The Day the Silence Spoke Back

 

Dear Frenchie,

There was a time I believed that once someone passed, they were simply gone—out of reach, out of touch, out of time. The physical pain of your absence has been unbearably hard. The silence I’ve felt is so loud, it hurts.

But then something changed.

Slowly, quietly, profoundly—I began to hear you. To feel you with me.

It didn’t happen all at once. It started with a whisper of intuition, a warmth in a room where I stood alone, a flicker of a memory that came alive in real time. I thought I was imagining it—but I desperately wanted it to be real. Over time, those feelings returned, again and again, with clarity, with power, and with love.

Grief has cracked me wide open. And in that open space, your spirit found room to enter my heart and soul. Thank you for that.

I’ve realized that spirits don’t always come with flashing lights or dramatic signs. Often, it’s subtle. It’s the beautiful sunsets and the wondrous sunrises I now love to wake up to.
It’s the song that plays when I’m thinking of you.
It’s the memory of you learning the Stanky Leg and how happy that made you.
It’s the feather on my doorstep or the ladybugs that continue to show up.
The dream that felt more like a visit than a vision.
It’s the way my body chills just before a wave of peace washes over me.

The more I’ve leaned into trust, the stronger the connection has grown. I began talking to you—first out loud, then in thought, and sometimes just through tears. And always, you responded—in your own way, not in words, but in presence. A presence so unmistakable, I can only call it sacred.

I’ve come to understand: love doesn’t die. Energy doesn’t end. And your spirit hasn’t abandoned me. Quite the opposite—you have stepped into my heart and reassured me that you are with me anytime I need to tap into that spirit.

Because of your visits, I’ve learned to stop and enjoy the small things—like you did during that year and a half before you passed away. My awareness is palpable. Strikingly overwhelming at times, but I am grateful for the continued lessons I’m learning about you.

I’ve learned to meditate by sitting in the silence, breathing air into my lungs, and feeling your presence wrap around me like a soft embrace. I only remember the good times we shared. I don’t take your presence lightly—it is profound.

Our loved ones are not “lost.” They are transformed. They walk with us, whisper to us, and when we get quiet enough to listen, they answer.

Your mom did that with me after she passed—her first visit was when I had to be resuscitated during a very long and dangerous surgery. It only lasted a few minutes, but what took place with her seemed like much longer. When I opened my eyes, I was in Heaven. Your mom was there, holding her arms out, wanting me to run into them—and I did. Her eyes were as blue as I remembered, like the Caribbean Sea. She told me Heavenly Father had asked her to visit with me, and she instructed me about three things I still needed to do here on earth.

On that visit, your dad was there too. I hugged him and felt the strength of his embrace. I told him I didn’t want to go back—that my life was too hard. He didn’t hesitate. He waved his hand to his left and said, “Do you see those children playing? Those are your grandchildren, and they need your influence and example in their lives. Now it is time for you to return to your life on earth.”

Then he looked at your mother and said something I later found peculiar: “It’s time for Monya to go back to her life on earth, and it’s time for you and I to get back to work.” Get back to work? What did that mean? I had so many questions as I tried to make sense of what had happened to me that day.

The second time your mother appeared to me was in a dream. We walked through a beautiful garden as she explained one of her “jobs” in Heaven: she oversaw it. She asked me about you, whether you were treating me with love and respect, just as Ray had treated her. She asked if I was happy. We talked about spiritual things, and I remembered why I loved her so much. She still visits me in my dreams.

I felt it when my brother, Lance, passed away. I carried shame and guilt, wondering if I had taken him to the hospital that night instead of worrying about him keeping me awake, could I have saved him?

But when Lance visited me not long after his death, he placed his hand on mine as I prayed about him. I reveled in those moments, eyes closed, listening as he spoke. I heard him as if he were alive and standing beside me. He said:

"Monya, my death is not your fault. It was my time to go, and I am happy. Now it’s time for you to move out of Mom and Dad’s house and start living. Go and enjoy your new life with Eric—he is a good person."

And then he was gone.

When Jami was diagnosed with breast cancer, I knew I needed to visit her—but I didn’t. I felt uncomfortable. How could I face someone I loved so much, someone who had already suffered so deeply?

After her death, I punished myself with guilt for not going to her. That pain became even harder to bear when I was diagnosed with breast cancer myself.

But I began to pray about Jami, and the spirit I felt was hers. She assured me she knew I loved her—and she understood why I didn’t come. She told me that now, having received the same diagnosis, I would appreciate it. She reminded me to focus on the fight ahead. She told me I would be blessed through the process and that Heavenly Father would never leave my side.

She was right. I didn’t waste energy worrying about who came to visit or who said the wrong things. I gave grace—because I remembered how I felt with Jami. And when I told you that story, you were mesmerized. You asked why you’d never had experiences like that.

I’ll never forget what I said:
I told you that you didn’t need the reassurance like I did. You were raised in a very different environment from mine.

For me, those spiritual encounters kept me grounded, alive, conscious. They carried me when I felt I couldn’t go on. It wasn’t always easy—in fact, it was humiliating at times—but I made it through.

And finally, there was Black Rock Beach.

The Lord allowed you to visit me in the very place where you took your last breath. I believe He escorted you there and left us to share sacred time together.

You told me you saw me on the beach that day—you knew I would never be the same again. You told me about where you are. You said you are so happy that where you are, there are no negative feelings or thoughts. You said Heaven is real—it’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen. Then you shared your spiritual connection with Heaven and the life you now have. It was the first time I had ever seen you in this light, and it was so refreshing.

You told me you were excited to be allowed to visit me. And that I have a gift—a gift to feel the spirits of those we love who have passed.

You told me you knew you couldn’t help me any other way—but visiting me was enough. It was everything. You shared your love for the Lord and assured me He lives and loves us all. Those spiritual thoughts you shared with me are my favorite—because I had never heard you speak with such intention.

I know now, without a doubt, that there is life after death. And I can tune in to those feelings when needed. I didn’t want our moment to end. But when it did, I looked at my watch, stunned that we had spent four hours together.

I treasure your love and your presence in my life. I feel you often. And I am eternally grateful to Heavenly Father for that day on the beach—and for the life we shared.

As rocky as the beginning of our marriage was, I will always be proud of us—of our grit and determination to keep going. The world said we were a statistic, that we’d never make it. But we did. And we both know we had a beautiful love story. It is more evident to me now how much you love me.

Thank you for loving me the way you have, and for continuing to show me your beautiful, vulnerable heart. I love this part of you.

Now, when I feel that gentle tug in my soul—or the warmth over my entire body—I no longer wonder. I know.

I am a special daughter of God, protected and guided by the spirits of those who love me.

I am not alone.
I never was.
And neither are you.

I am in love with our eternal companionship.

I love you. And I look forward to seeing you again.

Love,
Me, your cute wifey

Disney On Ice

     Chloe and Blake gave me tickets for Christmas to take Weslie to Disney on Ice for my birthday. Weslie and I talked the entire way to the stadium and were very excited about the show. We arrived early and were able to get a really great parking spot. We found where we were supposed to sit, then went out to the vendors for yummy food, drinks, and, of course, to buy a souvenir for Weslie. She is so sweet and asked if we could get something for Zeek. I already had that idea in mind, but when Weslie said, "I would rather get something for Zeek if you don't have enough money." My heart ... oh my heart!! I love this little girl. She is so polite and kind, and she is only seven years old, far older in maturity than seven years old. I also noticed she saved half of everything we ordered for treats and saved them for Zeek. He had popcorn, half a churro, half of her cotton candy, and a souvenir.

    I loved watching Weslie as the Characters came onto the ice; she was so wide-eyed and excited that it warmed my heart. She sang along to the music and announced the characters' names as they entered the ice. Weslie is so sweet. I loved every second with her.

                                            

Cubs Make History

 

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2016

Cubs Make History

On November 2, 2016, the Chicago Cubs made history.106 years have come since the Cubbies won a World Series.

The Frenchie and I were on the edge of our seats watching the seventh game of the World Series. I told him I wonder how many people had a heart attack tonight--sounds crazy? If you watched this story unfold, you know exactly what I am talking about. Sports announcers and social media made this fact clear several times, proclaiming if you have a heart condition, you should use caution watching the game.

Going into overtime, we watched as fans from both Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians were biting their nails, sitting on the edge of their seats, covering their eyes, and some watching with blinders on as they tuned out all worries of the world to see the ending of the great Bambino Curse. A win for either side would make history, and Cleveland Indians have not had success for over 60 years. Frenchie and I would have been happy for either team, but watching grown men cry and embrace each other was touching and gave hope for people to NEVER GIVE UP.

As with all games, there must be a winner and a loser. With thousands of people watching, half would leave happy and incredibly sad, but all would leave exhausted as they cheered on their team. Knowing Dr. Kreymerman is from Cleveland, I began texting him-needless to say, he went to bed disappointed. I was impressed with the classy response from the Cleveland Indians manager Terry Francona-who has never lost a World Series Game -- he gave a compelling speech congratulating the winning Cubs team.

After the game ended, Chicago Cubs fans across the nation were celebrating. They will be honoring this win for years to come. Frenchie and I attend the spring training games every year here in Arizona-with that being said...Arizonians are all Cubbies fans. They maintained a 'never give up' demeanor throughout the entire season, and it paid off--Congratulations are an understatement-they deserved to feel proud and grateful for this historic win.

The Winning Game Was Played In Cleveland-
But Wrigley Field In Chicago Was Full of Cubs Fans

Captivating Moments

Final Score

History

Have Courage and Be Kind

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2015

Have Courage and Be Kind

What an unbelievable week I’ve enjoyed. Renee Olson (Chief Leadership Officer for Nerium International) asked me to speak at Nerium’s semi-annual national convention. It was held at the SAP Center in San Jose, with a crowd of thousands of people sold out. I was hesitant to follow through with this great honor. I am so transparent in what I do, but I often do not allow others to see the delicate, emotional roller coaster I’ve endured. The aches have been natural for me. The weight of this responsibility became so heavy knowing my face would be on substantial jumbo screens for all to see gave me tremendous anxiety. This past year, there have been times I’ve just wanted to hide. Hearing an innocent child asking their parent, “Mom, what’s wrong with that lady's face?” has been challenging to process. Usually, I reply before the mother or father has a chance, “I just have a boo boo” The parents apologize generally and walk off, saying they are sorry. That is my reality; that has been my life for a year now. I realize no one can utterly understand my feelings, so I usually just say, “I’m fine,” when my heart is weak, struggling to be brave and strong. Just when I’ve started to heal and feel like life is taking a turn, another trial comes. I was so amazed while I poured out all my feelings; I felt loved. I prayed for the right words to say. This peace came over me before I went out on stage. I really opened and let Him guide me. I could not read my notes, resisted putting on my glasses to read them, and had to condense 5 and a half years into 10 minutes--I knew there was no way I could convey all the emotions we’ve lived through in that amount of time. Before I went out, I decided I would meet Him where He needed me to be, and this would bring me into a full circle and heal my insecurities. This experience helped me to be one step closer to being whole again. I prayed that whatever I said would touch at least one person and help them understand that we all feel broken in some way or another, but not giving up is the secret power we all have inside of us. We all want to feel valued and important; I’ve learned this through living it personally.

For those who have followed my blog, I don’t talk much about Nerium because I didn’t want my blog to become a platform for advertising. This is a sacred place where I go to escape the world; I am alone and listen to uplifting music when I write. I’ve always wanted this to be an authentic reality of who I am. My children will be able to go to this place long after I am gone to laugh, cry, and remember who their mom was. With that being said, I do have to add that I know Heavenly Father undoubtedly led me to this incredible company. I was not looking for anything; still involved heavily in health issues. The confirmation I felt when I said yes to Nerium was so overwhelming at the time I didn’t know why. Now I do; within a few months of joining my friends, my facial paralysis happened. If it were not for the self-development, I’ve gained from living in the culture of the Nerium Family, I don’t think I could have made it through this past year. I highly recommend anyone to READ THE SLIGHT EDGE. It has Nothing to do with Nerium; it has to do with a philosophy of life. Even through my breast cancer journey, losing my hair, uterus, and breasts, I still felt okay. My perspective on life has changed; Nothing in life is worth anger, hate, or malice. Seeing the world through different eyes lightened my heart and soul.

The Villain had taken from me everything that the world defines as “feminine.” It was challenging to process, and I relied on the Lord to get me through it. However, when the facial paralysis came, and a doctor told me, “Your face will never be the same again,” those words penetrated my mind deeply. I cried; my husband called for me. I was depressed and sad; I took so much of it out on my family and never wanted to be seen in public again. It has been a slow process that I cannot say I have fully conquered. Still, I can honestly say without hesitation nowhere, except for my church congregation and family, have I felt true unconditional love like I have with the Nerium family. Jeff Olson has taught me true happiness begins from the inside and manifests itself to others when you are genuine with your thoughts and feelings yourself. Success is not a car or a home. So many people think, “Well, when I lose weight, or I get a new job, or I blah blah blah......I will be happy.” Nothing can be further from the truth; being authentic and happy with yourself under any circumstance is what success is; it’s what attracts people to you and helped me live through this year. Be patient with me; I’m still under construction.

Speaking in front of a sold-out stadium--um. overwhelming
I had to lean on the spirit and speak from the heart.

Nerium and CEO Jeff Olson know how to throw a
white party--so much fun

It was a badge of courage and bravery for me to expose myself to such a large group of people. Over the past few weeks, as I traced where I’ve been, it was overwhelming even for me to process my journey. I have wrestled with shame and discouragement, feeling like I have let people down. I’ve wondered at times if my own children are disappointed in me. This life-changing alteration in my life has really brought me to my knees. Starting anything is always challenging: a diet, an exercise program, a new job, and even a new life. Trusting in myself to fight through this last year has been empowering. It’s been worth the sorrow and pain I’ve felt and feel. As I give up my pride and begin to give in to the fact this is the life I intend to live, I’m starting to believe I can move mountains. I have felt the changes inside of me. I’m beginning to realize I’m me because of where I’ve been and the experiences I’ve enjoyed and endured.

When Sheldon died, I wanted to give in and give up; now, I see the Lord has been waiting for me to do my part. To fulfill a promise. I’m finally beginning to understand I don’t need all the answers right now. It’s never too late to start on a path that will move you forward. Step up to the starting line and run as fast as you can; tomorrow may not come. This is the time to love others, share a kind word, and be true to yourself. You will find the strength to pull yourself out of any situation. There are days when I have to remind myself of who I am and convince myself once again I have the power within me to be happy. True happiness cannot be given to you, it cannot be bought, and it certainly cannot be faked. When you are pleased, you live with no regrets, you are at peace with who you are, and most of all, your spirit illuminates and becomes contagiously beautiful.

Tonight, Eric and I went to see the latest version of the animated Disney movie Cinderella. As I watched, I was engulfed in the story; many paralyzed my life. It showed me the unparalleled beauty of courage and kindness in the face of humiliation, suffering, and shame. I watched, thinking, sure, Cinderella looks stunning. But it’s not her ball gown or glass slippers that first catch the prince’s eye. Her inner beauty captures his attention—her courage and her kindness. Kindness isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength. Submission isn’t pitiful; it’s beautiful and courageous. We all have the power within ourselves to make our lives happy; it is a CHOICE.

Happy Acts 365 Days

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 21, 2015

Happy Acts 365 days

I pushed myself today, but I've never felt more gratified. 365 days ago, when I learned about the International Day of Happiness--I was incredibly touched in a spiritually humble way. I made a choice that day; I was going to do 365 days of Happy Acts and see if it would change my life in any way at all. I began by writing everything I did in a private calendar. Then I got a planner and made it an intentional goal for my personal growth. I had to be intentional with my thoughts but not with my act of kindness. I let those come naturally but looked for ways to help another person.

After 6 weeks of doing it daily, I was put into the hospital for 3 weeks. Still, I could follow through with those acts; they were on my mind constantly. I became obsessed with overcoming obstacles and achieving this goal. After 2 Weeks at Mayo Clinic, I devised ways to help nurses or doctors- sometimes just by thanking them for using their name and sincerely getting to know them. Smiles, special notes, and gratitude were my best friends. I handed out Live Happy Magazines to everyone I could. Then I went to Cleveland Clinic for 7 weeks. This time I went prepared, not knowing what the circumstances would be--, I could still give thanks and share Happiness. In the past year, I was blessed with 8 surgeries to help save my life. What better way to say thank you? These people loved, cared, and helped me through some tough times...Diana Lents, I will forever be grateful that Angel and John gave me #HappyActs. Evgenya and Alex Kreymerman visiting me and showing #HappyActs was a huge surprise but so much needed when I had no family with me.

March 20, 2014--- From this day forward, I will give at least one act of kindness daily, and I promise to do this for 365 days.

Today March 20, 2015---✔ I did it...
I can't even explain the overwhelming feeling of such an achievement and what it did to change me from the inside out. I am a different person now than I was a year ago. I'm not talking about facial paralysis; I made this goal before that happened. My motivation behind this goal was to see how many people I could touch. The Lord had a different reason in mind when he led me down this path. He wanted me to see how achieving this goal would change and help me.

THESE  people give unselfishly every day as they
work at Mayo Hospital--5 and a half years with them
I'm grateful BOSA DONUTS FOR EVERYONE

You know, if you read my blog, I like to visit the chemo lab
and always take Holiday Treats for them to enjoy during
March and April before Easter...lots of tears today

Today as I drove the long freeway to Mayo Clinic, I pulled over to the side of the road, cried some tears of joy, and said a prayer of thanks for helping me achieve this incredible goal. I actually start plans and give up, but not this time. It was certainly not for glory or to boast in any way. I wish I could post every act of kindness I did; however, for a couple reasons, I will not:
1. HIPAA laws and the privacy of some acts that are too sacred to share.
2. Heavenly Father and I may be the only ones who will ever know the change these people made in my life.

Ultimately, trying to change one life at a time will help others to feel what I've felt this year. These people have made an indent in my heart that will never be removed. Most of these people will never know the difference they've made in my life--some of them are my hero's as I watched them struggle with different trials. I was placed in some places at the right time for a reason--I am so eternally grateful for those times-- This year, I found out how strong I am, who I am, what I can achieve, and most importantly, that because I intentionally found these people, I was then able to find myself,  I like what I saw--for the 1st time in my life nothing can hold me back from being BRAVE--I've let it define me. Today I realized while I was having that tender moment on the side of the road, I'm OK with myself. I'm no longer afraid to open the door to a me I've never seen before, and I know on those days when the walls seem too high to climb, Heaven is on my side. I'm ready to let nothing hold me back from what I feel inside of me-- I will be forever grateful to Jeff Olson for going before the United Nations and officially making March 20 the International Day of Happiness. I had the opportunity to meet Kym Yancey,  CEO of Live Happy Magazine. He is a wonderful man with a love for his family and spreading Happiness--I will never forget my interview with him. Good people attract good people--don't we all want good people in our lives?
Happiness is part of who I am now; I look forward to inviting more blessings into my life and giving others--365 days of Happiness.

I bought a couple extra Happy Tees to give out to random
people.

Two of my grandsons bought them Oreos and Kool-Aid
something their mom doesn't believe them. good thing for
grandmas to bring a treat every once in a while
instead of apples and bananas #HappyActs

One of the Happiness Walls from today--love when parents
participate and encourage their children. What a great
Dad--no hesitation at all.

I decided to go to a gas station in an area
where I knew people struggled financially. I sat and waited
I felt it with my heart; she was the one....sure enough,
zero gas and only $10 to her name. I filled her tank...
she was so happy, and the gas attendants didn't
understand...LOL 

How cute are these sisters? They will fill the
buckets of others who need it with their love.

Another mom showing her children the value of
Happiness and sharing in their lives

These are elementary school kids; no one helped them
come up with these ways to share Happiness.
Another tearful moment

Some of the cute notes from one of the boards the
children wrote on

I love these happy people for coming graciously into
my life a year ago. I love them

For the anniversary of this day, I intentionally made plans. The two walls of Happiness were more fulfilling than I thought. With the help of Carrie and Lindsay, we set up 2 walls at elementary schools. What a complete gratification to see every student want to participate, to watch parents get out of their car instead of dropping their children off and walking them to our wall. I was so impressed by these sweet children and parents--if our next generation could share love every day in some small way, we would be raising a new age of grateful children.

ONE DIFFICULT YEAR--TODAY MADE IT ALL WORTH IT...This was such a rewarding,  fantastic day. Thank you, Danny Jones, Elizabeth Decker, and Shelli Richardson, for never giving up on me.

Finding Serenity Now

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2015

Finding Serenity Now

I know people who were born happy. Then some struggle most of their lives trying to figure out what happiness is, only to discover it was within them the entire time. I live somewhere between being happy and striving to be completely 100% satisfied.

This past year it's been a struggle for me to find the balance. When I am lacking in an area where I truly desire to accomplish a better version of myself, I study and make goals to help me achieve that attribute. No one likes to be around a downer person all the time. I judge myself harder than anyone else could, so I become exclusive. The study of true happiness has been an absolutely intriguing subject.

I began by becoming an ambassador for happiness at LiveHappy.com. It is free but keeps me in check with acts of kindness, giving me ideas for serving others. I have struggled with insomnia since my cancer diagnosis. Researchers have found that happy people sleep better, live longer, and have a more extensive and active social network of friends. They make better bosses, better decisions, and even more money. I feel like I just described my sweet husband. His head hits the pillow, and he is gone to dreamland--he never talks negatively and always looks at the bright side of things. We introduced me to folks he sold a home to 20-30 years ago; he remembers them, their children, their parents, etc. Without hesitation, they always say, "We love your husband; he's the best realtor we have ever dealt with"  I'm pretty sure there are a few passengers at USAirways who would not have that to say about me.

There is a book called The Upside of Your Dark Side; it was interesting to read as I studied what should be a superficial attribute that can be so complex. Maybe we are trying too hard to be happy. The P.H.D. who helped co-write the book suggests that emotions of anger, guilt, anxiety, and sadness can be beneficial. The good news for me, I struggle with all of those. Reading it intrigued me even more, to find out how he came to that conclusion. He said instead of trying to be happy every waking moment of our day, It's all about balance. It's about finding pleasure in what we enjoy and learning from the obstacles we must overcome. Anyone who knows me knows my philosophy is always about what we learn from heartache. Still, honestly I never really thought my struggles with anxiety, guilt, or sadness were part of the balance needed to master the attribute of true happiness. Putting on a happy face 100% of the time is not REAL; ultimately, my goal is to be entirely true to myself.

If we could all wrap ourselves in bubble wrap to avoid the problematic but REAL life situations, we suffocate ourselves from growing into our authentic selves; besides, it's unrealistic. Once I realized this, it was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. For me, it's about working on what I can control. It is scientifically honest and freeing to let go of the burden and pressure to always be happy. In today's world, more than ever before, people compare themselves to others for approval. Our world has changed, and social networking constantly reminds us of the amount of "Likes" a person gets. My daughter just recently told me there is a way to buy "Likes" I just about lost my lunch. Really? How sad is that? Social media is fun, can help build businesses, and keep us caught up on friends and family. I have many times  prayed for people who not known they needed it had I not seen it on social media. It has given us a  great tool an excellent ativating happiness on a different level. For example, a friend of , mine Kara Kelly was celebrating her 40th birthday, rather than a physical gift she asked people to do something nice for someone else that day and then hashtag it. Knowing her this was a genuine request, and I enjoyed doing it. Normally we have been taught to do acts of kindness as an anonymous gift so as to not pat ourselves on the back. There are times when anonymous gifts are necessary, those are not what I am referring to.

Since studying happiness one of the goals I gave myself was to give at least one act of kindness a day. The genuine joy I have received from doing this has now become second nature to me. Everyone can do it, but intentionality has to be considered when starting out. These can or cannot be monetary. A smile cost nothing, when I lost my smile I had to get a bit more creative (L.O.L.) helping someone put groceries in their car, picking up something from the store for a home-bound person, telling someone you like their outfit, or their hair looks good, are all acts of kindness.

All of our emotions serve a purpose, this is why Heavenly Father has blessed us with the ability to feel sad, lonely, angry, etc. The fluctuation of those emotions is what helps us to balance out and appreciate the happy moments. How do you measure your happiness if you have never felt any other emotion? The idea of happiness is similar to the wanting to be richer or healthier-- I think the reason why our happiness levels fluctuate from one day to the next or for some hour to hour is that we are all subject to things we cannot control, the traffic, weather how much sleep we are getting. I know for me when the negative sets in it's because I have set my pedestal for happiness way too high and I feel like I have failed. Just like Love in our life, we have to let it happen. You can't MAKE yourself feel something, and those feelings may change from day to day.

Doing things you enjoy is the best way to replace negative with happiness. When we allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions our Heavenly Father has blessed us with, we are happier people. Being grateful and thanking our Heavenly Father for those emotions is the key to finding true happiness. I'm working on this right now in my life, I have a long way to go but I'm glad I listened to the spirit tell me there were things about myself I needed to do so that I could quit wasting time and find serenity now.

My Kaitlyn Rae

 March 6, 2015

My Kaitlyn Rae

Happy Birthday to my sweet, sassy, kind, and funny daughter. You have been such a light in my life. I don't believe a day passed that you didn't make Dad and I laugh. You had silly faces and the cutest little raspy voice. Life with you has been a dream come true. You have brought me so much joy, I have laughed with you until I've pee'd my pants. 

I remember when Pioneer School was the school, we started Blake and Kayla at Pioneer School, Blake had a speech problem and had 36 children in the class. Dad and I immediately pulled them out of school and put them at Edu Prize.

One day, a few years later, you and Haleigh were in the car with me to go pick up Kayla and Blake from school. You said, "Mommy I want to go to that school "as we drove by Pioneer. I liked the Edu Prize, but I also wanted you to be able to make your own choices. So, you started school at Pioneer and had the greatest teachers every year. They loved you too. I remember going to the Grand Canyon for the first time with you and your class with Mrs. Herr. Everyone loved you at school, and you made friends with everyone.

Now that you get older, I am impressed with your choice of friends, you are still happy all the time. I love you so much, and cannot believe how fast the time fly's by, I want you to be a toddler again.  I love you I love you I love you.

 

Something Amazing

MONDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2014

Something Amazing

THIS WEEK, I RECEIVED EMAILS ASKING ME TO EXPLAIN MORE ABOUT PAST POSTS. WILL EXPLAIN NOW.

I HAVE BEEN DEAF IN MY RIGHT EAR FOR 48 YEARS DUE TO A BLOW TO THE HEAD AT AGE THREE; FROM MY BIRTHFATHER (COLBY); IT HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME EAR I'VE HAD MULTIPLE SURGERIES ON THIS YEAR. 

MY LEFT EAR IS MY 'GOOD' EAR. EVEN THOUGH THE BAHA IMPLANT IS ON THE RIGHT SIDE, IT TRANSMITS SOUNDS WAVES TO THE GOOD EAR ON THE LEFT TO IMPROVE MY HEARING. MY RIGHT EAR IS NOW COMPLETELY EMPTY, WITH NO INNER CANAL, NO EARDRUM, NO NOTHING; THE DOCTOR TOOK SKIN FROM MY HEAD AND MADE A NEW-LOOKING EAR FOR ME.

Today, something unique happened to me. I had appointments at Mayo Clinic, and I met with Kelly Conroy in the ENT department to have my Baha hearing device finally connected to the implant. I was not prepared for what would happen; I usually go to Mayo Clinic without thinking much about why I'm there or who I am supposed to see; I just don't let my mind think about it unless I'm going to the third floor then I need to prepare myself.

I have met with Kelly before for hearing tests and to be fitted for my Baha, but it's been a year since my implant was placed, and so much has happened since then. The Baha has not been on my mind. Today, I was blessed with a Tender Mercy from Heavenly Father, which I needed. I now have a new person to love at Mayo Clinic, I will never forget today, and I am so grateful Kelly Conroy was the one I shared this moment with; she was so compassionate and loving.

Kelly placed the device on my implant and then adjusted her computer to customize the hearing device to my needs. What happened next was amazing; I wish I had it on video, or Eric could have shared it. I could hear everything clearly and crisply when Kelly activated the device. I smiled, and we sat and talked for a while so she could make sure everything was working well. We both cried as I explained some of my emotions this year. This was not even the impressive part. Once I got to my car, I could not believe the sounds.

 
I opened the door to get in the front seat, and when I started the car, my music was so loud I quickly turned it down, smiled, and backed the car up--and the sound of putting the car in reverse was something I had never heard. 

As I drove down the beeline highway, I noticed a man walking; I pulled over and asked him if he needed help. He assured me he had AAA on their way and thanked me. I wondered, "why is he talking so loud?" I was overcome with emotion; I had to pull the car over a few miles away, get out and walk through the wildflowers; never had I seen anything more beautiful. I looked at the sky, brilliant blue with fluffy white clouds, and cried. I heard a bird chirp; it was beautiful. I thought I knew what that sounded like all these years, but today it was more apparent than I had ever felt or heard it. 

I could feel His love for me. He loves me, He really, really loves me, and not only me, but He also loves my biological Father, Colby Belshe. I could feel his presence; this was more than an emotionally draining day for me, but at that very moment, standing with my arms high, twirling in the Arizona desert, I could feel that finally, Colby was happy; his daughter could hear. 

Colby never could forgive himself for being the fault of my deafness, and I forgave him. I don't remember being angry with him; I only knew partial hearing. I told Colby many times that I didn't blame him, was OK, and didn't blame him, but even to his death, he took that guilt. Today that is over for him; he watched me, I felt him, and I know he can now move on. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for such a beautiful gift you have given me.
I picked myself up, got back in my car, called Eric, and could not believe how loud he was; I smiled, tears running down my cheeks.

When I got home, this is when the real magic happened. I opened the door, and I heard the doorknob turn. I smiled. When the door shut behind me, I screamed. It was so loud, it scared me. I did the same thing when my phone rang, I had "Happy" as my ringtone, and I about jumped out of my skin, but I smiled. Walking across my wood floors, I heard every step. In the kitchen, I opened the microwave and shut it several times. I did the same thing with the refrigerator, and I smiled.

When my hand touched the staircase to walk up, I heard my hand even softly dragging, and I smiled. I sat on my bedroom floor weeping, alone, just as it should be. I'm sure it was not too pretty. I could even hear the carpet as I ran my hand across it; all I could say was thank you so much for this unexpected miracle. I pulled the string on the dental floss tonight, and the sound was nothing I'd ever heard before; I did it repeatedly until the container was all gone. Turning the pages of my scriptures was terrific; I listened to every crinkle and smiled. I sat on my bed in awe of what my Heavenly Father had blessed me with at such a critical time. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, HE LOVES ME. I don't think I have smiled like I did today for so long, and even though it was a half smile, I didn't care; I couldn't help it. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is as beautiful as being able to hear everything; all the creations He has created for us to see, hear, feel, and smell we take for granted.
I can't wait to hear more things. I immediately turned my primary music on, my favorite song has always been My Heavenly Father Loves Me...I cry every time I hear this song.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me:

Whenever I hear the song of a bird,
or look at the blue blue sky,
whenever I feel the rain on my face
or the wind as it rushes by.
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world,
Heavenly Father created it for me.
He gave me my eyes that I might see
the color of butterfly wings,
he gave me my ears so that I might
hear the magical sound of things
He gave me my life, my mind
my heart, I thank Him reverently
for all his creations of which I'm
apart, yes, I know Heavenly Father
Loves me.

Today these words mean more to me than ever before. I can't help but think that Heavenly Father has been waiting for this day, preparing me, and refining me, preparing Colby, too, as he has suffered with this guilt for so long. I am happy for him too. I cannot stop crying. I am so blessed the tears are flowing like a river with no end in sight. I just want to open and close things. I want to hear my grandkids laugh, oh I can't wait for that; I thought I loved those belly laughs before, but I have a feeling as I get used to this new blessing, I am going to continue to have tears, learning so much of what we take for granted. So, if you see me tear up, I'm OK. I'm just hearing something new and enjoying it for the first time. I don't know if I can say thank you enough to Him who gave me this gift today, and I know He is smiling down on me too. I've been so lost these last few months, trying so hard to understand what I am supposed to do? What am I supposed to be learning? I will continue to ask, but not today. I am grateful this is a feeling I will never ever forget.

LABELS: HEARING, HOPE, KELLY CONROY, LOVE, MAYO CLINIC, PEACE 

Trust in God

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2014

Trust in God

Another night of insomnia; I cannot stop thinking about The Wentworth Family tonight. Our girls danced together for years; Darbie and Sierra have always had a special place in my heart, especially offering their personal prayers for me when needed. As I knelt to pray tonight, I asked God to wrap his arms in and around their hearts and comfort them with His love. I have perfect knowledge that their son Buddy is being watched over and taken care of, he is in a peaceful place that is nothing like earth, and he will be with his family again.

I recently received this bookmark from a dear friend, who I admire and love for her strength and love of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She, too, lost her son; it just never seems fair that a child should go to Heaven before their parents. Living in this world, we face so many challenges, and what makes it all worth it is knowing the Savior died for us; we have knowledge of the Atonement. We hear, "The Lord never gives us trials we cannot endure"  I have had some bumps along the way, especially in the last few years, but I am grateful the Lord knows I could not handle losing a child or grandchild. I'd instead take on any pain or heartache to keep my children and grandchildren safe from harm.

I love this...Thank You, Carla Kelly. I see this every day
when I read, and it reminds me of great promises.

Even when we are feeling broken, we are loved. It's hard to heal from a tragedy like this, but the hands of mercy and grace offer us a peaceful feeling of HOPE and FAITH in something bigger than ourselves. I know I am loved; I know He is aware of me, and I know what I must do to return with honor to Him and live with my family forever. There is a reason we are all here on earth, we are all children of infinite worth, and we are part of His eternal plan; we may not always understand what that means, but as we discover His unconditional love for us as individuals, we start to understand just how hard it is for Him to see us suffer, we are His children. I know I've had to turn to the Lord for peace on days when I no longer wanted to be here. Searching for your soul and discovering who you are, I mean the REAL authentic person you are, has been more fulfilling than anything I have learned in the past 51 years.