Trust in God

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2014

Trust in God

Another night of insomnia; I cannot stop thinking about The Wentworth Family tonight. Our girls danced together for years; Darbie and Sierra have always had a special place in my heart, especially offering their personal prayers for me when needed. As I knelt to pray tonight, I asked God to wrap his arms in and around their hearts and comfort them with His love. I have perfect knowledge that their son Buddy is being watched over and taken care of, he is in a peaceful place that is nothing like earth, and he will be with his family again.

I recently received this bookmark from a dear friend, who I admire and love for her strength and love of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She, too, lost her son; it just never seems fair that a child should go to Heaven before their parents. Living in this world, we face so many challenges, and what makes it all worth it is knowing the Savior died for us; we have knowledge of the Atonement. We hear, "The Lord never gives us trials we cannot endure"  I have had some bumps along the way, especially in the last few years, but I am grateful the Lord knows I could not handle losing a child or grandchild. I'd instead take on any pain or heartache to keep my children and grandchildren safe from harm.

I love this...Thank You, Carla Kelly. I see this every day
when I read, and it reminds me of great promises.

Even when we are feeling broken, we are loved. It's hard to heal from a tragedy like this, but the hands of mercy and grace offer us a peaceful feeling of HOPE and FAITH in something bigger than ourselves. I know I am loved; I know He is aware of me, and I know what I must do to return with honor to Him and live with my family forever. There is a reason we are all here on earth, we are all children of infinite worth, and we are part of His eternal plan; we may not always understand what that means, but as we discover His unconditional love for us as individuals, we start to understand just how hard it is for Him to see us suffer, we are His children. I know I've had to turn to the Lord for peace on days when I no longer wanted to be here. Searching for your soul and discovering who you are, I mean the REAL authentic person you are, has been more fulfilling than anything I have learned in the past 51 years.

Mom's Funeral

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2013

Mom's Funeral

My nephew Ronny 

November 19, 2013, Tuesday
Today, my sisters and I attended the funeral services for our mother. It's difficult to describe how I felt. I was drawn closer to her by listening to her cousin, Mary Joyce, speak of mom's earlier years when she was a young girl and teenager. Mom never talked much about those days, so it was nice to hear and learn about her life's fun, happy side. All is Holy in the house of God, and I was trying my hardest to feel heaven there.

Linda, Myself, and Dottie (Linda's mom)

Linda is one of my besties- I love her.

Susan and Ron Lundberg (mom's closest friends)

 I am grateful for my friends who supported me and did not let the influence of "not knowing" my mom keep them from coming to support me. I needed you there, and I so appreciate Millie. We have been friends for 15 years. She had no idea of my life before Gilbert, yet because of her Christian spirit, she came and loved me through it. She also brought enchiladas to my family for Sunday dinner. She will and always be close to my heart. Linda, my friend from childhood, she and her mother drove far to be here, and I will always love Linda for her unconditional love, especially having known my parents made it special to me to have her there. Last, my dear friend Jenny Ruttinger texted me and said, "I know this will be hard for you. I will be sitting with you," and she did. We've been through a lot together in the past 20+ years. No questions asked. I knew she would be there for me. Eric and I decided we wanted to position ourselves perfectly to see and watch Stephen Phelps play the organ. I always feel the spirit and peace when I listen to him play. He and his wife have been a tremendous example for me as we have tried to raise our children by their example. Eric and I spoke about him many times this past week, knowing it would be difficult for him physically to play, and it would have been OK if he couldn't come, but he did, and I know he did it just for me. I love you, Stephen and Carolei. You have been an example to me for over 20 years and continue to amaze me with your loving hearts.

Jenny--I love you

November 20, 2013, Wednesday
As I post this, Eric and I are in Mexico, spending some time at our condominium. He needed to fix our freezer (well, I say him, but those of you who know my "Tim, the tool man" knows he will hire someone to fix it.)  He wanted me to come last week and was leaving for Mexico on the day he got the text from me saying my mother had passed. This week he has been begging me to come with him, and I have not wanted to go, mostly because I think some of those depression and unresolved issues are unsettling. Eric knows me so well. He knew if I stayed home, I would lay around and try to figure out the whys. Then became depressed and anxious, so I'm glad I came with him.

 Being here draws me closer to Heavenly Father. I can sit on the sand, watch the ocean waves come gently in and out and see the hand of the Lord pick me up and keep me from getting carried away in those waves. Honestly, I have so many emotions stirring up inside of me. Although what I am saying is entirely from my heart, and I am being true to myself, I know it will confuse some people.

I want to remember and write some of my fond memories of mom. Our kitchen was always our gathering place, and I loved sitting, watching, and learning from her. There were 3 things I remember distinctly about my mom during Christmas--she always made Red Velvet Cake and sprinkled the green and red sparkles to top it off. She also taught me how to make her Cranberry Meatballs, a Christmas Eve Tradition in our home. Lastly, she made cheese balls and gave them to friends and anyone she knew who needed a little boost during the holidays. Eric and I still carry on this tradition, so if you get a cheese ball during the holiday month, it's because our family loves you--DON"T THROW IT AWAY. Mom grew her own small cucumbers and taught me how to pickle them. I loved her homegrown pickles. I went to a girls' camp every year, and she was there. It was comforting to have my mom with us at Camp Lo Mia; all the girls in the Stake loved her. I wanted to be just like that. I wanted to work in Young Women's like she did, go to girl's camp like she did, and enjoy all the blessings from serving in YW. I have not had an opportunity to serve in the YW program for more than 6 months, but I was able to be our ward camp director for several years. I also remember my mom giving me the first compliment I can remember. She said, "Monya, you can get upset or mad, spit it out, then let it go; I like that about you" When Elvis Presley died, I was mowing the lawn and remember coming into the house to get a drink of water, she was crying, she really loved music, that is probably why I love music so much. I'll never forget telling my mother over the phone that my brother had died; she was heartbroken; she screamed "No, no" repeatedly and then threw the phone.

Mom is with Lance now.

I have tried to write and re-write to avoid offending anyone; I've decided journaling is a good thing for ME (maybe not how YOU would handle it) to be real; I've hidden for too many years. So--to all of you who have written me emails criticizing me for the things I blog about all I can say to you, my intentions are in the right place and coming from an authentic real me. You did not live my life and are not living my journey now. You saw my mom give endless hours of service to others, including some of you, and she did it not because she was Relief Society President, she did it because she wanted to serve; I'm so grateful for her example to me in that regard, and for the last thing on this subject, those of you who have emailed me with your criticism, I noticed not one of you took time to show your respect to my mother and come to her funeral. So please do not bother sending me a follow-up email--I said it, was upset about what you said, and now I'm over it. This is in the Lord's hands now, and I honestly believe my mother wanted the goal that myself and my sisters wanted, for our family to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but it is difficult to do that when you cannot admit parts are missing. I tried many times to mend this relationship and was given a blessing with confirmation that this will not be resolved in this lifetime. Unless hearts were softened and sorrow was shown. I realize this was difficult for my mother but was necessary on her part for our relationship to continue--she made her choices--and we have all had to deal with that decision. Mom did the best she knew how to do. I will see her again, and the Lord will solve all earthly issues. Thank you, Linda, for permitting me to express my feelings here. If you have problems, please email Linda.

Beautiful Casket

Greg dedicated the grave.

 I believe our lives are like ocean waves, constantly moving, sometimes those waves are further out than we can reach, but they eventually rise to meet me in a solemn comforting manner--when they do -- all is quiet and calm, especially in my heart where I need it the most. I am grateful my mother is peaceful with a completely healthy body. Still, I need some guidance; I believe there can be healing even in the deepest of graves--when we humble ourselves and allow the spirit to speak--but not all is calm in my heart right now--I feel lonely and vulnerable, and I know no-one on this earth can understand what I am feeling--not even my sister Sonya--she said she felt a warm blanket of "comfort" around her during the funeral--why didn't I feel that? Am I not worthy enough for that feeling?

When my brother Lance died, I felt so guilty for not doing more to help him; it was a heavy burden I was carrying; I knelt and prayed one night for comfort and peace to fill my soul, for the Lord to let me know Lance was OK. That night as I knelt waiting for an answer, I felt my brother's hand on mine, and his voice, as clear as day, said, "This is the Lord's will, not yours; I am happy" Because of that experience I was able to move forward in faith and HOPE knowing without a doubt Lance was in a good place.

 It was the start of healing when I could be at mom's bedside and say, "I forgive you," before she passed on. It was a tender moment, and I know she heard me.

During the funeral, my mother's dearest friend Susan spoke and told memories she had of my mom. She said from her heart that she really loved my mom, something I will always be grateful for. While she was speaking, I thought of a talk given by Elder Bednar at the General Conference in October of 2009. He talked about family love; he said that no wife, daughter, son, or husband should hear the words "I love you" for the first time from the pulpit--this is what I heard--but not from my mom from her friend. I wish I had heard "I love you and am proud of you" from my mother's lips. All I can do now is to make sure everyone I genuinely love and care for not only hears it but KNOW it. I understand mom may not have been able to express her love to me because I'm not really sure if she was told as a child--maybe she was never taught by example--I don't know--all I know for sure is when I held each and every one of my children in my arms for the 1st time I loved them--unconditionally loved each one of them. I guess forgiveness does not always leave you with peace and happiness. This part will come to me in the Lord's time--It always does-so for now, I love you, mom, and I know you did the best you could.

Curve Balls

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2013

Curve Balls

Man, life throws many curve balls, I was not expecting one that came flying at me last week.  I was Fired from my volunteer work.  Not the accomplishment I had expected, and it was devastating for me. I loved that job; I loved the people I worked with, and I especially loved all the patients who touched my life. I violated HIPAA law and took pictures of patients. First off, I just want to say they all had my permission to take their picture, and 2nd I would never post something about a patient without their consent. However, I recently had my blog redesigned, and all the journal entries I had written and drafted, were posted public without me knowing.

  They were written a year or year and a half ago, when I was asked not to mention the facility that I was volunteering for or the patients, I immediately drafted all of them for my children to have, and for myself to look back and remember. For those of you who do not know about drafting, it is a journal you write and never post for all to see but is kept secret and I eventually wanted my blog to be made into a book for my children, so I did as I was asked, and I took all the posts off my blog immediately.  To be honest, I have a ton of drafts, things I don't want the world to see but have saved for my family to read long after I'm dead and gone.

When I went to my "volunteer" job 2 weeks ago, I was called into a meeting where I was "let go" I was told if an employee had done this, they would be "let go," so they felt it was time for me to be "let go" I asked them if I could delete the entries. The answer was "you have 3 days to get them off your blog, or we will be forced to file a federal suit"  so sad, I took off my scrubs and handed in my badge out the door I went feeling like I had just been defeated by the world, I cried uncontrollably for hours, well actually the crying went on for days, I finally got it controlled to a slow tearful drip after a few days.  When I got home, I asked our attorney if this could happen to me; he said NO, that the facility I was volunteering for could not sue me for violating HIPAA laws the patient would have to be the one to sue me, --and since every one of those patients or their caregivers still email me regularly, (except for one), I contacted each person who I had ever posted about, got written permission from them or in a couple cases the patients had passed on, and I got permission from their caregivers, who by the way also asked me for a copy of what I had written, by this time I had already deleted them.  However, I told them once I had their written permission, I would send them a copy of what I had handwritten.  Each was so grateful, I had journaled, and each had already known about the experiences and the intimate talks I had with them, so it was not a surprise to any of them when I read the journaling to them.

 I'm not sure what this world is coming to, I do understand the HIPAA laws, and I do understand the right to have privacy, but I would never post something without first asking the patient. There was only one post that I had written that I felt was imposing without permission; names were never mentioned, and if this person had found it on the world wide web (1 in a billion) They could have guessed it was them I was talking about, but there were no pictures or proof.

I learned a lot from this experience, and although I think "they" were being a bit dramatic in their decision, I know the Lord has something else planned for me.  It's important for me to be in a place where I am not only needed but appreciated for the service I love to give.

Monday Mormon Myths & Truths #5

 

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2013

 Monday Mormon Myths and truths #5

I was asked by several different people over the past couple of weeks to discuss Mormon Women. With that being such a considerable interest with a lot of you, I have decided to break it up a little and answer a couple a week until they are all answered--

A Pulitzer Prize winner by the name of Wallace Stegner, authored a book in 1964 about the Mormon pioneers going westward in their migration to Utah and other western states. This is one of the things he said "I shall try to present the Mormons in their terms and judge them in mine. That I do not accept the faith that possessed them does not mean I doubt their frequent devotion and heroism in its service. Especially their women, their women, were incredible."

The LDS women today do not wear the pioneer dresses of the 1800s, but the women still lead remarkable lives and have a profound effect on other people. This coming from a self-professed late '20s, childless overeducated atheist feminist "I confess that reading Mormon housewives blogs, I have learned they are uplifting" she said that "their lives send out the message to the world, it is possible to be happy.....they love their homes, they love their husbands, family is their biggest priority, and life is meant to be enjoyed."
So who are LDS women, and what makes them so incredible? Where and how do they fit into the church, its society, and theology--I will answer all of the questions regarding women in the next few weeks.

  Mormon Myth: LDS women are more depressed than other women

Answer: NOT TRUE

I loved this question. I have gotten a few emails about this--to be quite honest with you, I had heard Utah had the highest usage of antidepressants in the nation and wondered about it myself--so this was great to study--thank you for the question--I guess I never thought about the fact that Utah with its 60%  LDS population would obviously be the reason why so many believe it has to be related to the lifestyle we live. 

A common myth has been circulating that LDS women are more depressed than any other women in America due to the demands, expectations, and religious lifestyle of Mormonism. This rumor started when Scripts reported in 2001 and 2007 that Utah, with its population of 60% LDS people, led the nation to use antidepressant medicines. Of course, people conclude that the high rate of depression was related to how the "Mormons live."

Many studies have examined the relationship between religion and depression, specifically Mormonism and depression. Most research indicates that LDS women are no more likely to experience depression than any other women in other religious groups.
 There was a study done in 2010 that compared thousands of LDS men and women with thousands of non-LDS men and women on twelve indicators of depression and found that, on average, LDS men who served missions (indicating their high religious activity in the church) reported less incidence of depression than any other.

And, you are now wondering about women, right? LDS women who served a mission (once again, indicating high activity in the LDS church) had significantly less depression than the national sample, reporting an average score of 1.0 days per week where depression symptoms occurred, compared to 1.39 days per week by the women on the national model (LDS women who did not serve a mission also reported a lower number than the national average of 1.11 days)
All this research concluded that "this study found no evidence that members of the LDS church experienced more depression than others across the nation. In fact, they discovered that, overall, LDS men and women with higher rates of religiosity had significantly lower levels of depression than the average American. So, the religious LDS lifestyle is a buffer against depression rather than what many LDS and non-LDS people have believed over the years.

  I have struggled with depression throughout my life, and for over 20 years, I have taken an antidepressant to help balance the serotonin levels in my body. For many years I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable discussing this with people, not only LDS members but non-members. The reason:

For me, it was because I felt if I told people, then they would have a lower opinion of me and that I would be looked at as a failure, not having the ability to control my thoughts or feelings. When I discovered I had cancer, I stopped taking all my antidepressant medicine; I have no idea why, except I thought it might be adding to the problem, and no doctor ever told me to stop taking it. Within a few months, I became extremely depressed and wanted to just die. When I went to the Mayo psychiatrist, he asked me why I stopped taking my medicine. My answer was, "I don't know, I just was so consumed with cancer I just stopped taking anything else, including vitamins" He then asked some questions about my childhood, and we talked about why I was initially taking the drug. He explained it so simple to me he said "If a person who is diabetic does not take their insulin, or a person who has heart problems does not take their medicine, they could get very sick and die, YOU and people like you who suffer with this anxiety and depression are no different, society sees them different, but medically you need to respect what your body is telling you and take the medicine that helps you"  I have never worried about it since, I take my medicine, I'm balanced, and I feel better. This has nothing whatsoever to do with my Mormon lifestyle of living. It has to do with genetics. There is a history in my family of depression and chemical imbalances.

LDS Women and the Priesthood:

Latter Day Saint women are not ordained to priesthood offices in the LDS church, and we don't know why. President Gordon B Hinckley said, "Women do not hold the Priesthood because the Lord has put it that way. It is part of His program" Although Mormon women do not hold the priesthood office, all the blessings and saving ordinances through the Priesthood are made equally available to both men and women.

To make it easier to understand, Priesthood is not a prideful thing or for power, position, or prestige- it is strictly designed to serve others.
Women are called to serve in organizational leadership positions of the church from the general Church level (Salt Lake City) down to the congressional level. They work together alongside the male Priesthood holders to serve all of God's children together.
No Priesthood "ladder" is necessary to climb in the LDS church to reach heaven; only priesthood ordinances are required for salvation, and they are available to both males and females.

Mormon Myths and Truths #1

 

MONDAY, MAY 6, 2013

Mormon Myths and truths #1

When I started this blog, it was to share my thoughts and feelings. It seemed more manageable for me to do regularly, I have always been a journal writer, but I wanted to start something new with my handwritten journal. I have said many times in the past few years since starting this blog I want my family to have a history of my life. When I write, I often forget my blog is public for all the world wide web to read. I usually sit in a quiet time with my church music and write what I feel. (Music usually provided by The Slade Family or Josh Menden)

I'm sad to say I have offended some people. No, I know I have, but I will not apologize to those people for my beliefs, and I respect what you believe. When I put my stamp of approval on this blog and push PUBLISH, I take responsibility for my words--to those of you who leave me anonymous comments, I would love it if you would put your name on it if you honestly believed in what you are saying then put your name on it--OWN IT. Shout it from the rooftops. We can bring together both of our beliefs and make this a better world to live in. That is what Christ wanted for all of us, to serve each other and help each other. We can at least agree on that. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, so yes, we believe in Christ, and it is Christlike to be kind to others and share HIS light.

I have allowed anonymous comments, but when someone leaves comments with words that are simply untrue- I cannot have those published. I have no problem with you asking me what is accurate and not valid, but it is not fair to TELL me what I believe. I have prayed, searched, and pondered about all different religions, and the LDS church offers what is best for MY family and ME. I did not force my children to be LDS, nor do I force my beliefs on anyone else. I also do not force anyone to read this blog. If someone asks me a question, I will always tell the truth,
I respect and honor those of other religions. We all have the right and agency to believe whatever we choose. Like I've said, and I will continue to say, I have no problem when others want to ask me a question about what I believe in. If they are willing to listen to the truth of what we believe in. But I do take issue with people who "think" they know what we believe because they have heard it from Mitt Romney or read it on a website. Not everything we hear or read is true; it is always best to go directly to someone you know who lives what they believe in and ask for the answers instead of assuming because it can hurt others.

 To me, if you claim to be Christian, this means you try your hardest to live as He did. When I think of Christ's life, it is evident people wanted to be around him. The children wanted to sit on his lap, laugh, and sing with him, and they felt safe. Men and women flocked to be in his presence because he offered something that none of us can offer--COMPLETE AND ABSOLUTE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO EVERYONE--in return, He has asked us to do the same.

-I stand behind everything I believe in and being honest in everything I say and do, sometimes to a fault. But one thing I will never do is discard what I think for another person's approval. I LIVE WHAT I BELIEVE, and although I am not perfect, I am trying my hardest to be more like the Savior and accept all that is thrown at me.

I have dear friends of all races and religious backgrounds. I have a brother and sister-in-law who were not blessed to bear their own children and adopted four bi-racial children, some from the LDS church social service program. I am always so impressed and interested in hearing what others believe, but mostly I love it when they teach me new things and new ways of understanding. The spirit has come into my life through others, not of my faith, and it has helped me be more tolerant and closer to my Heavenly Father. However, I am also human, and I am not perfect. I have said cuss words in front of my children. I have even asked a bishop if I threw out the "damn and hell" words every once in a while if it would keep me from ever being called to be a Relief Society President. His answer was "hell no,"  so as you can see, not ALL MORMONS think they are better than anyone else.

That said, I have decided to dedicate every Monday blog to Mormon myths, what is true and what is not. This can help.

Monday Mormon Myth #1
BECAUSE MORMONS BELIEVE THE CHURCH IS TRUE, MORMONS THINK THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO WILL GO TO HEAVEN AND THAT OTHER CHURCHES ARE BAD.

ANSWER: ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE

If it were true, heaven would be a very lonely place, considering that 99.98 % of the world's population are not members of the LDS church.
We passionately believe that God is a God of perfect justice and mercy and that no heavenly blessing will be given to one person that is not made available and offered to everyone.
God has a plan and a purpose for each one of his children (YOU), whether LDS or not.
Additionally, although we humbly claim that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the Lord's official church, we honor the goodness and virtue of other churches and belief systems and their faithful and fabulous adherents. The LDS handbook of instructions for its local leaders says, "much that is inspiring, noble, and worthy of the highest respect is found in many other faiths."
I think one of the LDS church Prophets, President Gordon B Hinkley stated our viewpoint best in 2002. "This must be our great and singular message to the world. We do not offer it with boasting. We testify in humility but with gravity and absolute sincerity. We invite all, the whole earth, to listen to this account and take the measure of its truth...To those of other faiths, we say in a spirit of love, bring with you all that you have good and truth which you have received from whatever source, and come and let us see if we may add to it."

Sticks & Stones

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24, 2013

Sticks & Stones

Remember the phrase? “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you?” Whoever produced that saying was a little off their rocker-sticks and stones will certainly hurt bones and scratch the skin, but words, oh words, can leave a lasting sting on the heart and soul.

Even at my old age of fifty, words can hurt. They can penetrate the heart and soul and, for many, leave a lifelong scar. Interestingly, we sometimes say the harshest words to the ones we love the most. Why is that? Maybe because we know them the best and what will hurt them, we know they will forgive us, especially when it is family. I was so upset a couple of weeks ago that my daughter was wearing a pair of pants that belonged to me. Although this was not the source of my anger, it escalated into me telling her to take them off before she went home. I did this in anger and immediately felt the pain I had caused her. Of course, an apology was necessary, and I’m fairly sure this will be a comical story told at my funeral or memorial service one day when I am long gone. Still, as I write this now, I am embarrassed and sorry for how I treated her; it was unnecessary.

I was deeply saddened by words spoken to me recently, it’s going to take a long time to get those echoing words out of my mind and then out of my heart, not necessarily by a family member, but even a stranger can trigger a memory or thought that can hurt.

One of the only compliments I ever heard my mother give me growing up was that I could be stung by the words of others, sting back (sometimes unnecessarily), get over it, and move on.
In so many ways, I am still that little girl; I am usually not affected by the words of others unless they are words of wisdom I can use in my life. Other than those words, I try to keep the negative out, but I have this nasty side that comes out like the devil sometimes, you know when someone says something mean about one of your children? That mother hen comes out and fights for her own.

It’s incredible how a song or smell can take me back to my childhood or teen years. There are certain songs I listened to during challenging times in my life that now I cannot stand to have my ears hear. A smell will take me back to an awful memory of life. However, there are tender moments with music that will immediately take me back to a grateful place, a place to keep me grounded and happy for who I am and what I believe in.

The Lord gives us the ability to forgive others. This is a commandment. For so many years, I wondered how this was possible, how could our Heavenly Father ask us to forgive those who had hurt me so profoundly, especially the people in my life who I was sent to from Heaven to be protected by and loved unconditionally for eternity. I soon realized it was my responsibility to form my own relationships with others respectfully and worthily. As a young mother, I was unsuccessful in doing these things; I tried hard to keep my covenants but often missed the mark by raising my voice or speaking unkindly to my children or my husband. After attending the temple regularly, I realize now that Satan has ways of getting us to follow him. Then he says, “now go and get someone else to do this too” oh, how evil enjoys company. So many of us follow as it is so tempting to act out instead of embrace and say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong” so much of this selfishness we portray is Satan getting his way, prompting us to follow in his ways. I promise those ways will bring you into the darkness and can be a black hole hard to get out of.

Recognize the good in others, not their stains. At times, a stain needs appropriate attention to be cleansed but always builds on his or her virtues.

When you feel that there is only a thin thread of hope, it is not a thread but a massive connecting link, like a life preserver to strengthen and lift you. It will provide comfort so you can cease to fear. Strive to live worthily and place your trust in the Lord.

We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do everything the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time.

I love you, my sweet children; there is nothing you will ever do or say that can take away my unconditional love for you--

   

Speaking Without Words

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 2013

Speaking without Words

My sweet grandson Recker has moderate to severe autism. He is non-verbal. This baby boy was born into a family who loves him unconditionally; he has a special place in my heart. If not for him, I remember a day while I was going through my chemo treatments that he was an infant and would lay with me on my bed. Keeping me from literally wanting to end my life, so profoundly in depression and pain, all I had to do was kneel and pray, get back in bed and look at his little face. Then I knew I could get through one more day. Now I understand why the Lord answered my prayers so many times. I have some refining to do in my life to live eternally with this sweet little guy.

He was diagnosed at a really early age of 16 months. We still have to hear him say, "mom or dad" I can't imagine how hard this must be for Jeremy and Kayla, but there are times when he will look at me in the eyes, those piercing blue eyes starring intensely I know he is trying to tell me something. As badly as I want to hear him speak, I also believe he knows so much. The veil is so thin for him still. Before Ezra was born, he would stop in his tracks, look up on a shelf in my kitchen, and smile or jabber in Recker language as if he were talking to someone. Every time he did this, my heart would melt.

Recently, a person said to me, "You must be so disappointed"  I have thought of this statement quite a bit because, for one, not once have I been disappointed, that word has never crossed my mind, not even for a nanosecond, and for two I feel so blessed to know that my Heavenly Father has entrusted my daughter and her husband with such a beautiful soul, he is perfect in every way, we continually learn from him. I realize some people do not understand the behavior of an autistic child, and patience comes with raising a child with special needs. Without this opportunity, I would have probably never taken the time to learn more about just how special he is.

I don't have harsh feelings for those who do not understand, who judge and wonder why we cannot control his behavior or his ticks and noises; I wish I had an answer for those people; I don't understand either--but I am trying to understand, I am learning that speaking without words is something we all should learn to do--a smile can mean everything to a person, a hug can save a life, a note of encouragement can help self-confidence--yes I believe speaking without words is having FAITH in a higher being--Faith that HE has a plan, a plan for each of us, especially for those who cannot speak for themselves.

I love you, Recker Jay--you will forever be in my heart.

XOXO Bon Bon

The Impossible

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2013

The Impossible

I'm not one to recommend movies, but I recommend THE IMPOSSIBLE, a film based on actual events from the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean in 2004. Eric and I went to see this last week, and I had no idea that going into this movie would have a profound impact on me. After seeing The Impossible, I decided my cancer journey was a cakewalk. It's interesting what we think we can handle and what we can handle.

Sometimes when my life is impossible to bear, I try to think about the people around me who are suffering tenfold more than I am. Perspectives change as I have learned to listen with my heart when patients talk to me about their journey with cancer, knowing their lives will end soon. I've learned that no matter what is happening in my life, someone always needs comfort, and They are put in my life at just the right time.

Some of the impossible things I thought I could never live through have become my sacred memories. Life is precious, it is supposed to be filled with fun, laughter, cake and ice cream, family, friends, and yes, the inevitable journey of life comes with hardships and trials--it's all part of the plan.

Move a Mountain

 

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2013

Move a Mountain

Sunday, my daughter Kaitlyn, and her husband Brian were asked to speak in church about FAITH. I was moved by their talks; Kaitlyn told of her respect and love for the FAITH her brother showed as he went out to serve a mission for the Lord in the Dominican Republic. She spoke of how he left behind so much as he journeyed out into the unknown. Relying entirely on the strength within himself and the Lord to help him through two years. When he left, he was twenty-one years old and had been struggling with some of his own demons and trials. Through those struggles, he was blessed with the ability to pull himself out of the hole he dug himself into by moving mountains with his Faith. She continued to explain to him the great blessings that would be his if he would obey and follow the gospel plan the Lord had set in motion for him.  

I know he was under the amount of worry and pain as he left our home. Still, I will never forget the look of pride when he walked into the MTC--There was a little bit of fear in both him and me. Oh, how my heart ached for him, yes, I knew Blake was worthy of being there, but that was not what put me in such anguish. Being his mother, I knew it would be the most rewarding thing he had ever accomplished and the most challenging two years of his life. The people he loved the most in the world would be facing some life-changing moments in their lives. He would not be attending his sister's wedding, the birth of our first grandchild, or the graduation of his youngest sister. But the most troubling part for me was what had I done to prepare him? I felt helpless. I, too, had to put all my Faith in the Lord and rely on him to protect and watch over my son, to lead him in direct passages that would eventually bring him home to us safe and worthy to stand as a witness. My eyes were constantly teary, wondering how he was doing, knowing he was worried about my diagnosis of cancer and that he could not be here to comfort me. He didn't know that I felt his loving arms around me on more than one or two occasions. He showed tremendous amounts of Faith while he served. I am still overwhelmed by some of the mission stories he has told me. He left unsure of the gospel, uncertain of his future, and insecure if he would ever see his mother again. Still, he came home with a perfect knowledge that the gospel is true, knowing that his future is bright if he continues to follow God's plan for him, and he came home to a mom that welcomed him with open arms and a huge heart. Kaitlyn is right, Blake is excellent, and I continue to thank Heavenly Father every day for the great man he has turned out to be--

Brian's talk was equally touching; as I listened to him speak, tears filled my eyes and eventually streamed down my cheeks. As I listened intently to the words that came out of his mouth. These words were not ordinary. He was telling the story of my life without using my name. I was prepared to hear him speak about his grandfather, who undoubtedly taught Brian the principle of FAITH. Brian and Kaitlyn have talked about him several times with sweet regard to his knowledge of the gospel, and I know he has been a forcing influence in Brian and Kaitlyn's lives.
However, in this talk he gave about FAITH, he was telling the story of a young baby girl born into a broken family. parents who were battling one with another, her father who, because of drugs and alcohol, led him to the pathway to prison. When her mother was remarried, this new father's role in her life abused her physically, mentally, and sexually. Tears began to run down Brian's cheeks, and I could hear the lump in his throat as he tried to continue with the story. He talked about how this daughter of God had made promises to the Lord and stayed worthy and close to her Heavenly Father yet abuse and trials still are a big part of her life. When she was in her twenties, another test of Faith came when she faced the death of her younger brother, yet she continued to trust in the Lord and give her heart and soul to the church and others she served. As Brian was saying these words aloud, I was becoming increasingly agitated in my seat, the anxiety was starting to surface, and I was not sure I would be able to hide it from Eric. It was like watching your life flash before your eyes, but from a different perspective than what you actually lived. It sounded so easy as Brian described my life. Not necessarily easy was the life, but easy was the FAITH he told me as having. It has caused me to think the last few days, do I have that FAITH engraved in my soul? I certainly don't remember feeling as though I was showing great Faith; it felt more like survival mode I was in--negotiations were happening daily with the Lord--"get me out of this alive, and I will serve you, I promise." 
Brian continued with his talk, speaking of the cancer I was diagnosed with, I really had no idea that my cancer had been seen by anyone as a FAITH builder...I know I speak a lot about having HOPE and FAITH, but never realized those words have penetrated the souls of some of my family members.

In challenging times, it is so easy to give up and turn away from the very thing that can help us through the fiercest adversity of our lives. I know it is impossible to predict an end to our trials and problems of life, but I know I can promise this bit of HOPE if we have FAITH in Jesus Christ, the hard times, as well as the good times, can be a great blessing to us, this strength will give us FAITH to move a mountain.

Mayo Clinic Cancer Symposium

 

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 2013

Mayo Clinic Cancer Symposium

2nd annual Mayo Clinic Symposium was held at the Marriott just a mile from the Phoenix Campus of Mayo Clinic. I attended again this year. Seeing my team of doctors was good, and ready-to-present information was good.

Dr. Northfelt, my med/oncologist, and myself

Some of the information I learned from the meetings was new to me, and some I already knew, but this is the reason I like to attend these symposiums so that I can learn all I can about my disease and what the new techniques or statistics are.

I learned that 200,000 new cases per year are reported of breast cancer, and the side effects of radiation are some that I am still dealing with. 

Lymphedema ✓

Lung inflammation

Fatigue ✓

Depression and anxiety ✓

Chest wall and or breast tenderness ✓

Breast swelling ✓

Skin burning

I only have five of those seven side effects, so I feel blessed to not have to deal with lung inflammation or burning skin anymore.

I learned that Radical mastectomies no longer are performed and have not been performed on breast cancer patients since the 1970s. They no longer perform these because the surgical procedures have been incredibly advanced since then. In a radical mastectomy, they used to have to take everything, including the bone surrounding the area, this left women with horrible battle scars. I had a Bi-lateral mastectomy. Both breasts were removed with all the surrounding tissue but not bone. This allows the surgeons to reconstruct more efficiently, with much better results.

When someone has a lumpectomy, they only have a 1.9% of recurrence. a single
mastectomy 1.1% recurrence, and only 0/3% of cancer patients who have a lump in one breast will get another in the other breast--in Dr. Kreymerman, "they are sisters, not twins."
BRCA 1 or 2 mutation only has a 30% 10-year recurrence in the other breast.
Only 25% of breast cancer diagnoses are women under 80.

Some great things to come are:
Cancer Vaccines
the studying of tumor clones
DCIS vaccines
Her2 antibodies

One bit of information I thought was interesting, 15% of patients who go through the cancer process will get Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. As you have been through a war, the fear and anxiety of the return of cancer or having to continue to deal with the side effects of cancer treatments can literally put one's body into traumatic stress.

With recurrent patients, 45% of women have treatable anxiety and depression within the 1st 3 months of 2nd diagnosis. This is a mountain to climb but more terrain to walk through.

Did you know

55% stress over financial problems during treatment
46% cut back on food to be able to pay their bills
6% lose their homes and have to relocate
50% are not comfortable talking about any of these symptoms, even to their doctors
50% of patients do not share all of what they are feeling or their fears with caregivers or family
history of abuse, physical, mental, or sexual, will increase the levels of anxiety and will not be
shared with doctors
most women post-treatment will have low sexual desire and vaginal dryness and feel embarrassed about asking or talking about it with their doctor.

I was not surprised that most women do not want to share many intimate details with their doctors but was reassured knowing I am one of them and it is normal.

I am still waiting to hear back from Mayo about my ultrasound and low white cell count--no news to report.