Christmas 2025

Dear Frenchie 

I woke up this morning to the rain — sweet, welcome rain that finally cooled us down. It’s been much needed. This is the first Christmas I can remember with temperatures in the 70s, and honestly? I don’t like it. You would love it, though. The forecast promised a few days of rain; instead, we got maybe an hour. Still, the Red Mountains outside my back patio were breathtaking in the mist and drizzle.

I didn’t do much today. I watched a Lifetime Christmas movie. Thought about you all day. And cried a little. I miss you — especially on holidays.

I received a message from Blake that said:

“Merry Christmas, Mama, I love you.”

Simple words, but they wrapped around my heart all day.

Kayla called to check on me. She’s been sick, and so were the boys. Of course, I didn’t want her coming over ill, so I told her to rest and that we’d talk another time. Haleigh sent three pictures — one of you standing in the snow, one of you and me together in the snow, and one of Ellis and Sena opening gifts this morning.

In that moment, memories overtook me.

I remembered that ski trip … the one where you tried to teach me how to ski for the first time. Oh boy, that was a mistake. You could glide down the mountain like a pro — I loved watching you. But when it came to teaching me? Patience wasn’t on your radar. You wanted me to catch on quickly so we could ski together. I just remember how hard it was — the bruises on my body and my ego.

I ran off the path more times than I can count — into trees, off balance, falling. You’d yell, “Monya … turn in your knees … what don’t you understand?” Then you’d ski down to meet me, completely perplexed.

I’d cry, and you’d ski off, shaking your head.

I vowed then I would never let you coach me again on anything you could do far better than I. I finally retired to the lodge, drank hot chocolate, and — would you believe it — met Robert Redford and his wife.

When I think about that now, it makes me laugh. You have never been the most patient when it comes to teaching — remember trying to help the kids with math and getting so frustrated with their homework?

Later in the day, my Bishop invited me to his home for dinner. I knew the kids were busy and I wouldn’t be seeing them, so I texted him to say I would love to come.

But first, I went to your grave. I shed a few tears, placed flowers, and talked to you — quietly, like I always do. I’ve come to realize something: most of the frustrating memories I have with you are now the ones I wouldn’t trade for anything. They make me laugh. They make me shake my head. They remind me why we allow silly things to ever upset us in the first place.

At dinner, Bishop Evans and his wife, Katie, told me about the years they struggled to carry a baby. Katie’s mom and dad were there too. They’ve served five missions — two as Mission Presidents. Katie served in France when she was young, and she lit up when I told her you had served in Belgium.

They most recently served in the Philadelphia Spanish-speaking mission, and before that, in the Dominican Republic. I told them I would love to serve on a mission someday — that when I retire, I plan to do just that. They made me feel so comfortable and welcomed.

Overall, Christmas Day was memorable — not in the way I expected, but in a way that reminded me of love, loss, connection, and the strange beauty that comes with remembering. I came home last night hoping our children had a great day too.

I love you,
Monya

Christmas Eve 2025

 Hello Sweetheart,

My heart has been tender these past couple of days. Christmas will always be a reminder of the memories we shared. I remember you going out shopping every Christmas Eve with Mike Scow, convinced you two could find last-minute gifts for your wives. When I think of how magical you always made Christmas for our children, it tears me up.

Last night, I made cheeseballs for members I know in my new ward. I cranked up the Christmas music and rolled those balls with a smile — and lots of thoughts of you. I took one to my bishop, Jason Evans, along with a book I recently bought at Deseret Book called Direct Messages, a collection of social media posts from the General Authorities this year. Bishop Evans was happy for both the cheeseball and the book.

As I was walking away, he asked if there was significance to making the cheeseballs. I told him you, and I loved doing that for our VIP friends. Then he asked if I had plans for tonight or Christmas. Sadly, I told him I had no plans. Then he invited me to his home for Christmas dinner with his family. I told him I’d let him know, but I wasn’t sure.

Kaitlyn posted a beautiful tribute to you today, and it brought me to tears. She truly loves you and often feels you near. Blake called this morning and asked if he could bring Wes and Zeek over to play, and if I could drop them off at 1:00. Of course, I told him I would love to — so he and Chloe could get their last-minute wrapping done. I waited until 12:30… but he never came. And he didn’t answer his phone when I called. I’m sure he was just busy; he wanted to take Wes to get a gift for his mama. You would be proud of him — he is such a great dad and so kind.

Kayla will come over tomorrow with the boys. I’m excited to hear how their Christmas will go. Recker is getting so big, Ezra is in the choir at his school, and Teddy is such a sweet boy. I see them more than any of the grandchildren, and I know that would have made you very happy. Kayla and I have grown much closer. I’m amazed at her ability to handle what she is going through with Jeremy, but I wish they would move forward with the divorce. It seems inevitable, so I don’t know why they wait. As parents, we never really know everything — and I’m okay with that. I just want to see her happy again. We’ve often talked about how we thought you would have handled all this mess with Jeremy. I know you, and I would have been on the same page. I know you were disappointed in Jeremy, and this would have stirred you up even more. I just let her know I am here for her if she needs anything.

Haleigh and Scott are still not communicating with me. I miss them, and I haven’t seen our grandchildren for over a year. But I have learned these things can’t be rushed, and my door is always open to them. I still bought them gifts, and Blake delivered them.

I have felt you so strongly this week. Thank you for that — and I thank Heavenly Father for allowing it to happen. These tender mercies help me through the days when I long to be with you again, when my tears come easily from missing you so much.

I am going to bed tonight, so grateful for the memories you left me with. We have so many — and I think about them every day. They come at random times, when I am reminded by a beautiful sunset… or the rain that falls on the mountains behind my home.

I love you.
I’m hopeful that I will hear from the kids tomorrow… I know that is what you would want too.

Love,
Monya

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Christmas 2024

 

Frenchie,

You’ve been gone for ten months now. This is our first Christmas without you.

Last night, all I could think about was how many times I drove with you on Christmas Eve to get gift cards for the kids. You loved Christmas — it was always such a big part of our children’s lives. Now, looking back on all those years, I want to establish traditions that our children and grandchildren will remember long after I am gone to be with you. I’m not very good at traditions… well, at coming up with them — so I’ll have to ask around for help.

I woke up this morning and looked at your face on the pillow, whispering a quiet Merry Christmas. I took a shower and got ready for the day, but this year I didn’t put much effort into decorating. It didn’t seem right without you. Honestly… nothing seems right without you. I’m still trying to process the fact that you are gone — and the terribly tragic moment on that beach when I watched you leave me. The nightmares are still unbearable.

This Christmas was very quiet. None of the kids came over. I drove by Blake and Chloe’s home… and then by Kaitlyn and Brian’s. But I didn’t stay. It hurts to think that our grandchildren will not know you — the laughter you brought, the joy you added to this family, especially on Christmas Day. Thank you for all the years and Christmases we spent together; they truly were magical.

Dr. Lettieri called me today to check on me. I thought that was really sweet of him — a kindness I didn’t expect, but one that warmed my heart.

I found myself thinking about that Kathy Lee watch. I teased you so much when I opened it, knowing exactly where you bought it — Walmart, the night before Christmas — with Mike Scow by your side, hunting for anything that would make Jenny and me happy. I still have that watch, still in the box it came in. You swore up and down it wasn’t from Walmart, but we both knew the truth. We got so many laughs out of that moment, and you were always such a good sport when I teased you.

I keep thinking about Christmases past — and I cannot think of one that wasn’t full of fun and joy because Christmas meant so much to you. I remember our first Christmas after we were married. We had Kayla and Blake. They were so little, but you made sure Kayla felt extra special that day. Blake was only a few months old, so we knew he wouldn’t remember — and I’m sure Kayla doesn’t either — but you bought her a little doll, and she loved it.

I was alone most of the day, and I was okay with that… until it got dark. Because then I knew I would be walking up those stairs to bed alone. And now I’m sitting on our bed, looking at your pillow and wondering what you’re doing today, where you are, who you are with. I wish I knew exactly what happens after death… all I know for sure is that I will see you again. The covenants we made in the Temple — the promises we made to each other — will make every moment of this loneliness worth it. Eternity with you sounds perfect.

I love you so much.

Merry Christmas, Babe.
Love,
Monya

Disney On Ice

     Chloe and Blake gave me tickets for Christmas to take Weslie to Disney on Ice for my birthday. Weslie and I talked the entire way to the stadium and were very excited about the show. We arrived early and were able to get a really great parking spot. We found where we were supposed to sit, then went out to the vendors for yummy food, drinks, and, of course, to buy a souvenir for Weslie. She is so sweet and asked if we could get something for Zeek. I already had that idea in mind, but when Weslie said, "I would rather get something for Zeek if you don't have enough money." My heart ... oh my heart!! I love this little girl. She is so polite and kind, and she is only seven years old, far older in maturity than seven years old. I also noticed she saved half of everything we ordered for treats and saved them for Zeek. He had popcorn, half a churro, half of her cotton candy, and a souvenir.

    I loved watching Weslie as the Characters came onto the ice; she was so wide-eyed and excited that it warmed my heart. She sang along to the music and announced the characters' names as they entered the ice. Weslie is so sweet. I loved every second with her.

                                            

I Love This Time of Year

 Last year, I wanted to know if Frenchie would make it through one more night. He did, and he has worked so hard this year on getting healthy that he's lost over 100 pounds. He loves to walk, and we both eat clean. I, too, have lost some weight. 

Today, I invited the grandchildren over who could come, which ended up being Weslie and Zeek. We decorated gingerbread houses, played outside, and then played some games inside. I don't know how I got so blessed, but these little ones always teach me something. Today, Weslie and her dad worked on her gingerbread house, and little Zeek decided that it was no fun, so he headed to the toy room for some trucks and balls.

I missed having my other grandchildren here who couldn't make it. Haleigh and Scott, with little Senabun and Ellis, couldn't be here, but I really missed them. Ellis is just so cute, and little Sena reminds me of Haleigh when she was three years old. Damn, that feels like yesterday. I can't believe how fast time goes by. Haleigh is thirty years old, almost thirty-one. Will I be around when Sena is thirty-one?

Christmas is always better with children around. Eric is in Mexico. He's been there for a week, and I miss him. The Lukeville border is closed due to too many migrants entering the country. The border patrol, which is normally at Lukeville, will be dispersed to other areas. So, no going in and no coming out.

He is on his way home and called me from the San Luis border this morning. I'm looking forward to snuggling on the sofa and watching a Christmas movie. The weather is beautiful in Arizona right now, and I will enjoy it while we have it.

The holidays are my favorite time of year. The family gathers together to talk about what we are more grateful for. We enjoy the music, movies, treats, and each other during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I always miss my children who can't be here with us, but I understand it's a busy time, and they have other family to be with.

Cute little Weslie 7 years old

Weslie

Blake and Weslie

Myself, Zeek three years old and Blake

My Favorite Things

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2014

My Favorite Things

All week I've been thinking about how hard it is to describe FAVORITES ... weird thought I know.

Favorites for me have sometimes come and gone in a flash.  Depending on my age, the people in my life at the time, and the circumstances for which they become my favorites.

When I was a little girl, I watched The Wizard of Oz every year when it came on TV.  I thought Judy Garland was beautiful even in black and white. I will never forget seeing the movie for the first time in color--it was so vibrant and alive--I loved it--I despised the monkeys, they scared me.  My favorite part of the movie was when she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where your troubles melt like lemon drops

way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

If Happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

The first time I heard this song, I loved the melody, but the first time I listened to the lyrics I became obsessed.  It was difficult to imagine daring to dream of a happy place, or that dreams can come true. Since those days, I have always been in awe of Rainbows. When Haleigh and I saw a double rainbow in Hawaii just a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer, it later became a 

Christmas 2013

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2013

The Lord Loves Me

Tuesday, December 24--

This week I got a phone call from my sister Sonya, her son and his wife Katie are having a baby in a couple of months. Sonya was so excited because she had all boys, and now finally, they had their baby girl in the family; her phone call was to let me know Katie had gone to her regular appointment and there was no heartbeat, and the baby had died. It was heartbreaking, and Jimmie was in California. She was induced to give birth to Dannie Jo, named after Katie's dad; she was 12" long and weighed 1.3 pounds. Yesterday we attended her graveside; nothing has touched me like this, seeing Jimmie carry this tiny little casket to the burial area. Then he and Katie stood and talked about their love for Dannie Jo and the plan of salvation. I was impressed with their knowledge of the method of salvation. There is no doubt in my mind or theirs that they will hold and love and hug and kiss Dannie Jo again someday. She is a good reason for us all to live like Christ did so we can be with her again --

Also, in the Williams family, Blake was admitted to Banner Gateway early this morning; he has been to the ER a couple of times this week and has been sent home with no answers. He has incredible pain in his stomach, throwing up, diarrhea, and complete frustration, not knowing what the problem is. They took several cultures, and we still have no answers. He was discharged from the hospital with antibiotics, pain meds, and a referral to a gastro Doctor. Also, last night our little Recker was in the ER, I don't understand much about his diagnosis (Autism), but he has breathing problems. When he gets a cold, it is intensified. Last night he was gasping for breath, so Kayla took him to the ER at Phoenix Children's Hospital. He is home and doing well; he was given some breathing treatments.

After spending time at the hospital today, when I got home, the right side of my face was very swollen, Sonya had said something about it yesterday, but I didn't notice anything except that I cannot eat much as my jaw hurts when I open my mouth, so soup has been about all I can eat. Last night when I washed my face, I could see the swollen areas Sonya was talking about, and it felt different on that side when I put on the face lotion. Tonight, I had Sonya and Greg come over and look at the inside of my ear with a flashlight, Eric was gone, and I could not see inside my ear; I always put two pieces of cotton in my ear like the Doctor showed me how to do, but I could not find the other one. Greg did the looking, and Sonya held the flashlight--not a fun sight to see, I'm sure; I asked Greg to take a picture so I could see what it looked like.

Sonya had some tears in her eyes, but I know she has had so much going on that this was not what she was worried about. The pain is still unmanageable, and I am so concerned about getting germs, but honestly, I do not feel great and have not left my home other than Eric taking me for a ride, and that was not what I had expected. Tomorrow is Christmas, and Eric and I both looked at each other and said we do not feel the Christmas spirit we usually do. Let's hope 2014 will be an uplifting and learning year without surgery or pain.

Christmas Day 2013

I woke up this morning to my sweet Ezra in my face, smiling big. Oh, I love my grandchildren. They certainly can turn a frown into a smile. Neither Ez nor Recker understood or knew what Christmas was. We enjoyed giving them some little things and spending time with Kayla and Jeremy, but the second Ezra got tired, I took the opportunity to feed him his bottle in my bed and take a nap next to him. We slept for a while until Blake, Chloe, Scott, and Haleigh showed up; Kaitlyn and Brian are in Utah, so we will celebrate with them when they get home from spending time with the Wrights. I must enjoy my time with Ezra when Kaitlyn is gone because she really does like to hug him...he loves her and lights up when she comes into the room.

While I write this post, it is midnight, and I am sewing, blogging, and watching The Sound of Music--my favorite movie.

--Eric is fast asleep. He tried his hardest to get someone to go to see a movie tonight, but no luck. I'm glad he has such a great relationship with his son-in-laws and Blake. I looked at him tonight before he went to sleep and said, "You know how much I love you?" He smiled and said, "not more than I love you," and that was music to my ears; I suppose there was no better way to go to sleep at night. Tomorrow I will see the surgeon for a 2nd opinion, but I told Sonya yesterday I don't consider it "giving up," but I really am done with all the cancer stuff; it is no way to live, and my quality of life may not be the same as what others may think they would want. So, let's pray tonight that the news will be good tomorrow. Tonight, I have a lot to be grateful for another Christmas I have been given to spend with my family. The Lord loves me.

Beautiful Boy, Perfect Love

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2013

Beautiful Boy, Perfect Love

I simply adore this little boy. Recker is such a unique, special boy. Sometimes I wonder what is going through his beautiful little head. I watched him play with some of the children in his neighborhood yesterday from a distance. He was off alone in the corner by himself, then at one point, he heard one of the little girls talking to another little boy, Recker walked up and took the girl by the hand as if trying to get her to follow him, and she (like most children would do at her age) walked away from him. For just a slight moment, I could see this sadness on his face. He is starting to understand his limitations and what he cannot do. Soon, he will realize what he CAN do. We try to emphasize the CAN'S because there is a lot more he CAN do than he or we even realize.

  I want so desperately for the family to hear him just say something. Mom or dad would be preferable. He has now begun to wave goodbye to us. Once in a while, we can even get a little sound that we think is "bye-bye." When Blake counts ... one...two...three...jump ...we can usually hear him say when Blake gets to the two, Recker will say "twooey" it's so cute, we all jump for joy and have him do it over and over until he is fed up with it all, shakes his no. Off he goes to a new adventure much cooler than us.

He loves his daddy !!

Precious baby boy born 12-14-2009

Really? another picture? I'm barely awake.

I'm never getting out of the tub

bright eyes

just cuteness

fresh out of the tub

On 1st day of pre-school

helping bonbon get through a tough day

team bonbon--my biggest supporter

loves the OCEAN, OH AND OTTER POPS

YALE

uncle blake gets home from his mission

being an outside boy

Christmas 2012

  This little boy's heart is bursting with LOVE to be shared--Although he keeps it bundled up and sealed for special people in his life--I know he loves and feels Love. Recker has helped me understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of His children. We may not always understand THE PLAN, but if we let the process happen and listen for the spirit to teach us, we can hear the Love, especially the beautiful Love this boy has to offer.

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It's a Wonderful Life

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2012

It's a wonderful life

Unbelievably I have never seen the movie "It's a wonderful life" my sister Sonya has always watched it every year and encouraged me to do the same, but until this year I never took her up on that challenge. We went to the Cinemark movie theater in Tempe as a family to watch it on the big screen. WOW, what a fantastic old movie. Even in black and white, I was mesmerized by the story and genuinely enjoyed it.

Sometimes, we all get down on ourselves and forget to recognize the good we do. Even trivial things can change a life. I have often thought, "What if, and should I have done this differently, or why did I do that?" I have not always believed that people come into our lives for a reason or that some of the trials or even joys we have in our lives are meant to be. They just happen. I no longer believe this to be true. Of course, we have the agency to choose good or bad choices, but they always come with a consequence. Agency is never FREE.  I have a feeling if any of us were to be in the same position as George (It's a wonderful Life) and allowed to see what the world would have been like if we were never born, we would all be surprised at the things we do daily that has changed someone's life. Not only to our families and ourselves but to the everyday person we pass on the street or see in the store.  A smile or a simple "hello, can I help you" would and could change a life.

On Christmas Eve, we had all of our children and their families over for dinner. The only instructions I gave them were to be prepared to share a story of Christmas or one of their most memorable Christmas. I opened by reading "The Christmas Train" by Thomas S. Monson. Then I shared a few of my favorite Christmas memories, one being remembered as a child.  My mother gave me a white Holy Bible with my name inscribed on the front. I thought I was never going to stop smiling. I still have that Bible. Another story I told was about when Eric and I were dating. His mom bought me a gift, but miss placed it. She searched and searched and felt so badly thinking she had thrown it out with the garbage by accident.  I never cared about that gift, but I did care about that fact that I knew she loved me, she always showed me love and genuine compassion, to me that alone was worth more than anything she could of bought from a store.  The last story I told was when Blake was on his mission, that very 1st Christmas, I was going through my chemo treatments, oh how I missed him and honestly was not feeling well, not knowing if I would ever see him again made my heart hurt, but hearing his voice on Christmas day I think was the best Christmas gift I have ever been given.

Haleigh, my youngest daughter just got engaged a few days before Christmas to Scott Bigalow.  He told a story about his father dying when he was only 8 years old, before that time his dad was always the one who provided the mountain bikes and fun gifts for the boys, but the year he died was Christmas he said he would never forget.  They had no money and I'm sure his mom was  worried about how she would pay for food and utilities, in other words Christmas gifts were probably not on the top of the list of things to do.  One night his family was home and they heard noises outside, they all ran to see what was going on, it was Brad Wardrop hanging Christmas lights on their home.  He was a neighbor and close friend of the family. As tears ran down Scott's face I wondered if Brad even knew what an impact he had made on this kid.

Blake told stories from his mission, tears filled his eyes when he talked about those two Christmas's away from his home, but one, in particular, that really left a lasting impression on him. He said it was a Christmas he will never forget, the best Christmas he has ever had and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the gifts he received , in particular,but more about the service he was able to give.

My son-in-law Bria rarely cries in 4 years, Kaitlyn said she has only cried once when his grandmother passed away.  I was impressed with his ability to see past all of the "fun" in Christmas. The 1st words out of his mouth were, "my heart hurts tonight for all of the mothers and fathers who will have a hard time going to sleep not knowing how they will provide a memorable Christmas for their children" I immediately put a blanket over my face as not to look at him while he cried. He could hardly speak, and I was weeping underneath my blanket. Quietly saying a prayer, one for all those families, and two telling Heavenly Father thank you for my family, we are truly blessed. I am blessed to have such a wonderful son in laws and a beautiful daughter-in-law who also lost her mother in December of 2009.

They all shared stories and thoughts, by the end of the night there were no dry eyes, we made a family goal for 2013, we said a family prayer, and ate cheesecake.

I truly do have a wonderful life.

Christmas 2011

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2011

Christmas 2011

Is there anything better than children at Christmas? I have so enjoyed Recker this year. He has the cutest personality and a smile that will warm any heart. Recker has picked at our Christmas tree and decorations until they look scarce in some spots, and I love it. He brings a special spirit into our home.

Sometimes I wish I could just jump inside his little brain and see what he is thinking. Autism, though sad in many ways, can also be remarkably interesting. I've noticed that Recker is trying so hard to communicate with us; he knows a couple of words in sign. Kayla and Jeremy have taken him off gluten and dairy, which affects his moods and behavior. In my kitchen, I have a candy jar with gluten-free suckers. We often walk into the kitchen to find him staring up at the pot, signing the word "PLEASE" how cute he is. He loves to watch Disney movies, and sometimes Recker will start laughing so hard we can't help but repeatedly rewind to capture those moments. If there was only one wish I could have for this new year, it would be to hear my darling grandson talk, just say, mom or dad. Those are easy, right? I love to watch him as he plays alone. He babbles in a language only he understands. Recently I was playing with him in my bedroom and needed to go downstairs for something as soon as I walked out of the room, he ran after me and grabbed my hand a then brought me back into the bedroom, my eyes filled with tears, he is trying so hard to communicate.

Recker loves cardboard boxes and loves to play in them and on them. I bought him a cardboard castle, Haleigh Brownlee and I painted and decorated it (mostly Haleigh, she is the talented artist) Recker loved it; we also bought him a little motorcycle. He had a BIG smile on his face as it raced across the wood floors in my home. This has been a wonderful Christmas season with our family.

Christmas 2010

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2010

Christmas 2010

Breakfast, Puff Pancakes with Buttermilk Syrup

Christmas Tree, Gifts, and waiting to get the phone call from Blake

Tradition-Filibertos for Dinner

We are all about easy food on Christmas.

What a wonderful Christmas, we were able to speak to Blake; he is so happy and sounds so mature and spiritually immersed in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I have to admit it was so hard for me to hang up and say goodbye. I got teary-eyed, listening to my son softly whisper how much he loves me. (mama) 

He expressed his knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Blake told me the Lord has been watching over me this past year, and all the missionaries have prayed for me daily.

 

He said, "He is the only way, and I know He lives, mom."  Now, as I sit alone pondering the things Blake shared with me today, my eyes are red and watering. It will be another year and a half before I get his big hugs. Blake has struggled with his knowledge of the Gospel and if the Lord is real. Hearing him talk about Christ and bearing his testimony so quickly made me so happy.

Finding my way through this test of faith, sometimes I have felt like my faith is not quite enough. Maybe the Lord is still waiting on me to prove something to him. I have failed so many times, and when I have reached the edge of darkness, days like today come along, and I realize that he magnifies what I can't always give. 

I, too, know He Lives. Too many times, He has reached down and lifted me up, He is my hope, and with every step and breath I take, I KNOW HE LIVES. I can never deny that He is my strength, and He anchors me down on days when I think I could fly away.

The Lord has a purpose for each one of His children. I am beginning to understand mine; it's quite a responsibility once revealed through His Spirit. Once you know, then time to listen with your heart and live it, no looking back. There will always be fears, but I've learned that you must let them go; just hold on to the burning desire you have to learn from your journey. He will let your faith grow. He will help you search your soul and give you the strength you need.

Dr. Paul Magtibay Phone Call

 

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2010

Dr. Paul Magtibay Phone Call

Anticipating a phone call from Dr. Paul Magtibay's office today, I woke up with anxiety and decided I would not wait and just call them myself. His nurse said, "Oh, Dr. Magtibay just asked me to call you; he wants to see you on December 28"  DEC 28th? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (That's not what I said, it's just what I thought.)  She said he was in surgery all day and is leaving for a week-long vacation but wants to see me as soon as possible when he gets back. We scheduled it, and when I hung up, I asked Eric, "that's good, right?" We both decided we don't want to think about the VILLAIN.  I was so sick at Christmas, and we are looking forward to Family, Friends, Food, and FUN .... how's that for getting all those.

"F words in?"  Kaitlyn and Brian are moving here from Utah on Monday... can you see my smile? It's enormous; I'm so happy that all my children will be HOME next Christmas, now that is something to look forward to.

POSTED BY Bonbon AT 9:16 PM 

I Need Your Prayers!

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2010

I need Your Prayers !!

Went to see Dr. Magtibay a few days before my surgery with Dr. Kremerman. First off I really, like him, he is soft-spoken and compassionate. He wanted to do a biopsy of my Uterus, I agreed and this is how it went:

Stirrups - yay

Relax- impossible

Insertion of the needle - Yikes

"You may feel some pain" ----- wholly cow did I

Throw Up-

Fainting-

He had to quit the exam because I was in too much pain, my cervix is scarred shut from all of the other surgeries I have had. He was so sweet, got me a bottle of water, and sat and talked to me for a bit.   There is a possibility I have Uterine Cancer, and because they cannot do the biopsy I will have an ultrasound next week, he wants to look at my ovaries too, then,  he and I will meet again for my options.  I have known from the beginning that the risk of me getting Uterine Cancer is very high, however, I was willing to take the chance it would not invade my life once again.  My doctors have been honest with me, and have explained that I am not cancer-free, I realize this, and still, there is a calm and peaceful feeling I have. I can still say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life right now.

That night I decided to go to the church for the Woman's Christmas Celebration- (RS) I was so overwhelmed when I walked in, my mind was flooded with memories of last year... I went to the Christmas Celebration for the 1st time being seen with no hair, I still remember the scarf I wore and feelings of vulnerability. Now,  I have a little bit of my hair back, but  some of the feelings are the same,  vulnerability  is soon  replaced with the feelings of Love that I know those ladies all have for me, and I for them.  It's amazing how much you can change your perspective and recognize good hearted people when you are being served, and when you have the opportunity to serve others.  "We are the hands of Heaven on Earth." It is our responsibility to serve and comfort others, I so need to be better at that.

I really need to look up for some comfort, please pray for me.  I have a lot of faith not only in my doctors but in the Lord, he is trying to teach me something, my spirit sometimes fades, but my ears are listening for answers to prayers.  The Lord is Good and continues to bless us with his love.