Catacombs, Castles, and Crepes

I told Frenchie, "Come to think of it, I have not seen one Cemetary I have been here." I kept making jokes while we were there to get through it... I started singing ♬ them bones ♬, them bones, them dry bones. I told Frenchie that some of them resembled some of my relatives. Haha, it was really freaky down there. The 2nd picture is of our room at the Hotel. That is considered a BIG room, the bed where I sit and blog every night.

Dinner for two is very romantic; when is it not romantic with Frenchie?


Warm crusty bread with butter


Appetizers: For Frenchie snails..... disgusting....but he loved it
for Me: French Onion soup .... yummy



Main Dish: For Frenchie Veal with french fries
For me: roasted chicken with herbs and french fries...I didn't eat them; Frenchie did



Desserts: Frenchie had a crepe with Nutella, whip cream, and vanilla ice cream
I had Creme Brulee' .... so french and so my favorite dessert ever

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ANXIETY

THURSDAY, JULY 15, 2010

ANXIETY

WOW, it is 2:00 am, and I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I'm thinking about Blake, Haleigh in Utah, my next surgery, and seeing Doctor Kreymerman this next week. My house is quiet, but my ears are ringing so loud; I'm not sure what that's all about. I feel so tired but cannot sleep. I am exhausted.
Today I went out to the Mayo Scottsdale Campus to pick up my MLOA papers from Doctor Northfelt. I called him and asked if it was ok for me to return to work, he wrote me a letter to give to US AIRWAYS, if all goes as I want it to I will be returning to work on July 26, he is allowing me to return part-time until my subsequent surgery. Since June of last year, I have not been working, so back to training I will go. I have some anxiety about returning, but it may help me get past some of the thoughts and feelings I am dealing with right now. Anxiety is a word I never really had in my vocabulary a year ago. 

I now feel like it is a common question asked by each doctor I see "how are you dealing with your anxiety?" or "I hope you understand that all cancer patients end up with anxiety" " do we need to write you a prescription for your anxiety?" 

I think of all the symptoms I've been left with; I despise the anxiety the most; it comes on so suddenly. I try to not think about the VILLAIN, but it is next to impossible. I seriously put it to the test every day, saying, "ok, for one minute, right now, I am not going to think about it," looking at the clock, waiting, waiting, doing good 30 seconds pass... BOOM, there it is. I've tried relaxation CDs, praying, reading, and exercising nothing seems to help. I know it is normal, but I don't want to be a typical cancer patient. 

On my way to Mayo Clinic today, I could hardly breathe, and I had to pull over and say a prayer. Then just walking into the building made me sick to my stomach. I can smell the sickness in the air, especially when I get off the elevator on level three, where chemotherapy is distributed. I love and care for all the doctors and surgeons on my team. I have been treated with utmost respect and empathy by the nurses also.

Well, for now, I will not even try to understand it all. I'm off to bed, and I still need to read from Preach My Gospel tonight.

LABELS: ANXIETY, CANCER, JOURNALING 

I didn't choose the VILLAIN it chose me

THURSDAY, JUNE 3, 2010

I didn't choose the VILLAIN. It chose me

Dr. Michele Halyard and Dr. Schuster

Today I had an appointment with my radiation/oncologist Dr. Michele Halyard. It was a follow-up from radiation, the purpose of the appointment was to check and make sure my skin was healing correctly and talk about my side effects. She said I am recovering very well and that the side effects I am experiencing are expected... mostly fatigue, insomnia, and a lot of anxiety. I still have this lingering headache. It's been 6 days now. She said it was not related to the radiation, so I needed to contact Dr. Northfelt. I am not a fan of anxiety. I am amazed at the amount of pain, stress, and fear my body has gone through this past year. The human body is an amazing thing. Well, actually, I think the human mind is impressive. Keeping a positive attitude can help you to heal; I am a firm believer in that. I have tried so hard to remain calm and relaxed through this journey, but there have been times (more than I like to admit) that I have broken down and lost it. The anxiety that I am feeling now is related to some upcoming surgery and treatments. The thoughts of recurrence continue to be on my mind, it's unfortunate, but during the past 10 months, there has not been one minute of any day that I have not had some thought related to the VILLAIN.

This morning I was home alone and broke down crying as I looked at myself in the mirror. Where am I? why am I allowing this awful VILLAIN to take over my life and define me right now? I've been really fighting it, but I think I am feeling insecure about myself because of the recent public embarrassments. Today Eric and I were at SUBWAY eating lunch, and I told him about what happened when Haleigh and I were bike riding. He became emotional with big tears in his eyes. It's hard for me to see him cry; I don't want anyone to cry for me, especially not Eric or my kids. I asked him why he was crying. He said, "I feel so bad for you; I don't ever want someone to mistreat you; I just love you so much," and I love him so much it hurts to see him hurting.
I was trying to run my fingers through my hair this morning to find a different look with what little hair I have. I am now sporting about 1/2 inch of hair, and there is not much I can do with it yet. My breasts still hurt, and they are not the prettiest things you have ever seen, but this is the new life I didn't choose; I wouldn't have chosen it, but for some reason, it chose me, and I have a responsibility to learn from it and make my life better than it was before. Some days are more complicated than others. Tonight I am grateful for the people in my life who love me no matter what. I LOVE YOU.