Careful what you wish for

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2011

Careful what you wish for

I dream about running in a marathon--sounds crazy, I know, but I do, and I have for years. I have always been an athlete. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was training for my 1st marathon--it was so hard not only to get the diagnosis but to give up running, cycling, kickboxing, and lifting weights. Tonight I went to a kickboxing class--and it kicked my butt. At one point, I seriously thought I was going to throw up. 

The funny thing about this story is as we were cooling down, I listened to the words to the song that was playing--it said, "Be careful what you wish for; it just might come true." I got the biggest smile on my face--my body was allowing me to do what I never thought I would be able to do again. I'm not sure I will ever be able to do push-ups like I used to with the lymph nodes being gone; it was excruciating. I did what I could (not much). Tonight, I'm grateful.

DAMN VILLIAN

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2010

DANG VILLAIN

Today, my oncologist diagnosed me with the 1st stages of Osteoporosis and arthritis in my lower back. WOW, I did not see that one coming; I should have; it seems that everything they have told me I "might" get, I have gotten. I really don't know whether to scream or cry...... well actually, I did allow myself to call a little tonight on my way to work, and it felt good. Eric is out of town, so I don't have anyone to cry with....haha ok, enough of the pity party; I'm good now its been a few hours, and I can breathe.

I was excited to see the doctor today because I wanted to see if the labs would show how hard I have been working on not eating sugar, flour, or processed foods ... the surprise is he didn't say one thing about that except that "oh you've lost some weight" I thought "seriously? .... that's it? that's all he has to say about that? who cares about my weight what about the fact that I have been in deprivation of sugar for 4 months?" (except for that little trip to Paris .... I didn't tell him about that)
I knew right away that things were not going good when he said, "so, young lady, really, how have you been feeling?" it really wasn't about what he said but more of how he said it that made me feel like some bad news was coming down the pike. I told him the usual stuff, my lower back sometimes hurts, that my legs and hips hurt all the time, making it difficult to exercise and that my fingers go numb once in a while. Also, my lymphodema acts up. My arm swells up, especially now that I am on the computer at work for long periods, and let's not forget about Mr. Hotflash. Dr. Northfelt said in his low doctor voice, "we need to go over your labs"  I just knew the bad news was on the tip of his tongue, and it finally did. He showed me the x-rays, which are now clear and precise pictures of my spine, back, and bones. He explains that the pain in my hips and legs is partly because of the neuropathy I got during chemo. Still, we have a new problem, Osteoporosis caused by the Arimidex I'm taking, something I was told today I will be on indefinitely for the rest of my life. The Arthritis in my lower back was caused by the Chemo Treatments I received. DANG DANG DANG VILLAIN, I seriously don't despise you!!!!

He told me how sorry he was to tell me this because he knows I am working so hard to do everything possible to not recurrence and be such a good patient. He told me about a patient he had just met with who is diabetic and has cancer but who refuses to know her insulin counts. "I will probably be stuck with this patient for 30 years, continuing to tell her what to do to save her life, and she won't take one suggestion. I have you who do more than I suggest you do, and you are faced with another hurdle. I wanted to say, "you're right, so what do we do about it?" but I didn't. I just stared at him with some stupid look on my face.... he was sitting right in front of me, and I was seriously tempted to kick him.... hard.

Just once, I want to go to Mayo Clinic and get some good news ..... it will come, right? I can't tell if the VILLAIN is winning or if I am winning anymore. The Arimidex blocks estrogen and is precisely what stage 3 CANCER patients take to HELP them survive for many years, but on the flip side, I guess patients have to live with the sometimes consequences. Damn, VILLAIN, I hope this does not keep me from being able to do everything on my bucket list... Dr. Northfelt said within 10 years, I will be IN FULL BLOOM of OSTEOPOROSIS ..... I want to serve a mission with Eric; I want to run a marathon. How can I do these things if I am crippled? It just testifies to me more that I need to get everything done in my life that I want to do as fast as possible to create memories for those I love. I'm still planning on training for that marathon next year. Blessings will come; I just have to remember, if not in this life, they will come in the next as long as I embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

POSTED BY UNKNOWN AT 9:12 PM 2 COMMENTS 

It's all about timing.

FRIDAY, JULY 30, 2010

It's all about timing.

On Wednesday, my visit with the doctor paid off in the sleep category. I've slept two nights in a row. I don't want to rely on drugs to help me sleep again; that was a nightmare to get myself off of those.... however last night, I dreamed of running again. My son-in-law Brian was my trainer (hee hee), and I have to say, in my dream, he was a good trainer and pushed me hard. He was a meanie !!! Funny that I dream of running again; starting is always the most challenging part. 

I've been a runner my whole life. Long-distance never bothered me; in fact, it was my therapy. I've run 5Ks and10Ks for fun. Before I was diagnosed, I ran my first 10 miles run on the beach in Mexico. I was training for a lifetime dream of running a Marathon. I was registered for a Half Marathon to run in October of 2009.

When that day came and went, I mourned it, I had worked so hard and felt like I was going to finish something I started for once in my life. Now I can think of it again; my plan is to run in October of 2011. My son Blake will be home from his mission, and he asked me to not run it until he gets home; it's perfect timing. I won't be ready until then anyway. I'm hoping to start running again in January; if all goes well with my next surgery and recovery, it should be a perfect time, anyone want to join me?

The good Lord has a way of making my mournings and difficult times work themselves out; it's all about timing. I will run that marathon, and it will be a milestone for me when I finish. I imagine it will be highly emotional and a step forward in my new way of life. I won't let the VILLAIN get the best of my dreams; I have too many things to do.

LABELS: CANCER, DREAMS, JOURNALING, MARATHON 

Anti-Cancer: A New Way of Life

 

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010

Anti Cancer

I had an appointment with Dr. Northfelt. He walked in and rubbed the top of my head, I looked up at him, and he had a huge smile. He said, "looks good; I like the new hair."
He wanted to see me this week and explain the next step in my treatments. It's hormone therapy and estrogen treatment. Since he is unsure if I am pre-menopausal or post-menopausal, it is hard to determine how to proceed. He sometimes said chemotherapy would put a woman into menopause and kill the ovaries. He is running some blood tests to check; it's some type of genetics testing, utterly different than the genetics testing I had when I was 1st diagnosed. We will know in ten days. I asked him when he would tell me I am VILLAIN free.... unfortunately, he said for Breast Cancer patients, doctors cannot tell patients that they are VILLAIN free. He would feel good about telling me that when I see him in his office in 30 years. Dr. Northfelt explained to me that when I had my mastectomy, it would be nice for doctors to be able to say the VILLAIN is gone since they removed breasts. However, if that were the case, he wouldn't have had me go through chemotherapy or radiation.

I believe I'm VILLAIN-free, but he will not say it. I came home and did some research online about remission and breast cancer. Everything I found says Dr. Northfelt is right. I may have some cancer cells in my body that will show up later, but until and if that happens, I will live a healthy, happy life, not being restricted to constantly thinking about the VILLAIN.

Before he left the room, he gave me a big hug and told me to keep fighting. He gave me the book's name that he thought I should read. I ordered it on Amazon today. It's written by a doctor who has had cancer twice. I'm excited to read it.

Marathon Dreams

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2010

Marathon Dreams

I thought as I watched Brothers and Sisters with my daughter the other day, I wish my life was like this TV show. One of the girls on the show found out 2 months ago she has cancer; she has already gone through chemo, lost all her hair, radiation, and is now running for a Senate spot; oh yeah, and her hair is back ............. wait what??????? I wish it was that easy and fast !!!! Actually, I take that back. I am glad my life is genuine. I have to feel something, learn something, and HOLLYWOOD is not where I want to learn it.

The last 2 nights, I woke up from dreams of me running. It felt so good. I know to some that would be a nightmare, haha. I am so determined to fight this VILLAIN and be able to exercise again. I was not in a race; I was just running in a park, happy with all my hair in a ponytail. I was keeping up the pace and enjoying the scenery around me. The trees were beautifully green, and along the path were flowers. I could see some weeds ahead of me, like tumbleweeds, and I remember wondering how I would get around them because they were utterly covering my path. I tried to run straight through them, but they were so thick, and the thorns were cutting my legs up. The next thing I knew, the tumbleweeds were starting to disappear, and the path was clear again. I continued to run, back on pace. The sky was as blue and as remarkable as I had ever seen before. Up ahead was the giant mountain, and again, I wondered if I could make it without being pushed from behind. As I started to conquer the hill, tears began to run down my face. I could feel the pain and wanted to give up, my legs were burning, and my mind started to say, "you can't do this" just when I thought I couldn't do it, I woke up. I was so mad. I tried to go back to sleep but could not get the dream back.

Until last night,,,,, I was at the top of that mountain looking down, knowing and appreciating where I had been but looking ahead, knowing the road was still long and hard, but I continued to run. I remember stepping up my pace and smiling at the road ahead of me. I couldn't see the finish line but knew if I continued at the rate I was at, I would finish; I said to myself, "it's not how you start the race, it's how you finish it" this is the famous saying I give to all my kids when they are facing something hard in their life.

Tonight as I ponder this dream, it means so much to me. I know I am not at the top of the mountain yet; I am still fighting the VILLAIN. I'm running "my marathon" there have been tumbleweeds along the way, and I've kicked them to the curb with the help of prayers and fasting from so many people. I am on the uphill with the Lord picking me up and carrying me on those days when I think I cannot finish. When I finish this race, my family will be at the finish line cheering me on, along with so many good friends, old and new.

Getting Some Fresh Air

I have not blogged in a few days, so I am updating today. Part of the side effects of chemo is DEPRESSION, and I have really been feeling down the past few weeks. I'm not sure if it's the medicines, Christmas Season, children being away, or the chemo. I finally found out from my oncologist that it is a side effect and the best thing for me to do is get away from my house for a few days.

 Eric and I decided a long time ago to take time once a month for ourselves, away from the world's worries, away from the Mayo Clinic, and away from the constant smell of the VILLAIN. We took a little trip Tuesday and Wednesday and just got away from it all. The prominent spot for us is to go to our condo in Mexico, it's close, and it's free. The weather was beautiful in the '70s. Eric was able to golf with Tom Scheurn, while Tamy and I decided to walk on the beach for as long a walk as I could. I walked on the beach; I took off my hat and walked, just me and my bald head. It was good therapy for me, and I got some vitamin D. I walked the path I usually would run. I imagined myself taking off running, sweating, dodging a few sand traps, then when we hit the smooth sand, I told Tamy, "this is the best sand to run on." 

The next day when I took a walk by myself, I was thinking about my life. A few tears fell from my eyes as I thought about the sand and the first 10-mile run I did here in Mexico. At the beginning of 2009, I was training for a marathon. Kayla and Jeremy announced they were having a baby. Kaitlyn and Brian announced their engagement. Blake got his mission call, everything was going smooth, and we felt like nothing could get in the way of our success or strength as a family. Then, when we hit the VILLAIN sand trap, everything changed. Nothing was smooth anymore. 

The thing is about taking journeys. Usually, you start a trip with excitement and anticipation, looking forward to the new adventure. We get prepared by reading all we can see about where we are going. We put together proper clothing taking care of packing and schedules. A spiritual journey often begins the same way, anticipation and wonderment. We go forward with faith, hoping the Lord will teach us along the way. I continue to learn every step of this journey. I am finding out how far I can be stretched spiritually, physically, and mentally.

Marathon Dreams

Tonight I went to my cycling class that I have been going to every Monday night for a long time. I could hardly make it through; I felt so exhausted. Usually, I take two hours of cycling on Monday night and 1/2 hour of weights but tonight, I could hardly make it through the 1st class. I am sad to think that I will have to slow down and not be as active as I usually am; I believe cancer will slow me down. I have always been swamped, running, cycling, weights, kickboxing, and step. One of my goals in life is to run a marathon.  Will I ever be able to achieve that goal? I hope so, someday.  
Also, today, I allowed myself to cry a little bit; my mind began to wander off a little. I have always thought that Eric would be the one who would get sick or need my help, so I have always kept myself in pretty good health, eating right and exercising, knowing that I would need my strength to help him someday. Now, as I face this new trial of mine, I wonder if the Lord is trying to teach me to rely on others, especially my husband. Eric loves me so much and wants to be the "fixer" I love that he has taken over and been proactive in finding the best treatment for me.
Tomorrow we go to the Mayo Clinic, and I am a little nervous; Eric will be there with me; I told him tonight that the waiting is the hardest part, I am ready to get going and move forward to get this black cloud out of my body.
You have no idea what those mean to everyone who leaves me a comment or sends me a note on Facebook or an email. I have put them in a file to go back and read them; I love them; I actually treasure them. My friends and family will get me through this with some dignity. Thank you so much; please continue to let me know how you feel; I need to hear from you.