Rangiora Day 11

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2013

Rangiora Day 11

Sunday, Day 11
We were disappointed to arrive on this Island too late to attend the branch meetings, we arrived at noon and Sacrament started at 8:30. Today really was a short day. We arrived on the tender to the Island around 1:30. There is not a lot to do on this Island, although its beauty is not matched by many others I have seen. All shops, restaurants and facilities on the Island are closed for the Sabbath day.

I NEED--listen to me not a want it was a NEED to connect with my children today I miss them so much.  There is absolutely no internet service anywhere-- We found a local man who we communicated in French, he told Eric and I he was going spear fishing for his families dinner if we would like to come drift snorkeling so we hoped on his boat, he took us around the entire Island and we snorkeled as he speared tuna or some big blue fish for dinner--he was un-successful--I wonder what his wife says when he gets home ha ha....anyway it was interesting and we saw many schools of hundreds of beautiful fish, we even saw a tiger shark---and a lemon shark--however, they were farther down than I could swim so I got back on the boat as Eric explored some more.  Though the open waters of the ocean have always been a fear of mine, I found some peaceful moments as I watched the fish gracefully slide through the water.
This was a fun day--we made it back to the ship, had dinner, went to our room, and watched a movie until we fell asleep--very soon after.

A HOME NEXT TO THE PORT

We loved these children; they loved taking pictures

more pictures

These little girls out fished the boys,
 and they made me smile

I wanted to take them all home with me

 

This little girl waived at me until we were out of sight

 

Curve Balls

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2013

Curve Balls

Man, life throws many curve balls, I was not expecting one that came flying at me last week.  I was Fired from my volunteer work.  Not the accomplishment I had expected, and it was devastating for me. I loved that job; I loved the people I worked with, and I especially loved all the patients who touched my life. I violated HIPAA law and took pictures of patients. First off, I just want to say they all had my permission to take their picture, and 2nd I would never post something about a patient without their consent. However, I recently had my blog redesigned, and all the journal entries I had written and drafted, were posted public without me knowing.

  They were written a year or year and a half ago, when I was asked not to mention the facility that I was volunteering for or the patients, I immediately drafted all of them for my children to have, and for myself to look back and remember. For those of you who do not know about drafting, it is a journal you write and never post for all to see but is kept secret and I eventually wanted my blog to be made into a book for my children, so I did as I was asked, and I took all the posts off my blog immediately.  To be honest, I have a ton of drafts, things I don't want the world to see but have saved for my family to read long after I'm dead and gone.

When I went to my "volunteer" job 2 weeks ago, I was called into a meeting where I was "let go" I was told if an employee had done this, they would be "let go," so they felt it was time for me to be "let go" I asked them if I could delete the entries. The answer was "you have 3 days to get them off your blog, or we will be forced to file a federal suit"  so sad, I took off my scrubs and handed in my badge out the door I went feeling like I had just been defeated by the world, I cried uncontrollably for hours, well actually the crying went on for days, I finally got it controlled to a slow tearful drip after a few days.  When I got home, I asked our attorney if this could happen to me; he said NO, that the facility I was volunteering for could not sue me for violating HIPAA laws the patient would have to be the one to sue me, --and since every one of those patients or their caregivers still email me regularly, (except for one), I contacted each person who I had ever posted about, got written permission from them or in a couple cases the patients had passed on, and I got permission from their caregivers, who by the way also asked me for a copy of what I had written, by this time I had already deleted them.  However, I told them once I had their written permission, I would send them a copy of what I had handwritten.  Each was so grateful, I had journaled, and each had already known about the experiences and the intimate talks I had with them, so it was not a surprise to any of them when I read the journaling to them.

 I'm not sure what this world is coming to, I do understand the HIPAA laws, and I do understand the right to have privacy, but I would never post something without first asking the patient. There was only one post that I had written that I felt was imposing without permission; names were never mentioned, and if this person had found it on the world wide web (1 in a billion) They could have guessed it was them I was talking about, but there were no pictures or proof.

I learned a lot from this experience, and although I think "they" were being a bit dramatic in their decision, I know the Lord has something else planned for me.  It's important for me to be in a place where I am not only needed but appreciated for the service I love to give.

Negotiations with the Lord

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2012

Negotiations With the Lord

When I was fourteen years old, I prayed to Heavenly Father, asking him to please get me out of the toxic environment I was living in, and I would promise to follow him and serve.

I also pleaded with the Lord when I was diagnosed with cancer to let me live long enough to see my son come home from his mission. HE DID.

Once Blake got home, I asked again to let me live long enough to see Haleigh find the love of her life and get married in the Temple. She's engaged to be married in March.

When Eric's mother was alive and first diagnosed with breast cancer, she asked her husband Ray to give her a blessing. She told him that all she wanted was to live long enough to see her three boys go on missions. She went into remission for approximately 14 years. When Kurt, her youngest boy, came home from his mission, her cancer returned, and within a few months, she passed away.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and 3 years since my first negotiations started. I have a feeling negotiations are going to end. I promised my family I would make some decisions about moving forward with health issues after the Holidays, and the "Holidays" are coming and going too soon. I'm not ready. However, I did put it on my calendar to make an appointment with my pain doctor at Mayo Clinic --which means it's on my calendar to call them, and I will.

I'm making some progress as we wind down this year and start 2013. I have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Friday, January 04, with my new endocrinologist Dr. Roust. I saw Dr. Magitbay (my gyno oncologist) a couple of weeks ago, and he said things look good. I know it's baby steps towards some answers, but I'm making them. I also have some tests on the calendar, and my family will be happy.

This time of year brings on a lot of emotions for me and has for years. It used to be because I was not with my mom and sharing the holidays with her, knowing she would be alone, and she chose not to soften her heart. Now, I appreciate the Holidays, and I love the spirit it brings into my heart. 3 years ago, my friends and family put up all my Christmas decorations while I threw up and felt the pain of chemo raging through my body. I don't think I had given enough attention or appreciation for what Eric and the rest of my family were going through then.

 I often talk to the caregivers where I volunteer. One common thread that I have noticed is that they feel helpless, constantly feeling angry but not exactly knowing who to be mad with or why they are angry. Recently I received an email from one of our patient's caregivers. She wanted to see if it was "normal" to feel her anger after losing her friend. She wanted to know what she could have done to better serve her friend. When you are struck with a cancer diagnosis, there is no NORMAL to life. I have learned from volunteering that people going through this journey often differ entirely from their caregivers. I'm so grateful I can volunteer. Many people have said to me, "why would you want to be around that environment, after all you've been through?" to those people, I always smile and say, "why wouldn't I?" I'm learning more about myself and my sweet husband (the caregiver) from volunteering than I would have ever learned. I am so thankful for Eric, he was the best caregiver I could have ever had during my treatments, and he continues to be strong and the best cheerleader for me as I visit Mayo Clinic.

So as I ask the question, "are we allowed to negotiate with the Lord?" my conclusion is and always has been that we are not in control of our lives, we can make promises, and I believe the Lord will keep his promises to us. Still, life happens, and all around us are people who need our attention and need our love, we may not understand why some trials come into our lives, I sure don't, but I do believe, at least for me, I have learned so much about myself these past few years, I don't want to go back there. However, the experience has softened my heart and helped me be more compassionate, and if you know me well, you know this is a great accomplishment for me.  

2013--bring it on--even with that number 13, I detest--

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Note to Self

TUESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2010

Note to Self

Yesterday I volunteered at Deseret Industries. If you don't know what that is, it is owned by the LDS church and is like Goodwill. I put clothes on hangers and inspected for stains and rips in the fabric. NOTE TO SELF AND ANYONE ELSE READING THIS: Do NOT donate used underwear, not from children, teens, or adults. NO ONE wants them, and they go in the trash. Well, at least when I'm volunteering, they do.
On a serious note, I was so happy to finally feel well enough to do something for someone else. I have to admit standing on my feet all day was really hard, and I found myself almost getting sick a couple of times. The neuropathy kicked in on my legs and hips but other than that, it was an enjoyable and pleasing experience. Giving back is a good feeling. I'm glad I did it.
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