Botox...Seriously?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 2014

Botox...Seriously?

Yesterday I was at work sitting at my desk, and a girl walked up to me and whispered, "where did you get your Botox done on your forehead" I whispered back with a shhh and finger over my crooked mouth. "Are you kidding me? She said I don't have Botox, "then why doesn't your eyebrow move?" "Umm, because I have a partial facial paralysis." she then said, "Oh, you were gone for a while and I just assumed when I saw you that you must have had some Botox, or plastic surgery done." Again, I'm laughing inside. Still, I replied as I took off my reading glasses "look at me, I mean really look at me, does it look like I had plastic surgery? If this is the result of plastic surgery, I got ripped off." 

Wednesday, I had an appointment with Dr. Barrs at Mayo Clinic. I was a little anxious to see him and to see what his reaction to me would be. I love him and was worried he would be upset with me for going to Cleveland Clinic. I couldn't of been more wrong; he came in with his big smile, arms out, reached for a hug, and said, "As I live and breath, who is this beautiful patient?" Pleased as I could be, I jumped up and hugged him back. I told him I felt like I was HOME at Mayo Clinic, not that there was really anything I didn't like about Cleveland Clinic, but there is a reason Mayo comes in #1 every year with ratings from patients and medical statistics. I told him Dr. Haberkamp was great to work with and that my leaving had nothing to do with him; it was the procedure the other Doctor proposed at Mayo. I was just jabbering. He shook his head and said, "I was never upset or took it personally." even if that was not really how he felt, he was classy enough to make me believe him. He sat on the chair before me and wanted to hear the Cleveland Clinic experience. I also told him Dr. Haberkamp said he wanted us to tell Dr. Barrs his work on my ear was impeccable.
He examined my ear and said everything looked good, but we will need MRIs a couple of times a year on the head. Kathleen came in to visit with me; she is beautiful inside and out, and was so concerned about me, she embraced me as she left the examining room and said "I love you"

  My eye is still the biggest concern now, he agrees but I'm doing all I've been asked to do. Cleveland Clinic is calling to schedule the next surgery, I told Erin (gastman's PA) I can't think about that right now. That chapter needs to end, ironically enough I think it's just the beginning of the end. This is so hard.

Today, Friday I had the privilege of seeing my oncologist Dr. Donald Northfelt. I think for most cancer patients this is a bitter/sweet appointment to have. I started to fret and worry last night, my mind has been so pre-occupied lately with all that has happened, I have not let my  brain think of today. No panic attacks getting off the 3rd floor elevator today, that's progress. Maryann came in to see me, greeted me with a huge hug, we both had tears. She is incredibly insightful, when I was in Cleveland she said a prayer with me over the phone. We visited awhile, it felt warm and loving to be with "my" people again--I know both Mayo Clinic campus's like the back of my hand, but today being back was a feeling of reunion, rather than burden. Anxiously waiting to see Dr. Northfelt, I am so grateful I listened to the spirit when I was led to him for my oncologist, I love him. He went over my blood work and said it looks good right now. For me, for right now, as in today, this is who I needed to see. Dr. Northfelt promised to be with me the entire journey and so far, he has, he gets it. Once he was done with his report and examination, he sat down looked at me, no words needed to be said, I could tell by looking in his eye's he could feel my burden was heavy. We talked a bit about the past few months, but didn't hover...we moved on to happier thoughts. I told him about working with Nerium and how positive the atmosphere is for me. I also explained to him about the Live Happy Movement trying to get more happiness in the world by spreading my own happy thoughts with others hoping they will also spread the word to BE HAPPY no matter what the circumstance. We had a great visit, I will never be able to articulate the feelings I have of HOPE just because he is who he is, not only a wonderful doctor but knowing he deals with people like me everyday, I always feel like I am his only patient, and that he loves me.

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

BAKING SUPPLIES

• The Bakers Kitchen
• Marque Foods
• Pastry Chef

• Shannon and Doran

  Seeing growth

  1 year ago
• Haleigh and Scott Bigelow

  Memorial weekend

  8 years ago
• Courtney and Justen

  You can call him Doctor.

  9 years ago
• Kaitlyn and Brian

  This one time...

  9 years ago
• Marilyn and Steve

  Junk

  10 years ago

Show All

• Menden Family

  3 months ago
• Lorie Tucker

  1 year ago
• Teri Larsen

  5 years ago
• Tamy Scheurn

  5 years ago
• PATTY COX

  8 years ago
• Kiersten Whetton Hart

  9 years ago
• Annie/ Doug Lewis

  9 years ago
• Nan Barker

  9 years ago
• Dena Weech

  9 years ago
• Sammy

  10 years ago

Show All

Custom blog design by Michelle @ Shabby Creations.

Beauty is from Within

THURSDAY JULY 10014

Beauty is from within

I don't know where to start. It's difficult to type, but I need to record what happened this past week. I was so happy when Eric came for my surgery; he makes everything better, we have never been apart for this long and it has been hard on both of us. Seven weeks of waiting is a difficult road to ride. I read my new Live Happy Magazine over and over, Knowing I Can Make a Difference--figuring out how the hard part was.

On July 3, at the Cleveland Clinic around 5:30 am, Eric and Diana were with me. As I paced the floor, not wanting anyone to talk to me or touch me, I realized I was having a panic attack and prayed to Heavenly Father to take this pain and anxiety away. He did, and I was soon off to the O.R. to get dressed in the hospital gown--It doesn't matter what hospital you're in; the robes are all the same.
Before Eric came back to see me off to surgery, I said several quick prayers asking Heavenly Father to watch over the surgeon's hands and asked if it were His will that he would allow me to heal from this odd, unexpected trial I was facing. I wanted to put my head under the pillow and hold it down so I could scream, cry and forge through this quickly.

Frenchy sending me off to surgery.

Ready for Surgery with Diana Lents

Eric kissed me on the forehead as they wheeled me into the OR; it was challenging to maintain my composure, tears flowed from my eyes and onto my pillow. Down the hallways of Cleveland Clinic, I saw a wall with 30-50 white coats hanging on hooks; I started to cry again. Those coats belong to doctors who will come to the hospital, take their white coats off the hook, and go to work. The tears continued to flow as nurses came up to me, asking what they could do for me--I shook my head back and forth and watched them walk away, not knowing what to do. I wanted them to put me out and get going on this surgery. I always look forward to going to my Happy Place in Paris Port Jaune; Eric and I pick wildflowers, ride bikes, and have a picnic, leaving the rest of the world and worries behind. I'm ready to move on with the surgery and hopefully put this chapter to rest,

This picture still brings me to tears; Eric is the
the most positive person I know--thank you Frenchie

I woke up in recovery in a lot of pain; I was trying to process where the pain was coming from, as the Nurse said, "Mrs. Williams, time to wake up. Do you know where you are?" "How many fingers am I holding up?" It was then that I realized the surgery was over; my immediate response was to touch my head to see what damage had been done. It was an 11-hour surgery, lots of anesthesia, blood, and what's this? A neck brace--I'm confused--Eric and Diana came into recovery; Eric told me I was beautiful. I thought his saying I was beautiful was so sweet, and I knew it wasn't true; how could I be beautiful with blood all over me, a swollen head, and staples making their way down my skull like a train track?

Just out of surgery

So happy to be with this guy

a kiss from Frenchy

Going back to my room, I kept going in and out of consciousness; not only does Cleveland have bumpy roads, but the driver taking me back to the room was also bumping into walls and doors. He also asked me what I would like him to sing for me, really? He wanted to sing; I said OK, Luther would be good, so he started singing Luther Vandross 'Here and Now' I told him it was beautiful, but not to quit his day job. He put his pointer finger to his mouth as if to shhh me. We arrived at my room; I had a few minutes before Eric and Diana came so I cried a little. I was overwhelmed with immediate love and peace when Eric walked into my room. With Eric, I don't have to say a word and he knows what I think. I sure don't want to disappoint him; he has been my rock and my friend Mysti has been with me through all this nonsense,

 On day two at the hospital, it was a Holiday..the 4th of July. The doctors on my team sent their residents to visit me. One resident told me he was there in place of my pain doctor, and he would put in orders for my pain medicine. Within a half hour, my pain slowly rose to a 6; I beeped for the Nurse and asked her for pain medicine. She said she would get it right away; within a few more minutes, my pain rose to level seven. I beeped for the Nurse again, asking for pain medicine. She then told me the resident did not put any orders in for pain medicine...WHAT? By now, I was at level eight going on nine ...the pain was so bad I started to cry, then I asked the Nurse to please call my husband; just wanted him there. From this point on, I tried to process happy thoughts and happy moments; sometimes worked sometimes it just didn't. I stared at the clock, not only waiting for the meds but also wanting Eric to be with me; he always makes things better. I was out of breath and crying so hard, trying to catch my breath I was sobbing in pain. The sweet Nurses rubbed my arms and legs trying to help, but she too was crying so we were not getting too far. I tried to sing "Be still my soul" through the gulps of air, then I sang "Come thou font."  Trying to tune my heart to Him. I sang, "I feel my Savior's Love"

  My room was right in front of the nurse's desk so they could watch me and monitor my pain levels. I was staring at the clock and whimpering loudly, out of control. I was on my own, I felt deserted, left alone, scared, and crying the hardest I ever had in my life. I was yelling in between cries, "Why have you ignored my pleas and prayers?" This was going to be my last day on earth, and I would not be able to say goodbye to Eric. Before every surgery, I write a letter to Eric and each one of my children. I paged the Nurse and asked her if she had contacted Eric, she said no, I asked her to please give him the letters in my backpack in case I didn't make it.

The other patients in the area where I was were complaining, telling the nurses to get my doctor or move them so they wouldn't have to hear me--I tried so hard to stop crying, the nurses were coming in saying how sorry they were, but they couldn't do anything until they heard from the doctor. I could hear nurses at the station outside of my room, they were laughing and joking with each other. The cackling of laughter I heard I will never forget. My desperate cry for help was falling on deaf ears. After an hour and sixteen minutes, the resident came into my room. He walked up to me and said "Why are you crying? It can't hurt that bad." I was covering my mouth because I knew I must have looked horrible. Then he said something that made me want to kick him "Why are you covering your mouth?" Looking back on this I say, "Are you kidding me?" I also recognize he was showing off as the senior resident to the junior residents. I didn't respond except with a cry and a loud scream "Please help me" Finally the pain medicine was surging through my veins with purpose and strength. As he walked out of the room, I heard the Nurse ask "Where have you been for an hour and 15 minutes? We have been paging you?" Arrogantly as possible he turned looked at the Nurse and said, "I don't have to answer to you."  When I could finally speak without trembling, I didn't want to, I just wanted Eric. I had been wailing and gnashing from side to side for an hour and 15 minutes, it took every bit of energy I had. My heart was racing but my blood pressure was low. When Eric arrived all was calm, he had no idea except he asked me "Sweetheart have you been crying?"  Uh--just a bit and I could see the hurt in his eyes as I told him, Eric said no one ever called him, which now in retrospect I realize was best. He never gets mad, but I'm sure this was not going to be acceptable behavior, I know he would have gone crazy seeing me in that much pain.

Today I had my post-op appointments with the surgeons, and they told me my ear looks great and everything is healing perfectly. Still, I am in a lot of pain, and I just want to go home.

I was told I can go home, and that I will need to see Doctor Barrs for the next few weeks, then in two months we will see how the nerve in my face has regenerated. The doctors told me this type of major surgery with nerves takes at least six to eight months to see results, so patience is going to be my middle name. Tonight, I am exhausted from the appointments, I am grateful for Dr. Haberkamp. I hope I never see Dr. Cocky Face again. I am looking forward to seeing my family. The happiness I feel in my heart far outweighs the horrible experience I had at the hospital. I'm going to live happily with the results of my surgery no matter what.

Happiness comes from within and is found in the present moment by making peace with the past and looking forward to the future. Eric was right when he said "You are beautiful"

I think I look terrible here, but my sister
said, "well you have no wrinkles, Nerium
is working"  

I was able to send those beautiful nurses who took such great care of me a note telling them how grateful I was for their compassion during a horrible time.

 

I feel my Saviors Love

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2014

I feel my Savior's Love

 Rainbows always show up when I need a sign from Heavenly Father
that he here's me. They are magnificent to me.

Well, I'm here again the night before a significant surgery, hoping and praying I've been away from my family will prove worth it this time. Making decisions without Eric or the kids helping me has been challenging. Every hour, I need to say a silent prayer to the Lord to bless me with a light that can feed my brain with knowledge. Then I ask them to help me be still enough to hear what He is trying to teach me. 

 I know change, and fears of change, have been on my mind. I've been walking around with a patch on my right eye; I hope the drops I've put in it night and day, along with the patch 22/7, were enough to not have a cornea transplant. My time alone has given me time to reach down and ask some gut-wrenching questions. One is, can I live a quality life with my face the way it is right now? Am I confident enough to live the rest of my life having people stare, to hear children say to their parents, "what is wrong with that lady's face or eye?" I've had a few even ask me themselves; I just tell them I have a boo-boo. 

These past 5 weeks in Cleveland, I've gotten inner strength I never thought I had. I wish I could understand His plan for me. I've read my scriptures and Preach My Gospel chapter 6, every day trying to be led to a place I need to be, asking and begging Him to teach me what I need to do so that I can return and live with Him one day. I don't know how I'm doing in that area; this is so hard. I need to hold on to everything I know to be accurate and not let go. Those things I know are precious to me and can never be taken from me. I've had many spiritual experiences since my 1st surgery at Mayo. The Lord loves me enough to give me a glimpse into my future; it is beautiful; every time I wake up, I want to go back, but I'm always told, "It's not your time; you must return and finish your journey." 

I received a text from a friend today (I don't want to reveal her name. She knows who she is). She had been thinking of me but didn't quite know the right words to say. She then said I hope you can get the answers you're looking for if it is the Lord's will. When I read that part, I could not get it off my mind... What is the Lord's will for me? Even I don't know the answer to that. She mentioned the fact she has been the caregiver of 2 sons who have been struggling with health issues; she said something else that has stuck in my head...she said she would gladly take their pain on herself so these boys would not have to feel it. This reminded me of the feelings our Heavenly Father must have when He sees his children struggling, He easily could take our pain away, but for some reason, He never does; why is that? I believe He wants us to learn to rely on Him entirely, give Him all we have, then sit back and have FAITH, have enough HOPE in Him to make miracles happen, or be strong enough to accept what is being presented to us, and find a way to live a happy life in whatever circumstances we are faced with.

I also received a text from my sweet Haleigh Bear:
H: "mom, when are you coming home.?
M: "Good question; it all depends on how well the surgery goes. I'm praying it all goes excellent so I can go home this weekend. I'm really scared.
H: We miss you so much, I pray for you every morning and night and I have faith that the surgery will go well. Don't be scared. The Heavenly Father is always looking over you, and dad will be there.
M; yes, I'm looking forward to seeing him; this is the longest we have ever been away from each other. He's the only one who knows how to calm me when I get those anxiety attacks while I'm waiting for surgery; I just don't want to ever feel that extreme pain from the nerve again."

Have I kept my promises to Him? When I was about fourteen, I promised the Lord if He would get me out of the situation I was in, I would promise to live a life of pure intent, I would share His Gospel with others, I would study and share with others how to live a happy life, no matter what. These past 5 years are different from what I had in mind. When I look in the mirror, I don't see what He sees. I know He sees the heart inside me, and He knows how much strength I have; he has shown me I can handle any trial I face. He's always been there beside me; I know when I kneel to pray to Him, He always answers back, it's not always the answer I want, or the timing is not always when I want it to be. I believe in Miracles, and He is the only one who can make those happen.

Going into this surgery, I feel all alone; even though Eric is here, I feel like I am negotiating with the Lord for my life. My anxiety for this surgery differs from what I have fished with other surgeries. I'm far away from home, and I just must keep remembering no matter where I am, He is always there, just one prayer away. I feel like this road is getting longer and longer, harder and harder to maintain calm. My heart is beating in my chest; I don't know if I can ask Him to take that away. I realize my life is forever changed, and I will never be the same again; I hope I can be a better version of myself; even with my face disfigured, I know who I am, and I know the kind of person I want to be. As a person who has witnessed what Heaven feels like, I cannot deny what I know to be true. I know the Lord has a plan for me; I just need to figure out what that is.

Tonight, as I lie down to sleep: I feel my Savior's love; his gentleness enfolds me, and when I kneel to pray, my heart is filled with peace; he knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him, I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.

Finally, Surgery on the Callendar

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 19, 2014

Finally, Surgery on the Calendar

Dr. Hamberkamp

This morning I had the opportunity to meet with Dr. Haberkamp for a pre-op appointment and to talk about all the drama yesterday. He is such a nice man, always happy and, most importantly, optimistic about reconnecting those nerves in my face. I guess time will tell, but I still love his positive outlook and optimism. I genuinely believe in a positive mental attitude; I have been working on my body to get some results. If I tell my body to do something long enough, my brain will do it. Sounds crazy; however, being positive and optimistic is better than the opposite; even if no results happen, I will still be happy. Why? Because I choose to be satisfied.

Dr. Haberkamp looked in my ear and saw some crystallization, which means it's healthy tissue; I have worked hard to get some healthy tissue with Bacitracin and my $100 bottle of antibiotic. 

He said that having the blood is OK; we don't want to lose too much blood, and I can't afford to buy new clothes every day, but it shows him that there is HOPE in the fact that tissue is alive.

The surgery is set for July 3. To keep my ear from bleeding, the doctor put a coagulant in my ear, which will stay until surgery. It feels like slime, but this is the best my ear has looked in a long time.

That white is the coagulant.

 I have labs and am assuming more appointments before my surgery, so I will stay in Cleveland until then. I'm counting my blessings today--so happy for too many things to matter. 

Dr. McDreamy

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18, 2014

Dr. McDreamy

Been there, done that....never again...

That little black area is where the source of blood came from

So much for that shirt, bra and undergarments.

I felt every bit of that blood trickle down.

Ambulance...? REALLY...?? I wonder how much that will cost me

I decided to venture out of my hotel and see if I could find some pants. I only brought one suitcase and ran out of clothes. I thought by now I would have had surgery and been home with my family, so I didn't bring extra anything...really, you can believe it, I'm a woman and didn't pack heavy--my husband should be impressed.
I made it to a Macy's department store and was looking on the sales rack (Eric, you would be proud)
Nothing there, but while I was standing there, I heard something behind me hit the wall, I turned to look, and it was a significant splatter of blood. Immediately my ear was gushing bright red runny blood down my neck; I felt a puddle forming in my undergarments but was afraid to look--I grabbed my ear, and sure enough, it was not stopping. There was blood everywhere. The sales associate took me to the bathroom and sat me on a chair. The blood was still gushing out, saturating the wet towel, and I could feel the blood going down my throat as I put my head back.
Macy's called 911... I asked them not to because I didn't want to pay the bill for an ambulance when I could just drive to Cleveland Clinic. As soon as the EMTs saw inside my ear, they decided for me, and soon I was lifted into an ambulance. I had to tell the history of my ear issues over and over today. To top it all off, when I arrived at the Cleveland Clinic, they rolled me into the emergency area and told me to put in room 13..." No, I will not go in room 13; please don't take me in that room, I'll wait in the hallway, but do not take me in there"  wanting me to calm down the EMT asked me why I didn't want to be in that room, I said "It's not a good number, it's bad, and I need all the blessings I can get right now"  he laughed at me and rolled me into room 13...YIKES--Soon Diana and her sister, who lives here, came into my room they waited with me until a doctor could come--An ENT came, cleaned me up, and called for Dr. Haberkamp; however, he was deep into surgery and would not be able to come. We waited for one of his residents to come. Finally, he opened the curtain and said, "Hello" I couldn't resist it I replied, "Did you have to be so dang cute?"
  he laughed, and as he walked closer, I could see he had a hickey on his neck, again I couldn't resist it...."Um, you know I can see that hickey, you're not fooling anyone" he laughed and said, "I'll have to talk to my wife about that."

By this time, it had stopped bleeding...this was so scary; I had no idea an ear could bleed that much--Originally, the EMT told us he could see the blood seeping from the surgery plug Dr. Haberkamp had put it in to cover the nerve. Dr. Cutie Pie said there was a small black area in the bowl area of my ear where the blood was coming from. He said since I was seeing my surgeon tomorrow, I could leave, and Dr. Haberkamp will assess it tomorrow. I was so relieved; it was very scary to feel that amount of blood gushing from my ear and not know what to do. I just held it, like I did when I was a young child; I remember holding it when it hurt. I thanked the doctor and said have a good day "Dr. McDreamy." He was embarrassed but he smiled.

Besides a migraine, I felt fine when I left the hospital. I just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep; I was exhausted. I did my usual going-to-bed regimen, I was finally able to lie down and once again, the blood started gushing. I remember Dr. McDreamy told me to put some Afrin on a cotton ball and pressure it if it started to bleed again. I did exactly what the doctor said, and voila' blood flow stopped. I put some bacitracin on it, covered it with a cotton ball and band-aid...and off to sleep.

Smile with your eyes--

FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 2014

Smile with your eyes--

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've been in Cleveland, getting opinion after opinion. I have finally found the surgeons I feel perfect about. The process they propose will take a few more surgeries than I had anticipated, and I really did have to place a lot of faith in my Heavenly Father to make decisions that will not only help the look of my face but also the newest procedures in medical technology. I asked all the right questions and, most importantly, how often they performed this procedure. The Doctor I chose said he does this every day, with 98.8% satisfactory results with patients. I really liked him, and he explained all the medical procedures in a way I could understand, just like Dr. Kreymerman used to do. In fact, I've spoken with PK several times about my methods and doctors, and he is confident I am in good hands here at the Cleveland Clinic.

I've spent most of my time in a hotel waiting for doctors to call--and you can believe every morning they get a call from me asking if anything has moved closer to a surgery date? Nothing yet.

Yesterday while I was at the Cleveland Cancer Center, I had a panic attack in the waiting area--I was not prepared for it at all. A swift whiff of chemo threw me off--that smell was oh so familiar--there were a lot of sick people all around me--all I wanted to do was hug them, help them, talk to them,  laugh with them, spread some happiness with them--all these emotions raging through my body--I wanted to run, just run away as fast as I could--"Monya Williams" across the loudspeaker shook me out of that odd place I was allowing myself to go.

Routine questions by the nurse--my legs were shaking, I hate sitting still while I have those panic attacks--it's literally impossible, but today I sat and stared out the window at the beautiful trees and floral; it's incredible how the Lord is always there when I need to be shaken up a little and brought back to reality--I can never deny how it makes me feel when I have these moments--I know He heals-I know His love is real-I've seen the truth revealed to me--I've felt the truth of His passion ---I'm proof of His unconditional love-- I've been praying and searching for answers, I know He has to lead me with His hand and by the spirit to this Cleveland Clinic, but at times I'm lonely I wonder if I should be home helping my daughter with two small children, she is having surgery on Monday to have her tonsils taken out---I wish I could make time stand still sometimes--make everything in life perfect, just for a minute or two. I could really use a batch of Recker and Ezra right now--if I could, I would ask our Heavenly Father to let time stand still just for time enough to go to each and every person who has touched my life and spread happiness in my life--I have seen so many of my friends of all religious believes come together and unite as one, as we stand together our cause is more significant than we will ever know--we are not just living in a weak world, we have so many around us that do know right from wrong and are strong in their convictions--I WILL always choose His way, in a world where there are so many who will not follow our Heavenly Father, I. Many friends have made private commitments that we WILL stand for truth and righteousness.

Now it's time for me to meet a new doctor, another surgeon on my team who will be helping during the surgery--I really liked him; he was animated and excited as he gave me his rundown of what he thought was best for my individual situation--halfway through his explanation he lost me with his medical jargon I asked him to slow down and explain it in "blonde" terms. He smiled and reviewed every option; he also typed it out and gave me a copy to process it. Basically, this is what we discussed. I have no proper ear function and a large mastoid bowl with a fibrous base.

The ear is a significant emergency that needs to be taken care of asap; however, believe it or not, my eye is the most critical issue right now--I am in jeopardy of losing my cornea and having to get a cornea transplant. He will put a gold weight in the eyelid, allowing me to blink when my brain says it needs to. However, there will be some training and re-hab on my part.

There is significant concern about the boney loss in the mastoids that have been removed; this will need some bone resection.

All surgeons agree that a sural nerve jump graft is necessary if an excellent frontal nerve stump can be found. In English--- if there is a good nerve they can use, they will do a nerve graft from one side of the face (left) to the right side. It's best to not let this wait because of progressive osteomyelitis changes. If this is the case, they recommend a more straightforward reconstruction 1st, which most likely could be done with an SCM (google that) flap and skin graft. If this fails, I can get a radial artery-free flap. He explained all the risks and benefits and was able to answer all my questions.

He agrees with the other doctors involved this needs to be done asap; however, trying to get this many doctors' schedules in sync is difficult; all are willing to cancel a day on their clinic schedule but finding an OR for 12 hours is going to be hard.....and so I wait. He thinks it could be possible in the next couple of weeks, and the symmetry of the mouth and eyelid will be later. Basically, the surgery and healing will take over a year.  

My speech is difficult to understand; it's slurred on some pronunciations; I will have to learn to train my brain again...every day, I look in the mirror and say in my head, "move, I know you can do it, just move" to my eyelid" then again, I do this with my mouth. I try to eat on that side, too; it is challenging. I want to work those muscles.  

I'm having a hard time dealing with the looks I get from people; I understand why they look. When I smile, it is entirely crooked, today a group of kids were with their teachers at Barnes and Noble, and one of the kids looked at me and said, "what's wrong with that lady's face?" the teacher said, "she's smiling at you with her eyes" I walked into the bathroom stall, cried a little then realized ..... I always smile with my heart at Recker, my grandson, who has non-verbal autism. So many times, he stares at me with his eyes; I know we are communicating. I am going to start a happy, positive thoughts and actions experiment--if anyone wants to do it with me, let me know; I have an idea...I had some tears today, but through it all, I know I am where I should be right now, and it sounds like it's going to be at least a month.