Curve Balls

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2013

Curve Balls

Man, life throws many curve balls, I was not expecting one that came flying at me last week.  I was Fired from my volunteer work.  Not the accomplishment I had expected, and it was devastating for me. I loved that job; I loved the people I worked with, and I especially loved all the patients who touched my life. I violated HIPAA law and took pictures of patients. First off, I just want to say they all had my permission to take their picture, and 2nd I would never post something about a patient without their consent. However, I recently had my blog redesigned, and all the journal entries I had written and drafted, were posted public without me knowing.

  They were written a year or year and a half ago, when I was asked not to mention the facility that I was volunteering for or the patients, I immediately drafted all of them for my children to have, and for myself to look back and remember. For those of you who do not know about drafting, it is a journal you write and never post for all to see but is kept secret and I eventually wanted my blog to be made into a book for my children, so I did as I was asked, and I took all the posts off my blog immediately.  To be honest, I have a ton of drafts, things I don't want the world to see but have saved for my family to read long after I'm dead and gone.

When I went to my "volunteer" job 2 weeks ago, I was called into a meeting where I was "let go" I was told if an employee had done this, they would be "let go," so they felt it was time for me to be "let go" I asked them if I could delete the entries. The answer was "you have 3 days to get them off your blog, or we will be forced to file a federal suit"  so sad, I took off my scrubs and handed in my badge out the door I went feeling like I had just been defeated by the world, I cried uncontrollably for hours, well actually the crying went on for days, I finally got it controlled to a slow tearful drip after a few days.  When I got home, I asked our attorney if this could happen to me; he said NO, that the facility I was volunteering for could not sue me for violating HIPAA laws the patient would have to be the one to sue me, --and since every one of those patients or their caregivers still email me regularly, (except for one), I contacted each person who I had ever posted about, got written permission from them or in a couple cases the patients had passed on, and I got permission from their caregivers, who by the way also asked me for a copy of what I had written, by this time I had already deleted them.  However, I told them once I had their written permission, I would send them a copy of what I had handwritten.  Each was so grateful, I had journaled, and each had already known about the experiences and the intimate talks I had with them, so it was not a surprise to any of them when I read the journaling to them.

 I'm not sure what this world is coming to, I do understand the HIPAA laws, and I do understand the right to have privacy, but I would never post something without first asking the patient. There was only one post that I had written that I felt was imposing without permission; names were never mentioned, and if this person had found it on the world wide web (1 in a billion) They could have guessed it was them I was talking about, but there were no pictures or proof.

I learned a lot from this experience, and although I think "they" were being a bit dramatic in their decision, I know the Lord has something else planned for me.  It's important for me to be in a place where I am not only needed but appreciated for the service I love to give.

Neuropathy

 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2011

Neuropathy

Just when I thought I was done with neuropathy.... surprise, it's back. My legs feel like the nerves have been exposed to the air again, and the pain is sometimes excruciating. I am learning that a small percentage of people who get neuropathy from the effects of chemo must deal with it off and on for life--yes, I am one of those people--no big deal, I can handle it--
Today when I was at work, one of my friends I had not seen for a while came over to talk to me. She was wearing a pink beanie to cover her bald head--she went through a double mastectomy a year and a half before I did (stage 2). Now, it has metastasized to her lungs--she showed me the X-rays --I cannot stop thinking about her today. Cancer really is this ugly VILLAIN, it invades lives, and just when you think you've turned a corner looking to a bright future, BOOM, it's back to haunt and taunt you. Whether a recurrence or side effects, it never goes away.

Pain and Purple Tulips

SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2011

Pain and Purple Tulips

Saturday, I watched conference, and the talk that stood out to me the most was Kent Richards of the Seventy. He spoke about pain. I loved when he said, "The Savior is not a silent observer. He knows personally and infinitely the pain that we face." Those words will stay in my heart and mind as I face this next week. I certainly feel peace and comfort; I know that whatever the Lord has in store for me, it is His plan, and with His help, I will follow God's plan for me.
Over the last few days, the pain in my hip has escalated. I finally called Dr. Northfelt's office Thursday, and Maryann called in a prescription for the pain. I'm sad when I think about going back on pain medicines; it feels like I'm going backward instead of forward. I refuse to take the pain medicine unless it gets to at least a 7 on a scale from 1-10, and I won't take it during the day when I watch Recker. The pain got so bad I could hardly walk, and I even cried yesterday when I was at Costco getting some last-minute things for dinner. Kayla begged me to take some medicine, but I wanted to spend some time with my family tonight. 

I realize I need to do as the doctors are telling me, at least until we have a diagnosis and can find out what the culprit of all this pain is; however, my family means the world to me, and if I have to be in a bit of discomfort just to have some fun time with them, then dang it I will. I am hoping for another miracle. Is it selfish to ask for one more? I believe the miracle we received after my last surgery was such an incredible modern-day blessing, and we needed it. I still thank Heavenly Father for that miracle.
I received a  bouquet of beautiful Purple Tulips; I love all the spring colors and flowers, and they smell like Heaven; thank you to whoever you are that had those sent to me; it really made my day. I also received a beautiful bouquet of flowers the day before, and someone dropped them off at my door. Still, I don't know who you are but thank you so much; those acts of kindness cheer up the sad and make me feel glad, glad I have people in my life who love my family so much and who don't care about getting recognized for it, you are true Angels on Errands, and I love You.

 

Bone Scan

 

MONDAY, MARCH 28, 2011

Bone Scan

Maryann called me on Friday to inform me that my bone scan is scheduled for Monday, April 4. My blood work returned elevated, consistent with what they see in a patient whose cancer has metastasized and would explain the pain in my right hip bone. They will schedule the rest of the scans once we get the results back from the bone scan. Eric and I are trying to be positive. Even if cancer has metastasized, we will deal with it then. My ward has a fast for myself and 3 other people in our ward on Thursday night, starting with the evening meal and ending on Friday with the evening meal; if anyone would like to join us.... the Lord listens, and the Lord answers prayers..... right now I am praying for comfort and peace.

I Need Your Prayers!

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2010

I need Your Prayers !!

Went to see Dr. Magtibay a few days before my surgery with Dr. Kremerman. First off I really, like him, he is soft-spoken and compassionate. He wanted to do a biopsy of my Uterus, I agreed and this is how it went:

Stirrups - yay

Relax- impossible

Insertion of the needle - Yikes

"You may feel some pain" ----- wholly cow did I

Throw Up-

Fainting-

He had to quit the exam because I was in too much pain, my cervix is scarred shut from all of the other surgeries I have had. He was so sweet, got me a bottle of water, and sat and talked to me for a bit.   There is a possibility I have Uterine Cancer, and because they cannot do the biopsy I will have an ultrasound next week, he wants to look at my ovaries too, then,  he and I will meet again for my options.  I have known from the beginning that the risk of me getting Uterine Cancer is very high, however, I was willing to take the chance it would not invade my life once again.  My doctors have been honest with me, and have explained that I am not cancer-free, I realize this, and still, there is a calm and peaceful feeling I have. I can still say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life right now.

That night I decided to go to the church for the Woman's Christmas Celebration- (RS) I was so overwhelmed when I walked in, my mind was flooded with memories of last year... I went to the Christmas Celebration for the 1st time being seen with no hair, I still remember the scarf I wore and feelings of vulnerability. Now,  I have a little bit of my hair back, but  some of the feelings are the same,  vulnerability  is soon  replaced with the feelings of Love that I know those ladies all have for me, and I for them.  It's amazing how much you can change your perspective and recognize good hearted people when you are being served, and when you have the opportunity to serve others.  "We are the hands of Heaven on Earth." It is our responsibility to serve and comfort others, I so need to be better at that.

I really need to look up for some comfort, please pray for me.  I have a lot of faith not only in my doctors but in the Lord, he is trying to teach me something, my spirit sometimes fades, but my ears are listening for answers to prayers.  The Lord is Good and continues to bless us with his love.

Dr. Paul Magtibay Mayo Clinic

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2010

Dr. Paul Magtibay Mayo Clinic

Ok so I've been putting off blogging about this, but now I feel like I need to.  The past few months I have been experiencing some extreme pain, like being in labor, a couple of times I even fainted and or threw up, the pain does not go away like it would if you were having your period. Which by the way, I am not supposed to be having because chemo killed my ovaries and I am in POST menopause, remember Mr. Hotflash?  he's been on vacation for a little while now.  I am taking an estrogen blocker, but I think it's not working.
I also have been bleeding really bad. I have not wanted to face it, so I just don't talk about it, like that is going to make it go away.... right? The truth is I'm scared, I don't want to go through any more, I'm so done, the VILLAIN took my breasts and now my other parts that are feminine are being compromised because I refuse to get the treatment that is needed.   I feel like I would rather be in the pain than go through another surgery, however, I know the high risk I am at because of having breast cancer and I know that I cannot ignore it any longer.  I will be seeing Dr. Paul M. Magtibay tomorrow is also at Mayo Clinic. Let's hope I love him as much as I love Dr.Kreymerman.

Dear Cancer

 

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2010

Dear Cancer

I am on my way to the MAYO Hospital...I want to leave you with this challenge...write a letter to CANCER, really tell him what you think, everyone knows someone who has been affected, CANCER kills and hurts families. For every letter written and POSTED $50 will be donated to the American Cancer Society up to a maximum of $100,000.

Click here to get started

POSTED BY BonBon AT 11:45 AM 2 COMMENTS 

Paris Day 1

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST 15, 2010

Paris day 1

I did not sleep last night; I was like a child the night before Christmas; who does this? Who gets twelve-hour notice from their husband that they are leaving for the city of their dreams? Me, I do .... our theme NO REGRETS ...✈
Leaving Sky Harbor Airport. We will layover in Philadelphia and then on to Paris.


Eric was so happy to eat this bad boy ... Philly cheesesteak sandwich .... does not look good to me. I ate a bowl of watermelon.

Another considerable surprise ..... read the boarding pass .... what is the seat number? You got it, 1st class ..... are you kidding me? 1st class to Paris?. Thank you, Eric. He just wants this to be a trip to remember and for me to be comfortable and in no pain, if possible. ♥ Him for that.\

PASSPORT ✓

Holding hands with our "LIVE FREE" pink bracelets on, I have 200 at my house if anyone wants one. National Breast Cancer Month is in October, and I would like all my friends to have one.



Relaxing in my private Envoy suite, getting ready to eat a little dinner.


Now for a salad, cheese, tomato, and basil, look at that cute little bottle of balsamic vinegar and oil.


1st class meal ... Filet Mignon, twice baked potato, and fresh green beans. Oh, and notice the white linen table cloth.

Now for a movie and a little sleep, oh and the TV is my own private, with my own remote .... Eric can't take it away. He has his own too. The private suites in Envoy class have seats that fully recline to a bed; so excited !!!

In 1st class, we woke up to breakfast, fresh yogurt, and granola. Fresh squeezed orange juice .... just kidding, not fresh-squeezed, but it was orange juice.


We took the train to PARIS from the airport.

My new favorite shoes are TOMS. These are the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn, and walking everywhere we go in PARIS (I love saying PARIS), I am so glad I have them on my feet.


These are some of the artwork we saw in the Louvre today. The Mona Lisa is the most famous piece of art but not one of my favorites. Tomorrow we will go and see the Monets.

I hope Doctor Northfelt will be ok with me eating sugar and flour. I mean, how often do I get to go to PARIS? I have not eaten any sugar or white flour in months. I do have to admit I was happy to see this fruit stand outside of my hotel. On my last visit to see Dr. Northfelt, he told Eric he needed to take me on a nice vacation to relax before my upcoming surgery.

I tasted Nutella for the 1st time tonight on a beautiful Crepe. I know you can buy Nutella at Walmart, but I told myself I would never try it until I was in PARIS eating a Crepe. So now I can check that one off the list of things to do. ✔

Would You Do It Over?

I was recently asked, "If you knew at age 20 exactly how your life would end up, would you change the course of it?" I said, "No question about it, NO, I would not change anything" She was a little surprised by my answer and told me that she would change a lot if she had the chance. OK, so for me, and this is obviously not for everyone. I think all the trials and pain that I have seen in my life have made me who I am. It's hard to imagine any other life other than I've lived. 

I think I knew before I came to earth some of the trials I would have to endure; it's selfish to think we could all go through life without any problems. Solving those problems and finding a solution makes us stronger; it's what builds character.

We often, me included, complain about our lives and some of our decisions; however, they were OUR decisions, and we have to, unfortunately, live with the consequences of our choices. I'm glad that we have the agency to choose for ourselves the path we will take, but those choices are not free, and they usually come with a consequence.

When an agency is taken away, and someone or something else makes a choice for your life, you learn to develop strength, patience, and endurance. This is when true character is tested; how the trial will affect your life is still your choice. You choose to learn and grow from it or let it fester and grow into an evil disease that is soon not easy to recognize and takes over your life. The VILLAIN is has been my adversary, but I have learned that in this life, our enemies can become our choicest friends; the secret is in knowing what to do with the conflict

LABELS: CANCER, JOURNALING, RANDOM 

My Fun Visit With Doctor Peter Kreymerman

WEDNESDAY, JULY 21, 2010

My Fun Visit With Doctor Peter Kreymerman

Today was my appointment with my favorite doctor Doctor Peter Kreymerman. First things first, I asked him if anything new and exciting was happening in his life he answered, "yes, we are pregnant" at first, I thought he asked if I was pregnant, my reaction was, "uh, no, I'm not" as I patted my belly then I realized he was talking about his wife. I am so excited for them; they will be having a little baby girl at the end of November. He looked so happy, and I'm sure his wife is cute as can be pregnant. He better be good to her. Heather is on vacation this week, and we missed seeing her.
Since Mayo Clinic is a teaching clinic, he had a beautiful young student with him who had been learning from Dr. Kreymerman since the middle of June. I asked her if he was a good teacher she said he was terrific to work with..... I knew he would be. PK and Tamy got into some medical jargon about my breasts; some people would think, "how embarrassing, or how strange," but it's not. I have been so exposed this past year that nothing really bothers me. My breasts have been seen by every student he's had. I say just call it what it is HARD AS ROCK BOOBS. I can't wait for these expanders to be out of my body; they feel like granite. It's a good thing Tamy knows this stuff; she always explains it to me even though her explanations are way over my head.

I was telling Dr. Kreymerman about the anxiety attack I had last night. I was sitting on my bed reading, but my thoughts were everywhere. Eric is out of town, it's the 1st time he has left me since my diagnosis, and he calls me a lot, but last night I could not control my thoughts and fears, and I began to freak out. I was trying to think of ways to prevent it, so I got some nail polish (bright pink) and started painting my fingernails; what? I have never had colored paint on my nails, especially not bright pink... I liked it, ok, so back to the attack soon I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning, my nails were seriously JACKED UP; I found some remover and took off the polish. I'm not sure if this worked or if it was just really, really weird. I love talking to PK because he listens, and I'm sure he thinks I'm a little strange, but he always laughs and makes me feel comfortable. I asked PK if he liked my hair, and he smiled and politely said, "yes, but I liked your long hair better" that made me happy, finally someone who could be honest. I liked my long hair better too. 

I love my oncologist too, but I can't joke with him like I do PK; today, I thought, "I need to find a way to get Dr. Northfelt to laugh."

We laughed and joked with PK for about 1/2 hour. I told him about some of the experiences I have had since losing my hair, the lady who asked me, "did you cut your hair like that on purpose?" and the lady in Walmart who told me my haircut was terrible and gave me her hairstylist business card. The best story of all was the lady from Subway who hit on me. Dr. Kreymerman laughed and gave me a big hug. He also said the same thing Eric did "take it as a compliment" After examining me, PK said it all looks good; surgery is on the schedule for October 12. 

I am grateful for Doctor Kreymerman; I wish every VILLAIN patient could experience the compassion, whit, and professionalism I have experienced with him. Going into surgery, I will be in good hands; Doctor Kreymerman cares for his patients.

After PK, I had another appointment to get my PORT flushed (something I have to do once a month). Walking into the hospital, I started to panic, but Tamy was good about keeping my mind on other things. I know I can do hard things, but it helps to have Tamy with me; she is a gift from Heaven. Thank You, Girl.

http://monyabonbon.blogspot.comLABELS: CANCER, DR. KREYMERMAN, DR. NORTHFELT, JOURNALING 

Live and Die with no Regrets

 

MONDAY, JULY 19, 2010

Live and Die with no Regrets

I will be seeing Dr. Kreymerman on Wednesday. I asked Tamy if she would mind going with me; she seems to be able to calm me down when I have my anxiety, and she is comfortable with Dr. Kreymerman and his staff. Knowing she will be with me, I feel much better about the trip to the Mayo Clinic Hospital; besides, going to lunch afterward is a massive highlight of my week.

I've heard people say when someone is struck by a sudden heart attack or someone who dies in their sleep, "it was a good way to go," and maybe it is. However, it's an end that leaves us without any chances for preparation, exchanges of feelings, or an occasion to get closure on an incomplete relationship. I don't want this for myself; no matter what I end up dying from, I want to be able to take time with my family and friends.

Today the word "cancer" is no longer a death sentence for everyone it strikes. That dark cloud is hovering over my head and many other cancer patients. 

Cancer has given me time to think about my life and how I want to spend the rest of it. It's time for me to start living instead of thinking about death. I want to look back with dignity and integrity on that day. I want to say farewell with a feeling of peace; I want my children and grandchildren to know how much I adore and love them. I hope I have been a good example; I failed many times as a mother. My children have no idea how I love each of them for their strengths and weaknesses.

Going through this journey with the VILLAIN has allowed me to meet other cancer survivors. One common thing that I've noticed is that there is a fear of unfinished stories. Regrets and a desire for more time with the ones to finally forgive those who have offended you. I am learning to forgive myself and know that the Atonement will take care of it.

When we turn the page to a new life, we leave behind some old habits and begin looking to our future with eyes wide open and a heart full of love and appreciation far beyond what we ever thought we could. I think it would be easier to ignore our own imperfections if we did this.
Yes, it is true I may die earlier than I could have foreseen, but it is also possible that I'll live much longer; whatever happens, I'm going to live my life as well as I can; for me, it's the only way to prepare for whatever happens.

ANXIETY

THURSDAY, JULY 15, 2010

ANXIETY

WOW, it is 2:00 am, and I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I'm thinking about Blake, Haleigh in Utah, my next surgery, and seeing Doctor Kreymerman this next week. My house is quiet, but my ears are ringing so loud; I'm not sure what that's all about. I feel so tired but cannot sleep. I am exhausted.
Today I went out to the Mayo Scottsdale Campus to pick up my MLOA papers from Doctor Northfelt. I called him and asked if it was ok for me to return to work, he wrote me a letter to give to US AIRWAYS, if all goes as I want it to I will be returning to work on July 26, he is allowing me to return part-time until my subsequent surgery. Since June of last year, I have not been working, so back to training I will go. I have some anxiety about returning, but it may help me get past some of the thoughts and feelings I am dealing with right now. Anxiety is a word I never really had in my vocabulary a year ago. 

I now feel like it is a common question asked by each doctor I see "how are you dealing with your anxiety?" or "I hope you understand that all cancer patients end up with anxiety" " do we need to write you a prescription for your anxiety?" 

I think of all the symptoms I've been left with; I despise the anxiety the most; it comes on so suddenly. I try to not think about the VILLAIN, but it is next to impossible. I seriously put it to the test every day, saying, "ok, for one minute, right now, I am not going to think about it," looking at the clock, waiting, waiting, doing good 30 seconds pass... BOOM, there it is. I've tried relaxation CDs, praying, reading, and exercising nothing seems to help. I know it is normal, but I don't want to be a typical cancer patient. 

On my way to Mayo Clinic today, I could hardly breathe, and I had to pull over and say a prayer. Then just walking into the building made me sick to my stomach. I can smell the sickness in the air, especially when I get off the elevator on level three, where chemotherapy is distributed. I love and care for all the doctors and surgeons on my team. I have been treated with utmost respect and empathy by the nurses also.

Well, for now, I will not even try to understand it all. I'm off to bed, and I still need to read from Preach My Gospel tonight.

LABELS: ANXIETY, CANCER, JOURNALING 

Embrace it, Enjoy it

 

SATURDAY, JULY 3, 2010

Embrace it, Enjoy it

Today I decided there are so many good reasons to have short chemo hair:

1. I can get ready to go anywhere in 15 minutes
2. No matter how much I run my fingers through it, it does not get dirty and always stays in shape
3. Even the heavy winds don't mess it up
4. My grandson can't pull it out
5. I have saved a lot of money on shampoo and conditioner
6. No blow-drying or straightening. It dries in about 5 minutes
7. It's thicker and healthier than it's been since I was a baby (no chemicals)
8. Lots of savings on haircuts and highlights
9. I've been told it brings out the color of my blue eyes
10. It's the new me (well, for now anyway)

Not sure if I will ever have my long hair again, so for now, I am embracing this new look of mine. I'm not "in love" with the style, but I have no choice, so I'll find every bit of good in it I can.

I Am Blessed

 I Am Blessed

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm on autopilot, just doing the things that need to be done. I don't want to live that life anymore; it scares me. I want to move forward and be grateful for today; the hours and minutes are so precious; I hope I will always live them with dignity and respect for myself and others.
I have met some incredible people; most of them have contacted me through email. I'm always amazed when it happens because I write so much gibberish on this blog. I can't imagine that someone who doesn't know me would be interested in what I have to say. Heck, I can't imagine that anyone who does know me would either. These women are from other states and some even from other countries, all of us having one thing in typical the stinkin' breast VILLAIN. Recently I was contacted by a woman diagnosed just last week who is flying to Arizona to meet with my team of Doctors at the Mayo Clinic. Through my blog, three women I have met have flown to see my Mayo Clinic doctors. 3 of the woman I have met this past year have flown to Arizona to meet with my team of Doctors. I am grateful for these women in my life; one of them moved here from New Jersey and does not have any family or close friends. 

When she was diagnosed, she searched doctors on google, and my blog came up. She is also using my same team of doctors. She will be undergoing a bi-lateral mastectomy on June 30th. I hope she falls in love with Dr. Kreymerman) like I did. Is it weird that I am looking forward to seeing him next month? My prayers and thoughts are with my new friend Jodi at this time. It's scary. The unknown can bring so much fear and anxiety to your life. People I have met this past year have helped me see life differently. I have never met; they don't know how they have touched my life with their faith and strength. A couple of them have passed away, and the VILLAIN took their life. I am still trying to process this and make sense of it. Life is strange how it changes so quickly; one day, you're upset with a child or your husband for something, and in just a moment, life changes, and those things now seem so silly or insignificant in the whole eternal scheme.

 I started this blog saying I feel like I'm on autopilot; what I mean by that is I've let myself become immune to life. I'm getting back into my routines and forgetting what is essential. I learned to wake up every morning happy to be alive, glad that I have a wonderful husband who has a job and takes great care of me. I am so pleased about my children, sisters who I love and adore, and extended family and friends who respect and love me. Please, please help me never to forget; I often plead with the Lord to help me never to forget.
How many people have a friend who would dedicate themselves to helping you fight the BC battle by taking you to every single chemotherapy treatment? I do. Tamy Scheurn took me most of the time. I love her so much that I don't think I can express this woman's compassion for other people. I want to be like that; I want to give back to so many who helped me when I was sick, those who continue to leave things like flowers, chips/salsa, treats, and books on my doorstep. I don't know most of them because they have taught their children to serve without getting recognition (doorbell ditchers). I LOVE IT !!!! Simply said, I AM BLESSED.