Successful date in the OR with Dr. Kreymerman

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2010

Successful date in the OR with Dr. Kreymerman

I had a very successful date with Dr. Kreymerman on Thursday in his OR, and I just want to update you. Tamy, Eric, and I got to the Mayo Hospital around 1:00 pm. Floods of memories came back to me as I stepped on the elevator to the 2nd floor waiting area. Although I don't remember this, Eric later told me I had a horrible panic attack in that waiting area, and today I was afraid of that happening again. Sitting and waiting was the most challenging part for me; Tamy tried all her tactics on me, but I was not focused today, and my mind was wandering. Paced and paced until they finally called me back. When Dr. Kreymerman came in to see me before surgery and take out his purple marking pen, I was so happy to see him and felt like my fears subsided. He has a way of making his patients feel comforted and secure. Well, he does for me anyway...... I am blessed to have such an incredibly talented and compassionate doctor. I cannot imagine a better fit for my personality than Dr. Kreymerman.

The nurses were ready to wheel me back to the OR, 1st kisses and hugs from Eric, my favorite man of all time. He loves me, and we've been through so much together. It's nice to know that through it all, he's still here, he knows everything about me, and still, he loves me..... and Tamy, my dear friend Tamy has been with me through this all with no judgment, only love .... thank you, thank you for your sweet smile and happy thoughts.

I had to spend the night and the next day in the hospital....seriously ???? I have a problem with my plumbing after surgeries, and I cannot go PEE .... Dr. Kreymerman came over to visit with Eric and me. He's a funny guy. He loves his wife and is excited about the new baby. A unique spirit comes into a family when you bring a new baby home, and I feel the Kreymermans are about to be blessed with that special someone.

Since coming home from the hospital, I am still in pain, but the rocks that used to fill the holes where boobs were supposed to be are gone. They are soft now, but I still have to wear that ugly post-surgical bra 24 hours a day. Remember the one I blinged out last year? I was lucky enough to get a new one put on after this surgery....whoo hoo, It's impressive that the pain from the rocks is gone. The only pain I feel now is from the incisions where Dr. Peter Kreymerman did his magic. I have also been nauseous the last couple of days. I don't feel like doing a celebratory dance but soon; really, who wants to come to watch?

POSTED BY BonBon AT 3:10 pm 2 COMMENTS 

♥ from Mayo Hospital

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2010

♥ from Mayo Hospital

Blogging from my Hospital room sending lots of hugs and kisses....surgery was successful and I will hopefully be able to go home today or tomorrow. I will blog more about my date with Dr. Kreymerman later when I am not loopy, who knows what I'll say so now .....xoxo

Hip Pain

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2010

Hip Pain

This week my hips are really in pain. It hurts to walk up and down the stairs at my house. I don't like taking the pain medicine because it makes me feel like I am giving in to it.
Also, this week I have been receiving emails from the American Cancer Society, the last email that came asked me if I was ready to purchase a wig or look at their catalog for hats and beanies..... WHAT? Been there, done that, there should be some kind of filter that lets A.C.S know we are done with chemo and moving on with our lives. I have had a bit of a bad attitude this past week, can you tell? I really don't mind getting the emails. Still, when I opened the TLC catalog, it brought back a wave of emotions and memories, Tamy and I looked at that catalog a year ago, and I considered purchasing some hats from them but decided against it. Then when I did decide to buy one, I got a prescription from my oncologist and bought one at a store close to Mayo Clinic. I never wore it, never, not even once. I think my kids and all their friends have more fun wearing that wig; even Recker wore it one day.

POSTED BY UNKNOWN AT 8:26 PM 0 COMMENTS 

I LOVE my life

 

MONDAY, AUGUST 30, 2010

I L♥VE my Life

I was kinda forced to go back to work. The day after we arrived home from Paris, I went back to work at US AIRWAYS. I am exhausted from the mental stimulation. On the 1st day, I had a panic attack on my way to the office; I had to pull over and breathe; oh, how I wished Tamy would have been with me; she always knows how to help. I had to quickly go to my "happy place" I remember bicycling with Frenchie in the hills of France; it made me smile and got me through the night. I definitely have CHEMO BRAIN, which I have been told is very common with patients; I have lost a lot of short-term memory and eyesight. Trying to remember all that I have been trained to do repeatedly for the past 6 years is not coming easy for me. Luckily US AIRWAYS is kind enough to put me through some training before getting me back on the phones with people. I worry about only working for a few weeks before I will take another medical leave when I have surgery, but I have been reassured by US AIRWAYS that they will train me again if needed when I return.

One of the things I have noticed about being back in the WORLD is how negative people can be. I don't think they even realize it. I am so grateful for my job; never before would I have said that. I have a different perspective now. When I think about where my life was a year ago and that I am alive and can go to work, it makes me happy. I get to be with Recker all day, then go for a few hours to work at night a couple days a week. I love my life !!!

POSTED BY UNKNOWN AT 3:07 PM 3 COMMENTS 

My Fun Visit With Doctor Peter Kreymerman

WEDNESDAY, JULY 21, 2010

My Fun Visit With Doctor Peter Kreymerman

Today was my appointment with my favorite doctor Doctor Peter Kreymerman. First things first, I asked him if anything new and exciting was happening in his life he answered, "yes, we are pregnant" at first, I thought he asked if I was pregnant, my reaction was, "uh, no, I'm not" as I patted my belly then I realized he was talking about his wife. I am so excited for them; they will be having a little baby girl at the end of November. He looked so happy, and I'm sure his wife is cute as can be pregnant. He better be good to her. Heather is on vacation this week, and we missed seeing her.
Since Mayo Clinic is a teaching clinic, he had a beautiful young student with him who had been learning from Dr. Kreymerman since the middle of June. I asked her if he was a good teacher she said he was terrific to work with..... I knew he would be. PK and Tamy got into some medical jargon about my breasts; some people would think, "how embarrassing, or how strange," but it's not. I have been so exposed this past year that nothing really bothers me. My breasts have been seen by every student he's had. I say just call it what it is HARD AS ROCK BOOBS. I can't wait for these expanders to be out of my body; they feel like granite. It's a good thing Tamy knows this stuff; she always explains it to me even though her explanations are way over my head.

I was telling Dr. Kreymerman about the anxiety attack I had last night. I was sitting on my bed reading, but my thoughts were everywhere. Eric is out of town, it's the 1st time he has left me since my diagnosis, and he calls me a lot, but last night I could not control my thoughts and fears, and I began to freak out. I was trying to think of ways to prevent it, so I got some nail polish (bright pink) and started painting my fingernails; what? I have never had colored paint on my nails, especially not bright pink... I liked it, ok, so back to the attack soon I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning, my nails were seriously JACKED UP; I found some remover and took off the polish. I'm not sure if this worked or if it was just really, really weird. I love talking to PK because he listens, and I'm sure he thinks I'm a little strange, but he always laughs and makes me feel comfortable. I asked PK if he liked my hair, and he smiled and politely said, "yes, but I liked your long hair better" that made me happy, finally someone who could be honest. I liked my long hair better too. 

I love my oncologist too, but I can't joke with him like I do PK; today, I thought, "I need to find a way to get Dr. Northfelt to laugh."

We laughed and joked with PK for about 1/2 hour. I told him about some of the experiences I have had since losing my hair, the lady who asked me, "did you cut your hair like that on purpose?" and the lady in Walmart who told me my haircut was terrible and gave me her hairstylist business card. The best story of all was the lady from Subway who hit on me. Dr. Kreymerman laughed and gave me a big hug. He also said the same thing Eric did "take it as a compliment" After examining me, PK said it all looks good; surgery is on the schedule for October 12. 

I am grateful for Doctor Kreymerman; I wish every VILLAIN patient could experience the compassion, whit, and professionalism I have experienced with him. Going into surgery, I will be in good hands; Doctor Kreymerman cares for his patients.

After PK, I had another appointment to get my PORT flushed (something I have to do once a month). Walking into the hospital, I started to panic, but Tamy was good about keeping my mind on other things. I know I can do hard things, but it helps to have Tamy with me; she is a gift from Heaven. Thank You, Girl.

http://monyabonbon.blogspot.comLABELS: CANCER, DR. KREYMERMAN, DR. NORTHFELT, JOURNALING 

I Am Blessed

 I Am Blessed

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm on autopilot, just doing the things that need to be done. I don't want to live that life anymore; it scares me. I want to move forward and be grateful for today; the hours and minutes are so precious; I hope I will always live them with dignity and respect for myself and others.
I have met some incredible people; most of them have contacted me through email. I'm always amazed when it happens because I write so much gibberish on this blog. I can't imagine that someone who doesn't know me would be interested in what I have to say. Heck, I can't imagine that anyone who does know me would either. These women are from other states and some even from other countries, all of us having one thing in typical the stinkin' breast VILLAIN. Recently I was contacted by a woman diagnosed just last week who is flying to Arizona to meet with my team of Doctors at the Mayo Clinic. Through my blog, three women I have met have flown to see my Mayo Clinic doctors. 3 of the woman I have met this past year have flown to Arizona to meet with my team of Doctors. I am grateful for these women in my life; one of them moved here from New Jersey and does not have any family or close friends. 

When she was diagnosed, she searched doctors on google, and my blog came up. She is also using my same team of doctors. She will be undergoing a bi-lateral mastectomy on June 30th. I hope she falls in love with Dr. Kreymerman) like I did. Is it weird that I am looking forward to seeing him next month? My prayers and thoughts are with my new friend Jodi at this time. It's scary. The unknown can bring so much fear and anxiety to your life. People I have met this past year have helped me see life differently. I have never met; they don't know how they have touched my life with their faith and strength. A couple of them have passed away, and the VILLAIN took their life. I am still trying to process this and make sense of it. Life is strange how it changes so quickly; one day, you're upset with a child or your husband for something, and in just a moment, life changes, and those things now seem so silly or insignificant in the whole eternal scheme.

 I started this blog saying I feel like I'm on autopilot; what I mean by that is I've let myself become immune to life. I'm getting back into my routines and forgetting what is essential. I learned to wake up every morning happy to be alive, glad that I have a wonderful husband who has a job and takes great care of me. I am so pleased about my children, sisters who I love and adore, and extended family and friends who respect and love me. Please, please help me never to forget; I often plead with the Lord to help me never to forget.
How many people have a friend who would dedicate themselves to helping you fight the BC battle by taking you to every single chemotherapy treatment? I do. Tamy Scheurn took me most of the time. I love her so much that I don't think I can express this woman's compassion for other people. I want to be like that; I want to give back to so many who helped me when I was sick, those who continue to leave things like flowers, chips/salsa, treats, and books on my doorstep. I don't know most of them because they have taught their children to serve without getting recognition (doorbell ditchers). I LOVE IT !!!! Simply said, I AM BLESSED.

Reflections in the Mirror

 

MONDAY, MARCH 29, 2010

Reflections in the Mirror

With all this good news in my life, I have been feeling good and happy the past couple of days. I will enjoy this time right now. I have been so homesick for Blake but have decided that the Lord can take much better care of him than I can, so I need to for now and let the Lord do his thing. In May, I will talk to him again and then turn him back to the Lord. Thank you, Tamy, for your Advice. It's a good thing I only had one son. The Lord knew it would be too hard for me to send them off for 2 years.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror naked, like after you get out of the shower? Usually, I run into my closet and quickly get dressed, but today I stared at myself for 15 minutes; WOW, things have changed over the years. Are we as women ever 100% happy with our bodies? Even when I was running every day and exercising like a maniac, I was not satisfied with what my body looked like. But today, as I looked into my eyes, I saw a different woman who has endured many trials in her life that should count for some of those wrinkles I have on my face. I know a woman with much faith and love for her family and friends more than ever before. I love people I never would have given the time of day to before. Not because I didn't care for them but simply because I felt I didn't have time. I see an imperfect body, maybe even a little sick and frail, but inside that poor body, I see a stronger woman, willing to stand up for her beliefs at any cost, even if I'm the only one standing. Today, I can look past the imperfections and understand that imperfection is in all of us. The Lord does not expect us to be perfect. He expects us to come unto him and love one another. Interesting to me, since it is so hard to love what they see in the mirror staring back at them. I never thought I would love the woman staring back at me, but I do, even with my bald head and fair face, with no eyelashes or eyebrows. The past 8 months have brought to light a new perspective on life. Too bad I waited 47 years to come to a clear understanding of who I am. I wish I could talk to all young women and tell them don't wait for something tragic to happen in their life. Be faithful and strong now, come to see yourself like the Lord sees you- BEAUTIFUL- HE loves each one of us, and even though we all look different when we know who we are, we learn that in the Lord's eye, it does not matter, because we were created by him, and He is unconditional love.

Last day of Chemo

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2010

Last Day of Chemo

Today was my last chemo treatment....the significance of this milestone is overwhelming to me. I am not feeling well today, but I know I need to get my feelings down on my blog as it usually goes through the week of chemo. I get sicker as the days go on, and it makes it difficult for me to concentrate (primarily because of the drugs)
My day started with Tamy picking me up at 9 am, and we checked in at 9:40. We sat in the waiting area, visiting each other and having a spiritual talk that I will not soon forget. I love Tamy. I explained how much I've felt unprepared spiritually for this trial.
I am really far from being done with this journey. As I look back on the past 6-7 months, it is such a blur, and in some ways, it has burst my eyes and heart wide open. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am looking forward to 6 months from now when I can say "I am cancer-free."

I did not want to go to chemo. It is grueling and makes me sick, but I knew it would be my last, and I was ready to conquer it today. It was a rainy day, and after hours of the chemo being pumped into me, the nurse came to say I was done. The chemo was done draining. Tamy looked out the window and said, "look at the beautiful rainbow."
Tears filled my eyes because I knew it was the Lord giving me a sign. It was like the rainbow I saw with Haleigh in Hawaii, just 2 weeks before I found out I had the VILLAIN in me, except for one thing we could not see the end of the rainbow this time. The VILLAIN is still lingering over our house, but I am still here, trying to survive. I believe the end is in sight, but I have more work.
The nurses came in and celebrated with me. I cried as I hugged each one of them and Tamy. Now I have the month of March off, only 2 doctor appointments, and they will do the mapping to get me ready for radiation in April. I am so looking forward to being with my family, we are going away from here for spring break, and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.

1st Round of Taxol

 

MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2010

1st round of Taxol

My good friend and confidant Tamy Scheurn picked me up at 9 am to head to Scottsdale Mayo for round 5. I felt so anxious and not looking forward to my stay at the Mayo Suites, haha. I love that I can be "real" with Tamy and tell her what is on my mind. Actually, I don't hold back much with anyone, do I? I guess that is just who I am, I think for most of my life, I held so many secrets that now, as an adult, I have learned to express myself, and sometimes it is to my dismay I fear I hurt people with my words and that is the last thing I ever want to do, I promise I am working on that one !!!
OK, so back to Tamy, I love her, and I can really get down to the nitty-gritty feelings. Other than my husband, it's always been difficult for me to open up to people. It has been so good for me to rely on someone to take me to chemo, Eric has to be at a mandatory meeting every Monday, plus I do not think he could handle it. He has a hard time seeing what I go through when I get home, let alone the access to the PORT and the side effects during the actual chemo infusion. He takes me to MAYO on Thursdays and Fridays when I get labs drawn or need to actually talk to my doctor or PA.
The needle they use to access my PORT is the size of the circumference of a nail, and it is excruciating going in. It is still important to have because it is accessed at least once a week, it is much better than them poking around for veins, and after a while, those become hard to find and can collapse. I will usually put a cream on the PORT about an hour before it is accessed. This helps to numb the area, but even with the cream, it is painful, and when I took Kayla with me on Friday to get some labs done, the look on her face was not fun to watch. She almost fainted when she watched them access it and then pull out vile after blood. She said it was the most blood she had ever seen at one time. I myself don't watch because I am a fainter also.
I have Tamy there. She is a trained scrub nurse and has seen much worse, she too has a port and knows the pain, so I rely on her for strength and support.
My oncologist told me that I would have 4 rounds of Taxol, a new chemo drug they are trying on me. Today was my 1st round which puts me past my 1/2 mark. Whoo-hoo.
Taxol is an anti-cancer chemotherapy drug. It is used for people who have breast, ovarian, lung, bladder, prostate, melanoma, esophageal, and other tumor-related VILLAINS.
Taxol side effects:
-Low Blood Counts (white, red, and platelets may temporarily decrease, putting patients at high risk for infections, anemia, and bleeding.)
-Continued Hair Loss (it can't get much worse)
- Pain in the joints and muscles (already experienced those with the Neulasta shots)
-Pain in the lower back ( this started today)
-shortness of breath (been there, done that)
-pressure in the chest (I never experienced this)
-abnormal heartbeat (I had a bit of this too)
-Nausea and Vomiting (with Taxol, it should be mild, but I have experienced the puking, NOT FUN)
-Diarrhea (oh yeah....embarrassing but I have experienced sitting on the toilet while puking in the trash can)
-Mouth Sores ( I have these all along the way, nothing new)
-Fever, facial flushing, chills, shortness of breath, or (hives within the 1st 10 minutes of injection--I did not experience this)
-Swelling of the feet or ankles (so far, so good)
-Foot and hand tingles or sores ( I experienced this for about 4 days. It felt like I was walking on glass a couple times)
-liver problems (so far, nothing)
-low blood pressure (blood pressure has been normal)
-darkening of the skin (none)
-nail color change (I had the red fingernails the 1st and 4th week of chemo)
-you may experience drowsiness and dizziness (I have fainted a few times)
-wash your hands often (yes, I do, my hands are so dry from the antibacterial wash)
-avoid direct sunlight. YOU MUST WEAR SUNGLASSES AND SPF 15 WHEN EXPOSED TO SUNLIGHT (WOW)
-Get plenty of rest (I do)
-avoid alcoholic beverages---(DANG IT HAHA...I'm proud of the fact that I have never tasted alcohol in my life, and I am not going to start now) (however, I have been in so much pain that there have been days I wished I had some "special brownies," but if you bring them I don't want to know the ingredients, because I have also never tried that either hee hee)
- avoid contact sports and keep your workouts to walking only a minimum, down the block and back (I look forward to the day when they say I can run to the end of the block)
**YOUR RISK OF INFECTION IS MUCH HIGHER THAN BEFORE
**YOU MUST AVOID CROWDS OF PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH COLDS AND THOSE NOT FEELING WELL

Today I felt the Taxol entering my system like the black plague, and every drip penetrated me immediately. I was sleepy, my back ached, and my legs were so restless that I could not sit still. My nurse Tina called Dr. Northfelt to see if it was OK to give me some Ativan for the restlessness, he agreed, and that seemed to help me. It was a long day, but I am excited that we are 1/2 way through. 

Tonight I feel tired, and my stomach is aching. I think I will take a long hot bath and get ready for a long night along with my back and legs. Tina told me that if I was restless during the chemo treatment, I would be restless during the night, nothing new a lot of the side effects are what I have already been experiencing, so I will just put on my gloves and get ready for a continued fight.
I heard from Dr. Kremerman. He called me just to see how I was doing. It was surprising, but that is the type of Doctor he is. He cares about his patients even when they are not seeing him regularly. (I will not see him until chemo is over) I have still been experiencing extreme pain in my breasts. I asked Dr. Keymerman about it because I wanted to ensure this much pain was expected.

Dr. PK said that the aching will not disappear until after chemo and radiation because I have no tissue in my breasts. The lymph nodes were removed under my arm, and I am not like a normal woman. My breasts are tough (like a brick wall), which causes pain, especially if I use my arms a lot. He explained that because of the low blood cells being divided and taken away from my body, there is nothing to protect my breasts from the aching and pain. He is such a great doctor. Just one more tender mercy in my life, I will always have a special place in my heart for him and doctor Northfelt.

Thrid and Fourth Day's of Loss

 

It's been a rough week of treatments, but Eric and I decided a while ago we would spend some time together and go away for a couple of days. I knew the ride down to our home in Mexico would be challenging, but I did it, and I survived. Knowing that our grandbaby is due next week, we decided this would be the best time for us to go and pay the bills, walk the beach or do nothing but spend it in the condo. I started out a little anxious about the whole idea but knew if I had my own nurse on board (Tamy Schuern) we would get through it OK, and we did. I can't say it was adventurous like we are so used to doing in Mexico, but it was relaxing, and I was able to deal with the hair loss away from my home. Tom and Eric went golfing and allowed me to chill in the condo, sleep, get sick, or do whatever I needed to do, and I had Tamy beside me if I needed her. When I needed my private time, I loved that I could go in my room, shut the door, and do "my thing," cry, get sick, sleep, or do whatever was absolutely needed for me to get through the day. I laid on Tamy's lap while she rubbed my head and massaged my temples on the way home. It put me to sleep. Although I felt horrible, I think she had handfuls of hair to add to our collection. It's never-ending. The hair just continues to fall out.
I feel weak and vulnerable this week, much more than I did during my last treatment.
When Eric and I pray together, it's more meaningful and loving than I remember, the Lord is watching over us and blessing us, but the fear is still with me.
3rd day of hair loss


4th day of hair loss

Significant Hair Loss

 OK, so I have had many people ask me about hair loss. These are the questions and the answers, but the answers may not be the same for every VILLAIN patient, and these are only what I have experienced.

1. Q: how long after chemo does it take for the hair to start falling out
A: I was told my doctor after about 10 days, I should start seeing it fall out, up to 3 weeks
2. Q: does All the hair on your body fall out:
A: Well, I am not a hairy person; I only shave my legs and underarms about once a month. I have not seen any hair loss in those areas yet, but not sure if I would even notice...the pubic area falls out first, and Like I said, I am not hairy, but let's just say if I was a person who actively was getting Brazilian waxes, it would no longer be needed TMI for you? Sorry...I always warn people this is for my journaling and stress relief. Sorry if I offend. Those hairy guys on the beach offend me....you know the ones with hair from the front to their back? They need to WAX
3. Q: when does it grow back? And will it grow back the same as before chemo?
A: for some people, it will start to grow back even before chemo
treatments are done (more than likely not), but it is hard to answer that question since I am not there yet. Everyone is different, so all I know is what I have been told about it growing back. It could come back a different color, thicker, curlier, or the same.....it's all a mystery, maybe something to look forward to huh?
I am blogging about my hair loss from day one until it is all gone. I know this is strange to some people, but yesterday was my 1st day of significant hair loss, and I saved it all as much as I could in a baggie. I want to look back and remember appreciating and loving what I have for the rest of my life. 

When Tamy and I were driving to Mayo Clinic, I ran my fingers through my hair, and about 10-15pieces came out. By the time we were on our way home, chunks were coming out. By that night, handfuls were falling out. I decided to take a hot bath and get all my crying out, so I sobbed, hoping no one in the house could hear me. (good chance of that since only Eric and Haleigh are home) So basically, I have gone through all the emotions crying, sobbing, angry, mad, sad and now just annoyed by the hair. I walk around every day with a baggie scooping it all into the bag so I can record it at the end of the day. I am having a hard time uploading the 1st day, so it's starting today, the 2nd day.
the backside of the head 2nd day
the top side of the head 2nd day
2nd day
2nd day of hair loss

Mayo Popcorn

 

This morning I went to see Dr. Peter Kreymerman. I realize what a special blessing my doctors are in my life. Every doctor I have been referred to has been a tender mercy in my life. 

My neighbor Pam Jerome found out about The VILLAIN and emailed me about a friend who lives in Indiana who recently found out about her VILLAIN. She asked if it would be Ok for Sandi to contact me. We have been corresponding through email, and when I told her about Dr. Kreymerman, she made an appointment at Mayo and flew out to see him last week. I told Dr. Kreymerman today that I deserve some referral money from him; he agreed.... and said he would see what he could do. Sandi is scheduled for surgery in a couple of weeks at the Mayo Clinic with Dr. Peter Kreymerman.

I do love to see Dr. Kreymerman. We have a fun banter going every time I go, yet he is serious when I need him. I think I am almost crossing a line of a stalker patient.  He asked me today if my hair was a wig? "WHAT??? Are you kidding me right now?" was my reply. He just laughs at me. Should I be worried? Do most doctors laugh with their patients? Not any that I've ever had...and notice I said laugh with.

One of the things I love the most about Mayo Clinic is the popcorn at the Phoenix campus. When I was in the hospital, Eric had popcorn every day. I introduced Tamy to Popcorn. She loves it. It's our treat after expansions with Dr. Kreymerman. We really loaded up today; I wanted to give Eric a little treat when he got home, so I brought some home. My life is full of wonderful, tender mercies. Is it ok that popcorn from Mayo Clinic is one of them? 

Another Dreaded Day In My Journey

 

Haleigh, Kayla, Sonya, Jenny, Kara, and Tamy took the picture.

I knew this day was coming but genuinely have been filing it away, hoping to never have to look at it. Not only did I look at it today, but I also faced it head-on.
The fear of losing my hair has been lingering in my mind, and I can always push it away with the distraction of Kaitlyn's wedding. Over the past month or so, my sweet husband has been trying to tactfully bring it up and discuss it, but I have not been open to that discussion, pretty much cutting him off at the knees when he brings it up. My good friend and hairdresser Kara Ellingson brought it up to me, and we made the appointment for yesterday, November 20th, at 3:00 pm. 
All week I have been extremely sick and not thinking about my hair. The side effects of chemotherapy have hit me like a brick. However, I also know that chemo is what is going to save me.
I had my support system with my sister Sonya, daughters Kayla and Haleigh, and friends Jenny Ruttinger and Tamy Scheurn. I wished that Kaitlyn (on her honeymoon...fun), Kris (sister in Louisiana), and Mysti Brown (good friend out of town) could have been with me also; they were with me in spirit, I'm sure.

My body is so weak, and I hope my spirit will not give out on me during this process. I want to kneel and pray before I leave the house, but I am so angry right now; cutting my hair is not my choice; again, The VILLAIN is in control. I am feeling very vulnerable; the prayer that is my heart is starting to bubble up to the tears in my eyes. Hoping and wanting this to go away, but we drive closer and closer to our destination, my heart is beating a million miles a minute. Jenny is talking to me; I'm trying to keep up with the conversation. I love her so much and don't want to be rude, it sounds strange, but I'm thinking about my Aunt Pam making chocolate and coconut pies for Thanksgiving. Sonya told me yesterday that she has Grandma Belshe's recipe and likes to make those....talk about a distraction. I enjoyed that one for a few minutes. We are on Gilbert Road, crossing Brown Road, as I tell Jenny to turn left on Gary, and Kara's house is the 1st on the left. Funny, I have been getting my hair cut by Kara for about 13 years. This was the 1st time I ever resented coming to see her. 

We all walked into the salon, and I sat in the chair, feeling like I was going to the electric chair. I love Kara, she started to talk to me about some options, and I began to cry.  I could see the tears welling up in her eyes too.  I felt so bad; I don't want to make anyone cry. By then, I think it was too late. They were all crying. I tried to grab them all and say, "sorry, I'm so sorry you are enduring this with me, please help me make this decision" the options were:

1. cut it short and have fun with a different style for a week or two (and maybe the transition will be more accessible when it all falls out)
2. Shave it off start wearing a scarf or wig; the transition is obvious
I decided a long time ago I wanted to keep my hair and try and sew it on Velcro strips. My thought was that maybe I could Velcro some of my own hairpieces into some hats or beanies. 

My mind is so swamped right now that it's hard for me to make the decision, so we as a group decided to cut it short and enjoy it for a couple of weeks. 

As Kara pigtailed it and prepared me for the dramatic cut, I stared at myself in her mirror, wondering how I got here, how did this happen? When did I lose control of so much of my own decisions? (back to that later)
The 1st cut through the pigtail echoed loud in my ear; I will never, ever forget the sound of my hair being cut. My crying became louder and louder with every cut of the scissors, the 2nd one was just as bad, and now it's done; Tamy is holding my hair in her hands, carefully placing it in a plastic bag as not to lose one piece.

Kara faces my chair away from the mirror and begins to cut and shape it into a masterpiece only she could have accomplished. Thank You!
On my drive home, I wonder, "what will Eric think?" I noticed I had about 15 missed calls from him. When I got home, he hugged me and told me I was beautiful. He told me everything I needed to hear and then more.

I have had a day now to get a grip. I am so thankful for my sisters who build me up when I need an extra boost I love them so much, our lives have been full of trial and testing, but through it all, we have each other, I am forever grateful to good friends who see only the good in others, and who I am honored to be with and count among Eternal Friends. My daughters are my strength, and I will never know how much a mother loves until they have their own children someday....soon for Kayla. My son builds my testimony every day as I pray for him and ask the Lord to bless and watch over him. Lastly, I love my husband, who is my rock; he gives me much more than I ever give to him, and he knows what I think before I think it, which is kind of scary for him, I'm sure.

I want to go back to something I was feeling yesterday. I realize that being sad, mad, depressed, upset, and all the emotions in dealing with trials are expected. However, Satan wants us to feel vulnerable; he wants us to feel like we are not in control of our own destiny or life. I recently studied and realized how Satan wants us to run and hide when things go wrong. He wants us to hide and bring others down with us, kind of like misery loves company when we allow ourselves to be in his power; it seems we become unhappy and controlled. I am so happy that I know the good from the evil, and I can pull myself out when I feel the weight of the world coming down on me.

Fighting The Villain

Okay, so many people are asking about the chemo treatments and how they went for me, I am sorry I cannot get back to all of you personally, but I just took some meds so I can give you a few minutes an update. 

 BEWARE: if you don't want to hear the truth, do not read this. I use this blog as a journal, and I apologize if I offend anyone.

Chemo was actually not too bad; I had some distractions. I imagined a battle between chemo and The VILLAIN if you read my last blog. The actual chemo med is bright red and comes out of my body the same bright red. I was told not to let anyone use the same bathroom because it is so toxic that I need to flush twice. Monday night, I felt exhausted and weak and urinated red. I never knew pee could look so pretty !!! OK, sorry, but that is the only funny thing about this.

The day after Chemo, I have to go back to Mayo for a Neulasta shot. This shot is to keep the white blood cells growing. When a person goes through chemo, it takes all your cells and kills them, including the good ones that you need. So the Neulasta helps to replace them. 

They informed me that my bones and muscles may ache but that some people do not experience it. I knew when I left Mayo I would be the one who would not feel the pain of the bones and muscles...again, I am referring back to my hard cardio workouts.....WRONG...this morning, I woke up with aches and pains that I never have felt before. Every muscle in my body hurts; I take the meds, and it goes away, but then I sleep.

Since there are only 3 bathrooms in the house, I got my private one (Blake's). I spent a lot of time in the private bathroom today. I do not want to eat anything. Tamy came over today and brought me a smoothie from Tropical Smoothie, but it tasted like metal. She gave me some rice with veggies and chicken for lunch to get some good protein. However, did not last in my system. Everything is coming out, purging from top to bottom. I spent the entire day on the sofa sleeping or puking and having diarrhea. 

I love Tamy Scheurn. She just laid on the sofa with me, blogging in her online blog journal and watching me sleep. When I woke up the last time, Kayla and Jeremy were here, and Tamy was gone. She informed them about my medication and told Kayla to get pasta for dinner. I ate a few bites, so far so good.

I am ticked off at all the times I heard from people that chemo would be a breeze; it is different for everyone; I am not one of the lucky ones it looks like.
However, I know this is the beginning of the end; I am going to get through this, I am going to fully heal, and I am going to never take my life or anyone in it again. I have the highest respect and love for those who have gone through this before and the people who are the caregivers of VILLAIN patients. I don't think people realize how hard it is on them; my family has to watch and listen to me sick and cannot do a thing about it, I love you all so much, and I am sorry you are experiencing pain in your life also as you watch The VILLAIN fight with me.

LABELS: CANCER, CHEMO, JOURNALING, TAMY 

1st Day Of Chemo

 

Tamy will be my chemo buddy today. She gave me the cozy pink blanket to keep me warm during chemo today.

Today is Monday, November 16th; I woke up feeling OK, not quite awake and ready for today. When Tamy arrived to pick me up, I started to get anxious; the tears would not stop as my husband hugged me and reassured me that I would be OK. For some reason, those words "you will be OK" are not helping me today. I am so mad, throwing everything in my purse as hard as I could, I kept saying over and over, "I don't want to go, I just don't want to make this" tears rolling down my face, "I am serious I don't want to go today" With every hesitant step, I take towards the car I feel my body, heart, and mind fighting me. Tamy says a prayer when we get in the car. It helps me to feel some bit of relief. 
We are introduced to our chemo suite, where we will be sitting for the day. Heather is my nurse. She comes in to access my port, "take a deep breath when I count to 3."

"1,2,3" the needle goes in, and the port is now accessed. Yes, there was some slight pain but nothing more than a needle stick. Now comes the meds; Heather explains each chemo medicine they will be using today. The 1st med that goes into the IV is bright red and very toxic. I can feel its warm poison spread throughout my body. I imagine the men I love in my life entering the port and together searching for The VILLAIN to kill. Eric enters first. He is cautious and reserved as he makes sure the coast is clear; he then motions for Blake, Jeremy, and Brian to enter, and together they fight the battle of their lives, knowing it's going to be a long day and the war will not be won for months. Today I start the beginning of a long journey towards winning the battle, it's hard, and I hate every step of it.