Easter 2025

 

Hello, My Lover,

It has been a whirlwind of activity — moving from a 5,000-square-foot home to a 2,100-square-foot one has kept me on my toes more than I ever expected.

Yesterday, I did something sweet. I invited the kids and grandchildren over to our Gilbert home for one last dinner and a Golden Egg hunt. As the grandkids searched for eggs, I could hear you in my head — cheering them on as each one found their egg with $20 inside. I could practically feel your wink when they succeeded. I miss your belly laugh… your smile… everything about the joy you brought to even the simplest moments.

Today is Easter, and I attended my new ward. The people there are so kind, and I felt a sense of peace in their presence. Do you remember when we were deciding to move from the house on Cove? We hunted for land, but what mattered most to me was the ward. I will never forget the spirit we felt when we visited the Sixth Ward together. Yesterday, as people introduced themselves and welcomed me, I felt that same spirit — a warm reminder that I am not alone. It’s a good ward, with a beautiful mix of children, youth, and many retired couples our age. This was my third week there, and I already feel welcomed and embraced.

I grew spiritually in that old ward, surrounded by so many dear people who helped build my testimony of Christ. Today, more than ever, I remember that Jesus Christ’s sacrifice assures me we will see each other again.

I arrived at church just a little late, and as I sat in the foyer, I gazed at the life-size picture of Christ. I pictured Him standing with you, and I had a quiet conversation with Him. I know He lives. I know I will see you again. I can’t fully understand why Heavenly Father allowed His Son to suffer, knowing the pain it would bring Him, but I know it was part of His plan — a plan of love and mercy that gives me hope.

The grandchildren are growing so fast. Haleigh and her family were unable to attend today, but she sent pictures of them — and oh, they are getting so big. Ellis is tall, and Sena was sweet as ever. She reminds me so much of Haleigh at her age. Haleigh has always been a kind, gentle soul. What a joy it was to raise her! I’ll never forget her senior year of high school — so many times, she would crawl into bed next to me just to be near me, no words needed. She was my fierce advocate during my cancer journey, even without knowing it.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Kayla lately. She and Jeremy are separated, and I fear their marriage may not survive. Kayla is an incredible mom and an amazing listener. I understand her more now, and through her, I’ve learned so much about Autism and the depth of patience it requires. Recker is fifteen now — big and strong like Jeremy —, and he often echoes what we say, letting me know he understands. When I say, I love you, he responds in his own beautiful way. Ezra is gentle and loving — just the other day, he ran back to me for a big hug that brought tears to my eyes. Teddy is thoughtful and kind, though he’s understandably confused about his parents’ separation.

You would be so proud of Blake. He has helped me tremendously this past year. You know he’s such a mama’s boy. He’s a hard worker, a great husband, and an incredible father. Chloe is thriving in her job at Denver’s office, and Weslie — sweet Wes — oh, she is a dancer like her mom, and she loves it. Yesterday, she kept hugging me and kept asking when she could have a “sleepover.” You know how much I adore that. She wondered about Papa — where you are, physically. I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want to say something her parents wouldn’t like, so I told her how much you still love her, and that one day, when it’s my time to leave this life, I’ll be with you again. She listened earnestly — I’m not sure if she fully understood, but she wanted to be comforted.

Kaitlyn and Brian are excellent. Kaitlyn works from home and really enjoys her job. I am so proud of her in so many ways. Brian works hard, and I’m grateful that they continues to lean on the Lord together. I asked Brian if he would come and dedicate our new home in The Reserve — and of course, he said he would. He is solid in the Gospel, and I am so glad he is Kaitlyn’s partner.

Phoenix is ten now — growing so fast. He loves soccer and football, and life with such joy and friendships. And Archie… you know how my heart melts with that boy. Kaitlyn may say he’s sneaky, but I’ve never seen it — to me, he is all sweetness. I love how much Archie and Phoenix adore little Florence. I feel a little sorry for the boys who want to date her someday — she is something truly special. Something spiritual and radiant. Recently, she looked up at me and said, “Do you know Jesus died for all of us?” Oh my heart. I answered, “Yes, He did — and He loves you. He loves all the people in the whole world.” She is much like Kaitlyn was at that age—full of wonder and expression. Every time she sees me, she runs with her little arms wide open and yells, “Bonbon!” — and I can’t help but laugh and melt right into her arms.

I’m so grateful we have these children of ours. Every one of them holds a piece of my heart. They are responsible, good people — and their spouses are wonderful too.

I used to tell you how sad it was that they never got to know your mom. Now I fear they may forget you. I try to remind them — especially the little ones — how much you love them.

I love you, and I always will.

Love,
Monya

Christmas 2024

 

Frenchie,

You’ve been gone for ten months now. This is our first Christmas without you.

Last night, all I could think about was how many times I drove with you on Christmas Eve to get gift cards for the kids. You loved Christmas — it was always such a big part of our children’s lives. Now, looking back on all those years, I want to establish traditions that our children and grandchildren will remember long after I am gone to be with you. I’m not very good at traditions… well, at coming up with them — so I’ll have to ask around for help.

I woke up this morning and looked at your face on the pillow, whispering a quiet Merry Christmas. I took a shower and got ready for the day, but this year I didn’t put much effort into decorating. It didn’t seem right without you. Honestly… nothing seems right without you. I’m still trying to process the fact that you are gone — and the terribly tragic moment on that beach when I watched you leave me. The nightmares are still unbearable.

This Christmas was very quiet. None of the kids came over. I drove by Blake and Chloe’s home… and then by Kaitlyn and Brian’s. But I didn’t stay. It hurts to think that our grandchildren will not know you — the laughter you brought, the joy you added to this family, especially on Christmas Day. Thank you for all the years and Christmases we spent together; they truly were magical.

Dr. Lettieri called me today to check on me. I thought that was really sweet of him — a kindness I didn’t expect, but one that warmed my heart.

I found myself thinking about that Kathy Lee watch. I teased you so much when I opened it, knowing exactly where you bought it — Walmart, the night before Christmas — with Mike Scow by your side, hunting for anything that would make Jenny and me happy. I still have that watch, still in the box it came in. You swore up and down it wasn’t from Walmart, but we both knew the truth. We got so many laughs out of that moment, and you were always such a good sport when I teased you.

I keep thinking about Christmases past — and I cannot think of one that wasn’t full of fun and joy because Christmas meant so much to you. I remember our first Christmas after we were married. We had Kayla and Blake. They were so little, but you made sure Kayla felt extra special that day. Blake was only a few months old, so we knew he wouldn’t remember — and I’m sure Kayla doesn’t either — but you bought her a little doll, and she loved it.

I was alone most of the day, and I was okay with that… until it got dark. Because then I knew I would be walking up those stairs to bed alone. And now I’m sitting on our bed, looking at your pillow and wondering what you’re doing today, where you are, who you are with. I wish I knew exactly what happens after death… all I know for sure is that I will see you again. The covenants we made in the Temple — the promises we made to each other — will make every moment of this loneliness worth it. Eternity with you sounds perfect.

I love you so much.

Merry Christmas, Babe.
Love,
Monya

Our First and Last Thanksgiving

 Hey Frenchie-

I am so overwhelmed and feel like I have no one I can trust to talk to. You were my one and done, my first and last lover. The day I leave this earth will be the happiest day of my life, for I will get to look into your beautiful eyes and hold you in my arms. Oh, what a day that will be. By then, you will have everyone convinced Donald Trump was the best President the world has ever had; it probably won't go quite like that, but I can dream. 

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, Eric; you would have loved it. Chloe is organized, you know? She called me and asked what the plan was for Thanksgiving. The next thing I knew, she had everyone's responsibility to bring for dinner. Blake Chloe made the Turkey, and it was unbelievably good. Kaitlyn made that raspberry jello salad. She tried to tell us it was a salad. Who's she kidding? That was our favorite dessert. She also made cream cheese with spicy cranberry jelly dip appetizer; you would have loved her sweet potatoes, too. I am trying to remember everything that was brought, but it was the best ever. I missed having Haleigh and Scott. She is still not talking to me, but I am no longer taking on anyone else's drama; I can't do that again. I would love to talk to her, and I think it is sad I don't get to see Ellis & Sena, but I cannot control this, so I'm letting it go for now.

Kayla went to New Mexico with Jeremy. His sister Megan was in a severe car accident with her family and Eric; it was terrible. Her husband and all of her children died. Megan was pregnant, so they had to do an emergency C-section, and that sweet little baby also died. I believe she was carrying her sixth child. I can't imagine waking up in the hospital and being told that my entire family was gone. She has strong faith, and that is what carried her through when her daughter died a few years ago. This is different; there is no husband to lean on. I hope her faith will take her through this trial. I pray for her every day.

I hoped the entire family would see the importance of being together for the first Thanksgiving without you and our last one in this house. You know what? I was grateful to the ones who could come. Kaitlyn said, "Mom, you made a perfect chocolate pie. I love it." That truly made my heart break. Do you know when you remember those moments as a child, and no one else does? This was like that. I automatically thought of my mom. She only complimented me once in my life, when she said I had the remarkable ability to forgive people. I remember where I was standing, what I was wearing, and how incredible it made me feel to have my mom acknowledge me in such a way. I will never forget this moment when Kaitlyn complimented me. I loved it. I also loved hearing the kids talk about the fun memories they shared with you. 

The night before Thanksgiving is usually the night you and I—well, really me—stay in the kitchen all day, wanting Thanksgiving to be perfect. You always went to Costco at the last minute for a sale on Pumpkin pie, and you were my go-to for running errands and picking up last-minute things from the store guy. I miss you coming in with that sly look like you thought you were in trouble with two turkeys in hand. Every year, I would ask, "When will we eat another Turkey before our next Thanksgiving?" It bugged me so much because the following year, you would want to donate it; well, you always wanted expired food to go to a shelter or be  donated somewhere, and every year, I would tell you, "Let's find a family who could use it this year."That never happened. I miss those little things. Every year, there was an argument about who I was inviting and whether we had enough tables and chairs- you knew we did. Your passive aggressiveness was saying, "Can you clean the tables and chairs so I don't have to do it?" It bugged me then, but I've changed since you left me. I can only control myself, and I've been leading with compassion towards people who say things that are just stupid- bless their hearts. They just don't understand the depth of my loneliness.

I'm packing up the house and don't want to get up in the attic—ugh—but you know I will get up on that ladder and start throwing things out. If there is anything worth keeping, I will save it, but honestly, what were we thinking, putting my old vinyl records up there? I'm sure they are cracked and wilted by now. There is certainly a lot to keep me busy for a few months. How in the world did we accumulate so much crap? I need to find out how much it will cost to have the city drop off a large garbage bin. I also need to call about getting someone to come to our house and shred everything that was essential papers. I know how important that was to you. 

Overall, our Thanksgiving was wonderful. Everyone got along, but everyone missed you, and I left your end seat empty—no one sat in it. 

I need some strength right now. I'm going to ask Brother Arnold to give me a blessing. I pray every night and listen for answers, but nothing comes, so I am overthinking this whole 'moving' thing. 

It's time for bed. Tomorrow, I will begin putting up Christmas, and I will think of you the entire time, knowing this is your favorite time of year. 

Love,

Monya

Parental Regrets

I spent the day in bed and woke up feeling really down. I miss my Frenchie with all my heart. Sunday is Easter, and I will miss sitting next to Frenchie in church while he sings all the words and hymns uniquely. Bless His Heart. He was the first to say he couldn't hold a tune if his life was on the line. But he loved music, all types of music. One of the things I loved about taking road trips with him was he loved to listen to the Love Channel. In church, I always wanted him to sit on my deaf ear side so I didn't have to hear him sing the wrong words to the hymns; now that was embarrassing. He didn't care. He was singing Carly Simon to the tune of the hymns. I'm going to miss that!!

Blake stopped by to see how I was doing; he is much like Eric. He loves his mama, and Blake is definitely a mama's boy. I love his hugs and when he kisses me on the forehead, "How's it going, mama?" He has always been so sweet to me. Chloe is a very blessed woman to have Blake as her husband. Like his dad, he will be a good provider, but his family is more of a priority than it was to Eric. That part differs from Eric's; he worked hard and was not with my children much when they were little. I never thought about that then because that's what all dads and some moms did. The generation raising my grandchildren is much more present in their children's lives, including the dad. 

One night a couple of years ago, Eric and I discussed parenting. We believed we gave our children too much. I had a lot of shame because of what happened to Haleigh, "How could I let anyone, including family, babysit her?" Kayla said she was abused, too, but not by the same person. I didn't believe her, because when she told me it was in a rage and she said, "I was abused IN YOUR HOME." When I asked who did that to her, she got mad and said, "I'm not going to tell you that. It's none of your business." "Kayla, are you kidding me? If that happened in my home, I deserve to know who did that to you." These two things have haunted me. Eric felt ashamed for not spending enough time with his children and wished he hadn't raised his voice or gotten angry when he tried to help them with math. He also had so many regrets about Blake. I said he wished he would have spent more time with him. But he also said Blake, and he got much closer in Blake's adult years. I told Eric he didn't need to regret that and that our only son loves his dad. I told him Blake would always look up to him and that he wanted to be like him. 

We learned that parenting is hard, really hard. And we did the best we could with what we were taught. Eric often said, "This is about me and you now. The kids have their families to care for, and you and I have many years to travel and be together."

Halloween 2014

 

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2014

Halloween 2014

Recker Loves Papa and Pizza

Brian and Kaitlyn--Old Couple--She's pregnant.
How'd that happen?

Brad and Betty Walmart Greeters
Haleigh & Scott

Ezra the Lion

Mother's Day 2014

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21, 2014

Mother's Day-

I am still in Mayo Hospital for Mother's Day. There may be some typos. As I try to write this it is very painful, and writing is hard. Today, the kids came to see me, and I got a lot of text messages. Today I decided I am going to let my BRAVE come through so my kids can see me. I tried I was trying so hard; I even ate a cupcake. The kids brought me a necklace from sister Kara Kelly, she is always so generous, and I am grateful for the necklace it says BRAVE on it. I am not feeling the BRAVE today--trying, though--

My body is not reacting the way I want it to. I hate hospitals, pain medicine, and how my face looks--but I love how my beautiful children and spouses look--they are so great--I have a great family and have so much to be happy about. 
 Eric brought me the new Live Happy Magazine yesterday he knew I would want to see it.

Love these girls

Beautiful flowers

Ezra

Liz and Danny,friends up for a visit

choose to live happily

my boys--Blake, Eric and Brian

Bonus--2 cupcakes--I wish I could say I ate them--
but I tried both and they were good.

Easter 2014

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 2014

Easter 2014

I'm a bit behind on blogging, so before I go into a blog about my last surgery, I want to post about the most important people in my life......my family.
This year was a fun Easter; I had all my children and grandchildren here for dinner and made these cute baskets for Recker and Ezra.

These were so fun to put together for Ezra and Recker.

We hid eggs (plastic) in the backyard, and they were not really hidden, the boys are too young to search, but boy, did they have fun finding them.

We are so blessed to have these cutie pies come to our family.

Recker..took off running for the pool--no stopping him.

Fun dinner outside--and on paper plates...

Jeremy ended up with his boys in the pool.

Singing happy birthday to Haleigh.

The most immense joy in my life is my children and grandchildren, I know my children get embarrassed by me, they get frustrated with me, and they are sometimes disappointed by me--but I love each of them for their individual talents and triumphs. I wish I was the "perfect" mother; in fact, I wish I knew a "perfect" mother, so I could read her book and learn from her....does she exist? I don't believe she does, I know I compare myself to other mothers who may have a better way of doing things, all I can do is be the best I can be today, and if I fail tomorrow, I will try again.

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