Pull your britches up

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2014

Pull your britches up

Thursday, February 13th, 2014

Today I spent some time at Mayo Clinic. When I stepped off the elevator onto the fifth floor, I saw a sign with arrows directing me to the department you may need to visit. 5 East Check In, Neurology/Neurosurgery, Pain Clinic, PM and R/PT, Psychiatry/Psychology, Sleep Medicine. I had to laugh when I realized I have been to every one of these departments within the past 4 years. Today I am visiting the pain clinic.

My right hip and back are throbbing in pain; it is descending down my thigh to my knee and then traveling to my feet and out my toes. I'm hoping for some answers. Today is the usual stuff going on at Mayo Clinic. A lot of people walk around with no hair or needing oxygen tanks, and people are being pushed in wheelchairs. Today I am extra sensitive for some reason; tears are bubbling up. I can't stop thinking about cancer, it has changed my life, and then changed the life of my loved ones. It all hit me at once today I cried. I have been so blessed. I am a miracle.  I'm looking around at these people and wondering how I can help them to believe in something good?  I want to say, "Go forward in faith, have HOPE, and remember where you came from and where you are going" Most people look sad and dreary. I watched a husband and wife sitting together in the waiting area holding hands. I stared at that sweet moment; more tears flowed down my cheeks.

Suddenly I heard my name being announced, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and shook myself out of the self-induced coma I was in. The assistant asked if I was OK, I smiled and said "Yes, just a little emotional today" I'm sure she was uncomfortable as she led me into the exam room, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. She asked if I was in 'that much pain' I quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped my face. I told her "No, I'm OK" but in my head, I'm thinking "really? really am I OK?" She left the room.

I've always wondered why Mayo Clinic has a nurse come in to ask what medicine you are taking. I rattle them all off as she stares at the computer, reading them as I say them....does anyone think that is weird? Then she looks at me and says, "any other meds?" she proceeds to repeat what I just told her by reading it off my file. She leaves, and the P.A. comes in. He is tall, very handsome, and young, in his late 20's. Then he starts asking the same questions the nurse asked. With his handy little pen, he is writing notes. Then about as cute as he could be, he pulled out his own notes. He did a routine check.... bend over, touch your toes....(yeah, right) lean back, walk forward, turn around.... blah blah blah...... I asked if he was new, "Yes, but I know what I'm doing" I wanted to say, 'whoa there tiger I'm just wondering not accusing.' Dr. Cutie pie seemed nervous, he looked at me, smiled, and said, "They won't let me abbreviate anything here at Mayo" I smiled and said, "You mean like LOL?" This lightened up the mood a little, and we both laughed. He leaves the room, and Doctor Freeman I comes in, again asking about the medicine. It's the third time I've reported my medicine list. Mayo Clinic is supposed to be a teaching hospital I should expect this 'red carpet treatment. Nothing ever gets overlooked.

When I was getting my injection, Dr. Freeman was gentle, but this time it hurt more than I remember.
I've never cried while getting an injection, but today I did.  It didn't help that I could see everything he was doing through the mirror in front of me. I watched him take the long nasty needle and stick it in my hip, giving it a little push and shove this way and that way to make sure the entire area was covered--I was embarrassed when I cried.  Just when I thought it was over and the tears were gone, I had to turn over and get my lower back injected--I almost came off the table, and now I'm really shaking in pain. He asks the P.A. "Did you see how I did that?" REALLY? I'm right here I can hear you... he said, "Pull your britches up, and we can get you into the recovery room" for some reason something in my brain clicked and took me back to my youth. "Pull your britches up" My grandmother used to say when she wanted us to basically 'put on our big girl panties' and wipe the dirt off our knees. It's going to be OK.

Yes, it is going to be OK. I'm going to be ok. I just want to sleep. So much has been going on the last few nights I have not slept. I need to call upon the heavens and ask once again if the angels can calm my hurting heart and help me find some peace, go to my quiet place and sleep. I trust in His plan for our family and for me, but tonight I just need some reassurance that all is good in my little world, then I can sleep.

Monday February 17, 2014

Today would have been my mother's birthday.  Every year on this day I think about her. I say an extra prayer hoping she will have a peaceful birthday. I decided a couple of days ago that on this day in memory of her I would pay it forward, do something kind for someone and just spread happiness.

The alarm going off this morning startled me, mostly because it was 3:30 a.m. and I have not been up at this time of the morning since my medical leave 2 months ago, but also because I've been thinking about what I could do to share happiness today.

On my way to work, it was a little chilly outside, so I stopped at Starbucks to get a caramel apple cider. When I pulled up to the drive-up window, the girl said in her perky 4 a.m. voice "Here's your caramel apple cider, oh and it's free for you" I asked why it was free, again perky as could be she said, "Oh, the person in the car in front of you wanted to pay for your drink" by this time I have a puzzled look on my face.... she said, "You know, like pay it forward?" Wait, what? I wanted to spread happiness today. How, why did someone beat me to it? The natural thing would have been for me to pay for the people in the car behind me but being so shocked at the mere kindness of a stranger, I said thank you and drove off.  "Why didn't I pay for those people?" was my thought all the way to work. However, it did make me smile and renew my faith in the world. Maybe all is not lost. There is some happiness spreading.

When I got to work, there were 800+ people on hold because of all the winter storms in the East. I heard grumblings of co-workers tired from working mandatory 12-hour overtime hours. I said to myself, "No matter what happens on the phones today, I will not allow anyone to crush my dreams of a happy day."  Every phone call for the next 4 hours were people stranded, trying to get home, get to a meeting, make it to a wedding or funeral.  I tried my hardest to put myself in their shoes, despite their desperate cries for someone (USAirways) to take responsibility for the weather.

On my way home from work, I listened to happy music, joyful sounds of music bring back memories of my mom. I tried hard not to break out in tears. I so wish my mother had known me as a woman. I'm smiling, thinking of her finally happy now--why do so many people walk around mad, angry and resentful? Living this way takes so much energy and requires so much wasted time. Today I choose to be happy--

I can't prove that laughter is the best medicine, but I have seen many examples of people in my life who have had remarkable results in doing this regularly. It's been a long time since I've had a good belly laugh--I think it's about time for me to tap back into that.

I went to Paradise Bakery, bought 2 dozen cookies went to a place where I know some people would be needing a lift today -- the chemo lab at Mayo Clinic -- I would have loved a good cookie when I was sitting in that chair watching the red dragon drain into my body. This brought happiness to me. I loved seeing some frowns turn to smiles--

Today, I worked on not worrying about the past or the future but just being in the moment, today I made strides towards living free, living happily.

Happy Birthday, mom.

Empty Nose Syndrome

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2013

Empty Nose Syndrome 

September 24, 2013
A year ago, I was hit with a hammer in the head (not literally) doctors found things in my body, too many things and I was not ready to deal with them. I had surgery on my nose to fix the broken septum. I was told the septum broke because of chemo. However, I have had issues with my right nostril since I broke my nose at age fourteen. I think if anything, all chemo did was finally crush it in. I said no to a biopsy, no regrets. I said no to the ear surgery with the BAJA implant, no regrets.  I asked my family to respectfully give me the time I needed. Well, the time has come.

I was encouraged when I saw Dr. Barr's told me my ear looked better. Not as swollen and red, the carcinoma is still in tack.  He asked me questions about proceeding with the Cochlear BAJA procedure for people with SSD (single-sided deafness) While Eric and I were in Tahiti, my right ear started to drain nonstop and without going into too many details, the smell was disgusting. The draining and pain took me back to my childhood. I dealt with this daily for years. I was hesitant to see a new ENT.  Dr. Brian Borland had been my doctor since I was three. The last time I saw him was when I was twenty-nine.

I was referred to Dr. Barr's by another doctor at Mayo Clinic. I love him; although he works in the ENT department, his official title is Otorhinolaryngology. He is one of twelve doctors in the United States who do what he does. I again am blessed not only with another great doctor but one who I can tell loves his patients and has been extremely helpful in explaining everything.

Since the last time I saw him, my eardrum broke again. Unfortunately, this will require more involved surgery.  I was waiting for the ear surgery until I was done with having dental surgery with Dr. Paul Kelly.  This will be my third surgery with him, and I will finish the dental implant.

My first appointment was with Anthony Mendez P.A. He takes care of all the nose issues for Dr. Barr's. He is very compassionate and kind. After some idle chit chat, he asked me some questions about my ear, then my nose. Then came the time--here we go--the moment he sticks 2 sprays in each nostril and then the throat.  To be quite honest it tastes like crap. It made me choke. I presented this young doctor with the question "Do you enjoy looking up at the noses of people all day?" He responded perfectly " I love my job" my reply made him laugh "Well, I guess it's better than other body cavities you could be looking at all day" This created a lot of laughs for him and me. While it was numbing, he showed me my x-ray--the septum is now in line the way it should be. However, to have that happen, the doctor had to take great skill in removing the entire turbinate from the right side of my nose then he said, "Let's just hope you don't have empty nose syndrome. That is an awful diagnosis" He could see the fear on my face and immediately started to backtrack, he said "No worries, it's nothing, let's take a look" 1st, he stuck the camera in my ear so I could see the left ear and the right ear--there it was on the big screen in front of my eyes. Wow, I thought it was a pinhole in my eardrum, Dr. Barr's could go in and fix it easily.  NO, my entire eardrum is blown out in a perfect circular form.  Now for the nose, he 1st looked in the left nose--looked good, no boogers, ha ha--then the right nostril--again, no embarrassing boogies--but an extreme difference from the left. I could see the carcinoma and the hole.  Anthony then gave me the diagnosis we did not want to hear. I have empty nose syndrome. I can hold one nostril closed and still have the air come out of the other, but the blockage feels like it is between my throat and nasal passage. Turbinates are important for the typical person, it sends messages to the brain when something is wrong in your sinus--mine is empty, so, therefore, I cannot control the continual drainage or dryness of my nose--there is no surgery--but he gave me a medication to try daily.

Now on to see Dr. Freeman, my favorite pain physician. He makes me laugh every time I see him. He will be injecting my right hip today and my lower back. My lower back has become a huge issue and has caused me to faint with pain or my knees to buckle up and give out on me because of the pain.

As I am waiting in the "complaining" room today, more typically known as the "waiting" room, all I hear is complaining patients. Today a lady walked up to the sweet receptionist and demanded someone take her back and show her where her Physical Therapy will be (starting in 2 weeks) "I need someone to show it to me NOW!" For some reason, she reminded me of Veruca Salt in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory "No daddy, I want it now" WHOA, lady, back it up and settle down a notch was my thought.  Sitting directly behind me, I could hear the couple arguing about why Mayo Clinic makes them fill out all these papers, none of the other doctors do that...blah blah blah....the lady behind them pipes in and says, "Oh, Mayo Clinic loves to give us all extra work to do while they take up our sweet time in this waiting room waiting for doctors to get back from lunch" I did have to laugh out loud about that statement, I have felt that before too, but I do understand the paperwork on pain related issues they need to know what level of pain you are experiencing now, not 3 months ago.
This woman was so sarcastic and rude to her daughter, who was trying to help her get the papers done as soon as possible. This woman was of no help to her at all--she said at one point, "Just mark all of them. My body hurts" the daughter being as patient as she could, said, "Mom, let's take this slow, is your pain constant but changes in intensity?"  She still continually belittled her daughter, which was frustrating for me. I closed my eyes and wondered who of my children would take care of me, or would they send me alone or with a caregiver? Have I been good enough and kind enough to them that they would want to help me?  Maybe this lady would feel different if she had no one to help her. I'd give anything to have a relationship with my mom. I remember all the prayers on my behalf, all the kind gifts left anonymously on my doorstep. I wonder if I have given more than I've taken. If so I need to work on that one. I hope I never treat anyone like that.

Next is me, as they call my name, I see Dr. Freeman in the hall and say, "Don't make me wait too long." He smiled and said, "Be with you soon." 

When he walked in, he asked me if I was writing in my journal I responded, "Yes, I always do when I come here, good things are happening in your waiting room, and I want to remember them," He said, "I hope you wrote that I am your favorite Doctor, so it's worth listening to all the complainers"  I showed him where I did just that, my 1t line was now I get to see my favorite pain specialists.  As he gave me the injections, I told him, "I don't like you anymore. This really hurts," He said, "But I will be your favorite in a few days, so I'm not worried"  I went off to recover until I was stable enough to walk and drove home.  That is the update more to come in the next few weeks.

Negotiations with the Lord

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2012

Negotiations With the Lord

When I was fourteen years old, I prayed to Heavenly Father, asking him to please get me out of the toxic environment I was living in, and I would promise to follow him and serve.

I also pleaded with the Lord when I was diagnosed with cancer to let me live long enough to see my son come home from his mission. HE DID.

Once Blake got home, I asked again to let me live long enough to see Haleigh find the love of her life and get married in the Temple. She's engaged to be married in March.

When Eric's mother was alive and first diagnosed with breast cancer, she asked her husband Ray to give her a blessing. She told him that all she wanted was to live long enough to see her three boys go on missions. She went into remission for approximately 14 years. When Kurt, her youngest boy, came home from his mission, her cancer returned, and within a few months, she passed away.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and 3 years since my first negotiations started. I have a feeling negotiations are going to end. I promised my family I would make some decisions about moving forward with health issues after the Holidays, and the "Holidays" are coming and going too soon. I'm not ready. However, I did put it on my calendar to make an appointment with my pain doctor at Mayo Clinic --which means it's on my calendar to call them, and I will.

I'm making some progress as we wind down this year and start 2013. I have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Friday, January 04, with my new endocrinologist Dr. Roust. I saw Dr. Magitbay (my gyno oncologist) a couple of weeks ago, and he said things look good. I know it's baby steps towards some answers, but I'm making them. I also have some tests on the calendar, and my family will be happy.

This time of year brings on a lot of emotions for me and has for years. It used to be because I was not with my mom and sharing the holidays with her, knowing she would be alone, and she chose not to soften her heart. Now, I appreciate the Holidays, and I love the spirit it brings into my heart. 3 years ago, my friends and family put up all my Christmas decorations while I threw up and felt the pain of chemo raging through my body. I don't think I had given enough attention or appreciation for what Eric and the rest of my family were going through then.

 I often talk to the caregivers where I volunteer. One common thread that I have noticed is that they feel helpless, constantly feeling angry but not exactly knowing who to be mad with or why they are angry. Recently I received an email from one of our patient's caregivers. She wanted to see if it was "normal" to feel her anger after losing her friend. She wanted to know what she could have done to better serve her friend. When you are struck with a cancer diagnosis, there is no NORMAL to life. I have learned from volunteering that people going through this journey often differ entirely from their caregivers. I'm so grateful I can volunteer. Many people have said to me, "why would you want to be around that environment, after all you've been through?" to those people, I always smile and say, "why wouldn't I?" I'm learning more about myself and my sweet husband (the caregiver) from volunteering than I would have ever learned. I am so thankful for Eric, he was the best caregiver I could have ever had during my treatments, and he continues to be strong and the best cheerleader for me as I visit Mayo Clinic.

So as I ask the question, "are we allowed to negotiate with the Lord?" my conclusion is and always has been that we are not in control of our lives, we can make promises, and I believe the Lord will keep his promises to us. Still, life happens, and all around us are people who need our attention and need our love, we may not understand why some trials come into our lives, I sure don't, but I do believe, at least for me, I have learned so much about myself these past few years, I don't want to go back there. However, the experience has softened my heart and helped me be more compassionate, and if you know me well, you know this is a great accomplishment for me.  

2013--bring it on--even with that number 13, I detest--

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Oopsie Daisy

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2011

Oopsie Daisey.

I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks--oopsie, daisy. Honestly, my life has been incredibly busy. I am working four days a week now. Lots of flights are being canceled this time of year because of weather back East--when I talk to those stranded people, I feel bad for them--but grateful that I was born and raised in Arizona--I endure the summer heat for a few months so I can love, love, love the winters here. I also have been spending a bunch of time at the Mayo Clinic in physical therapy a couple times a week with Pauline. Tomorrow I will go to the Mayo Hospital directly after work to see Dr. Freeman. He will bring his syringe full of pain meds to be injected into my right hip and lower back. Can you say ouch? Hopefully, this will help with the pain and allow me to walk without a limp.
(the above was written yesterday)
 I drove to Mayo Clinic Hospital today, not really knowing what to expect. As I walked through the doors, chemo and hospital smell reeked. I sat in the waiting area across a man with an oxygen tank, he looked miserable, and things were about to get worse as he ran out of oxygen--his wife was yelling hysterically, and the nurses were scattering to get him a new tank. Poor Mr. Brown, I know his name because they repeatedly repeated it to get his attention. I thought he was going to die. Behind me, a woman was on the phone relaying a message to her family that someone had just passed away and they needed to get to the hospital. To the left of me is a lady having an anxiety attack; by now, my mind is thinking, "concentrate, Monya, don't pay attention to what is going on around you" I wanted to cover my ears with my hands and sing a song to drown out all that was going on around me. The phone rang. It was Eric checking in on me, boy, was I happy to hear his voice. Finally, they sent me up to the fifth-floor pain clinic. On the elevator, we made a couple of stops, the woman who had a death in the family was on the elevator with me. She was crying.

I wanted to hug her but felt like I needed to respect her boundaries. We stopped on the 2nd floor, and the Mayo Pastor got on the elevator. I noticed she was carrying a Bible and book labeled How to prepare for death. Whoa, today I'm getting a reality check. Mayo has a way of doing that to me. She only went up one floor, and I noticed she was on the patient's bed, visiting a family--I was sad about that. We continued to the fifth floor, the lady with the tears went left, and I went right--just like those people were gone, they have no idea what an impression they left on me, and I will never see them again.
I approached the pain clinic check-in, and they handed me a stack of papers. What else could they need from me? They know everything there
is to know. They've taken my boobs, hair, uterus, and hundreds of hours of my time. I will be waiting for an hour today. Instead of anxiety meds, I will read my scriptures while I wait. It worked. After an hour and a half of scripture study, they called me back for the procedure. I really like Dr. Freeman. The procedure was not as bad as I had anticipated, but let's face it, no one wants to be poked and prodded with needles. I decided as I sat in the recovery room that for today, just today, I am tired of PROCEDURES, NEEDLES, INJECTIONS, & MAYO. Even as I type that out, I feel guilty for feeling that way. I have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed to have Dr. Freeman on my team of doctors, especially when so many people are struggling today at Mayo.