Hey Babe,
It’s been a long and hot summer — the kind I always said was treacherous and unforgiving here in Arizona. I remember how much you liked it, how you said there was something about that heat that felt alive and real. I, on the other hand… not so much. I dread these summer months, and this one has been no different.
I still think about you every day — almost every minute. I wonder if that will ever go away. Life without you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. I still find myself glancing at the clock around 6:30 pm, wondering when you’ll be coming home. I thought moving away from the house we'd lived in for so long would help, but it hasn’t. Every night, I stand at the window in our new home and watch the sun set, and I find myself wondering if you see sunsets like this, too. I suppose not… but thinking about how much you loved an Arizona sunset gives me a few moments of peace.
I don’t love this new home — not the way I thought I would. Living in Reserve reminds me so much of you, and I’m right next to the model where you used to work. Everywhere I look, there are memories — the furniture, the rooms, the quiet. Changing homes, changing wards, changing routines… It’s been harder than I ever imagined. I get very lonely. Besides Kayla, I rarely hear from our children. Being without you is so much worse.
When this happened before — when I missed the kids and the grandchildren — at least I knew I had you to lean on. You were my support. You were my safe place. I had friends in our old Ward I could call on, people who knew us, who knew how to help, who could give me a blessing if I needed it. Here, it’s different. I pray a lot for relief. I ask Heavenly Father for peace and strength… and sometimes I feel it, like a soft whisper that carries me through the day.
Our sweet Kayla is going through a tough time right now. Her world feels like it’s being pulled apart, and it breaks my heart. Jeremy is not the man we thought he was when we welcomed him into our family. I wish I had talked to her more when she was distant, when she needed a little more of me. I’m not always sure how to help, but I pray that she and Jeremy make the best decisions for their boys. I talk to her several times a week, and it hurts to hear what she’s enduring. I just want her to be happy and safe.
I love you, babe — more than words can fully express.
Love,
Monya
