Dr. Sal Lettieri Eye Surgery

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24, 2015

Dr. Sal Lettieri's Eye Surgery

Tomorrow morning, I will enter Mayo Clinic Hospital for my 26th surgery. I'm having a lot of anxiety about this upcoming operation. I forced it so far into the back of my head, knowing we were going on a family vacation; suddenly, it hit me on the plane ride home. I'm not sure if it's because I realize what recovery will be like or if I am just so done with all this silly nonsense--it's like Groundhog Day, repeatedly.

I cannot wear my cochlear device. It is an excruciatingly painful ringing in my head and gives me terrible migraines and dizziness. However, I've lost most of my hearing in the left ear (the good one). I can't hear my alarm go off in the morning (usually, I can listen to that thing rings throughout my home's walls). I can't hear music, people talking, everyday things I have taken for granted. Although it is annoying, I will have to wait until after this surgery tomorrow with Dr. Lettieri. Hopefully, he will be taking the gold weight out of my eyelid placed in at the Cleveland Clinic (wrong size) and being upgraded to Platinum--I like to consider it an upgrade--GOLD to PLATINUM--, and I think I will save the Gold Weight--let's just see what Dr. Lettieri thinks about that......I paid for it, so why not take it home? That's the easy part; the more in-depth portion of the eye surgery is to fix the chronic dry eye--I didn't want to know the details about how that is done; Dr. Lettieri likes me to be informed of procedures--I frankly don't care or understand all that doctor jargon, so I told him "I trust you, just do it" I love and do trust him, I am in good hands tomorrow. Heather will be scrubbing in, too.... bonus for me; I love that girl.

Time to get to bed now. I have 5 hours before it's time to check in.

Divine Connections

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2015

Divine Connections

God knows every hair on my head. He knows who I am, and he knows what my future is. With this knowledge, I should have no fear. If I trust in the Lord, there should be no doubt of His love for me.
Living entirely in faith, knowing he will lead and guide me, is hard sometimes. I know He has my plan already mapped out. I've said so many times nothing happens by mistake. People come and go in my life for a reason, and I've made divine connections with some incredible individuals.

At Cleveland Clinic last summer, I met a woman named Darlene Ballard. I sat in the waiting area, feeling vulnerable and weak. I looked to my right, and she was sitting with her friend (I believe). I noticed Darlene right away. Her eye was completely shut. Without hesitation, I walked over and sat beside her. "Do you mind if I ask you what happened to your eye?" I knew I was taking a risk by asking such a bold question. Perhaps she was not like me. Would she be offended? I'm so glad I decided to speak with her. She turned to me, and immediately I felt something, a bond. "Of course, I don't mind." Darlene continued to tell me why her eye was closed. She had a benign tumor. It wrapped around her eye. Although she was elated the diagnosis was not favorable for cancer, this was and is a significant trial to overcome. Her journey with this unexpected burden will not soon be over. In fact, she will probably deal with this for the rest of her life. She explained that the surgeon could not get all the tumors, even after a grueling surgery. She was positive. She showed me her eye was beginning to open just a bit. I asked her if her eye would ever wholly open. Darlene said her surgeon told her it would open.

Last Sunday night, I received a phone call from Darlene. She was simply calling to check on me. We talked for quite a while. She has had another surgery since I last saw her. She explained it would take several surgeries to get the entire tumor. I believe she came into my life for a divine purpose. Sometimes the Lord closes a door so that another one can open. I know there is no support group for losing a nerve. However, Darlene and I have struggled with similar feelings and emotions. It is my pleasure to call her my new friend. I will continue to pray for her full recovery.

I've learned I cannot force things in my life to happen; I can't manipulate God and his timing. He brings the right people into my life, so I can weed out the wrong. This sounds strong. The truth is there will always be good and evil in life. We cannot know the good without experiencing the bad. We can only see the light if we have experienced the darkness.

My dear friend Sheldon passed away this week. I made a divine connection with him. I will always be grateful for that connection. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2008. I was diagnosed in 2009. Over these past 5 and a half years, we connected on a different level than I could with other people. Sometimes all I needed to do was turn around during church to meet his eye; at that moment, we both knew. I could see in his face if he was having a good or bad week. Today, my immediate prompting was to turn and see if he was there. Sheldon was a quiet giant; I never heard him complain. We shared moments, thoughts, and feelings about oncologists, medicine, chemo, and side effects. He had a great love for his family. He deeply loved his wife Kit and his children Estee, Noah, Peri, and Chloe. I often listened to him share his feelings about each one of his children. He didn't want Kit to deal with the effects of cancer and often took it all on himself. Kit was an incredible caregiver and strength for him. She was well aware of his care and was always concerned. She made sure Sheldon ate clean and healthy. I was always impressed at how well she balanced everything in her life. I understood him wanting to do things his way. I have felt those feelings of concern for my own family.   There have been many times I have chosen to not tell my family what is happening in my world at Mayo Clinic. I think this is normal for many people who deal with life-altering events.

I will be eternally grateful for the divine connections I have made. With my Heavenly Father, this connection has been invaluable. As I continue the journey of life, I will always recognize a prompting to introduce myself, find a friend or share a moment.

I AM

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2015

I Am

The past couple of months have been a mix of emotions. I am so excited for our new grandbaby to arrive in February. Kaitlyn is so cute and pregnant, and I love watching Brian transitioning from husband mode to the responsibility of becoming a father. They are going to be fantastic parents.

I've decided Cleveland Clinic is a great facility, but not for me. It's too difficult to be away from my family. After my last surgery in December, I have not heard back from them. This makes me nervous. We have been told several times that there is a small window of opportunity when working with a nerve. After discussing my feelings with Heather and Doctor Barrs, we decided to get me in with a fantastic doctor at Mayo Clinic. He is employed by Rochester Mayo Clinic but resides here in Arizona. He works at the Maricopa County Hospital and surgeries at Mayo Clinic in Arizona, seeing nerve and trauma patients every Wednesday and FridaFridays blessed to get an appointment with him.

I will have another surgery on February 8 feel good about the procedure Dr. Lettieri will perform. With this first surgery, I will have a much longer, more risky surgery in a few months. I will be spending at least a week in the ICU. I am at peace with our decision. I know I will be questioned about why I am going through more surgeries. Several people have already told me that if my doctor wants to do any more, I should say to them no. It was suggested I should just be happy with how I look and move forward.

I have contemplated and pondered that bold statement for over a month now. I am not a quitter; I am strong and willing to do whatever it takes to regain my smile. Vain? I am not fighting against a time frame to work with this nerve. I know myself well enough to know I will have regrets if I don't try, and that window closes. I choose to leave this life with no shame. Once I am told there is nothing more they can do, I will let go, but until then, this is what I think is best.

I want to point out that only 2% of people with a nerve die for no reason. This is not caused by a stroke or Bell's palsy. Most of those patients have a complete restoration of facial paralysis. My nerve is dead. It is not returning to life, not with therapy or standing in front of the mirror daily, begging facial muscles to move. There is no comfort I get knowing I need to live with this. There are no support groups. I have felt alone and disconnected from my family and friends. I have shed more tears over this than ever over my cancer diagnosis. I will not apologize to anyone for how I feel. I would hope people would be considerate of the decisions I have to make; they are difficult.

Most of us, including me, have this conception of ourselves. None of us want to think we are concerned with the look on our faces. I am here to tell you unless you have been through this, a part of that 2%, you do not know how you would handle it. This has messed with my head and made me doubt myself. I'm trying so hard to be patient, to remember when I felt like most of you. The fact is, I am part of that 2%, and I do have to deal with it. This may take years for me to feel comfortable. So many people have asked me why I am involved with Nerium International. It has been a year now since I made that decision. Before the paralysis, I felt like I needed to get out of the cancer world, and instead of always thinking about my next doctor appointment, I reconnected with friends.

Little, my life's best decisions were to with self-development. I know, without a doubt, the Lord was watching me. He knew what this facial paralysis would do to me. I have learned to love myself on a level wholly different than I ever imagined I could. Happiness comes from within; it is a process of finding yourself. I am in that process now. I have friends who don't know anything about my cancer journey, who didn't know me before the facial paralysis. They have helped me along this road of self-awareness. My friends, who have known me for years and seen me through so much, will forever be embedded in my heart; I love them eternally.

I have nothing to offer Nerium International, the company will grow and flourish with or without me, but I need to thrive and grow right now. I feel a part of something special; the philosophy of the company I already believed in, the integrity and loyalty I think is something I have wanted to be a part of my entire life. This is so much more than money for me, and I can make a difference and help others do the same. Right now, this is where I need to be. I have relied on the Lord for 5 years to make the correct decisions. I will not turn my back on the feelings I have now. I know He is with me and blessing me along this journey. I am continually telling myself I am beautiful, a daughter of God, an influence, and important, I am going to survive, and I am choosing the right.

I'm Trying ...

 

I'm trying...

I have missed a few blog posts so today I will post three.  First, I went to Cleveland Clinic, had my surgery with Doctor Gustman, then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him... "You made a mistake on your blog, which was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the miss count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" So there you have it, yes, I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life-altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down-to-earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone in conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes and learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it, and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (This is not the case she had about eight hundred people on that call) I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Gracefully and gently, she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, and who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 months that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful in doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person and to learn that when I fall, I can be lifted and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be led and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where, or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of nowhere he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked, "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to, and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" A little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for complete physical healing.  I have felt broken, alone, and misunderstood. To finally say aloud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physicians have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficulty was?

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful" for some reason that ".... but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul, is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Blessed Abundantly

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2014

Blessed Abundantly

Well, I made it to Cleveland Clinic. Rather than dwell on what was coming up, I focused on more positive thoughts. If you do not have a LIVE HAPPY magazine, I am a Live Happy ambassador and would love to get you one; please send me your address; it costs you nothing, but it will enhance your life tremendously; I love it.

I had a day filled with tests and pre-op appointments. It is freezing here in Cleveland, not what this Arizona girl is used to. Eric flew in last night to be with me for the surgery; I reassured my surgeon I was flying home on Saturday; his PA was a little shocked at my boldness, but I needed to be with my family. One remarkable thing is that I am flying in 1st class, drugged up, and hopefully feel no pain.

So many struggles privately; I would be one of them. However, I don't have that pleasure; my obvious insecurity and self-doubt have been public but have helped me develop in ways I arrogantly didn't think I needed. To those who struggle anxiously and quietly, please know I pray for you daily--it's the least I can do, and I HOPE for some relief from your pain.

Life is so full of difficulties; no one is perfect, and no situation is always ideal, but for me, right now, I am doing all I can to become OK with who I am, what I physically look like to others, and work on my worth as a person, not an object. I love who I am becoming and realize I have much more to work on. The beauty of this life is that we get to start all over again tomorrow with a renewed perspective--and if we don't make it to tomorrow--guess what? There's still HOPE--He will pick up the pieces and carry us through to our new journey.

We all need someone to talk to, someone who really understands. For parts of my life, Sonya and Kris have been my people. Eric, my eternal partner, understands and helps me to achieve my goals with ambition and constant encouragement. Amazingly my little Recker looks into my eyes at times, and I know he realizes and senses my solitude. Yes, I am blessed in abundance.

Botox...Seriously?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 2014

Botox...Seriously?

Yesterday I was at work sitting at my desk, and a girl walked up to me and whispered, "where did you get your Botox done on your forehead" I whispered back with a shhh and finger over my crooked mouth. "Are you kidding me? She said I don't have Botox, "then why doesn't your eyebrow move?" "Umm, because I have a partial facial paralysis." she then said, "Oh, you were gone for a while and I just assumed when I saw you that you must have had some Botox, or plastic surgery done." Again, I'm laughing inside. Still, I replied as I took off my reading glasses "look at me, I mean really look at me, does it look like I had plastic surgery? If this is the result of plastic surgery, I got ripped off." 

Wednesday, I had an appointment with Dr. Barrs at Mayo Clinic. I was a little anxious to see him and to see what his reaction to me would be. I love him and was worried he would be upset with me for going to Cleveland Clinic. I couldn't of been more wrong; he came in with his big smile, arms out, reached for a hug, and said, "As I live and breath, who is this beautiful patient?" Pleased as I could be, I jumped up and hugged him back. I told him I felt like I was HOME at Mayo Clinic, not that there was really anything I didn't like about Cleveland Clinic, but there is a reason Mayo comes in #1 every year with ratings from patients and medical statistics. I told him Dr. Haberkamp was great to work with and that my leaving had nothing to do with him; it was the procedure the other Doctor proposed at Mayo. I was just jabbering. He shook his head and said, "I was never upset or took it personally." even if that was not really how he felt, he was classy enough to make me believe him. He sat on the chair before me and wanted to hear the Cleveland Clinic experience. I also told him Dr. Haberkamp said he wanted us to tell Dr. Barrs his work on my ear was impeccable.
He examined my ear and said everything looked good, but we will need MRIs a couple of times a year on the head. Kathleen came in to visit with me; she is beautiful inside and out, and was so concerned about me, she embraced me as she left the examining room and said "I love you"

  My eye is still the biggest concern now, he agrees but I'm doing all I've been asked to do. Cleveland Clinic is calling to schedule the next surgery, I told Erin (gastman's PA) I can't think about that right now. That chapter needs to end, ironically enough I think it's just the beginning of the end. This is so hard.

Today, Friday I had the privilege of seeing my oncologist Dr. Donald Northfelt. I think for most cancer patients this is a bitter/sweet appointment to have. I started to fret and worry last night, my mind has been so pre-occupied lately with all that has happened, I have not let my  brain think of today. No panic attacks getting off the 3rd floor elevator today, that's progress. Maryann came in to see me, greeted me with a huge hug, we both had tears. She is incredibly insightful, when I was in Cleveland she said a prayer with me over the phone. We visited awhile, it felt warm and loving to be with "my" people again--I know both Mayo Clinic campus's like the back of my hand, but today being back was a feeling of reunion, rather than burden. Anxiously waiting to see Dr. Northfelt, I am so grateful I listened to the spirit when I was led to him for my oncologist, I love him. He went over my blood work and said it looks good right now. For me, for right now, as in today, this is who I needed to see. Dr. Northfelt promised to be with me the entire journey and so far, he has, he gets it. Once he was done with his report and examination, he sat down looked at me, no words needed to be said, I could tell by looking in his eye's he could feel my burden was heavy. We talked a bit about the past few months, but didn't hover...we moved on to happier thoughts. I told him about working with Nerium and how positive the atmosphere is for me. I also explained to him about the Live Happy Movement trying to get more happiness in the world by spreading my own happy thoughts with others hoping they will also spread the word to BE HAPPY no matter what the circumstance. We had a great visit, I will never be able to articulate the feelings I have of HOPE just because he is who he is, not only a wonderful doctor but knowing he deals with people like me everyday, I always feel like I am his only patient, and that he loves me.

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Beauty is from Within

THURSDAY JULY 10014

Beauty is from within

I don't know where to start. It's difficult to type, but I need to record what happened this past week. I was so happy when Eric came for my surgery; he makes everything better, we have never been apart for this long and it has been hard on both of us. Seven weeks of waiting is a difficult road to ride. I read my new Live Happy Magazine over and over, Knowing I Can Make a Difference--figuring out how the hard part was.

On July 3, at the Cleveland Clinic around 5:30 am, Eric and Diana were with me. As I paced the floor, not wanting anyone to talk to me or touch me, I realized I was having a panic attack and prayed to Heavenly Father to take this pain and anxiety away. He did, and I was soon off to the O.R. to get dressed in the hospital gown--It doesn't matter what hospital you're in; the robes are all the same.
Before Eric came back to see me off to surgery, I said several quick prayers asking Heavenly Father to watch over the surgeon's hands and asked if it were His will that he would allow me to heal from this odd, unexpected trial I was facing. I wanted to put my head under the pillow and hold it down so I could scream, cry and forge through this quickly.

Frenchy sending me off to surgery.

Ready for Surgery with Diana Lents

Eric kissed me on the forehead as they wheeled me into the OR; it was challenging to maintain my composure, tears flowed from my eyes and onto my pillow. Down the hallways of Cleveland Clinic, I saw a wall with 30-50 white coats hanging on hooks; I started to cry again. Those coats belong to doctors who will come to the hospital, take their white coats off the hook, and go to work. The tears continued to flow as nurses came up to me, asking what they could do for me--I shook my head back and forth and watched them walk away, not knowing what to do. I wanted them to put me out and get going on this surgery. I always look forward to going to my Happy Place in Paris Port Jaune; Eric and I pick wildflowers, ride bikes, and have a picnic, leaving the rest of the world and worries behind. I'm ready to move on with the surgery and hopefully put this chapter to rest,

This picture still brings me to tears; Eric is the
the most positive person I know--thank you Frenchie

I woke up in recovery in a lot of pain; I was trying to process where the pain was coming from, as the Nurse said, "Mrs. Williams, time to wake up. Do you know where you are?" "How many fingers am I holding up?" It was then that I realized the surgery was over; my immediate response was to touch my head to see what damage had been done. It was an 11-hour surgery, lots of anesthesia, blood, and what's this? A neck brace--I'm confused--Eric and Diana came into recovery; Eric told me I was beautiful. I thought his saying I was beautiful was so sweet, and I knew it wasn't true; how could I be beautiful with blood all over me, a swollen head, and staples making their way down my skull like a train track?

Just out of surgery

So happy to be with this guy

a kiss from Frenchy

Going back to my room, I kept going in and out of consciousness; not only does Cleveland have bumpy roads, but the driver taking me back to the room was also bumping into walls and doors. He also asked me what I would like him to sing for me, really? He wanted to sing; I said OK, Luther would be good, so he started singing Luther Vandross 'Here and Now' I told him it was beautiful, but not to quit his day job. He put his pointer finger to his mouth as if to shhh me. We arrived at my room; I had a few minutes before Eric and Diana came so I cried a little. I was overwhelmed with immediate love and peace when Eric walked into my room. With Eric, I don't have to say a word and he knows what I think. I sure don't want to disappoint him; he has been my rock and my friend Mysti has been with me through all this nonsense,

 On day two at the hospital, it was a Holiday..the 4th of July. The doctors on my team sent their residents to visit me. One resident told me he was there in place of my pain doctor, and he would put in orders for my pain medicine. Within a half hour, my pain slowly rose to a 6; I beeped for the Nurse and asked her for pain medicine. She said she would get it right away; within a few more minutes, my pain rose to level seven. I beeped for the Nurse again, asking for pain medicine. She then told me the resident did not put any orders in for pain medicine...WHAT? By now, I was at level eight going on nine ...the pain was so bad I started to cry, then I asked the Nurse to please call my husband; just wanted him there. From this point on, I tried to process happy thoughts and happy moments; sometimes worked sometimes it just didn't. I stared at the clock, not only waiting for the meds but also wanting Eric to be with me; he always makes things better. I was out of breath and crying so hard, trying to catch my breath I was sobbing in pain. The sweet Nurses rubbed my arms and legs trying to help, but she too was crying so we were not getting too far. I tried to sing "Be still my soul" through the gulps of air, then I sang "Come thou font."  Trying to tune my heart to Him. I sang, "I feel my Savior's Love"

  My room was right in front of the nurse's desk so they could watch me and monitor my pain levels. I was staring at the clock and whimpering loudly, out of control. I was on my own, I felt deserted, left alone, scared, and crying the hardest I ever had in my life. I was yelling in between cries, "Why have you ignored my pleas and prayers?" This was going to be my last day on earth, and I would not be able to say goodbye to Eric. Before every surgery, I write a letter to Eric and each one of my children. I paged the Nurse and asked her if she had contacted Eric, she said no, I asked her to please give him the letters in my backpack in case I didn't make it.

The other patients in the area where I was were complaining, telling the nurses to get my doctor or move them so they wouldn't have to hear me--I tried so hard to stop crying, the nurses were coming in saying how sorry they were, but they couldn't do anything until they heard from the doctor. I could hear nurses at the station outside of my room, they were laughing and joking with each other. The cackling of laughter I heard I will never forget. My desperate cry for help was falling on deaf ears. After an hour and sixteen minutes, the resident came into my room. He walked up to me and said "Why are you crying? It can't hurt that bad." I was covering my mouth because I knew I must have looked horrible. Then he said something that made me want to kick him "Why are you covering your mouth?" Looking back on this I say, "Are you kidding me?" I also recognize he was showing off as the senior resident to the junior residents. I didn't respond except with a cry and a loud scream "Please help me" Finally the pain medicine was surging through my veins with purpose and strength. As he walked out of the room, I heard the Nurse ask "Where have you been for an hour and 15 minutes? We have been paging you?" Arrogantly as possible he turned looked at the Nurse and said, "I don't have to answer to you."  When I could finally speak without trembling, I didn't want to, I just wanted Eric. I had been wailing and gnashing from side to side for an hour and 15 minutes, it took every bit of energy I had. My heart was racing but my blood pressure was low. When Eric arrived all was calm, he had no idea except he asked me "Sweetheart have you been crying?"  Uh--just a bit and I could see the hurt in his eyes as I told him, Eric said no one ever called him, which now in retrospect I realize was best. He never gets mad, but I'm sure this was not going to be acceptable behavior, I know he would have gone crazy seeing me in that much pain.

Today I had my post-op appointments with the surgeons, and they told me my ear looks great and everything is healing perfectly. Still, I am in a lot of pain, and I just want to go home.

I was told I can go home, and that I will need to see Doctor Barrs for the next few weeks, then in two months we will see how the nerve in my face has regenerated. The doctors told me this type of major surgery with nerves takes at least six to eight months to see results, so patience is going to be my middle name. Tonight, I am exhausted from the appointments, I am grateful for Dr. Haberkamp. I hope I never see Dr. Cocky Face again. I am looking forward to seeing my family. The happiness I feel in my heart far outweighs the horrible experience I had at the hospital. I'm going to live happily with the results of my surgery no matter what.

Happiness comes from within and is found in the present moment by making peace with the past and looking forward to the future. Eric was right when he said "You are beautiful"

I think I look terrible here, but my sister
said, "well you have no wrinkles, Nerium
is working"  

I was able to send those beautiful nurses who took such great care of me a note telling them how grateful I was for their compassion during a horrible time.

 

I feel my Saviors Love

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2014

I feel my Savior's Love

 Rainbows always show up when I need a sign from Heavenly Father
that he here's me. They are magnificent to me.

Well, I'm here again the night before a significant surgery, hoping and praying I've been away from my family will prove worth it this time. Making decisions without Eric or the kids helping me has been challenging. Every hour, I need to say a silent prayer to the Lord to bless me with a light that can feed my brain with knowledge. Then I ask them to help me be still enough to hear what He is trying to teach me. 

 I know change, and fears of change, have been on my mind. I've been walking around with a patch on my right eye; I hope the drops I've put in it night and day, along with the patch 22/7, were enough to not have a cornea transplant. My time alone has given me time to reach down and ask some gut-wrenching questions. One is, can I live a quality life with my face the way it is right now? Am I confident enough to live the rest of my life having people stare, to hear children say to their parents, "what is wrong with that lady's face or eye?" I've had a few even ask me themselves; I just tell them I have a boo-boo. 

These past 5 weeks in Cleveland, I've gotten inner strength I never thought I had. I wish I could understand His plan for me. I've read my scriptures and Preach My Gospel chapter 6, every day trying to be led to a place I need to be, asking and begging Him to teach me what I need to do so that I can return and live with Him one day. I don't know how I'm doing in that area; this is so hard. I need to hold on to everything I know to be accurate and not let go. Those things I know are precious to me and can never be taken from me. I've had many spiritual experiences since my 1st surgery at Mayo. The Lord loves me enough to give me a glimpse into my future; it is beautiful; every time I wake up, I want to go back, but I'm always told, "It's not your time; you must return and finish your journey." 

I received a text from a friend today (I don't want to reveal her name. She knows who she is). She had been thinking of me but didn't quite know the right words to say. She then said I hope you can get the answers you're looking for if it is the Lord's will. When I read that part, I could not get it off my mind... What is the Lord's will for me? Even I don't know the answer to that. She mentioned the fact she has been the caregiver of 2 sons who have been struggling with health issues; she said something else that has stuck in my head...she said she would gladly take their pain on herself so these boys would not have to feel it. This reminded me of the feelings our Heavenly Father must have when He sees his children struggling, He easily could take our pain away, but for some reason, He never does; why is that? I believe He wants us to learn to rely on Him entirely, give Him all we have, then sit back and have FAITH, have enough HOPE in Him to make miracles happen, or be strong enough to accept what is being presented to us, and find a way to live a happy life in whatever circumstances we are faced with.

I also received a text from my sweet Haleigh Bear:
H: "mom, when are you coming home.?
M: "Good question; it all depends on how well the surgery goes. I'm praying it all goes excellent so I can go home this weekend. I'm really scared.
H: We miss you so much, I pray for you every morning and night and I have faith that the surgery will go well. Don't be scared. The Heavenly Father is always looking over you, and dad will be there.
M; yes, I'm looking forward to seeing him; this is the longest we have ever been away from each other. He's the only one who knows how to calm me when I get those anxiety attacks while I'm waiting for surgery; I just don't want to ever feel that extreme pain from the nerve again."

Have I kept my promises to Him? When I was about fourteen, I promised the Lord if He would get me out of the situation I was in, I would promise to live a life of pure intent, I would share His Gospel with others, I would study and share with others how to live a happy life, no matter what. These past 5 years are different from what I had in mind. When I look in the mirror, I don't see what He sees. I know He sees the heart inside me, and He knows how much strength I have; he has shown me I can handle any trial I face. He's always been there beside me; I know when I kneel to pray to Him, He always answers back, it's not always the answer I want, or the timing is not always when I want it to be. I believe in Miracles, and He is the only one who can make those happen.

Going into this surgery, I feel all alone; even though Eric is here, I feel like I am negotiating with the Lord for my life. My anxiety for this surgery differs from what I have fished with other surgeries. I'm far away from home, and I just must keep remembering no matter where I am, He is always there, just one prayer away. I feel like this road is getting longer and longer, harder and harder to maintain calm. My heart is beating in my chest; I don't know if I can ask Him to take that away. I realize my life is forever changed, and I will never be the same again; I hope I can be a better version of myself; even with my face disfigured, I know who I am, and I know the kind of person I want to be. As a person who has witnessed what Heaven feels like, I cannot deny what I know to be true. I know the Lord has a plan for me; I just need to figure out what that is.

Tonight, as I lie down to sleep: I feel my Savior's love; his gentleness enfolds me, and when I kneel to pray, my heart is filled with peace; he knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him, I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.