A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2014

A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

Today I received a dose of reality, well I think it was a reality I have a tough time distinguishing between reality and rudeness these days. I am trying my hardest to be OK with living with a disfigured odd-looking face, potentially for the rest of my life.

 I have good days and bad. In my face, directly confronted with these words today "Hey Monya, I'm sorry to hear about your recent surgery" "Thank you, but I am doing well, and glad to be back to work" "....uhh I was just wondering, do you think you could get plastic surgery on your other eye to create some symmetrical lines?" Seriously, being put on the spot like that was about as uncomfortable as being drunk in church.  I had no idea what to say, after a little hesitation my response was "... I would not, actually I WILL not have elective surgery, which was my 21st surgery in 5 years, I've had five this year, and thought I would lose my life.  I honestly do not care about what my face looks like anymore" "Well you take good care of your skin, it looks good. Except for the right side is a little off-centered from the rest........" interjecting I couldn't help myself "I have to stop you right there, I can't listen to this anymore, I am not trying to be rude, and I'm quite sure you have great intentions and that you are not meaning to insult me, but this has been one of the most difficult years of my life. The fact that I am alive, back to work, and trying my best to be OK with myself; not the physical me but who I am. The parts of inner beauty I have never seen or known I could possess has been a long ongoing process." The tears started to well up, which really ticked me off because I was trying so hard to stay composed. ...Since the facial paralysis, I have cried myself to sleep more nights than I care to share. I'm working hard at Living Happy and by giving myself daily affirmations that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, and that I can hold my head high knowing I am trying my hardest with all I have inside of me to face people and respect myself, no matter what my physical appearance is" she considered what had just been said and apologized for offending me. Why couldn't it just end at that? Oh no ... I started to walk off and she uttered "I just thought you would want to know, there are plastic surgeons out there who can help you."

I walked off acting as if I didn't hear her last comment.  I wish I could say a huge shield of honor came up between her and me but, as much as I didn't want this to affect me, it did.  When I got off work, I went home and looked at my face in the mirror, and like I do every day I told my damn lips to smile, I worked it for 30 minutes-- it was funny--my dang mouth didn't even try--I had to push my lip up repeatedly.  I did that, saying "Smile dang it ..."  Well guess what? I can only smile with one side of my mouth, and I can only lift one eyebrow, but I can listen with my heart even with a deaf ear, and I can smile with my eyes.  So, until, and if my smile never comes back, I will continue to work on true happiness in my life, surround myself with others who are authentically compassionate and kind, and tomorrow I will try again.

My Favorite Things

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2014

My Favorite Things

All week I've been thinking about how hard it is to describe FAVORITES ... weird thought I know.

Favorites for me have sometimes come and gone in a flash.  Depending on my age, the people in my life at the time, and the circumstances for which they become my favorites.

When I was a little girl, I watched The Wizard of Oz every year when it came on TV.  I thought Judy Garland was beautiful even in black and white. I will never forget seeing the movie for the first time in color--it was so vibrant and alive--I loved it--I despised the monkeys, they scared me.  My favorite part of the movie was when she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where your troubles melt like lemon drops

way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

If Happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

The first time I heard this song, I loved the melody, but the first time I listened to the lyrics I became obsessed.  It was difficult to imagine daring to dream of a happy place, or that dreams can come true. Since those days, I have always been in awe of Rainbows. When Haleigh and I saw a double rainbow in Hawaii just a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer, it later became a 

New Baby Boy (Phoenix)

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2014

New Baby Boy
What is up with all this modern technology?  3D ultrasounds? When my baby girl, who's having this baby boy was in my tummy--we had an ultrasound too, it sure didn't look like this though. It showed us Kaitlyn was going to be a boy, I don't think those mistakes happen much these days.  I am so happy for Kaitlyn and Brian; they have been married for over 5 years now.  Brian has worked hard going to school full time--ASU graduate in May--perfect timing to take over Daddy daycare...?

He looks just like Brian

Especially with this smirk on his face--BRIAN

It's interesting as a parent to watch your own children grow up, fall in love, figure marriage out, and now have babies.  This little guy is arriving in February and will be our third grandson.  I have never in my life seen any girl happier about being pregnant .... Well except me, I loved being pregnant. Seriously though, Brian and Kaitlyn are so organized with the babies' room, diapers, etc.  They have no idea what is about to happen to their lives.

 The joy of parenting is indescribable, and I know they are going to be so much better at it than I ever was.  It's always been my dream that my children would raise a better generation than we did, hopefully with each generation it gets better and better.  I have no doubt this baby will be loved; our family is so excited that in just a couple short months this little guy will be all the attention.  When I look at these pictures I'm so emotionally attached to knowing where he is coming from--a perfect, peaceful, loving place, and as much as we want him to feel what he is feeling right now as he prepares to say goodbye to his great Grandad, Da Wi, cousins, and siblings he will enter this world perfect, but along the way make some mistakes.  My bonbon advice is "It's OK to make mistakes, we all do. The most important thing to learn about life is that you are loved, and it's not about how you start the race, it's all about how you end the race. Learn from every mistake, laugh it off, be happy, and share your knowledge with everyone, you are the brightest star in the sky, and I love you"

I'm Trying ...

 

I'm trying...

I have missed a few blog posts so today I will post three.  First, I went to Cleveland Clinic, had my surgery with Doctor Gustman, then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him... "You made a mistake on your blog, which was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the miss count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" So there you have it, yes, I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life-altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down-to-earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone in conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes and learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it, and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (This is not the case she had about eight hundred people on that call) I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Gracefully and gently, she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, and who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 months that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful in doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person and to learn that when I fall, I can be lifted and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be led and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where, or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of nowhere he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked, "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to, and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" A little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for complete physical healing.  I have felt broken, alone, and misunderstood. To finally say aloud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physicians have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficulty was?

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful" for some reason that ".... but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul, is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Blessed Abundantly

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2014

Blessed Abundantly

Well, I made it to Cleveland Clinic. Rather than dwell on what was coming up, I focused on more positive thoughts. If you do not have a LIVE HAPPY magazine, I am a Live Happy ambassador and would love to get you one; please send me your address; it costs you nothing, but it will enhance your life tremendously; I love it.

I had a day filled with tests and pre-op appointments. It is freezing here in Cleveland, not what this Arizona girl is used to. Eric flew in last night to be with me for the surgery; I reassured my surgeon I was flying home on Saturday; his PA was a little shocked at my boldness, but I needed to be with my family. One remarkable thing is that I am flying in 1st class, drugged up, and hopefully feel no pain.

So many struggles privately; I would be one of them. However, I don't have that pleasure; my obvious insecurity and self-doubt have been public but have helped me develop in ways I arrogantly didn't think I needed. To those who struggle anxiously and quietly, please know I pray for you daily--it's the least I can do, and I HOPE for some relief from your pain.

Life is so full of difficulties; no one is perfect, and no situation is always ideal, but for me, right now, I am doing all I can to become OK with who I am, what I physically look like to others, and work on my worth as a person, not an object. I love who I am becoming and realize I have much more to work on. The beauty of this life is that we get to start all over again tomorrow with a renewed perspective--and if we don't make it to tomorrow--guess what? There's still HOPE--He will pick up the pieces and carry us through to our new journey.

We all need someone to talk to, someone who really understands. For parts of my life, Sonya and Kris have been my people. Eric, my eternal partner, understands and helps me to achieve my goals with ambition and constant encouragement. Amazingly my little Recker looks into my eyes at times, and I know he realizes and senses my solitude. Yes, I am blessed in abundance.