Something Amazing

MONDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2014

Something Amazing

THIS WEEK, I RECEIVED EMAILS ASKING ME TO EXPLAIN MORE ABOUT PAST POSTS. WILL EXPLAIN NOW.

I HAVE BEEN DEAF IN MY RIGHT EAR FOR 48 YEARS DUE TO A BLOW TO THE HEAD AT AGE THREE; FROM MY BIRTHFATHER (COLBY); IT HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME EAR I'VE HAD MULTIPLE SURGERIES ON THIS YEAR. 

MY LEFT EAR IS MY 'GOOD' EAR. EVEN THOUGH THE BAHA IMPLANT IS ON THE RIGHT SIDE, IT TRANSMITS SOUNDS WAVES TO THE GOOD EAR ON THE LEFT TO IMPROVE MY HEARING. MY RIGHT EAR IS NOW COMPLETELY EMPTY, WITH NO INNER CANAL, NO EARDRUM, NO NOTHING; THE DOCTOR TOOK SKIN FROM MY HEAD AND MADE A NEW-LOOKING EAR FOR ME.

Today, something unique happened to me. I had appointments at Mayo Clinic, and I met with Kelly Conroy in the ENT department to have my Baha hearing device finally connected to the implant. I was not prepared for what would happen; I usually go to Mayo Clinic without thinking much about why I'm there or who I am supposed to see; I just don't let my mind think about it unless I'm going to the third floor then I need to prepare myself.

I have met with Kelly before for hearing tests and to be fitted for my Baha, but it's been a year since my implant was placed, and so much has happened since then. The Baha has not been on my mind. Today, I was blessed with a Tender Mercy from Heavenly Father, which I needed. I now have a new person to love at Mayo Clinic, I will never forget today, and I am so grateful Kelly Conroy was the one I shared this moment with; she was so compassionate and loving.

Kelly placed the device on my implant and then adjusted her computer to customize the hearing device to my needs. What happened next was amazing; I wish I had it on video, or Eric could have shared it. I could hear everything clearly and crisply when Kelly activated the device. I smiled, and we sat and talked for a while so she could make sure everything was working well. We both cried as I explained some of my emotions this year. This was not even the impressive part. Once I got to my car, I could not believe the sounds.

 
I opened the door to get in the front seat, and when I started the car, my music was so loud I quickly turned it down, smiled, and backed the car up--and the sound of putting the car in reverse was something I had never heard. 

As I drove down the beeline highway, I noticed a man walking; I pulled over and asked him if he needed help. He assured me he had AAA on their way and thanked me. I wondered, "why is he talking so loud?" I was overcome with emotion; I had to pull the car over a few miles away, get out and walk through the wildflowers; never had I seen anything more beautiful. I looked at the sky, brilliant blue with fluffy white clouds, and cried. I heard a bird chirp; it was beautiful. I thought I knew what that sounded like all these years, but today it was more apparent than I had ever felt or heard it. 

I could feel His love for me. He loves me, He really, really loves me, and not only me, but He also loves my biological Father, Colby Belshe. I could feel his presence; this was more than an emotionally draining day for me, but at that very moment, standing with my arms high, twirling in the Arizona desert, I could feel that finally, Colby was happy; his daughter could hear. 

Colby never could forgive himself for being the fault of my deafness, and I forgave him. I don't remember being angry with him; I only knew partial hearing. I told Colby many times that I didn't blame him, was OK, and didn't blame him, but even to his death, he took that guilt. Today that is over for him; he watched me, I felt him, and I know he can now move on. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for such a beautiful gift you have given me.
I picked myself up, got back in my car, called Eric, and could not believe how loud he was; I smiled, tears running down my cheeks.

When I got home, this is when the real magic happened. I opened the door, and I heard the doorknob turn. I smiled. When the door shut behind me, I screamed. It was so loud, it scared me. I did the same thing when my phone rang, I had "Happy" as my ringtone, and I about jumped out of my skin, but I smiled. Walking across my wood floors, I heard every step. In the kitchen, I opened the microwave and shut it several times. I did the same thing with the refrigerator, and I smiled.

When my hand touched the staircase to walk up, I heard my hand even softly dragging, and I smiled. I sat on my bedroom floor weeping, alone, just as it should be. I'm sure it was not too pretty. I could even hear the carpet as I ran my hand across it; all I could say was thank you so much for this unexpected miracle. I pulled the string on the dental floss tonight, and the sound was nothing I'd ever heard before; I did it repeatedly until the container was all gone. Turning the pages of my scriptures was terrific; I listened to every crinkle and smiled. I sat on my bed in awe of what my Heavenly Father had blessed me with at such a critical time. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, HE LOVES ME. I don't think I have smiled like I did today for so long, and even though it was a half smile, I didn't care; I couldn't help it. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is as beautiful as being able to hear everything; all the creations He has created for us to see, hear, feel, and smell we take for granted.
I can't wait to hear more things. I immediately turned my primary music on, my favorite song has always been My Heavenly Father Loves Me...I cry every time I hear this song.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me:

Whenever I hear the song of a bird,
or look at the blue blue sky,
whenever I feel the rain on my face
or the wind as it rushes by.
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world,
Heavenly Father created it for me.
He gave me my eyes that I might see
the color of butterfly wings,
he gave me my ears so that I might
hear the magical sound of things
He gave me my life, my mind
my heart, I thank Him reverently
for all his creations of which I'm
apart, yes, I know Heavenly Father
Loves me.

Today these words mean more to me than ever before. I can't help but think that Heavenly Father has been waiting for this day, preparing me, and refining me, preparing Colby, too, as he has suffered with this guilt for so long. I am happy for him too. I cannot stop crying. I am so blessed the tears are flowing like a river with no end in sight. I just want to open and close things. I want to hear my grandkids laugh, oh I can't wait for that; I thought I loved those belly laughs before, but I have a feeling as I get used to this new blessing, I am going to continue to have tears, learning so much of what we take for granted. So, if you see me tear up, I'm OK. I'm just hearing something new and enjoying it for the first time. I don't know if I can say thank you enough to Him who gave me this gift today, and I know He is smiling down on me too. I've been so lost these last few months, trying so hard to understand what I am supposed to do? What am I supposed to be learning? I will continue to ask, but not today. I am grateful this is a feeling I will never ever forget.

LABELS: HEARING, HOPE, KELLY CONROY, LOVE, MAYO CLINIC, PEACE 

Mom's Funeral

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2013

Mom's Funeral

My nephew Ronny 

November 19, 2013, Tuesday
Today, my sisters and I attended the funeral services for our mother. It's difficult to describe how I felt. I was drawn closer to her by listening to her cousin, Mary Joyce, speak of mom's earlier years when she was a young girl and teenager. Mom never talked much about those days, so it was nice to hear and learn about her life's fun, happy side. All is Holy in the house of God, and I was trying my hardest to feel heaven there.

Linda, Myself, and Dottie (Linda's mom)

Linda is one of my besties- I love her.

Susan and Ron Lundberg (mom's closest friends)

 I am grateful for my friends who supported me and did not let the influence of "not knowing" my mom keep them from coming to support me. I needed you there, and I so appreciate Millie. We have been friends for 15 years. She had no idea of my life before Gilbert, yet because of her Christian spirit, she came and loved me through it. She also brought enchiladas to my family for Sunday dinner. She will and always be close to my heart. Linda, my friend from childhood, she and her mother drove far to be here, and I will always love Linda for her unconditional love, especially having known my parents made it special to me to have her there. Last, my dear friend Jenny Ruttinger texted me and said, "I know this will be hard for you. I will be sitting with you," and she did. We've been through a lot together in the past 20+ years. No questions asked. I knew she would be there for me. Eric and I decided we wanted to position ourselves perfectly to see and watch Stephen Phelps play the organ. I always feel the spirit and peace when I listen to him play. He and his wife have been a tremendous example for me as we have tried to raise our children by their example. Eric and I spoke about him many times this past week, knowing it would be difficult for him physically to play, and it would have been OK if he couldn't come, but he did, and I know he did it just for me. I love you, Stephen and Carolei. You have been an example to me for over 20 years and continue to amaze me with your loving hearts.

Jenny--I love you

November 20, 2013, Wednesday
As I post this, Eric and I are in Mexico, spending some time at our condominium. He needed to fix our freezer (well, I say him, but those of you who know my "Tim, the tool man" knows he will hire someone to fix it.)  He wanted me to come last week and was leaving for Mexico on the day he got the text from me saying my mother had passed. This week he has been begging me to come with him, and I have not wanted to go, mostly because I think some of those depression and unresolved issues are unsettling. Eric knows me so well. He knew if I stayed home, I would lay around and try to figure out the whys. Then became depressed and anxious, so I'm glad I came with him.

 Being here draws me closer to Heavenly Father. I can sit on the sand, watch the ocean waves come gently in and out and see the hand of the Lord pick me up and keep me from getting carried away in those waves. Honestly, I have so many emotions stirring up inside of me. Although what I am saying is entirely from my heart, and I am being true to myself, I know it will confuse some people.

I want to remember and write some of my fond memories of mom. Our kitchen was always our gathering place, and I loved sitting, watching, and learning from her. There were 3 things I remember distinctly about my mom during Christmas--she always made Red Velvet Cake and sprinkled the green and red sparkles to top it off. She also taught me how to make her Cranberry Meatballs, a Christmas Eve Tradition in our home. Lastly, she made cheese balls and gave them to friends and anyone she knew who needed a little boost during the holidays. Eric and I still carry on this tradition, so if you get a cheese ball during the holiday month, it's because our family loves you--DON"T THROW IT AWAY. Mom grew her own small cucumbers and taught me how to pickle them. I loved her homegrown pickles. I went to a girls' camp every year, and she was there. It was comforting to have my mom with us at Camp Lo Mia; all the girls in the Stake loved her. I wanted to be just like that. I wanted to work in Young Women's like she did, go to girl's camp like she did, and enjoy all the blessings from serving in YW. I have not had an opportunity to serve in the YW program for more than 6 months, but I was able to be our ward camp director for several years. I also remember my mom giving me the first compliment I can remember. She said, "Monya, you can get upset or mad, spit it out, then let it go; I like that about you" When Elvis Presley died, I was mowing the lawn and remember coming into the house to get a drink of water, she was crying, she really loved music, that is probably why I love music so much. I'll never forget telling my mother over the phone that my brother had died; she was heartbroken; she screamed "No, no" repeatedly and then threw the phone.

Mom is with Lance now.

I have tried to write and re-write to avoid offending anyone; I've decided journaling is a good thing for ME (maybe not how YOU would handle it) to be real; I've hidden for too many years. So--to all of you who have written me emails criticizing me for the things I blog about all I can say to you, my intentions are in the right place and coming from an authentic real me. You did not live my life and are not living my journey now. You saw my mom give endless hours of service to others, including some of you, and she did it not because she was Relief Society President, she did it because she wanted to serve; I'm so grateful for her example to me in that regard, and for the last thing on this subject, those of you who have emailed me with your criticism, I noticed not one of you took time to show your respect to my mother and come to her funeral. So please do not bother sending me a follow-up email--I said it, was upset about what you said, and now I'm over it. This is in the Lord's hands now, and I honestly believe my mother wanted the goal that myself and my sisters wanted, for our family to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but it is difficult to do that when you cannot admit parts are missing. I tried many times to mend this relationship and was given a blessing with confirmation that this will not be resolved in this lifetime. Unless hearts were softened and sorrow was shown. I realize this was difficult for my mother but was necessary on her part for our relationship to continue--she made her choices--and we have all had to deal with that decision. Mom did the best she knew how to do. I will see her again, and the Lord will solve all earthly issues. Thank you, Linda, for permitting me to express my feelings here. If you have problems, please email Linda.

Beautiful Casket

Greg dedicated the grave.

 I believe our lives are like ocean waves, constantly moving, sometimes those waves are further out than we can reach, but they eventually rise to meet me in a solemn comforting manner--when they do -- all is quiet and calm, especially in my heart where I need it the most. I am grateful my mother is peaceful with a completely healthy body. Still, I need some guidance; I believe there can be healing even in the deepest of graves--when we humble ourselves and allow the spirit to speak--but not all is calm in my heart right now--I feel lonely and vulnerable, and I know no-one on this earth can understand what I am feeling--not even my sister Sonya--she said she felt a warm blanket of "comfort" around her during the funeral--why didn't I feel that? Am I not worthy enough for that feeling?

When my brother Lance died, I felt so guilty for not doing more to help him; it was a heavy burden I was carrying; I knelt and prayed one night for comfort and peace to fill my soul, for the Lord to let me know Lance was OK. That night as I knelt waiting for an answer, I felt my brother's hand on mine, and his voice, as clear as day, said, "This is the Lord's will, not yours; I am happy" Because of that experience I was able to move forward in faith and HOPE knowing without a doubt Lance was in a good place.

 It was the start of healing when I could be at mom's bedside and say, "I forgive you," before she passed on. It was a tender moment, and I know she heard me.

During the funeral, my mother's dearest friend Susan spoke and told memories she had of my mom. She said from her heart that she really loved my mom, something I will always be grateful for. While she was speaking, I thought of a talk given by Elder Bednar at the General Conference in October of 2009. He talked about family love; he said that no wife, daughter, son, or husband should hear the words "I love you" for the first time from the pulpit--this is what I heard--but not from my mom from her friend. I wish I had heard "I love you and am proud of you" from my mother's lips. All I can do now is to make sure everyone I genuinely love and care for not only hears it but KNOW it. I understand mom may not have been able to express her love to me because I'm not really sure if she was told as a child--maybe she was never taught by example--I don't know--all I know for sure is when I held each and every one of my children in my arms for the 1st time I loved them--unconditionally loved each one of them. I guess forgiveness does not always leave you with peace and happiness. This part will come to me in the Lord's time--It always does-so for now, I love you, mom, and I know you did the best you could.

Four Years and Counting

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3, 2013

Four years and Counting

It's been 4 years now, this week, since I sat in the quiet, dark doctor's office with Eric by my side and heard those terrible words, "YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER"  WOW, time seems to creep up on me. I feel like sometimes it was yesterday we listened to those words, and then sometimes, when I think about what has transpired in our lives since that date, it seems so long ago.   I have to dedicate this blog to my family, who has stood by my side through this entire journey, and I realize this has been their journey too. Blake left for his mission for 2 years, came home, and got married. Kaitlyn and Brian married, lived in Utah, and moved back to Arizona. Kayla and Jeremy have had 2 boys born into their family, and Haleigh married Scott Bigelow. Look at all these blessings the Lord has allowed me to witness, I am so happy I have lived to see all of this, and I have faith I will live a long life, long enough to see all my grandchildren born, and I'm pretty sure we will have lots and lots of grandchildren---right? Kayla and Jeremy? Blake and Chloe? Kaitlyn and Brian? Haleigh and Scott?

 I don't think about cancer as much as I used to. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my body would or could go through what it has been through. I was prideful and always thought, "I am healthy, I eat right, I exercise,  I will never have health issues. After all, I went from 1st grade through high school with perfect attendance in school and seminary. The 1st time I ever threw up in my life was when I was giving birth to my 1st baby during the transitional part of childbirth. My sisters both have health issues, Eric will die long before I do, and I need to keep myself in good  condition so I can be around to take care of my kids when he does."

It makes me want to throw up--what the heck was I thinking? Yes, it's good to keep yourself healthy and exercise when you can, but I was seriously way off the map on this one. My family has terrible health issues, autoimmune diseases that I can't even spell, cancer up the kazoo--every kind you can think of, arthritis, thyroid issues, and so on. Eric's family is somewhat different. His mother died of breast cancer, but as far as we know, she is the only one on her side, and Eric's dad and siblings had heart problems, but all lived well into their 80s.

I'm aware of my body now more than I ever have been in my life. I feel when something is wrong--crossing my fingers on that one-- The only thing I'm unsure of is what part of my aches and pains are from getting older and what is from family genes. Running a marathon and crossing the finish line does not replay in my mind over and over anymore. When I see other people doing it, especially people I know and love,  it makes me smile instead of frown :}  For me, life is more beautiful than it ever has been. There is so much to look forward to, so much to still learn, places to go, and people to meet. Life is just beginning--many, many more rainbows to chase.....

Curve Balls

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2013

Curve Balls

Man, life throws many curve balls, I was not expecting one that came flying at me last week.  I was Fired from my volunteer work.  Not the accomplishment I had expected, and it was devastating for me. I loved that job; I loved the people I worked with, and I especially loved all the patients who touched my life. I violated HIPAA law and took pictures of patients. First off, I just want to say they all had my permission to take their picture, and 2nd I would never post something about a patient without their consent. However, I recently had my blog redesigned, and all the journal entries I had written and drafted, were posted public without me knowing.

  They were written a year or year and a half ago, when I was asked not to mention the facility that I was volunteering for or the patients, I immediately drafted all of them for my children to have, and for myself to look back and remember. For those of you who do not know about drafting, it is a journal you write and never post for all to see but is kept secret and I eventually wanted my blog to be made into a book for my children, so I did as I was asked, and I took all the posts off my blog immediately.  To be honest, I have a ton of drafts, things I don't want the world to see but have saved for my family to read long after I'm dead and gone.

When I went to my "volunteer" job 2 weeks ago, I was called into a meeting where I was "let go" I was told if an employee had done this, they would be "let go," so they felt it was time for me to be "let go" I asked them if I could delete the entries. The answer was "you have 3 days to get them off your blog, or we will be forced to file a federal suit"  so sad, I took off my scrubs and handed in my badge out the door I went feeling like I had just been defeated by the world, I cried uncontrollably for hours, well actually the crying went on for days, I finally got it controlled to a slow tearful drip after a few days.  When I got home, I asked our attorney if this could happen to me; he said NO, that the facility I was volunteering for could not sue me for violating HIPAA laws the patient would have to be the one to sue me, --and since every one of those patients or their caregivers still email me regularly, (except for one), I contacted each person who I had ever posted about, got written permission from them or in a couple cases the patients had passed on, and I got permission from their caregivers, who by the way also asked me for a copy of what I had written, by this time I had already deleted them.  However, I told them once I had their written permission, I would send them a copy of what I had handwritten.  Each was so grateful, I had journaled, and each had already known about the experiences and the intimate talks I had with them, so it was not a surprise to any of them when I read the journaling to them.

 I'm not sure what this world is coming to, I do understand the HIPAA laws, and I do understand the right to have privacy, but I would never post something without first asking the patient. There was only one post that I had written that I felt was imposing without permission; names were never mentioned, and if this person had found it on the world wide web (1 in a billion) They could have guessed it was them I was talking about, but there were no pictures or proof.

I learned a lot from this experience, and although I think "they" were being a bit dramatic in their decision, I know the Lord has something else planned for me.  It's important for me to be in a place where I am not only needed but appreciated for the service I love to give.

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow

 

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2013

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow

I have always dreamed of having all my children's receptions in my backyard. Thursday night, which was made a reality. Our youngest daughter Haleigh was married to Scott Bigelow. We have now had all our children married within 5 years. It sounds crazy. Still, back in the olden days (ha-ha), when Eric and I were first married, I wanted to have all my children born before I was 30 so we could enjoy them, so they could enjoy being adults with their own children together.

 I can honestly and proudly say I have made oh so many mistakes along the way, raised my voice too many times, wished I had forced them to practice on that beautiful piano Eric bought for that reason, and been more patient with everyday messes that genuinely didn't matter, not worried as much about what others thought and focused more on more important things  I not always listened, but felt I was the adult and knew more than they did, turns out they are the ones who have now taught me to be a better person and grandmother.

Many people have asked me if I am sad about my last child leaving and getting married, and my solid answer is NO. However, today, as I write this post, I am teary. I think I am glad the planning stages for the weddings are over, but not having my children around daily is hard--I want to hear that front door open, and the little voices say, "Mom, where are you?"  I am so blessed. All of my children have not only chosen to marry spouses whose families live within a few miles, except Brian, whose parents live in Utah; however, they raised him in Arizona, and he has grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who live here. 

Me and My Baby Girl, Haleigh Bear

What is your love language, Viola

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2012

What is your Love Language? Viola.

Besides, one other time while I was going through my chemo treatments, I felt the spirit of Eric's mom as strongly as I did last night when I attended the Temple. My favorite woman of all time was sitting in the chair, smiling so big from ear to ear. She looked me in the eyes and nodded as if to say with those big blue eyes piercing my soul, "I love you; you will make the right decisions. I'm here for you" I looked back after slowly walking by, not wanting this moment to end, and she was gone. It was just another cute lady sitting there greeting people.

Dang it, I miss her. Without a doubt, when I pass through the veil to the other side (hopefully Heaven since I know that is where she is), Vi will be the first to embrace me, next to her eternal companion, my father-in-law Ray Williams--I love them so dearly and have often had to humble myself knowing I would never want to disappoint them.

I had another incredible spiritual experience last night as I attended the Temple, one which I will have to record in another journal that is not so public. I'm grateful for the knowledge that Families can live together forever, Eternity, together.

Another realization came this week when I had lunch with a friend. It was mentioned to me that we all "love differently" I have never thought about it the way it was so humbly explained. Each of us. We are taught to love as the Savior did unconditionally, right? There has only been one person in my life I have ever met who has been able to successfully do this, Viola Williams. I have never heard a sore word about another come out of her mouth. She was constantly serving others as the Savior did. In the end, she died of breast cancer. Leaving a legacy of complete understanding of our Saviors plan for her family to carry on. We all love differently. Think about the people around you, in your family, church, and workout groups; are they all the same? No, we all show our love differently; some are comfortable hugging and saying "I Love You" (that is me), some may care and love for you but not want to be touched or hugged, some show love by giving gifts, some by words of affirmation and appreciation, some want to hold on to their children and never let them experience the circle of life (this would be Eric)  At the end of the day when we all understand how we love it is so much easier to accept and truly love the ones around us, just as the Savior did. 

Poem to my Son-Blake

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2011

Poem to my Son-Blake

Today is Blake's 23rd birthday--I just sent through email this poem I wrote for him--I've never written a poem and don't know that I ever will again-but. This is how I really feel. I don't like to use the word PROUD, but I am. This boy is now a man; knowing he was out serving helped me get through some really tough days and months--


When you turned nineteen and decided not to go
my heart ached for what you didn't know.


Times were rough, and thoughts weren't clear
deep inside, I was glad you were still here.


Dad and I raised you in the Church, saying,
"where will you go?"
your answer to us was "NO."


I prayed morning and night, wanting
everything to be just right.


I'll never forget the day of your call
it was such a shock to us all,
seems you, too, had been praying and preparing.


Tears of joy filled my eyes, for now, I knew
and could empathize-


You would go out and tell
of Heavenly Father's Plan
and how Adam fell.


When my diagnosis returned positive for cancer
I cried, "no, this can't be."
I wanted a different answer.


You were given a blessing saying,

If you are obedient, 
"Your mom will be here."
then I begged the Lord to take away your fear.


The day I hugged you goodbye,
I wasn't quite sure how I'd get by.


As I felt my heart explode in my chest,
I knew it was time to let the Lord do the rest.


Every letter, Christmas and Mother's day
there was so much to say,
you were serving the Lord, and it made me glad

to hear you so happy for good days and bad


Now those two years have gone so fast,
soon you will be home with us at last.


Our family has been so blessed; you have
served with honor and done your best.


When people ask me, "How did you survive your fight?"
I look at them and say, "because I have a son who chose
to share HIS light."


I love you, Elder Blake Williams-Happy Birthday.

XOXO Mama

From Boy To Man

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2011

From Boy to Man

Blake wrote this letter to us recently. Eric and I were really touched by how much he has sacrificed. It's hard as a mother to know some of the conditions Blake has lived in; however, hearing him speak about how much he loves the Dominican people and how much he will miss them makes me happy. Before he left, Blake was rough around the edges, but after reading his letters and seeing the refining, he has done is a blessing.

Mom & Dad

I've been thinking about the time I have left here in this country. It has really come to be part of me. I mean, I really consider myself a Dominican. I love these people, and I will miss them so much, even those who don't want to listen to us, the dogs that always chase and bark at us, or the random drunk man that's is always interesting to talk to. Even the things I don't like, I will miss so much. Like when there is no light in the whole town for 24 hours, having to go to sleep drowning in your own sweat being eaten by mosquitoes when there's no water to shower in before you leave the house, or no light to iron your shirt before church or when, no one is in their homes the whole day not even the members to give you some water or juice, and then it starts to pour down rain, these are the things I really am going to miss, I love this country. I will always say it is MY country...

I am so grateful to be in the best mission in the world, with the best mission president in the world.

Things have been a little different this week after the hurricane; it took out a hotel right on the beach here and ruined this street. The place got flooded here, which is crazy because it never rains. It's like a desert here; it's the first area I have been in. It reminds me of home because there are cacti here, haha.

This week has been pretty good. I think I gave my last talk in the mission this last week, so it was 830 in the morning on Sunday, and we were preparing ourselves to leave and go pick up this investigator, and the branch president called and told me to prepare a talk for church, and I said that its fine ill do it cuz I thought at. First, it was for the next week but then like 15 minutes later, it got to me, so I called him and asked if it was for this Sunday or the next, and he said this Sunday, and said to make sure it was long cuz my mission president was going to be there, so he tells me 30 minutes before church when I'm already in the street to church that I have to talk, but its OK that's just another thing that I really am going to miss it went really well they told us that the chapel is going to be remodeled and that we will be moving into a little house for 5 or 6 months. We are going to baptize this guy named Avelino in a few weeks. He has 8 years with the missionaries, and his wife is a member that has her endowments. She tried and tried, and so have the missionaries, so we have been working hard with him, and we put a date for him, so we will be baptizing him a week or so before I get home. I cant wait to see the look on his face. His wife's face when he gets baptized. This is one of the things I am going to miss the most is seeing the lives of people change.

con mucho amor
ELDERblakeWILLIAMS

Give Me Experience-Trystan

MONDAY, AUGUST 15, 2011

Give Me Experience-Trystan

WOW, life just comes atcha sometimes. Recently I posted a blog about getting away from life's trials. After this post, I received dozens of emails asking me to tell more about what happened with Trystan. One person left an anonymous comment that made me believe it was Trystan ....Over the past few years, I have posted so much personal stuff about my life, and people will sometimes leave an anonymous comment. Still, those have never bothered me because I understand and can appreciate if they want to express to me how they feel without revealing who they are. Thank you for your comments. By the way, I look forward to seeing them; if it was you, Trys, I hope your life is going well. I continue to pray for you; if it was not Trystan, I hope you will understand why I am cautious.
With a lot of prayer and consideration, I decided I would blog about some of the details of what happened with Trystan and how we came to find out she was not being truthful. Please know that I,  in no way, shape or form want to re-live this again, it has been a terrible experience, and I am still trying to make some sense out of it. With that being said, I also want to make some awareness so that others will not have to go through this actually; most of you are much wiser than I am and would not allow yourself to be put in this situation, but if you know someone like me have them read this if you feel they are.

Those of you who know me well know that I am not a complicated person, I say things like they are, and everyone knows where they stand with me. However, I open my life up to people because I love people and want badly to help and be there for anyone who needs it.

I started this blog before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've always been a journal writer, but as I get older. As our family gets bigger, I felt it would be easy to journal about our family and to be able to check in with a family who lives out of the state I live in.

After my diagnosis, this blog made it easier to express myself and share the details of my journey with the VILLAIN. Little did I know it would impact many women also treated with chemo and radiation. Those women have touched and strengthened me in ways I could not explain. They are women who genuinely understand the struggles of being a mom, a wife, and juggling the effects of the VILLAIN taking over our lives. I also thought it was essential to journal my entire journey, every detail so that women could know precisely what a person goes through when they get this type of diagnosis. Also, for my children, who don't really read my blog, to one day read and understand my diagnosis just in case, heaven forbid, they get diagnosed with breast cancer. Their chances are higher due to Eric's mom and I having breast cancer.

I've loved the connections I've made with women worldwide, experiencing the same emotions I have. One day I received an email from a woman who was undergoing chemo. She only had 2 more rounds and wanted someone to talk to. I began to email her, and the story was heart-wrenching. She explained how she and her 2-year-old daughter were in a car accident 5 years ago, and her daughter did not survive. When Trystan came out of the coma she'd been in for five months, the doctors told her about her daughter Paige, dying in the accident, and that her husband committed suicide when he was told his daughter was dead and his wife wouldn't make it through the night. 

She then endured months of rehab, learning to read, write, walk, and talk. Now she was living with the VILLAIN. I cried when I read that email. I could not believe anyone could endure what she had at such a young age. I remember praying that night, asking the Lord to please relieve Trystan of her pain from chemo and strengthen her with FAITH and HOPE, just like I had been strengthened through my experience. I felt a connection with her, something I had never felt before, and I continued to keep up with her progress. When she had her last chemo, I celebrated that day with her. Our conversations became daily and were emotional and humorous. 

I think it's safe to say we trusted and admired each other. Trystan shared with me that not only was the VILLAIN a big part of her life, but she was also dying from kidney failure and needed to be admitted into the Mayo Hospital in Rochester. My heart went out to her, and I continued to talk to and email her daily. One email I sent her was me telling her how I wanted to start a non-profit organization for women with breast cancer who do not have insurance. Through the contacts I have made with all these women, I realized many of them do not have health insurance, and many states will help them pay for treatments but not for reconstruction, so I wanted this non-profit to help those women get the reconstruction if they wanted it. I asked her what she thought about my idea, and she was very supportive and tried to help me.

She explained that her family was not close, and her brother and sister-in-law have 15-month-old twins. She told me her brother was the drummer of the band REM, and I had no idea who they were.

She explained that when she was in a car accident with her daughter, Honda had given her a massive settlement for her payout (200 million). She said it was the second highest payout ever from the Honda company.

She then told me she would donate a million dollars to my non-profit you can imagine how excited I was because I knew this would help to jump-start this organization and get the help to women immediately. She told me about an organization she has. She bought a home in Hilton Head on the beach for children with terminal diseases to go with their families for a week. She then sent me a magazine article she was featured in about her organization and the fundraiser she did for it in July of 2010. REM. Loretta Lynn and several other performers came to Hilton Head and did an all-day concert. She told me she would help me organize my first fundraiser and that she had all these connections to help me. I explained my gratitude to her, and we started planning our first event.

Her stay in the Mayo hospital was long and dreary. We talked every day, sometimes for several hours, I just did not want her to be alone, and I enjoyed getting out of my little cancer world and helping to cheer her up. Trystan asked if it was okay for her doctor (Dr. Williams) to email me and give me updates while she was in surgery. That night Dr. Williams began emailing me about the severity of Trystans health. I was told Trystan's kidney was only working at 20% and that she needed a kidney transplant. 

Trystan asked me if I would be willing to give her a kidney. After discussing it with Eric, we decided it was the right thing to do. However, I was unsure about my health condition and whether I would be a good candidate. Her doctor assured me she knew I was a match and that God had brought her and me together for this reason. During this time, I was also having some issues and needed to see my gynecology oncologist, Dr. Magtibay.   

She and I talked about everything with each other. She told me about when she was in John's Hopkins Hospital for kidney failure. She was blessed to get a kidney from a donor; however, while she was in the ICU, a nurse physically abused her by putting a drug into her IV, which made her paralyzed, but she was awake and aware of everything going on, he raped her and vaginally cut her up, she was rushed to the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale for vaginal reconstruction surgery, and her doctor was Dr. Magtibay, with the assistance of Dr. Williams they were able to "fix" her. Still, the trauma from this event has never left her. She could not sleep and was deeply emotionally scarred from it. Dr. Williams begged me to try and get her to discuss it with me since she had never had any therapy and refused to speak to anyone about it.   I prayed as to how I could help her.

Being sexually abused, I felt like I could talk to her more freely about it,  but I knew this would be emotionally draining on me as well. I have never discussed the details of what happened to me as a child, teen, and young adult, nor did I want to start now. After all, I had put all that stuff behind me, except for one little thing, when the doctors told me they wanted me to get a hysterectomy, it always scared me and brought up some past issues. This is the reason for me never agreeing to that surgery until now. I began to talk to her. I told her a little at a time, hoping she would open up to me. During this interaction with Trystan, my children were apprehensive about me; they told me that they felt something about Trystan was not right and that I needed to let go a little and get more information about her. This was difficult to hear because I enjoyed having someone to talk to, especially someone who could understand what I was going through. (I forgot to mention that she and I had become friends on Facebook early on in the friendship also) Several times she was near death, her brother would text me and ask me to please pray for her. I had been emailing Blake and telling him about Trystan; he emailed me one week and suggested we have a family fast for Trys, so I suggested it to her brother; at the time, Trystan and I had just had surgery on the exact same day in January, but she never came out of her sedation.

I  explained that we would start the fast in the evening and close the following night, 24 hours with no food or drink and lots of prayers. The next day she woke up--it happened to be on my birthday--I had posted that the only birthday gift I would care to have would be for her to wake up--and she did. All of this time, she was supposedly in the hospital. 

Dr. Williams was emailing me and having me update her "Care Page," which is available through Mayo Clinic, so every day, sometimes, several times a day, I would update the page so all her friends could keep up with her recovery-or lack of. I received emails and comments on my blog from Loretta Lynn and her brother and sister-in-law. Just when we thought she was strong enough for me to come and visit, Dr. Williams emailed me one night and said that Trystan needed some vaginal repair done and that she was going to call Dr. Magtibay at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix and ask him to do her a favor and fly out there for a couple of days to do the surgery, she told me that her and "Paul Magtibay" were friends and colleagues and that he "owed" her for some things she had done for him. Any of you who have followed my blog should remember that Dr. Magtibay is my gynecology/oncologist. Dr. Williams told me that when Trystan was abused at Johns Hopkins, she had to be flown out to Mayo Clinic in Phoenix to be operated on by Dr. Magtibay. She asked me to never discuss this with him as there is a dr/patient confidentiality problem with her discussing all these things with me.   

In the meantime, I received an email from Blake telling me that a woman in Scotland named Shannon had emailed him and said to him that she was in fear of me being hurt and that he should tell Eric right away about Trystan being a fraud (the same thing happened to her) except that she did not have cancer. Shannon had a child who was autistic and did not have the money to help pay for his medical bills.

POSTED BY Bonbon AT 6:37 PM