Love came in a box

MONDAY, JUNE 23, 2014

Love came in a box

Update on the last couple of days.  It has become tough to be so far away from my family; I miss them and love them so much. I have tried FaceTime with them, and most of the time, it works, but on those days, it doesn't work my heart is a little heavy. I miss my Recker Love and Ezra's smiles and giggles. I'm so afraid they will not remember me when I get home.  With the changes in my face, they were already beginning to doubt my relation to them before I left.  Eric, Blake, and Chloe have been in the Dominican Republic for 10 days--I intended to go with them; this trip had been planned for quite some time; when my sudden surgeries took precedence, Eric immediately wanted to cancel the trip, and I begged him not to. I thought it would be a great bonding time for Blake and him. I was correct; they had a wonderful time and are all on a flight back to Arizona. While they were in the Dominican Republic, they had the opportunity to work with Dr. Kelly, a surgeon Chloe works with, his family is also dear to our family, and we adore them. Dr. Kelly is a surgeon and has been going to the Dominican Republic for 3 years to serve and give dental surgery to those in need, those who otherwise would not have the money to pay. I will never regret having them go, it has been brutal here in Cleveland without family, but I feel blessed to have modern technology where we can see and talk to each other through satellite. I felt the spirit telling me to have Eric go; it was so strong that I told him if he stayed home, I would not come to Cleveland Clinic or have any surgery....it meant that much to me for him to go. He has not missed out on one thing here, I have had to entirely rely on the Lord to help me make some significant decisions; it has been an excellent opportunity for me to get closer to my Savior than I ever thought I could, I have one spiritual experience upon another, and I know this is where I should be.  I am not sure what the outcome of this surgery will be, but in my heart, I know I should be here.

Kaitlyn always sends me pics of the boys
love love love

Haleigh with Ezra and Recker, thank you
for brightening my day

I got a knock at my hotel door this morning; it was a postman (weird on Sunday) who delivered a package from the people in my home ward.  When I opened it, a gust of love took my breath away. It was filled with cards, notes, gifts, and love from all the people I admire and love so much who live in our ward.  I was overwhelmed with the spirit as I read each one of the cards and notes repeatedly. I had no idea I was so loved.  I will never be able to thank each one of them, but I have FAITH & HOPE in knowing they know.

Thank you, thank you

Marian Priday--The source of putting together my box of love

 Eric and I moved into this ward when I was 30. Haleigh was in the nursery; all my children were baptized while in this ward. I was dealing with family matters that eventually ended sadly with my mom and dad cutting ties with me. Wally Slade was our Bishop, and since then, I relied so much on the women and men of this ward for an example. It was one of the most challenging times of my life, and I am so grateful to have moved where we did; I had to learn how to parent these little children of mine with lessons from Relief Society, I soon found the Lord leading my eyes and heart to watch and learn from the people around me. Most of those people are still in the ward, but our children grew older as new people moved in and out. Teaching teens to hold to the rod was harder than I thought, and again I listened with my heart and watched with my eyes, there are too many people to thank, and most do not even know the example they have been.

This morning I went to the Shaker Ward it was about 10 minutes from my hotel...everything was pushing against me to get there on time--I needed to check out of the hotel, and barely made it to Sacrament. I felt at home as I walked in, sat down, and was able to, with a very still soul, partake of the sacrament. There are two things I would change, the bread for the sacrament (thank you, Junel Durfee) and the music I kept thinking to myself, "we have such a powerful man behind every note played in our little 6th ward, and his name is 'Stephen Phelps' tears bubbled up and rolled down one cheek I miss my home ward.

I was glad I had on my mask and eye patch, two reasons 

• 1. No one could see my eye, and tears only fell from one eye.  
• 2. With the mask on, they could not see my crooked smile, a little girl walked by, and I smiled at her with my eyes, and she smiled back. I will never forget this little girl. She sang 'I'm trying to be like Jesus' with an angelic voice; I closed my eye and listened. It was beautiful. 
• Then the counselor conducting the meeting announced how the meeting would go from that point. It was something I had never seen before--and I loved it. He said they were going to have a Hymnology. It was a normal thing that they do a couple times a year, and today was the day; how blessed I felt to be there.

It is something like a testimony meeting. Only whoever feels the spirit goes to the podium and tells of their favorite Hymn and why the congregation sings the song. The list of Hymns was some of my favorites too. 

1.  Count your many blessings 

2. Praise to the Man 

3. Love at Home 

4. Where Can I turn for peace 

5. Master the Tempest is Raging  

6. I know my father lives 

7. Because I have been given much 

8. The Iron Rod  

9. I believe in Christ and 

10. Sisters in Zion. 

This ward is filled with multi-cultures, and it was refreshing to see and hear from members of all races.

Sister Franklin

Bore such a strong testimony today

Sister Franklin and her Nephews

 A little boy with Down Syndrome walked up to me and hugged me, then said, "Hi" he reminded me of CJ Udall-- tears filled my eyes, but then what he did next was even more touching, without knowing I had a BAHA implant in my head, he turned around then back and looked at me,  took my hand and placed it on his BAHA, he too has SSD (single-sided deafness) I have yet to meet anyone who has a BAHA. I have no idea his name, but I will never forget his piercing eyes as he stared into mine. At that moment, I could feel the Savior's love all around me.

When the meeting was over, I was filled once again with the strength to get through this week as I prepared for the next surgery.  Today has been a day for giving me inspiration to continue on, knowing whatever the Lord has planned for my future is His will. Although I may not understand why things happen the way they do, I can rely on Him to get me through ALL of my journeys here on earth until I return to Him again.

 

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

 

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2014

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

There is not much to say; I went to Mayo Clinic today and will be back tomorrow. Today, my ear has suddenly decided to turn for the worse. Yesterday I woke up with black on my pillow; I thought it might be some dried blood, but no such luck--it was fresh and black, but it was also Easter, and I wanted to spend a wonderful day with my family.
I felt really dizzy most of the day and had problems during sacrament concentrating as my ear was pounding in my head like a heartbeat. When I bowed my head during prayer, I thought my head was going to explode, and the equilibrium was off when I stood up. I saw Stephen Phelps on the stand and focused on the fact that I knew he was in pain too...sounds strange, but it was my way at that time of distracting myself. He is such an inspiration; few know of the pain he has, yet every week he's there playing the organ so beautifully; his testimony through his music plays directly to my heart every time.
I wore a shirt today that said, "Don't forget to Smile" I love that shirt--today, it helped me to get past the complaining passengers who were upset about their seat assignment or the guy who could not understand why US Airways would not allow him to bring his sheep on board to ride with the rest of the customers---???  !!!  Yeah, those are the calls I get, my friend who sits next to me is always listening to my calls, he draws a big smiley face and tacks it on the wall in front of me--so today I wore that shirt for Frank.
I met up with my dear friend Jori today; we had an hour or so to visit while we both got manicures. She is trying to move forward after the loss of her son CJ. She explained her Easter Sunday, my heart was whole; and I was trying to hold back the tears when she described the day. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I could not handle that one--losing a child is not something I want to ever endure, but if I do, Jori will be the one I go to. She's strong and has wisdom I could use.
Tonight, I want to be strong like the branches of a tree when a storm is raging. Time to get back down on my knees and ask Him to help me be strong like the wind--hoping that wind will push me further up this hill I'm climbing.
I've done all I can, listened to my doctors, taken my medicine, and tried the natural path; now it's time for me to decide if what I preach I can put into action. While at the doctor today, the cute resident who is usually there was not seeing me; I'm not sure if she is in that department anymore. Today I saw another adorable resident; he looked in my ear, didn't say much, and left the room to get Dr. Barr's. When he came in, I said while holding out my shirt, "don't forget to smile" trying to keep the energy positive, he said, "I hope you can smile" I was sure he was going to tell me all was well in the journey of my ear problems. Boy, was I off. It was the opposite. He brought in Kathleen, his nurse, to look, then he and she sucked out what they could. They rattled off a bunch of medical terms I'm not aware of, and I was told he wants to get this surgery ASAP--when Kathleen mentioned tomorrow--I was a little shocked--I'm not being given any choices? I guess I've been hoping to put off the inevitable; I thought I would be more intelligent than the doctor----big mistake---he's made an earthquake shake my soul today. So much for that "don't forget to smile" shirt.
Am I missing something? I've wanted to move out of the shadows and into the sun, taking baby steps and reconnecting with friends. I'm finally comfortable where I am in my life; an occasional visit to Mayo Clinic would be OK, but these weekly visits annoy me. Dr. Northfelt can't tell me I'm cancer free, but I've learned to live with that, cope with it, and trust in Him. Today I felt more alone than I have in an exceptionally long time. I had an appointment after Mayo Clinic; when I left, I pulled over my car and cried a river, then said a prayer, listened for an answer--NOTHING! When searching for answers in the past, I've always trusted He will answer back; he's always shown me that I can handle any trial that comes my way, I've always felt Him beside me, but today, I didn't feel it.

I'm scared; I know he knows my strength; I know He understands where my heart is; what is wrong this time? I feel like I'm being pulled back into that black hole that took me 4 years to crawl out of. I need my friends, I want to be with them, but I don't ever want them to see me like I was today. Tomorrow, Mayo Clinic will show up on my caller ID. I often want to go back to the days of no cell phones. I wish I could find the happiness I'm looking for. Tonight, it's time for me to get to sleep; it's quiet here; Eric is asleep. I haven't even had time to talk to him today. These surgeries will put me so far behind my goals--but for now, I'm going to bed, hopefully sleeping until 4:30, when I will rise up and start my day again. I said, "I will not have another surgery, no more; I'm done; it's time to let it go and leave it in the Lord's hands."  I guess taking the rain with the sunshine is the only way I will get to see the rainbows.

Toilet Phone

 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2014

Toilet Phone

Tonight, I cannot sleep, it's 12:15, the house is quiet as all are asleep and I am lost in thought.  Last week I lost my phone to the toilet--I tried all the tricks--I heard putting it in rice would help, but not for me I left it there for 4 days and still no good. I missed a Mayo appointment, but other than that I don't think I missed much. It was nice not being responsible, but I admit I realized how much I have come to rely on that device.  Eric was more worried about it than I was because he likes to call me throughout the day and check to see how I am. We do not have a landline here at our home, so, unless I was with one of my children, he had no way of contacting me. So with that being said I now am the owner of a new phone, thank you, Eric.

I will be visiting Mayo Clinic with Dr. Barrs on Wednesday morning. I hope all is going well with the healing, I am supposed to go back to work on February 4th.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am looking forward to it. With the merger between USAirways and American, it is important I am there to keep up with the latest and get the training I need.

My right ear is draining quite a bit. I've been leaving the cotton ball out so it can dry out, this was Dr. Barr's suggestion, but I'm pretty sure it's getting infected. I can feel it in my right jaw, behind the ear, and down into my neck.  It aches constantly, but I refuse to take pain pills. I've tried some herbal remedies, but nothing will work like a good ole narcotic, and I really don't want to go through what I went through to get off of them while I was dealing with my chemo and radiation.

I've gotten some energy the past couple of weeks, I've been juicing all my veggies and fruits in the morning, and it has helped me not only get the nutrition I need but give me some energy to get out of the house. I went to church on Sunday and did not wear my mask--I have a hard time breathing in it, but I understand the risk also. I'm ready to get on with life, no mask, no medicine, no blogging about my broken heart every time another trial comes.  I don't think I can cry anymore, it's time for me to dry my eyes, wipe off all the tears, stand up, let the sunlight in, and start living again.

I will never take my ears or hearing for granted again--3 weeks of literally not being able to hear were overwhelming to me, the only thing that helped me through it was reading, I read the entire book of Preach my Gospel, with special attention to reading chapter 6 on the attributes of Christ. What I learned from this experience is that I was lifted up and helped through those agonizing weeks.  I have nothing to complain about; when I see the Lord someday, I want to be able to say to him "Thank you, thank you for being my friend during those 3 weeks, for you were the only one I KNEW understood what I was feeling and all the fears I had" I will glory in his name all the days of my life, but also I am thankful he allowed my hearing to return in that left ear, the day it popped, and I could hear again was amazing--the birds seemed to chirp louder than I had ever heard, the phone rang more than I wanted, but the thing I loved the most was hearing music again, Sunday I could hardly get through the music, and continually watched Stephen Phelps play his testimony through his music, magically this man can calm my heart with his incredible way of putting my life in perspective, music is my way of communicating to my own heart what I am feeling. Thank you, Eric, for bringing a sense of humor to the situation.  I sometimes forget to just laugh at myself, if my story was written I really think it would be hard for some to believe, and maybe even I would laugh--but with It's time for me to try and sleep and to leave with this final thought for my children and family:

“Life is an opportunity; benefit from it.
Life is beautiful. Admire it.
Life is a dream. Realize it.
Life is a challenge. Meet it.
Life is a duty. Complete it.
Life is a game. Play it.
Life is a promise. Fulfill it.
Life is sorrowful. Overcome it.
Life is a song. Sing it.
Life is a struggle. Accept it.
Life is a tragedy. Confront it.
Life is an adventure. Dare it.
Life is life, Fight for it.”

~ Mother Teresa

Thanksgiving Medley

 

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2013

Thanksgiving Medley

Sunday morning, November 24, 2013

Eric and I moved to Gilbert over 26 years ago. We are both natives of Arizona; I'm from Phoenix, and Eric is from Mesa. We moved into the sixth ward when Haleigh was only 18 months old; now, she is married. We raised all 4 of our children in Gilbert, and every one of my children was baptized on their birthdays in this ward--the sixth ward will always be home to me. I will never forget our 1st Sunday attending this ward. We met in the Val Vista Stake Center building. Elouise Cluff was our Relief Society President. She came up to me with her big, huge smile, put her arms around me, and said, "You must be sister Williams. Let me show you where the Primary and nursery children meet......"

I felt special. She already knew who I was. I have to say even my children who are married and gone say there is no ward like the sixth ward. Bishop Wally Slade welcomed us with open arms and a giving heart. This ward was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. I distinctly remember sister Harbertson bearing testimony. When she spoke, it pierced my heart. One of the most powerful testimonies I have ever heard came from a young adult in this ward, Ally Packard visiting from BYU. Her testimony of Christ and his teachings touched me. I connected with her without her even knowing. She said she was searching for a testimony, her own, separate from parents or teachers; through her study and prayer, she had come to know for herself that HE lives. I could go on forever about the examples of faith and hope in this ward I live in. I have loved every gospel doctrine teacher; Brother Steve Peterson and Brother Stephen Phelps taught me so many lessons about the Savior and the Atonement of Jesus Christ-- I realized this morning I have been in Gilbert longer than I lived with my parents. I have always had a testimony of Christ, but I would be lying if I said the men and women of the sixth ward haven't helped me to anchor it, keep it burning in my heart.

This morning when I prayed, I asked if the Lord would please let my mom and dad see a glimpse into my life now, let them know the woman I have become. I'm trying hard to do what is right, live a Christ-centered life, and make them proud of me. Please let them know I have a forgiving heart and enjoy the simple things in life, and because of every trial, bump, or bruise, I have learned to be a fighter, a survivor, and to lean on the Lord for guidance. In other words, I am who I am because of the good and bad I've experienced and will yet experience in my life. I don't try to fully understand what happens between the period of death and the resurrection. Still, we have a chance to redeem ourselves for mistakes we've made, especially those that concern our eternal families. I have seen the physical reaction, and tole PRIDE takes on a body; it can destroy lives. It makes me want to say sorry to anyone I've ever hurt. My heart has really changed. This is yet another experience I needed in my life--I Will Never Be the Same--

I'm not feeling terrific. My ear is pounding. I don't know if I can make it through the meetings today. I love the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and for the 20 years we have been in this ward, I have sung with the choir--The Thanksgiving Medley- arranged by Stephen Phelps and Eloise Cluff. Today, I won't be able to sing. A nasty sore throat and a pounding ear do not make for a good combination--

Sunday, November 24, 2013, 4:30 pm

I decided there was no way I could miss hearing the choir sing or Stephen Phelps play the Thanksgiving Medley--Today, they announced Stephen Phelps has played this arrangement 32 years in a row in the sixth ward; I'm so glad I didn't miss it. I teared up, like I always do, some because I couldn't sing today and mainly because no music arrangement has ever touched me like that one...I love it.