FRIDAY, MARCH 1, 2015
His Grace / Dr. Lettieri
This will be a really raw post. REAL life is happening over here in my head. I keep thinking about the times I begged the Lord to take all my heartaches away, let me feel the sunshine all the time. I felt I'd done my share of trying and hardship--I should have gotten an A+ on that report card.
Once I'd forgiven those in my life who truly belittled and hurt me and then took the time to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I felt I had paid the price and was done. I heard this quote the other day
“When you face adversity, you need to remind yourself that whatever is trying to defeat you could very well be what God will use to promote you.”
The quote struck me so deeply with the spirit that I had to rewind several times to ensure I heard it correctly. The truth is, I am a strong person, sometimes brave, but very weak in so many ways.
The death of Sheldon really gave me so much perspective. Although he and I had talked about death and the possibilities of leaving so much behind, we also recognized the weakness of this world. One time we talked about whether or not doctors are as brilliant as we all think they are. Never a day goes by that I don't think about Sheldon. What is he doing? The peace he is feeling, no more pain, doctors, or shadows to hide under. I want to find that place. I find peace so many times in knowing all these sleepless nights and bittersweet feelings I have will all be taken away. Of course, I don't want my children or grandchildren to feel the pain of having me gone, but knowing our lives are eternal gives me pleasure.
I know this life is such a twinkle in His eye. The life after this life is eternal, I will have plenty of memories to make with my grandchildren, and I will not miss a thing. Keeping my eyes and thoughts on eternity gives me sight when I think I can't see past today.
With the Lord, I have no hiding places to rest. He truly knows my heartache. When no one else seems to 'get it,' He hears me and knows how I feel--that pain is hard for me. I know it must penetrate His heart, knowing He cannot take it away until it is my 'time' to go. The problem is, there are times I want it to be my 'time' There are times I get such anxiety and feel a need to be in that happy place I used to fill my days with.
I was between appointments at Mayo Clinic and Maricopa Hospital the other day. I needed new pillowcases; mine are blood-stained and bleached beyond repair. I went into a TJMaxx, I had my head wrapped, and an older woman approached me and asked if I had gotten lip injections. I was not feeling well but was still so taken back by her question I just stared at her for a few seconds before I replied, "Ummm...no" I wanted to be classy and walk off without saying what I wanted to, but she wouldn't let it go, she had Margie with her (I'm assuming it was a friend) as I started to walk off she said, "wait, you must have had a facelift?" I laughed as much as I could without it hurting, "Again, NO" She was relentlessly following me around the store. Remember, this was only a 2 day post 2nd surgery. I let loose on a stranger....."Listen, if I had just had lip injections or facelift, I would tell you to stay away from this plastic surgeon, seriously ladies look at my face, I can't move my lips to talk, and I have lumps the size of marbles all over my cheeks, so with all due respect I'm going through a series of UNWANTED surgeries, I'm vulnerable and need you to back off" she looked at Margie and said "Well, she obviously doesn't want to hear what I have to say about her facelift" ....ugh.
I paid for my pillowcases and sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel, saying out loud, "Why? Why do I get the coo coo's?" I can honestly say at this point in my life, I am not opposed to women or men getting elective surgery. I had a breast lift years ago after having babies. However, at this point in my life, I am DONE with surgeries that are not necessary. This last surgery #25, has weakened me. My immune system is the lowest it's been. I have leakage from the Perotid gland in my face (a salivary gland situated at the base of each ear.) If not attended to can cause significant infection and all kinds of problems. Doctor Lettieri injected my left cheek with 200 mg of medical-grade Botox to try and scar up the surrounding area and get that gland to stop leaking. My take on BOTOX? I'm not sure if this is the same type of Botox women and men get for cosmetic reasons, but there in no way in HELL I would ever do that for cosmetics--it seriously bruised and hurt very badly. I think he said there were about 30-40 injections. My face looked like a roadmap from Phoenix to New York, with the permanent purple markings and the shots themselves. The bruising is just now turning that beautiful shade of yellow-green. I can't seem to get my energy back. I'm tired all the time. Some of my medicines were changed I may need to reevaluate that decision made by my doctor.
I often hear people say, "You are so strong," "I couldn't do what you do," and "You're such an inspiration." What is true is that I am evidence that His love is real, but those strengths I seem to show others are indeed the answer to the quote above, which struck me deeply. He is using me and my adversities to promote we can survive hard times. We are in the grace of his hands.
I often hear people say, "You are so strong," "I couldn't do what you do," and "You're such an inspiration." What is true is that I am evidence that His love is real, but those strengths I seem to show others are indeed the answer to the quote above, which struck me deeply. He is using me and my adversities to promote we can survive hard times. We are in the grace of his hands.
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SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 2015
What is good enough?
I don't ever want to offend or hurt anyone, but really at the end of the day I am who I am.
It’s time to care less. Yep, that’s right. So many times I take the world on my own shoulders, and instead of making the world a better place, all I end up doing is creating more stress for myself.
I've kind of always danced to my own beat. Been dumb. Done whatever I have to, but I've had to learn not to take on what others think. It’s my life, my decisions, and my choices. Some people love to judge, and why should I care if they do? I'm the only one who can define myself, so I let them be amused if it makes them happy. When I care too much about what others say, I'm wasting time on them instead of putting that effort into myself.
We all make mistakes and mess up in life. That’s just how life goes. It's taken me years to stop being hard on myself. Accept that everyone gets it wrong sometimes; it’s part of the human condition. You really are allowed to cut yourself some slack. Learn to forgive yourself more often.
FAILURE The big “F” word that everyone fears. It doesn’t have to be a scary concept. However, ultimately, it depends on your opinion and attitude to failure. If you see failure as not being perfect, you will be permanently miserable. A more realistic idea of failure is giving up. If you haven’t given up, you haven’t failed. I see failure as a learning curve, a trial and error process. See failure as your friend – it’s no big deal unless you allow it to be.
I have often worried about what I don't have rather than what blessings and gifts I've been given. The human default position tends to err on the side of lack rather than abundance, which is not conducive to feeling carefree. I have often focused on what I don’t have and end up feeling thoroughly deprived. What’s the point of that? I often tell myself to focus on what I have and leave the negatives of what I don’t have alone. Why should I want to torture myself with all the things I don’t have? That type of thinking will not serve me in any productive way at all. I made a list of all the things in my life that I appreciate. Eric taught me many years ago that there will always be others with more and less. What you have is enough. Over the years, I've come to realize how actual those words are. I don't think ambition and money have anything to do with this,. I've met people who seem to think money is evil, but that is not actual. It's what you do with that money that can become evil.
I have driven myself crazy, worrying about what might happen in the future. No one can predict the future, and there is no point in torturing myself unnecessarily about things that may never come to pass. I have to remind myself that this type of worry wastes energy and distracts from what is really important. It's hard, but I face worry head-on – if I can do something in the present moment, I go for it. If not, I'll distract myself and put those worries on a shelf for another day.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SOMEONE SAY, “I’LL BE HAPPY WHEN…?” I THINK WHEN WE BELIEVE THAT WE WILL BE HAPPY ONCE SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED, WE EFFECTIVELY PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD UNTIL THE EVENT HAPPENS. WISHING OUR CURRENT LIFE WERE DIFFERENT IS A PRECIOUS WASTE OF HAPPY MOMENTS IN LIFE. LIFE IS SHORT LIVE IN THE MOMENT MORE AND CARE LESS ABOUT BEING HAPPY IN THE FUTURE. DECIDE TO BE HAPPY NOW. HAPPINESS IS NOT A DESTINATION; IT'S A MANNER OF TRAVELING.
Those who either read my blog or know me personally, know that I say I will live and die with no regrets. Regret is a part of life. The past cannot be undone, so it pays to look at what you have done in life philosophically. Did you learn something from it? If you knew never to do it again or to try a different approach, you’ve had a positive result. NOT A REGRET Accept what has gone before, make allowances for human error and move on. I refuse to live my life with regret; if we are honest with ourselves, we know when it's time to apologize or to forgive.
A part of me is so afraid of rejection that I stay in my comfort zone and never risk true intimacy. This past year I've been trying to wear my heart on my sleeve and risk being vulnerable. The more I hide out of fear, the greater the fear will grow. I'm trying hard to show myself I can express my feelings and live with the consequences. I can conquer the fear of rejection in this way and feel more carefree. Even if the outcome is not as expected, I will soon realize that it wasn’t as bad as anticipated and that I can deal with it. My daily affirmations and goals have helped me be a little more thick skinned, be brave and see life as an adventure.
I am not one who has bought into society's expectations of be thin, be beautiful. Show off your wealth and status and then you’ll be adored. What nonsense. When you like and accept yourself as you are, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. I don’t buy into the constant media images of perfection. Most of the images are airbrushed and lead us to believe that we should all look as perfect. I try not to take it to heart. We all like to see perfect images, but should not lose sight of the fact that most of it is digitally enhanced and not natural. Love yourself, imperfections and all. Self acceptance is true freedom. It's been almost a year since my partial facial paralysis forced me to come to the fact that I am never going to be the picture perfect woman, but has also taught me to soften my heart and listen with intentionality when others are struggling with these same issues, especially the youth of today. Don't mistake my thoughts with me thinking it's ok to be unhealthy--I just believe we each know when we are doing our best to look and be the best we can be. With that said, we also know when we could do a little more, not for society's view of perfection but for our own sense of approval. You are the only one who can make that decision.
Being good enough, is it enough? It’s easy to feel that we don’t measure up somehow. We live in a competitive world. It’s okay and even healthy to want to improve and grow as a person. It becomes unhealthy, though, when we internalize negative ideas about how we aren’t good enough, or we compare ourselves to the successful marriage next door, or the sports car parked in your brothers driveway. Always challenge this type of thinking. What is “good enough”? Where is the international rule book that clarifies what “good enough” is? As long as you feel happy with who you are, where you are and how far you have come, that is all that matters.
I don't know about you but I have worried unnecessarily and created inner misery for myself over the years. Worrying about things that are completely out of my control. I can honestly say these have usually ended up being my biggest blessings, and growing experiences. Time is not endless, for me I've learned and understand from experiences this life will end, we all will die eventually. I am in that last act of my life, I want it to have a happily ever after ending--beginning my new journey with a smile and a feeling of accomplishment. Leaving a footprint big enough for my grandchildren to be proud to follow in.
