The Wizard of Oz

 Dear Frenchie,

Besides our magical first trip to Paris together, Weslie and I just returned from the second most wonderful trip I’ve ever taken. You know how much I’ve always loved The Wizard of Oz—and Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I remember telling you I wanted that song sung at my funeral. You wrinkled your nose and dismissed the idea completely. Now that you’re gone, I suppose I get to make the decisions for my own funeral party.

This time, Weslie and I headed to Las Vegas for the weekend. We stayed at the MGM Grand, and the room was beautiful—comfortable, calm, and just right. On Saturday morning, we went to see The Wizard of Oz at the Sphere. I had no idea what I’d bought when I purchased the tickets, but imagine my surprise when we discovered we had VIP seats. We were escorted into a private lounge with unlimited food and drinks. You would have loved that part—and I would have loved seeing your face when you realized it was all included.

We were given a beautiful poster and $50 to spend at the merchandise shop. Of course, I handed the money straight to Weslie. She chose the softest Wizard of Oz sweatshirt, and I picked one too—There’s No Place Like Home. Something I know you would’ve happily bought for both of us.

Our seats were perfect—front and center, Section 206, with no one in front of us. I’ll admit, it was worth every dime. I know you wouldn’t have spent that kind of money… but if you’d seen what we saw, I think you might have changed your mind.

When the screen opened up, Weslie gasped. The screen wrapped completely around us, alive with movement and color. It was interactive, immersive, and breathtaking. There was never a moment when either of us looked away. Watching Weslie experience it for the first time reminded me of being a little girl, seeing the movie change from black and white to color on our bulky television with rabbit ears—too heavy for the stand it sat on. I remember wondering how color could possibly appear like that. It felt like magic.

When the tornado came. Frenchie, it felt like we were inside it. The wind blew through our hair, leaves flew all around us, and our seats actually moved.  And then Dorothy sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I cried—just a little. When the Wicked Witch threw fireballs at the scarcrow big bolts of fire shot towards us. When the monkeys appeared, they flew all around us. It was astonishing—truly the most wonderful show I’ve ever seen.

Weslie loved it so much that she asked me to play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" over and over again. She wants to memorize it.

These are the moments you and I were supposed to share with our grandchildren. I promise you—I will continue to prioritize them. I want them to have good memories of me while I’m still here. That’s what life is really about: sharing joy, creating memories, and loving each other well.

Some days are harder than others. Haleigh still won’t speak to me. It’s been a year and a half since I last saw Ellis and Sena. My heart breaks over it. Blake says it’s her pride, but I still don’t understand what I’ve done to cause the distance. All I can do is pray that her heart softens. I don’t want to leave this world knowing she carries regrets—because you and I both know she would.

I miss you every day. Sometimes at night, I sit outside and imagine you looking down at me with that familiar grin. It brings me comfort.

I love you, babe.
Always have. Always will.
Until we meet again—
Good night.

Long Summer

Hey Babe,

It’s been a long and hot summer — the kind I always said was treacherous and unforgiving here in Arizona. I remember how much you liked it, how you said there was something about that heat that felt alive and real. I, on the other hand… not so much. I dread these summer months, and this one has been no different.

I still think about you every day — almost every minute. I wonder if that will ever go away. Life without you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. I still find myself glancing at the clock around 6:30 pm, wondering when you’ll be coming home. I thought moving away from the house we'd lived in for so long would help, but it hasn’t. Every night, I stand at the window in our new home and watch the sun set, and I find myself wondering if you see sunsets like this, too. I suppose not… but thinking about how much you loved an Arizona sunset gives me a few moments of peace.

I don’t love this new home — not the way I thought I would. Living in Reserve reminds me so much of you, and I’m right next to the model where you used to work. Everywhere I look, there are memories — the furniture, the rooms, the quiet. Changing homes, changing wards, changing routines… It’s been harder than I ever imagined. I get very lonely. Besides Kayla, I rarely hear from our children. Being without you is so much worse.

When this happened before — when I missed the kids and the grandchildren — at least I knew I had you to lean on. You were my support. You were my safe place. I had friends in our old Ward I could call on, people who knew us, who knew how to help, who could give me a blessing if I needed it. Here, it’s different. I pray a lot for relief. I ask Heavenly Father for peace and strength… and sometimes I feel it, like a soft whisper that carries me through the day.

Our sweet Kayla is going through a tough time right now. Her world feels like it’s being pulled apart, and it breaks my heart. Jeremy is not the man we thought he was when we welcomed him into our family. I wish I had talked to her more when she was distant, when she needed a little more of me. I’m not always sure how to help, but I pray that she and Jeremy make the best decisions for their boys. I talk to her several times a week, and it hurts to hear what she’s enduring. I just want her to be happy and safe.

I love you, babe — more than words can fully express.

Love,
Monya

The Day the Silence Spoke Back

 

Dear Frenchie,

There was a time I believed that once someone passed, they were simply gone—out of reach, out of touch, out of time. The physical pain of your absence has been unbearably hard. The silence I’ve felt is so loud, it hurts.

But then something changed.

Slowly, quietly, profoundly—I began to hear you. To feel you with me.

It didn’t happen all at once. It started with a whisper of intuition, a warmth in a room where I stood alone, a flicker of a memory that came alive in real time. I thought I was imagining it—but I desperately wanted it to be real. Over time, those feelings returned, again and again, with clarity, with power, and with love.

Grief has cracked me wide open. And in that open space, your spirit found room to enter my heart and soul. Thank you for that.

I’ve realized that spirits don’t always come with flashing lights or dramatic signs. Often, it’s subtle. It’s the beautiful sunsets and the wondrous sunrises I now love to wake up to.
It’s the song that plays when I’m thinking of you.
It’s the memory of you learning the Stanky Leg and how happy that made you.
It’s the feather on my doorstep or the ladybugs that continue to show up.
The dream that felt more like a visit than a vision.
It’s the way my body chills just before a wave of peace washes over me.

The more I’ve leaned into trust, the stronger the connection has grown. I began talking to you—first out loud, then in thought, and sometimes just through tears. And always, you responded—in your own way, not in words, but in presence. A presence so unmistakable, I can only call it sacred.

I’ve come to understand: love doesn’t die. Energy doesn’t end. And your spirit hasn’t abandoned me. Quite the opposite—you have stepped into my heart and reassured me that you are with me anytime I need to tap into that spirit.

Because of your visits, I’ve learned to stop and enjoy the small things—like you did during that year and a half before you passed away. My awareness is palpable. Strikingly overwhelming at times, but I am grateful for the continued lessons I’m learning about you.

I’ve learned to meditate by sitting in the silence, breathing air into my lungs, and feeling your presence wrap around me like a soft embrace. I only remember the good times we shared. I don’t take your presence lightly—it is profound.

Our loved ones are not “lost.” They are transformed. They walk with us, whisper to us, and when we get quiet enough to listen, they answer.

Your mom did that with me after she passed—her first visit was when I had to be resuscitated during a very long and dangerous surgery. It only lasted a few minutes, but what took place with her seemed like much longer. When I opened my eyes, I was in Heaven. Your mom was there, holding her arms out, wanting me to run into them—and I did. Her eyes were as blue as I remembered, like the Caribbean Sea. She told me Heavenly Father had asked her to visit with me, and she instructed me about three things I still needed to do here on earth.

On that visit, your dad was there too. I hugged him and felt the strength of his embrace. I told him I didn’t want to go back—that my life was too hard. He didn’t hesitate. He waved his hand to his left and said, “Do you see those children playing? Those are your grandchildren, and they need your influence and example in their lives. Now it is time for you to return to your life on earth.”

Then he looked at your mother and said something I later found peculiar: “It’s time for Monya to go back to her life on earth, and it’s time for you and I to get back to work.” Get back to work? What did that mean? I had so many questions as I tried to make sense of what had happened to me that day.

The second time your mother appeared to me was in a dream. We walked through a beautiful garden as she explained one of her “jobs” in Heaven: she oversaw it. She asked me about you, whether you were treating me with love and respect, just as Ray had treated her. She asked if I was happy. We talked about spiritual things, and I remembered why I loved her so much. She still visits me in my dreams.

I felt it when my brother, Lance, passed away. I carried shame and guilt, wondering if I had taken him to the hospital that night instead of worrying about him keeping me awake, could I have saved him?

But when Lance visited me not long after his death, he placed his hand on mine as I prayed about him. I reveled in those moments, eyes closed, listening as he spoke. I heard him as if he were alive and standing beside me. He said:

"Monya, my death is not your fault. It was my time to go, and I am happy. Now it’s time for you to move out of Mom and Dad’s house and start living. Go and enjoy your new life with Eric—he is a good person."

And then he was gone.

When Jami was diagnosed with breast cancer, I knew I needed to visit her—but I didn’t. I felt uncomfortable. How could I face someone I loved so much, someone who had already suffered so deeply?

After her death, I punished myself with guilt for not going to her. That pain became even harder to bear when I was diagnosed with breast cancer myself.

But I began to pray about Jami, and the spirit I felt was hers. She assured me she knew I loved her—and she understood why I didn’t come. She told me that now, having received the same diagnosis, I would appreciate it. She reminded me to focus on the fight ahead. She told me I would be blessed through the process and that Heavenly Father would never leave my side.

She was right. I didn’t waste energy worrying about who came to visit or who said the wrong things. I gave grace—because I remembered how I felt with Jami. And when I told you that story, you were mesmerized. You asked why you’d never had experiences like that.

I’ll never forget what I said:
I told you that you didn’t need the reassurance like I did. You were raised in a very different environment from mine.

For me, those spiritual encounters kept me grounded, alive, conscious. They carried me when I felt I couldn’t go on. It wasn’t always easy—in fact, it was humiliating at times—but I made it through.

And finally, there was Black Rock Beach.

The Lord allowed you to visit me in the very place where you took your last breath. I believe He escorted you there and left us to share sacred time together.

You told me you saw me on the beach that day—you knew I would never be the same again. You told me about where you are. You said you are so happy that where you are, there are no negative feelings or thoughts. You said Heaven is real—it’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen. Then you shared your spiritual connection with Heaven and the life you now have. It was the first time I had ever seen you in this light, and it was so refreshing.

You told me you were excited to be allowed to visit me. And that I have a gift—a gift to feel the spirits of those we love who have passed.

You told me you knew you couldn’t help me any other way—but visiting me was enough. It was everything. You shared your love for the Lord and assured me He lives and loves us all. Those spiritual thoughts you shared with me are my favorite—because I had never heard you speak with such intention.

I know now, without a doubt, that there is life after death. And I can tune in to those feelings when needed. I didn’t want our moment to end. But when it did, I looked at my watch, stunned that we had spent four hours together.

I treasure your love and your presence in my life. I feel you often. And I am eternally grateful to Heavenly Father for that day on the beach—and for the life we shared.

As rocky as the beginning of our marriage was, I will always be proud of us—of our grit and determination to keep going. The world said we were a statistic, that we’d never make it. But we did. And we both know we had a beautiful love story. It is more evident to me now how much you love me.

Thank you for loving me the way you have, and for continuing to show me your beautiful, vulnerable heart. I love this part of you.

Now, when I feel that gentle tug in my soul—or the warmth over my entire body—I no longer wonder. I know.

I am a special daughter of God, protected and guided by the spirits of those who love me.

I am not alone.
I never was.
And neither are you.

I am in love with our eternal companionship.

I love you. And I look forward to seeing you again.

Love,
Me, your cute wifey

Christmas 2024

 

Frenchie,

You’ve been gone for ten months now. This is our first Christmas without you.

Last night, all I could think about was how many times I drove with you on Christmas Eve to get gift cards for the kids. You loved Christmas — it was always such a big part of our children’s lives. Now, looking back on all those years, I want to establish traditions that our children and grandchildren will remember long after I am gone to be with you. I’m not very good at traditions… well, at coming up with them — so I’ll have to ask around for help.

I woke up this morning and looked at your face on the pillow, whispering a quiet Merry Christmas. I took a shower and got ready for the day, but this year I didn’t put much effort into decorating. It didn’t seem right without you. Honestly… nothing seems right without you. I’m still trying to process the fact that you are gone — and the terribly tragic moment on that beach when I watched you leave me. The nightmares are still unbearable.

This Christmas was very quiet. None of the kids came over. I drove by Blake and Chloe’s home… and then by Kaitlyn and Brian’s. But I didn’t stay. It hurts to think that our grandchildren will not know you — the laughter you brought, the joy you added to this family, especially on Christmas Day. Thank you for all the years and Christmases we spent together; they truly were magical.

Dr. Lettieri called me today to check on me. I thought that was really sweet of him — a kindness I didn’t expect, but one that warmed my heart.

I found myself thinking about that Kathy Lee watch. I teased you so much when I opened it, knowing exactly where you bought it — Walmart, the night before Christmas — with Mike Scow by your side, hunting for anything that would make Jenny and me happy. I still have that watch, still in the box it came in. You swore up and down it wasn’t from Walmart, but we both knew the truth. We got so many laughs out of that moment, and you were always such a good sport when I teased you.

I keep thinking about Christmases past — and I cannot think of one that wasn’t full of fun and joy because Christmas meant so much to you. I remember our first Christmas after we were married. We had Kayla and Blake. They were so little, but you made sure Kayla felt extra special that day. Blake was only a few months old, so we knew he wouldn’t remember — and I’m sure Kayla doesn’t either — but you bought her a little doll, and she loved it.

I was alone most of the day, and I was okay with that… until it got dark. Because then I knew I would be walking up those stairs to bed alone. And now I’m sitting on our bed, looking at your pillow and wondering what you’re doing today, where you are, who you are with. I wish I knew exactly what happens after death… all I know for sure is that I will see you again. The covenants we made in the Temple — the promises we made to each other — will make every moment of this loneliness worth it. Eternity with you sounds perfect.

I love you so much.

Merry Christmas, Babe.
Love,
Monya

One of those Days

Dear Frenchie

I had to return Amazon stuff to the UPS store on Higley today. I think I have returned everything I ordered from Amazon since you passed away. I've lost so much weight when I went to see Dr. Howard; she told me I weighed 110 pounds. No wonder nothing fits me. I'm the same size I was when I met you. Cooking for two was hard, and now cooking for one is next to impossible; luckily, I don't get hungry. Dr. Howard said the least amount of weight I should have is 126 pounds. I don't know what else to do; I eat 42 grams of protein daily and a bowl of ice cream every night. Remember when I told you how thin I was in High School? At graduation, I only weighed 96 pounds. I can't get that low; I'm trying so hard to gain weight  I think I should set the alarm to remind me to eat like my mom did when I was a teenager.

Today, I was full of emotions. I was sad and regretful, which is something I try not to be. I'll talk to you about that in another letter. The strongest emotion I felt today was being mad. I drove up to UPS for the returns and sat in my car to watch this man. He must have weighed 500 pounds and could hardly walk; his son took everything in for him. I stared at this man for at least five minutes, wondering why? Why is he allowed to live? I know I shouldn't judge him, but it is so unhealthy for him I wanted to go shake him into the real world. I wanted to tell him it's a matter of time before he dies of a heart attack.

I started to ugly cry in my Jeep, watching him, and his son was not far behind him in weight. I miss you. It's not fair; you worked so hard to lose weight, and you drank that green drink every morning, the pomegranate juice, those immune drinks, and don't forget the beets, all of course from COSTCO:) You walked 10,000 steps, and for once in your life, you were truly happy. We fell in love all over again ... we had plans ... I don't understand why God would want you to leave me? ... To leave your grandchildren? ...This f'ing sucks. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do this. You've always been my lighthouse, the one who led me home. I don't have you anymore, and my heart is broken. I'm sorry; it has just been one of those days where everything I see around me has been a trigger. I love you, sweetheart, goodnight. I'll be back tomorrow and hopefully in a better mood.

The Love of a Child

I have to tell my heart to beat again; I'm not sure I know how to do that without Frenchie. I love him so much. Getting used to being alone in this house is really hard. 

The evenings are the hardest. Eric and I used to kneel and pray every night together, and now he's gone, and I have to do this alone. This is the first time in my life that I have questioned my faith in God. It scares me. I cry all the time, I don't know if this is normal or not, but I'm feeling very alone. I can't ask God to return him; it hurts so bad that I wish I knew what to do.

Today, Blake, Haleigh, Brian, and I met with an attorney, Brian Holm. He wanted to talk to me alone first. I don't understand anything being said. It sounds like a Charlie Brown scene with the teacher talking, but Charlie only hears a garbled noise. I know the other side of fear is believing in myself and trusting in what I've been taught. Out of everything I've been through, this is by far the hardest. I just need to go through, feel, hate, be confused and believe I will see him again. 

When I was done listening to what the attorney said, we entered a conference room, and my children came inside. We all took our seats, and I began to ask questions. He answered every question. Then, my children asked questions, but my children already knew a lot of what he was trying to teach me. Wills, living wills, estate planning ...? I'm not supposed to know this stuff. I was going to die before Eric, and I don't care about his money, and what I own now is not anything I'm thinking about. My children are the only absolutes that I know; they are amazing. They are graceful; I could not have gotten through this meeting without them.

I told the attorney I was there to set up my will and trust for my children; this was the only way I could see honoring their dad, and I didn't want any confusion or hurt feelings with my children. I broke down and cried a little; it was so comforting to have Haleigh and Blake on both sides of me. They put their hands on my shoulders, and it felt so good. I have the best children on earth, of course, I've always been proud of them, but this is so hard on them, and they are trying to comfort me? I feel like, as their mother, I should cry alone so they don't see my weakness. The tears release my pain; if I have to dry my eyes and wipe my cheeks every day of the year, I will. This is not going away. 

After we finished with the attorney, Brian took me home. Easter is on Sunday, and I am not prepared, so I went to Target and got a few little things for my grandchildren. I also stopped by Kaitlyn's to give Flo her birthday present—a cute stuffed bunny. Archer and Phoenix opened the door; they were so sweet. I've missed them, and I'll take any little bit of love I can get from all of them right now. Florence came running to me ... "Bonbon is here," and she hugged me as I handed her the bunny. Phoenix approached her and said, "Florence, now you have more to add to your bunny collection." How sweet of him. Florence was a tender mercy I needed today. Holding her in my arms is a gift I will always treasure. She loved her Papa and said he was her best friend. It's always amazing to me how the spirit of children is so pure and authentic.

Disney On Ice

     Chloe and Blake gave me tickets for Christmas to take Weslie to Disney on Ice for my birthday. Weslie and I talked the entire way to the stadium and were very excited about the show. We arrived early and were able to get a really great parking spot. We found where we were supposed to sit, then went out to the vendors for yummy food, drinks, and, of course, to buy a souvenir for Weslie. She is so sweet and asked if we could get something for Zeek. I already had that idea in mind, but when Weslie said, "I would rather get something for Zeek if you don't have enough money." My heart ... oh my heart!! I love this little girl. She is so polite and kind, and she is only seven years old, far older in maturity than seven years old. I also noticed she saved half of everything we ordered for treats and saved them for Zeek. He had popcorn, half a churro, half of her cotton candy, and a souvenir.

    I loved watching Weslie as the Characters came onto the ice; she was so wide-eyed and excited that it warmed my heart. She sang along to the music and announced the characters' names as they entered the ice. Weslie is so sweet. I loved every second with her.

                                            

New Baby Boy (Phoenix)

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2014

New Baby Boy
What is up with all this modern technology?  3D ultrasounds? When my baby girl, who's having this baby boy was in my tummy--we had an ultrasound too, it sure didn't look like this though. It showed us Kaitlyn was going to be a boy, I don't think those mistakes happen much these days.  I am so happy for Kaitlyn and Brian; they have been married for over 5 years now.  Brian has worked hard going to school full time--ASU graduate in May--perfect timing to take over Daddy daycare...?

He looks just like Brian

Especially with this smirk on his face--BRIAN

It's interesting as a parent to watch your own children grow up, fall in love, figure marriage out, and now have babies.  This little guy is arriving in February and will be our third grandson.  I have never in my life seen any girl happier about being pregnant .... Well except me, I loved being pregnant. Seriously though, Brian and Kaitlyn are so organized with the babies' room, diapers, etc.  They have no idea what is about to happen to their lives.

 The joy of parenting is indescribable, and I know they are going to be so much better at it than I ever was.  It's always been my dream that my children would raise a better generation than we did, hopefully with each generation it gets better and better.  I have no doubt this baby will be loved; our family is so excited that in just a couple short months this little guy will be all the attention.  When I look at these pictures I'm so emotionally attached to knowing where he is coming from--a perfect, peaceful, loving place, and as much as we want him to feel what he is feeling right now as he prepares to say goodbye to his great Grandad, Da Wi, cousins, and siblings he will enter this world perfect, but along the way make some mistakes.  My bonbon advice is "It's OK to make mistakes, we all do. The most important thing to learn about life is that you are loved, and it's not about how you start the race, it's all about how you end the race. Learn from every mistake, laugh it off, be happy, and share your knowledge with everyone, you are the brightest star in the sky, and I love you"

Huahine Island French Polynesia

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2013

Huahine Island French Polynesia

Thursday Day 8
Today we woke up in Huahine.  Eric was like a child waiting to open Christmas Presents, he woke up early--I was still sleepy, so he went for a walk and breakfast--however, breakfast was not ready. For Heaven's Sake it was five in the morning.  I don't think the sun was even up yet.  Oh, I forgot to mention we are now on a cruise for the remaining Islands we wanted to visit.  I finally opened my sleepy eyes prayed, got ready, ate breakfast, and made the second tender to the Island.  We decided to find our own tour guide instead of using the ship tours, they are twice or even three times more than what we could ask local people to do for us. 

We took a free shuttle into town and rented a car, not from a car company, Eric just went around asking locals if he could rent their car. A woman Eric found let us use her car and have it back by three.  We rented it for about $40 and she was so happy, the ship wanted $140 for the day. We went to a local store, picked up some baguettes and juice, and we were off to drive the entire Island. We saw blue eyed eels, & Tahitian ruins. We stopped along the way to take pictures of this beautiful place. On our journey we saw two senior missionaries sitting on the side of the road looking out into the ocean, we pulled over and Eric spoke to them in French. They have been on this Island for fourteen months, and they are the only missionaries on the Island. On this Island there is only four hundred members of the church, and two buildings, they invited us to Church on Sunday, but we told them we would be on a different Island, then sadly, they told us the church on that Island starts at 8 am and we will not be arriving to the Island until noon. They kissed us on each cheek and said goodbye.

At dinner tonight on the ship, we made a reservation to eat at the French restaurant.  I was not too impressed with the menu, Eric was extremely happy, he loved everything on the menu. We were laughing at the man next to our table who had ordered tartar and for those who do not know what that is---its raw hamburger meat with seasonings--sounds like a night hovering the toilet to me--We started to laugh because Eric said he knew the guy had no idea what he was about to eat, and the 1st bite he made a face we will never forget, then rudely we laughed until we cried, the waiter came and asked him if he like it, (remember he ate the entire plate out of respect) but had no problem saying when asked if he like it "No, not really"  We had a great time today, but I miss my kids.

One of the locals

The baguettes--We cant get enough

Senior Missionaries

LDS Church Building

one of the homes in the lagoon

Moorea Days 5,6 & 7

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2013

Moorea days 5, 6 & 7

Monday morning, woke up said my prayers no scriptures, I can't figure out how to read them on my phone--I like the books better--I like to mark them and return to read dates I have entered and remember what was happening in my life--I don't think you can do that on a phone--besides when Eric's dad passed away all the kids wanted his scriptures--so call me old fashioned but I'm stickin to the hard covers--ha ha--maybe a good excuse this time to not read on vacation--I thought I would be able to do it on my phone but after an hour I gave up--
Eric and I went to breakfast. There is no doubt I will be going on a crash diet when I get home, I have not eaten this much in 3 years.  I'm trying to eat all the fresh fruit possible, but it also has some aftereffects on my body.  I've decided there is most definitely a reason Tahitians are such large people--they eat, and they eat a lot.

Today we had no plans, we got our swimsuits on knowing we would be in water at some point. We then went to the activities center where we decided our activities for the day. The beach we wanted to go to is called Coco Beach and we soon found out it was closed today. So as Eric does what he does best, walking around talking to everyone, in whatever language he could, I sat in a lounge chair, hat on, listening to music and enjoying the scenery.  Soon Eric came back and said, "Monya come with me, hurry fast" my first thought was "oh boy, I'm in trouble when he is this excited it is usually something to scare me" I fear sharks, and snakes--good news there are no snakes on Tahiti Islands.  He had signed me up with a trainer to swim with a dolphin--seriously?  No WAY--I met with the trainer, and felt much better, it was a controlled environment, and these dolphins were raised in captivity, the only deciding factor for me was that I could see through the crystal-clear water and knew exactly what swimming around me would be. I was proud of myself, and I could see the smile on Eric's face as I entered the water with a dolphin, a real live dolphin. I played with him, touched him, swam with him, and even kissed him--it was incredible--I overcame an excessively big fear today.

Huge step in life for me---I never thought I had the courage

Isn't he cute?

Later we went to dinner at a small place called Snacks Mahala, I had fresh Maui Maui-I was not really impressed it was a little mushy for me.  Eric had fresh tuna with coconut milk & rice a traditional Tahitian meal, he said it was good, but honestly, I don't think Eric would ever say if it was bad. I did get a little sunburned today and I got a text from Dr. PK, he wanted to tell me in person, but didn't want to wait for someone else to tell me either--(Heather did) he got a couple of offers to work in North Carolina, he is leaving November 1st. My heart is broken, I will miss him, he will always be a part of my life, and I know he is doing what is best for his little family. I couldn't help but think about what a huge influence he has had in my life, helping not only get through my treatments with the Villain but in other ways I can never explain.  We will be forever friends no matter where he lives, he has a great family, we will just have to visit him and his family. I hope Heather goes with him, she needs a fresh start in her life, new surroundings, and her true love is waiting for her.

Tonight, when we got back to our bungalow to watch the sun go down, we were able to face time the kids and Eric's brother Kurt who served his mission in Tahiti.  It was fun sharing some of his memories, I've always had a special love for Kurt, he and his mom had a special bond.

Tuesday Day 6
Woke up to the beautiful sunrise and mesmerizing blue ocean, said my prayers, no scriptures but tried to read a little bit of the Miracle of Forgiveness online--still a chore for me.  Throughout the day, I pondered on the beauty of this place, how blessed I am to be here, not only because I work for the Airlines and it allows us to do these fun things together, but also to be alive, to be sharing memories my children will take with them when I am gone--this is why I write my journal and blog my thoughts--for them and my grand-kids and hopefully their grand kids.
Well today is going to be one that will go down in history--Eric signed us up for a boat ride to see the stingrays, I've done it once before with my children, didn't like it then and am not happy about it today. I know how much Eric loves the water and the sea life, so we went, I wanted him to have a wonderful experience.  I only like ocean water if I can see the bottom, I like to see what is lurking around my feet. Our tour guide today is Siki, he was born and raised here on this Island. He looks and talks like he is from Jamaica, we thoroughly enjoyed him and his humor. 

On this tour we had about twenty people on the boat, Siki was so good about explaining the history of the Island. When we arrived at the stingrays, Eric forgot to tell me there would also be sharks swimming around. There was NO WAY I was getting in that water. --Eric was one of the first to get in. I took a ton of pictures and he was having so much fun, but my heart was pounding because I knew he was going to encourage me with the help of Siki to enter the water and enjoy the moment--sure enough--they urged me inch my inch into the water--he took me by the hand, I was in shark infested waters--me, the one who swore "if I don't get in the ocean I won't get eaten" my entire body was in shock, I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack. I wondered why I didn't get warned to bring some Xanex. I have had to train my mind over the past couple of years to tune out the bad and focus on the good, in every situation. 

BAD-sharks swimming & surrounding me, we're not talking about a few there were 100's 

GOOD- I did it and I'm alive.

I got comfortable with the stingrays, I rubbed a piece of fish on its nose, and it would just follow gracefully through the water following me, but being a mother, I wanted to kiss him and rub his neck at the same time--

FACT--they have no neck, their mouth is where my finger went and he sucked it hard, I screamed out loud, it hurt-it was my fault, but it was enough for me, I got back in the boat.  We all got back in the boat and went to a secluded beach where Siki taught us how to make ceviche, grilled maui maui, grilled chicken, rice, pineapple, and coconut.  It was another wonderful day of exploration and breaking through some fears.

Tonight, Eric shared something with me, he said his mother was like me, afraid of the water, she too always waited to see the bottom. I smiled, I loved this that he shared with me, if there were any woman in the world, I would gladly have anything in common with-it would-be Viola Williams--I love her.

Me and the stingray--who sucked my finger

black tip sharks everywhere--Supposedly not dangerous

Me and Siki--he was proud of me

 

Last Sunset in Moorea

 Wednesday day 7
Today we must be gone from our bungalow by four. I miss my children and grandchildren so much. This morning Eric and I took a kayak out to where the sharks and stingrays were, he wanted to get one more look. It was a peaceful ride both in harmony with our ores as we synchronized them to make sure we were heading in the right direction; at one point we got caught on some coral and Eric had to get out of the Kayak and lift us out to help us get going in the right direction.  As I thought about that later, it is so much like life, sometimes even our marriage we have gotten off the path we are supposed to be on both wanting the same goal but both getting there in a different direction. The Lord lifts us and helps us to get back on track, so many times HE has helped me get back on track, if there is one sure thing I know, it is that Heavenly Father loves every one of his children, it brings great sorrow to him to see his children struggle. We sometimes forget the straight and narrow way can never be done without the help of the spirit constantly in our lives.  There have been times I have felt "Oh I really blew it this time,  all my chances of getting back on track are gone, I need more patience, I need to be more kind, compassionate and just a little more like HIM" I am so grateful we have chances to change, even the best of people make mistakes and need a hand or prayer to help get them back on the straight and narrow way--I pray I can be that person for someone I love, as I have felt it in my life from others who have lifted me up and comforted me even when they knew I was not where I needed to be spiritually in my life.

Beautiful Boy, Perfect Love

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2013

Beautiful Boy, Perfect Love

I simply adore this little boy. Recker is such a unique, special boy. Sometimes I wonder what is going through his beautiful little head. I watched him play with some of the children in his neighborhood yesterday from a distance. He was off alone in the corner by himself, then at one point, he heard one of the little girls talking to another little boy, Recker walked up and took the girl by the hand as if trying to get her to follow him, and she (like most children would do at her age) walked away from him. For just a slight moment, I could see this sadness on his face. He is starting to understand his limitations and what he cannot do. Soon, he will realize what he CAN do. We try to emphasize the CAN'S because there is a lot more he CAN do than he or we even realize.

  I want so desperately for the family to hear him just say something. Mom or dad would be preferable. He has now begun to wave goodbye to us. Once in a while, we can even get a little sound that we think is "bye-bye." When Blake counts ... one...two...three...jump ...we can usually hear him say when Blake gets to the two, Recker will say "twooey" it's so cute, we all jump for joy and have him do it over and over until he is fed up with it all, shakes his no. Off he goes to a new adventure much cooler than us.

He loves his daddy !!

Precious baby boy born 12-14-2009

Really? another picture? I'm barely awake.

I'm never getting out of the tub

bright eyes

just cuteness

fresh out of the tub

On 1st day of pre-school

helping bonbon get through a tough day

team bonbon--my biggest supporter

loves the OCEAN, OH AND OTTER POPS

YALE

uncle blake gets home from his mission

being an outside boy

Christmas 2012

  This little boy's heart is bursting with LOVE to be shared--Although he keeps it bundled up and sealed for special people in his life--I know he loves and feels Love. Recker has helped me understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of His children. We may not always understand THE PLAN, but if we let the process happen and listen for the spirit to teach us, we can hear the Love, especially the beautiful Love this boy has to offer.

• 
  

  
  

Jeremy Roussel

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 8, 2013

Jeremy Roussel

Meet my son-in-law, Jeremy. He is kind, gentle, and the best father.  Jeremy is married to my oldest daughter Kayla. This week will be their fifth wedding anniversary. When Eric and I first met JJ, we knew from the first date that he was a good man. He comes from a family of 9 children. His mother and father raised him to work hard and taught him how to treat a woman with respect. I have never had to bring in my groceries from the car when he is around. He always opens the door for me. Without a doubt, he always gives the biggest bear hugs to anyone who enters our home. He has a contagious laugh. When Jeremy starts to laugh, EVERYONE in the room laughs, not necessarily because of what is being said or done. Most of the time, we don't even know why we are laughing. We all laugh because he is so happy. His laugh makes us all happy, sometimes to the point of tears.

I love it when Jeremy comes to the house. He usually looks at me and either say, "what's up tuts?" or "Hey Monya, guess what?" Then I say "what," and he says, "I love you," he gets me all the time.

Jeremy is a peacemaker in our home. He loves and protects us all. He profoundly loves Kayla, Recker, and Ezra. He has a sister who is mentally disabled and being raised with her has given Jeremy the ability to show unconditional love to everyone he meets. Recker, oh my gosh, Recker just loves his daddy. When Jeremy comes in the room, Recker runs, hugs, and kisses him, then leads him with his hand to the door--he knows daddy will take him outside to play, throw a ball, jump the trampoline, swim in the pool, or just sit and watch Recker be Recker--I LOVE THIS ABILITY IN JEREMY--

I have been so blessed to have Jeremy as a son-in-law, he was here through my entire cancer process, and with deep caring and compassion in his heart, he helped care for me when I needed it the most.
Thank you for being a hard worker,  providing for your family, being gentle and kind to me, and especially for helping to bring these two unique spirits into the world--my grandbabies, Recker and Ezra, will carry on your Roussel name and be proud of who their daddy is, and was, long after you are old and grey and have left this mortal life--your name will be praised by your children and family--We love you.

Ezra Ray Was Blessed Today

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 14, 2013

Ezra Ray Was Blessed Today

Kaitlyn asked, "Mom is it weird to see your grandchildren, knowing that your own children created them?"  Oh, yes, it is weird. Well, odd is not the appropriate word. It is a beautiful blessing to the circle of life our Heavenly Father has taught us as a perfect circle of love. I believe our family will be together forever, so it brings great peace to my heart knowing if I live righteously and obey the Lord's commandments, I will live with these wonderful people forever. I am thankful for the families with whom my children have joined. They have taught their children the importance of believing in Jesus Christ and the power of the Atonement.

Today Ezra was blessed and given a name on which Ezra Ray Roussel will be known in the records of the church he will be known. I have listened to many blessings given to babies, but today as Jeremy blessed this sweet baby, no words connected with me more than his. He blessed Ezra to be a strength to his older brother Recker, blessed him to watch over Recker and teach him. It will be a blessing to have a brother for Recker. Already we see this connection between the two of them. Recker is exceptionally soft and gentle with Ezra; I think Recker has patiently been waiting for Ezra to join us; Recker has been trying desperately to communicate with his sounds, making them into words, concentrating on each sound.

I so look forward to more grandbabies joining our family. I sincerely hope my children will take traditions and values from both their families to incorporate the best possible family values for themselves--I already know they will be far better parents than Eric and I have been and will instill in their children a more robust, healthier bond--this is the traditions of the fathers, for each generation to be better than the last--the best has been saved for the end. I move into a new journey and phase of life, a bit hesitant to live up to the task as a grandmother worthy of these beautiful spirits HE entrusted us with, and a bit relieved knowing my children will be so much better than I ever was.

Speaking Without Words

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 2013

Speaking without Words

My sweet grandson Recker has moderate to severe autism. He is non-verbal. This baby boy was born into a family who loves him unconditionally; he has a special place in my heart. If not for him, I remember a day while I was going through my chemo treatments that he was an infant and would lay with me on my bed. Keeping me from literally wanting to end my life, so profoundly in depression and pain, all I had to do was kneel and pray, get back in bed and look at his little face. Then I knew I could get through one more day. Now I understand why the Lord answered my prayers so many times. I have some refining to do in my life to live eternally with this sweet little guy.

He was diagnosed at a really early age of 16 months. We still have to hear him say, "mom or dad" I can't imagine how hard this must be for Jeremy and Kayla, but there are times when he will look at me in the eyes, those piercing blue eyes starring intensely I know he is trying to tell me something. As badly as I want to hear him speak, I also believe he knows so much. The veil is so thin for him still. Before Ezra was born, he would stop in his tracks, look up on a shelf in my kitchen, and smile or jabber in Recker language as if he were talking to someone. Every time he did this, my heart would melt.

Recently, a person said to me, "You must be so disappointed"  I have thought of this statement quite a bit because, for one, not once have I been disappointed, that word has never crossed my mind, not even for a nanosecond, and for two I feel so blessed to know that my Heavenly Father has entrusted my daughter and her husband with such a beautiful soul, he is perfect in every way, we continually learn from him. I realize some people do not understand the behavior of an autistic child, and patience comes with raising a child with special needs. Without this opportunity, I would have probably never taken the time to learn more about just how special he is.

I don't have harsh feelings for those who do not understand, who judge and wonder why we cannot control his behavior or his ticks and noises; I wish I had an answer for those people; I don't understand either--but I am trying to understand, I am learning that speaking without words is something we all should learn to do--a smile can mean everything to a person, a hug can save a life, a note of encouragement can help self-confidence--yes I believe speaking without words is having FAITH in a higher being--Faith that HE has a plan, a plan for each of us, especially for those who cannot speak for themselves.

I love you, Recker Jay--you will forever be in my heart.

XOXO Bon Bon