Ruptured Implant

     Eric and I were in Mexico not too long ago, and I was lying by the pool. Some boys were tossing a ball back and forth to each other when the ball went next to my chair; I stood up and tripped on one of the other balls next to my chair. I instantly lost balance, which is not hard to do. I landed on a small concrete wall; the edge of the wall was precisely under my breast on the left side. It hurt; I thought I had broken a rib, and my breath was taken away. 

    When the pain didn't go away after a few weeks, I thought I may have ruptured one of the implants I received during reconstruction when I had breast cancer. First, I called Dr. Kreymerman; you know who he is if you've followed my blog; if not, Dr. Kreymerman or (PK) was the fantastic surgeon who did all my reconstruction. He has since moved from Arizona and is now living in North Carolina with his cute family. We talked briefly, and then he referred me to another doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona.

    I sat in the exam room with a robe on, waiting for the doctor. I instantly recognized him. I told him I thought I had broken an implant; he sat in his chair, looked at my breasts, and said, "No, they are fine." I told him I was worried because silicone can get into your body and really do damage to your major organs. I said, "I thought implants were supposed to be exchanged every ten years, and breast cancer patients don't pay." He stopped me and said there was nothing wrong with my breast and that the ten-year rule did not apply any longer. I stared at him, unsure what to say: no x-ray, no CT scan? The Mayo Clinic has always been comprehensive with cancer patients. I got dressed and left.

    I called Eric from the car, and he said, "What ...? That is weird; how does he know nothing is broken if they don't do a proper exam?" I told him it was frustrating and that my ribs were still in pain after 6 weeks, but perhaps I was wrong, and the implants were OK. I started checking online for another doctor and little did I know there is a team of doctors at Southwest Breast Aesthetics who only work with breast cancer patients' reconstruction. I called them, told them my worries, and made an appointment. I would be seeing Dr. Mino. I liked him immediately, and you know how I feel about surgeons. If I don't think they are confident ... I am done. Dr. Mino examined me properly and said if my ribs were still hurting after a month, there was a possibility of a problem. I set up my subsequent surgery with him. On November 3rd, I had surgery with him at Scottsdale Hospital. 

    My left breast implant ruptured. Dr. Mino said the surgery took longer than usual because the silicone was floating around in my breast cavity. He also advised us he had to go smaller because he could not stretch the thin skin around the implant. The skin was radiated and usually gets really thin, so that part was normal. I didn't care about being a smaller size; I've always wanted to have smaller breasts. 

    I'm grateful to Dr. Kreymerman for the excellent care he gave me at Mayo Clinic, but not so much in the new surgeon I met with.

Cubs Make History

 

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2016

Cubs Make History

On November 2, 2016, the Chicago Cubs made history.106 years have come since the Cubbies won a World Series.

The Frenchie and I were on the edge of our seats watching the seventh game of the World Series. I told him I wonder how many people had a heart attack tonight--sounds crazy? If you watched this story unfold, you know exactly what I am talking about. Sports announcers and social media made this fact clear several times, proclaiming if you have a heart condition, you should use caution watching the game.

Going into overtime, we watched as fans from both Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians were biting their nails, sitting on the edge of their seats, covering their eyes, and some watching with blinders on as they tuned out all worries of the world to see the ending of the great Bambino Curse. A win for either side would make history, and Cleveland Indians have not had success for over 60 years. Frenchie and I would have been happy for either team, but watching grown men cry and embrace each other was touching and gave hope for people to NEVER GIVE UP.

As with all games, there must be a winner and a loser. With thousands of people watching, half would leave happy and incredibly sad, but all would leave exhausted as they cheered on their team. Knowing Dr. Kreymerman is from Cleveland, I began texting him-needless to say, he went to bed disappointed. I was impressed with the classy response from the Cleveland Indians manager Terry Francona-who has never lost a World Series Game -- he gave a compelling speech congratulating the winning Cubs team.

After the game ended, Chicago Cubs fans across the nation were celebrating. They will be honoring this win for years to come. Frenchie and I attend the spring training games every year here in Arizona-with that being said...Arizonians are all Cubbies fans. They maintained a 'never give up' demeanor throughout the entire season, and it paid off--Congratulations are an understatement-they deserved to feel proud and grateful for this historic win.

The Winning Game Was Played In Cleveland-
But Wrigley Field In Chicago Was Full of Cubs Fans

Captivating Moments

Final Score

History

Hopes and dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2015

Hopes and Dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

This time 6 years ago I waited anxiously for a negative diagnosis of cancer.  Not receiving the news I was expecting, looking back on this journey I've been on I realize I am being prepared. For what? That I can't answer, I'm not sure I want to know.  I would be lying if I said I have not had days when I want to crawl up in my bed, close my eyes, and not wake up.  I have felt unmeasurable pain, physical, mental, and spiritual.  I think we all want to believe we are "strong" If I had a dime for every time someone has told me how "strong" I am in the past 6 years, I'd be a rich woman. I'm grateful to those people.  So many times I have prayed for a miracle and felt abandoned. Now that I've cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool I trust in Him.  So many of us have a hard time recognizing the blessings that come in disguise of a trial.

The funny thing about that is, I am a rich woman. Not in a monetary way, but I am richer in the strength of who I am. I've been forced to live my life with loneliness, hardships, and pain. What if I had not experienced these things?  Where would I be now? Who would I be?  He has bigger and better plans for me. I am in the midst of fulfilling commitments and I know He will keep His promises to me. I will serve others, and be happy with whatever circumstances come my way.

I have had to learn to challenge my thinking and to lean on a positive environment of people.  I'm trying to learn how to balance my life.  Work, family, Nerium, Mayo Clinic, friends, personal development, and daily intentional goals have helped me to keep focused on what is most important.  I've had to be brave in circumstances where others don't understand or actually don't have the capacity to understand what this past year has done for me. Just when I thought I could never look myself in the mirror again, I became brave I let it define and refine me.  I learned that my face is not who I am.  I can't say I have fully embraced the idea of a partially paralyzed face.

A year ago I read a book that changed my life and added value to who I am, I will forever be grateful for having the knowledge before I read it, that I am a beloved woman of God. If not for having that testimony I probably would not have been able to make effective choices,. I've learned your thoughts either serve your growth or serve your decline. It's been proven we make an average of 90,000 thoughts every day. I've always been a journal writer, and a reader and I love good uplifting Christian music so when I read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, I was like a sponge. I can attest to the power of words but as a child words were usually to my detriment. The Slight Edge convinced and reconfirmed to me I have been led and whispered to by the spirit all these years, I'm exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.

Humility is a word I probably would have never used to describe myself 6 years ago. I'm progressing by studying everything I can get my hands on. While studying I often think of all the people who have touched my life. Who I think are a true example of humility. Not one of these people knows they are humble, isn't that interesting? It is who they are, an attribute they have mastered without knowing they have. Some of these people have had devastating events happen in their lives and learned to control their thoughts and actions to mirror match a Christlike attitude. Others seem to not have had any apparent significant trials in their lives. They surround themselves or have been surrounded by proactive people who have built them up, and showed them compassion and unconditional love. The attribute of Humility is such a blessing, and not easy to accomplish.

During my reading of the Slight Edge and studying scriptures, I am finally able to say I believe in the power of the brain and how our thoughts, positive or negative can affect everything. I made the choice to look at myself in the mirror every day and say "You will smile someday" It's been over a year, and I've had 3 doctors tell me I will never smile again, I will never have facial movement on the right side of my face. I'm glad to report not all doctors are in charge of the outcome of a positive mental attitude. Dr. Lettieri told me I would smile again. He has encouraged me to continue to work that muscle.  Every morning for a year I tell myself over and over again "I will smile again" and then I tell my brain to tell my mouth to move. Dr. Lettieri has never given up on me, he has never said "You Can't or you Won't" It sometimes requires a surgical procedure but I am slowly but surely starting to tell my brain to simultaneously smile when I tell it to. It's working, I am reaping the rewards of my daily affirmations. It's a slight smile, but what's more important is realizing, just like reading from a good book every day, kneeling to pray every day, having faith all things I've done all my life are things I have mastered by doing them receptively. Those things are a part of who I am, If I stopped doing those things it would be like not brushing my teeth every day, eventually they would rot. It really has been such a slight change, but adding it to my daily routine has strengthened not only my brain and facial muscle but also led me to believe an arrow could be shot at me and I could repel it.

I am endeared to Dr. Lettieri, and to Heather Lucas. She has seen me through so much.  I miss Dr. Kreymerman and wish he was here to see my progress. Dr. Lettieri has now been renamed as my "smile doctor."

He said I would, I said I could and I am making progress. I am beginning to dream again, to have hope for my future. Prayer is the greatest miracle in my life when burdens have weighed me down, prayer from so many people has helped me to believe in myself again.  Putting my faith in Him I believe I have even greater miracles to come. He could take away all of this but His plan is perfect in every way. These trials are refining me into the woman I've always dreamed of being.

I WANT MY WIFE BACK

SATURDAY, MAY 24, 2014

--I WANT MY WIFE BACK--

First,  before I start on today's excitement, I have not been able to blog for a while, not because of the neuropathy, but because this is a sacred place I like to come, to get real with my feelings and come to a higher ground of healing--I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the new me--I don't like it--I feel like everything that has lead up to this moment was supposed to prepare me, but it hasn't, and I feel like a failure in so many ways--with this being said I want to lead up to today's events.

May 16 -Eric's birthday--I called and asked him to please NOT come to the hospital; I wanted him to spend some time with the family and grandkids--do something fun--being at the Mayo Clinic AGAIN is not fun--he had a tough time agreeing with this--but I insisted.

Ezra and Recker with Grandad on his birthday

I wish I could have been there, but so glad to get this picture text over to me--I love these little guys and really miss them. Eric could go to dinner with the kids and have a great time with the grandkids.

Saturday, May 17

Today, Eric brought me home from the hospital--as happy as I am to be home--I am still drugged up and cannot wait to get myself off these pain meds. If I listed the drugs I am "supposed" to be taking, it would blow your mind--it does mine--I know they are doing this to keep my pain in control, as I was in extreme pain while in the hospital. So I started slowly taking myself off them to ensure I was not in any pain. 

 I knew I did not want to go through the pain I had initially felt, so I have taken every precaution to ensure I am OK. The 1st couple of days, I slept hours upon hours--then tried bit by bit to slowly wean myself from the medicine; today, I am completely off of all pain medicine and back to the regimen I was used to before this episode.

  We arranged for a home nurse to come in and teach Eric how to administer my antibiotics twice per day through a PICC line in my upper arm. Every morning, Eric administers my medicine through my PICC line; that evening, 12 hours later, he does it again.
Last night the home care nurse came by to take blood--it was a difficult take--my PICC line was clogged up, and it took her over an hour to pull any blood out it felt as if blood was being pulled from my heart.--and I think she just barely got what she could.

Today is Wednesday, May 21.

Eric and I got up early. He wanted to be with me at this appointment today. First, he had to access my PICC line, which was extremely hard for some reason. Now both sides were clogged up, and Eric was putting all of his weight into it he was able to finally push through, with little blood return. Once that was done, we headed on our way to Mayo Clinic--I looked at myself and told Eric I don't think I have ever left my home looking like this. He didn't see anything wrong with it. My shirt was wrinkled, I had no makeup, and bruises were on my face, arms, and hands. I was a mess. 

To walk into Mayo Clinic today was excruciating. The smells hit me from every direction--I could see the people I walked past looking at me as if I had a massive tumor growing out of the side of my face. I thought I should have left my sunglasses on and worn a mask. I would look perfectly normal here--when we checked in, the receptionists saw my PICC line hanging out of my shirt and asked me if I was supposed to be on the 7th floor at the hospital (equal to the 3rd floor on the Shea Campus--ports, PICC lines, and chemo) I said, "I have no idea, the lady who called yesterday asked me to come for blood work to be done before my appointment with Dr. Barrs." I assumed she knew it was to be taken from my PICC line. She said no, it was to be drawn from a vein on my arm. I was immediately called into the lab, where she proceeded to find a vein--nope, not that one. After several attempts with insufficient blood being drawn, she tried one last time in my right hand. Yay, it worked. She was able to get just enough blood.

I found out the blood work was being ordered by my endocrinologist, who had recently changed my thyroid medicine and was checking to make sure it was a high enough dose--I suddenly remembered I had that appointment with her a couple weeks ago. Hence, she had no idea what I had been through these past weeks. 

As we stepped out into the waiting area, something was always going on, but today I was not in the mood. Still, a part of me watched as people came in and out. Today two people stood out in my mind. One was a doctor who arrived in his scrubs and sat down. He was looking around, and our eyes met, and then he was called back for labs. A man and his wife were waiting to see an ENT in the other corner of the room. He tried to speak. He had to activate his voice by putting his finger on his throat. I watched him scare the lady off her chair next to him as he leaned in to ask her a question about some video game she was playing, she apologized, and he then returned the apology. This brought the 1st smile to my face in weeks. Why? Maybe because I saw that they, too, found humor in it.

We were called back and sat in a room where we waited for a very long time, but not longer than my appointment was supposed to be. We had just gotten there too early for lab work. Dr. Barrs came in with his resident Dr. Coursin (Andy). I had been in such a foggy head the second I saw him and remembered seeing him quite often at the hospital. He is a pretty familiar face, one I enjoy seeing; he's quiet yet seems to know his stuff.

I told Dr. Barrs I had taken myself off of all pain medicine--I think he was surprised but mainly wanted me to be honest with him about whether I was feeling the pain or not. I reassured him and Eric that I was not in pain and was trying to de-fog my brain from all that junk. He agreed it was OK as long as my pain was gone.  

Then he took a look inside my ear--it is really corroded with dried blood; I was hoping they were going to clean that out today--nope, he filled it with bacitracin which was like filling my ear with Vaseline, and the hotter it gets outside, the more it melts and makes a mess. Then he asked me to come to take a seat next to Eric. He told me exactly what happened to me during my stay at the Mayo Clinic Hotel (Hospital). Within days, the nerve he covered with a graft of skin became gangrene; in other words, the nerve died. He gave Eric a picture of it; the flesh around it is healthy, but the nerve died. It was black--and is now being covered by packing in my ear.

OK, so what is the next step? Dr. Barrs begins by explaining he has a team of Doctors available to help with surgery on June 03. There were some options. Dr. Barrs explained the minimum was to cover the nerve with a muscle graft and wait. Or go in and graft over the nerve and have another doctor there to do something with the nerves in my tongue to reposition over to the nerves that are not working in my face. 

I'm sure I got some of this wrong--the whole time he was talking, I felt like I was in a charlie brown cartoon, and the teacher was talking, but my ears were not understanding--waaa waaaa waaa-- I continued to look at Eric and make sure he is taking notes.  

Eric said, "I want my wife back, and I want her to be HAPPY again," Dr. Barrs said, "if you're asking me if the right side of her face is ever going to be the same again, the answer is no. I'm sorry, but the nerve is dead, and we cannot bring something back to life that is dead. You need to start loving your wife and forget about her face ever looking the same again." I could feel the tension. Eric did not know how to respond except, "I never said I didn't love my wife. I just want to see her happy again."  

Dr. Barrs looked at Eric and said, "She needs to learn to love the new Monya. I was fond of the Monya you and I used to know, but I also love the new Monya, but I need you both to understand she will never smile again." Eric asked him if we could have a few minutes alone. When he left the room. Eric and I looked at each other with questions what should we do next? Are we being hasty in making a decision? Actually, just the opposite, we looked at each other and said, "We are not making any decisions today; we are going to wait, pray as a family, and make a decision when we are ready. With nerves, I know there is a window of opportunity, and we need to make decisions quickly. However, not today, not now, please. I'm so confused.

 Fighting back the tears, trying again to be BRAVE--I think I have finally gotten to a point where I am ready to say, "Why me?" I've done everything I've been asked to do, all Dr. Kreymerman, Dr. Magtibay, Dr. Northfelt, and now Barrs have asked of me. I have lived a life worthy of feeling joy, I know my tears are not meant as a surrender, but I'm tired. The pain is not going away, and I'm not talking about the physical pain. This pain comes from deep within me--it makes me question everything I have preached to my children to live by. I trusted Heavenly Father; why was he abandoning me?  

I believe there are times when life throws us into unexpected storms, and it's at those times we are forced to face our most profound pain--it is then that we have to dig deep and decide if the pain is worth it; I know this life gives us disappointments and HARD things come. I have been forced to stand up, be BRAVE, put on my big girl pantie,s and move on. Today, I'm not there--I just want to cry, and I deserve to cry until every drop has left my body--

After leaving Dr. Barrs's office, we headed up to the infusion floor. The seventh floor of the hospital is where the chemo is infused. The antibiotics I am being infused with twice a day are very strong and cause my body not to work as well as I am used to--I spent a bit of time in the bathroom several times while waiting to be called. Eric took care of checking me in and getting our beeper. I positioned myself in chairs so we could see the outside mountains, dessert, and sunshine.  

I kept thinking about Dr. Kreymerman; most of the time, I look forward to these visits knowing I will be able to see him and Heather and even have lunch with them between appointments. Today, Heather is not available for hours. I'm nauseous, taking in the smells of this floor, this hospital where I was just discharged from last week--it's more than I can handle. When I close the door on this place, it lets itself back in. For some reason, it enters my life uninvited. It allows me to go, but it finds me again. I can't help but wonder how many times I can pick up these pieces and start over again. 

I watched as a nurse came and got Shirley, pushed her back in the wheelchair, asking her if she was ready for her IVIG infusion today? What kind of question is that? Who says, "Hell yeah, I'm ready to. Let's go. It's a party back here?" 

This is not just passing through. This one is BIG. Just as soon as I feel I'm in a good place and can move forward, like I've let this go, it always finds me again. I can't handle it anymore. I wish I could say the tears release my pain, but in so many ways, I feel like I am constantly learning to breathe again and again. This time it's more than tears. It's the sobbing, not wanting to be left alone, I can't handle. I'm sorry this is so real and raw. I know God did not make my body a place to constantly feel this pain. I wonder how long the depression and despair will last. This is the VILLAIN taking on a different name.

 I watched as plenty of people came in and out of the infusion unit today, some bald, some carrying their chemo packs on their backs in a backpack--I was trying every way I could to have a pity party, but then someone else would step off that elevator and give me a new perspective--a man with one leg, being pushed in a wheelchair by a not so patient wife, or a patient wearing an oxygen tank.  

It took quite a while before we were called back, but a cute young, well-qualified PCC line technician finally took us back into a room. She could not access it and had to put some medicine in the line and asked us to return in an hour. We went down the elevator. I just wanted some fresh air. I heard a "code blue" at the entrance of Mayo; seriously? Could anything else happen today that would push me over the edge? Right before me, I watched a woman take her last breath. They worked as hard as they could, and I watched and wished it was me. What the hell of an exit--drop down at the entrance of Mayo Clinic on your way to your car, take your last breath, and be done, done with Mayo, done with pain, done with having to make medical decisions. Today, I have no grace left in me, no patience, no remorse, no regrets, and no feeling.

Eric was waiting for me in the cafe. He wanted to grab a bite to eat--none of it looked good, but I tried a bit of everything-- grilled cheese, tomato and arugula sandwich, hot dog (something I never order), minestrone soup, and a white chocolate raspberry bundt cake--none of these were eaten--just itty, bitty bites--As I walked outside to find the perfect table, I glanced over. I saw Tony Mendez, PA, to Dr. Barrs. He didn't even recognize me.

I've always said, "since I've done away with sugar, processed foods, and white flour, per Dr. Northfelt's request, if my cancer comes back, my final meal will be filled with all of the above" However, today showed me the exact opposite--none of this looked good to me, none of it tasted good, everything I eat tastes like metal--this is from the infusions of antibiotics. I want to throw up every time I try to eat--and it mirrors how I felt going through chemo.  

If I am honest, I would much rather be sitting in front of Dr. Northfelt and having him tell me...these exact words, "your cancer is back"  At least with cancer, it was challenging to go through. Still, the VILLAIN did not win; I hate when people say, "she or he lost their battle to cancer," but no, they didn't. Most people who go through cancer treatments come out on the other side of it a better person, a stronger person, given a chance to redeem themselves and help others to do the same. I feel this thing with the nerve in my face is not going away--I'm not sure how I can recover from this.

 I feel like I have a heavy load. I can hardly breathe right now--my strength is gone, and I'm weak--I don't think I've ever felt this emptiness I'm feeling now.  

I've asked friends and family to pray for me, to ask the Lord to heal me, or to give me strength to endure whatever is coming next. Maybe their prayers will be heard. How many times do I need to do this? Eric said softly, "You are beautiful." Today, right now, I don't want to hear that. I'm sad, I'm scared, and I'm angry.

 After we finished up my PICC line, we were given the green light to go home--I ran to the elevator, got off on the 1st floor, and ran past the piano player. As I passed the area where the lady had just passed away less than an hour ago, I glanced over and looked at the people sitting in the chairs surrounding that area and said to Eric, "I wonder if that guy knows an Angel got her wings today, exactly where he is sitting" and then I ran as fast as I could to the car I mean I was like a bull trying to get out of the pin--Eric said, "Sweetheart, you really need to keep your voice down while you're walking or running through the exit."

This has been a tough week; looking in the mirror, I am a different person--my face has partial facial paralysis, not bell palsy. I've been told it is permanent and that only 2% of people in the world have it for the same reasons I do. I don't want to look in the mirror--this is much worse than when I looked at my breasts for the first time after my mastectomy, at least then I could cover them up and have them fixed, and the baldness was hard, but it never defined me--it grew back. No, this is much worse. How can I continue in this body looking like this? So many people will say, "but your alive," or like Dr. Barrs told me today, "But you have your eyesight" Those words pierce my heart right down to my soul--I know those are supposed to be inspiring and help me to move forward, but right now I need to process what happened today.

• 
  

• 
  

Dr. Kreymerman Leaves Mayo Clinic

 

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2013

Dr. Kreymerman Leaves Mayo Clinic

Dr. Kreymerman, is leaving Mayo Clinic and moving to North Carolina.  His family has already moved, and Friday will be his last day at The Mayo Clinic.  Those of you who contact me via email about doctors to use for reconstruction--HE IS THE BEST--and if you live closer to NC, you are in luck--email me, and I will give you information about his practice.
I will never be able to say enough 'Thanks You's' to him; he has been an excellent doctor for me.  Although this seems to be a good move for him and his sweet family. I, along with many other patients he has treated, will miss him. 
Family is so important. This move for him will bring him closer to his parents and in-laws. I know his wife Rakhi is happy to be closer to her family.  Good Blessings are on their way to North Carolina. We will miss you in Arizona.

Dr. Peter Kreymerman, Me, and Heather Lucas P.A.

Saying goodbye is always hard--so I just said, "see you later."

Moorea Days 5,6 & 7

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2013

Moorea days 5, 6 & 7

Monday morning, woke up said my prayers no scriptures, I can't figure out how to read them on my phone--I like the books better--I like to mark them and return to read dates I have entered and remember what was happening in my life--I don't think you can do that on a phone--besides when Eric's dad passed away all the kids wanted his scriptures--so call me old fashioned but I'm stickin to the hard covers--ha ha--maybe a good excuse this time to not read on vacation--I thought I would be able to do it on my phone but after an hour I gave up--
Eric and I went to breakfast. There is no doubt I will be going on a crash diet when I get home, I have not eaten this much in 3 years.  I'm trying to eat all the fresh fruit possible, but it also has some aftereffects on my body.  I've decided there is most definitely a reason Tahitians are such large people--they eat, and they eat a lot.

Today we had no plans, we got our swimsuits on knowing we would be in water at some point. We then went to the activities center where we decided our activities for the day. The beach we wanted to go to is called Coco Beach and we soon found out it was closed today. So as Eric does what he does best, walking around talking to everyone, in whatever language he could, I sat in a lounge chair, hat on, listening to music and enjoying the scenery.  Soon Eric came back and said, "Monya come with me, hurry fast" my first thought was "oh boy, I'm in trouble when he is this excited it is usually something to scare me" I fear sharks, and snakes--good news there are no snakes on Tahiti Islands.  He had signed me up with a trainer to swim with a dolphin--seriously?  No WAY--I met with the trainer, and felt much better, it was a controlled environment, and these dolphins were raised in captivity, the only deciding factor for me was that I could see through the crystal-clear water and knew exactly what swimming around me would be. I was proud of myself, and I could see the smile on Eric's face as I entered the water with a dolphin, a real live dolphin. I played with him, touched him, swam with him, and even kissed him--it was incredible--I overcame an excessively big fear today.

Huge step in life for me---I never thought I had the courage

Isn't he cute?

Later we went to dinner at a small place called Snacks Mahala, I had fresh Maui Maui-I was not really impressed it was a little mushy for me.  Eric had fresh tuna with coconut milk & rice a traditional Tahitian meal, he said it was good, but honestly, I don't think Eric would ever say if it was bad. I did get a little sunburned today and I got a text from Dr. PK, he wanted to tell me in person, but didn't want to wait for someone else to tell me either--(Heather did) he got a couple of offers to work in North Carolina, he is leaving November 1st. My heart is broken, I will miss him, he will always be a part of my life, and I know he is doing what is best for his little family. I couldn't help but think about what a huge influence he has had in my life, helping not only get through my treatments with the Villain but in other ways I can never explain.  We will be forever friends no matter where he lives, he has a great family, we will just have to visit him and his family. I hope Heather goes with him, she needs a fresh start in her life, new surroundings, and her true love is waiting for her.

Tonight, when we got back to our bungalow to watch the sun go down, we were able to face time the kids and Eric's brother Kurt who served his mission in Tahiti.  It was fun sharing some of his memories, I've always had a special love for Kurt, he and his mom had a special bond.

Tuesday Day 6
Woke up to the beautiful sunrise and mesmerizing blue ocean, said my prayers, no scriptures but tried to read a little bit of the Miracle of Forgiveness online--still a chore for me.  Throughout the day, I pondered on the beauty of this place, how blessed I am to be here, not only because I work for the Airlines and it allows us to do these fun things together, but also to be alive, to be sharing memories my children will take with them when I am gone--this is why I write my journal and blog my thoughts--for them and my grand-kids and hopefully their grand kids.
Well today is going to be one that will go down in history--Eric signed us up for a boat ride to see the stingrays, I've done it once before with my children, didn't like it then and am not happy about it today. I know how much Eric loves the water and the sea life, so we went, I wanted him to have a wonderful experience.  I only like ocean water if I can see the bottom, I like to see what is lurking around my feet. Our tour guide today is Siki, he was born and raised here on this Island. He looks and talks like he is from Jamaica, we thoroughly enjoyed him and his humor. 

On this tour we had about twenty people on the boat, Siki was so good about explaining the history of the Island. When we arrived at the stingrays, Eric forgot to tell me there would also be sharks swimming around. There was NO WAY I was getting in that water. --Eric was one of the first to get in. I took a ton of pictures and he was having so much fun, but my heart was pounding because I knew he was going to encourage me with the help of Siki to enter the water and enjoy the moment--sure enough--they urged me inch my inch into the water--he took me by the hand, I was in shark infested waters--me, the one who swore "if I don't get in the ocean I won't get eaten" my entire body was in shock, I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack. I wondered why I didn't get warned to bring some Xanex. I have had to train my mind over the past couple of years to tune out the bad and focus on the good, in every situation. 

BAD-sharks swimming & surrounding me, we're not talking about a few there were 100's 

GOOD- I did it and I'm alive.

I got comfortable with the stingrays, I rubbed a piece of fish on its nose, and it would just follow gracefully through the water following me, but being a mother, I wanted to kiss him and rub his neck at the same time--

FACT--they have no neck, their mouth is where my finger went and he sucked it hard, I screamed out loud, it hurt-it was my fault, but it was enough for me, I got back in the boat.  We all got back in the boat and went to a secluded beach where Siki taught us how to make ceviche, grilled maui maui, grilled chicken, rice, pineapple, and coconut.  It was another wonderful day of exploration and breaking through some fears.

Tonight, Eric shared something with me, he said his mother was like me, afraid of the water, she too always waited to see the bottom. I smiled, I loved this that he shared with me, if there were any woman in the world, I would gladly have anything in common with-it would-be Viola Williams--I love her.

Me and the stingray--who sucked my finger

black tip sharks everywhere--Supposedly not dangerous

Me and Siki--he was proud of me

 

Last Sunset in Moorea

 Wednesday day 7
Today we must be gone from our bungalow by four. I miss my children and grandchildren so much. This morning Eric and I took a kayak out to where the sharks and stingrays were, he wanted to get one more look. It was a peaceful ride both in harmony with our ores as we synchronized them to make sure we were heading in the right direction; at one point we got caught on some coral and Eric had to get out of the Kayak and lift us out to help us get going in the right direction.  As I thought about that later, it is so much like life, sometimes even our marriage we have gotten off the path we are supposed to be on both wanting the same goal but both getting there in a different direction. The Lord lifts us and helps us to get back on track, so many times HE has helped me get back on track, if there is one sure thing I know, it is that Heavenly Father loves every one of his children, it brings great sorrow to him to see his children struggle. We sometimes forget the straight and narrow way can never be done without the help of the spirit constantly in our lives.  There have been times I have felt "Oh I really blew it this time,  all my chances of getting back on track are gone, I need more patience, I need to be more kind, compassionate and just a little more like HIM" I am so grateful we have chances to change, even the best of people make mistakes and need a hand or prayer to help get them back on the straight and narrow way--I pray I can be that person for someone I love, as I have felt it in my life from others who have lifted me up and comforted me even when they knew I was not where I needed to be spiritually in my life.

It can always be worse

 

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2011

It can always be worse

A half marathon in Mesa Arizona

I spent a few days at the Mayo Clinic this week--tests and more tests trying to figure out what is going on with my hip and back--
I met a new doctor. He said, "Hello, nice to meet you," in his cute German accent. After our introductions, it was all business. He never smiled or looked at me in the face as he stared at paperwork and had me doing all these different walks across the room. On my toes, on my heels, walk there, walk here, and never once smiled or looked at me-me, as in my face or eyes--so I'm just going to say he will never be a Dr. Kreymerman.
He then ordered more tests and sent me to the physical therapist-- the entire time looking at his paperwork, computer, or elsewhere-- so it was "Goodbye, Dr. What's his face."
The funny thing about Dr. What's his face? The next day, while I was waiting to see the physical therapist, he walked by, looked at me, and smiled. I don't think he even knows I'm his patient. I'm in this waiting room because he ordered PT for me. However, I Love my physical therapist. I am going to be Her twice a week. I will also be getting cortisone shots in my hip and back to help with the pain-- they (Dr. what's his face) diagnosed my hip with bursitis, and my back is arthritis caused by the amounts of chemo received. Pauline wants me to keep a log of what exercise I am doing every week--she was a little concerned when I told her how much I was running; the cycling she said was a bit obsessive too; I was advised that a woman "my age" should not be doing an access amount of exercise because it is damaging more than healing. Too old, A woman my age?" Seriously? What about the the100-year-old man who finished a marathon two weeks ago? Doctors have told me a few times that I should not be running the number of miles I run weekly. Part of me wants so badly to run a marathon--it's difficult for me to embrace the words "you can't do it." 

I refuse to crawl up in a rocking chair and die. For an athlete like myself, it is tough to cut back on the things I love to do. I've always strived to do better and go further in each run. I constantly see how much faster I need to go to beat yesterday's time. I track my scores to better my stride and endurance. I've learned from this experience that listening to my doctor's advice with my heart monitor watch is probably the best way to go about accomplishing in the end what I need or want for myself, every time I think I know better, I end up right back at the beginning, with nothing accomplished--sometimes I feel Like this is what happens when I refuse to listen to answers to prayers too I get in the way of my own progression--I wonder why it is that sometimes we think we know more about ourselves then the Lord does--with that being said I am really, really sad not to be able to run the marathon next weekend--when the doctors talk to me this is what I hear "you are one of the most healthy patients I have ever had"  then the bomb hits, "but you are also the most unhealthy patient I have ever had because every side effect you could possibly get from chemo and radiation has happened to you."

-but when I put it all in perspective, it could always be worse--

Dr. Peter Kreymerman Leaves For Fellowship

 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 11, 2011

Dr. Peter Kreymerman Leaves for Fellowship

Today I thought a lot about Dr. Peter Kreymerman and his family moving to Atlanta; there will be a massive storm there. I pray for success and happiness for him and his family during his fellowship.

 I'm home from the Mayo Hospital. However, I had to come home with a foley (cath). Seriously? that is nasty. Even though I won't be going anywhere other than my bedroom, I still don't like walking from the bedroom to the bathroom with a pee bag hanging from my pant leg, and then I have to empty it..... nice!!! Tomorrow I will see Dr. Magtibay, get the foley out, pray I can go to the bathroom on my own, and if all goes well, I will not have to go back and see him for 6 weeks. Tomorrow we get a miracle; I know we do.
I am still in pain, which is to be expected, but mentally my demons are gone. I know there will be days when I have to face him, but I've taught myself how to let go and let the Lord take it.

Still a little Out of it

 

MONDAY, JANUARY 10, 2011

Still a little Out of IT

This is what I wrote down as I waited at the Mayo Friday. My hands are shaking so bad, and my thoughts are with Trys; it's hard to believe we are both having surgery today-her in Rochester Mayo and in Scottsdale Mayo. Walking from the car through the Mayo hospital doors, I told Eric feels like I was walking the Green Mile. It's 9:30 am, check-in time. The sitting, anticipating, watching, waiting, and the pacing are terrible. I hate this part. I feel like I need to throw up. My stomach is sick, partly because of my nerves and somewhat because Mayo smells of sickness today! I'm in my most comfy jammies with my breast cancer blanket wrapped around me; Eric is rubbing my back and reassuring me...this waiting is terrible. I am going into the OR today with 3 wallet-size pictures, one of Eric and me in Paris, one of Recker, and the last of me letting balloons go to Heaven for Paige; this one reminds me to let go and then let the Lord do his stuff. They finally called my name over the loudspeaker to take me back for pre-op. They tell Eric he can come back in about 40 minutes before I go into the surgery.

I know the routine. It's always the same, only this time I am petrified. I'm shaking and in a fetal position. Dr. Magtibay comes in to see me and tells me it's all going to be okay. As soon as he left, I curled up under my blanket and cried like a baby, I could hear nurses coming into the room and scurrying around, but I didn't take my head out until one asked me if I was okay; I said "I'm fine"  then I wonder what is happening to Trys right now, is she alright? While going into the OR, the nurse told me she liked my blanket and that Recker was such a cute little boy; I was clinging to those pictures; they helped take my mind off what was about to happen. I got the best surprise ever....while I was waiting in the OR for them to put me out, Dr. Kreymerman came in to see me; he stayed until I went to sleep. He will never know what that meant to me, his face was the last one I saw, and his voice was the last I heard; thanks, PK, you really are the best doctor in the Universe. I will miss you the most; how many doctors leave their office and go to the hospital to see a patient get put to sleep for another doctor's surgery? All because he knew I was scared... I love Doctor Peter Kreymerman.
I woke up in recovery and was ready to go home; I just wanted to get out of there, not physically but mentally. I have this love/hate relationship with Mayo Hospital. I remember waking up and asking about Trystan; how is she? They had no idea who I was talking about. Where is my husband? Where is my uterus? The nurse said, "are you in pain?"  I responded 'very much so" "FROM ONE TO TEN, HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR PAIN?"  well, I'd say when it gets to the point that I want to kick you, then it's time; I hate pain meds, and will put them off as long as I can but....... it's time, right now, or I will start kicking and screaming. My post-op nurse was so lovely. She stayed with me until I went to my room on the 7th floor. Room 64. Never been to this room. I always come to the 7th floor, though.
Taking me from the OR bed to the regular room bed was difficult; I had to lift my weight, and I did well. They readjusted me a little, but I could see some blood. They quickly replaced that with a clean sheet. Thank you. I don't remember much about this night except my children came to visit, and Recker was all over the place. He laid his head on my shoulder a few times and gave me a little kiss.
If I stayed awake to enjoy them, I don't remember, I just remember waking up with Eric in a bed on the floor next to me, and right now, as I write this, I am dozing off....so I will write a bit more later