Remember when?

Hey Babe,

I’ve been thinking about you so much today.

I finally closed on our Gilbert home. Saying goodbye was harder than I expected. As I walked through the halls one last time, memories came rushing back—some beautiful, some not so easy.

I realized something as I stood there.

Not every moment in that home was healing or happy.

You and I… we were both stubborn. There were times I was so frustrated with you I wanted to scream—and I’m pretty sure I did. And yet, there were just as many moments when I fell in love with you all over again.

Funny thing is, I don’t think I knew you as well back then as I do now.

So much of our story feels like a blur of love, confusion, and misunderstandings.

---

I still think about our first date.

I remember thinking you seemed like a nice guy—someone I might be interested in. Then I found out you had asked another girl to the same fireside and canceled on her. She still showed up, and she was not happy with you. I remember thinking, " Who does that?

And then… You took me to your grandmother’s house.

You walked through every room, checked under beds like you were protecting me from something, and then asked if I wanted a foot rub.

I thought, " This is weird.

And then… well, things escalated quickly, and I remember thinking, I need to leave.

When you walked me to my car, I honestly hoped it would be the last time I’d see you.

---

But it wasn’t.

You kept calling.
You kept showing up.

And somehow, every time I was with you, I found something else to admire.

I had my eyes set on a mission, and I made that clear from the beginning. That didn’t seem to scare you away—in fact, looking back, I think it may have been one of the reasons we stayed together.

Maybe because marriage wasn’t on my mind.

And now I know… it wasn’t really on yours either.

---

As I got closer to your family—especially your mom—I realized something.

I wanted the Williams name to be part of my life forever.

---

We had so many good times.

Your softball games.
Trips to Prescott.
Staying in the Cozy Cabin with your parents.

Walking through the woods, finding quiet places just to be together, laughing the whole way back.

That’s when we really started to fall in love.

---

I remember being so jealous of your ex, Vicki.

She would come around your parents’ house, even sit down for dinner once, and I was furious. Your mom had to gently remind me that she was part of the past—and not the one for you.

She was right.

---

We spent hours playing Pac-Man at that arcade on Alma School and Southern before Fiesta Mall was built. It felt like everyone in town was there. And right across the street, that old movie theater—where you always wanted to sit in the back.

Of course.

Years later, after we were married, we went back there with friends. I will never forget that night—the rain pouring down, and suddenly a section of the ceiling collapsed right into my lap.

I laughed.

You? Not so much.

You went after that theater like it was personal until they finally gave us free tickets.

---

I still laugh thinking about that.

---

I also remember the day I stopped to help a stranger on the side of the road.

I was late getting to your house, and everyone was waiting for dinner. You were worried, and when I told you I had given someone a ride, you couldn’t believe it.

Looking back… You were probably right.

But that was me. Completely clueless about the dangers of the world, a true blonde!

---

Lately, I’ve been thinking about those early days—when life felt simple, carefree, and full of possibility.

I’m so grateful for those memories.

Because missing you… It is the hardest thing I have ever lived through.

If I could trade all the trauma I’ve experienced in my life for this grief, I would take the trauma again and again just to have you here.

---

I still talk to you.

You know that.

But not hearing you respond… that’s what breaks me.

Sometimes I close my eyes and try to feel you near me. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can’t.

At night, I imagine your arms around me, holding me, and there are nights I cry myself to sleep.

---

This wasn’t supposed to happen to us.

We were supposed to grow old together.

We had more trips to take. More memories to make.

I still ask God why.

I know I may never get that answer.

---

But I hope I’m making you proud.

Because I am so proud of you.

We had a life full of experiences—both beautiful and hard—and I am who I am today because of all of it.

Because of you.

---

Thank you for loving me the way you did.

I know I wasn’t always easy.

But you stayed.

And you helped shape me into the woman I am today.

---

I love you.

Always.

The Wizard of Oz

 Dear Frenchie,

Besides our magical first trip to Paris together, Weslie and I just returned from the second most wonderful trip I’ve ever taken. You know how much I’ve always loved The Wizard of Oz—and Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I remember telling you I wanted that song sung at my funeral. You wrinkled your nose and dismissed the idea completely. Now that you’re gone, I suppose I get to make the decisions for my own funeral party.

This time, Weslie and I headed to Las Vegas for the weekend. We stayed at the MGM Grand, and the room was beautiful—comfortable, calm, and just right. On Saturday morning, we went to see The Wizard of Oz at the Sphere. I had no idea what I’d bought when I purchased the tickets, but imagine my surprise when we discovered we had VIP seats. We were escorted into a private lounge with unlimited food and drinks. You would have loved that part—and I would have loved seeing your face when you realized it was all included.

We were given a beautiful poster and $50 to spend at the merchandise shop. Of course, I handed the money straight to Weslie. She chose the softest Wizard of Oz sweatshirt, and I picked one too—There’s No Place Like Home. Something I know you would’ve happily bought for both of us.

Our seats were perfect—front and center, Section 206, with no one in front of us. I’ll admit, it was worth every dime. I know you wouldn’t have spent that kind of money… but if you’d seen what we saw, I think you might have changed your mind.

When the screen opened up, Weslie gasped. The screen wrapped completely around us, alive with movement and color. It was interactive, immersive, and breathtaking. There was never a moment when either of us looked away. Watching Weslie experience it for the first time reminded me of being a little girl, seeing the movie change from black and white to color on our bulky television with rabbit ears—too heavy for the stand it sat on. I remember wondering how color could possibly appear like that. It felt like magic.

When the tornado came. Frenchie, it felt like we were inside it. The wind blew through our hair, leaves flew all around us, and our seats actually moved.  And then Dorothy sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I cried—just a little. When the Wicked Witch threw fireballs at the scarcrow big bolts of fire shot towards us. When the monkeys appeared, they flew all around us. It was astonishing—truly the most wonderful show I’ve ever seen.

Weslie loved it so much that she asked me to play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" over and over again. She wants to memorize it.

These are the moments you and I were supposed to share with our grandchildren. I promise you—I will continue to prioritize them. I want them to have good memories of me while I’m still here. That’s what life is really about: sharing joy, creating memories, and loving each other well.

Some days are harder than others. Haleigh still won’t speak to me. It’s been a year and a half since I last saw Ellis and Sena. My heart breaks over it. Blake says it’s her pride, but I still don’t understand what I’ve done to cause the distance. All I can do is pray that her heart softens. I don’t want to leave this world knowing she carries regrets—because you and I both know she would.

I miss you every day. Sometimes at night, I sit outside and imagine you looking down at me with that familiar grin. It brings me comfort.

I love you, babe.
Always have. Always will.
Until we meet again—
Good night.

Be Still My Soul

Dear Frenchie;

This has been a difficult week without you. We typically plan a summer trip to Paris, but who knows where we'd would go? IIt was always an adventure with you by my side. 'm not sure I can ever go back to Porte Jaune without you, my life is completely turned around right now and I continue to be triggered by the trauma of losing you.

Kayla has been coming over and helping me with going through your boxes upon boxes of 'stuff' that's all it is to me is just stuff without you nothing seems important to me, materially it is not the same without you. Blake's family is in California, making memories as a family. Haleigh and Scott have been gone all summer, I'm not sure when they will come home yet. I have been able to facetime with little Sena and Ellis. I can't begin to explain how important that was and I truly love her for thinking of me. Kaitlyn & Brian have been in Utah for a month or so. I sure miss them too, I tried to facetime with them but Kaitlyn never responded. She is working hard on her new job. I'm grateful she can be on vacation and work remotely. I think they came home yesterday.

When I was praying the other night I asked Heavenly Father help me make a decision about moving from this BIG house to a smaller one. Blake has been looking for me, he showed me house  he is remodeling by Lindsay and Elliott over by the Groves, you know I love the Groves. I went to look at it and it's the right size but the yard has a pool, and is bigger than I want. Luckily I have plenty of time to make those decisions. The next day after that prayer the Blandfords contacted me to say they would help me by allowing me to buy a spec home at cost. This is cheaper for a brand new house than the one Blake was showing me that was built in the 1980's.

I went to Reserve at Red Rock and found a lot I really liked. It was peaceful and quiet. Of course I am scared to death of the rattle snakes. Is this where you want me to be? Everyone in that neighborhood loves you, and I can't believe how many homes you sold.

Terry helped me walk through a couple of specs, I could feel your spirit there. You are so loved by so many of your clients ...? Is that what you call them? I spent some time with Sara and Isaiah and Saint. He is so cute and almost two next month. Sara is wanting to potty train Saint. Remember me doing that will all of our children? It seems like yesterday. Now they are potty training their own children. 

I'm waiting for the children to return from vacations so I can get their opinion. I will be sad to leave this home we have created for our family, but the upkeep and maintenance is going to kill me. I know you have always wanted to live out there in the dessert surrounded by cacti and rattle snakes. That part scares me, the walking trail is just behind lot 150 the spec I'm looking at. I thought it would be too far away from the children, but I rarely see or talk with them. Remember when Dad and Betty would get upset with us if we didn't talk constantly? I just know I should have never judged them because now as a grandmother of ten, I want to hear from them I want them to help me clear out this house but I'm afraid of getting rid of anything of yours.

Today in church I studied during the sacrament about covenants. I'm trying to keep the covenants I made with my Heavenly Father and you when we married for eternity. I will always love you with all my heart and cannot wait to see what eternity together is. I think of you 24/7 and think "What would Eric do.?" I cry daily remembering so much of our memories together, and the future memories we wanted to make with our children and grandchildren

I also looked at couples headstones together, you know I will be on top of you physically but with you in spirit when I die and I cannot wait for that day. In my bad humor I thought, "Well dad will be happy I'm on top." ha ha. But for now I will wait my time when the Lord wants me to come home, I just wish it was me first. I think the children would have liked more time with you. I love you so much, Kayla asked me about our story from beginning to end. I think I will type it up for her; I;m not sure the other kids will want to hear about you in a different light.I believe Kayla especially deserves to know the truth of what happened during that time. I wish I didn't have to do this but I know it is something she is really curious about. No matter what, I will let her know I have forgiven you and that you apologized the night at dinner in front of the Udall's the night before you died. 

I understand the shame you felt, I know you wanted to make your parents proud of you. I wish you never felt that, it was a different time in the church when we were raised and you had lovely parents who wanted to protect you. I will talk to you soon, I'm struggling right now with why Heavenly Father would take you from me at such a young age. I'm sure I'll never get that answer; I just want you back, physically with me.

See you Soon

I love you Monya

GOOD FOOD

 Dear Frenchie;

It's been so long, and I'm sorry, but life is upside down. 

I can't stop thinking about the night we were looking for a place to make out; you were a horn dog. We pulled over in a dark neighborhood, hoping we wouldn't get caught. Lol, but we did but the police, It was the Lords way of saying "Stop that." and we should have, but I was in Love with you. Remember how I kept you off of me for over 4 months. I love hugging you tight and the chills in our bodies. But I wanted to be a clean and virtuous bride. You, on the other hand, were a 29-year-old virgin, and you were horney.

Why did you wait so long to get married? If I even glanced at a very handsome man ... you hated it. You know you were jealous. Remember when we went out to eat with Kurt & Amy at some dump on Main Street? I will never forget you walking out and someone asking how the food was, and you pointed at the building and, in the weirdest voice, said, "GOOD FOOD." Amy and I couldn't stop laughing while Kurt just shook his head with that cute smile. Those were good times with them. I love them so much. Kurt called to check on me; he's sweet, much like your mom. 

I've been thinking a lot about how much we loved each other with our whole hearts, and I've decided it came from watching your mom and dad be so in love with each other, always holding hands and going to your softball games, cheering you on. We learned those things from you, teaching me that love is not something you can touch; it's a feeling. I never doubted you because I knew where you came from, and unfortunately, you did not know where I came from. You had a lot of years to teach me, and boy, did we both learn a lot.

Okay, I gotta go to sleep. I have work tomorrow. I like those memories. I'll help you remember when I talked to your pillow.

See You Soon, Babe

Monya

Dolphin World in San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

I thought about you all day today. I woke at 5:30 to see the sunrise and go to the estuary with Jori. Then Dwight picked us up with the boat. I got to see dolphins. It was so much fun. They swarm right next to the ship and are so playful.

Then we went out to Window Rock. It's gorgeous, and Dwight said it's an excellent place to dive. It was just me, Dwight, Jori, and her brother Scott. Then we headed over to pelican poop Island. Jori and I got out of the boat and looked for shells. There were the most beautifully colored shells out there. I collected quite a bit to add to our collection in Rocky Point. 

We ate at Sunset. I had flatbread that almost broke my teeth on—the crust was as hard as a rock, and you would have loved a beet salad.

The Sunset and sky were among the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It looked like pink cotton candy. I'm so happy Jori and Dwight invited me. A lot has stayed the same at Condos Pilar; now they have Del Fin condos next door, and they look nice, but I was happy staying with the Udalls. It's time for bed, but one day closer to being with you.

See You Soon

Monya

I'll see you in the stars

Today, I was alone most of the day. I started to go through Eric's paperwork ... I worked on separating medical, bank, and other stuff. Eric's body is supposed to be flown home tomorrow. I miss him and still cannot believe I will never physically hug or kiss him again.

Florence fell and broke her little arm in two places while Kaitlyn was at my house helping with plans for her dad's funeral arrangements. I felt so sorry for her when I saw the pictures. Florence is our youngest grandchild and is as cute as can be. She looks just like Kaitlyn did when she was a little girl.

When I took the garbage out tonight, I walked out the front door and saw the brightest, twinkling star—the only one I saw in the dark sky. I dropped the garbage and knew it was Eric winking at me. I could feel him watching over me. I stared at the star, wanting him to jump from the sky and hold me. After picking up the mess and getting it to the garbage can, I sat on my front doorstep staring at that star with memories of Eric and me. 

All the years we have shared together have allowed me to have thousands of memories with one of the greatest men I have ever met. We were not perfect parents, but we did our best with what we knew. We often talked about our children and asked each other if we could have done any better. One night, I remember him telling me we could have done better; he wished he had been more active in their lives, and his biggest regret was not attending church with them weekly. My biggest regret is that I wish I had been more patient, lowered my voice, and softened my heart. Then we talked about all the good memories that left us laughing and smiling. There were more good memories than bad. We loved each of our children unconditionally. We agreed it was just as hard to parent our adult children as it was for our once young babies, toddlers, and teenagers. No parent is perfect and we agreed our children will only understand that once they have adult children.

It was a special experience to stare at that star. So many fun, happy, silly memories ran through my head as tears dribbled down my cheeks. "I miss you, Frenchie."

Maui Day 3

 Today we went to a beautiful beach. It was called McKenna Beach. Of course, Eric got bored just sitting, so he and Dwight took a little hike over the mountain. I knew Dwight would be careful to ensure Eric would not overdo it. 

Jori and I stayed. We were good just visiting with each other on the beach. Around an hour or two later, the boys came back with big smiles on their faces. I asked Eric what in the world was making him smile so big. He said, "On the other side of that rock mountain is the most beautiful lagoon." I said, "Oh wow, I wish I wasn't worried about hiking over those rocks. I'd go with you." He laughed and said, "It was quite a hike, I took my time, but it was worth it. It's a naked beach ..." I was so surprised I giggled and said, "Seriously? What did you and Dwight do." Now Dwight, Jori, and Eric were all laughing. Eric said, "Well, Dwight said to me, "you ready to go for it?" Then I said, "Hell yeah, we took off our swimsuits and went swimming." I roared, laughing, and said, "You know everyone on the beach thought you two were 'partners'?" Dwight and Eric laughed and said simultaneously, "Who cares? We had so much fun and just made a memory." I could understand that Eric always says "Life is Good."