It's 2:21 am, and I cannot sleep. Last night my legs were in so much pain it was penetrating all the way to my bones; I could not keep my legs still. Eric asked me what was wrong, and I told him my legs had not ached like this since chemo, and the headaches were back. Still, I'm grateful that the horrible pain I have been feeling in my breasts for over a year is now gone, and this takes the thoughts of wanting to rip my bra off away...haha I almost forgot I had one on.
I hate nights like this; my mind gets occupied with thoughts of recurrence, I know I'm strong, but if I was told that the evil VILLAIN has come back, I'm not sure I have it in me to fight again. My thoughts are going to my younger years as a teenager, when I constantly had a prayer in my heart, when I promised the Lord that if he got me out of this situation of abuse and neglect, I would be good, I would obey the rules and give my all to HIM. I knew without a doubt the eyes of God were watching over me. This morning I want to return to that place I once knew; I don't want to be in the dark; my mind is playing games with me; I wonder if I have done all I can to be a good servant, have I kept my promises? I go into Blakes's room and sit on his bed, hoping for some inspiration; maybe I will put on one of his shirts; I take one out of the closet and smell it hoping to get a whiff of him, but there is nothing, it's been too long now. I put on the shirt, kneel down next to his bed, and thank Heavenly Father for my family, my life, and what he has taught me, then ask what I am supposed to be learning right now? I ask what else I can do to become a little more like Him. Have I blown all my chances to redeem myself? I plead with the Lord to help me feel his spirit; tonight, my heart is burdened, and I need to know He is here. I just want to see that He is still aware of me and remembers me. Help me to know His will for me. Then I listen ... I listen for a very long time... the answers come, Be Still My Soul The Lord Is On Your Side peace is in my soul now, I know HE has not forgotten me and that He is aware of my needs and my prayers are not going unheard. I know He lives. He lives in each of us and wants to lift burdens, grief, and pain. When the waves and winds of life come, He will not leave us alone; I know this to be true, but sometimes we have to ask and, most importantly, wait and listen for the answers to come. I love that even a restless soul like myself can find some relief in the dark of night or the light of the day, JUST ASK. I'm so grateful this morning for the knowledge of prayer in my life. It's now 4:51 am; maybe I can get some sleep.... cross your fingers.
