New Baby Coming

 

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2015

New Baby Coming

Today, as I entered the Mayo Clinic there was no piano playing. I proceeded to the lab to get blood drawn and tests necessary. My next stop was to see Doctor Northfelt, my oncologist.  I had an hour and a half wait. I heard the piano playing and decided to sit and wait in the peaceful lobby. I listened to the waterfall, and occasionally I could hear doctors and patients interacting as they walked by. But today I was grateful I could really enjoy the music coming from the Piano. This was much better than sitting on the third floor and smelling the sickness of chemo in the air. I put my head back and closed my eyes.  He started to play a medley of songs from The Sound of Music (my favorite movie of all time) It was enchanting to listen to. I remember when Eric and I visited Austria a few years ago after I finished my rounds of chemo and radiation. As each song played, I pictured that day we visited. I am a blessed lady. While there have been so many distractions in my life, in the past few years I have been blessed with so much. Patience is a virtue I never thought I could conquer, but in the case of my health, I have learned it is invaluable. I have been blessed with incredible doctors all from the Mayo Clinic, and Doctor Haberkamp from the Cleveland Clinic.

Last Sunday Blake and Chloe announced they are expecting their first baby in February. The doorbell rang, I answered, and outside was a set of three balloons with a note that said to read to the Family. I was then asked to pop the balloon that reads #1 on it, so I did. Inside was an ultrasound picture. I quickly wanted to read note #2 it read that someone in the family would be bringing grandchild #4 to join us in February. I thought for sure it was Kaitlyn and Brian. Scott and Haleigh, Blake, and Chloe have all been very verbal about waiting to have children. The third balloon was supposed to be popped by Eric, but I didn't know Oh, and I forgot to mention I was popping these balloons with a butcher knife. I quickly popped #3 to find out who it was.........Blake and Chloe......... Chloe said, "Monya look at the color of the confetti inside the balloon...." It was PINK. This will be our first granddaughter. I of course went crazy running around crying, happy, hugging them all the while with the butcher knife in my hand.... I'm sure it was an ugly sight, and I might have said a curse word... Eric and I are so happy. Blake has been such a great brother to his sisters, and compassionate and loving to me, and to Chloe, he will be an incredible dad. Chloe is so great with all the nephews and really loves them, I know she is going to be a wonderful mother.  I keep thinking about her mom who passed away with cancer during the time I was going through chemo. She is with our little granddaughter now, sharing with her all the love she has and passing on a legacy for Chloe to follow.

I WANT MY WIFE BACK

SATURDAY, MAY 24, 2014

--I WANT MY WIFE BACK--

First,  before I start on today's excitement, I have not been able to blog for a while, not because of the neuropathy, but because this is a sacred place I like to come, to get real with my feelings and come to a higher ground of healing--I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the new me--I don't like it--I feel like everything that has lead up to this moment was supposed to prepare me, but it hasn't, and I feel like a failure in so many ways--with this being said I want to lead up to today's events.

May 16 -Eric's birthday--I called and asked him to please NOT come to the hospital; I wanted him to spend some time with the family and grandkids--do something fun--being at the Mayo Clinic AGAIN is not fun--he had a tough time agreeing with this--but I insisted.

Ezra and Recker with Grandad on his birthday

I wish I could have been there, but so glad to get this picture text over to me--I love these little guys and really miss them. Eric could go to dinner with the kids and have a great time with the grandkids.

Saturday, May 17

Today, Eric brought me home from the hospital--as happy as I am to be home--I am still drugged up and cannot wait to get myself off these pain meds. If I listed the drugs I am "supposed" to be taking, it would blow your mind--it does mine--I know they are doing this to keep my pain in control, as I was in extreme pain while in the hospital. So I started slowly taking myself off them to ensure I was not in any pain. 

 I knew I did not want to go through the pain I had initially felt, so I have taken every precaution to ensure I am OK. The 1st couple of days, I slept hours upon hours--then tried bit by bit to slowly wean myself from the medicine; today, I am completely off of all pain medicine and back to the regimen I was used to before this episode.

  We arranged for a home nurse to come in and teach Eric how to administer my antibiotics twice per day through a PICC line in my upper arm. Every morning, Eric administers my medicine through my PICC line; that evening, 12 hours later, he does it again.
Last night the home care nurse came by to take blood--it was a difficult take--my PICC line was clogged up, and it took her over an hour to pull any blood out it felt as if blood was being pulled from my heart.--and I think she just barely got what she could.

Today is Wednesday, May 21.

Eric and I got up early. He wanted to be with me at this appointment today. First, he had to access my PICC line, which was extremely hard for some reason. Now both sides were clogged up, and Eric was putting all of his weight into it he was able to finally push through, with little blood return. Once that was done, we headed on our way to Mayo Clinic--I looked at myself and told Eric I don't think I have ever left my home looking like this. He didn't see anything wrong with it. My shirt was wrinkled, I had no makeup, and bruises were on my face, arms, and hands. I was a mess. 

To walk into Mayo Clinic today was excruciating. The smells hit me from every direction--I could see the people I walked past looking at me as if I had a massive tumor growing out of the side of my face. I thought I should have left my sunglasses on and worn a mask. I would look perfectly normal here--when we checked in, the receptionists saw my PICC line hanging out of my shirt and asked me if I was supposed to be on the 7th floor at the hospital (equal to the 3rd floor on the Shea Campus--ports, PICC lines, and chemo) I said, "I have no idea, the lady who called yesterday asked me to come for blood work to be done before my appointment with Dr. Barrs." I assumed she knew it was to be taken from my PICC line. She said no, it was to be drawn from a vein on my arm. I was immediately called into the lab, where she proceeded to find a vein--nope, not that one. After several attempts with insufficient blood being drawn, she tried one last time in my right hand. Yay, it worked. She was able to get just enough blood.

I found out the blood work was being ordered by my endocrinologist, who had recently changed my thyroid medicine and was checking to make sure it was a high enough dose--I suddenly remembered I had that appointment with her a couple weeks ago. Hence, she had no idea what I had been through these past weeks. 

As we stepped out into the waiting area, something was always going on, but today I was not in the mood. Still, a part of me watched as people came in and out. Today two people stood out in my mind. One was a doctor who arrived in his scrubs and sat down. He was looking around, and our eyes met, and then he was called back for labs. A man and his wife were waiting to see an ENT in the other corner of the room. He tried to speak. He had to activate his voice by putting his finger on his throat. I watched him scare the lady off her chair next to him as he leaned in to ask her a question about some video game she was playing, she apologized, and he then returned the apology. This brought the 1st smile to my face in weeks. Why? Maybe because I saw that they, too, found humor in it.

We were called back and sat in a room where we waited for a very long time, but not longer than my appointment was supposed to be. We had just gotten there too early for lab work. Dr. Barrs came in with his resident Dr. Coursin (Andy). I had been in such a foggy head the second I saw him and remembered seeing him quite often at the hospital. He is a pretty familiar face, one I enjoy seeing; he's quiet yet seems to know his stuff.

I told Dr. Barrs I had taken myself off of all pain medicine--I think he was surprised but mainly wanted me to be honest with him about whether I was feeling the pain or not. I reassured him and Eric that I was not in pain and was trying to de-fog my brain from all that junk. He agreed it was OK as long as my pain was gone.  

Then he took a look inside my ear--it is really corroded with dried blood; I was hoping they were going to clean that out today--nope, he filled it with bacitracin which was like filling my ear with Vaseline, and the hotter it gets outside, the more it melts and makes a mess. Then he asked me to come to take a seat next to Eric. He told me exactly what happened to me during my stay at the Mayo Clinic Hotel (Hospital). Within days, the nerve he covered with a graft of skin became gangrene; in other words, the nerve died. He gave Eric a picture of it; the flesh around it is healthy, but the nerve died. It was black--and is now being covered by packing in my ear.

OK, so what is the next step? Dr. Barrs begins by explaining he has a team of Doctors available to help with surgery on June 03. There were some options. Dr. Barrs explained the minimum was to cover the nerve with a muscle graft and wait. Or go in and graft over the nerve and have another doctor there to do something with the nerves in my tongue to reposition over to the nerves that are not working in my face. 

I'm sure I got some of this wrong--the whole time he was talking, I felt like I was in a charlie brown cartoon, and the teacher was talking, but my ears were not understanding--waaa waaaa waaa-- I continued to look at Eric and make sure he is taking notes.  

Eric said, "I want my wife back, and I want her to be HAPPY again," Dr. Barrs said, "if you're asking me if the right side of her face is ever going to be the same again, the answer is no. I'm sorry, but the nerve is dead, and we cannot bring something back to life that is dead. You need to start loving your wife and forget about her face ever looking the same again." I could feel the tension. Eric did not know how to respond except, "I never said I didn't love my wife. I just want to see her happy again."  

Dr. Barrs looked at Eric and said, "She needs to learn to love the new Monya. I was fond of the Monya you and I used to know, but I also love the new Monya, but I need you both to understand she will never smile again." Eric asked him if we could have a few minutes alone. When he left the room. Eric and I looked at each other with questions what should we do next? Are we being hasty in making a decision? Actually, just the opposite, we looked at each other and said, "We are not making any decisions today; we are going to wait, pray as a family, and make a decision when we are ready. With nerves, I know there is a window of opportunity, and we need to make decisions quickly. However, not today, not now, please. I'm so confused.

 Fighting back the tears, trying again to be BRAVE--I think I have finally gotten to a point where I am ready to say, "Why me?" I've done everything I've been asked to do, all Dr. Kreymerman, Dr. Magtibay, Dr. Northfelt, and now Barrs have asked of me. I have lived a life worthy of feeling joy, I know my tears are not meant as a surrender, but I'm tired. The pain is not going away, and I'm not talking about the physical pain. This pain comes from deep within me--it makes me question everything I have preached to my children to live by. I trusted Heavenly Father; why was he abandoning me?  

I believe there are times when life throws us into unexpected storms, and it's at those times we are forced to face our most profound pain--it is then that we have to dig deep and decide if the pain is worth it; I know this life gives us disappointments and HARD things come. I have been forced to stand up, be BRAVE, put on my big girl pantie,s and move on. Today, I'm not there--I just want to cry, and I deserve to cry until every drop has left my body--

After leaving Dr. Barrs's office, we headed up to the infusion floor. The seventh floor of the hospital is where the chemo is infused. The antibiotics I am being infused with twice a day are very strong and cause my body not to work as well as I am used to--I spent a bit of time in the bathroom several times while waiting to be called. Eric took care of checking me in and getting our beeper. I positioned myself in chairs so we could see the outside mountains, dessert, and sunshine.  

I kept thinking about Dr. Kreymerman; most of the time, I look forward to these visits knowing I will be able to see him and Heather and even have lunch with them between appointments. Today, Heather is not available for hours. I'm nauseous, taking in the smells of this floor, this hospital where I was just discharged from last week--it's more than I can handle. When I close the door on this place, it lets itself back in. For some reason, it enters my life uninvited. It allows me to go, but it finds me again. I can't help but wonder how many times I can pick up these pieces and start over again. 

I watched as a nurse came and got Shirley, pushed her back in the wheelchair, asking her if she was ready for her IVIG infusion today? What kind of question is that? Who says, "Hell yeah, I'm ready to. Let's go. It's a party back here?" 

This is not just passing through. This one is BIG. Just as soon as I feel I'm in a good place and can move forward, like I've let this go, it always finds me again. I can't handle it anymore. I wish I could say the tears release my pain, but in so many ways, I feel like I am constantly learning to breathe again and again. This time it's more than tears. It's the sobbing, not wanting to be left alone, I can't handle. I'm sorry this is so real and raw. I know God did not make my body a place to constantly feel this pain. I wonder how long the depression and despair will last. This is the VILLAIN taking on a different name.

 I watched as plenty of people came in and out of the infusion unit today, some bald, some carrying their chemo packs on their backs in a backpack--I was trying every way I could to have a pity party, but then someone else would step off that elevator and give me a new perspective--a man with one leg, being pushed in a wheelchair by a not so patient wife, or a patient wearing an oxygen tank.  

It took quite a while before we were called back, but a cute young, well-qualified PCC line technician finally took us back into a room. She could not access it and had to put some medicine in the line and asked us to return in an hour. We went down the elevator. I just wanted some fresh air. I heard a "code blue" at the entrance of Mayo; seriously? Could anything else happen today that would push me over the edge? Right before me, I watched a woman take her last breath. They worked as hard as they could, and I watched and wished it was me. What the hell of an exit--drop down at the entrance of Mayo Clinic on your way to your car, take your last breath, and be done, done with Mayo, done with pain, done with having to make medical decisions. Today, I have no grace left in me, no patience, no remorse, no regrets, and no feeling.

Eric was waiting for me in the cafe. He wanted to grab a bite to eat--none of it looked good, but I tried a bit of everything-- grilled cheese, tomato and arugula sandwich, hot dog (something I never order), minestrone soup, and a white chocolate raspberry bundt cake--none of these were eaten--just itty, bitty bites--As I walked outside to find the perfect table, I glanced over. I saw Tony Mendez, PA, to Dr. Barrs. He didn't even recognize me.

I've always said, "since I've done away with sugar, processed foods, and white flour, per Dr. Northfelt's request, if my cancer comes back, my final meal will be filled with all of the above" However, today showed me the exact opposite--none of this looked good to me, none of it tasted good, everything I eat tastes like metal--this is from the infusions of antibiotics. I want to throw up every time I try to eat--and it mirrors how I felt going through chemo.  

If I am honest, I would much rather be sitting in front of Dr. Northfelt and having him tell me...these exact words, "your cancer is back"  At least with cancer, it was challenging to go through. Still, the VILLAIN did not win; I hate when people say, "she or he lost their battle to cancer," but no, they didn't. Most people who go through cancer treatments come out on the other side of it a better person, a stronger person, given a chance to redeem themselves and help others to do the same. I feel this thing with the nerve in my face is not going away--I'm not sure how I can recover from this.

 I feel like I have a heavy load. I can hardly breathe right now--my strength is gone, and I'm weak--I don't think I've ever felt this emptiness I'm feeling now.  

I've asked friends and family to pray for me, to ask the Lord to heal me, or to give me strength to endure whatever is coming next. Maybe their prayers will be heard. How many times do I need to do this? Eric said softly, "You are beautiful." Today, right now, I don't want to hear that. I'm sad, I'm scared, and I'm angry.

 After we finished up my PICC line, we were given the green light to go home--I ran to the elevator, got off on the 1st floor, and ran past the piano player. As I passed the area where the lady had just passed away less than an hour ago, I glanced over and looked at the people sitting in the chairs surrounding that area and said to Eric, "I wonder if that guy knows an Angel got her wings today, exactly where he is sitting" and then I ran as fast as I could to the car I mean I was like a bull trying to get out of the pin--Eric said, "Sweetheart, you really need to keep your voice down while you're walking or running through the exit."

This has been a tough week; looking in the mirror, I am a different person--my face has partial facial paralysis, not bell palsy. I've been told it is permanent and that only 2% of people in the world have it for the same reasons I do. I don't want to look in the mirror--this is much worse than when I looked at my breasts for the first time after my mastectomy, at least then I could cover them up and have them fixed, and the baldness was hard, but it never defined me--it grew back. No, this is much worse. How can I continue in this body looking like this? So many people will say, "but your alive," or like Dr. Barrs told me today, "But you have your eyesight" Those words pierce my heart right down to my soul--I know those are supposed to be inspiring and help me to move forward, but right now I need to process what happened today.

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Curve Balls

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2013

Curve Balls

Man, life throws many curve balls, I was not expecting one that came flying at me last week.  I was Fired from my volunteer work.  Not the accomplishment I had expected, and it was devastating for me. I loved that job; I loved the people I worked with, and I especially loved all the patients who touched my life. I violated HIPAA law and took pictures of patients. First off, I just want to say they all had my permission to take their picture, and 2nd I would never post something about a patient without their consent. However, I recently had my blog redesigned, and all the journal entries I had written and drafted, were posted public without me knowing.

  They were written a year or year and a half ago, when I was asked not to mention the facility that I was volunteering for or the patients, I immediately drafted all of them for my children to have, and for myself to look back and remember. For those of you who do not know about drafting, it is a journal you write and never post for all to see but is kept secret and I eventually wanted my blog to be made into a book for my children, so I did as I was asked, and I took all the posts off my blog immediately.  To be honest, I have a ton of drafts, things I don't want the world to see but have saved for my family to read long after I'm dead and gone.

When I went to my "volunteer" job 2 weeks ago, I was called into a meeting where I was "let go" I was told if an employee had done this, they would be "let go," so they felt it was time for me to be "let go" I asked them if I could delete the entries. The answer was "you have 3 days to get them off your blog, or we will be forced to file a federal suit"  so sad, I took off my scrubs and handed in my badge out the door I went feeling like I had just been defeated by the world, I cried uncontrollably for hours, well actually the crying went on for days, I finally got it controlled to a slow tearful drip after a few days.  When I got home, I asked our attorney if this could happen to me; he said NO, that the facility I was volunteering for could not sue me for violating HIPAA laws the patient would have to be the one to sue me, --and since every one of those patients or their caregivers still email me regularly, (except for one), I contacted each person who I had ever posted about, got written permission from them or in a couple cases the patients had passed on, and I got permission from their caregivers, who by the way also asked me for a copy of what I had written, by this time I had already deleted them.  However, I told them once I had their written permission, I would send them a copy of what I had handwritten.  Each was so grateful, I had journaled, and each had already known about the experiences and the intimate talks I had with them, so it was not a surprise to any of them when I read the journaling to them.

 I'm not sure what this world is coming to, I do understand the HIPAA laws, and I do understand the right to have privacy, but I would never post something without first asking the patient. There was only one post that I had written that I felt was imposing without permission; names were never mentioned, and if this person had found it on the world wide web (1 in a billion) They could have guessed it was them I was talking about, but there were no pictures or proof.

I learned a lot from this experience, and although I think "they" were being a bit dramatic in their decision, I know the Lord has something else planned for me.  It's important for me to be in a place where I am not only needed but appreciated for the service I love to give.

Listen with Heart

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2010

Listen with your ♥

Have you ever tried to listen with your heart? It requires your soul to be in tune with what you are trying to communicate. I don't know if it is something that can be taught, but I do know when you are blessed with this unique ability, it will change your life forever, or it can change the life of the one you are trying to listen to. The Lord is trying to teach me how to do this; it scares me sometimes. Mostly it scares me because I wonder if I am spiritually in tune enough to be an instrument in HIS hands. I need to accomplish, to know when is the exact right timing. I continue to pray every day for the knowledge I need. I'm a simple-minded person, so for me, this is a stretch, but I know the Lord would not be opening up this door for me if there were no reason. I live my life by FAITH, a HOPE for a better future for all of us; listening with your heart requires some patience, so for now I am working on that.

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Hip Pain

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2010

Hip Pain

This week my hips are really in pain. It hurts to walk up and down the stairs at my house. I don't like taking the pain medicine because it makes me feel like I am giving in to it.
Also, this week I have been receiving emails from the American Cancer Society, the last email that came asked me if I was ready to purchase a wig or look at their catalog for hats and beanies..... WHAT? Been there, done that, there should be some kind of filter that lets A.C.S know we are done with chemo and moving on with our lives. I have had a bit of a bad attitude this past week, can you tell? I really don't mind getting the emails. Still, when I opened the TLC catalog, it brought back a wave of emotions and memories, Tamy and I looked at that catalog a year ago, and I considered purchasing some hats from them but decided against it. Then when I did decide to buy one, I got a prescription from my oncologist and bought one at a store close to Mayo Clinic. I never wore it, never, not even once. I think my kids and all their friends have more fun wearing that wig; even Recker wore it one day.

POSTED BY UNKNOWN AT 8:26 PM 0 COMMENTS 

DAMN VILLIAN

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2010

DANG VILLAIN

Today, my oncologist diagnosed me with the 1st stages of Osteoporosis and arthritis in my lower back. WOW, I did not see that one coming; I should have; it seems that everything they have told me I "might" get, I have gotten. I really don't know whether to scream or cry...... well actually, I did allow myself to call a little tonight on my way to work, and it felt good. Eric is out of town, so I don't have anyone to cry with....haha ok, enough of the pity party; I'm good now its been a few hours, and I can breathe.

I was excited to see the doctor today because I wanted to see if the labs would show how hard I have been working on not eating sugar, flour, or processed foods ... the surprise is he didn't say one thing about that except that "oh you've lost some weight" I thought "seriously? .... that's it? that's all he has to say about that? who cares about my weight what about the fact that I have been in deprivation of sugar for 4 months?" (except for that little trip to Paris .... I didn't tell him about that)
I knew right away that things were not going good when he said, "so, young lady, really, how have you been feeling?" it really wasn't about what he said but more of how he said it that made me feel like some bad news was coming down the pike. I told him the usual stuff, my lower back sometimes hurts, that my legs and hips hurt all the time, making it difficult to exercise and that my fingers go numb once in a while. Also, my lymphodema acts up. My arm swells up, especially now that I am on the computer at work for long periods, and let's not forget about Mr. Hotflash. Dr. Northfelt said in his low doctor voice, "we need to go over your labs"  I just knew the bad news was on the tip of his tongue, and it finally did. He showed me the x-rays, which are now clear and precise pictures of my spine, back, and bones. He explains that the pain in my hips and legs is partly because of the neuropathy I got during chemo. Still, we have a new problem, Osteoporosis caused by the Arimidex I'm taking, something I was told today I will be on indefinitely for the rest of my life. The Arthritis in my lower back was caused by the Chemo Treatments I received. DANG DANG DANG VILLAIN, I seriously don't despise you!!!!

He told me how sorry he was to tell me this because he knows I am working so hard to do everything possible to not recurrence and be such a good patient. He told me about a patient he had just met with who is diabetic and has cancer but who refuses to know her insulin counts. "I will probably be stuck with this patient for 30 years, continuing to tell her what to do to save her life, and she won't take one suggestion. I have you who do more than I suggest you do, and you are faced with another hurdle. I wanted to say, "you're right, so what do we do about it?" but I didn't. I just stared at him with some stupid look on my face.... he was sitting right in front of me, and I was seriously tempted to kick him.... hard.

Just once, I want to go to Mayo Clinic and get some good news ..... it will come, right? I can't tell if the VILLAIN is winning or if I am winning anymore. The Arimidex blocks estrogen and is precisely what stage 3 CANCER patients take to HELP them survive for many years, but on the flip side, I guess patients have to live with the sometimes consequences. Damn, VILLAIN, I hope this does not keep me from being able to do everything on my bucket list... Dr. Northfelt said within 10 years, I will be IN FULL BLOOM of OSTEOPOROSIS ..... I want to serve a mission with Eric; I want to run a marathon. How can I do these things if I am crippled? It just testifies to me more that I need to get everything done in my life that I want to do as fast as possible to create memories for those I love. I'm still planning on training for that marathon next year. Blessings will come; I just have to remember, if not in this life, they will come in the next as long as I embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

POSTED BY UNKNOWN AT 9:12 PM 2 COMMENTS 

Eiffel Tower, Cathedrals & China Town in Paris

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2010

Eiffel Tower, Cathedrals & China Town in Paris

Still Happy In Paris, today was a good day. Well, is there ever a bad day in PARIS? I ♡ PARIS


Again, I want to thank Kaitlyn and Brian for introducing me to TOMS a few months ago when I was visiting Utah. They are the best in the galaxy ... (Tamy) I have 4 pairs now.



When we stepped off the metro today in this area, I felt like I was on canal street in NYC; Eric loved this guy. Do you think he made a deal? Huh... it's Eric. Of course, he did.


This morning Eric and I decided to play a game about who could find the most unique person of the day.
RULES:

1. It cannot be a person with an unfortunate disability
2. The uniqueness has to be self-induced
3. You have to get a picture

I think I won, the lady with pink hair ✔
Eric's choice is the guy in the metro with extremely short shorts and feeling very comfortable with himself.




We got some pictures at the Eiffel Tower but decided we would go back on a different day to climb it. If we get tickets, we won't have to wait in line, and the tickets are only available online 48 hours before.



I love the police cars, and when they have sirens going off, I get a huge smile on my face. The sound of them reminds me of a spy movie... I know, weird, huh?⁇¿⁉


If I lived here, this would be my cute little flat; look how pretty the flowers are in the windows.❁❀❀❀


This guy was selling corn he was grilling; it seems everyone loves it, and these guys begged me to take their picture ...!!



Le Sacre' Coeur ... a cathedral that sits on top of a mountain, it was beautiful, but many, many steps to the top... it overlooks all of Paris. We could actually walk through the Cathedral while they had a mass, and it was fascinating.


These Violinists played the most beautiful music outside of one of the Cathedrals.


The USA could use some lessons on how to build a porta-potty. These are some seriously lovely toilets.


This is how we roll ..... well, not really.


The metro is how we roll.... in fact, we have so much fun on the metro that sometimes Frenchie and I get on the train, pretend we don't know each other, make sexy eyes, and kissy faces back and forth as if we are trying to flirt ... wink... I'm pretty sure my kids want to throw up right now.


Moulin Rouge .... not my favorite part of Paris, but it still needs to be seen.


Famous Fashion District of Paris... I thought for sure I would see Katie Holmes and Suri but no such luck today.


This beautiful gown reminded me of Haleigh; she is our little fashion-conscious girl.


Eric enjoyed this part of the day, a car expo, I don't even know what kind of cars these are, but he liked 'em.




There are seven levels of Louis Vuitton; it's also the original store .... some severe money in this store $$$$


Paris .... the cars are so small, you can hang them on your wall.

POSTED BY BonBonAT 1:02 PM 3 COMMENTS 

My Hair

 

SATURDAY, JULY 31, 2010

My Hair

Ok, so many people have asked me lately since my hair is growing has Kara colored it? and I can proudly say no, I have not had anything put on my hair since I lost it all to Chemo I wish my hair was a little lighter but I'm not ready for an appointment with Kara yet. When my hair is wet, it's curly, really curly, I have to comb it down while it's wet to take the curl out. I am so excited to have curly hair, it's always been completely straight so this is something new for me. I love that I can actually run my fingers through my hair now, I measured it today and it's one inch on the first layer. The top layers of hair are now starting to grow up and out, a little uncontrollable and I love it.

Live and Die with no Regrets

 

MONDAY, JULY 19, 2010

Live and Die with no Regrets

I will be seeing Dr. Kreymerman on Wednesday. I asked Tamy if she would mind going with me; she seems to be able to calm me down when I have my anxiety, and she is comfortable with Dr. Kreymerman and his staff. Knowing she will be with me, I feel much better about the trip to the Mayo Clinic Hospital; besides, going to lunch afterward is a massive highlight of my week.

I've heard people say when someone is struck by a sudden heart attack or someone who dies in their sleep, "it was a good way to go," and maybe it is. However, it's an end that leaves us without any chances for preparation, exchanges of feelings, or an occasion to get closure on an incomplete relationship. I don't want this for myself; no matter what I end up dying from, I want to be able to take time with my family and friends.

Today the word "cancer" is no longer a death sentence for everyone it strikes. That dark cloud is hovering over my head and many other cancer patients. 

Cancer has given me time to think about my life and how I want to spend the rest of it. It's time for me to start living instead of thinking about death. I want to look back with dignity and integrity on that day. I want to say farewell with a feeling of peace; I want my children and grandchildren to know how much I adore and love them. I hope I have been a good example; I failed many times as a mother. My children have no idea how I love each of them for their strengths and weaknesses.

Going through this journey with the VILLAIN has allowed me to meet other cancer survivors. One common thing that I've noticed is that there is a fear of unfinished stories. Regrets and a desire for more time with the ones to finally forgive those who have offended you. I am learning to forgive myself and know that the Atonement will take care of it.

When we turn the page to a new life, we leave behind some old habits and begin looking to our future with eyes wide open and a heart full of love and appreciation far beyond what we ever thought we could. I think it would be easier to ignore our own imperfections if we did this.
Yes, it is true I may die earlier than I could have foreseen, but it is also possible that I'll live much longer; whatever happens, I'm going to live my life as well as I can; for me, it's the only way to prepare for whatever happens.

Redneck Mullet

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16, 2010

Redneck Mullet

This morning I woke up, looked in the mirror, and guess what? My hair was messed up and out of place; I could actually tell I had slept on it..... woo hoo ...... I'm doing the dance .... hands in the air ...... woo hoo ....... spinning around ...... yeah yeah ......
Until today, every morning, it was lying to one side looking like it did the night before, but today it is standing at attention like a soldier in the army, which means it's growing enough to show the morning hair look. I measured it today, and it's about 3/4 of an inch long. Still not long enough to style it the way I want to. Wait, who am I kidding? I won't be styling it for a while, but this is progress. I'm excited. Not even Mr. Hot Flash can upset me today. I wonder how long until I can call Kara? I saw Kara recently and asked her about that; she told me that the back of my hair will start to grow faster and longer than the front, and I will know when it's time. So when I start to get the mullet look, it's time. That won't be for a while, though, I never thought I would be looking forward to a redneck mullet, but I am. Haha!!!