TRUST

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 2010

TRUST

Trust –verb-to believe in the honesty, integrity, justice, etc. of; have confidence in; to rely or depend on; to put something confidently in the charge of

Tomorrow is round 7 of chemo, and I am always very anxious and feel nervous the night before chemo. Today at church, Teri Larsen asked me about my chemo treatments and how they affect me. After telling her, she said, "I wouldn't go."

I've been thinking about what Teri said all day today. I have sat in my closet and cried like a baby a few times on the morning of chemo. I have spoken to Eric, "I don't want to go today," and he always gives me the "pep" talk. Then Tamy shows up, and off I go, reluctant and angry at the world, but knowing that this battle rages on, it's just a new day. It's hard to be strong, but I will if I know there is even a small Rey of light.
Today I decided to read everything I could get my hands on about TRUST. I'm not sure why this word kept coming up in my mind, but I believe it's because I am being taught. 

President Greer talked in our Sacrament meeting today about our Bishop being teachable. He is a good student and easy to teach because he can listen and act upon what he has been taught. I want to be that person, too, I think I have a long way to go, but I know the Lord is trying to teach me so much right now. 

The scripture that keeps coming to mind is Proverbs 2:5-6 and 8 "Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart; and lean not unto thine OWN understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge HIM, and he shall direct thy paths. It shall be HEALTH to thy navel; and marrow to thy bones.

I sometimes wonder if we trust ourselves more than we trust in the Lord? I've said it before, but sometimes we think we know more, and we get in the way of our own progression. Eric and I prayed about the doctors we should see. We prayed about all options, chemo vs. natural. We have poured our hearts out to the Lord to help make these decisions, so now it is time for me to stop doubting and go forward in faith. 

Blake repeatedly has told me how much he prays for me and that he has a firm conviction that I will be here when he gets home and that all will be ok with me. 

This week I received a heartfelt 3-page letter from a boy in our ward. When Eric and I went on the trek, he was one of our sons. We fell in love with him and have great respect for him. Without divulging the entire letter to you, I will tell you he had a trial that made him turn to the Lord. He listened to the spirit tell him what to do; even when he received his answer, he did not want to do it but decided that he would do it if the Lord asked him. He learned to trust and have faith in the Lord, give it all to him, and he learned a great life lesson from it. I learned from him that I give it to the Lord on days like tomorrow and trust in HIM.

Tonight I decided I would give all that I am. Tomorrow I will not despair. I am going to put my life in heaven's hands. I want to be worthy to stand before the Lord and say I did all I was asked. I want to be able to hear the master when he teaches me. I want to trust.