Father's Day 2026

 

Dear Frenchie,

Well, hello again—and Happy Father’s Day to you.

Later today, I will drive out and place flowers at your gravesite. I’m not sure why I go there as often as I do. I think I find peace in knowing your body rests there, even though I understand that your spirit has moved on.

Eric, you were the best of the best fathers. I am so grateful I had the privilege of raising our children with you. They are good, happy, and genuinely kind people. Isn’t that what success really looks like?

Most of the time, you and I disagreed about the consequences they should face for misbehaving. You wanted them to pull weeds in the backyard or clean out a room or closet that you probably needed to clean yourself. The weed-pulling punishment was especially difficult for me because Gary used to make us do the same thing. It was a real trigger, and I hated that rule. I probably raised my voice more than I should have.

Actually, there is no “probably” about it. I did.

I wish we could take back some of those moments, but I also believe they helped me understand both of us a little better now that you are gone. I have never liked the saying, “We did the best we could,” but in many ways, it is true. We made mistakes—some we would give anything to undo—but we also apologized, learned, and tried to do better.

Parenting without you has been sad and difficult. Since moving, I don’t see or talk to the kids and grandchildren as often as I might have if I had stayed in our Gilbert home. I miss that part of my life so much.

At the same time, moving has forced me to create a life with some balance. I have made new friends and found walking buddies in the neighborhood, including people you once sold homes to. I even started a Bunco group in the ward, and there is always a waiting list. They love it—and so do I. I also join the widows in my ward on Thursday nights to play cards. They are a hoot; of course, I am the youngest amongst them, but man, do they love to share life experiences I love. laugh and learn from.

Learning who I am without always being known as “Eric’s wife” or “Kayla, Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh’s mom” has helped me discover more of myself. Don’t get me wrong—I still treasure those titles. They are among the greatest honors of my life.

But as I continue moving forward, I am also Monya Williams.

I am a woman trying to become a better person. I am learning to laugh at myself, to worry less about my facial paralysis, and to live fully even without the smile I once had. I am releasing the shame I carried about my mothering. I am grateful that the Lord entrusted these four amazing children to our family.

I will no longer allow thoughts of failure and unworthiness to take up space in my mind, and I will never place those thoughts upon our children. They are adults now, making their own choices and living their own lives. I love them exactly as they are.

You would too.

Happy Father’s Day, Babe.

I love you so much.

Cathie Beecroft & Erika Garner

 

Dear Frenchie,

Today was the memorial for Cathie Beecroft, and on Tuesday I will attend the funeral of Erika Garner.

Cathie had been dealing with health problems for the past year and a half. Last month, she suffered a brain aneurysm. The doctors told Charlie and the kids that recovery would be extremely difficult and that, even if she survived, she would likely be unable to speak or have any real quality of life. She would need around-the-clock care.

Charlie and the kids were forced to make an unimaginably difficult decision, and they chose to let Cathie go peacefully—to move on to Heaven and begin her new life.

Curtis said he didn’t want to have a traditional funeral where everyone stood up and said only nice things about his mom when everyone knew Cathie was a tough cookie who could sometimes be a little difficult. I laughed because you and I both know exactly what he meant. But honestly, that was part of what we all loved about her.

So instead of a funeral, it felt more like a huge Sixth Ward reunion, which was probably exactly how Cathie would have wanted it. I was so happy to see how many people came.

It felt strange to be back in the cultural hall where you and I spent so many years. That room holds countless memories with some of the best people I have ever known. Being there brought so much of our life together rushing back to me.

Charlie told me how much he loved you. He said he is now going through what I went through two years ago. I tried to comfort him, but I know there are no words that can bring peace when the person you love is suddenly gone. Sometimes, all we can do is sit beside someone and let them know they are not alone.

Tomorrow, I will attend Erika Garner’s funeral. She lived in Las Sendas and was in Utah for a family reunion when she suddenly collapsed while playing pickleball. They believe she may have had a heart attack, but the family is still waiting for the coroner’s report.

Four of our dear friends have left us this week. They are gone from this life, but they will never be forgotten.

I love you, Babe, and I miss you so much.

Happy Birthday

 

Happy Birthday, My Love

Today is your birthday.

I am in Mexico with some friends from my ward. It has been a while since I have been here, and being back has stirred up more memories than I expected.

We rented a car from Hertz. I didn’t feel comfortable taking my new car because it still has temporary plates. Maybe that sounds a little crazy, but one of my friends is a little nervous about being in Mexico. Obviously not nervous enough not to come, but nervous enough. Her husband, Chris, is a DEA agent and never really wanted her to come down here. It reminds me a little of Kevin Bennett being a police officer. I suppose people in those kinds of jobs know much more about what “really” happens than the rest of us do. As for me, I think there is some peace in not knowing everything. Sometimes ignorance really can feel like a blessing.

The weather has been beautiful. The sunrises and sunsets are absolutely gorgeous. There is something about the sky here that feels different to me. Softer. Warmer. More peaceful.

When I drove up to the security gate, they remembered me. They asked how I was doing and welcomed me with big smiles. The HOA office remembered me too, and they talked about Blake’s and Brian’s families. It touched me more than I expected.

Walking into the condo brought back so many memories of you. I had no idea how many little things would take me right back to the two of us being here together—the walks, the talks, the vendors, the security guards, the familiar streets, the places we loved. Everywhere I turned, there you were.

Of course, I ran and got fruit bowls for one of my friends. She loved hers so much, and it made me smile because I knew you would have loved that.

We shopped at the Malecón and had lunch at Poncho’s. He gave me a big hug and welcomed us like no time had passed. I took my friends to all your favorite places to eat, and we loved every one.

There is such a peaceful feeling I have here. The sunrises and sunsets mean so much more to me in this place. I can almost feel you smiling down on me with your twinkling eyes. And, of course, the mangos were ripe and delicious.

Estifano’s wife was so kind. She asked me about Kaitlyn and her family. I thought that was so sweet of her, and it reminded me again how many pieces of our life are still here, tucked into this place and these people.

Happy birthday, my love.

I appreciate you and love you more and more every day.

Love,
Monya

Christmas 2025

Dear Frenchie 

I woke up this morning to the rain — sweet, welcome rain that finally cooled us down. It’s been much needed. This is the first Christmas I can remember with temperatures in the 70s, and honestly? I don’t like it. You would love it, though. The forecast promised a few days of rain; instead, we got maybe an hour. Still, the Red Mountains outside my back patio were breathtaking in the mist and drizzle.

I didn’t do much today. I watched a Lifetime Christmas movie. Thought about you all day. And cried a little. I miss you — especially on holidays.

I received a message from Blake that said:

“Merry Christmas, Mama, I love you.”

Simple words, but they wrapped around my heart all day.

Kayla called to check on me. She’s been sick, and so were the boys. Of course, I didn’t want her coming over ill, so I told her to rest and that we’d talk another time. Haleigh sent three pictures — one of you standing in the snow, one of you and me together in the snow, and one of Ellis and Sena opening gifts this morning.

In that moment, memories overtook me.

I remembered that ski trip … the one where you tried to teach me how to ski for the first time. Oh boy, that was a mistake. You could glide down the mountain like a pro — I loved watching you. But when it came to teaching me? Patience wasn’t on your radar. You wanted me to catch on quickly so we could ski together. I just remember how hard it was — the bruises on my body and my ego.

I ran off the path more times than I can count — into trees, off balance, falling. You’d yell, “Monya … turn in your knees … what don’t you understand?” Then you’d ski down to meet me, completely perplexed.

I’d cry, and you’d ski off, shaking your head.

I vowed then I would never let you coach me again on anything you could do far better than I. I finally retired to the lodge, drank hot chocolate, and — would you believe it — met Robert Redford and his wife.

When I think about that now, it makes me laugh. You have never been the most patient when it comes to teaching — remember trying to help the kids with math and getting so frustrated with their homework?

Later in the day, my Bishop invited me to his home for dinner. I knew the kids were busy and I wouldn’t be seeing them, so I texted him to say I would love to come.

But first, I went to your grave. I shed a few tears, placed flowers, and talked to you — quietly, like I always do. I’ve come to realize something: most of the frustrating memories I have with you are now the ones I wouldn’t trade for anything. They make me laugh. They make me shake my head. They remind me why we allow silly things to ever upset us in the first place.

At dinner, Bishop Evans and his wife, Katie, told me about the years they struggled to carry a baby. Katie’s mom and dad were there too. They’ve served five missions — two as Mission Presidents. Katie served in France when she was young, and she lit up when I told her you had served in Belgium.

They most recently served in the Philadelphia Spanish-speaking mission, and before that, in the Dominican Republic. I told them I would love to serve on a mission someday — that when I retire, I plan to do just that. They made me feel so comfortable and welcomed.

Overall, Christmas Day was memorable — not in the way I expected, but in a way that reminded me of love, loss, connection, and the strange beauty that comes with remembering. I came home last night hoping our children had a great day too.

I love you,
Monya

Taxes

 Frenchie, I started gathering all I needed to for our 2023 taxes. I'm sorry, but I never appreciated your hard work, not only for our family but also for filing our taxes. You were right, it SUCKS.

I'm not sure if I'm doing everything right, but the folks at Alt Key have been great about helping me. I am happy to say, tomorrow I will be turning all the tax information over to them.

I will be driving to Carlsbad again on Saturday with Josh and Dulce. We will meet Jori and Dwight at their condo, and then Dwight will drive Josh's car home. Believe it or not, he did not want to go to Disneyland with us. I know that was not your favorite place to go, and it is not the happiest place on earth. Jori wants to go to Sea World again. Eric, you, and I went there in January with them, and I do not want to go but have a hard time saying no to Jori. 

I went to Kara's today. Her daughter Graci is now helping with my hair extensions. The other lady was too out there for me. The last time I went in, she said, "So, you're single, right?" I answered NO. Then she said, "Didn't you recently lose your husband?" I said, "Well, I didn't lose him; he left to be in his next life." She looked at me like I was an idiot. Then said, "You know what I mean. You don't have a husband you are living with, so you are not having sex, right?" Then I told her it was really none of her business. She proceeded to ask if I was Mormon, I told her "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" She said, "Well, I have a client who came the other day; she is a divorced Mormon and thinks it's ok to masturbate; can you believe that?"

I had no idea what to say. I just looked at her like she was an alien, which I think she is. Then she said, "The Church is against masturbation. Didn't a bishop ever ask you how many times you did that a week when you were growing up?" I said, "No, I have never been asked that question ..." When I was trying to finish my sentence, she interrupted me and said, "Well, I did, and I was told never to do that and that it's unpure. This lady has been divorced for a while, and she said she masturbates... OMG, so against the church. No matter what your age or marital status. PERIOD." Then she proceeded to ask my take on using a vibrator; I told her I believed everything she was talking about had more to do with the person's personal relationship with God than it does with 'the church.' I have never been asked such questions before. I no longer wanted to participate in this discussion and tuned her out. 

Grace is getting married in December; I can't wait to attend her reception. It should be beautiful. When Kara started cutting my hair 30 years ago, Graci wasn't born. I remember how excited Kara was to be pregnant with a girl, and I told Graci that today. I wished someone could tell our daughters and Blake how I felt about being pregnant with each of them. I loved being pregnant. I never got sick and didn't gain too much weight. With Kayla and Blake, I lost weight, remember? You know that seems like yesterday?

I had lunch with Linda Bennett on Monday. Her oldest son, Kevin, named after his dad, lives less than a mile from us. Geez, I remember when he was born, also. How does time go so quickly?

I need to get to bed, Kaitlyn is coming over tomorrow, and I am excited to see her, so I need to get to bed.

I miss you and love you so much.

Monya

Vito Dies

 Frenchie, maybe you know I'm not sure, but Vito passed away on Sept 16, 2024. I will be going to his funeral tomorrow.

I'm so glad I could visit him and JoAnne a month ago. I was looking forward to living down the street from them. I haven't spoken to JoAnne, but I think she was getting prepared for him leaving. He fell on his electric scooter a month ago, which is why I went to visit them.

JoAnne told Terry, JoAnne said, "How could we lose Eric and Vito in the same year?" I am so sad for her. I think I am more sensitive about death now. I understand how she feels. I miss you so much, sometimes I still can't believe you are gone. 

I just finished reading the Book of Mormon. I don't know who could read it and not feel its truthfulness. My testimony and faith have been tested this year, but I know that when I pray, I always feel close to Heavenly Father. 

I'm so glad I have the gospel in my life. I have never needed it more than I do now. I am worried about moving into the new house and going to a new ward. Eric, we have been in this ward for over 30 years. I always thought we would never move because we loved our ward so much, but when it was split, everything changed. It's just not the same. The people in the 6th ward that we know and love have told me they feel the same about their new ward. I have been truly blessed by the prayers of many people in these wards. I will always be grateful for our connections here, but moving is the right thing to do, even if I am as scared as I am. 

See You Soon

Monya

Carlsbad

 Frenchie, I visited Carlsbad, California, with Jori and her sister Jill. Dwight and Jeff showed up on Thursday.

I had a long conversation with Dwight while we were there. I wanted to talk to him in private about the reason for your death. I needed to approach this conversation carefully because I didn't want him to feel like I did when the kids told me. I know how much Dwight loves you, and he tears up when he talks about you. 

Our conversation went about as well as the conversation went with the kids. I begged him to please read the report and that I was sure he would agree about the drowning. Then he got really sad and said he had been thinking about it since Blake called him. He started to cry and told me about the day C.J. died and how guilty he felt. He walked me through the entire day, and I began to cry, too. I can't imagine losing one of my children or grandchildren. He shared a very intimate experience and told me he hadn't talked about or told anyone about it until that day. I appreciated him sharing it and knew it must have been hard. 

He shared it with me for a reason. I asked him if this was why he could not or would not read the police report. He stared at me and said, "I saw Eric wave at me Monya. I will never say that didn't happen." I told him I believed him. He doesn't want to know the truth about what happened that day. I understand the initial shock; I felt like that, too. I am so grateful Kaitlyn asked for those reports. It's been hard to relive it repeatedly, but knowing the truth will eventually be the best for me. I just have to get past learning how you died. So, unless Jori and Dwight ask me for the report, I won't discuss it again. 

Love You

Monya

I Bought a House

Frenchie, have you been listening to me? I needed your opinion on moving, one of the things I miss the most about you is our sincere talks. I know you better than anyone on Earth, and I know you stood before your Heavenly Father with great pride. 

So I wanted to talk to you tonight; I need to decide about moving. I met the children at Reserve at Red Rock so they could see my interest in the home. Surprisingly, they all loved that I was considering moving to where you sold homes. Terry walked me through several specs. I thought I was set on one until I was told the house would be done in October. I am not emotionally ready to do that yet. Would you be if I was gone? You

would have stayed in this house, even if it's because you would never want to clean it out. Today, when I was at Red Rock, I told Terry I could not move that quickly, and he said he understood. He really has been so kind to check up on me. I saw the lot you saved for the lady whose husband passed away. He was a pastor, and they lived on a ranch, but she could not sell her house. I asked Terry about the lot and if I could build something new. He asked Jeff, and he approved it. Today, I wrote a check for $100,000, which was weird. I've always had to make decisions like this with you. I can't count how many times I asked Terry, "What would Eric do?" 

I bought a house, WHAT? I love that the neighbors all know you and love you. Terry and I went to Vito's house to visit him and his wife. He is something else. When I came into the house, he tried to kiss me on the lips. I knew it was just the Italian in him, and Joanna didn't seem to mind. It's who he is. Remember when we went to dinner with them? He was quite a hoot, and the stories he told were funny. I think about that night and can see you laughing so hard. You winked at me when he tried to kiss me that night. I was a little grossed out until you explained Vito to me. Vito said, "I loved Eric. Do you know what he always said when he saw me?" I said, "No, but I'm sure you are about ready to tell me." With a big smile, he said, "Eric always said, when I grow up, I want to be like Vito."

Dr. Sal Lettieri (The BIG man)

 Dear Frenchie

Today, Dr. Lettieri called me to see how I was doing. He was so compassionate and kind. I told him how proud you were that he was my surgeon. I remember hearing you answer someone's question when they said, "Really, Eric, how is Monya doing through all this change in her life and appearance?" You talked more about Dr. Lettieri than you did about me. I told him what you've said over the years. "He's a genius." You acknowledged and understood why my friendship with him was more of a connection because he would be doing such difficult surgeries on me. You said, "Not many patients have Dr. Sal Lettieri's personal phone number." He laughed and said, "Well, he got that right; you are THE only patient with my personal cell phone." 

I told him how much you admired him and loved that I had a surgeon during this very difficult transition to help me with no bull crap by being honest with me and the number of surgeries I'd have to endure with you. He was very touched by your words. I told him he needs to give himself more credit for what he does, I could never do what he does. I asked him how a trauma Surgeon handles a patient dying in front of them. He said, "I don't know, I cannot answer that there is no sense to it but it's my job. So I pull it together before I talk to the families. Then I asked him, "If it was Sara or Sophia, would you react differently?" Of course, he said he would. "Family is not off limits for grieving and the pain of missing them. I'd say the mourning your family is feeling now is perfectly normal. I'd quit my job and never get married again."

He asked how I was doing, and I told him I miss you, especially at night. Something that he said to me really helped. He explained, "Monya, you were so lucky to have the last 14 months that you had with him; most people don't get that chance when given your diagnosis." He continued to tell me what a good man you were and that he went to the funeral thinking he knew you pretty well after all the talks you two have had, but he left the funeral wanting to be better, nicer, and more like you! That is a BIG compliment coming from him. He is going part-time in two years, then retiring at 70. Yeah, right, he's a workaholic and loves what he does; I told him he was born to do what he does, and he would drive Sara crazy if he retired. He laughed and said, "I know I will, and I love it." with his little chuckle. You and I both know it would be hard for him to stop thinking about cranial surgeries and trauma. Oh, and he will be at Mayo when he goes part-time. Finally, someone at the Mayo in Phoenix sees what Rochester knew when they hired him. He works a lot with Neuro surgeons now at Mayo instead of the plastics department, where he literally has only had me for a patient with real trauma needs. You know he won't do boobs, lifts, or anything plastic unless it's the face. Mayo in Phoenix does not have trauma, so on Wednesdays when he is supposed to work in plastics, he never has patients, but they call him into surgeries to give his opinion, and he is always right; so now the Neuro Surgeons want him to consult with them on patients.

He finally agreed that I would always be his favorite patient. He's had more surgeries with me than any other patient. I love that he still thinks about you and me and said we were a good example. He said it was an honor to know a man who loved his wife like you. Hopefully, Sara will see some changes in him. I told him we thought he was such a good husband to Sara and father to Sophia and Carmichael, but mostly that Sara would not have stayed with him as long as she has if she, too, didn't love him. He agreed and said he would probably pay for Sophia's wedding soon ... I would love to be a fly on the wall when that guy asks Dr. Lettieri for Sophia's hand in marriage. Then I told him how you treated Brian when he asked you to marry Kaitlyn. Now, Dr. Lettieri got the biggest laugh out of that. He refuses to meet the guy. So when he goes to Boston to visit her he will not allow this guy to be around ... sounds familiar to me I think every good dad feels that way. Sara is the nicest woman in the world to be married to a genius like him with no common sense she teaches him how to balance.

Thank you for being with me through forty surgeries and never complaining. Not many husbands could be that loyal, and I love you for it.

See you soon; I love you

Monya

WHY? Maui Day 5

My sweetheart died on February 21, 2024. My heart is broken. The day started out great. We woke up, and Eric was making breakfast. We decided to spend another day at the beach. Dwight and Eric wanted to snorkel. 

We arrived at the beach and found our space. There were quite a few people at Black Rock Beach. Eric kissed me and said, "I love you; see you soon." I said, "I love you and better see you soon." This was different for Frenchie to say that to me. I have told him for years that when someone passes away, he should never say goodbye, always say, 'See you soon.'

Jori took this picture of

Dwight and Eric as they walked off.

Eric was dead within an hour.

Jori and I settled in. I put on my headphones and relaxed. Soon, two women ran down the beach, yelling, "Jori or Monya?" Jori answered them, and we were running toward Dwight in a panic. I immediately knew something was wrong with Eric, and my heart started beating hard. He was lying on the beach, and paramedics were working on him. I stood by while paramedics worked on him for what seemed an hour. It was scary; I was screaming through my tears, "Don't leave me, Eric. Wake up, please." or "Heavenly Father, please don't take him from me." I begged and pleaded while listening to this machine say, "Start compressions" and then "Stop compressions." A very kind policeman stood by my side when he said, "There is nothing more we can do; he is gone. I'm so sorry we are calling it at 12:45." I dropped to my knees, yelling, and now hysterically crying, "No, please, no. Keep trying."

I watched as they wrapped Eric in something to carry him to the ambulance. The policeman walked with me to the ambulance. I kept thinking. "What is happening? This can't be true. We arrived at what looked like a garage (holding area for the dead). The paramedics got Eric out of the ambulance, and the policeman got me a chair and then said, "You can stay with him for as long as you want." I thought, as long as I wanted ...? Maybe he'll wake up if he feels my warm body on him. I began rubbing his chest and arms with my hands, praying for him to wake up ... why wasn't he listening to me ... WAKE UP, PLEASE, WAKE UP ... my voice fell on deaf ears, and my tears fell on his face as I held him close.

Soon, Jori and Dwight showed up but gave me space and time to say, "See you soon."

Jori took this picture from behind me. 

Dwight and I shared some exhausting

tears. A very kind Hawaiian woman

wiped the sand off Eric's face.

We stayed until the paramedics returned and told us they had another call. We would have to say our 'goodbyes.' Then they wheeled him into a room with another dead body. My head was spinning. I am so grateful to Jori and Dwight for being with us. Jori took some notes from the other policeman standing with us. All I could think about was him being in that little closet with another body. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground and pretty sure I took Jori down with me; I fainted and not very gracefully. I felt so bad for Jori, and I was pretty embarrassed. 

I called Blake to tell him on our ride back to the resort. This surprised Jori and Dwight, who now tell me we had decided not to call him until we were safe in the resort condo. Blake asked me, "What's wrong?" When he heard me crying, I said, "Blake dad died today." He raised his voice and said, "What? Nooo." I handed the phone to Jori because I could not talk.

Maui Day Four

Today, Frenchie got up early. He wanted to see the sunrise, and he was excited that Jori was awake and wanted to go with him. Then he started helping make breakfast. Dwight was next up and helped finish the breakfast. I had a protein drink. We all put on our swimsuits and went on another adventure.

Today we went whale watching, boy there were a lot of whales Eric was in Heaven. 

We had so much fun that it felt like we were on our honeymoon—actually, it felt better than that. Eric and I are so happy right now. I'm grateful for him. Eric works so hard and has always provided for his family. Family means everything to him, I have encouraged him to have good connections with each of his children. It makes me really sad that the perception they have about my mothering is completely different than my perspective. I don't remember ever having problems we couldn't fix while I raised them. Eric keeps telling me not to worry; he will reunite the family. I have my doubts those girls are really, really angry with me. But for now, it's just me and Frenchie. This past year has been hard, but he and I are moving forward with or without the girls in my life. We are getting older and want to spend the rest of our time together having fun.

Monya

Maui Day 3

 Today we went to a beautiful beach. It was called McKenna Beach. Of course, Eric got bored just sitting, so he and Dwight took a little hike over the mountain. I knew Dwight would be careful to ensure Eric would not overdo it. 

Jori and I stayed. We were good just visiting with each other on the beach. Around an hour or two later, the boys came back with big smiles on their faces. I asked Eric what in the world was making him smile so big. He said, "On the other side of that rock mountain is the most beautiful lagoon." I said, "Oh wow, I wish I wasn't worried about hiking over those rocks. I'd go with you." He laughed and said, "It was quite a hike, I took my time, but it was worth it. It's a naked beach ..." I was so surprised I giggled and said, "Seriously? What did you and Dwight do." Now Dwight, Jori, and Eric were all laughing. Eric said, "Well, Dwight said to me, "you ready to go for it?" Then I said, "Hell yeah, we took off our swimsuits and went swimming." I roared, laughing, and said, "You know everyone on the beach thought you two were 'partners'?" Dwight and Eric laughed and said simultaneously, "Who cares? We had so much fun and just made a memory." I could understand that Eric always says "Life is Good."

Maui Day 2

 Oh boy, today was a good day in Hawaii; well, really, when is it not a good day in Hawaii?

We went to the beach, ate at a food truck, and laughed with Jori and Dwight. They are the best friends, and we have had so much fun spending time with them.

Having one-on-one time with Eric has been so fun; he's so happy. He kept saying how beautiful Maui was and wanted to look at real estate for a small home. The man loves real estate and the beach. His mom served her mission in Hawaii, and we talked a bit about her. We both miss her; Eric is very private and does not talk about her too much except with me. He loved her dearly, and seeing where she served made him feel closer to her. I love seeing him so happy. He enjoys life and never takes for granted every breath of life. Today was a good day!!!

MAUI Here We Come Day 1

 This morning we boarded a Southwest plane with Dwight and Jori Udall, friends we have loved for more than forty years. Yes, Southwest Airlines. Eric and I have not flown on any other airline than American Airlines in 19 years, but we wanted to be on the same flight as the Udall's. So much for a non-stop, the pilot announced we needed to land in LAX to get fuel.... WHAT?

When we arrived at the airport Frenchie got a wheelchair for me and told them I needed to pre-board. I was perfectly fine to walk, I asked him why he did that and he said, "I forgot to check in and this is the only way we can pick a seat with Jori and Dwight." Okay, I was down for a little sneaky sneaky!!

Frenchie was so excited to use his new iPad to watch movies on. Problem is he didn't sync it to his phone and could not do it on the airplane. I looked over at him and he was watching Barbie on his phone, I laughed and asked why would he want to watch that movie, it's just not him. He said, "Haleigh told me it was really good, and I like it." Okay then, have fun I thought.

When we arrived to Maui Frenchie was so excited for our first stop to be at COSTCO. He is a COSTCO junkie, SAMS is a close second. I loved watching him, he was like a child in a candy store. He found not one but three swimsuits, but still didn't want to pay full price. I reminded him that he has lost so much weight none of his other suits would fit him. He has worked so hard to be healthy and he has lost over 130 pounds. He was so proud of himself and I was proud of him too, the man loves food. Since his heart attack he has been eating clean with me. I showed him instead of looking at what he couldn't eat he should be looking at all the wonderful things he could eat. It's been a journey and we deserve this vacation.

The resort we stayed at was absolutely beautiful, Jori and Dwight have a time share in Maui. We told them we would love to come with them anytime they need companions. We were exhausted that first night. So off to our room we knelt and said our prayers holding hands, then fell asleep.

Happy Birthday CJ, today we celebrate you!!

Hilary Weeks My New BFF

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2015

Hilary Weeks, my new BFF

Lunch with Hilary-😘

A few months ago, Hilary Weeks emailed me to schedule a time to meet and go to lunch. With so much going on, it was easier to make that happen now.

Everyone knows I fly for free, so I got on a plane, flew to Utah stayed with one of my oldest and dearest friends Teri Padovich. We had so much fun catching up, laughing, actually laughing a lot. We talked a lot. We haven't seen each other for so long. I was a little worried about her reaction to my face. She didn't skip a beat; we hugged and went off. It was like old times; I needed this time away from Arizona.

While Teri was working, I met Hilary for lunch; good thing I knew what she looked like because we hadn't at that point exchanged phone numbers. I knew I was supposed to meet her in Harvest restaurant at Thanksgiving Point. I immediately recognized her and apologized for being late; those GPSs don't always give the correct directions.

I have to say, meeting Hilary was excellent for me; what a ray of light she gives out. Her spirit is inspirational; I could feel her sincerity. It's rare to find people you can truly connect with on a spiritual level. It felt like we'd been friends forever; she was beautiful inside and out. Just as I love the Live Happy campaign, Hilary has her own called Live Positive. You are truly missing out if you still need to get the app on your phone. Keep track of happy thoughts,  type journal entries, make goals, and earn inspirational quotes. You can even form groups of people to do it with.

I loved talking with Hilary; she has 4 daughters and met her husband while he was on his mission in Alaska --she thought Elder Weeks was pretty cute and pretty inspirational himself. A few years later, she was walking on the BYU campus when she saw him for the 1st time since Alaska. She said she yelled, "Elder Weeks" He turned, saw her, and ditched his friends; the rest is history. I love her music, I've heard her speak, and my heart has been drawn to her for so many reasons. Now I know why. She is so positive, loves her family, and has a burning desire to improve the world.

After lunch, we exchanged phone numbers, and to my surprise, she texted me and invited me to attend the Women's broadcast with her and 3 of her daughters. Teri dropped me off at Hilary's house. I met her daughter and her husband (Elder Weeks). What a great family.

I love these cute girls....❤️👀

Sitting in the woman's broadcast with Hilary and her girls was fun. When it came time to sing, my instinct was to pick up the hymn book and sing. Suddenly, I realized I was sitting next to Hilary Weeks. Her music has inspired me and helped me through some incredibly rough times...this was really surreal. I wanted to close my eyes and listen to her voice sing. Janice Kapp Perry was also in the congregation--I was surrounded by inspiration.

 Of course, I wished my daughters could have been with us too.  I am an avid note taker. I have stacks of journals and notepads full of the notes I have taken from special talks and thoughts I spontaneously have while visiting Mayo Clinic. Some of the most important life lessons I've learned are written down and journaled. I sometimes go back and review them, and often I am so surprised at the words I have written. How easy it is sometimes to forget the lessons we learn at poignant times of our life. I'm so grateful for having those detailed memories to look back on. This visit with Hilary and her family will always be one of those memories. The Lord has truly blessed me with good people in my life. Hilary and I will be forever friends now.  

This is truly a beautiful woman inside and out.

Notes from Conference 

My Kaitlyn Rae

 March 6, 2015

My Kaitlyn Rae

Happy Birthday to my sweet, sassy, kind, and funny daughter. You have been such a light in my life. I don't believe a day passed that you didn't make Dad and I laugh. You had silly faces and the cutest little raspy voice. Life with you has been a dream come true. You have brought me so much joy, I have laughed with you until I've pee'd my pants. 

I remember when Pioneer School was the school, we started Blake and Kayla at Pioneer School, Blake had a speech problem and had 36 children in the class. Dad and I immediately pulled them out of school and put them at Edu Prize.

One day, a few years later, you and Haleigh were in the car with me to go pick up Kayla and Blake from school. You said, "Mommy I want to go to that school "as we drove by Pioneer. I liked the Edu Prize, but I also wanted you to be able to make your own choices. So, you started school at Pioneer and had the greatest teachers every year. They loved you too. I remember going to the Grand Canyon for the first time with you and your class with Mrs. Herr. Everyone loved you at school, and you made friends with everyone.

Now that you get older, I am impressed with your choice of friends, you are still happy all the time. I love you so much, and cannot believe how fast the time fly's by, I want you to be a toddler again.  I love you I love you I love you.

 

Divine Connections

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2015

Divine Connections

God knows every hair on my head. He knows who I am, and he knows what my future is. With this knowledge, I should have no fear. If I trust in the Lord, there should be no doubt of His love for me.
Living entirely in faith, knowing he will lead and guide me, is hard sometimes. I know He has my plan already mapped out. I've said so many times nothing happens by mistake. People come and go in my life for a reason, and I've made divine connections with some incredible individuals.

At Cleveland Clinic last summer, I met a woman named Darlene Ballard. I sat in the waiting area, feeling vulnerable and weak. I looked to my right, and she was sitting with her friend (I believe). I noticed Darlene right away. Her eye was completely shut. Without hesitation, I walked over and sat beside her. "Do you mind if I ask you what happened to your eye?" I knew I was taking a risk by asking such a bold question. Perhaps she was not like me. Would she be offended? I'm so glad I decided to speak with her. She turned to me, and immediately I felt something, a bond. "Of course, I don't mind." Darlene continued to tell me why her eye was closed. She had a benign tumor. It wrapped around her eye. Although she was elated the diagnosis was not favorable for cancer, this was and is a significant trial to overcome. Her journey with this unexpected burden will not soon be over. In fact, she will probably deal with this for the rest of her life. She explained that the surgeon could not get all the tumors, even after a grueling surgery. She was positive. She showed me her eye was beginning to open just a bit. I asked her if her eye would ever wholly open. Darlene said her surgeon told her it would open.

Last Sunday night, I received a phone call from Darlene. She was simply calling to check on me. We talked for quite a while. She has had another surgery since I last saw her. She explained it would take several surgeries to get the entire tumor. I believe she came into my life for a divine purpose. Sometimes the Lord closes a door so that another one can open. I know there is no support group for losing a nerve. However, Darlene and I have struggled with similar feelings and emotions. It is my pleasure to call her my new friend. I will continue to pray for her full recovery.

I've learned I cannot force things in my life to happen; I can't manipulate God and his timing. He brings the right people into my life, so I can weed out the wrong. This sounds strong. The truth is there will always be good and evil in life. We cannot know the good without experiencing the bad. We can only see the light if we have experienced the darkness.

My dear friend Sheldon passed away this week. I made a divine connection with him. I will always be grateful for that connection. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2008. I was diagnosed in 2009. Over these past 5 and a half years, we connected on a different level than I could with other people. Sometimes all I needed to do was turn around during church to meet his eye; at that moment, we both knew. I could see in his face if he was having a good or bad week. Today, my immediate prompting was to turn and see if he was there. Sheldon was a quiet giant; I never heard him complain. We shared moments, thoughts, and feelings about oncologists, medicine, chemo, and side effects. He had a great love for his family. He deeply loved his wife Kit and his children Estee, Noah, Peri, and Chloe. I often listened to him share his feelings about each one of his children. He didn't want Kit to deal with the effects of cancer and often took it all on himself. Kit was an incredible caregiver and strength for him. She was well aware of his care and was always concerned. She made sure Sheldon ate clean and healthy. I was always impressed at how well she balanced everything in her life. I understood him wanting to do things his way. I have felt those feelings of concern for my own family.   There have been many times I have chosen to not tell my family what is happening in my world at Mayo Clinic. I think this is normal for many people who deal with life-altering events.

I will be eternally grateful for the divine connections I have made. With my Heavenly Father, this connection has been invaluable. As I continue the journey of life, I will always recognize a prompting to introduce myself, find a friend or share a moment.

I'm Trying ...

 

I'm trying...

I have missed a few blog posts so today I will post three.  First, I went to Cleveland Clinic, had my surgery with Doctor Gustman, then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him... "You made a mistake on your blog, which was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the miss count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" So there you have it, yes, I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life-altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down-to-earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone in conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes and learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it, and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (This is not the case she had about eight hundred people on that call) I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Gracefully and gently, she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, and who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 months that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful in doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person and to learn that when I fall, I can be lifted and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be led and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where, or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of nowhere he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked, "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to, and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" A little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for complete physical healing.  I have felt broken, alone, and misunderstood. To finally say aloud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physicians have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficulty was?

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful" for some reason that ".... but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul, is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Trust in God

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2014

Trust in God

Another night of insomnia; I cannot stop thinking about The Wentworth Family tonight. Our girls danced together for years; Darbie and Sierra have always had a special place in my heart, especially offering their personal prayers for me when needed. As I knelt to pray tonight, I asked God to wrap his arms in and around their hearts and comfort them with His love. I have perfect knowledge that their son Buddy is being watched over and taken care of, he is in a peaceful place that is nothing like earth, and he will be with his family again.

I recently received this bookmark from a dear friend, who I admire and love for her strength and love of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She, too, lost her son; it just never seems fair that a child should go to Heaven before their parents. Living in this world, we face so many challenges, and what makes it all worth it is knowing the Savior died for us; we have knowledge of the Atonement. We hear, "The Lord never gives us trials we cannot endure"  I have had some bumps along the way, especially in the last few years, but I am grateful the Lord knows I could not handle losing a child or grandchild. I'd instead take on any pain or heartache to keep my children and grandchildren safe from harm.

I love this...Thank You, Carla Kelly. I see this every day
when I read, and it reminds me of great promises.

Even when we are feeling broken, we are loved. It's hard to heal from a tragedy like this, but the hands of mercy and grace offer us a peaceful feeling of HOPE and FAITH in something bigger than ourselves. I know I am loved; I know He is aware of me, and I know what I must do to return with honor to Him and live with my family forever. There is a reason we are all here on earth, we are all children of infinite worth, and we are part of His eternal plan; we may not always understand what that means, but as we discover His unconditional love for us as individuals, we start to understand just how hard it is for Him to see us suffer, we are His children. I know I've had to turn to the Lord for peace on days when I no longer wanted to be here. Searching for your soul and discovering who you are, I mean the REAL authentic person you are, has been more fulfilling than anything I have learned in the past 51 years.

What is a Saint?

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2014

What is a Saint?

When I think of someone as a Saint, my mind immediately goes to Viola Williams, Eric's Mom. In my eyes, she could do no wrong; she actively would seek out the weak and weary and take them into her home for comfort from their worldly worries. The knock on the door was often in the early morning or late night, but she never turned anyone away; she loved unconditionally. Life to her was beautiful; she was raised in humble circumstances, served a mission in Hawaii, and married the love of her life Ray Williams. Ray was a postal worker, and she was an accountant. I never saw them quarrel; they learned the art of laughter and happiness together as they struggled through life's challenges together; I miss them both dearly. I look to Vi as my ultimate example and know without a doubt I will feel her loving arms around me again when I leave this life and start my new journey.

Someone recently told me, "You are a saint." To that person, I said, "I am not a Saint unless you think of a Saint as a sinner who just keeps trying to be better than they were the day before." 

Honestly, I keep tracing the steps of where I've been these past 5 years and cannot comprehend how I've been able to continue on. I read some of my old blog posts, and I can see the Lord's handwriting those words; he has been with me every step.

With this past trial, I am trying to deal with, I feel very vulnerable; it's hard to speak sometimes to people, my eyes tear up. The aching of this is so real to me; I remember not getting the Villain out of my head; it was a day-to-day struggle, fighting to stay alive. I have poured out my heart and soul to the Lord, sometimes feeling his loving arms around me and sometimes deserted and alone. The feeling of peace and knowing His grace remains with me has certainly gotten me through some unbearable times.

While talking to Doctor Northfelt, I told him it's hard for me to look in the mirror and be ok with what I see. This is a change even I have to get used to seeing; right now, I am dealing with it my way. It's hard to feel attractive for my husband; I wonder if I am sexy to him anymore. Will I be able to live with this face if I have to? I asked Eric if he is embarrassed to walk with me or hold my hand in public; I knew his answer, but I still needed to ask. This transitional period is challenging, very hard. I'm grateful for Dr. Northfelt; although I shared with him not all of what I just transferred here, he is always so good at listening.

 The people who know me know my heart, which has not changed. I sometimes feel lonely; when I was going through chemo and radiation, I had a support group, people I could talk to who were either going through it themselves or had already been down that road. We all had similar feelings and could help each other get through the bad days. I don't have anyone to talk to; I don't know anyone who has been through this life-altering trauma. I do my best to keep positive, but smiling is tricky because it looks so weird; one side smiles while the other is "normal"  Even when I am happy, I catch a glimpse of what I look like when I smile and it is hideous to look at. So this leaves me in a predicament, do I never smile or laugh again? No, it does mean that I need to learn to smile with my eyes, and listen with my heart, knowing others who love me don't see that ugly smile. They see the heart of the same ole' 'say it like it is' Monya.

 I quit trying to understand why or how this happened. I instead have been focusing on happiness; what does happiness mean to me? In December, after my 1st ear surgery, a dear friend called me and invited me to a Nerium event, the 1st three times, I said I'd be there but either forgot, or simply didn't want to know what it was. I don't remember, but Shelli reminds me of it. Finally, she invited Eric and me to the Barrett Jackson event; I didn't want to go, but Eric wanted to get me out of the house. I was still feeling post-surgical pain, so I sat with the girls in Shelli's Nerium boot; II sat and observed (you know how I love to people watch) there were a ton of men coming up and buying this cream at the time I thought they were probably just coming back because all of these girls are drop dead gorgeous. I observed the interaction these girls had with people, then I was approached by Liz Decker. She said, "so what do you know about Nerium?" I said, "Nothing, but I want in, it's time for me to get out of this cancer world, and I heard you mention you are all going to St Louis in April; sign me up for that too; I need a girls trip" I went to St. Louis had an incredible time watching person after person serve and help each other. It really was quite impressive; EVERYONE was so happy. This was precisely what I needed, get out of my cancer world and start living my life with friends I had excluded because of my diagnosis. Shortly late,r I had the emergency surgeries at Mayo Clinic, all those Nerium people came to visit me; that pierced my heart, knowing these people are REALLY genuine. Then when I went to Cleveland Clinic for 7 weeks, they supported me and kept in touch. I continued to share my thoughts about Nerium with people and even shared enough to sign up a partner from a bed with my computer. I gave out Live Happy Magazines to everyone; day by day, I could see and feel myself gaining confidence in who I am again. I was welcomed back with open arms and tearful eyes when I came home. We took off again just where I left off, not skipping a beat or feeling vulnerable at all with them; my face is different; II thought it would be a deterrent and was afraid to face them; this is an excellent anti-aging company promoting beauty and looking younger, how in the world can I represent them? Now that I look back on that, I can see the Lord's hand leading me and guiding me to this place I thought I could never be in again. With that, I have to say "thank you" to all my Nerium Family, who has truly loved me like family. I may not be moving as quickly as I had goal initially, I've learned the goal is still the same, the timing is just different, and finally, I've learned that those who genuinely love you will never leave you; this, my friends are unconditional love, so Saint I may never be, but trying to be better day by day, yes I can do that.

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