Our First and Last Thanksgiving

 Hey Frenchie-

I am so overwhelmed and feel like I have no one I can trust to talk to. You were my one and done, my first and last lover. The day I leave this earth will be the happiest day of my life, for I will get to look into your beautiful eyes and hold you in my arms. Oh, what a day that will be. By then, you will have everyone convinced Donald Trump was the best President the world has ever had; it probably won't go quite like that, but I can dream. 

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, Eric; you would have loved it. Chloe is organized, you know? She called me and asked what the plan was for Thanksgiving. The next thing I knew, she had everyone's responsibility to bring for dinner. Blake Chloe made the Turkey, and it was unbelievably good. Kaitlyn made that raspberry jello salad. She tried to tell us it was a salad. Who's she kidding? That was our favorite dessert. She also made cream cheese with spicy cranberry jelly dip appetizer; you would have loved her sweet potatoes, too. I am trying to remember everything that was brought, but it was the best ever. I missed having Haleigh and Scott. She is still not talking to me, but I am no longer taking on anyone else's drama; I can't do that again. I would love to talk to her, and I think it is sad I don't get to see Ellis & Sena, but I cannot control this, so I'm letting it go for now.

Kayla went to New Mexico with Jeremy. His sister Megan was in a severe car accident with her family and Eric; it was terrible. Her husband and all of her children died. Megan was pregnant, so they had to do an emergency C-section, and that sweet little baby also died. I believe she was carrying her sixth child. I can't imagine waking up in the hospital and being told that my entire family was gone. She has strong faith, and that is what carried her through when her daughter died a few years ago. This is different; there is no husband to lean on. I hope her faith will take her through this trial. I pray for her every day.

I hoped the entire family would see the importance of being together for the first Thanksgiving without you and our last one in this house. You know what? I was grateful to the ones who could come. Kaitlyn said, "Mom, you made a perfect chocolate pie. I love it." That truly made my heart break. Do you know when you remember those moments as a child, and no one else does? This was like that. I automatically thought of my mom. She only complimented me once in my life, when she said I had the remarkable ability to forgive people. I remember where I was standing, what I was wearing, and how incredible it made me feel to have my mom acknowledge me in such a way. I will never forget this moment when Kaitlyn complimented me. I loved it. I also loved hearing the kids talk about the fun memories they shared with you. 

The night before Thanksgiving is usually the night you and I—well, really me—stay in the kitchen all day, wanting Thanksgiving to be perfect. You always went to Costco at the last minute for a sale on Pumpkin pie, and you were my go-to for running errands and picking up last-minute things from the store guy. I miss you coming in with that sly look like you thought you were in trouble with two turkeys in hand. Every year, I would ask, "When will we eat another Turkey before our next Thanksgiving?" It bugged me so much because the following year, you would want to donate it; well, you always wanted expired food to go to a shelter or be  donated somewhere, and every year, I would tell you, "Let's find a family who could use it this year."That never happened. I miss those little things. Every year, there was an argument about who I was inviting and whether we had enough tables and chairs- you knew we did. Your passive aggressiveness was saying, "Can you clean the tables and chairs so I don't have to do it?" It bugged me then, but I've changed since you left me. I can only control myself, and I've been leading with compassion towards people who say things that are just stupid- bless their hearts. They just don't understand the depth of my loneliness.

I'm packing up the house and don't want to get up in the attic—ugh—but you know I will get up on that ladder and start throwing things out. If there is anything worth keeping, I will save it, but honestly, what were we thinking, putting my old vinyl records up there? I'm sure they are cracked and wilted by now. There is certainly a lot to keep me busy for a few months. How in the world did we accumulate so much crap? I need to find out how much it will cost to have the city drop off a large garbage bin. I also need to call about getting someone to come to our house and shred everything that was essential papers. I know how important that was to you. 

Overall, our Thanksgiving was wonderful. Everyone got along, but everyone missed you, and I left your end seat empty—no one sat in it. 

I need some strength right now. I'm going to ask Brother Arnold to give me a blessing. I pray every night and listen for answers, but nothing comes, so I am overthinking this whole 'moving' thing. 

It's time for bed. Tomorrow, I will begin putting up Christmas, and I will think of you the entire time, knowing this is your favorite time of year. 

Love,

Monya

His Grace-Dr. Lettieri

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 1, 2015

His Grace / Dr. Lettieri

This will be a really raw post. REAL life is happening over here in my head. I keep thinking about the times I begged the Lord to take all my heartaches away, let me feel the sunshine all the time. I felt I'd done my share of trying and hardship--I should have gotten an A+ on that report card.

Once I'd forgiven those in my life who truly belittled and hurt me and then took the time to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I felt I had paid the price and was done. I heard this quote the other day

“When you face adversity, you need to remind yourself that whatever is trying to defeat you could very well be what God will use to promote you.”

The quote struck me so deeply with the spirit that I had to rewind several times to ensure I heard it correctly. The truth is, I am a strong person, sometimes brave, but very weak in so many ways. 

The death of Sheldon really gave me so much perspective. Although he and I had talked about death and the possibilities of leaving so much behind, we also recognized the weakness of this world. One time we talked about whether or not doctors are as brilliant as we all think they are. Never a day goes by that I don't think about Sheldon. What is he doing? The peace he is feeling, no more pain, doctors, or shadows to hide under. I want to find that place. I find peace so many times in knowing all these sleepless nights and bittersweet feelings I have will all be taken away. Of course, I don't want my children or grandchildren to feel the pain of having me gone, but knowing our lives are eternal gives me pleasure. 

I know this life is such a twinkle in His eye. The life after this life is eternal, I will have plenty of memories to make with my grandchildren, and I will not miss a thing. Keeping my eyes and thoughts on eternity gives me sight when I think I can't see past today.

With the Lord, I have no hiding places to rest. He truly knows my heartache. When no one else seems to 'get it,' He hears me and knows how I feel--that pain is hard for me. I know it must penetrate His heart, knowing He cannot take it away until it is my 'time' to go. The problem is, there are times I want it to be my 'time' There are times I get such anxiety and feel a need to be in that happy place I used to fill my days with. 

I was between appointments at Mayo Clinic and Maricopa Hospital the other day. I needed new pillowcases; mine are blood-stained and bleached beyond repair. I went into a TJMaxx, I had my head wrapped, and an older woman approached me and asked if I had gotten lip injections. I was not feeling well but was still so taken back by her question I just stared at her for a few seconds before I replied, "Ummm...no" I wanted to be classy and walk off without saying what I wanted to, but she wouldn't let it go, she had Margie with her (I'm assuming it was a friend) as I started to walk off she said, "wait, you must have had a facelift?" I laughed as much as I could without it hurting, "Again, NO" She was relentlessly following me around the store. Remember, this was only a 2 day post 2nd surgery. I let loose on a stranger....."Listen, if I had just had lip injections or facelift, I would tell you to stay away from this plastic surgeon, seriously ladies look at my face, I can't move my lips to talk, and I have lumps the size of marbles all over my cheeks, so with all due respect I'm going through a series of UNWANTED surgeries, I'm vulnerable and need you to back off" she looked at Margie and said "Well, she obviously doesn't want to hear what I have to say about her facelift" ....ugh.

I paid for my pillowcases and sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel, saying out loud, "Why? Why do I get the coo coo's?"  I can honestly say at this point in my life, I am not opposed to women or men getting elective surgery. I had a breast lift years ago after having babies. However, at this point in my life, I am DONE with surgeries that are not necessary. This last surgery #25, has weakened me. My immune system is the lowest it's been. I have leakage from the Perotid gland in my face (a salivary gland situated at the base of each ear.) If not attended to can cause significant infection and all kinds of problems. Doctor Lettieri injected my left cheek with 200 mg of medical-grade Botox to try and scar up the surrounding area and get that gland to stop leaking. My take on BOTOX? I'm not sure if this is the same type of Botox women and men get for cosmetic reasons, but there in no way in HELL I would ever do that for cosmetics--it seriously bruised and hurt very badly. I think he said there were about 30-40 injections. My face looked like a roadmap from Phoenix to New York, with the permanent purple markings and the shots themselves. The bruising is just now turning that beautiful shade of yellow-green. I can't seem to get my energy back. I'm tired all the time. Some of my medicines were changed I may need to reevaluate that decision made by my doctor.

I often hear people say, "You are so strong," "I couldn't do what you do," and "You're such an inspiration." What is true is that I am evidence that His love is real, but those strengths I seem to show others are indeed the answer to the quote above, which struck me  deeply. He is using me and my adversities to promote we can survive hard times. We are in the grace of his hands.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 2015

What is good enough?

I don't ever want to offend or hurt anyone, but really at the end of the day I am who I am.

It’s time to care less. Yep, that’s right. So many times I take the world on my own shoulders, and instead of making the world a better place, all I end up doing is creating more stress for myself.

I've kind of always danced to my own beat. Been dumb. Done whatever I have to, but I've had to learn not to take on what others think. It’s my life, my decisions, and my choices. Some people love to judge, and why should I care if they do? I'm the only one who can define myself, so I let them be amused if it makes them happy. When I care too much about what others say, I'm wasting time on them instead of putting that effort into myself.

We all make mistakes and mess up in life. That’s just how life goes. It's taken me years to stop being hard on myself. Accept that everyone gets it wrong sometimes; it’s part of the human condition. You really are allowed to cut yourself some slack. Learn to forgive yourself more often.

FAILURE The big “F” word that everyone fears. It doesn’t have to be a scary concept. However,  ultimately, it depends on your opinion and attitude to failure. If you see failure as not being perfect, you will be permanently miserable. A more realistic idea of failure is giving up. If you haven’t given up, you haven’t failed. I  see failure as a learning curve, a trial and error process. See failure as your friend – it’s no big deal unless you allow it to be.

I have often worried about what I don't have rather than what blessings and gifts I've been given. The human default position tends to err on the side of lack rather than abundance, which is not conducive to feeling carefree. I have often focused on what I don’t have and end up feeling thoroughly deprived. What’s the point of that? I often tell myself to focus on what I have and leave the negatives of what I don’t have alone. Why should I  want to torture myself with all the things I don’t have? That type of thinking will not serve me in any productive way at all. I made a list of all the things in my life that I appreciate. Eric taught me many years ago that there will always be others with more and less. What you have is enough. Over the years, I've come to realize how actual those words are. I don't think ambition and money have anything to do with this,. I've met people who seem to think money is evil, but that is not actual. It's what you do with that money that can become evil.    

I have driven myself crazy, worrying about what might happen in the future. No one can predict the future, and there is no point in torturing myself unnecessarily about things that may never come to pass. I have to remind myself that this type of worry wastes energy and distracts from what is really important. It's hard, but I face worry head-on – if I can do something in the present moment,  I go for it. If not, I'll distract myself and put those worries on a shelf for another day.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SOMEONE SAY, “I’LL BE HAPPY WHEN…?”  I THINK WHEN WE BELIEVE THAT WE WILL BE HAPPY ONCE SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED, WE EFFECTIVELY PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD UNTIL THE EVENT HAPPENS. WISHING OUR CURRENT LIFE WERE DIFFERENT IS A PRECIOUS WASTE OF HAPPY MOMENTS IN LIFE. LIFE IS SHORT LIVE  IN THE MOMENT MORE AND CARE LESS ABOUT BEING HAPPY IN THE FUTURE. DECIDE TO BE HAPPY NOW. HAPPINESS IS NOT A DESTINATION; IT'S A MANNER OF TRAVELING.

Those who either read my blog or know me personally, know that I say I will live and die with no regrets. Regret is a part of life. The past cannot be undone, so it pays to look at what you have done in life philosophically. Did you learn something from it? If you knew never to do it again or to try a different approach, you’ve had a positive result. NOT A REGRET Accept what has gone before, make allowances for human error and move on. I refuse to live my life with regret; if we are honest with ourselves, we know when it's time to apologize or to forgive.

A part of me is so afraid of rejection that I stay in my comfort zone and never risk true intimacy. This past year I've been trying to wear my heart on my sleeve and risk being vulnerable. The more I hide out of fear, the greater the fear will grow. I'm trying hard to show myself I can express my feelings and live with the consequences. I can conquer the fear of rejection in this way and feel more carefree. Even if the outcome is not as expected, I will soon realize that it wasn’t as bad as anticipated and that I can deal with it. My daily affirmations and goals have helped me be a little more thick skinned, be brave and see life as an adventure.

I am not one who has bought into society's expectations of be thin, be beautiful. Show off your wealth and status and then you’ll be adored. What nonsense. When you like and accept yourself as you are, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. I don’t buy into the constant media images of perfection. Most of the images are airbrushed and lead us to believe that we should all look as perfect. I try not to take it to heart. We all like to see perfect images, but should not lose sight of the fact that most of it is digitally enhanced and not natural. Love yourself, imperfections and all. Self acceptance is true freedom. It's been almost a year since my partial facial paralysis forced me to come to the fact that I am never going to be the picture perfect woman, but has also taught me to soften my heart and listen with intentionality when others are struggling with these same issues, especially the youth of today. Don't mistake my thoughts with me thinking it's ok to be unhealthy--I just believe we each know when we are doing our best to look and be the best we can be. With that said, we also know when we could do a little more, not for society's view of perfection but for our own sense of approval. You are the only one who can make that decision.

Being good enough, is it enough? It’s easy to feel that we don’t measure up somehow. We live in a competitive world. It’s okay and even healthy to want to improve and grow as a person. It becomes unhealthy, though, when we internalize negative ideas about how we aren’t good enough, or we compare ourselves to the successful marriage next door, or the sports car parked in your brothers driveway. Always challenge this type of thinking. What is “good enough”? Where is the international rule book that clarifies what “good enough” is? As long as you feel happy with who you are, where you are and how far you have come, that is all that matters.

I don't know about you but I have  worried unnecessarily and created inner misery for myself over the years. Worrying about things that are completely out of my control. I can honestly say these have usually ended up being my biggest blessings, and growing experiences. Time is not endless, for me I've learned and understand from experiences this life will end, we all will die eventually. I am in that last act of my life, I want it to have a happily ever after ending--beginning my new journey with a smile and a feeling of accomplishment. Leaving a footprint big enough for my grandchildren to be proud to follow in.

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DUMP IT

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2015

Dump It

 I’ve kept my mind preoccupied for the past couple of weeks. Instead of worrying about my surgery tomorrow, nothing I do keeps my mind off my mental pain.

I’ve been in situations where I feel like everything is against me. I know so many of us go through times when we are out of options and don’t know where to turn. I try to remember that anytime I don’t see a way out, God will repeatedly make a clear and precise way. I often try to find confidence in Him, remembering He has made promises. I’ve accepted that he will not take it away, so there is no way out but a way through.

I’ve been studying different stories in the bible about people who felt there was no hope but found out differently by having. In Genesis, there was a time when Moses led the children of Israel out of slavery and headed to the Promised Land. They didn’t get far before being close to their enemies, who wanted to enslave them again. They finally found themselves at the edge of the Red Sea, and it looked like there was no hope—but God! They cried to the Lord, and in Exodus 14:1,3, Moses said, “Fear not; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today.” Then Moses stretched out his hand, and the Lord caused a great wind to part the water so the people could move forward on dry land. But that’s not all! When the enemy army tried to cross the sea behind them, the water enveloped and destroyed them. The Israelites were finally free. 

I serve a Heavenly Father who wants to be the hero of my story! He is a God of miracles! He loves to show Himself strong on behalf of the people who seek after Him. I keep standing and believing because I know Heavenly Father will move me through difficult situations so I can take hold and believe in miracles again. It’s not always easy to do; I am human.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)

It says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You have been chosen by God Himself.” There have been times when I’ve felt left out. I’ve been disregarded by people who have overlooked me. But now I always remember the One who matters most chooses me. I was not randomly chosen. God, on purpose, looked at me and said, “I chose her. She's my daughter. That’s who I want on My team.”

In my youth, I was told, “You’re just too tall or too skinny,” But God said, “You’re just the right size for Me.” I have felt or been made to feel, “You’re not talented. We don’t need you. You don’t have anything to offer.” But each time, Heavenly Father said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are creative. You are anointed. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are amazing.” This has taken me a lifetime to understand. Those aches were real, but I can see the hand of God in my life by tracing back over those steps. I’m unsure why we hold on to the past so tightly. Driving home from the Mayo Clinic, feeling a little sorry for myself, I pulled into a Land Fill (weird, never been there before--it stinks.)

I parked, poured my heart out to the Lord, and dumped everything holding me back.

Dumped my fears today...

Looks like a lot of people dump here.

I know so many who have gone through more than their share of unfair situations. But here’s what I’ve learned. Even though life is not fair, God is fair. If we do not think something is wrong with us but instead start seeing ourselves as handpicked by God — valuable, lovable, with something great to offer, Heavenly Father says He will pay us back double. That means He’ll make the rest of our life twice as good as it would have been if that situation had never happened.

It’s time for me to dig my heels in. Not allowing what somebody did or didn’t do to steal my joy and cause me to go through life feeling not good enough, not talented, and not attractive. No, it’s time for me to realize I am a child of God. My value doesn’t come from people or accomplishments but from Him. I need to put my shoulders back. Hold my head up high. Live with confidence. God said He would take what was meant for harm and use it for my advantage. 

I’m trying to keep this attitude of faith, praying Heavenly Father will always give me the last laugh. I believe he’s trying hard to get me where I’m supposed to be. I may never run that marathon I’ve dreamed of, but God has something else for me to do. Heavenly Father has opened doors for me. A year ago, I thought I was on the road to recovery, complete healing. I soon found out the Lord had another mission for me to full fill. With all my heart, my Heavenly Father is bringing light into my life for a new journey and peace. The person I am becoming is so much bigger than any monetary means. Because my Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knew I would have difficulty looking in the mirror and liking who I saw staring back. In fact, He knows this will take years of aching, crying, and suffering before I will be ok with that image in the mirror. The knowledge I have learned is this, He never gives up on any of us.

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I'm Trying ...

 

I'm trying...

I have missed a few blog posts so today I will post three.  First, I went to Cleveland Clinic, had my surgery with Doctor Gustman, then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him... "You made a mistake on your blog, which was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the miss count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" So there you have it, yes, I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life-altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down-to-earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone in conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes and learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it, and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (This is not the case she had about eight hundred people on that call) I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Gracefully and gently, she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, and who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 months that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful in doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person and to learn that when I fall, I can be lifted and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be led and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where, or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of nowhere he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked, "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to, and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" A little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for complete physical healing.  I have felt broken, alone, and misunderstood. To finally say aloud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physicians have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficulty was?

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful" for some reason that ".... but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul, is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Find Me-Frozen Inside

Monday, SEPTEMBER 29, 2014

Find Me-Frozen Inside

There have been times when I've wanted to curl up and stay in the safety of a cocoon, much like a butterfly does. I've had days when I feel locked in a glass house with no way out and everyone watching. I want to fly free; I'm emotionally healing much slower than I expected. I'm trying hard to break out of the prison walls I've built around myself. I wish I had someone to talk to. I need to gain my grasp and be more authentic with people. I hide how tearfully hard it is for me not to be able to smile a big full smile; my frailties are being masked by a strong woman who has difficulty admitting her weaknesses.

I sometimes ache, trying so hard to hold back smiles or laughter for fear of what I look like to others. I caught myself wanting to laugh when I heard Ezra's huge belly laugh--he is so cute--but I caught my reflection in the mirror of our entryway and suddenly realized, "this is what other people see" This immediately took me down to a low I can't explain. I still feel so much Happiness in my heart & want to share it, especially with my grandchildren, but for some reason, I've let the adversary control my thoughts. The confusion contradicts what I feel inside, I don't understand it, so I do not expect anyone else to understand it. I'm trying my hardest to Live Happily. I love serving others; it warms my heart and lightens my load.

I love the Happiness Movement the United Nations agreed upon; the decision was made that the day will continue on March 20 of every year. I know and believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference, a rippling effect that can be wrapped around the hearts of people worldwide, regardless of race, culture, religious belief, or lifestyle. I am an ambassador of Happiness, but I still want to know if that contradicts how I feel on some days. I feel like I am on display; I see how people look at me and then quickly look away. I know because I, too, have done it. I've said on this blog that I don't believe people, in general, are vindictive or mean any harm; it's natural for a person to take a double look at something that is not what they are used to seeing. I just never thought I would be the one on display. I see them look, then look away and whisper to their friend, mother, or neighbor; they both look and quickly turn their back to me, usually because they know I have just seen what they did. The only thing that really holds me together is knowing He sees me, the REAL me--He knows I want to be me again; the sad part is because of what I've experienced, I know I will never be the same again. Although I didn't ask for this experience, I'm living it. I also realize that I have control over how I deal with the inner aching I continue to feel. I may not oversee my trials, but I have control over how I deal with them, and I choose to take it slow, understanding all that is expected of me, then proceed forward in faith and with a desire to continue to be the best I can be.

On the days when I work at UsAirways, the security guard always asks me, "how are you doing today, Monya?" and my answer is always the same "better than I was yesterday" I wrestle with what has been lost in my life, it's more than just dealing with cancer with and all the side effects. I carry a crushing weight on my shoulders when I cannot achieve my goals. I can't do this alone; my soul is tired and needs rest. I've pleaded for help so many times I seriously think I don't have any tears left to cry.
I'm giving my all, but sometimes I want to avoid hearing the answers. Saying I'm deaf is an understatement. I am so vulnerable right now; I know I need to be willing to put all my trust in the Lord's hands once more. I've been down this road before; I know this feeling. Taking a step forward is challenging, and it hurts to look backward. I want peace to speak louder than my fear. I have asked again, and again, and again "what am I supposed to learn" "What do you want me to do next?" When I'm finally ready to listen, I will go and be or do what He needs me to do.

I know this fear and pain that I am feeling needs to be turned over to the Lord, but for today, just for now, I'm frozen inside. I have no regrets; I've felt this pain before, and I will not bury it; I know I have to live it, and when I'm living in those shadows, He will find me, take me by the hand, and lead me to a brighter place.

LABELS: BLESSINGS, CANCER, FAITH, HEARING, HOPE, JOURNALING, LIVE HAPPY, LIVING, LOVE, MAYO CLINIC, PAIN, PEACE, SMILING, TRIALS 

Monday Mormon Myths and Truths #6

 

MONDAY, JUNE 10, 2013

Monday Mormon Myth's and Truths # 6

Picture taken from Mormon women

Some of my friends who are not LDS do not understand the devotion Mormon women give not only to their families, but to the Church. There is so much rage and negativity around us in today's world. So why is it that most Morman women are so happy? It is thought by LDS women that we have a divine calling to be a mother, to raise children our Heavenly Father has sent to us and entrusted to our care. Mormons believe the family is central to God's plan for the happiness of His children and family is the fundamental unit in society. With that being said, I can believe no work can be nobler than that of a mother, who rear and raise, nurse, and nurture their family. We also believe that all women, whether they have children or not, are mothers and divine, with an innate capacity to nurture, teach, and care for others.

So, what about women who don't marry or have children but would like to?
Many women don't have the opportunity to marry and bear or raise children. These women make up a large and significant portion of the LDS church and contribute equally to the Church and its programs.

Latter Day Prophets have repeatedly taught that those "whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and priesthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in eternities."

This is so hard for many women who want so badly to have a child of their own, but I honestly believe our Heavenly Father will provide motherhood to those who are obedient and continue to do good. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law could not conceive their own children, so they adopted four children to complete their family and bless our extended family. My nieces and nephew were sent to earth to be a part of the Williams family. They used a different body to get those little spirits here, and how grateful we are their mothers were able to allow Doran and Shannon to raise them.

CAN MORMON WOMEN WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME?

ANSWER: YES

Latter Day Saint women across the world hold professional titles such as CEO, VP, Doctor, professor, author, artist, teacher, athlete, and business owners. It makes me laugh when I hear people say this, especially when I'm at work while reading this. The idea that faithful Mormon women can't, shouldn't or don't work outside the home with a career or pursue schooling is not valid, nor is it what the LDS leadership teaches.
We do place the family as our priority and highest regard. We believe that all decisions regarding a wife or mother's employment should be weighed carefully on how they will affect the family and the rearing of their children. Husband and wife make these decisions together.
"The Family Proclamation to the World" teaches that although husband and wife are equal partners, each gender does have a principal role in the family. Mothers are primarily responsible for nurturing their children, and fathers are mainly responsible for providing the necessities of life. Still, so times "life" is a disability, a death, or other circumstances that may require us to adapt.
However, the fact is an LDS woman working outside the home or pursuing a career is left to her to decide and is entirely dependent upon her individual, marital, family, and social situation. We as mormons are taught not to judge any mother who chooses to work outside the home, regardless of the situation. 

CAN MORMON WOMEN PURSUE EDUCATION?

ANSWER: WE ARE ENCOURAGED TO---SO YES

Women are encouraged to gain an education and develop their minds, talents, and abilities.
Spencer W Kimball, who was a prophet when I was growing up said "The emphasis on education for LDS women continues, we. We are women to be well educated"
The modern-day Prophet President Monson has counseled both males and females to educate their minds and develop their skills and talents; education will prepare you for more excellent service in the world and the Church. It will help you better provide for yourself, your family, and those in need. It will also help you be a wise counselor and companion to your future spouse and an informed and effective teacher of your future children"
A 2010 study found that women of all faiths "believe more fervently in God" than men and that "by virtually every measure, they are more religious" than men.
This goes with a quote from President James E Faust a leader of the LDS church when he said "Surely the secret citadel of women's inner strength is spirituality. In this, you equal and even surpass men, as you do in faith, morality, and commitment when truly converted to the gospel. We believe that God planted within women something divine."

Saved by Grace Monday Mormon Myths and truths #3

 

MONDAY, MAY 20, 2013

Saved by Grace Monday Mormon Myths and truths #3

MORMONS DON'T BELIEVE IN BEING SAVED BY GRACE

ANSWER: I hope you will hear this loud and clear this is 100% FALSE

¡¡Amen and Hallelujah!! If you hear someone answer "no" to whether Mormons believe they will be saved by Jesus' grace, they simply don't understand our doctrine. The Book of Mormon is laced throughout the pages with this doctrine and teaches us that "there is no flesh that can dwell in the presence of God, save it be through the merits and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah" (2nd Nephi 2:8) THERE ARE MORET HAN TWENTY EIGHTT REFERENCES TO "grace" in the Book of Mormon. The concluding message of the Book of Mormon is this:

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him and deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all you might mind and strength, then is the grace sufficient for you, that by His grace ye may be perfect in Christ" (Moroni 10:32)

The idea that Mormons believe in salvation by doing good works is not true, and Mormons try to achieve good results for a few simple reasons.

1. we love Jesus and therefore worship Him by striving to follow His teachings and example
(John 14:15)
2. when we do good works, we become more receptive to and influenced by God's spirit, which produces increased joy, love, and happiness in our lives (Galatians 5:22-25)
3. we want to be worthy to make and keep sacred covenants with God that will bind us to Christ eternally.

However, I will say this, even if every Mormon in the world, fed all the hungry people in the world, put clothes on all the naked, gave all they had to the poor, prayed 100 times a day and studied the scriptures until our eyes popped out, we still do not think those works would save us. So really what we believe is that it is ONLY through the grace of Jesus that we will be SAVED. There is no end to Jesus' ability to SAVE.

Betty Passes Away

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 26, 2013

Betty Passes Away

Everyone knows of my love for Eric's mom Viola Williams. She was the single most influential person in my life. I loved everything about her. She lived a simple life but was one of the most loving and giving people I have ever met. Her family ALWAYS came first. Once when Eric and I were first engaged, she gave me some advice that has always stuck with me. She said if Eric ever came home from work and wanted me to take a ride with him, but I was hesitant because the house wasn't clean or there were still dishes in the sink. That I should not think twice about it. She told me to leave the dishes and go with my husband. Her exact words were, "The dishes will be there when you get home, but tomorrow your husband may not be, and you would have passed up an opportunity to make a cherished memory. That time together could be your last."  I've always remembered the day she told me this, where I was sitting, what she was wearing and the smile on her face as she gently reminded me of keeping family a priority.
After Vi passed away, Ray married Betty, a single woman from their ward with whom Vi was friends. This time of life was difficult for a few of the children, including Eric, not because Betty was not a great pick for Ray, but because of their memories of their mother and father.
Yesterday, Betty passed away. It's 3:55 am, and I've been up for hours, unable to sleep, cleaning my floors, dusting my furniture, and thinking of our memories with Betty (Grammy). Her personality was completely different than Viola's, but nonetheless, she loved Ray, and he was happy. Betty kept Ray alive for years, and that he would have passed much sooner than he did, she kept him in line and busy. I'm sure Vi and Ray greeted betty as she passed through the veil to the other side. 'm grateful for my knowledge of our Heavenly Father's eternal plan for Families to be together forever.
My youngest daughter Haleigh is getting married in two days. Last night her mother-in-law and father-in-law had a dinner party for close friends and family. Not only was the weather beautiful, but the words spoken by each person on behalf of Haleigh and Scott were beautiful. How is it that my youngest is old enough to be married? This has been an emotional couple of weeks. With Ezra in the hospital and now the passing of Betty, I am a little behind on the wedding plans--but I have faith it will all turn out and be a memorable night.
This week our plumbing in the kitchen went out, the freezer went on the blitz (that was a mess), it smelled like Jeffrey Daumer had been hiding things in our freezer, and guess who got to clean it all out?
There is something I am pleased about. This is the best I have physically felt in a few years. I will see my oncologist in two weeks with a couple of days of tests first, then our little visit. I'm assuming with how I am feeling right now that all will be a good outcome.