Beauty is from Within

THURSDAY JULY 10014

Beauty is from within

I don't know where to start. It's difficult to type, but I need to record what happened this past week. I was so happy when Eric came for my surgery; he makes everything better, we have never been apart for this long and it has been hard on both of us. Seven weeks of waiting is a difficult road to ride. I read my new Live Happy Magazine over and over, Knowing I Can Make a Difference--figuring out how the hard part was.

On July 3, at the Cleveland Clinic around 5:30 am, Eric and Diana were with me. As I paced the floor, not wanting anyone to talk to me or touch me, I realized I was having a panic attack and prayed to Heavenly Father to take this pain and anxiety away. He did, and I was soon off to the O.R. to get dressed in the hospital gown--It doesn't matter what hospital you're in; the robes are all the same.
Before Eric came back to see me off to surgery, I said several quick prayers asking Heavenly Father to watch over the surgeon's hands and asked if it were His will that he would allow me to heal from this odd, unexpected trial I was facing. I wanted to put my head under the pillow and hold it down so I could scream, cry and forge through this quickly.

Frenchy sending me off to surgery.

Ready for Surgery with Diana Lents

Eric kissed me on the forehead as they wheeled me into the OR; it was challenging to maintain my composure, tears flowed from my eyes and onto my pillow. Down the hallways of Cleveland Clinic, I saw a wall with 30-50 white coats hanging on hooks; I started to cry again. Those coats belong to doctors who will come to the hospital, take their white coats off the hook, and go to work. The tears continued to flow as nurses came up to me, asking what they could do for me--I shook my head back and forth and watched them walk away, not knowing what to do. I wanted them to put me out and get going on this surgery. I always look forward to going to my Happy Place in Paris Port Jaune; Eric and I pick wildflowers, ride bikes, and have a picnic, leaving the rest of the world and worries behind. I'm ready to move on with the surgery and hopefully put this chapter to rest,

This picture still brings me to tears; Eric is the
the most positive person I know--thank you Frenchie

I woke up in recovery in a lot of pain; I was trying to process where the pain was coming from, as the Nurse said, "Mrs. Williams, time to wake up. Do you know where you are?" "How many fingers am I holding up?" It was then that I realized the surgery was over; my immediate response was to touch my head to see what damage had been done. It was an 11-hour surgery, lots of anesthesia, blood, and what's this? A neck brace--I'm confused--Eric and Diana came into recovery; Eric told me I was beautiful. I thought his saying I was beautiful was so sweet, and I knew it wasn't true; how could I be beautiful with blood all over me, a swollen head, and staples making their way down my skull like a train track?

Just out of surgery

So happy to be with this guy

a kiss from Frenchy

Going back to my room, I kept going in and out of consciousness; not only does Cleveland have bumpy roads, but the driver taking me back to the room was also bumping into walls and doors. He also asked me what I would like him to sing for me, really? He wanted to sing; I said OK, Luther would be good, so he started singing Luther Vandross 'Here and Now' I told him it was beautiful, but not to quit his day job. He put his pointer finger to his mouth as if to shhh me. We arrived at my room; I had a few minutes before Eric and Diana came so I cried a little. I was overwhelmed with immediate love and peace when Eric walked into my room. With Eric, I don't have to say a word and he knows what I think. I sure don't want to disappoint him; he has been my rock and my friend Mysti has been with me through all this nonsense,

 On day two at the hospital, it was a Holiday..the 4th of July. The doctors on my team sent their residents to visit me. One resident told me he was there in place of my pain doctor, and he would put in orders for my pain medicine. Within a half hour, my pain slowly rose to a 6; I beeped for the Nurse and asked her for pain medicine. She said she would get it right away; within a few more minutes, my pain rose to level seven. I beeped for the Nurse again, asking for pain medicine. She then told me the resident did not put any orders in for pain medicine...WHAT? By now, I was at level eight going on nine ...the pain was so bad I started to cry, then I asked the Nurse to please call my husband; just wanted him there. From this point on, I tried to process happy thoughts and happy moments; sometimes worked sometimes it just didn't. I stared at the clock, not only waiting for the meds but also wanting Eric to be with me; he always makes things better. I was out of breath and crying so hard, trying to catch my breath I was sobbing in pain. The sweet Nurses rubbed my arms and legs trying to help, but she too was crying so we were not getting too far. I tried to sing "Be still my soul" through the gulps of air, then I sang "Come thou font."  Trying to tune my heart to Him. I sang, "I feel my Savior's Love"

  My room was right in front of the nurse's desk so they could watch me and monitor my pain levels. I was staring at the clock and whimpering loudly, out of control. I was on my own, I felt deserted, left alone, scared, and crying the hardest I ever had in my life. I was yelling in between cries, "Why have you ignored my pleas and prayers?" This was going to be my last day on earth, and I would not be able to say goodbye to Eric. Before every surgery, I write a letter to Eric and each one of my children. I paged the Nurse and asked her if she had contacted Eric, she said no, I asked her to please give him the letters in my backpack in case I didn't make it.

The other patients in the area where I was were complaining, telling the nurses to get my doctor or move them so they wouldn't have to hear me--I tried so hard to stop crying, the nurses were coming in saying how sorry they were, but they couldn't do anything until they heard from the doctor. I could hear nurses at the station outside of my room, they were laughing and joking with each other. The cackling of laughter I heard I will never forget. My desperate cry for help was falling on deaf ears. After an hour and sixteen minutes, the resident came into my room. He walked up to me and said "Why are you crying? It can't hurt that bad." I was covering my mouth because I knew I must have looked horrible. Then he said something that made me want to kick him "Why are you covering your mouth?" Looking back on this I say, "Are you kidding me?" I also recognize he was showing off as the senior resident to the junior residents. I didn't respond except with a cry and a loud scream "Please help me" Finally the pain medicine was surging through my veins with purpose and strength. As he walked out of the room, I heard the Nurse ask "Where have you been for an hour and 15 minutes? We have been paging you?" Arrogantly as possible he turned looked at the Nurse and said, "I don't have to answer to you."  When I could finally speak without trembling, I didn't want to, I just wanted Eric. I had been wailing and gnashing from side to side for an hour and 15 minutes, it took every bit of energy I had. My heart was racing but my blood pressure was low. When Eric arrived all was calm, he had no idea except he asked me "Sweetheart have you been crying?"  Uh--just a bit and I could see the hurt in his eyes as I told him, Eric said no one ever called him, which now in retrospect I realize was best. He never gets mad, but I'm sure this was not going to be acceptable behavior, I know he would have gone crazy seeing me in that much pain.

Today I had my post-op appointments with the surgeons, and they told me my ear looks great and everything is healing perfectly. Still, I am in a lot of pain, and I just want to go home.

I was told I can go home, and that I will need to see Doctor Barrs for the next few weeks, then in two months we will see how the nerve in my face has regenerated. The doctors told me this type of major surgery with nerves takes at least six to eight months to see results, so patience is going to be my middle name. Tonight, I am exhausted from the appointments, I am grateful for Dr. Haberkamp. I hope I never see Dr. Cocky Face again. I am looking forward to seeing my family. The happiness I feel in my heart far outweighs the horrible experience I had at the hospital. I'm going to live happily with the results of my surgery no matter what.

Happiness comes from within and is found in the present moment by making peace with the past and looking forward to the future. Eric was right when he said "You are beautiful"

I think I look terrible here, but my sister
said, "well you have no wrinkles, Nerium
is working"  

I was able to send those beautiful nurses who took such great care of me a note telling them how grateful I was for their compassion during a horrible time.

 

I feel my Saviors Love

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2014

I feel my Savior's Love

 Rainbows always show up when I need a sign from Heavenly Father
that he here's me. They are magnificent to me.

Well, I'm here again the night before a significant surgery, hoping and praying I've been away from my family will prove worth it this time. Making decisions without Eric or the kids helping me has been challenging. Every hour, I need to say a silent prayer to the Lord to bless me with a light that can feed my brain with knowledge. Then I ask them to help me be still enough to hear what He is trying to teach me. 

 I know change, and fears of change, have been on my mind. I've been walking around with a patch on my right eye; I hope the drops I've put in it night and day, along with the patch 22/7, were enough to not have a cornea transplant. My time alone has given me time to reach down and ask some gut-wrenching questions. One is, can I live a quality life with my face the way it is right now? Am I confident enough to live the rest of my life having people stare, to hear children say to their parents, "what is wrong with that lady's face or eye?" I've had a few even ask me themselves; I just tell them I have a boo-boo. 

These past 5 weeks in Cleveland, I've gotten inner strength I never thought I had. I wish I could understand His plan for me. I've read my scriptures and Preach My Gospel chapter 6, every day trying to be led to a place I need to be, asking and begging Him to teach me what I need to do so that I can return and live with Him one day. I don't know how I'm doing in that area; this is so hard. I need to hold on to everything I know to be accurate and not let go. Those things I know are precious to me and can never be taken from me. I've had many spiritual experiences since my 1st surgery at Mayo. The Lord loves me enough to give me a glimpse into my future; it is beautiful; every time I wake up, I want to go back, but I'm always told, "It's not your time; you must return and finish your journey." 

I received a text from a friend today (I don't want to reveal her name. She knows who she is). She had been thinking of me but didn't quite know the right words to say. She then said I hope you can get the answers you're looking for if it is the Lord's will. When I read that part, I could not get it off my mind... What is the Lord's will for me? Even I don't know the answer to that. She mentioned the fact she has been the caregiver of 2 sons who have been struggling with health issues; she said something else that has stuck in my head...she said she would gladly take their pain on herself so these boys would not have to feel it. This reminded me of the feelings our Heavenly Father must have when He sees his children struggling, He easily could take our pain away, but for some reason, He never does; why is that? I believe He wants us to learn to rely on Him entirely, give Him all we have, then sit back and have FAITH, have enough HOPE in Him to make miracles happen, or be strong enough to accept what is being presented to us, and find a way to live a happy life in whatever circumstances we are faced with.

I also received a text from my sweet Haleigh Bear:
H: "mom, when are you coming home.?
M: "Good question; it all depends on how well the surgery goes. I'm praying it all goes excellent so I can go home this weekend. I'm really scared.
H: We miss you so much, I pray for you every morning and night and I have faith that the surgery will go well. Don't be scared. The Heavenly Father is always looking over you, and dad will be there.
M; yes, I'm looking forward to seeing him; this is the longest we have ever been away from each other. He's the only one who knows how to calm me when I get those anxiety attacks while I'm waiting for surgery; I just don't want to ever feel that extreme pain from the nerve again."

Have I kept my promises to Him? When I was about fourteen, I promised the Lord if He would get me out of the situation I was in, I would promise to live a life of pure intent, I would share His Gospel with others, I would study and share with others how to live a happy life, no matter what. These past 5 years are different from what I had in mind. When I look in the mirror, I don't see what He sees. I know He sees the heart inside me, and He knows how much strength I have; he has shown me I can handle any trial I face. He's always been there beside me; I know when I kneel to pray to Him, He always answers back, it's not always the answer I want, or the timing is not always when I want it to be. I believe in Miracles, and He is the only one who can make those happen.

Going into this surgery, I feel all alone; even though Eric is here, I feel like I am negotiating with the Lord for my life. My anxiety for this surgery differs from what I have fished with other surgeries. I'm far away from home, and I just must keep remembering no matter where I am, He is always there, just one prayer away. I feel like this road is getting longer and longer, harder and harder to maintain calm. My heart is beating in my chest; I don't know if I can ask Him to take that away. I realize my life is forever changed, and I will never be the same again; I hope I can be a better version of myself; even with my face disfigured, I know who I am, and I know the kind of person I want to be. As a person who has witnessed what Heaven feels like, I cannot deny what I know to be true. I know the Lord has a plan for me; I just need to figure out what that is.

Tonight, as I lie down to sleep: I feel my Savior's love; his gentleness enfolds me, and when I kneel to pray, my heart is filled with peace; he knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him, I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.