Holding Our Family in Prayer

 

Dear Frenchie,

Today has been an incredibly difficult day.

Blake called and asked whether Chloe had contacted me about a flight credit. I was confused and asked him what he was talking about. While I was still on the phone with him, Chloe called, so I switched over to speak with her.

She asked whether Blake had called or texted me about the credit. I told her he hadn’t explained anything to me, but the credit had come from the cruise. I had purchased tickets for all of us to fly to Los Angeles, and when Chloe canceled, the value of her ticket became a trip credit. Apparently, Blake wanted to use it to fly to California, while Chloe wanted to use it for something else.

I was already confused, but then Chloe told me that she and Blake were separated—and had been for quite some time. She said they were planning to get a divorce.

Eric, I was completely shocked.

I had no idea.

When I went back to my conversation with Blake, he confirmed that it was all true. He has been staying at Kaitlyn and Brian’s house. I’m grateful they have opened their home to him, but I am so worried.

Apparently, the girls have been telling him for months that he needed to tell me.

Months?

What the hell?

My heart is breaking for both of them—and really, for the entire family.

I talked with Blake for a while and told him that, if I could offer him any advice, it would be to protect the children from as much of the conflict as possible. I didn’t mean that he should hide everything from them. I meant that he and Chloe should try not to speak badly about each other in front of the children or put them in the middle of what is happening.

They are so young, and children should never feel as though they have to choose between the two people they love most.

Blake told me that Weslie had asked him, “Dad, is our family ever going to live together in the same house again?”

He was broken.

I could hear it in his voice as it cracked while he repeated her words to me. I asked him what he had said to her. He told me that he and Chloe had planned to sit down together and talk with her, but Chloe had already spoken to her about it. He was hurt that they hadn’t been able to have that conversation as a family.

I told Blake I would help him in any way he needed. I also told him I was grateful he had finally trusted me enough to tell me what was happening.

He said he hadn’t wanted to tell me because he didn’t want me to worry.

I told him never to keep something this important from me again. Of course I will worry—I’m his mother—but I can handle whatever he needs to share with me. He doesn’t have to protect me by carrying something this painful alone.

Eric, I miss you so much.

The night Blake told me, I lay in bed staring at the pillow with your face on it and cried. I wanted more than anything to hear your voice and talk through all of this with you. You would know how to calm me down. You would remind me not to react too quickly and to love everyone through it.

I’m not sure how to help Blake, and I don’t know what the right answers are. For now, I am praying and planning to go to the temple, hoping Heavenly Father will give me clarity and help me know how to support our family without making anything harder.

I wish you were here.

I love you.

Cruising with Blake, Weslie and Zeek

 Dear Frenchie

A few months ago, I asked all the kids (except Haleigh, as she is still not talking to me) if they wanted to go on a cruise together. The only one who replied was Blake, so I began scheduling the cruise with his family.

We got home today, and I want to tell you about it before I forget those special moments we had. Tomorrow I am having surgery with Dr. Lettieri and will be out of it for a few days.

So, when I arrived at the airport Blake was standing with the kids and I asked where Chloe was, he said she could not come. I was so confused, he explained that the investors of the medspa whe works at was coming to town and her boss told her the night before we left. It didn't sound right, I think something else kept her from coming. I'm worried about them. When I was at Anthony's funeral someone mentioned hearing that Blake and Chloe were separated. Of course I said, "That's not true." Still I asked Blake if everything was okay and he said, "yes." I hope he is okay he has such a tender heart and it hurts me to think of him in pain.

We flew to Los Angeles and got a cab to the ship. It was so fun to see Weslie and Zeek explore the ship. Blake is such a good dad, he made sure they went Ice Skating, played soccer and did everything they could to have a great vacation.

We went to an aquarium for the day in Mazatlan, Zeek and Weslie had so much fun getting in and out of the ocean. As I watched them playing together I thought about how fast my children had grown.

The Wizard of Oz

 Dear Frenchie,

Besides our magical first trip to Paris together, Weslie and I just returned from the second most wonderful trip I’ve ever taken. You know how much I’ve always loved The Wizard of Oz—and Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I remember telling you I wanted that song sung at my funeral. You wrinkled your nose and dismissed the idea completely. Now that you’re gone, I suppose I get to make the decisions for my own funeral party.

This time, Weslie and I headed to Las Vegas for the weekend. We stayed at the MGM Grand, and the room was beautiful—comfortable, calm, and just right. On Saturday morning, we went to see The Wizard of Oz at the Sphere. I had no idea what I’d bought when I purchased the tickets, but imagine my surprise when we discovered we had VIP seats. We were escorted into a private lounge with unlimited food and drinks. You would have loved that part—and I would have loved seeing your face when you realized it was all included.

We were given a beautiful poster and $50 to spend at the merchandise shop. Of course, I handed the money straight to Weslie. She chose the softest Wizard of Oz sweatshirt, and I picked one too—There’s No Place Like Home. Something I know you would’ve happily bought for both of us.

Our seats were perfect—front and center, Section 206, with no one in front of us. I’ll admit, it was worth every dime. I know you wouldn’t have spent that kind of money… but if you’d seen what we saw, I think you might have changed your mind.

When the screen opened up, Weslie gasped. The screen wrapped completely around us, alive with movement and color. It was interactive, immersive, and breathtaking. There was never a moment when either of us looked away. Watching Weslie experience it for the first time reminded me of being a little girl, seeing the movie change from black and white to color on our bulky television with rabbit ears—too heavy for the stand it sat on. I remember wondering how color could possibly appear like that. It felt like magic.

When the tornado came. Frenchie, it felt like we were inside it. The wind blew through our hair, leaves flew all around us, and our seats actually moved.  And then Dorothy sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I cried—just a little. When the Wicked Witch threw fireballs at the scarcrow big bolts of fire shot towards us. When the monkeys appeared, they flew all around us. It was astonishing—truly the most wonderful show I’ve ever seen.

Weslie loved it so much that she asked me to play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" over and over again. She wants to memorize it.

These are the moments you and I were supposed to share with our grandchildren. I promise you—I will continue to prioritize them. I want them to have good memories of me while I’m still here. That’s what life is really about: sharing joy, creating memories, and loving each other well.

Some days are harder than others. Haleigh still won’t speak to me. It’s been a year and a half since I last saw Ellis and Sena. My heart breaks over it. Blake says it’s her pride, but I still don’t understand what I’ve done to cause the distance. All I can do is pray that her heart softens. I don’t want to leave this world knowing she carries regrets—because you and I both know she would.

I miss you every day. Sometimes at night, I sit outside and imagine you looking down at me with that familiar grin. It brings me comfort.

I love you, babe.
Always have. Always will.
Until we meet again—
Good night.

Easter 2025

 

Hello, My Lover,

It has been a whirlwind of activity — moving from a 5,000-square-foot home to a 2,100-square-foot one has kept me on my toes more than I ever expected.

Yesterday, I did something sweet. I invited the kids and grandchildren over to our Gilbert home for one last dinner and a Golden Egg hunt. As the grandkids searched for eggs, I could hear you in my head — cheering them on as each one found their egg with $20 inside. I could practically feel your wink when they succeeded. I miss your belly laugh… your smile… everything about the joy you brought to even the simplest moments.

Today is Easter, and I attended my new ward. The people there are so kind, and I felt a sense of peace in their presence. Do you remember when we were deciding to move from the house on Cove? We hunted for land, but what mattered most to me was the ward. I will never forget the spirit we felt when we visited the Sixth Ward together. Yesterday, as people introduced themselves and welcomed me, I felt that same spirit — a warm reminder that I am not alone. It’s a good ward, with a beautiful mix of children, youth, and many retired couples our age. This was my third week there, and I already feel welcomed and embraced.

I grew spiritually in that old ward, surrounded by so many dear people who helped build my testimony of Christ. Today, more than ever, I remember that Jesus Christ’s sacrifice assures me we will see each other again.

I arrived at church just a little late, and as I sat in the foyer, I gazed at the life-size picture of Christ. I pictured Him standing with you, and I had a quiet conversation with Him. I know He lives. I know I will see you again. I can’t fully understand why Heavenly Father allowed His Son to suffer, knowing the pain it would bring Him, but I know it was part of His plan — a plan of love and mercy that gives me hope.

The grandchildren are growing so fast. Haleigh and her family were unable to attend today, but she sent pictures of them — and oh, they are getting so big. Ellis is tall, and Sena was sweet as ever. She reminds me so much of Haleigh at her age. Haleigh has always been a kind, gentle soul. What a joy it was to raise her! I’ll never forget her senior year of high school — so many times, she would crawl into bed next to me just to be near me, no words needed. She was my fierce advocate during my cancer journey, even without knowing it.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Kayla lately. She and Jeremy are separated, and I fear their marriage may not survive. Kayla is an incredible mom and an amazing listener. I understand her more now, and through her, I’ve learned so much about Autism and the depth of patience it requires. Recker is fifteen now — big and strong like Jeremy —, and he often echoes what we say, letting me know he understands. When I say, I love you, he responds in his own beautiful way. Ezra is gentle and loving — just the other day, he ran back to me for a big hug that brought tears to my eyes. Teddy is thoughtful and kind, though he’s understandably confused about his parents’ separation.

You would be so proud of Blake. He has helped me tremendously this past year. You know he’s such a mama’s boy. He’s a hard worker, a great husband, and an incredible father. Chloe is thriving in her job at Denver’s office, and Weslie — sweet Wes — oh, she is a dancer like her mom, and she loves it. Yesterday, she kept hugging me and kept asking when she could have a “sleepover.” You know how much I adore that. She wondered about Papa — where you are, physically. I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want to say something her parents wouldn’t like, so I told her how much you still love her, and that one day, when it’s my time to leave this life, I’ll be with you again. She listened earnestly — I’m not sure if she fully understood, but she wanted to be comforted.

Kaitlyn and Brian are excellent. Kaitlyn works from home and really enjoys her job. I am so proud of her in so many ways. Brian works hard, and I’m grateful that they continues to lean on the Lord together. I asked Brian if he would come and dedicate our new home in The Reserve — and of course, he said he would. He is solid in the Gospel, and I am so glad he is Kaitlyn’s partner.

Phoenix is ten now — growing so fast. He loves soccer and football, and life with such joy and friendships. And Archie… you know how my heart melts with that boy. Kaitlyn may say he’s sneaky, but I’ve never seen it — to me, he is all sweetness. I love how much Archie and Phoenix adore little Florence. I feel a little sorry for the boys who want to date her someday — she is something truly special. Something spiritual and radiant. Recently, she looked up at me and said, “Do you know Jesus died for all of us?” Oh my heart. I answered, “Yes, He did — and He loves you. He loves all the people in the whole world.” She is much like Kaitlyn was at that age—full of wonder and expression. Every time she sees me, she runs with her little arms wide open and yells, “Bonbon!” — and I can’t help but laugh and melt right into her arms.

I’m so grateful we have these children of ours. Every one of them holds a piece of my heart. They are responsible, good people — and their spouses are wonderful too.

I used to tell you how sad it was that they never got to know your mom. Now I fear they may forget you. I try to remind them — especially the little ones — how much you love them.

I love you, and I always will.

Love,
Monya

To Move or Not to Move

 Dear Frenchie,

Today, I went to see the model home again. I don't know how Terry could stand looking into your office without crying. Justin has your office now; I couldn't bring myself to go in there.

Last week, when I was praying, I wondered if you could hear my prayers where you are. I need to start considering moving; the maintenance on this house is so much work. Blake showed me a cute home in Gilbert near the Groves. I asked Heavenly Father what Eric would do when I knelt to pray that night. What would Eric want me to do? I kissed you good night, hugged you, said I love you, and went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to a Text from Lori Blandford. She said Jeff offered me any specs he had at his price. Of course, my limited thinking said no right away; I told her all of the specs were too far from our children and grandchildren. Then Kayla and the boys came by to visit. She's been helping me so much to organize some of your things. We are good, Eric, Kayla, and I respect and love one another's perspectives. She is our sweet little firstborn, and she still is. We talked, and I told her Jeff's offer; she said, "Mom, move to The Reserve at Red Rock." Can you imagine me in the desert with rattlesnakes? She continued, "It's what dad has always wanted; you should consider it."

Last Saturday, I ran out to Red Rock and visited with Terry. He misses you a lot. He said he had to work three months in a row with no days off, and it about killed him. Jeff wanted to do all the paperwork when and if I liked any of the specs. I had to tell Terry, so he took me to the specs he thought I would like. Of course I love them, all model homes are perfect. But I was ok with the house Blake offered me. It was built in the 80s, but I could live there; you know how much I love that Groves area. And it is still close to the kids. But when I saw the price of the home, Terry showed me I was interested in the price difference. By far, Jeff gave me the best deal; even Terry was surprised. I told him I needed to talk to the kids and get their opinion on moving so far. I left them all a group text telling them I was going to Reserve at Red Rock, and they were welcome to come and help me make decisions.

Kaitlyn and Kayla met me first. Blake's family came a little later. They looked at the two specs I wanted to choose from, and they all gave the same opinion, but it wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't believe they all agreed to let me buy out there. I have been so torn, not knowing what to do. I need your help.

I went to the models again today, and Jori and Dwight picked me up. Terry's probably getting tired of me already. We first looked at the spec the kids liked, then went to the spec I was proposing, lot #150. I could hear the girls talking, and they thought spec #72 was their choice. I was so grateful for their opinions and surprised they were okay with me leaving our home. I'm not ok with leaving our home quite yet, but Blake assured me they all think it would be good for me and that the home he showed me is a house from the 80s, and Jeff is offering me a brand new home for less than a home built in the '80s.

Dwight and Jori loved the view from the model you sat in. Then I asked about a new build on the lot next to the models, and that view brought me to tears. I could see you sitting out there, taking in the beautiful view of the Red Rock. I could feel you with me. I asked Terry about the new build, and he said it wouldn't be ready until March or April. That was a relief to me. I'm not ready to leave our home, the home we built together all those years ago. The children were so young. Haleigh was only eighteen months old. I don't know how often I asked Terry, "What would Eric want me to do?" He said, "Eric would want that lot you picked; the view is spectacular, and I know he would want you to be happy."

I spoke with Ronny to see if he thought I could afford it. He told me, "Buying cash for that house is a no-brainer." I'm just waiting on a price from Jeff. I hope I'm not taking advantage of his offer to want the new home instead of a spec.

I love you so much. My heart hurts all the time. I doubt I will ever get to a place in the last chapter of my life where I don't cry a tear thinking of everything we have done together. It's just not supposed to be like this. I told you I'd never get re-married, and I won't—not because I think you wouldn't want me to, but because I could never find a man like you in my lifetime. We really had a beautiful love story; no one will ever be able to fill your shoes, babe.

I love you. See you soon.

Monya

San Carlos Continued

 Dear Frenchie;

I wish you were here; I miss you. I wake up at 5:30 a.m. every morning. Jori and I walk down the beach to the estuary to collect sea shells. I meditate on this little sand hill while Jori searches for 'football' shells. I'm sure that is not their real name, but they look just like a bit of football with the threads—they are so cute.

Weslie and Phoenix would love to be here picking out all of the versatile shells; they differ from those in Rocky Point. There are much more well-formed shells here, and of course, you know I had a bag full. I called to reserve the condo next door to Jori and Dwight for next year. I wish I could get the kids to commit, but you know how that is. It makes me feel bad. They have traditions with the Wright and Bigelow families. I just want to start some of our traditions. I can't trust getting them all condos down here, and then at the last minute, they cancel because something better came up. These condos have to be reserved a year ahead of time.

Today, I sat on the beach thinking about you and did something you would be proud of me for. I went into the water in Mexico and climbed up to my neck. I was scared to death, but I did it. Jori and I kayaked today, which is one thing I have never done before. It was enjoyable.

Dwight, Willie, and Marion were gone all day diving; I went into my bedroom when they talked about it because I knew if you were here, you'd be on that boat, too. It's so hard to see lives moving forward. I wanted that with you. We were supposed to build the cabin and get old together. We got old, but not old enough for me to let you go. I'm struggling with your absence ... can we just have a do-over? LOL. I shouldn't be selfish, wanting you to still be here with me, but I can't help it. You always loved these trips.

Tonight, there was a gorgeous sunset. I took pictures and thought about you. I met a woman who does massages and had one yesterday. She knew nothing about me but knew I was holding a lot of grief, pain, and trauma on my shoulders. She could read my energy and detected many things in my life.

Willie made lobster, salmon, and steaks for dinner, which I know is your kind of meal. It was delicious. I mixed my lobster with garlic mashed potatoes and his buttery sauce. It was good, but too much butter for me.   

I think I might actually gain some weight while I'm here. The last time I saw Doctor Castrol, he did not like how thin I had gotten. I was at 109 pounds, and he said I needed to be at 126 to be considered healthy. It is hard for me to remember to eat or want to eat without you. 

I could feel you tonight at Sunset, so I sat out on a chair and talked to you while I was eaten alive by mosquitos. I sure love you and wish time would go faster. I want to be with you.   

See You Soon

Monya                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                         

Disney On Ice

     Chloe and Blake gave me tickets for Christmas to take Weslie to Disney on Ice for my birthday. Weslie and I talked the entire way to the stadium and were very excited about the show. We arrived early and were able to get a really great parking spot. We found where we were supposed to sit, then went out to the vendors for yummy food, drinks, and, of course, to buy a souvenir for Weslie. She is so sweet and asked if we could get something for Zeek. I already had that idea in mind, but when Weslie said, "I would rather get something for Zeek if you don't have enough money." My heart ... oh my heart!! I love this little girl. She is so polite and kind, and she is only seven years old, far older in maturity than seven years old. I also noticed she saved half of everything we ordered for treats and saved them for Zeek. He had popcorn, half a churro, half of her cotton candy, and a souvenir.

    I loved watching Weslie as the Characters came onto the ice; she was so wide-eyed and excited that it warmed my heart. She sang along to the music and announced the characters' names as they entered the ice. Weslie is so sweet. I loved every second with her.

                                            

I Love This Time of Year

 Last year, I wanted to know if Frenchie would make it through one more night. He did, and he has worked so hard this year on getting healthy that he's lost over 100 pounds. He loves to walk, and we both eat clean. I, too, have lost some weight. 

Today, I invited the grandchildren over who could come, which ended up being Weslie and Zeek. We decorated gingerbread houses, played outside, and then played some games inside. I don't know how I got so blessed, but these little ones always teach me something. Today, Weslie and her dad worked on her gingerbread house, and little Zeek decided that it was no fun, so he headed to the toy room for some trucks and balls.

I missed having my other grandchildren here who couldn't make it. Haleigh and Scott, with little Senabun and Ellis, couldn't be here, but I really missed them. Ellis is just so cute, and little Sena reminds me of Haleigh when she was three years old. Damn, that feels like yesterday. I can't believe how fast time goes by. Haleigh is thirty years old, almost thirty-one. Will I be around when Sena is thirty-one?

Christmas is always better with children around. Eric is in Mexico. He's been there for a week, and I miss him. The Lukeville border is closed due to too many migrants entering the country. The border patrol, which is normally at Lukeville, will be dispersed to other areas. So, no going in and no coming out.

He is on his way home and called me from the San Luis border this morning. I'm looking forward to snuggling on the sofa and watching a Christmas movie. The weather is beautiful in Arizona right now, and I will enjoy it while we have it.

The holidays are my favorite time of year. The family gathers together to talk about what we are more grateful for. We enjoy the music, movies, treats, and each other during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I always miss my children who can't be here with us, but I understand it's a busy time, and they have other family to be with.

Cute little Weslie 7 years old

Weslie

Blake and Weslie

Myself, Zeek three years old and Blake