Love One Another

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 28, 2014

Love One Another

I've been in Ohio for 5 weeks, and next Thursday, I will be going under the knife again. I realized how much I needed the Lord to bless and watch over me. I go to Him in silent prayer most days now, I don't have a lot of privacy, and I think it's been good for me to be here with Diana. She's been a significant source for me; as my nurse, she needed to come to give me infusions every 12 hours. We were under the impression I would have to get lab work done and see another doctor for clearance. We did all that last week, and I should have just come home to see Eric and the kids. For some reason, I was not thinking straight; Diana suggested we stay with her family, who lives one hour and one-half away. This would save us some money and get me out of the hospital environment. It indeed was a great distraction. Her sister and brother-in-law are empty nesters; it was a beautiful quiet home where I could rest, read, and have some quiet time. Although it was initially awkward, I soon found out Angela and John are down-to-earth people and a very Christian Catholic family. This relieved me, knowing I would be able to read my scriptures every morning, especially in preparation for my surgery on Thursday.

Diana and her sister Angela come from an Italian family; they love deeply and laugh loudly. I will miss that the most when we part from each other once I am home, but I hope we can stay connected through texting and calls. These people didn't know me, they didn't have to take me in for a week, and they had choices, but they chose to show Christ-like Attributes by opening their home to me. I'm sad I didn't get a picture of John before I left. He and Angela were going to see their son, daughter-in-law, and new twin grandchildren in Columbus; John did not get home before we left. They are wonderful people; I felt at home and did not have one panic attack.

My new friend Angela--Thank you, XOXO.

Today we drove back to Cleveland to be closer to the Cleveland Clinic, we are within walking distance, and it is a lot less money and a better hotel. Tomorrow, I plan to go to a Cleveland ward; there is one within one mile of here. Then we may drive to see Kirkland Temple. I can't risk catching the flu or getting a cold, so wearing a mask is mandatory when going to church or crowded areas. I have had a great week--mentally, trying to get prepared for surgery is always a quiet time of processing for me...I've decided that no matter what this surgery's outcome, I choose to be happy; I will not let this define who I am. I have a great family who loves me, and been blessed with amazing friends who will not be embarrassed to be with me--I've tried to keep it light and not get too carried away with the facial paralysis because the doctors are going to do the best they can, I have faith in them, and they are very confident I will have great results.

  I never thought I would feel this way, but I'm looking forward to getting this over with and going home to my family. I miss them more than I ever thought I could. My grandchildren are growing through Face time. Ezra looks so big and tall, and Recker, too; he came up to the phone and kissed me today...I cried...then Ezra wanted to kiss me too...I cried more. Kayla was so sweet to follow them around the house with the phone so I could see what they were doing. Ezra is getting so bright; his daddy has been teaching him all sorts of things. He knows where his toes are, his eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. He also growls loudly when you ask him, "what does the Lion say?" He blows kisses and knows how to throw away his diaper all on his own. I sang Recker a song; it's one I've sung to him since he was a newborn; he was intrigued and stood motionless as I sang it.
 I have so much to thank the Lord for; my life will go on, and my circumstances may not change, but I am determined to learn something from this. I will do all the doctor asks me to do and hope and pray the surgery goes well, the doctor's hands will be still, and we will have a great outcome. Tonight, my thoughts and prayers as I lie down to sleep help me get a good night's rest, and I ask the spirit to be with me all week as I prepare for surgery. I have been trying to practice what I preach and put to practice some Christlike Attributes by doing something kind every day for someone else, even if it's hold a door open, or give a half smile to a person walking by (usually that scares people so I try not to use that one) yesterday I did something very simple, I bought lunch for the lady behind me at Chipotle. She was so happy, surprised, and elated. She decided to pay it forward too. The world would be better if we all could give a little more; it doesn't need to be a financial service.

Just Dream-Just Breath

 

MONDAY, JUNE 2, 2014

Just Dream--Just Breathe

I'm uncovering some strength I've never felt before.  My fears are finally subsiding, and I'm allowing myself to feel vulnerable--Today, I boarded a flight at 5:25 am to face either a storm or tender mercy.

Yesterday, I pleaded with friends and family to join united in prayer and fast for some relief, some answers to come clearly and quickly.  The spirit has a way of sneaking in and penetrating my heart when I am not expecting it.  I could not help but have the peaceful feeling of our Heavenly Father watching over me and listening to every prayer. I know through Him I will be able to endure; I am strong. I would not be true to myself if I did anything but face this storm and still stand as it passes.  For the first time in 5 months, I am allowing myself to breathe and dream again.  I realize this is my journey, life, and story, and I am still writing.  I wish I could go to each person who prayed and prays for me daily--this is what I would say to you--HE LISTENS, AND HE ANSWERS PRAYERS--I LOVE YOU FOR JOINING IN OUR FAMILY PRAYERS.

 It's been so hard to stay strong. This is a feeling I have not felt in such a long time.  Even when I was diagnosed with the VILLAIN, I felt more in control than I do now.  So many times, I have tried to bury my fears, thinking if no one could see my vulnerability, I wouldn't have to feel it if I just ran from it. However, those shadows followed me to where I am now.

Today I've decided it's not about the race or how fast I can go; it's about finding out what's inside of me, who I can become--taking chances and staying strong. Tomorrow, I have a chance to see a great doctor; I'm taking this opportunity with the attitude, "I deserve this. I deserve to know if there are any other options for me" I'm not one to want to hurt feelings or make any of my doctors think they are anything but great for my prognosis.  However, a great physician friend recently told me. Also, he said, "You always say you want to live with NO REGRETS. Do you believe this will be a regret if you don't take it?" I knew the answer before he finished the sentence..." yes, I would regret it" "besides,  any doctor who is upset because you decide to get a 2nd opinion or 20th opinion does not deserve to be your doctor"  I'm not sure if I agree with that last portion, I have been so blessed to have the BEST team of doctors on my side, cheering for me all along the way.  I love my doctors at Mayo Clinic, but when one tells me that my face will not change. It will be this way for the rest of my life. I have a lot of years left in me. I must believe with all the modern technology, there must be a doctor out there who can help, that doctor may not be at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona or even at the Cleveland Clinic, but I know myself well enough to know if I don't take this chance, I will regret it.  It's time for me to start dreaming and breathing again. I feel this fire inside me that needs to be ignited---but I'm not sure how to get it fired up again--I believe this trip to Cleveland Clinic is a good decision--now on to the next step--Meeting 'Doctor Right.'

So, I am looking at tomorrow as a gift, and I will embrace it; I have no fear going into this appointment tomorrow. Every step I take and every storm I endure makes me stronger.  It's time for me to spread my wings and start flying--I know I was not sent to this earth to hide behind every corner, afraid to face my fears; I was meant to embrace the future and teach others how to do the same.  I trust my Heavenly Father's plan and know His arms are around me. He will give me the calm I need for tomorrow.  On the nights like this, when I am trying to sleep and can't, I turn it over to the Lord and ask Him to take this burden once more from my shoulders and allow me to sleep, allow me to rise in the morning, grateful to Him, and say "All I have is yours, all I have is because of your grace and tenderness you have shown me throughout my life"  Now, I will sleep, but not before I say a prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me in my lifetime, helping me to see the love and faith of friends and family.