Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

 

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2014

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

There is not much to say; I went to Mayo Clinic today and will be back tomorrow. Today, my ear has suddenly decided to turn for the worse. Yesterday I woke up with black on my pillow; I thought it might be some dried blood, but no such luck--it was fresh and black, but it was also Easter, and I wanted to spend a wonderful day with my family.
I felt really dizzy most of the day and had problems during sacrament concentrating as my ear was pounding in my head like a heartbeat. When I bowed my head during prayer, I thought my head was going to explode, and the equilibrium was off when I stood up. I saw Stephen Phelps on the stand and focused on the fact that I knew he was in pain too...sounds strange, but it was my way at that time of distracting myself. He is such an inspiration; few know of the pain he has, yet every week he's there playing the organ so beautifully; his testimony through his music plays directly to my heart every time.
I wore a shirt today that said, "Don't forget to Smile" I love that shirt--today, it helped me to get past the complaining passengers who were upset about their seat assignment or the guy who could not understand why US Airways would not allow him to bring his sheep on board to ride with the rest of the customers---???  !!!  Yeah, those are the calls I get, my friend who sits next to me is always listening to my calls, he draws a big smiley face and tacks it on the wall in front of me--so today I wore that shirt for Frank.
I met up with my dear friend Jori today; we had an hour or so to visit while we both got manicures. She is trying to move forward after the loss of her son CJ. She explained her Easter Sunday, my heart was whole; and I was trying to hold back the tears when she described the day. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I could not handle that one--losing a child is not something I want to ever endure, but if I do, Jori will be the one I go to. She's strong and has wisdom I could use.
Tonight, I want to be strong like the branches of a tree when a storm is raging. Time to get back down on my knees and ask Him to help me be strong like the wind--hoping that wind will push me further up this hill I'm climbing.
I've done all I can, listened to my doctors, taken my medicine, and tried the natural path; now it's time for me to decide if what I preach I can put into action. While at the doctor today, the cute resident who is usually there was not seeing me; I'm not sure if she is in that department anymore. Today I saw another adorable resident; he looked in my ear, didn't say much, and left the room to get Dr. Barr's. When he came in, I said while holding out my shirt, "don't forget to smile" trying to keep the energy positive, he said, "I hope you can smile" I was sure he was going to tell me all was well in the journey of my ear problems. Boy, was I off. It was the opposite. He brought in Kathleen, his nurse, to look, then he and she sucked out what they could. They rattled off a bunch of medical terms I'm not aware of, and I was told he wants to get this surgery ASAP--when Kathleen mentioned tomorrow--I was a little shocked--I'm not being given any choices? I guess I've been hoping to put off the inevitable; I thought I would be more intelligent than the doctor----big mistake---he's made an earthquake shake my soul today. So much for that "don't forget to smile" shirt.
Am I missing something? I've wanted to move out of the shadows and into the sun, taking baby steps and reconnecting with friends. I'm finally comfortable where I am in my life; an occasional visit to Mayo Clinic would be OK, but these weekly visits annoy me. Dr. Northfelt can't tell me I'm cancer free, but I've learned to live with that, cope with it, and trust in Him. Today I felt more alone than I have in an exceptionally long time. I had an appointment after Mayo Clinic; when I left, I pulled over my car and cried a river, then said a prayer, listened for an answer--NOTHING! When searching for answers in the past, I've always trusted He will answer back; he's always shown me that I can handle any trial that comes my way, I've always felt Him beside me, but today, I didn't feel it.

I'm scared; I know he knows my strength; I know He understands where my heart is; what is wrong this time? I feel like I'm being pulled back into that black hole that took me 4 years to crawl out of. I need my friends, I want to be with them, but I don't ever want them to see me like I was today. Tomorrow, Mayo Clinic will show up on my caller ID. I often want to go back to the days of no cell phones. I wish I could find the happiness I'm looking for. Tonight, it's time for me to get to sleep; it's quiet here; Eric is asleep. I haven't even had time to talk to him today. These surgeries will put me so far behind my goals--but for now, I'm going to bed, hopefully sleeping until 4:30, when I will rise up and start my day again. I said, "I will not have another surgery, no more; I'm done; it's time to let it go and leave it in the Lord's hands."  I guess taking the rain with the sunshine is the only way I will get to see the rainbows.

Move a Mountain

 

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2013

Move a Mountain

Sunday, my daughter Kaitlyn, and her husband Brian were asked to speak in church about FAITH. I was moved by their talks; Kaitlyn told of her respect and love for the FAITH her brother showed as he went out to serve a mission for the Lord in the Dominican Republic. She spoke of how he left behind so much as he journeyed out into the unknown. Relying entirely on the strength within himself and the Lord to help him through two years. When he left, he was twenty-one years old and had been struggling with some of his own demons and trials. Through those struggles, he was blessed with the ability to pull himself out of the hole he dug himself into by moving mountains with his Faith. She continued to explain to him the great blessings that would be his if he would obey and follow the gospel plan the Lord had set in motion for him.  

I know he was under the amount of worry and pain as he left our home. Still, I will never forget the look of pride when he walked into the MTC--There was a little bit of fear in both him and me. Oh, how my heart ached for him, yes, I knew Blake was worthy of being there, but that was not what put me in such anguish. Being his mother, I knew it would be the most rewarding thing he had ever accomplished and the most challenging two years of his life. The people he loved the most in the world would be facing some life-changing moments in their lives. He would not be attending his sister's wedding, the birth of our first grandchild, or the graduation of his youngest sister. But the most troubling part for me was what had I done to prepare him? I felt helpless. I, too, had to put all my Faith in the Lord and rely on him to protect and watch over my son, to lead him in direct passages that would eventually bring him home to us safe and worthy to stand as a witness. My eyes were constantly teary, wondering how he was doing, knowing he was worried about my diagnosis of cancer and that he could not be here to comfort me. He didn't know that I felt his loving arms around me on more than one or two occasions. He showed tremendous amounts of Faith while he served. I am still overwhelmed by some of the mission stories he has told me. He left unsure of the gospel, uncertain of his future, and insecure if he would ever see his mother again. Still, he came home with a perfect knowledge that the gospel is true, knowing that his future is bright if he continues to follow God's plan for him, and he came home to a mom that welcomed him with open arms and a huge heart. Kaitlyn is right, Blake is excellent, and I continue to thank Heavenly Father every day for the great man he has turned out to be--

Brian's talk was equally touching; as I listened to him speak, tears filled my eyes and eventually streamed down my cheeks. As I listened intently to the words that came out of his mouth. These words were not ordinary. He was telling the story of my life without using my name. I was prepared to hear him speak about his grandfather, who undoubtedly taught Brian the principle of FAITH. Brian and Kaitlyn have talked about him several times with sweet regard to his knowledge of the gospel, and I know he has been a forcing influence in Brian and Kaitlyn's lives.
However, in this talk he gave about FAITH, he was telling the story of a young baby girl born into a broken family. parents who were battling one with another, her father who, because of drugs and alcohol, led him to the pathway to prison. When her mother was remarried, this new father's role in her life abused her physically, mentally, and sexually. Tears began to run down Brian's cheeks, and I could hear the lump in his throat as he tried to continue with the story. He talked about how this daughter of God had made promises to the Lord and stayed worthy and close to her Heavenly Father yet abuse and trials still are a big part of her life. When she was in her twenties, another test of Faith came when she faced the death of her younger brother, yet she continued to trust in the Lord and give her heart and soul to the church and others she served. As Brian was saying these words aloud, I was becoming increasingly agitated in my seat, the anxiety was starting to surface, and I was not sure I would be able to hide it from Eric. It was like watching your life flash before your eyes, but from a different perspective than what you actually lived. It sounded so easy as Brian described my life. Not necessarily easy was the life, but easy was the FAITH he told me as having. It has caused me to think the last few days, do I have that FAITH engraved in my soul? I certainly don't remember feeling as though I was showing great Faith; it felt more like survival mode I was in--negotiations were happening daily with the Lord--"get me out of this alive, and I will serve you, I promise." 
Brian continued with his talk, speaking of the cancer I was diagnosed with, I really had no idea that my cancer had been seen by anyone as a FAITH builder...I know I speak a lot about having HOPE and FAITH, but never realized those words have penetrated the souls of some of my family members.

In challenging times, it is so easy to give up and turn away from the very thing that can help us through the fiercest adversity of our lives. I know it is impossible to predict an end to our trials and problems of life, but I know I can promise this bit of HOPE if we have FAITH in Jesus Christ, the hard times, as well as the good times, can be a great blessing to us, this strength will give us FAITH to move a mountain.

Negotiations with the Lord

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2012

Negotiations With the Lord

When I was fourteen years old, I prayed to Heavenly Father, asking him to please get me out of the toxic environment I was living in, and I would promise to follow him and serve.

I also pleaded with the Lord when I was diagnosed with cancer to let me live long enough to see my son come home from his mission. HE DID.

Once Blake got home, I asked again to let me live long enough to see Haleigh find the love of her life and get married in the Temple. She's engaged to be married in March.

When Eric's mother was alive and first diagnosed with breast cancer, she asked her husband Ray to give her a blessing. She told him that all she wanted was to live long enough to see her three boys go on missions. She went into remission for approximately 14 years. When Kurt, her youngest boy, came home from his mission, her cancer returned, and within a few months, she passed away.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and 3 years since my first negotiations started. I have a feeling negotiations are going to end. I promised my family I would make some decisions about moving forward with health issues after the Holidays, and the "Holidays" are coming and going too soon. I'm not ready. However, I did put it on my calendar to make an appointment with my pain doctor at Mayo Clinic --which means it's on my calendar to call them, and I will.

I'm making some progress as we wind down this year and start 2013. I have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Friday, January 04, with my new endocrinologist Dr. Roust. I saw Dr. Magitbay (my gyno oncologist) a couple of weeks ago, and he said things look good. I know it's baby steps towards some answers, but I'm making them. I also have some tests on the calendar, and my family will be happy.

This time of year brings on a lot of emotions for me and has for years. It used to be because I was not with my mom and sharing the holidays with her, knowing she would be alone, and she chose not to soften her heart. Now, I appreciate the Holidays, and I love the spirit it brings into my heart. 3 years ago, my friends and family put up all my Christmas decorations while I threw up and felt the pain of chemo raging through my body. I don't think I had given enough attention or appreciation for what Eric and the rest of my family were going through then.

 I often talk to the caregivers where I volunteer. One common thread that I have noticed is that they feel helpless, constantly feeling angry but not exactly knowing who to be mad with or why they are angry. Recently I received an email from one of our patient's caregivers. She wanted to see if it was "normal" to feel her anger after losing her friend. She wanted to know what she could have done to better serve her friend. When you are struck with a cancer diagnosis, there is no NORMAL to life. I have learned from volunteering that people going through this journey often differ entirely from their caregivers. I'm so grateful I can volunteer. Many people have said to me, "why would you want to be around that environment, after all you've been through?" to those people, I always smile and say, "why wouldn't I?" I'm learning more about myself and my sweet husband (the caregiver) from volunteering than I would have ever learned. I am so thankful for Eric, he was the best caregiver I could have ever had during my treatments, and he continues to be strong and the best cheerleader for me as I visit Mayo Clinic.

So as I ask the question, "are we allowed to negotiate with the Lord?" my conclusion is and always has been that we are not in control of our lives, we can make promises, and I believe the Lord will keep his promises to us. Still, life happens, and all around us are people who need our attention and need our love, we may not understand why some trials come into our lives, I sure don't, but I do believe, at least for me, I have learned so much about myself these past few years, I don't want to go back there. However, the experience has softened my heart and helped me be more compassionate, and if you know me well, you know this is a great accomplishment for me.  

2013--bring it on--even with that number 13, I detest--

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Neuropathy

 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2011

Neuropathy

Just when I thought I was done with neuropathy.... surprise, it's back. My legs feel like the nerves have been exposed to the air again, and the pain is sometimes excruciating. I am learning that a small percentage of people who get neuropathy from the effects of chemo must deal with it off and on for life--yes, I am one of those people--no big deal, I can handle it--
Today when I was at work, one of my friends I had not seen for a while came over to talk to me. She was wearing a pink beanie to cover her bald head--she went through a double mastectomy a year and a half before I did (stage 2). Now, it has metastasized to her lungs--she showed me the X-rays --I cannot stop thinking about her today. Cancer really is this ugly VILLAIN, it invades lives, and just when you think you've turned a corner looking to a bright future, BOOM, it's back to haunt and taunt you. Whether a recurrence or side effects, it never goes away.

Mayo Clinic Visit

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2011

Mayo Clinic Visit-

Needle for accessing my PORT

I went to Mayo Hospital yesterday for some tests..... still looking at that hip. It was a year ago this month that I finished up my radiation treatments. One of the doctors told me yesterday that Mayo is building a new radiation department at the Hospital. He explained how the new system is so precise that it hits the tumor no matter what size at a 99.9% effectiveness rate, with no room for error. This is so awesome for the world of cancer.

Yesterday as I walked into the Mayo Hospital, I felt calm and at peace until ........ I stepped off the elevator onto the floor, the floor where it all goes down, you know what floor I mean? The chemo floor reeked of chemo smell and made me sick to my stomach; as I waited outside the door for my beeper to go off, I was pacing and remembering and wishing Tamy was there to help me "get over" this panic attack I was having. I mean, seriously? It's been over a year since I've been done with chemo, yet I am sick every time I get there. When I walked into the room, I immediately saw a young girl undergoing chemo treatments. She could not have been more than 16-17 years old. My heart started to race as I sat across from her and watched her being injected with that RED dragon. The nurse took my vitals and said I needed to calm down; I thought to myself, "I wish I could, I really wish I knew a way to do that" She accessed my port, took my blood, and I was outta there. When I got to my car, I had to take a deep breath and remember where I'd been, how far I had come, and where I was going--

Chemo Brain

 

MONDAY, JUNE 13, 2011

Chemo Brain

I feel the best I have felt in 2 years; thank you, Heavenly Father, my prayers have been answered. Blake will be home in 3 short months, and I want to look healthy for him. My hip pain has subsided. It's extraordinary. There's a spot on the bone they still are not sure what it is; once I started to exercise again, the pain went away. I also came back from MLOA to US AIRWAYS about 6 weeks ago. Seriously I had no idea how smart I used to be.... haha! I

I was diagnosed with chemo brain; I forget things all the time. I forget my children's names even when they are looking right at me, and I forget simple daily things that should come easy to remember. Now that I am back to work, I realize how much knowledge I had, and being re-trained has been difficult. I have to write everything down. Just so you know, chemo brain is an actual condition some patients get after undergoing extensive amounts of chemo... boy, that's good to know. I was beginning to think I had the start of something new like Alzheimer's or dementia; those are awful diagnoses to have.  
It's fun to see people at work I have not seen for a long time; some will look at me and say, "Oh, did you cut your hair?"  I just smile and say, "why yes, yes I did"  I am only working 4-hour shifts a couple days a week, but I am thankful to be back to work and challenge my brain a little. I feel like my life is finally getting back to a "Normal" I can live with.

MRI Results

 

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2011

MRI Results

Still not exactly sure what is going on with my hip pain. I am now being referred to an orthopedic surgeon.
The "spot" on my hip is still there. It has something to do with my lumbar; they will try to inject it to help relieve the pain. I am still so thankful for the results of my bone scan. Mayo Clinic even sent me a written page of results; seeing it in writing, "no bone metastasis," made me smile. It has been an emotional couple of weeks for me, and now I finally feel like I'm beginning a new chapter. I wish I could articulate exactly how overwhelmed and grateful Eric and I are. I'm not sure why the Lord has chosen to bless us over and over again. Still, I continue to pray and tell HIM how thankful I am that he listens and answers.

Pain and Purple Tulips

SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2011

Pain and Purple Tulips

Saturday, I watched conference, and the talk that stood out to me the most was Kent Richards of the Seventy. He spoke about pain. I loved when he said, "The Savior is not a silent observer. He knows personally and infinitely the pain that we face." Those words will stay in my heart and mind as I face this next week. I certainly feel peace and comfort; I know that whatever the Lord has in store for me, it is His plan, and with His help, I will follow God's plan for me.
Over the last few days, the pain in my hip has escalated. I finally called Dr. Northfelt's office Thursday, and Maryann called in a prescription for the pain. I'm sad when I think about going back on pain medicines; it feels like I'm going backward instead of forward. I refuse to take the pain medicine unless it gets to at least a 7 on a scale from 1-10, and I won't take it during the day when I watch Recker. The pain got so bad I could hardly walk, and I even cried yesterday when I was at Costco getting some last-minute things for dinner. Kayla begged me to take some medicine, but I wanted to spend some time with my family tonight. 

I realize I need to do as the doctors are telling me, at least until we have a diagnosis and can find out what the culprit of all this pain is; however, my family means the world to me, and if I have to be in a bit of discomfort just to have some fun time with them, then dang it I will. I am hoping for another miracle. Is it selfish to ask for one more? I believe the miracle we received after my last surgery was such an incredible modern-day blessing, and we needed it. I still thank Heavenly Father for that miracle.
I received a  bouquet of beautiful Purple Tulips; I love all the spring colors and flowers, and they smell like Heaven; thank you to whoever you are that had those sent to me; it really made my day. I also received a beautiful bouquet of flowers the day before, and someone dropped them off at my door. Still, I don't know who you are but thank you so much; those acts of kindness cheer up the sad and make me feel glad, glad I have people in my life who love my family so much and who don't care about getting recognized for it, you are true Angels on Errands, and I love You.

 

Bone Scan

 

MONDAY, MARCH 28, 2011

Bone Scan

Maryann called me on Friday to inform me that my bone scan is scheduled for Monday, April 4. My blood work returned elevated, consistent with what they see in a patient whose cancer has metastasized and would explain the pain in my right hip bone. They will schedule the rest of the scans once we get the results back from the bone scan. Eric and I are trying to be positive. Even if cancer has metastasized, we will deal with it then. My ward has a fast for myself and 3 other people in our ward on Thursday night, starting with the evening meal and ending on Friday with the evening meal; if anyone would like to join us.... the Lord listens, and the Lord answers prayers..... right now I am praying for comfort and peace.

Spring Break Comes to an End :(

SATURDAY, MARCH 19, 2011

Spring Break Comes To An End :(

Haleigh, Me, and Kaitlyn at our Favorite Guacamole Place
In Rocky Point--Ramones

This is our group, all great kids

Haleigh, Hales, Emily, Me, and Kaitlyn

we decided to head home to the United States of America today. I have not been feeling well the last few days, and Haleigh has Easter Pageant Rehearsals.   I am tired and want to sleep, but I think it will be one of those insomnia nights. We had such a great time in Mexico this year. However, there is nothing better than getting home and seeing my sweet grandson; he looked huge to me; I missed him the most.

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I know my redeemer Lives

 

I know my redeemer lives

Be True To Yourself

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2011

Be True To Yourself

What does it mean to live your true self? I have heard that phrase so many times, and every time I have listened to it, I get confused and ignore it. Recently I heard  someone say, "Are you living your true self?"
Ok, it finally sunk in after days of pondering those words TRUE SELF. For me, it is being the same person when I am alone as I am with people. It is true to myself by doing what I know to be good and honest, and trustworthy, whether anyone else in the group agrees with my way of thinking or not. It's not compromising my standards for anyone, no matter what. I think I have always been that type of person. However, there have been times in my life where I have gone along with the crowd because it seemed like the right thing to do, then later had regrets and maybe even had to repent. I realize now more than ever that life is too short to not "like" yourself. Forget about loving yourself. It all starts with whether you can stand to be around yourself if you live a lie.   

For example, I am not one to say that every single day for all of my life, I have knelt down every morning to pray or that no days have gone by without me reading and studying my scriptures. I have no problem saying I need to work on those things. I wake up every morning wanting to be a better person when I go to bed tonight than last night, not to impress anyone,  but because I know it is best for my family and me. I do feel like I have gotten to a place in my life where I am "Good With God," and what that means to me might mean something different to the next person. Still, honestly, if I were to die today, I would die knowing I was a good person who tried my hardest to be true to myself and everyone around me. I am far from perfect, but I am grateful for the knowledge I have that our Heavenly Father's son Jesus Christ died for all of our sins, even the little ones like judging someone or thinking a wrong thought about someone who hurt your feelings. I am human and will make mistakes; I love that the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows me to say sorry, usually every day. It's all about being true to yourself because, in the end, you are the one who has to live with YOU, and only you are the one who knows what needs fixin' and what is good to go. I love you all...
today I am grateful for my sweet husband-oh how I love that man

Anxiety-Insomnia-and Finding Peace

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011

Anxiety-Insomnia-and Finding Peace

I am trying to learn to control the thoughts that bombard my brain. The flashbacks I get seem to be uncontrollable for me right now, creating anxiety and insomnia. I believe that my last surgery was not about CANCER, although I can still accept it as a Miracle in my life. I can also realistically assume that there are things from my past that have haunted me for years. I believe Heavenly Father put that miracle in my life for a purpose. He is trying to teach me to deal with my past and come to a place in my life where I can LIVE FREE, free from the demons that constantly create these horrible flashbacks. When someone tells you, "don't be anxious, or think of something else while you are trying to sleep," Those statements in themself create anxiety. Trying not to think about sleeping makes me want to sleep so badly, but I can't because I have worked myself into such an anxiety attack that now it is too late. I never had anxiety or insomnia before the VILLAIN decided to invade my life, but now that I have it, I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. Now that I have had this hysterectomy, it is getting worse. The anxiety that built up inside me just to get myself to have the surgery still lingers in my thoughts and feelings. The appointment with Dr. Magitbay next week is constantly on my mind, and I am scared to go.
My right breast hurts so bad, and I wonder if cancer has taken up residency again. It is this vicious cycle that Cancer patients go through. I'm sure it's nothing, but in the back of my head is that silly thought. The Lord has been so patient and loving to me, and I thank him forever for things and every one good in my life. With HIM, I know there is nothing I cannot endure. I try to find peaceful moments every day to reflect on all that HE has given me.

Still a little Out of it

 

MONDAY, JANUARY 10, 2011

Still a little Out of IT

This is what I wrote down as I waited at the Mayo Friday. My hands are shaking so bad, and my thoughts are with Trys; it's hard to believe we are both having surgery today-her in Rochester Mayo and in Scottsdale Mayo. Walking from the car through the Mayo hospital doors, I told Eric feels like I was walking the Green Mile. It's 9:30 am, check-in time. The sitting, anticipating, watching, waiting, and the pacing are terrible. I hate this part. I feel like I need to throw up. My stomach is sick, partly because of my nerves and somewhat because Mayo smells of sickness today! I'm in my most comfy jammies with my breast cancer blanket wrapped around me; Eric is rubbing my back and reassuring me...this waiting is terrible. I am going into the OR today with 3 wallet-size pictures, one of Eric and me in Paris, one of Recker, and the last of me letting balloons go to Heaven for Paige; this one reminds me to let go and then let the Lord do his stuff. They finally called my name over the loudspeaker to take me back for pre-op. They tell Eric he can come back in about 40 minutes before I go into the surgery.

I know the routine. It's always the same, only this time I am petrified. I'm shaking and in a fetal position. Dr. Magtibay comes in to see me and tells me it's all going to be okay. As soon as he left, I curled up under my blanket and cried like a baby, I could hear nurses coming into the room and scurrying around, but I didn't take my head out until one asked me if I was okay; I said "I'm fine"  then I wonder what is happening to Trys right now, is she alright? While going into the OR, the nurse told me she liked my blanket and that Recker was such a cute little boy; I was clinging to those pictures; they helped take my mind off what was about to happen. I got the best surprise ever....while I was waiting in the OR for them to put me out, Dr. Kreymerman came in to see me; he stayed until I went to sleep. He will never know what that meant to me, his face was the last one I saw, and his voice was the last I heard; thanks, PK, you really are the best doctor in the Universe. I will miss you the most; how many doctors leave their office and go to the hospital to see a patient get put to sleep for another doctor's surgery? All because he knew I was scared... I love Doctor Peter Kreymerman.
I woke up in recovery and was ready to go home; I just wanted to get out of there, not physically but mentally. I have this love/hate relationship with Mayo Hospital. I remember waking up and asking about Trystan; how is she? They had no idea who I was talking about. Where is my husband? Where is my uterus? The nurse said, "are you in pain?"  I responded 'very much so" "FROM ONE TO TEN, HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR PAIN?"  well, I'd say when it gets to the point that I want to kick you, then it's time; I hate pain meds, and will put them off as long as I can but....... it's time, right now, or I will start kicking and screaming. My post-op nurse was so lovely. She stayed with me until I went to my room on the 7th floor. Room 64. Never been to this room. I always come to the 7th floor, though.
Taking me from the OR bed to the regular room bed was difficult; I had to lift my weight, and I did well. They readjusted me a little, but I could see some blood. They quickly replaced that with a clean sheet. Thank you. I don't remember much about this night except my children came to visit, and Recker was all over the place. He laid his head on my shoulder a few times and gave me a little kiss.
If I stayed awake to enjoy them, I don't remember, I just remember waking up with Eric in a bed on the floor next to me, and right now, as I write this, I am dozing off....so I will write a bit more later