A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2014

A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

Today I received a dose of reality, well I think it was a reality I have a tough time distinguishing between reality and rudeness these days. I am trying my hardest to be OK with living with a disfigured odd-looking face, potentially for the rest of my life.

 I have good days and bad. In my face, directly confronted with these words today "Hey Monya, I'm sorry to hear about your recent surgery" "Thank you, but I am doing well, and glad to be back to work" "....uhh I was just wondering, do you think you could get plastic surgery on your other eye to create some symmetrical lines?" Seriously, being put on the spot like that was about as uncomfortable as being drunk in church.  I had no idea what to say, after a little hesitation my response was "... I would not, actually I WILL not have elective surgery, which was my 21st surgery in 5 years, I've had five this year, and thought I would lose my life.  I honestly do not care about what my face looks like anymore" "Well you take good care of your skin, it looks good. Except for the right side is a little off-centered from the rest........" interjecting I couldn't help myself "I have to stop you right there, I can't listen to this anymore, I am not trying to be rude, and I'm quite sure you have great intentions and that you are not meaning to insult me, but this has been one of the most difficult years of my life. The fact that I am alive, back to work, and trying my best to be OK with myself; not the physical me but who I am. The parts of inner beauty I have never seen or known I could possess has been a long ongoing process." The tears started to well up, which really ticked me off because I was trying so hard to stay composed. ...Since the facial paralysis, I have cried myself to sleep more nights than I care to share. I'm working hard at Living Happy and by giving myself daily affirmations that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, and that I can hold my head high knowing I am trying my hardest with all I have inside of me to face people and respect myself, no matter what my physical appearance is" she considered what had just been said and apologized for offending me. Why couldn't it just end at that? Oh no ... I started to walk off and she uttered "I just thought you would want to know, there are plastic surgeons out there who can help you."

I walked off acting as if I didn't hear her last comment.  I wish I could say a huge shield of honor came up between her and me but, as much as I didn't want this to affect me, it did.  When I got off work, I went home and looked at my face in the mirror, and like I do every day I told my damn lips to smile, I worked it for 30 minutes-- it was funny--my dang mouth didn't even try--I had to push my lip up repeatedly.  I did that, saying "Smile dang it ..."  Well guess what? I can only smile with one side of my mouth, and I can only lift one eyebrow, but I can listen with my heart even with a deaf ear, and I can smile with my eyes.  So, until, and if my smile never comes back, I will continue to work on true happiness in my life, surround myself with others who are authentically compassionate and kind, and tomorrow I will try again.

I'm Trying ...

 

I'm trying...

I have missed a few blog posts so today I will post three.  First, I went to Cleveland Clinic, had my surgery with Doctor Gustman, then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him... "You made a mistake on your blog, which was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the miss count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" So there you have it, yes, I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life-altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down-to-earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone in conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes and learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it, and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (This is not the case she had about eight hundred people on that call) I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Gracefully and gently, she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, and who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 months that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful in doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person and to learn that when I fall, I can be lifted and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be led and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where, or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of nowhere he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked, "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to, and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" A little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for complete physical healing.  I have felt broken, alone, and misunderstood. To finally say aloud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physicians have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficulty was?

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful" for some reason that ".... but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul, is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Making Connections

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2014

Making Connections

Ford Trimotor 

Today while working at USAirways, I received an incoming call from the cutest couple. They were each on the phone line, one in the kitchen, and one in the bedroom. They made a reservation with me, and the gentleman asked me what aircraft it was; I told him it was a CRJ. Then he told me a story about when he was around twelve (born in 1928). He and his friends were playing in a farmer's harvest, and the owner approached the boys and asked them if they would like to spin in his Ford Trimotor airplane. He said to me, "I don't think I ever did tell my parents that story" When I asked him if it was because he thought he would be in trouble, his response was so sweet; he said, "no, I knew they would not be upset, I didn't tell them because I didn't want them to be sad knowing they would never in their lifetime have the opportunity to fly" His wife was on the other end of the phone with the kindest voice saying "Oh darling, we need to let this girl get to work"  I loved to hear her laugh, while I was preparing their itinerary they were talking as if I couldn't listen to them. It reminded me of Vi and Ray--I asked them how long they had been married, and they laughed; both were so cute. He said he was around sixty-eight, but they had known each other since childhood.
This was such a polite conversation; I loved it so much because they had no idea what I looked like; a voice on the other end of the phone was kind and considerate, as they were with me also.

They were going to the funeral of their son. " I'm so sorry; it must be a difficult situation to have your son pass away before you do," she said "no, he was old,  lived a good life, and was struggling with cancer the past few years, so we are glad he is no more pain, I wouldn't mind visiting him soon"  Then they laughed again....under normal circumstances I would have felt uncomfortable, and wondered what to say to that, but I didn't I fully understood.

This has been a tough week for me, I never thought It would matter to me what people think about my face, but it does. I went to a Spanish-speaking meeting with one of my partners. Have you ever felt like someone was looking at you? You know the feeling I'm talking about; you want to look back at them to see if your feeling was right. I did; I looked at these two women who were talking about me in Spanish; I know this because the older woman looked at me and whispered something to her daughter (it was her daughter, not cheerful). Then they both looked at me, and the mother made this extraordinary face; again, they both looked at me. At that very moment, I was more vulnerable than I had ever felt. I could not concentrate on the speaker after that happened; some of that was because it was entirely in Spanish. I wanted to leave, but I didn't. I stood tall and made it through. I don't see any changes in my face, and I know when I smile, it is crooked, so it looks different. I love to laugh and smile--that has been temporarily taken away from me.

I know I will never look the same; I can recover and reprogram my brain, but I will re-form into a different person--hopefully better, stronger, and happier than I have ever been. I trust in the Lord and his plan for me; it's so hard on days like today when the reality of how I look is slammed in my face by others. I have a new journey that I can recover from. Hopefully, one day I will be on the other end of a phone conversation making a reservation and be able to smile with my heart as this couple did.

LABELS: CANCER, JOURNALING, LIVE HAPPY, USAIRWAYS 

Back To Work

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2014

Back to Work

I decided to go back to work; my doctors in Cleveland would have wanted me to wait a bit longer, but I couldn't sit around. I look in the mirror and I am still not ready to accept what I see; I really thought I was. Last week I finished my work; it was a difficult transition, and my eye continued to be annoyed. Cleveland Clinic PA told me to massage the lower lid to strengthen the muscle; I have been doing that, but still, it waters constantly to the point of not being able to see out of my right eye. Mayo Clinic says I have chronic dry eye, which is weird since it always waters. They are trying to fit me in this week. Work was challenging; my foot was so swollen by the end of each day, I had a tough time getting my shoes on. I tried to spend the weekend elevating it; I don't have a vital education about how nerves all I know is it takes a year for things to truly heal. If this last surgery did not work, this is what is next. They will make an incision from my hairline, ear to ear, pull back my face, take the nerve from the left side, and attach it to the right side, then wait another year.

Being at work, I felt vulnerable as I walked into the building; I usually like to smile and greet people with a happy attitude. Alot of people did not recognize me with my short hair and odd-looking face. I even had someone ask if I gained all my weight while I was gone...Yes, I did...I was on two different steroids and ballooned up a bit. I am now off them and back to my regular eating habits to get back to my average weight. When others notice, then it must be a noticeable change.

I am always amazed at what my brain can retain, and what takes time to recall. My job at US Airways is in the International Reservations Department. There is a lot of information most people take for granted that they know how to do. I've realized, since being back, how amazing my brain is. Reactivating those brain cells and muscles, I have not used for a few months, is slowly coming back without having to look at my notes.

I am struggling to keep my spirits up and stay positive. One way I do this is to continue to read an enjoyable book every day for 30 minutes...this gives me HOPE in my purpose in life. It is so easy to wonder "why" when that happens; I have to get on my knees and say, "thank you for this trial,  I am trying so hard to understand; please give me guidance and strength to know what to do, now that it is done there is not much I can do to change it, but now it is time for reality and for me to live with it, I accept that, but please help me along the way, give those nudges of the spirit when I am bombarded with doubt." 

I marvel at my ignorance; I once thought I had all I could deal with as a youth, and that my Heavenly Father had given me quite a challenge to overcome, and when I finally did and was able to truly forgive and move forward, I just knew that was it for me ... If I could overcome that, I would be left alone for life... no more trials. He really does give us what He knows we can handle, but He is also trying to teach me something through all this. I had a dream that allowed me to see and was explicitly told that I have a purpose here on earth; it's just so hard to grasp what I've been asked to do and not say, "why? Why me? I try to believe that I am of infinite worth and that I should be saying "why not" Maybe because I know all my faults and know the things I need to work on, I am not a particular person, no different than anyone else, the world is filled with people who are struggling. A part of me wants to negotiate my way out of this one.

I dropped my BIG girl panties today

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2014

I dropped my big girl panties today

I was at work, and I could feel my ear draining, trickling out and down my neck--I quickly wiped it off with a tissue, hoping no one would see it. I don't want to put a cotton ball in it because it needs air; it needs circulation; I do remember Dr. Barrs saying, "there is no circulation in your ear," which seems weird to me because most of us move our heads quite a bit during a 24-hour day. I am still trying to process all this. I am barely functioning, yet I seem to be getting things done.

For a few minutes today, I dropped my big girl panties drop. As much as I tried, I just could not wrap my head around saying "yes" to another surgery--I promised myself I was not going to do this again--I'm once again asking, "what do I need to learn?" "What is it that I am not getting?" I have come further than I ever thought I could; when Heavenly Father tells me, "You can do it," I just believe I can...and I do it.

Today, I had to walk into Us Airways once again and fill out medical leave forms--legal forms--I despise them; it's such a process, and this sounds trivial but writing out once again on a form letter--my diagnosis--my estimated days away from work brought me to tears. I love my job at UsAirways; I love my supervisor Diana; she has been patient, kind, and compassionate with me throughout my journey. When I regained my trust that I was healed and ready to move forward, I got slammed into surgery again. I have had my doubt replaced with truth, and my fears have been replaced with trust; I know the Lord takes just what he thinks I can handle, and this time, I trust he will make me wholly healed.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN LAST WEEK

On Monday, I headed to Mayo Clinic again, only this time I was planning to drive myself there since Eric has a meeting on Mondays I didn't want him to miss; he takes pride in his work and loves Jeff Blandford. I waited to tell him I was having surgery until Sunday night, the night before the surgery. I told him I had it all worked out and that he could go to his meeting and come to the hospital whenever he was ready. My friend Marian Priday drove me, when we
arrived at Mayo Clinic, checked in, and waited. Finally, they called my name, I went back and got dressed, IV in, and ready with a little extra for my nerves. Marian came back and talked to me while we waited 5 hours. That is precisely why I don't like to bring people with me; I hate for them to have to wait. However, I was so grateful to have Marian there with me; she is not only a great friend, visiting teacher, and example of compassion and integrity, but she's also is pretty dang funny. She waited until they finally rolled me back to surgery, blew me a kiss, and off I went.

Thank You, Marian, for being with me

My new tattoo? No, just the magic marker from Dr. Barrs

Headed off to the OR

When I woke up in recovery, Eric was there; he said Dr. Barr's told him that because the surgery before mine took too much time, he could not do all that he had expected to do. He grafted some skin from my arm again and placed it inside my ear to help with the bleeding. He told Eric I would have another surgery, but I was not sure when. I love Dr. Barr and am grateful he has been so patient with me and my ear issues; he has not given up yet, and we will get it all taken care of eventually.

What it feels like to have a Stroke

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2013

What it feels like to have a Stroke

When you hear of someone having a TIA, this is a mini-stroke:
A transient ischemic attack (TIA) is a "mini-stroke" from a temporary blockage. Although a TIA doesn't cause permanent brain damage, it may cause stroke warning signs, which may last minutes or even hours. Think of this as a warning sign you shouldn't ignore.

On Friday, July21st I got up and told Eric I was getting a migraine headache. I went to work at Us Airways, and the headache got more intense, and my speech was slurred. I was embarrassed to speak on the phone with passengers because it sounded like I was stuttering. I was trying to get the words out; I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but the brain and the mouth were not communicating with each other.  I take great pride in the fact that I have a very good record with Us Airways not calling in sick or never being late since the day I started. --To most people, it's no big deal, but for me, it's an accomplishment.  Well on this day, July 21st, my headache continued as I spoke with passengers, I took migraine medicine and nothing was working, I simply packed up all my things and left.  On my way home Kaitlyn called and wanted to know if I would like to go to a movie with her and Brian and Blake, I remember that my speech was slurred, but did not think it was as bad as my kids were making it sound.
I drove to the wrong place. By the time I got to where Kailtyn was the right side of my face was completely numb--Blake called Eric, and he told him to get me to the closest ER.  I said "no, I'm fine I just have a headache and need to lay down" Blake then drove me to my primary care doctor who immediately told Blake to get me to the ER asap.  I cannot explain how frustrating it is to want to communicate. Still, the words were not coming out--I was confused and disoriented--The ER doctor was really upsetting me because he was asking about my thyroid, and I was trying to explain it to him. But he kept on telling me I must be confused, that my thyroid was incapable of going from hyper to hypo or the other way around--he said it was physically impossible--NO IT IS NOT--especially if you have Hashimoto's-- I was diagnosed with it a year ago.  I was sent home that night and told to see my neurologist at Mayo asap. I did on the following Monday. I took the films from the ER, plus the films from my last MRI and the new one the doctor did at Mayo, and it was confirmed a TIA.  The stroke I had was an ischemic stroke caused by a blood clot.  A hemorrhagic stroke is caused by bleeding in the brain. Most people die from a hemorrhagic stroke.  Stroke is the 3rd leading cause of death behind heart disease and cancer. If you think someone has had a stroke have them, say a simple sentence for you, raise their hands above their head, and ask them to smile. Call 911 if they have a problem doing any of these.
I have a family history of strokes from my father's side of the family.  To be honest, I have had the right side of my face go numb so many times since my late 20s, but I never thought anything about it.  Since I've had cancer, I am alerted to everything that happens in my body, I'm not paranoid, but I do react when something does not go away.  
I now take medicine daily to help with the TIA's. I have had a couple since that day, but nothing serious.  I think the scariest part of all this, is me driving while this was all going on.  I also did not realize I had left an hour early from work, I have never done anything like that in my life, and did not realize I had done it until I returned to work a few days later--My manager, knowing what had happened to me was so great to just erase that little error from my file--I love working for US Airways they have always been really good with me.  
Although it was a scary event, I'm glad I had my family to help take care of me and had previously told them if any of these warnings happened no matter what I said, that they were to get me to the nearest 
ER--now I know that Mayo has a stroke unit, and if it happens again, I will be heading there.

Bucket Lists--Are They Overrated?

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2013

Bucket lists--are they Overrated?

So, I was reading back on some of the posts I wrote about making a bucket list, and I came across this one, written in July of 2010. I wrote in one of the lines that the list may change...I was correct...
***********************************************************************************
 This was written in July of 2010
I was going to call it a bucket list, but I was thinking' that makes it sound like I think I might die soon, and I don't. So, it is going to just be my 'TO DO" LIST.... things I would like to do before I die .... someday, they are in no particular order, and I realize over the years it may change, but for today in 2010 this is it:

1. Go to Paris with Eric .... This has been a lifelong dream he took the girls a few years ago (daddy-daughter trip) Done ✔
2. Take my entire family to Nauvoo and back to the sacred grove
3. Serve a mission
4. Visit Savannah, Georgia and eat at Paula Deans restaurant Done ✔
5. Run a Marathon
6. Give more than I have been given (not sure if this is even possible)
7. Write a book (another lifelong dream) Done ✔
8. Learn to play tennis (I don't even know the rules)
9. Learn to use my camera on manual
10. Attend the Olympics (anywhere)
11. Visit Tahti...Bora Bora  Done ✔

********************************************************************************

The checks next to each thing mean we or I have done it since writing this list.  It is September 2013, and my perspective is completely different than it was back then.  I have come to realize to-do lists and bucket lists are fun and interesting to talk about and do but are most certainly not the most important in my life. None of us know what our Heavenly Father has in store for us.  For me, and this is just my opinion for my life and the experiences I have been through--the very most important things are not necessarily things. They are the people in my life and how I spend my time with them, how I serve, and if by chance I get the opportunities to travel, I should use each moment to enjoy my life and share my knowledge (which really is not much) serve those in need when I can.  I really don't think when I die and get to wherever I am going, the Lord is going to say to me, "well done Miss Monya, let's look at your bucket list and see what you got done" I believe the conversation will be more like 

"Sister Monya, have you fulfilled all of your callings to the best of your ability, have you listened to the spirit and served others? Did you care for the sick and the needy? Did you love and serve your family? Did you forgive those who have offended you? Did you say sorry to those who you have offended? Did you take every opportunity to share the gospel with others? Have you kept all the covenants you made with me in the Temple? How did you treat and love your husband? 
Don't get me wrong, I still would like to run a marathon--chances are--I won't--but it won't keep me from Heaven--my book is this blog--I don't have the time to learn how to use a camera on manual and don't really know if I care anymore--tennis is fun, again won't keep me from heaven. Olympics? really? love to do that, but chances are it's a dream--and won't keep me from Heaven--Bora Bora--been there--still not going to heaven because of it.
So, I think do lists are good? YES, a bucket list is interesting and fun, YES but not necessary--the most magical trip I ever took was the one I went to Paris with Eric on. Nothing will ever beat that--it was all I expected and more--my heart was in a good place at that time. I needed that trip to help me believe in life again--NOW, my priorities and lists are much different.
And just so you know, if I did not work for USAirways, we would not be able to make any of these trips we have done. We fly for free and get a tremendous discount on cruises and hotels--I do not take any of those blessings in my life for granted, and I am grateful for all those memories I have created for my children--but sometimes, "things" just don't matter anymore, salvation and being a good person is what I want to attain. 

Moorea Days 5,6 & 7

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2013

Moorea days 5, 6 & 7

Monday morning, woke up said my prayers no scriptures, I can't figure out how to read them on my phone--I like the books better--I like to mark them and return to read dates I have entered and remember what was happening in my life--I don't think you can do that on a phone--besides when Eric's dad passed away all the kids wanted his scriptures--so call me old fashioned but I'm stickin to the hard covers--ha ha--maybe a good excuse this time to not read on vacation--I thought I would be able to do it on my phone but after an hour I gave up--
Eric and I went to breakfast. There is no doubt I will be going on a crash diet when I get home, I have not eaten this much in 3 years.  I'm trying to eat all the fresh fruit possible, but it also has some aftereffects on my body.  I've decided there is most definitely a reason Tahitians are such large people--they eat, and they eat a lot.

Today we had no plans, we got our swimsuits on knowing we would be in water at some point. We then went to the activities center where we decided our activities for the day. The beach we wanted to go to is called Coco Beach and we soon found out it was closed today. So as Eric does what he does best, walking around talking to everyone, in whatever language he could, I sat in a lounge chair, hat on, listening to music and enjoying the scenery.  Soon Eric came back and said, "Monya come with me, hurry fast" my first thought was "oh boy, I'm in trouble when he is this excited it is usually something to scare me" I fear sharks, and snakes--good news there are no snakes on Tahiti Islands.  He had signed me up with a trainer to swim with a dolphin--seriously?  No WAY--I met with the trainer, and felt much better, it was a controlled environment, and these dolphins were raised in captivity, the only deciding factor for me was that I could see through the crystal-clear water and knew exactly what swimming around me would be. I was proud of myself, and I could see the smile on Eric's face as I entered the water with a dolphin, a real live dolphin. I played with him, touched him, swam with him, and even kissed him--it was incredible--I overcame an excessively big fear today.

Huge step in life for me---I never thought I had the courage

Isn't he cute?

Later we went to dinner at a small place called Snacks Mahala, I had fresh Maui Maui-I was not really impressed it was a little mushy for me.  Eric had fresh tuna with coconut milk & rice a traditional Tahitian meal, he said it was good, but honestly, I don't think Eric would ever say if it was bad. I did get a little sunburned today and I got a text from Dr. PK, he wanted to tell me in person, but didn't want to wait for someone else to tell me either--(Heather did) he got a couple of offers to work in North Carolina, he is leaving November 1st. My heart is broken, I will miss him, he will always be a part of my life, and I know he is doing what is best for his little family. I couldn't help but think about what a huge influence he has had in my life, helping not only get through my treatments with the Villain but in other ways I can never explain.  We will be forever friends no matter where he lives, he has a great family, we will just have to visit him and his family. I hope Heather goes with him, she needs a fresh start in her life, new surroundings, and her true love is waiting for her.

Tonight, when we got back to our bungalow to watch the sun go down, we were able to face time the kids and Eric's brother Kurt who served his mission in Tahiti.  It was fun sharing some of his memories, I've always had a special love for Kurt, he and his mom had a special bond.

Tuesday Day 6
Woke up to the beautiful sunrise and mesmerizing blue ocean, said my prayers, no scriptures but tried to read a little bit of the Miracle of Forgiveness online--still a chore for me.  Throughout the day, I pondered on the beauty of this place, how blessed I am to be here, not only because I work for the Airlines and it allows us to do these fun things together, but also to be alive, to be sharing memories my children will take with them when I am gone--this is why I write my journal and blog my thoughts--for them and my grand-kids and hopefully their grand kids.
Well today is going to be one that will go down in history--Eric signed us up for a boat ride to see the stingrays, I've done it once before with my children, didn't like it then and am not happy about it today. I know how much Eric loves the water and the sea life, so we went, I wanted him to have a wonderful experience.  I only like ocean water if I can see the bottom, I like to see what is lurking around my feet. Our tour guide today is Siki, he was born and raised here on this Island. He looks and talks like he is from Jamaica, we thoroughly enjoyed him and his humor. 

On this tour we had about twenty people on the boat, Siki was so good about explaining the history of the Island. When we arrived at the stingrays, Eric forgot to tell me there would also be sharks swimming around. There was NO WAY I was getting in that water. --Eric was one of the first to get in. I took a ton of pictures and he was having so much fun, but my heart was pounding because I knew he was going to encourage me with the help of Siki to enter the water and enjoy the moment--sure enough--they urged me inch my inch into the water--he took me by the hand, I was in shark infested waters--me, the one who swore "if I don't get in the ocean I won't get eaten" my entire body was in shock, I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack. I wondered why I didn't get warned to bring some Xanex. I have had to train my mind over the past couple of years to tune out the bad and focus on the good, in every situation. 

BAD-sharks swimming & surrounding me, we're not talking about a few there were 100's 

GOOD- I did it and I'm alive.

I got comfortable with the stingrays, I rubbed a piece of fish on its nose, and it would just follow gracefully through the water following me, but being a mother, I wanted to kiss him and rub his neck at the same time--

FACT--they have no neck, their mouth is where my finger went and he sucked it hard, I screamed out loud, it hurt-it was my fault, but it was enough for me, I got back in the boat.  We all got back in the boat and went to a secluded beach where Siki taught us how to make ceviche, grilled maui maui, grilled chicken, rice, pineapple, and coconut.  It was another wonderful day of exploration and breaking through some fears.

Tonight, Eric shared something with me, he said his mother was like me, afraid of the water, she too always waited to see the bottom. I smiled, I loved this that he shared with me, if there were any woman in the world, I would gladly have anything in common with-it would-be Viola Williams--I love her.

Me and the stingray--who sucked my finger

black tip sharks everywhere--Supposedly not dangerous

Me and Siki--he was proud of me

 

Last Sunset in Moorea

 Wednesday day 7
Today we must be gone from our bungalow by four. I miss my children and grandchildren so much. This morning Eric and I took a kayak out to where the sharks and stingrays were, he wanted to get one more look. It was a peaceful ride both in harmony with our ores as we synchronized them to make sure we were heading in the right direction; at one point we got caught on some coral and Eric had to get out of the Kayak and lift us out to help us get going in the right direction.  As I thought about that later, it is so much like life, sometimes even our marriage we have gotten off the path we are supposed to be on both wanting the same goal but both getting there in a different direction. The Lord lifts us and helps us to get back on track, so many times HE has helped me get back on track, if there is one sure thing I know, it is that Heavenly Father loves every one of his children, it brings great sorrow to him to see his children struggle. We sometimes forget the straight and narrow way can never be done without the help of the spirit constantly in our lives.  There have been times I have felt "Oh I really blew it this time,  all my chances of getting back on track are gone, I need more patience, I need to be more kind, compassionate and just a little more like HIM" I am so grateful we have chances to change, even the best of people make mistakes and need a hand or prayer to help get them back on the straight and narrow way--I pray I can be that person for someone I love, as I have felt it in my life from others who have lifted me up and comforted me even when they knew I was not where I needed to be spiritually in my life.

Day 4 and 5 in Moorea

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2013

Day 4 and 5 in Moorea

Day 4 Sunday in Moorea--

after our scout out of the Island we found the church, we wanted to attend today--the only branch on the Island--every song, every lesson and prayer is done in both Tahitian and French--I loved it--Eric Loved it--On this Island there is one branch and two buildings. How blessed I feel to belong to a religion so strong in its roots.  We were able to make a short drive of 10-15 minutes, along the way I saw a young man walking in a white shirt and tie, and told Eric we should give him a ride....slight hesitation on his part, but he turned around and we tried to talk to him in French, but soon found out he was deaf-I saw his Priesthood manual and signed out our names and that we were going to the Mormon Church if he wanted a ride. We were of course greeted by each member with a kiss on each cheek and they say, "Yo raw na" (hello, or good day) 

Before the Sacrament started, the brother on the left below stood and introduced us to the branch by name and where we were from...big smiles and stares from everyone, mostly because I was the only blond fare skinned person in the room. As soon as the meeting began my thoughts went to Stephen Phelps who plays the organ in our ward in Arizona, I have never felt the spirit testify to me through music like his does, but today hearing it with my eyes shut listening with my heart was incredible. They sing the melody in French and Tahitian. In fact, the entire meeting was done in French and Tahitian. Today in Sacrament there were seventy-eight people in attendance (yes, I counted) don't judge me please----The speaker spoke about missionary work; he said if the spirit is constantly with you than sharing the gospel should come easy. Simple enough, Christ is a constant in our lives his promises are real they never change, when we strive to keep our promises to live as he did the spirit will testify to us and will lead us in the right direction--never failing. 

After the Sacrament meeting was over, we divided into Tahitian classes and French class for Sunday School. During Sunday School, we met another Teri Larsen, she reminded me so much of sister Larsen in my home ward. She walked in took a seat from the front row since all the rest were taken then she said in French, "if you come in last you always end up on the 1st row, except for me, I take a chair and sit in the back". Eric started laughing and I asked what she said, we both looked at each other and said endearingly Teri Larsen!  During Sunday School I could hear across the way on the other side of the building the Primary children singing in French "If you chance to meet a frown" it brought tears to my eyes, the gospel is so constant, no matter where you are in the world it stays the same, the gospel does not change, even the music.  The Priesthood meeting was in Tahitian and brother Wilford said for us it would be better to leave, at 1st I was  put back by that, but Eric said he explained in French it is hard for the French speaking to understand and he thought we would not get much from it, well Eric anyway----and for me I wanted to go to Relief Society, I don't care if I don't know the language, to me I feel it in my heart. This was a good day; we went back to the bungalow and watched a movie called FIREPROOF--I HIGHLY RECOMMEND EVERY NEWLY MARRIED OR MARRIED COUPLE TO WATCH THIS AS A FAMILY.  We ate dinner, knelt, and had prayer and went to sleep ready for Monday to start another adventure.

Happiest people on the earth, we decided to go to the
branch. Interesting they sing the Hymns in both
Tahitian and French

This is the baptismal Font

So happy to see us--Happier to see them

Four Years and Counting

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3, 2013

Four years and Counting

It's been 4 years now, this week, since I sat in the quiet, dark doctor's office with Eric by my side and heard those terrible words, "YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER"  WOW, time seems to creep up on me. I feel like sometimes it was yesterday we listened to those words, and then sometimes, when I think about what has transpired in our lives since that date, it seems so long ago.   I have to dedicate this blog to my family, who has stood by my side through this entire journey, and I realize this has been their journey too. Blake left for his mission for 2 years, came home, and got married. Kaitlyn and Brian married, lived in Utah, and moved back to Arizona. Kayla and Jeremy have had 2 boys born into their family, and Haleigh married Scott Bigelow. Look at all these blessings the Lord has allowed me to witness, I am so happy I have lived to see all of this, and I have faith I will live a long life, long enough to see all my grandchildren born, and I'm pretty sure we will have lots and lots of grandchildren---right? Kayla and Jeremy? Blake and Chloe? Kaitlyn and Brian? Haleigh and Scott?

 I don't think about cancer as much as I used to. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my body would or could go through what it has been through. I was prideful and always thought, "I am healthy, I eat right, I exercise,  I will never have health issues. After all, I went from 1st grade through high school with perfect attendance in school and seminary. The 1st time I ever threw up in my life was when I was giving birth to my 1st baby during the transitional part of childbirth. My sisters both have health issues, Eric will die long before I do, and I need to keep myself in good  condition so I can be around to take care of my kids when he does."

It makes me want to throw up--what the heck was I thinking? Yes, it's good to keep yourself healthy and exercise when you can, but I was seriously way off the map on this one. My family has terrible health issues, autoimmune diseases that I can't even spell, cancer up the kazoo--every kind you can think of, arthritis, thyroid issues, and so on. Eric's family is somewhat different. His mother died of breast cancer, but as far as we know, she is the only one on her side, and Eric's dad and siblings had heart problems, but all lived well into their 80s.

I'm aware of my body now more than I ever have been in my life. I feel when something is wrong--crossing my fingers on that one-- The only thing I'm unsure of is what part of my aches and pains are from getting older and what is from family genes. Running a marathon and crossing the finish line does not replay in my mind over and over anymore. When I see other people doing it, especially people I know and love,  it makes me smile instead of frown :}  For me, life is more beautiful than it ever has been. There is so much to look forward to, so much to still learn, places to go, and people to meet. Life is just beginning--many, many more rainbows to chase.....