Father's Day 2026

 

Dear Frenchie,

Well, hello again—and Happy Father’s Day to you.

Later today, I will drive out and place flowers at your gravesite. I’m not sure why I go there as often as I do. I think I find peace in knowing your body rests there, even though I understand that your spirit has moved on.

Eric, you were the best of the best fathers. I am so grateful I had the privilege of raising our children with you. They are good, happy, and genuinely kind people. Isn’t that what success really looks like?

Most of the time, you and I disagreed about the consequences they should face for misbehaving. You wanted them to pull weeds in the backyard or clean out a room or closet that you probably needed to clean yourself. The weed-pulling punishment was especially difficult for me because Gary used to make us do the same thing. It was a real trigger, and I hated that rule. I probably raised my voice more than I should have.

Actually, there is no “probably” about it. I did.

I wish we could take back some of those moments, but I also believe they helped me understand both of us a little better now that you are gone. I have never liked the saying, “We did the best we could,” but in many ways, it is true. We made mistakes—some we would give anything to undo—but we also apologized, learned, and tried to do better.

Parenting without you has been sad and difficult. Since moving, I don’t see or talk to the kids and grandchildren as often as I might have if I had stayed in our Gilbert home. I miss that part of my life so much.

At the same time, moving has forced me to create a life with some balance. I have made new friends and found walking buddies in the neighborhood, including people you once sold homes to. I even started a Bunco group in the ward, and there is always a waiting list. They love it—and so do I. I also join the widows in my ward on Thursday nights to play cards. They are a hoot; of course, I am the youngest amongst them, but man, do they love to share life experiences I love. laugh and learn from.

Learning who I am without always being known as “Eric’s wife” or “Kayla, Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh’s mom” has helped me discover more of myself. Don’t get me wrong—I still treasure those titles. They are among the greatest honors of my life.

But as I continue moving forward, I am also Monya Williams.

I am a woman trying to become a better person. I am learning to laugh at myself, to worry less about my facial paralysis, and to live fully even without the smile I once had. I am releasing the shame I carried about my mothering. I am grateful that the Lord entrusted these four amazing children to our family.

I will no longer allow thoughts of failure and unworthiness to take up space in my mind, and I will never place those thoughts upon our children. They are adults now, making their own choices and living their own lives. I love them exactly as they are.

You would too.

Happy Father’s Day, Babe.

I love you so much.

Lloyd Ryan

 

Dear Frenchie,

I attended Lloyd’s funeral today. I don’t think I have ever been to a memorial where so many people laughed and smiled.

Lloyd was such a wonderful example to everyone who knew him. His brother spoke about how he worked at the hospital for more than thirty years. When Banner took over and introduced new policies, Lloyd didn’t like the changes, so he quit. You know as well as I do how difficult major changes in routine can be for someone on the spectrum. Good for him—he knew what worked for him and stayed true to himself.

He lived in the same ward for sixty-eight years. It was amazing to hear how many lives he touched and how much happiness he brought to others. He was never late for work, never missed a day, and followed the same routine each and every day.

They said he didn’t spend much of the money he earned; he saved it. I found myself wondering what he was saving it for. You did that too. You worked so hard and rarely enjoyed the money you made, except when we traveled together. I am so grateful for those vacations and the memories we created.

I would be amazed if anyone walked away from Lloyd’s funeral without wanting to become a better person. His life was quiet and consistent, yet his influence reached so many people.

I know how much you loved your family, so today I felt as though I was there representing you. I was surprised that no one else from your family attended. I called Kurt on my way home and felt terrible when I realized he hadn’t known that Lloyd had passed away. Raylani and Doran didn’t know either.

Even with the sadness, it was a good day—a day filled with laughter, memories, and a reminder that a simple life lived with kindness and dedication can leave a lasting impression.

I love you, Babe, and I miss you.

Happy Birthday

 

Happy Birthday, My Love

Today is your birthday.

I am in Mexico with some friends from my ward. It has been a while since I have been here, and being back has stirred up more memories than I expected.

We rented a car from Hertz. I didn’t feel comfortable taking my new car because it still has temporary plates. Maybe that sounds a little crazy, but one of my friends is a little nervous about being in Mexico. Obviously not nervous enough not to come, but nervous enough. Her husband, Chris, is a DEA agent and never really wanted her to come down here. It reminds me a little of Kevin Bennett being a police officer. I suppose people in those kinds of jobs know much more about what “really” happens than the rest of us do. As for me, I think there is some peace in not knowing everything. Sometimes ignorance really can feel like a blessing.

The weather has been beautiful. The sunrises and sunsets are absolutely gorgeous. There is something about the sky here that feels different to me. Softer. Warmer. More peaceful.

When I drove up to the security gate, they remembered me. They asked how I was doing and welcomed me with big smiles. The HOA office remembered me too, and they talked about Blake’s and Brian’s families. It touched me more than I expected.

Walking into the condo brought back so many memories of you. I had no idea how many little things would take me right back to the two of us being here together—the walks, the talks, the vendors, the security guards, the familiar streets, the places we loved. Everywhere I turned, there you were.

Of course, I ran and got fruit bowls for one of my friends. She loved hers so much, and it made me smile because I knew you would have loved that.

We shopped at the Malecón and had lunch at Poncho’s. He gave me a big hug and welcomed us like no time had passed. I took my friends to all your favorite places to eat, and we loved every one.

There is such a peaceful feeling I have here. The sunrises and sunsets mean so much more to me in this place. I can almost feel you smiling down on me with your twinkling eyes. And, of course, the mangos were ripe and delicious.

Estifano’s wife was so kind. She asked me about Kaitlyn and her family. I thought that was so sweet of her, and it reminded me again how many pieces of our life are still here, tucked into this place and these people.

Happy birthday, my love.

I appreciate you and love you more and more every day.

Love,
Monya

My April Lesson

Hey Babe,

Today I taught in Relief Society. The lesson was based on Dallin H. Oaks’ talk “Alive in Christ and the Resurrection.”

As I stood there teaching, I felt you with me. Not just a passing thought—but a real, quiet presence. It was emotional… in a way I didn’t expect.

I shared stories about my birth father, Colby—and about you.

I told them Colby was a good man. All I ever wanted was for him to be my dad. He was kind and gentle… but he carried demons he couldn’t overcome. The night he hit me in a drunken rage—that wasn’t who he truly was. Addiction changes people. It clouds memory, distorts truth. I don’t think we ever really knew what happened that night.

He said I was playing with the ironing board, that he asked me to stop and I didn’t. Then he struck me—his hand across the side of my three-year-old head.

I believe that moment haunted him for the rest of his life.

Mom divorced him, and over the years, we barely spoke. Maybe ten times, if that. But every time we did, he would say the same words: “I’m so sorry, honey.”

And every time, I would stop him and say, “I forgave you a long time ago.”

But now I see it differently.

When he sobered up, the weight of what he had done crushed him. And instead of healing, he ran back to the very thing that destroyed him. Over and over again.

Now, I find myself wishing I could say something different:
“I’m sorry too… for the anger I carried. I just wanted you to be my daddy. I wanted you to rescue me.”

I believe he’s in Heaven now. Whole. At peace. I wonder if you’ve seen him. I hope you have.
I look forward to the day I see you both again… along with your mom and dad.

The lesson also touched on something that stayed with me. As members of the Church, we sometimes feel misunderstood—but we’ve also had moments in our history where we didn’t fully accept others either. That has to change.

You and I never lived that way. We’ve loved people from all walks of life, all beliefs. And truthfully, many of them have been better at loving than I have.

That’s what I’m learning—really learning.
To love people where they are. Not where I wish they would be.

Because if we are judging, we are not loving. And if we are not loving, we are not living like Christ.
That’s the part I’m still working on every single day.

Haleigh still hasn’t reached out.

And I’ve come to a hard realization… I can’t keep doing this to my heart. It’s exhausting. I love her unconditionally—I always will. And I will always be here when she’s ready. But I think it’s time for me to write one final letter and let her know that.

I’ll pray. I’ll fast. I’ll make sure it comes from love—not pain.

As I prepared this lesson, a thought kept coming to me: she’s not there yet.
Not in the place of unconditional love.

And maybe that’s okay—for now.

Because I know who she is.
She is kind. She is gentle. She has always been that way.

She stood beside me during cancer. During her senior year—when people constantly asked her about me, about my illness. I know that hurt her more than she ever said out loud. And I will never forget it.

And I will never forget her final dance at Highland High… “Curing Cancer, Dancer by Dancer.”

I sat there, bald, watching our little girl cry as she danced to a song she chose just for me.
She doesn’t cry easily.

That moment… it held everything.

I have made mistakes. I see them more clearly now than ever before. But I am so grateful that every day, I can repent. Every day, I can forgive—and ask for forgiveness.

I am trying to become more like Christ. I fail often… but I’m changing. I can feel it—in my thoughts, in my actions, in the way I see people now.

And I want you to know something, too.

Thank you… for asking me for forgiveness—for a lifetime of hurt.
That mattered more than you may ever understand.

And I need you to hear me clearly:

I forgive you.

All of it.
Even the things that almost broke us.

We’ve carried things that could have destroyed our marriage… but they didn’t.
Because love—real love—chooses to stay, to heal, to forgive.

And I choose you. Still.

I love you.
Monya

The Wizard of Oz

 Dear Frenchie,

Besides our magical first trip to Paris together, Weslie and I just returned from the second most wonderful trip I’ve ever taken. You know how much I’ve always loved The Wizard of Oz—and Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I remember telling you I wanted that song sung at my funeral. You wrinkled your nose and dismissed the idea completely. Now that you’re gone, I suppose I get to make the decisions for my own funeral party.

This time, Weslie and I headed to Las Vegas for the weekend. We stayed at the MGM Grand, and the room was beautiful—comfortable, calm, and just right. On Saturday morning, we went to see The Wizard of Oz at the Sphere. I had no idea what I’d bought when I purchased the tickets, but imagine my surprise when we discovered we had VIP seats. We were escorted into a private lounge with unlimited food and drinks. You would have loved that part—and I would have loved seeing your face when you realized it was all included.

We were given a beautiful poster and $50 to spend at the merchandise shop. Of course, I handed the money straight to Weslie. She chose the softest Wizard of Oz sweatshirt, and I picked one too—There’s No Place Like Home. Something I know you would’ve happily bought for both of us.

Our seats were perfect—front and center, Section 206, with no one in front of us. I’ll admit, it was worth every dime. I know you wouldn’t have spent that kind of money… but if you’d seen what we saw, I think you might have changed your mind.

When the screen opened up, Weslie gasped. The screen wrapped completely around us, alive with movement and color. It was interactive, immersive, and breathtaking. There was never a moment when either of us looked away. Watching Weslie experience it for the first time reminded me of being a little girl, seeing the movie change from black and white to color on our bulky television with rabbit ears—too heavy for the stand it sat on. I remember wondering how color could possibly appear like that. It felt like magic.

When the tornado came. Frenchie, it felt like we were inside it. The wind blew through our hair, leaves flew all around us, and our seats actually moved.  And then Dorothy sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I cried—just a little. When the Wicked Witch threw fireballs at the scarcrow big bolts of fire shot towards us. When the monkeys appeared, they flew all around us. It was astonishing—truly the most wonderful show I’ve ever seen.

Weslie loved it so much that she asked me to play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" over and over again. She wants to memorize it.

These are the moments you and I were supposed to share with our grandchildren. I promise you—I will continue to prioritize them. I want them to have good memories of me while I’m still here. That’s what life is really about: sharing joy, creating memories, and loving each other well.

Some days are harder than others. Haleigh still won’t speak to me. It’s been a year and a half since I last saw Ellis and Sena. My heart breaks over it. Blake says it’s her pride, but I still don’t understand what I’ve done to cause the distance. All I can do is pray that her heart softens. I don’t want to leave this world knowing she carries regrets—because you and I both know she would.

I miss you every day. Sometimes at night, I sit outside and imagine you looking down at me with that familiar grin. It brings me comfort.

I love you, babe.
Always have. Always will.
Until we meet again—
Good night.

Christmas 2025

Dear Frenchie 

I woke up this morning to the rain — sweet, welcome rain that finally cooled us down. It’s been much needed. This is the first Christmas I can remember with temperatures in the 70s, and honestly? I don’t like it. You would love it, though. The forecast promised a few days of rain; instead, we got maybe an hour. Still, the Red Mountains outside my back patio were breathtaking in the mist and drizzle.

I didn’t do much today. I watched a Lifetime Christmas movie. Thought about you all day. And cried a little. I miss you — especially on holidays.

I received a message from Blake that said:

“Merry Christmas, Mama, I love you.”

Simple words, but they wrapped around my heart all day.

Kayla called to check on me. She’s been sick, and so were the boys. Of course, I didn’t want her coming over ill, so I told her to rest and that we’d talk another time. Haleigh sent three pictures — one of you standing in the snow, one of you and me together in the snow, and one of Ellis and Sena opening gifts this morning.

In that moment, memories overtook me.

I remembered that ski trip … the one where you tried to teach me how to ski for the first time. Oh boy, that was a mistake. You could glide down the mountain like a pro — I loved watching you. But when it came to teaching me? Patience wasn’t on your radar. You wanted me to catch on quickly so we could ski together. I just remember how hard it was — the bruises on my body and my ego.

I ran off the path more times than I can count — into trees, off balance, falling. You’d yell, “Monya … turn in your knees … what don’t you understand?” Then you’d ski down to meet me, completely perplexed.

I’d cry, and you’d ski off, shaking your head.

I vowed then I would never let you coach me again on anything you could do far better than I. I finally retired to the lodge, drank hot chocolate, and — would you believe it — met Robert Redford and his wife.

When I think about that now, it makes me laugh. You have never been the most patient when it comes to teaching — remember trying to help the kids with math and getting so frustrated with their homework?

Later in the day, my Bishop invited me to his home for dinner. I knew the kids were busy and I wouldn’t be seeing them, so I texted him to say I would love to come.

But first, I went to your grave. I shed a few tears, placed flowers, and talked to you — quietly, like I always do. I’ve come to realize something: most of the frustrating memories I have with you are now the ones I wouldn’t trade for anything. They make me laugh. They make me shake my head. They remind me why we allow silly things to ever upset us in the first place.

At dinner, Bishop Evans and his wife, Katie, told me about the years they struggled to carry a baby. Katie’s mom and dad were there too. They’ve served five missions — two as Mission Presidents. Katie served in France when she was young, and she lit up when I told her you had served in Belgium.

They most recently served in the Philadelphia Spanish-speaking mission, and before that, in the Dominican Republic. I told them I would love to serve on a mission someday — that when I retire, I plan to do just that. They made me feel so comfortable and welcomed.

Overall, Christmas Day was memorable — not in the way I expected, but in a way that reminded me of love, loss, connection, and the strange beauty that comes with remembering. I came home last night hoping our children had a great day too.

I love you,
Monya

Christmas Eve 2025

 Hello Sweetheart,

My heart has been tender these past couple of days. Christmas will always be a reminder of the memories we shared. I remember you going out shopping every Christmas Eve with Mike Scow, convinced you two could find last-minute gifts for your wives. When I think of how magical you always made Christmas for our children, it tears me up.

Last night, I made cheeseballs for members I know in my new ward. I cranked up the Christmas music and rolled those balls with a smile — and lots of thoughts of you. I took one to my bishop, Jason Evans, along with a book I recently bought at Deseret Book called Direct Messages, a collection of social media posts from the General Authorities this year. Bishop Evans was happy for both the cheeseball and the book.

As I was walking away, he asked if there was significance to making the cheeseballs. I told him you, and I loved doing that for our VIP friends. Then he asked if I had plans for tonight or Christmas. Sadly, I told him I had no plans. Then he invited me to his home for Christmas dinner with his family. I told him I’d let him know, but I wasn’t sure.

Kaitlyn posted a beautiful tribute to you today, and it brought me to tears. She truly loves you and often feels you near. Blake called this morning and asked if he could bring Wes and Zeek over to play, and if I could drop them off at 1:00. Of course, I told him I would love to — so he and Chloe could get their last-minute wrapping done. I waited until 12:30… but he never came. And he didn’t answer his phone when I called. I’m sure he was just busy; he wanted to take Wes to get a gift for his mama. You would be proud of him — he is such a great dad and so kind.

Kayla will come over tomorrow with the boys. I’m excited to hear how their Christmas will go. Recker is getting so big, Ezra is in the choir at his school, and Teddy is such a sweet boy. I see them more than any of the grandchildren, and I know that would have made you very happy. Kayla and I have grown much closer. I’m amazed at her ability to handle what she is going through with Jeremy, but I wish they would move forward with the divorce. It seems inevitable, so I don’t know why they wait. As parents, we never really know everything — and I’m okay with that. I just want to see her happy again. We’ve often talked about how we thought you would have handled all this mess with Jeremy. I know you, and I would have been on the same page. I know you were disappointed in Jeremy, and this would have stirred you up even more. I just let her know I am here for her if she needs anything.

Haleigh and Scott are still not communicating with me. I miss them, and I haven’t seen our grandchildren for over a year. But I have learned these things can’t be rushed, and my door is always open to them. I still bought them gifts, and Blake delivered them.

I have felt you so strongly this week. Thank you for that — and I thank Heavenly Father for allowing it to happen. These tender mercies help me through the days when I long to be with you again, when my tears come easily from missing you so much.

I am going to bed tonight, so grateful for the memories you left me with. We have so many — and I think about them every day. They come at random times, when I am reminded by a beautiful sunset… or the rain that falls on the mountains behind my home.

I love you.
I’m hopeful that I will hear from the kids tomorrow… I know that is what you would want too.

Love,
Monya

---

Year Two: The Ache That Lingers

Frenchie

Everyone told me it would get easier with time. But here I am — deep into the second year — and it hurts even more than ever.

The world expects healing to follow a schedule, as if grief has a deadline. But the truth is, I still cry every night. I stare at the pillow with your face — that big, beautiful smile — and I miss it just as much now as I did the day you left. My heart still feels shattered. I still reach for you in the quiet moments, and each time I wake and realize you’re truly gone, the pain comes flooding back all over again.

I’m learning that grief isn’t linear. It isn’t something to check off a to-do list. It’s not something you “get over.” It has reshaped me—woven into the fabric of my everyday life. I’m learning to carry it, but some days I still fail.

Grief is complicated because it’s invisible. From the outside, I look delicate — maybe even strong. But no one sees the weight I carry: the lump in my throat, the restless knots in my stomach, the exhaustion that comes from pretending I’m okay. Grief is quiet and heavy, a burden most people never see.

You were my anchor. My peace. The one who helped me breathe when the world felt too heavy. Without you, I feel like half of me is missing.

Still, I move forward. I carry your absence with me like a shadow — sometimes light, sometimes suffocating. Some days, the grief feels like a soft whisper. On other days, it rages like a storm, leaving me breathless. But always, underneath it all, it’s love. Pure and enduring love.

I am learning to coexist with the sorrow. I don’t feel whole — not yet — but I am still here. I’ve changed. I’ve grown in ways I never expected since you left.

Haleigh still will not talk or text me. My heart aches for her, but I’m learning that I have to keep moving forward without her. I miss her so much, and I know this would have hurt you, too. I may never see her or our grandchildren again. So much has changed, and I no longer have the energy to keep trying to force what isn’t flowing. I’m not getting younger, and I want to build healthy, joyful relationships with the children who do reach out, who show up, who love me back.

Kayla tells me I wasn’t supposed to reach out to Haleigh — that there’s no contact rule— but I never got that memo. I send texts at random moments: I love you, I miss you. I don’t know how else to hold her in my heart.

Despite all of the brokenness, I can feel Heavenly Father near. I feel you cheering me on in the quiet moments. And while I may not be alone, I am — undeniably — deeply, quietly lonely.

I’ve decided to serve in the Mesa Temple. I’m on the waiting list for a calling — just one day a week, but as much as I can. And I’ve decided I want to serve a mission someday. In two years, when I retire, I hope I’ll be healthy enough to go. You know this was always my dream. I wanted to serve when I was twenty-one, but life had other plans — beautiful, messy, unexpected plans. Then you promised me we would serve a mission together. You promised me.

I don’t know what our mission will be, Eric. But I see it two ways:

1. I get to serve in this life — healthy, devoted, and doing good — carrying you with me in every prayer.

or
2. I finish this life and serve with you on the other side.

In either case… I win.

I love you so much. I want to do everything right while you’re gone so that when I cross that veil, I can run straight into your arms.

XOXO
Monya

The Day the Silence Spoke Back

 

Dear Frenchie,

There was a time I believed that once someone passed, they were simply gone—out of reach, out of touch, out of time. The physical pain of your absence has been unbearably hard. The silence I’ve felt is so loud, it hurts.

But then something changed.

Slowly, quietly, profoundly—I began to hear you. To feel you with me.

It didn’t happen all at once. It started with a whisper of intuition, a warmth in a room where I stood alone, a flicker of a memory that came alive in real time. I thought I was imagining it—but I desperately wanted it to be real. Over time, those feelings returned, again and again, with clarity, with power, and with love.

Grief has cracked me wide open. And in that open space, your spirit found room to enter my heart and soul. Thank you for that.

I’ve realized that spirits don’t always come with flashing lights or dramatic signs. Often, it’s subtle. It’s the beautiful sunsets and the wondrous sunrises I now love to wake up to.
It’s the song that plays when I’m thinking of you.
It’s the memory of you learning the Stanky Leg and how happy that made you.
It’s the feather on my doorstep or the ladybugs that continue to show up.
The dream that felt more like a visit than a vision.
It’s the way my body chills just before a wave of peace washes over me.

The more I’ve leaned into trust, the stronger the connection has grown. I began talking to you—first out loud, then in thought, and sometimes just through tears. And always, you responded—in your own way, not in words, but in presence. A presence so unmistakable, I can only call it sacred.

I’ve come to understand: love doesn’t die. Energy doesn’t end. And your spirit hasn’t abandoned me. Quite the opposite—you have stepped into my heart and reassured me that you are with me anytime I need to tap into that spirit.

Because of your visits, I’ve learned to stop and enjoy the small things—like you did during that year and a half before you passed away. My awareness is palpable. Strikingly overwhelming at times, but I am grateful for the continued lessons I’m learning about you.

I’ve learned to meditate by sitting in the silence, breathing air into my lungs, and feeling your presence wrap around me like a soft embrace. I only remember the good times we shared. I don’t take your presence lightly—it is profound.

Our loved ones are not “lost.” They are transformed. They walk with us, whisper to us, and when we get quiet enough to listen, they answer.

Your mom did that with me after she passed—her first visit was when I had to be resuscitated during a very long and dangerous surgery. It only lasted a few minutes, but what took place with her seemed like much longer. When I opened my eyes, I was in Heaven. Your mom was there, holding her arms out, wanting me to run into them—and I did. Her eyes were as blue as I remembered, like the Caribbean Sea. She told me Heavenly Father had asked her to visit with me, and she instructed me about three things I still needed to do here on earth.

On that visit, your dad was there too. I hugged him and felt the strength of his embrace. I told him I didn’t want to go back—that my life was too hard. He didn’t hesitate. He waved his hand to his left and said, “Do you see those children playing? Those are your grandchildren, and they need your influence and example in their lives. Now it is time for you to return to your life on earth.”

Then he looked at your mother and said something I later found peculiar: “It’s time for Monya to go back to her life on earth, and it’s time for you and I to get back to work.” Get back to work? What did that mean? I had so many questions as I tried to make sense of what had happened to me that day.

The second time your mother appeared to me was in a dream. We walked through a beautiful garden as she explained one of her “jobs” in Heaven: she oversaw it. She asked me about you, whether you were treating me with love and respect, just as Ray had treated her. She asked if I was happy. We talked about spiritual things, and I remembered why I loved her so much. She still visits me in my dreams.

I felt it when my brother, Lance, passed away. I carried shame and guilt, wondering if I had taken him to the hospital that night instead of worrying about him keeping me awake, could I have saved him?

But when Lance visited me not long after his death, he placed his hand on mine as I prayed about him. I reveled in those moments, eyes closed, listening as he spoke. I heard him as if he were alive and standing beside me. He said:

"Monya, my death is not your fault. It was my time to go, and I am happy. Now it’s time for you to move out of Mom and Dad’s house and start living. Go and enjoy your new life with Eric—he is a good person."

And then he was gone.

When Jami was diagnosed with breast cancer, I knew I needed to visit her—but I didn’t. I felt uncomfortable. How could I face someone I loved so much, someone who had already suffered so deeply?

After her death, I punished myself with guilt for not going to her. That pain became even harder to bear when I was diagnosed with breast cancer myself.

But I began to pray about Jami, and the spirit I felt was hers. She assured me she knew I loved her—and she understood why I didn’t come. She told me that now, having received the same diagnosis, I would appreciate it. She reminded me to focus on the fight ahead. She told me I would be blessed through the process and that Heavenly Father would never leave my side.

She was right. I didn’t waste energy worrying about who came to visit or who said the wrong things. I gave grace—because I remembered how I felt with Jami. And when I told you that story, you were mesmerized. You asked why you’d never had experiences like that.

I’ll never forget what I said:
I told you that you didn’t need the reassurance like I did. You were raised in a very different environment from mine.

For me, those spiritual encounters kept me grounded, alive, conscious. They carried me when I felt I couldn’t go on. It wasn’t always easy—in fact, it was humiliating at times—but I made it through.

And finally, there was Black Rock Beach.

The Lord allowed you to visit me in the very place where you took your last breath. I believe He escorted you there and left us to share sacred time together.

You told me you saw me on the beach that day—you knew I would never be the same again. You told me about where you are. You said you are so happy that where you are, there are no negative feelings or thoughts. You said Heaven is real—it’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen. Then you shared your spiritual connection with Heaven and the life you now have. It was the first time I had ever seen you in this light, and it was so refreshing.

You told me you were excited to be allowed to visit me. And that I have a gift—a gift to feel the spirits of those we love who have passed.

You told me you knew you couldn’t help me any other way—but visiting me was enough. It was everything. You shared your love for the Lord and assured me He lives and loves us all. Those spiritual thoughts you shared with me are my favorite—because I had never heard you speak with such intention.

I know now, without a doubt, that there is life after death. And I can tune in to those feelings when needed. I didn’t want our moment to end. But when it did, I looked at my watch, stunned that we had spent four hours together.

I treasure your love and your presence in my life. I feel you often. And I am eternally grateful to Heavenly Father for that day on the beach—and for the life we shared.

As rocky as the beginning of our marriage was, I will always be proud of us—of our grit and determination to keep going. The world said we were a statistic, that we’d never make it. But we did. And we both know we had a beautiful love story. It is more evident to me now how much you love me.

Thank you for loving me the way you have, and for continuing to show me your beautiful, vulnerable heart. I love this part of you.

Now, when I feel that gentle tug in my soul—or the warmth over my entire body—I no longer wonder. I know.

I am a special daughter of God, protected and guided by the spirits of those who love me.

I am not alone.
I never was.
And neither are you.

I am in love with our eternal companionship.

I love you. And I look forward to seeing you again.

Love,
Me, your cute wifey

How Long Does it Take to Move?

Oh Frenchie

I love you so much… but the memories we collected in this home with our beautiful children make it so difficult to leave. Every corner of these rooms holds a moment — laughter, tears, growth, love — and though this house will no longer be ours, those memories are etched deep in my heart and mind. We had such a good life together, and I thank you for every bit of it.

It took me two months to go through all the receipts and bank statements you saved — trying to find proof about Dana. Kayla helped me by taking bags home to sort through, and last night we finally finished. I’m so glad that chapter is closed. I used to get so upset with you for leaving receipts and unopened mail everywhere. I never understood why you did it — but I do now. So, a big thank you for that. We found a lot of what we needed. I’ll admit, there were moments I wanted to be mad at you… But now I see your intentions with a new understanding and even some gratitude.

I’m scared, nervous, and eager all at once — all swirling together in a way I can’t quite sort out. A new way of life is coming for me. And honestly? I don’t like it. When I walk into that new house, I feel nothing. I don’t care. None of it means anything if I can’t share it with you.

I remember our first home on Seneca as if it were yesterday. You were so worried about providing for Kayla and me — the pressure weighed heavily on you. I see us on that sofa together, you explaining how much you wanted to do right by us. I remember saying, “I could live in a shoebox with you and be happy. Money? It’s just not that important.” I thought I meant that more than I really did. But I see now how important it was to you — not for greed, but for security, for stability, for family.

I remember when we got engaged, and your mom talked about her children. When she spoke about you, she looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and told me how happy she was that you chose me — that we would build a family together. But she warned me gently: “Don’t let Eric love money more than he loves his family.” I’ve always known you loved your family more than anything. That was never the issue. You cared deeply about providing, but I always knew what truly mattered most to you — us.

No one knew you like I did. Even though you were successful in real estate, you never let it change who you were. You were humble. You were kind. And now, missing you has shown me just how rare and beautiful that combination really was. You loved your work — you loved making money — but never more than you loved our family. That was your heart.

Soon I will be moving — and I’m not sure how to do that gracefully without you. Some days it feels impossible. But thank you for loving me even when I wasn’t sure I deserved it. We had a beautiful love story — one that I will cherish forever. Remarriage is not part of my plans. I know in my soul I could never find another like you — and I don’t want to try.

I hope you are enjoying your new, beautiful life. The thought of your reunion with your parents brings tears to my eyes — but also a sense of peace. I look forward to seeing them and hugging them someday, just as I look forward to seeing you again. Until that time, I move forward — one day at a time — hoping I make you proud.

I love you — always and forever.

Love,
Monya

Christmas 2024

 

Frenchie,

You’ve been gone for ten months now. This is our first Christmas without you.

Last night, all I could think about was how many times I drove with you on Christmas Eve to get gift cards for the kids. You loved Christmas — it was always such a big part of our children’s lives. Now, looking back on all those years, I want to establish traditions that our children and grandchildren will remember long after I am gone to be with you. I’m not very good at traditions… well, at coming up with them — so I’ll have to ask around for help.

I woke up this morning and looked at your face on the pillow, whispering a quiet Merry Christmas. I took a shower and got ready for the day, but this year I didn’t put much effort into decorating. It didn’t seem right without you. Honestly… nothing seems right without you. I’m still trying to process the fact that you are gone — and the terribly tragic moment on that beach when I watched you leave me. The nightmares are still unbearable.

This Christmas was very quiet. None of the kids came over. I drove by Blake and Chloe’s home… and then by Kaitlyn and Brian’s. But I didn’t stay. It hurts to think that our grandchildren will not know you — the laughter you brought, the joy you added to this family, especially on Christmas Day. Thank you for all the years and Christmases we spent together; they truly were magical.

Dr. Lettieri called me today to check on me. I thought that was really sweet of him — a kindness I didn’t expect, but one that warmed my heart.

I found myself thinking about that Kathy Lee watch. I teased you so much when I opened it, knowing exactly where you bought it — Walmart, the night before Christmas — with Mike Scow by your side, hunting for anything that would make Jenny and me happy. I still have that watch, still in the box it came in. You swore up and down it wasn’t from Walmart, but we both knew the truth. We got so many laughs out of that moment, and you were always such a good sport when I teased you.

I keep thinking about Christmases past — and I cannot think of one that wasn’t full of fun and joy because Christmas meant so much to you. I remember our first Christmas after we were married. We had Kayla and Blake. They were so little, but you made sure Kayla felt extra special that day. Blake was only a few months old, so we knew he wouldn’t remember — and I’m sure Kayla doesn’t either — but you bought her a little doll, and she loved it.

I was alone most of the day, and I was okay with that… until it got dark. Because then I knew I would be walking up those stairs to bed alone. And now I’m sitting on our bed, looking at your pillow and wondering what you’re doing today, where you are, who you are with. I wish I knew exactly what happens after death… all I know for sure is that I will see you again. The covenants we made in the Temple — the promises we made to each other — will make every moment of this loneliness worth it. Eternity with you sounds perfect.

I love you so much.

Merry Christmas, Babe.
Love,
Monya

Perspectives

 

Dear Frenchie,

I don’t understand why people assume that when someone dies, the surviving spouse is automatically “taken care of,” or that I should have money to spare. My Uncle Mike is now going to lose his house because the contractor they hired skipped town with their money. I don’t know why they paid him so much up front. He called me, crying, and asked to borrow some cash. Eric, you know how much I love him and Auntie Ann, but you taught me not to do business with family. We’ve been let down by too many people — including family.

You were always the one who handled those kinds of decisions. On top of that, I received a notice from the IRS saying I owe $78,000. I don’t know what to do. Alt Key will review it, but it’s due December 1st — and interest starts accruing daily until it’s paid. Dana won’t settle, and that stresses me out.

On a happier note, I finally finished my sixth year with Dr. Amen and am now legally a certified life coach. I know that would make you smile. I even thought about calling myself The Happiness Junkie. But I’m not going to publish it. You saw how the kids reacted to the first book — and even though I’m starting a new chapter of life without you, I have to protect my heart from being hurt like that again.

I’m finishing the last chapter of Pebbles in My Pockets, but I haven’t decided whether to publish it. Producers from all kinds of agencies have called, wanting to turn I CAN-CER VIVE into a movie. One company even offered to fund the entire production and wanted me on set to ensure it was done tastefully. But if the kids didn’t like me writing a book, they would definitely be against a movie.

The Netflix contract I signed is now null and void — and honestly, that was a blessing in disguise. I still got paid for it. Part of me wants to publish Pebbles in My Pockets because it truly is the story of my life… but telling the kids might trigger something in me and probably in them, too. So for now, I’m keeping it private.

I’ve been studying perspectives, and, wow —do I have different ones now. People act for a reason, and that reason is rooted in our brains. What I’m experiencing — grieving your loss — is very different from the kids losing a father. They do not know our whole story, and I want to keep it that way. They love you from a child’s point of view; they want me to think they knew all our secrets, or even that they knew you better than I did. You and I both know that’s simply not true.

You and I knew everything about each other. We spent over 40 years figuring out life and how to connect with each other. It all comes down to perspective, and mine are mostly good memories. I’ve tried to erase the bad, but I know those struggles taught us how to survive the circumstances we created when we were younger.

I once blamed you for awful things you did to me — but now, after our last night together, your tears when you said, "You are the love of my life, and I am sorry for things I've done to hurt you." That is all I ever wanted to hear from you, acknowledgment. I instantly forgave you for it all.

I also understand that I didn’t come from the same family as you. We entered a relationship with very different perspectives on life, raising kids, your dad, Betty, my mom, and my stepdad. With all that going on, we truly should have taken more time to be present in our marriage. 

I now know that everyone is dealing with something, and even if we don’t share someone’s perspective, that doesn’t diminish their truth. I’ve learned respect and compassion — and that is where I am now.

I love you, babe, and I know you will continue to guide me.

I’m so grateful we were sealed together for eternity. I look forward to holding your hand again.

Love,
Monya

Sonya & Kris

Frenchie, Uncle Mike, and I had a great time in Mexico. He got a little sick, not the throwing up sick, but his muscles were hurting him, and he was fatigued. He loved Mexico and said over and over again, "I can see why Eric loves it here; it's beautiful."

I love spending time with him and have learned more about my Belshe family than I ever wanted to know. I found out the Belshe family is filled with family members who have had cancer, strokes, and autoimmune diseases. I guess that answered a lot of my questions about my health. I have had all of those things happen to me, cancer, mini-stroke, and horrible autoimmune diseases. Uncle Mike also told me that there are many Belshes who suffer from mental illness. Some won't admit it because they don't want to sound weak. Now, this one I don't understand, and not because I don't have mental issues but because the Belshe family wants everyone to think they are superior to the rest of us and mental illness would never be "their" problem.

Oh well, it's a learning curb for me hearing all of this stuff. I had to pull it out of Uncle Mike. He doesn't talk about people and doesn't want me to think anything different about his siblings. No doubt Sonya and Kris have mental issues. I guess I have to give them a break since mental illness is passed down from generation. 

Eric, I still cannot forgive my sisters for not contacting me after you passed away. I can't get over how many times you pulled them out of financial situations without asking for anything back from them, and they can't send a text saying, "Sorry to hear about Eric." I have let so much of their crap bother me over the years, but I am done, for sure, with both of them. They remind me of my mother; if they act like it didn't happen, then they don't have to do something about it. Sonya and Greg were more worried about their reputation or Justen's repetition as a surgeon than they were about how Haleigh was doing or the facts. The fact is Justen told you and I in Bishop Greer's office that he sexually molested Haleigh. The details he told us made me sick. How could Kris and Sonya think what he did was ok? They don't, but admitting what he did shows weakness on their side, and how could they ever admit weakness? It leads me to wonder if they were ever molested by Gary. Sonya said he touched her boobs one time, and Kris has never discussed it, only to say she was molested too. I protected Kris by making sure I was the one who slept in Gary's bed so Kris wouldn't have to. I understand now why they were adamant about knowing what happened to me. 

I'm happy I didn't share that with them. You are the ONLY person I have ever admitted to what happened to me. I'm not sure why I told you about that when we were in Hawaii, mostly because I knew you wanted to know everything. I kept some of that secret for so long because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. Thank you for letting me share those intimate, disgusting details with you and not judging me. I love that I could finally share all of that with you after all these years. You held me, said you were sorry this happened to me, and wished you could have protected me. I love you even more for understanding and sympathizing with the situation I was forced into. I don't regret not telling you. My therapist thought it would be best that I didn't because it was not going to help you forgive my parents. It would only push you to the edge of wanting to kill Gary. 

I love you and miss you so much. I wish grieving wives could have one time when the veil is lifted, and we could see what our husbands are doing all day. I remember telling you about the experience I had with your mom and dad when I was resuscitated during surgery. I don't think you believed me, but now you know. Heaven is beautiful, and everything we have been taught about our life after death is true. Knowing you are doing good things with your mom, I have made peace with you leaving me. I can see now how Heavenly Father was preparing me for your death. I have had many dreams where I am with your mom, and you asked me one time after I had a dream, "Why don't I ever dream?" I now know exactly where you are, but not sure what you are doing. Now, you are living in the world I want to live in. No judgment, no comparisons, and a lot of love and serenity. Enjoy my love.

I am looking forward to the CHOSEN starting in September. For some reason, watching the new season will bond me even closer to you. XOXO

Uncle Mike

Frenchie, Uncle Mike came and visited me. I picked him up at the airport, and he looks really good. I wish he wasn't so hard on himself. He thinks he is going to Hell ... literally. When I asked him why he would say that to me, he said there was a bishop who came to their house and told them they were going to Hell because Aunt Ann was not baptized and that they did not get married in the Temple. I was so sad to hear him tell me that story. This is one of the reasons so many people talk bad about the LDS religion. Why in the hell would anyone say that to someone? I'm pretty sure you know more than I do now, but I do not believe the Heavenly Father I know would be ok with anyone telling him that, especially a bishop.

I love Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann. I'm so glad I've made a connection with them. I had no idea Uncle Mike was ten years younger than my dad. He told me he was as bad as Colby. I told him I didn't believe that and knew he never went to jail. He has this terrible self-image.  Because he married Jane young, they had two girls, and Jane talked horribly about Mike; those girls don't speak to him. It is unfortunate. He has a lot of shame because of it but makes no excuses; he lives with the agony of having daughters in Arizona who do not want anything to do with him, but he is not like Colby except for the kind heart that they both have. Those boys were so misunderstood. I wish things could have been different with my dad. I wanted to have him in my life, but I needed to understand where he was as a teenager. I have abandonment issues because of Colby. Well, not only him; my mom walked away from me when I needed her most. 

Uncle Mike and I are driving to Mexico tomorrow; he has an appointment with a dentist. Remember him telling us about his teeth going bad after he started taking heart medication? He's getting old, Eric. I will miss him so much when he passes on to your world. He asked me if I would put his Temple clothes on him when he dies. I told him I would be honored to do that for him. Then he told me he wanted to be cremated; I'm not sure if the "Church" would approve, but you know me ... I don't care, and I am not going to ask if he can be burned with his temple clothing on. This was a very uncomfortable conversation, and I hoped and prayed he would not ask me if it was okay with the church; he didn't. 

He was sleeping on the sofa; he didn't want to go upstairs and share a bathroom with me. I hope he thinks the couch is as comfortable as I told him. 

I love you so much. I'm not sure how I got so blessed to be married to you. Thank you for understanding my crazy, messed-up life. You didn't know what you were getting into when we married, but I could not and would not want to do it with anyone else. I have to go to bed. I'm going to your happy place tomorrow.

You Are A Man of God

Hey Frenchie, I've been deciding whether to stay or stay in this house we built together. Blake showed me a house this week in Gilbert. A smaller home sounds much better than this BIG house and yard.  It's such a hard decision; we built this house as we wanted. We built this house around the pantry. Remember how adamant I was about having a big pantry? You made sure I had the pantry of my dreams. Thank you for loving me that much... lol.

I received a phone call from Lori Blandford telling me that Jeff was offering to sell me any of his specs for his cost. My initial reaction was to tell her no, I'm not ready for that yet. This is my worst nightmare. It goes to show me that I never know exactly what is going to happen next. I miss you very much. My heart is still broken. 

I cry myself to sleep every night and hold your pillow close. You are the last person on earth I could imagine dying. Mainly because you were bigger than life and loved life. I want you to know I forgive you for things I brought up to you often about our past. I appreciate that you apologized to me the night before you died, but why? Did you know you were going to die? When I look back at the last month before you passed, there are too many things you said or did that make me believe you knew this was coming. Not too many people get a second chance at life. You did and made up for so many years that I knew you felt disconnected from our children. You made that all right with them; each loves you so much.

I wish you were sitting next to me on our bed. I know you loved when I wrote in this blog. I really wish you had left more of your life experiences with the kids. You really didn't like to write things down. Lol, but I would give anything to have your journals. I read from your missionary journal that you only wrote for the first six months. What happened? I remember things you told me about your mission, but you didn't talk much about it. Did you think any of us would be disappointed in you? I hope you never felt that because the man I started dating over forty years ago was a man of God. I loved how humble you were. I saw that side of you again in the past year and a half. Heavenly Father is so happy with you. We all make mistakes, but the Atonement covers all of them. Every day, I am grateful that I married you. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Save me a place. I cannot wait to see you again. I long for your fantastic hugs.

Be Still My Soul

Dear Frenchie;

This has been a difficult week without you. We typically plan a summer trip to Paris, but who knows where we'd would go? IIt was always an adventure with you by my side. 'm not sure I can ever go back to Porte Jaune without you, my life is completely turned around right now and I continue to be triggered by the trauma of losing you.

Kayla has been coming over and helping me with going through your boxes upon boxes of 'stuff' that's all it is to me is just stuff without you nothing seems important to me, materially it is not the same without you. Blake's family is in California, making memories as a family. Haleigh and Scott have been gone all summer, I'm not sure when they will come home yet. I have been able to facetime with little Sena and Ellis. I can't begin to explain how important that was and I truly love her for thinking of me. Kaitlyn & Brian have been in Utah for a month or so. I sure miss them too, I tried to facetime with them but Kaitlyn never responded. She is working hard on her new job. I'm grateful she can be on vacation and work remotely. I think they came home yesterday.

When I was praying the other night I asked Heavenly Father help me make a decision about moving from this BIG house to a smaller one. Blake has been looking for me, he showed me house  he is remodeling by Lindsay and Elliott over by the Groves, you know I love the Groves. I went to look at it and it's the right size but the yard has a pool, and is bigger than I want. Luckily I have plenty of time to make those decisions. The next day after that prayer the Blandfords contacted me to say they would help me by allowing me to buy a spec home at cost. This is cheaper for a brand new house than the one Blake was showing me that was built in the 1980's.

I went to Reserve at Red Rock and found a lot I really liked. It was peaceful and quiet. Of course I am scared to death of the rattle snakes. Is this where you want me to be? Everyone in that neighborhood loves you, and I can't believe how many homes you sold.

Terry helped me walk through a couple of specs, I could feel your spirit there. You are so loved by so many of your clients ...? Is that what you call them? I spent some time with Sara and Isaiah and Saint. He is so cute and almost two next month. Sara is wanting to potty train Saint. Remember me doing that will all of our children? It seems like yesterday. Now they are potty training their own children. 

I'm waiting for the children to return from vacations so I can get their opinion. I will be sad to leave this home we have created for our family, but the upkeep and maintenance is going to kill me. I know you have always wanted to live out there in the dessert surrounded by cacti and rattle snakes. That part scares me, the walking trail is just behind lot 150 the spec I'm looking at. I thought it would be too far away from the children, but I rarely see or talk with them. Remember when Dad and Betty would get upset with us if we didn't talk constantly? I just know I should have never judged them because now as a grandmother of ten, I want to hear from them I want them to help me clear out this house but I'm afraid of getting rid of anything of yours.

Today in church I studied during the sacrament about covenants. I'm trying to keep the covenants I made with my Heavenly Father and you when we married for eternity. I will always love you with all my heart and cannot wait to see what eternity together is. I think of you 24/7 and think "What would Eric do.?" I cry daily remembering so much of our memories together, and the future memories we wanted to make with our children and grandchildren

I also looked at couples headstones together, you know I will be on top of you physically but with you in spirit when I die and I cannot wait for that day. In my bad humor I thought, "Well dad will be happy I'm on top." ha ha. But for now I will wait my time when the Lord wants me to come home, I just wish it was me first. I think the children would have liked more time with you. I love you so much, Kayla asked me about our story from beginning to end. I think I will type it up for her; I;m not sure the other kids will want to hear about you in a different light.I believe Kayla especially deserves to know the truth of what happened during that time. I wish I didn't have to do this but I know it is something she is really curious about. No matter what, I will let her know I have forgiven you and that you apologized the night at dinner in front of the Udall's the night before you died. 

I understand the shame you felt, I know you wanted to make your parents proud of you. I wish you never felt that, it was a different time in the church when we were raised and you had lovely parents who wanted to protect you. I will talk to you soon, I'm struggling right now with why Heavenly Father would take you from me at such a young age. I'm sure I'll never get that answer; I just want you back, physically with me.

See you Soon

I love you Monya

I miss you

Frenchie, every day I am without you, I know I am one day closer to being with you. Today has been one of those days when I have been crying more than usual. I appreciate you so much for taking care of me when you were physically here. I took you for granted, and I miss you. I hate that life is going on around me, and I can't help but feel abandoned and lonely.

I had no idea I would have to make so many decisions. You protected me from a lot. I always thought I would go first, and you would move on, find a new wife, and be waiting for me. Why does this have to be so complicated? We had plans for this last chapter of our lives. Remember we were going to sell the house, live six months in Mexico, and spend six months at the cabin? You lived your life for our family to be safe and happy. 

I've been so depressed since I got home from San Carlos. Tomorrow night, I have our two tickets for Tim McGraw. I bought those tickets for your birthday and looked forward to going with you. I will go by myself and I hope you show up to dance and sing with me. You and I have been to so many concerts, and one of your favorites was when we flew to Las Vegas to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. You loved it because the venue was so small and intimate, with second-row tickets on the end seat, you got to shake Tim's hand. I'll never forget how big you smiled. I miss your smile and belly laughs. I kiss your pillow every night after I pray and then cry myself to sleep.

See You Soon

I love you so much, Monya

San Carlos Continued

 Dear Frenchie;

I wish you were here; I miss you. I wake up at 5:30 a.m. every morning. Jori and I walk down the beach to the estuary to collect sea shells. I meditate on this little sand hill while Jori searches for 'football' shells. I'm sure that is not their real name, but they look just like a bit of football with the threads—they are so cute.

Weslie and Phoenix would love to be here picking out all of the versatile shells; they differ from those in Rocky Point. There are much more well-formed shells here, and of course, you know I had a bag full. I called to reserve the condo next door to Jori and Dwight for next year. I wish I could get the kids to commit, but you know how that is. It makes me feel bad. They have traditions with the Wright and Bigelow families. I just want to start some of our traditions. I can't trust getting them all condos down here, and then at the last minute, they cancel because something better came up. These condos have to be reserved a year ahead of time.

Today, I sat on the beach thinking about you and did something you would be proud of me for. I went into the water in Mexico and climbed up to my neck. I was scared to death, but I did it. Jori and I kayaked today, which is one thing I have never done before. It was enjoyable.

Dwight, Willie, and Marion were gone all day diving; I went into my bedroom when they talked about it because I knew if you were here, you'd be on that boat, too. It's so hard to see lives moving forward. I wanted that with you. We were supposed to build the cabin and get old together. We got old, but not old enough for me to let you go. I'm struggling with your absence ... can we just have a do-over? LOL. I shouldn't be selfish, wanting you to still be here with me, but I can't help it. You always loved these trips.

Tonight, there was a gorgeous sunset. I took pictures and thought about you. I met a woman who does massages and had one yesterday. She knew nothing about me but knew I was holding a lot of grief, pain, and trauma on my shoulders. She could read my energy and detected many things in my life.

Willie made lobster, salmon, and steaks for dinner, which I know is your kind of meal. It was delicious. I mixed my lobster with garlic mashed potatoes and his buttery sauce. It was good, but too much butter for me.   

I think I might actually gain some weight while I'm here. The last time I saw Doctor Castrol, he did not like how thin I had gotten. I was at 109 pounds, and he said I needed to be at 126 to be considered healthy. It is hard for me to remember to eat or want to eat without you. 

I could feel you tonight at Sunset, so I sat out on a chair and talked to you while I was eaten alive by mosquitos. I sure love you and wish time would go faster. I want to be with you.   

See You Soon

Monya                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                         

San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

Jori and Dwight invited me to San Carlos. I'm staying in their second bedroom. It is so beautiful here. I forgot how much I love it here. You would have loved the sunset tonight. Purple, pink, and orange hues stretched across the ocean. A slight wind keeps the mosquitos away and cools us down at night.

I had a hard time getting someone to pick up my hours at work. I was supposed to be down yesterday but could not get one hour covered. Remember how often I have picked up an hour or two for people to help them? No one is picking up, and the block weeks they offered employees to be off until November has  passed so I can't take advantage of that anymore. I really thought I would do better going back to work after you left me, but it was too soon. You know in 20 years I have never called in sick or been late, I've been in the top 5% sales for the entire company, they only did that for three years. I loved going to Dallas and eating with Doug Parker as everyone was presented with awards. We now have a new CEO I have tried to put up with his antics but I just can't anymore. I was hired in sales, but not one of my calls are sales or service now, my entire shift is baggage (the worst calls ever)

The new CEO was American Airlines CEO before Doug Parker took over. He ran the business into the ground which is why we bought them out, however in the contract it was stated that Doug would retire after so many years and Ipson would take over again. Well I can tell you he did not learn anything from Doug, he's running the business for money only. I can only be on a call for 3 minutes or I get a performance 'interview' I've got that part down, but since you left I have called in sick twice and been kate twice. You used to be my human alarm clock. It's no ones fault but my own and I own it, I just don't see the purpose of putting me on a level. I didn't even know what that meant when Tryggve explained it to me. I also never knew. Also I didn't know I had to call in at least an hour before my shift if I'm calling in sick. I am supposed to know that when I've never called in so that made it worse for me.

I was in tears when Tryggve wanted to do my monitor with me. There is no more customer service and the only way to get a phone call done in under three minutes is if they only have a question, which happens NEVER. I can't be on a level, I can't lose my job of 20 years. I am calling Mike Markham tomorrow to find out more about disability with the state I'll have to hire an attorney but he only charges if I win. I'll meet with him when I get home. American won't give me disability for a few months while I get the state done. So I have to take a chance and pray I don't lose my job before i retire. If I can't get that all done, I'm retiring in January I just can't risk it I've invested so much of my time there. I think Dr. Lettieri and Howard are going to write my letter for the state and represent me. My eye is getting worse, not much longer and I will not be able to drive, I still don't drive at night unless it's coming home from the kids house.

It was a long day today with the seven hour drive, so I am going to  sleep now. I miss you so much and even though Jori and Dwight are the best and I love them for helping me through a rough couple of years. You'll be happy to know I finished my Amen University classes, it's been five years since I've been studying under him and it will really help me in my business Present Not Perfect. I finished EMDR and Arizona is now allowing life coaches to use it in their practices.Dr. Amen is a genius, everything I learn makes so much since I wish I'd known earlier so I could practivece on our own children.

 So I have my legal certification from Amen University on a wide range of things that will help in my new adventure. And I am continuing education with Amen because now everyitng is like 70% off if you finished all the classes at Amen University. I keep taking classes just to learn more of the dysfunctional Belshe family is.That conversation on another day. The kids thought we were bad parents, holy cow it just confirmed to me how normal and good our cute little family was, Yes we had arguments but for some reason you and I are were always able to listen and respect differences in opinions. I just spent 6 months with a couple who no longer talk to their parents because of the changes in personality as we get older. Now I am seeing it from younger perspectives and it's helped me to understand a lot. 

One is you and I were raised in homes where the church was prevalent it's was what you did because your parents took you with them on Sundays and no one was left behind. We had to have FHE every Monday it couldn't be on any other night but Monday-that is ludicrous. Who ever said Monday was the day?  

Remember when we got married and I started having FHE with the family every Monday-I would spend time on a lesson and game then dessert. but most the time I never got passed the lesson before all four of our rugrats were running around not listening, fighting or playing with each other. You and I often looked at each other and just laughed. The Stake also used to call us every month to ask us how many times we attended the temple? I'm sorry but young mothers do not always have one minute in a day to attend the temple, maybe they should ask members to go once a month as a couple to strengthen their bond instead of demanding it be done and then the mother is either on Prozac or trying to hard to keep up, and eventually they get burned out. I know it's different now, in every aspect of the church, we are not required to have Monday FHE anytime during the week is fine, even and especially Sunday. Which I changed for our family many years ago because we had baseball and dance on those night. Then we had to be at an activity every Wednesday night, I was so burned out taking three of our days from us is enough. NO MORE,  I heard they totally re-designed the strength for youth to be more about gaining your own relationship with Christ and He will lead you and guide you. Now that I like, these young teens are so peer pressured at school more than likely they are going to do something stupid, but are made to feel shameful instead. The Atonement is for EVERYONE including those serving time in Prison. My dad paid back his mistakes with prison and jail time,  I don't believe in a God who doesn't forgive even after death when someone like m dad always wanted to do better, be a better parent but the alcohol controlled him ... If He is the God I know he will work it out with them, it is not our job as leaders to make these kids feel shameful and hurt. We can talk about it later I'm just jacked up on it right now after researching myself. I have a very personal relationship with Christ, I understand the Atonement and I try to do what is right but when I mess up that is what the Atonement is for, so many people think it is for the 'perfect mormons' umm ... not at all it is for everyone no matter the sin big or small. We just need to try and be more kind to each other. I know I'm trying and I am so proud of our children they love you so much. I just want to be with you, I feel you often times at night and thank you so much for those times, but I'd much rather be sitting with you on a beach in San Carlos, than talking about this. I'm going with your thoughts that now that the children are raised they have their own choices to make about what is best for their family, and the time has certainly expired for them not to take responsibility for their own lives, and stop blaming their parents for everything. You either believe or you don't it's that simple, no one is making you do anything you get to choose. You and I talked about this numerous times, you and I fit perfectly together in the puzzle because we both believe in the Gospel we both wanted Temple marriages and children and to raise them in the church but that wasn't to be mean it was because the whole family went and I couldn't leave my infants home alone. You and I took care of our sins the way we were taught to just like any other organized religion, and for you and I it was the best decision anyone has ever made for us in the church. The point is many of the rules were written in the 1800's they didn't have green tea which has proven to manage many problems people have and it is better than a soda. Also they serve hot chocolate ate every event the church hases for the Holdiay seasons. It strickly says in the scriptures to avoid HOT drinks. Ok I'm done

I just want to talk about it with you more, but I gotta get to sleep..I didn't forget it's Fathers Day, I thought about you all day. I worried for the kids, but sent them text messages telling them how much you loved them and were proud of all of them.  I love you and missed making a German Chocolate Cake for you this year. I was in a car all day just to get to be with Jori and Dwight. But for now on you get that for your Birthday at Father's day without me telling you, "You've had enough." lol I love your guts.

See You Soon

Monya

Mexico

I am so grateful to Brian and Blake; they have been helping me figure out finances. I'm going to have Ronny put me on a budget. We are fixing 604 and 605 like you and I planned, except I will not pull up the tile like you wanted. It's not necessary; it's Mexico!! We are spending the money to update them and hopefully be able to rent for a higher amount and bring in a new client who will care for those condos like we do. Flor will have to do more work; if we need to pay her more, we will; I think it might be good.

Haleigh and Scott are in California. They will be gone all summer long. Before they left, they took me to IKEA, I know what you are thinking ... "She hates IKEA." Well, you are right about that, but Scott and Haleigh were so helpful. We bought all new kitchen essentials for 604 & 605, new bedspreads, pillows etc. Brian and I picked out two sectionals, one for each condo. I asked Kaitlyn and Haleigh to pick out the color. This time I'm decorating them exactly the same. 

Brian took the furniture down last week, and Blake took three new tables for the patio at the condos. I'm worried about spending too much money, but I am listening to the kids. They have good taste. Haleigh and Scott have rentals and know how to update. Kayla has offered to do some marketing for the condos; I know we must be careful, but I think Kayla understands. She will not give our names or the condo numbers, just a condo on Sandy Beach. I'm very pleased with all the kids; they are the best thing we ever did together. I see so much of you in each one of them. I wish you could be here to see our great children. You and I can't take all the credit. We know we could have been better parents. I only remember the good stuff. Each one has their own personality and perspectives, and I think they are good humans. I love them all.

See You Soon,

I love you, Monya