Easter 2025

 

Hello, My Lover,

It has been a whirlwind of activity — moving from a 5,000-square-foot home to a 2,100-square-foot one has kept me on my toes more than I ever expected.

Yesterday, I did something sweet. I invited the kids and grandchildren over to our Gilbert home for one last dinner and a Golden Egg hunt. As the grandkids searched for eggs, I could hear you in my head — cheering them on as each one found their egg with $20 inside. I could practically feel your wink when they succeeded. I miss your belly laugh… your smile… everything about the joy you brought to even the simplest moments.

Today is Easter, and I attended my new ward. The people there are so kind, and I felt a sense of peace in their presence. Do you remember when we were deciding to move from the house on Cove? We hunted for land, but what mattered most to me was the ward. I will never forget the spirit we felt when we visited the Sixth Ward together. Yesterday, as people introduced themselves and welcomed me, I felt that same spirit — a warm reminder that I am not alone. It’s a good ward, with a beautiful mix of children, youth, and many retired couples our age. This was my third week there, and I already feel welcomed and embraced.

I grew spiritually in that old ward, surrounded by so many dear people who helped build my testimony of Christ. Today, more than ever, I remember that Jesus Christ’s sacrifice assures me we will see each other again.

I arrived at church just a little late, and as I sat in the foyer, I gazed at the life-size picture of Christ. I pictured Him standing with you, and I had a quiet conversation with Him. I know He lives. I know I will see you again. I can’t fully understand why Heavenly Father allowed His Son to suffer, knowing the pain it would bring Him, but I know it was part of His plan — a plan of love and mercy that gives me hope.

The grandchildren are growing so fast. Haleigh and her family were unable to attend today, but she sent pictures of them — and oh, they are getting so big. Ellis is tall, and Sena was sweet as ever. She reminds me so much of Haleigh at her age. Haleigh has always been a kind, gentle soul. What a joy it was to raise her! I’ll never forget her senior year of high school — so many times, she would crawl into bed next to me just to be near me, no words needed. She was my fierce advocate during my cancer journey, even without knowing it.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Kayla lately. She and Jeremy are separated, and I fear their marriage may not survive. Kayla is an incredible mom and an amazing listener. I understand her more now, and through her, I’ve learned so much about Autism and the depth of patience it requires. Recker is fifteen now — big and strong like Jeremy —, and he often echoes what we say, letting me know he understands. When I say, I love you, he responds in his own beautiful way. Ezra is gentle and loving — just the other day, he ran back to me for a big hug that brought tears to my eyes. Teddy is thoughtful and kind, though he’s understandably confused about his parents’ separation.

You would be so proud of Blake. He has helped me tremendously this past year. You know he’s such a mama’s boy. He’s a hard worker, a great husband, and an incredible father. Chloe is thriving in her job at Denver’s office, and Weslie — sweet Wes — oh, she is a dancer like her mom, and she loves it. Yesterday, she kept hugging me and kept asking when she could have a “sleepover.” You know how much I adore that. She wondered about Papa — where you are, physically. I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want to say something her parents wouldn’t like, so I told her how much you still love her, and that one day, when it’s my time to leave this life, I’ll be with you again. She listened earnestly — I’m not sure if she fully understood, but she wanted to be comforted.

Kaitlyn and Brian are excellent. Kaitlyn works from home and really enjoys her job. I am so proud of her in so many ways. Brian works hard, and I’m grateful that they continues to lean on the Lord together. I asked Brian if he would come and dedicate our new home in The Reserve — and of course, he said he would. He is solid in the Gospel, and I am so glad he is Kaitlyn’s partner.

Phoenix is ten now — growing so fast. He loves soccer and football, and life with such joy and friendships. And Archie… you know how my heart melts with that boy. Kaitlyn may say he’s sneaky, but I’ve never seen it — to me, he is all sweetness. I love how much Archie and Phoenix adore little Florence. I feel a little sorry for the boys who want to date her someday — she is something truly special. Something spiritual and radiant. Recently, she looked up at me and said, “Do you know Jesus died for all of us?” Oh my heart. I answered, “Yes, He did — and He loves you. He loves all the people in the whole world.” She is much like Kaitlyn was at that age—full of wonder and expression. Every time she sees me, she runs with her little arms wide open and yells, “Bonbon!” — and I can’t help but laugh and melt right into her arms.

I’m so grateful we have these children of ours. Every one of them holds a piece of my heart. They are responsible, good people — and their spouses are wonderful too.

I used to tell you how sad it was that they never got to know your mom. Now I fear they may forget you. I try to remind them — especially the little ones — how much you love them.

I love you, and I always will.

Love,
Monya

Possibilities

 

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2016

Possibilities

    

"For You, Whose Day It Is, Get Out Your Rainbow Colors and Make It Beautiful" --Nootka Song

Finding joy in possibility is magical. Living in a world as a child where possibilities were stripped of me, I now see endless possibilities for my life as an adult. Never in a million years would I have dreamed of authoring a book about my life--but I did it!!  

So many times, people see the gloom in life because that is what they have been taught. I hope to overcome seeing life through those lenses. I want my grandchildren to see their life with endless possibilities. They need to be taught they can achieve anything they put their mind to; they can dream the impossible and make it possible. I hope they embrace every opportunity, challenge with zest, and live in the moment.

My oldest grandson Recker was diagnosed with autism when he was just an incredibly young toddler; he is now almost seven years old; and still is non-verbal. I wish I could see life through his eyes. We, as a family, know he understands so much of what is happening around him; but communicating is difficult.

Last week, my daughter Kayla, his mother, received this from his teacher. Four out of five.

He understands more than I realized

Enduring ongoing adversity

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2015

Enduring ongoing adversity  

There are so many differences in all our lives. Depending on the circumstances, new mothers sometimes feel overwhelmed, fathers feel pressured to care for families, and some struggle with loneliness. We all have at least one challenge in common. Dealing with some type of adversity. I’ve also realized the reality of those adversities cannot be compared. For example, I struggled as a teenager with severe issues for years. It was heartbreaking to live through, especially knowing that life would be much easier if I were obedient. One day I went to visit a friend who was devastated and beside herself in tears. When I inquired what was wrong, I was shocked at her answer. She mentioned her daughter’s name, and then, through her tears, she explained, “She broke a family rule and got her ears pierced; she’s only 15; we agreed no ears pierced until the age of 18” Her perspective, and her trial was nothing like what we were dealing with, however in her family it was obviously just as heartbreaking.     

There have been periods, sometimes long times, when my life seemed to flow with little difficulty. Unfortunately, the nature of our lives gives way to distress; for me, periods of good health have ended, and misfortunes have arrived. It is more difficult when the comfortable times have gone on for a while. Suffering from health issues or losing material security can bring fear and sometimes even anger. I must be transparent here and admit I have felt rage and questioned why? I realize the anger comes from a feeling that what is happening is unfair. It came as such a shock. To be blessed with good health all my life, the serene sense of being secure had become deserved and natural, like an arrogant ignorance. Hadn’t I proven my worthiness and loyalty to the Lord? For this health issue to continue for over 5 years, a feeling of injustice has sometimes come to my mind. I have considered myself a brave woman, yet many times have cried aloud, “I have always tried to be good. How could this happen?”

The opportunity to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the blessings of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.

There is an aching sometimes for an answer to “How could this happen?” It becomes even more painful when I see others struggling, including those I love. When Recker was diagnosed with Autism, I wouldn’t say I was devastated, but I was honestly asking, “Why?” It was tough for us to accept when he was so innocent. Then having our second grandson diagnosed with Autism, I must be honest, I rocked my testimony, hitting my knees continually asking, “Why, why would you send these spirits to the same parents?” This distress can shake faith in the reality of a loving and all-powerful God. I felt the spirit continually reminding me the Lord knows all, and if I continued without faith, doubt could grow and spread. It could make me, or my children turn away from God, blaming him for the thought of him being indifferent or cruel. I knew I needed to check in with Him daily, or those feelings could lead to a loss of faith and question whether there was a God. Again, I found myself asking like I did several months after processing a cancer diagnosis....” why me?” with the comforter conveying to me repeatedly, I soon asked, “Why not me?” It takes time to get that pain to go away, but I can honestly say now, “Thank you, Lord, for blessing us and trusting us with these two little boys” (I am not speaking for Jeremy or Kayla, I’m not sure they are feeling the same.)  What a pure love they have for us and we for them.  

It soon became apparent that for me to trust Him, I must be transformed by making righteous choices daily, which is hard to do. I often wonder if I am prepared for such a great trust. Passing through trials and testing requires a great deal of faith. I deal with facts, and the education for me could come only as I allowed myself to be subject to trials while serving God and others for Him. I’m so grateful for this education as I experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, sadness from sin, and the joy of forgiveness. I’m convinced that forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which I can only faintly comprehend. It comforts me even to know I must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help me and others who suffer. Faith in that power has given me patience as I pray, work, and wait for help. He could easily take this away, but He chooses to teach by personal experience. Just as I need to learn from my own subjective experiences. The Lord’s relentless answers to my pleading have helped and encouraged me in times of darkness. Even when I feel the truth of the Lord to deliver me in my trials, it still tests my courage and strength to endure. Lately, it feels like it will not end; during these times, even physical strength is complex, and listening to RS lessons on how to deal with trials and adversity is hard to comprehend. The comments made are even difficult to hear. (Sorry just being honest) I have seen faith and courage come from my testimony. I am being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful children. The child who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualifies for eternal life can find peace during the struggle. This is so much easier to write than live through. I am far from perfect, but I have begun to prepare my heart to be worthy of the Lord. I’ve had the attitude, “Things will work out.” Medical insecurities have not eroded my faith but have tested and strengthened it. And the feeling of peace the Lord has promised has already been delivered during the storm. Other miracles are sure to follow. I expect miracles to happen and thank the Lord ahead of time for the gift that I know is just around the corner. I watch from a distance how Kayla and Jeremy have embraced the trial they have been faced with.

Recker and Ezra are beautiful, loving children, but don’t mistake their love and affection for an easy road to take. From day to day, they struggle, not knowing “what will happen next?” Those boys are into everything. Recker and Ezra are both non-verbal, so imagine their frustration knowing everyone around them can talk. Their only way of communication is by taking us by the hand and leading us to what they need or want. I can only translate my feelings as a grandparent, not as a caring parent for 24 hours, worrying 24 hours. The special bond these boys have with their cousins and family is unconditional love. However, I can’t imagine the heaviness on his parents' shoulders. The responsibility the Lord has given them is beyond what I can comprehend. I know I am on the road to being the best I can be, so I can live with these perfect little boys for eternity. I don’t know why, but the Lord customizes trials to strengthen and purify us individually. Often it will come in the inspiration to do what might seem especially hard for the person who needs help himself. The test, and there is always a test, is how we deal with the trial. From my experience, I know that He can and will give us strength to rise through every problem. 

Blessed Abundantly

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2014

Blessed Abundantly

Well, I made it to Cleveland Clinic. Rather than dwell on what was coming up, I focused on more positive thoughts. If you do not have a LIVE HAPPY magazine, I am a Live Happy ambassador and would love to get you one; please send me your address; it costs you nothing, but it will enhance your life tremendously; I love it.

I had a day filled with tests and pre-op appointments. It is freezing here in Cleveland, not what this Arizona girl is used to. Eric flew in last night to be with me for the surgery; I reassured my surgeon I was flying home on Saturday; his PA was a little shocked at my boldness, but I needed to be with my family. One remarkable thing is that I am flying in 1st class, drugged up, and hopefully feel no pain.

So many struggles privately; I would be one of them. However, I don't have that pleasure; my obvious insecurity and self-doubt have been public but have helped me develop in ways I arrogantly didn't think I needed. To those who struggle anxiously and quietly, please know I pray for you daily--it's the least I can do, and I HOPE for some relief from your pain.

Life is so full of difficulties; no one is perfect, and no situation is always ideal, but for me, right now, I am doing all I can to become OK with who I am, what I physically look like to others, and work on my worth as a person, not an object. I love who I am becoming and realize I have much more to work on. The beauty of this life is that we get to start all over again tomorrow with a renewed perspective--and if we don't make it to tomorrow--guess what? There's still HOPE--He will pick up the pieces and carry us through to our new journey.

We all need someone to talk to, someone who really understands. For parts of my life, Sonya and Kris have been my people. Eric, my eternal partner, understands and helps me to achieve my goals with ambition and constant encouragement. Amazingly my little Recker looks into my eyes at times, and I know he realizes and senses my solitude. Yes, I am blessed in abundance.

Trusting

 

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2014

Trusting

The worst pain a mother can feel is knowing her children are struggling with something you cannot understand or comfort them.
There have been times when my doubt has been as vast as the ocean, feeling like the waves need to sweep me away, not wanting to face the pain. Our oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy have two gorgeous boys. Recker is almost 5 years old. It's so hard to believe how fast he is growing.  Ezra will be two in February. He's been a spunky, smiley fun baby boy.  These little angels have brought me more joy than I ever thought imaginable.  Their laughter and unconditional love are contagious.

Ezra's squint eye..so cute

Ezra love

When Recker was 14 months old, he was diagnosed with Autism. He is non-verbal but has taught me to speak with my heart and eyes. The past five years have been so difficult for Kayla and Jeremy. Something I don't even try to understand. All I understand is that if it were not for Recker, I would not have made it through some days when I could barely get out of bed--he is my sweet baby boy, who saved me from going to a very dark place.

Two days ago, Ezra was also diagnosed with Autism. I was so sure he was fine. He was making animal noises, something Recker never did. He could point to the various parts of his body. Again, I don't remember Recker doing that. Over the past few months, Ezra has started to regress. Although Kayla tried her most demanding to prepare us, it could be true. I just didn't want to believe it. Ezra was doing everything differently until he didn't; gradually, he became distant.

Kayla did everything differently with her pregnancy, thinking it might be different. Ezra didn't get his shots like Recker did. She did everything differently--Now we know, his diagnosis is a shock to Eric and me, but not so much to Kayla and Jeremy, who I can honestly say have tried to prepare us for.

Recker School Picture--I love this.

Recker lives in an extraordinary world--I wish I could go
there with him.

When I found out, I just wanted to scream, "WHY?" I still do. I am hurt, angry, sad, and blessed all at the same time. These mixed emotions have rocked my little world and will take a few days, weeks, or months to get used to.  I just want Kayla and Jeremy's dreams of having a typical child to come true. This does not mean they do not love their boys. They love them more than life, but not hearing your child say "mom or dad" is heartbreaking.  They need time to mourn. We all do.

I don't in any way, shape, or form believe these boys are doomed and will not have a future that is anything less than we, as a family, teach them. I know they can and will be, such a blessing to our family and others. In fact, through their journey, they will be the ones who, against the odds, will teach us. Through their sweet spirits, they will guide us so much more about compassion and tolerance than we could ever learn in a book.

So, it leaves me with doubt, fear, and the unknown, but I know one thing for sure, and I can never say this enough, Heavenly Father sends those sweet boys to our family for a purpose.  We may never know what that purpose is but we have decided the reason does not matter as much as making the journey with them memorable and happy.  Autism is not fun. It is misunderstood.  I know so little about why a child is diagnosed with Autism. All I really know is that nothing has changed for me. I love them unconditionally; I will take them by the hand as they lead me and guide me back to where I want to be ... HEAVEN.

Halloween 2014

 

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2014

Halloween 2014

Recker Loves Papa and Pizza

Brian and Kaitlyn--Old Couple--She's pregnant.
How'd that happen?

Brad and Betty Walmart Greeters
Haleigh & Scott

Ezra the Lion

My Recker Love

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2014

My little Recker Love

How can anyone look at this sweet spirit
and be cruel? 

I am so upset tonight that I cannot sleep, thinking about our special grandson. He is in pre-school, and he has parents who care for him. Kayla is protective and knowledgeable about Autism. Today, I'm sad that he could not defend himself while in the care of the school system.

I thought it would have been another child who hurt him, but it was an adult.

He was treated like an animal on a leash; what a horrible sight to see when his respite worker picked him up from school. Kayla is devastated; my tears and prayers are for this sweet little angel tonight.

I don't know what I can say specifically about the case, but my heart is bursting with pain. I wish people would listen with their hearts, and say to themselves, "kindness begins with me."

Recker has Autism-He is NOT a
burden; he is misunderstood.
Sometimes he just needs to run free.

Promises not broken

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 8, 2014

Promises not broken

I know without any doubt one day, I will be strong enough to believe in this promise. Right now, I am feeling vulnerable. I am so afraid I have spent a week in Cleveland trying to find a doctor who will take on my case, one which I was told by two doctors they have never seen during their time as practicing doctors. I am fine-tuned, and my sharp edges are being sanded down. Heaven has shown me so many miracles....and one thing I know for sure is the Lord will not take our pain away; I also believe he could take it away, but when he does that, we are deprived of blessings we would have never had the opportunity to endure, come closer to the spirit and strengthen our testimony of FAITH and HOPE in Christ.  

One day a few weeks ago, I let Recker and Ezra play in my car while I was cleaning it out; they love to just play in the car because when he drives, they have to be in their car seats, so when bonbon lets them play they are all happy and smiles. The next day I was going, and I noticed both Recker and Ezra's feet and hand prints on the windows; I pulled my car over to the side of the road and stared at those prints with the biggest smile on my face--thinking, "I want to absorb this moment, those little hand prints are my cute little grandkids...." why did they not look as cute when they were my own children's? Or maybe they were, but I just forgot. I later noticed in my house on one of the mirrors Recker's hand prints all over it; I did not take the Windex out--instead, I cleaned around it; this little boy has blessed my life more than anyone ever has--I love Ezra too, and I love him just as much, but the connection I have with Ezra is different than the one I have with Recker. Last week when I was home, I had the PICC line in my arm and a wrap around my ear, like a bandaid. Recker always comes and hugs me, but this time he gave me a hug, and then I had to inspect my PICC line. I tried to explain that it was a boo boo, and bonbon needed some medicine. Then he hugged me again and looked at the bandaid on my ear. He first looked at it, then looked me straight in the eye, as if to say, "it will only hurt for a minute," and that fast he had ripped it off my ear and ran as fast he could---NO, it didn't hurt, he just hates bandaids and obviously if he doesn't like them he assumed bonbon wouldn't either. This little Recker boy is 4 and a half, he is still non-verbal, but he and I can communicate with our eyes and hearts. He has a special bond with our Heavenly Father, and I treat him as though he is a typical child because we do not want him to think we think he is less worthy or less loved than anyone else in this family. 

He's my little angel.

I know that one day we will understand why some children are born with this particular veil surrounding them and protect them from the world's temptations. When I look at this picture above, it always makes me think of Recker; I believe his footprints will also be next to mine, his perfect little prints walking next to me and helping me get where I need to be.

Tomorrow is a big day for me; I am praying the doctor has already cleared his schedule for one day and can get me in asap; if not, then I will be carried once again on an airplane to my next doctor on the list hoping for an answer. I have an excellent feeling about the Cleveland Clinic, and I know they have already told me my situation is an emergency case. I realized a long time ago my life would never be the same; it would never be 6 days of exercise for 2-3 hours a day, riding a bike 150 miles a week, lifting weights twice a week, and doing kickboxing 3 times a week...I never thought I could give those things up because they had become such a big part of my life; now I realize my Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me, I'm still not sure what it is, but I want to be the instrument He expects me to be. The way I will accomplish whatever it is, I need to get my body healthy again, and I will. I always seem to forge forward, and I can do it with the FAITH, HOPE, AND PRAYERS of all my friends and family. Without them, I would not be able to accomplish any of my goals; I don't ever want to let people down or be less than I know I can be; that's just who I am. Because my life has been spared so many times, it tells me I have more to learn. I truly believe everything happens for a reason; Heavenly Father is not just going to throw us out to the lions and not have a plan for us--still, there are times when I  feel like there is nothing I can do but rely on Him, friends and family to pray for me. I agreed to come to earth and take a body, and that earth life would be a difficult task at times; I believe when Heavenly Father sees our pain, it must hurt him because He can take it all away; however, if he does that we will not grow and learn and share with others. My prayer tonight is to help me sleep, even if I cry. I will wake up in the morning preparing for a good plan from my doctors. Tomorrow will be a good day, one day closer to feeling the sunshine on my face again.

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Mastering the Mundane

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 2014

Mastering the Mundane

It looks nastier than it really is...it broke last night. Today, I'm happy--not for any other reason, but I'm Alive, I'm Free, I'm Me--I will keep waking up, and I was still Monya. Still here, the sun is shining through my bedroom window; I got up and walked out onto the balcony off my bedroom--I remember the day when I could look out there and see the Superstition mountains of Arizona. Although, they are more like hills, comparatively to the huge Mountains in other parts of the world and country. For us born and raised here in Az we love our mountains.

 I realize I am living this continual roller coaster, one month great, and 3 months not so great.  I am always constantly wondering; what am I not getting? What is it that I should be learning here? I've tried to run and hide, I've tried to ignore it, I've even tried to pretend this is just a big joke...jokes on me.

When Blake was in the Dominican Republic and I was enduring the treatments of chemo and radiation, I often times went in his room and knelt to pray, begging and pleading with the Lord to take my pain away, asking why my son had to be gone for so long, I just wanted one more hug from him, thinking back now I remember those days as daily trials, things were happening so quickly I had a ray of HOPE, knowing Blake was given a blessing by President Greer the night before he left for the MTC telling him if he remained obedient the Lord would bless our family, and that I would be here when he returned in 2 years. I thought when Blake came home, the trials would magically end...after all Blake did all he was asked to do. He was obedient, he had the best two years of his life, and our family felt the overwhelming power of the Priesthood and the Holy Ghost with us, we saw miracles happen with my health.   I had it all figured it out, and I prayed thanking Him for bringing my son home safely. Little did I know, my journey was just beginning. Have you ever had a beautiful heart break written and sung by Hilary Weeks? Whenever I hear that song, it is as if it was written fo me.  Every fear I had and every pain I felt I would pray he would take it all away--I never dreamed I would make it through, now that I'm here where I am right now still with sleepless nights and continual fear, I don't think I would ever trade any of that for anything, nothing I say or write can come close to explaining the emotions I have had through this beautiful heartbreak of mine.

He wore those CARS swim trunks all summer

I love this...Blake thank you

dirty like a boy...he knew Boston was #1

Why get a bowl, bonbon lets me eat from the carton...shhh don't tell mom

Recker would live at the ocean, he never tires of it

Just like Blake was, Recker loves the outdoors

school picture--I love it

Today Recker was here, and I watched him swim, no words were spoken I just wanted to watch his happiness, I wanted time to stand still so I could remember every minute every second of his laughter. This little angel boy has brought me such happiness, I just want to squeeze him, I hope he knows I love him so much; I would gladly take away his trial, to hear him say "I love you" to his mom and ad.  Every parent deserves to hear those words, but with Recker he shows his love in so many other ways--I have an open wound on my upper arm where the doctor took skin to graft into my ar.  Today, when Recker was swimming he  scratched his knee and he showed it to me, I blew on it gave him a hug and he was off to jump, splash and play.....when it was time for him to leave he clung to me, not wanting to leave, I bent down to hug him, it was then that he saw the sore on my arm, and in an innocent pure gesture he took my face in his hands stared into my eyes, trying to communicate he lifted his shorts up to show me his scratch, then he kissed my arm. He was trying to show me, we were both scarred with bruises--at that moment I couldn't explain the rush of emotions that came over me, this little boy knew how to enter my heart, fill up my eyes with joyful tears that seemed to flow so easily today. I felt like my heart was bursting to understand, I could not catch my breath enough to be able to say, "I Love You", he kissed my cheek and then my arm. He took me by the hand, and we walked to the car holding hands, I hugged him like it was the last day I would ever see him again.

I gave a testimonial at one of our Nerium meetings, usually, I am composed because I have learned to say when people ask how I am doing, "it couldn't be betterer" I'm grateful when I least expect it, the clouds part and a ray of light reminds me who I am and that God has heard every single prayer today was one of those days I think because I have been so desperate for answers, I learned today I have a purpose, something totally different than what I had expected--answers came clearly.  Standing and having an opportunity to explain my story and my "why" for being involved with this company, I listened to others who spoke before me, and each of us had a different "why" some for financial freedom, some for self-development, single worthy beautiful women sharing their struggles and wanting not only to be self-sufficient but to find fulfillment in helping others find their true potential and happiness.

 When it was my turn to speak, the walls were taken down,  it came from my soul, as I explained my "why" I began to cry (so much for composure), I looked around this room filled with people who are dedicated hard working men and women, my eyes were brought to Crissy Caufman and her sweet husband, I had no idea who they were a few months ago now I include them in my friendship circle I have found, Liz Decker, never knew her before, she's amazing, in the back Danny Jones gave me chills an impressive young man who understands the Atonement, understands life's struggles and teaches me more than he knows, Shelli Richardson who listened to the spirit a few months ago not knowing -- I too was praying for a change to  me.  So, my "why" is different than most in that room, trying to bring me out of a cancer Mayo Clinic-filled life, I've found a way to reconnect with old friends and make new lasting friends if I never become monetarily wealthy being amongst happy uplifting people with integrity helping others is helping to refine me as I go through the bitter and sweet.

 As crazy and strange as it seems, I have found another "why" Recker, he's one of my heroes, he has more love and sweetness in his little 4-year-old body than some 40 years old's I know. Some may not know what a difficult financial burden it can be on a family trying to raise a child with special needs. I would love to provide a home for them where this little guy can run outside and play, a place to call me.  If I can give this my all with Recker in mind, I will be able to achieve that all. I will never give up, I just need to learn how to master the mundane -- showing up, doing my part, and then doing it again the next day--for every no I get a little closer to a yes, so I try not to take it personally and recognize it as a learning experience.  The joy I will feel when those dreams become real is REAL. It is going to happen...So did anyHappenrnthing today, yes, a big YES, nothing thatgiantdidn't already know but some things I have forgotten to tap into...remember two things I am blond, so it takes longer to sink in... haha and,  He always sends His love it has given me HOPE in the darkness and helped me back into the light, I've been blessed to see that the give and take are exactly what we all need to help us become who He wants us to be, as He allows those trials to strengthen us, I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year will bring fo me.  Something extraordinary is about ready to surprise even me; I can do anything with Him on my team.

Mastering the Mundane

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 2014

Mastering the Mundane

It looks nastier than it really is..it broke last night.

Today I'm happy--not for any other reason but just because I'm Alive, I'm Free, I'm Me--I woke up, and I was still Monya. Still here, the sun is shining through my bedroom window; I got up and walked out onto the balcony off of my bedroom--I remember the day when I could look out there and see the Superstition mountains of Arizona. Although, they are more like hills, comparatively to the huge Mountains in other parts of the world or country. For us born and raised here in Az, we love our mountains.

 I realize I am living on this continual roller coaster, one month is great, and 3 months not so great. I am always constantly wondering, what am I not getting? What is it that I should be learning here? I've tried to run and hide, I've tried to ignore it, I've even tried to pretend this is just a big joke.... jokes on me.

When Blake was in the Dominican Republic, and I was enduring the treatments of chemo and radiation, I often times went into his room and knelt to pray, begging and pleading with the Lord to take my pain away, asking why my son had to be gone for so long, I just wanted one more hug from him, thinking back now I remember those days as daily trials, things were happening so quickly I had a ray of HOPE, knowing Blake was given a blessing by President Greer the night before he left for the MTC telling him if he remained obedient the Lord would bless our family, and that I would be here when he returned in 2 years. I thought when Blake came home, the trials would magically end. Blake did all he was asked to do. He was obedient, had the best two years of his life, and our family felt the overwhelming power of the Priesthood and the Holy Ghost with us; we saw miracles happen with our health.  I had it all figured out, and I prayed to thank Him for bringing my son home safely. Little did I know, my journey was just beginning. Have you ever had a beautiful heartbreak? Whenever I hear that song, it is as if it was written for me. Every fear I had and every pain I felt, I would pray he would take it all away--I never dreamed I would make it through; now that I'm here where I am right now,, still with sleepless nights and continual fear, I don't think I would ever trade any of that for anything, nothing I say or write can come close to explaining the emotions I have had through this beautiful heartbreak of mine.

He wore those CARS swim trunks all summer.

I love this...Blake thank you

Dirty like a boy...he knew Boston was #1

 

Why get a bowl? Bonbon lets me eat from the carton...shhh don't tell mom.

Recker would live in the ocean; he never tires of it.

Just like Blake, Recker loves the outdoors.

School picture--I love it

Today Recker was here,, and I watched him swim; no words were spoken. I just wanted to protect his happiness; I wanted time to stand still so I could remember every second of his laughter. This little angel boy has brought me such joy; I just want to squeeze him; I hope he knows I love him so much; I would gladly take away his trial to hear him say "I love you" to his mom and da   Every parent deserves to listen to those words, but Recker, he shows his love in so many other ways--I have an open wound on my upper arm where the doctor took the skin to graft into my ear. Today, when Recker was swimming, he scratched his knee, and he showed it to me; I blew on it, gave him a hug, and he was off to jump, splash and play.....when it was time for him to leave, he clung to me, not wanting to go, I bent down to hug him, it was then that he saw the sore on my arm, and in an pure innocent gesture he took my face in his hands stared into my eyes,  trying to communicate he lifted his shorts up to show me his scratch, then he kissed my ar . He was trying to show me we are both scarred with bruises--at that moment, I can't explain the rush of emotions that came over me; this little boy knew how to enter my heart, fill up my eyes with joyful tears that seemed to flow so quickly today. I felt like my heart was bursting to understand; I could not catch my breath enough to say, "I Love You"; he kissed my cheek and then my arm again. He took me by the hand, and we walked to the car holding hands; I hugged him like it was the last day I would ever see him again.

Usually, I am composed and I have learned to say when people ask how I am doing, "couldn't be better" Having this moment with Recker today, a reality was made clear to me, we are a forever family, we are not without trials, every family has them, they manifest themselves in different ways from family to family, but none of us are without problems. I'm grateful when I least expect it, the clouds part, and a ray of light reminds me who I am and that God has heard every single prayer, Heaven surprises me constantly when I least expect it...today was one of those days I think because I have been so desperate for answers, I learned today I have a purpose, something totally different than what I had expected--answers came clear.

As crazy and strange as it seems, I have found another reason to live Recker; he's one of my heroes; he has more love and sweetness in his little 4-year-old body than some 40 years old's I know. Some may not know the difficult financial burden it can be on a family trying to raise a child with special needs. 

So, did I learn anything today? Yes, a big YES, nothing that I didn't already know but some things I have forgotten to tap into. remember 2 things I am blond so it takes longer to sink in...haha and,  He always sends His love it has given me HOPE in the darkness and helped me back into the light, I've been blessed to see that the give and take are precisely what we all need to help us become who He wants us to be, as He allows those trials to strengthen us, I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year will bring for me. Something unique is about ready to surprise even me, I can do anything with Him on my team.