The Price of Beauty

FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2015

The Price of Beauty

I was recently at a training in Canada, as I religiously took notes I suddenly was struck with shock when I heard Mark (the trainer) tell a story about how much women pay for their beauty products.  I heard laughing from the audience, but I was in another world.  I was having an outer body experience. What is the price we pay for beauty?  I'm not talking about a monetary price, as Mark was humorously entertaining us with.
I had an ah ha moment, I wrote: Mark said, "believe me guys, there is a price for beauty...."
I immediately wrote down "For me, what I have learned about beauty from Nerium this past year is Priceless" My face is disfigured, it will never be the same.  I want that so badly, I want to look at someone and smile, smile BIG.  I want to show my teeth.  I can't believe I took my smile for granted.  Just like I took my hair for granted, the feeling in breasts for granted, being able to run and train for granted, I could go on and on..... I simply took everything in life for granted.
I cannot honestly say any of this is understandable, nor has it been easy.  I may not always please people with my honesty and truthfulness, however I know the Lord has gotten me through these past few years.  I have been refined, not defined by Him who loves me just as I am.  In my quiet time, when I spend thinking and pondering over why so much in my life has been hard there have been times I've truly wanted to crawl in a hole and die--I've wondered if anyone would even miss me, lost sometimes in despair.
Then suddenly my heart is filled with more love and an overwhelming feeling of His arms around me, pulling me up through that dark and empty hole into the light again.
I lived for so long not caring about others, not caring even about where I was going or where I should be.  I now know my life was intentionally and most humbly prepared for me before I even came to earth.  His grace has gotten me through enormously unbelievable circumstances.  Because I know He has made promises to me if I am righteous and obedient I will continue trying to live as He wants me to.  I will share Hope and Faith with others, I know the Lord will use me, he will lead and guide me to people who are in need.  This life for me is no longer about beauty on the outside, I ask Him to help me not turn from pain and to give me strength and compassion to help others who are climbing an uphill battle.
We all want to feel beautiful, external beauty, I know this because I have been that person.  There are still glimpses I take in the mirror that horrify me.  When I am weak, I know I have to move forward, never go back, never give up.  I am putting all my faith in unseen strong hands that I have felt comfort me and pull me to a higher ground.  I love that feeling, knowing He is watching over me, He knows me, He feels my pain and He understands my journey on this earth is not quite over.
Physically I am tired, my body aches my heart is full and yet I want to fight because I know there are so many more miracles to come to others from Him through me.  I don't feel comfortable sharing those sacred moments the Lord has so gracefully revealed to me I have more work to do before it is my time to go live with Him again.  He has lifted my burdens on so many occasions when I have wanted to give up.  When Sheldon died, one of those special moments came.  I truly miss him, and visit his graveside often. I'm not sure why, I haven't visited anyone's grave as much as his but I feel a peace there. I will never forget him telling me I looked beautiful when I was bald.  Eric tells me I'm beautiful everyday, he is so kind in that way and I appreciate it so much, but the day Sheldon said those words to me, it meant something different.  He stood there pale faced and bald himself and yet for some reason those words penetrated my heart like no one else ever has. Maybe because I trusted he knew how I was feeling, not just using "words" to succor the needy.
Every bit of the worlds definition of physical beauty has been taken from me.  So yes, there is a price to pay for physical beauty, but for me what I have learned about pure unconditional love and beauty in His eyes is priceless.

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Just Dream-Just Breath

 

MONDAY, JUNE 2, 2014

Just Dream--Just Breathe

I'm uncovering some strength I've never felt before.  My fears are finally subsiding, and I'm allowing myself to feel vulnerable--Today, I boarded a flight at 5:25 am to face either a storm or tender mercy.

Yesterday, I pleaded with friends and family to join united in prayer and fast for some relief, some answers to come clearly and quickly.  The spirit has a way of sneaking in and penetrating my heart when I am not expecting it.  I could not help but have the peaceful feeling of our Heavenly Father watching over me and listening to every prayer. I know through Him I will be able to endure; I am strong. I would not be true to myself if I did anything but face this storm and still stand as it passes.  For the first time in 5 months, I am allowing myself to breathe and dream again.  I realize this is my journey, life, and story, and I am still writing.  I wish I could go to each person who prayed and prays for me daily--this is what I would say to you--HE LISTENS, AND HE ANSWERS PRAYERS--I LOVE YOU FOR JOINING IN OUR FAMILY PRAYERS.

 It's been so hard to stay strong. This is a feeling I have not felt in such a long time.  Even when I was diagnosed with the VILLAIN, I felt more in control than I do now.  So many times, I have tried to bury my fears, thinking if no one could see my vulnerability, I wouldn't have to feel it if I just ran from it. However, those shadows followed me to where I am now.

Today I've decided it's not about the race or how fast I can go; it's about finding out what's inside of me, who I can become--taking chances and staying strong. Tomorrow, I have a chance to see a great doctor; I'm taking this opportunity with the attitude, "I deserve this. I deserve to know if there are any other options for me" I'm not one to want to hurt feelings or make any of my doctors think they are anything but great for my prognosis.  However, a great physician friend recently told me. Also, he said, "You always say you want to live with NO REGRETS. Do you believe this will be a regret if you don't take it?" I knew the answer before he finished the sentence..." yes, I would regret it" "besides,  any doctor who is upset because you decide to get a 2nd opinion or 20th opinion does not deserve to be your doctor"  I'm not sure if I agree with that last portion, I have been so blessed to have the BEST team of doctors on my side, cheering for me all along the way.  I love my doctors at Mayo Clinic, but when one tells me that my face will not change. It will be this way for the rest of my life. I have a lot of years left in me. I must believe with all the modern technology, there must be a doctor out there who can help, that doctor may not be at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona or even at the Cleveland Clinic, but I know myself well enough to know if I don't take this chance, I will regret it.  It's time for me to start dreaming and breathing again. I feel this fire inside me that needs to be ignited---but I'm not sure how to get it fired up again--I believe this trip to Cleveland Clinic is a good decision--now on to the next step--Meeting 'Doctor Right.'

So, I am looking at tomorrow as a gift, and I will embrace it; I have no fear going into this appointment tomorrow. Every step I take and every storm I endure makes me stronger.  It's time for me to spread my wings and start flying--I know I was not sent to this earth to hide behind every corner, afraid to face my fears; I was meant to embrace the future and teach others how to do the same.  I trust my Heavenly Father's plan and know His arms are around me. He will give me the calm I need for tomorrow.  On the nights like this, when I am trying to sleep and can't, I turn it over to the Lord and ask Him to take this burden once more from my shoulders and allow me to sleep, allow me to rise in the morning, grateful to Him, and say "All I have is yours, all I have is because of your grace and tenderness you have shown me throughout my life"  Now, I will sleep, but not before I say a prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me in my lifetime, helping me to see the love and faith of friends and family.