His Grace-Dr. Lettieri

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 1, 2015

His Grace / Dr. Lettieri

This will be a really raw post. REAL life is happening over here in my head. I keep thinking about the times I begged the Lord to take all my heartaches away, let me feel the sunshine all the time. I felt I'd done my share of trying and hardship--I should have gotten an A+ on that report card.

Once I'd forgiven those in my life who truly belittled and hurt me and then took the time to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I felt I had paid the price and was done. I heard this quote the other day

“When you face adversity, you need to remind yourself that whatever is trying to defeat you could very well be what God will use to promote you.”

The quote struck me so deeply with the spirit that I had to rewind several times to ensure I heard it correctly. The truth is, I am a strong person, sometimes brave, but very weak in so many ways. 

The death of Sheldon really gave me so much perspective. Although he and I had talked about death and the possibilities of leaving so much behind, we also recognized the weakness of this world. One time we talked about whether or not doctors are as brilliant as we all think they are. Never a day goes by that I don't think about Sheldon. What is he doing? The peace he is feeling, no more pain, doctors, or shadows to hide under. I want to find that place. I find peace so many times in knowing all these sleepless nights and bittersweet feelings I have will all be taken away. Of course, I don't want my children or grandchildren to feel the pain of having me gone, but knowing our lives are eternal gives me pleasure. 

I know this life is such a twinkle in His eye. The life after this life is eternal, I will have plenty of memories to make with my grandchildren, and I will not miss a thing. Keeping my eyes and thoughts on eternity gives me sight when I think I can't see past today.

With the Lord, I have no hiding places to rest. He truly knows my heartache. When no one else seems to 'get it,' He hears me and knows how I feel--that pain is hard for me. I know it must penetrate His heart, knowing He cannot take it away until it is my 'time' to go. The problem is, there are times I want it to be my 'time' There are times I get such anxiety and feel a need to be in that happy place I used to fill my days with. 

I was between appointments at Mayo Clinic and Maricopa Hospital the other day. I needed new pillowcases; mine are blood-stained and bleached beyond repair. I went into a TJMaxx, I had my head wrapped, and an older woman approached me and asked if I had gotten lip injections. I was not feeling well but was still so taken back by her question I just stared at her for a few seconds before I replied, "Ummm...no" I wanted to be classy and walk off without saying what I wanted to, but she wouldn't let it go, she had Margie with her (I'm assuming it was a friend) as I started to walk off she said, "wait, you must have had a facelift?" I laughed as much as I could without it hurting, "Again, NO" She was relentlessly following me around the store. Remember, this was only a 2 day post 2nd surgery. I let loose on a stranger....."Listen, if I had just had lip injections or facelift, I would tell you to stay away from this plastic surgeon, seriously ladies look at my face, I can't move my lips to talk, and I have lumps the size of marbles all over my cheeks, so with all due respect I'm going through a series of UNWANTED surgeries, I'm vulnerable and need you to back off" she looked at Margie and said "Well, she obviously doesn't want to hear what I have to say about her facelift" ....ugh.

I paid for my pillowcases and sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel, saying out loud, "Why? Why do I get the coo coo's?"  I can honestly say at this point in my life, I am not opposed to women or men getting elective surgery. I had a breast lift years ago after having babies. However, at this point in my life, I am DONE with surgeries that are not necessary. This last surgery #25, has weakened me. My immune system is the lowest it's been. I have leakage from the Perotid gland in my face (a salivary gland situated at the base of each ear.) If not attended to can cause significant infection and all kinds of problems. Doctor Lettieri injected my left cheek with 200 mg of medical-grade Botox to try and scar up the surrounding area and get that gland to stop leaking. My take on BOTOX? I'm not sure if this is the same type of Botox women and men get for cosmetic reasons, but there in no way in HELL I would ever do that for cosmetics--it seriously bruised and hurt very badly. I think he said there were about 30-40 injections. My face looked like a roadmap from Phoenix to New York, with the permanent purple markings and the shots themselves. The bruising is just now turning that beautiful shade of yellow-green. I can't seem to get my energy back. I'm tired all the time. Some of my medicines were changed I may need to reevaluate that decision made by my doctor.

I often hear people say, "You are so strong," "I couldn't do what you do," and "You're such an inspiration." What is true is that I am evidence that His love is real, but those strengths I seem to show others are indeed the answer to the quote above, which struck me  deeply. He is using me and my adversities to promote we can survive hard times. We are in the grace of his hands.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 2015

What is good enough?

I don't ever want to offend or hurt anyone, but really at the end of the day I am who I am.

It’s time to care less. Yep, that’s right. So many times I take the world on my own shoulders, and instead of making the world a better place, all I end up doing is creating more stress for myself.

I've kind of always danced to my own beat. Been dumb. Done whatever I have to, but I've had to learn not to take on what others think. It’s my life, my decisions, and my choices. Some people love to judge, and why should I care if they do? I'm the only one who can define myself, so I let them be amused if it makes them happy. When I care too much about what others say, I'm wasting time on them instead of putting that effort into myself.

We all make mistakes and mess up in life. That’s just how life goes. It's taken me years to stop being hard on myself. Accept that everyone gets it wrong sometimes; it’s part of the human condition. You really are allowed to cut yourself some slack. Learn to forgive yourself more often.

FAILURE The big “F” word that everyone fears. It doesn’t have to be a scary concept. However,  ultimately, it depends on your opinion and attitude to failure. If you see failure as not being perfect, you will be permanently miserable. A more realistic idea of failure is giving up. If you haven’t given up, you haven’t failed. I  see failure as a learning curve, a trial and error process. See failure as your friend – it’s no big deal unless you allow it to be.

I have often worried about what I don't have rather than what blessings and gifts I've been given. The human default position tends to err on the side of lack rather than abundance, which is not conducive to feeling carefree. I have often focused on what I don’t have and end up feeling thoroughly deprived. What’s the point of that? I often tell myself to focus on what I have and leave the negatives of what I don’t have alone. Why should I  want to torture myself with all the things I don’t have? That type of thinking will not serve me in any productive way at all. I made a list of all the things in my life that I appreciate. Eric taught me many years ago that there will always be others with more and less. What you have is enough. Over the years, I've come to realize how actual those words are. I don't think ambition and money have anything to do with this,. I've met people who seem to think money is evil, but that is not actual. It's what you do with that money that can become evil.    

I have driven myself crazy, worrying about what might happen in the future. No one can predict the future, and there is no point in torturing myself unnecessarily about things that may never come to pass. I have to remind myself that this type of worry wastes energy and distracts from what is really important. It's hard, but I face worry head-on – if I can do something in the present moment,  I go for it. If not, I'll distract myself and put those worries on a shelf for another day.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SOMEONE SAY, “I’LL BE HAPPY WHEN…?”  I THINK WHEN WE BELIEVE THAT WE WILL BE HAPPY ONCE SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED, WE EFFECTIVELY PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD UNTIL THE EVENT HAPPENS. WISHING OUR CURRENT LIFE WERE DIFFERENT IS A PRECIOUS WASTE OF HAPPY MOMENTS IN LIFE. LIFE IS SHORT LIVE  IN THE MOMENT MORE AND CARE LESS ABOUT BEING HAPPY IN THE FUTURE. DECIDE TO BE HAPPY NOW. HAPPINESS IS NOT A DESTINATION; IT'S A MANNER OF TRAVELING.

Those who either read my blog or know me personally, know that I say I will live and die with no regrets. Regret is a part of life. The past cannot be undone, so it pays to look at what you have done in life philosophically. Did you learn something from it? If you knew never to do it again or to try a different approach, you’ve had a positive result. NOT A REGRET Accept what has gone before, make allowances for human error and move on. I refuse to live my life with regret; if we are honest with ourselves, we know when it's time to apologize or to forgive.

A part of me is so afraid of rejection that I stay in my comfort zone and never risk true intimacy. This past year I've been trying to wear my heart on my sleeve and risk being vulnerable. The more I hide out of fear, the greater the fear will grow. I'm trying hard to show myself I can express my feelings and live with the consequences. I can conquer the fear of rejection in this way and feel more carefree. Even if the outcome is not as expected, I will soon realize that it wasn’t as bad as anticipated and that I can deal with it. My daily affirmations and goals have helped me be a little more thick skinned, be brave and see life as an adventure.

I am not one who has bought into society's expectations of be thin, be beautiful. Show off your wealth and status and then you’ll be adored. What nonsense. When you like and accept yourself as you are, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. I don’t buy into the constant media images of perfection. Most of the images are airbrushed and lead us to believe that we should all look as perfect. I try not to take it to heart. We all like to see perfect images, but should not lose sight of the fact that most of it is digitally enhanced and not natural. Love yourself, imperfections and all. Self acceptance is true freedom. It's been almost a year since my partial facial paralysis forced me to come to the fact that I am never going to be the picture perfect woman, but has also taught me to soften my heart and listen with intentionality when others are struggling with these same issues, especially the youth of today. Don't mistake my thoughts with me thinking it's ok to be unhealthy--I just believe we each know when we are doing our best to look and be the best we can be. With that said, we also know when we could do a little more, not for society's view of perfection but for our own sense of approval. You are the only one who can make that decision.

Being good enough, is it enough? It’s easy to feel that we don’t measure up somehow. We live in a competitive world. It’s okay and even healthy to want to improve and grow as a person. It becomes unhealthy, though, when we internalize negative ideas about how we aren’t good enough, or we compare ourselves to the successful marriage next door, or the sports car parked in your brothers driveway. Always challenge this type of thinking. What is “good enough”? Where is the international rule book that clarifies what “good enough” is? As long as you feel happy with who you are, where you are and how far you have come, that is all that matters.

I don't know about you but I have  worried unnecessarily and created inner misery for myself over the years. Worrying about things that are completely out of my control. I can honestly say these have usually ended up being my biggest blessings, and growing experiences. Time is not endless, for me I've learned and understand from experiences this life will end, we all will die eventually. I am in that last act of my life, I want it to have a happily ever after ending--beginning my new journey with a smile and a feeling of accomplishment. Leaving a footprint big enough for my grandchildren to be proud to follow in.

• 
  

• 
  

DUMP IT

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2015

Dump It

 I’ve kept my mind preoccupied for the past couple of weeks. Instead of worrying about my surgery tomorrow, nothing I do keeps my mind off my mental pain.

I’ve been in situations where I feel like everything is against me. I know so many of us go through times when we are out of options and don’t know where to turn. I try to remember that anytime I don’t see a way out, God will repeatedly make a clear and precise way. I often try to find confidence in Him, remembering He has made promises. I’ve accepted that he will not take it away, so there is no way out but a way through.

I’ve been studying different stories in the bible about people who felt there was no hope but found out differently by having. In Genesis, there was a time when Moses led the children of Israel out of slavery and headed to the Promised Land. They didn’t get far before being close to their enemies, who wanted to enslave them again. They finally found themselves at the edge of the Red Sea, and it looked like there was no hope—but God! They cried to the Lord, and in Exodus 14:1,3, Moses said, “Fear not; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today.” Then Moses stretched out his hand, and the Lord caused a great wind to part the water so the people could move forward on dry land. But that’s not all! When the enemy army tried to cross the sea behind them, the water enveloped and destroyed them. The Israelites were finally free. 

I serve a Heavenly Father who wants to be the hero of my story! He is a God of miracles! He loves to show Himself strong on behalf of the people who seek after Him. I keep standing and believing because I know Heavenly Father will move me through difficult situations so I can take hold and believe in miracles again. It’s not always easy to do; I am human.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)

It says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You have been chosen by God Himself.” There have been times when I’ve felt left out. I’ve been disregarded by people who have overlooked me. But now I always remember the One who matters most chooses me. I was not randomly chosen. God, on purpose, looked at me and said, “I chose her. She's my daughter. That’s who I want on My team.”

In my youth, I was told, “You’re just too tall or too skinny,” But God said, “You’re just the right size for Me.” I have felt or been made to feel, “You’re not talented. We don’t need you. You don’t have anything to offer.” But each time, Heavenly Father said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are creative. You are anointed. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are amazing.” This has taken me a lifetime to understand. Those aches were real, but I can see the hand of God in my life by tracing back over those steps. I’m unsure why we hold on to the past so tightly. Driving home from the Mayo Clinic, feeling a little sorry for myself, I pulled into a Land Fill (weird, never been there before--it stinks.)

I parked, poured my heart out to the Lord, and dumped everything holding me back.

Dumped my fears today...

Looks like a lot of people dump here.

I know so many who have gone through more than their share of unfair situations. But here’s what I’ve learned. Even though life is not fair, God is fair. If we do not think something is wrong with us but instead start seeing ourselves as handpicked by God — valuable, lovable, with something great to offer, Heavenly Father says He will pay us back double. That means He’ll make the rest of our life twice as good as it would have been if that situation had never happened.

It’s time for me to dig my heels in. Not allowing what somebody did or didn’t do to steal my joy and cause me to go through life feeling not good enough, not talented, and not attractive. No, it’s time for me to realize I am a child of God. My value doesn’t come from people or accomplishments but from Him. I need to put my shoulders back. Hold my head up high. Live with confidence. God said He would take what was meant for harm and use it for my advantage. 

I’m trying to keep this attitude of faith, praying Heavenly Father will always give me the last laugh. I believe he’s trying hard to get me where I’m supposed to be. I may never run that marathon I’ve dreamed of, but God has something else for me to do. Heavenly Father has opened doors for me. A year ago, I thought I was on the road to recovery, complete healing. I soon found out the Lord had another mission for me to full fill. With all my heart, my Heavenly Father is bringing light into my life for a new journey and peace. The person I am becoming is so much bigger than any monetary means. Because my Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knew I would have difficulty looking in the mirror and liking who I saw staring back. In fact, He knows this will take years of aching, crying, and suffering before I will be ok with that image in the mirror. The knowledge I have learned is this, He never gives up on any of us.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

Begging VS. Believing

 

FRIDAY, JANUARY 30, 2015

Begging vs. Believing

When Haleigh was about 13 years old, she asked Eric, "Dad, when I get my driver's license will you buy me a car?"  Eric said, "Yes, we will have a car for you to drive" I remember this because I told Eric, "I wish you wouldn't have promised her a car; we will have to hear about it for 3 years now. What if our situation changes and you can't keep your promise?"  Eric looked at me and said, "I always keep my promises" I dreaded having to listen to Haleigh constantly ask about that car. To my surprise, she never asked again; she talked about how happy she was about the prospect of her driver's license and freedom, but she never asked about the car again.

I have often thought about that. Eric was so confident he could provide a car for her to drive that he felt comfortable making a promise. She believed him; he had never lied to her before. I know Eric well enough to know if Haleigh had continued to bug him about the car for the next 3 years, he would have been hurt or annoyed. The hurt may have come from her not trusting his word. 

I have often asked in Faith for the Lord to heal me. He heard me for the first time and knew the answer before I asked it. The first time he listened to my prayer, the miracle was in motion. He never said it would be easy or quick. What I thought was my question was me begging. He thinks, "Why is she asking me this again? I already answered her. Does she not believe me?"

Lazarus was dead for days when Jesus thanked Heavenly Father for bringing him to life before it happened. My mind tells me some things are impossible. I need to have more Faith and thank Heavenly Father for the answers before they come. Having Faith means I cannot see the answer, but He will provide the solution. The Heavenly Father already knows, and he has given his word. He must feel bad when I beg and plead with him.

 I've been getting all my initial pre-operative work done this week. Did I mention I'm having surgery on February 6? This will be my 23rd surgery in less than 5 years. A huge part of me wants to thoroughly check it out. I'm so done with hospitals, surgery, and doctors. The other side says, "It's not your time yet. I can do all things through Christ."

Trying to find a vein today, the RN asked me, "Do they usually have a hard time finding your veins?" I smiled and politely replied, "Yes, they usually do" She was frustrated, and after the sixth poke, she said, "I'm going to try one more time. If I can't get a drawback, I will get someone to help me" She finally had to take the blood out of the upper part of my arm just below my elbow. Painful? Yes, it was, but I was calm. Before she rolled me into the CT scan, I asked if she would shut my right eyelid. She did; what a job, was my thought. When the contrast entered my body, a sudden warmth penetrated every cell. It was a strange sensation; my fingers tingled, I needed to pee, and my ears burned. This was all done at the Maricopa County Hospital. Dr. Lettieri is employed by the Mayo Clinic in Rochester but does facial trauma surgery at Mayo Clinic and Maricopa. More about him later; I am again blessed with an incredible surgeon.

I left Maricopa Hospital and went to the Mayo Clinic Hospital to finish the rest of my pre-operative work. Time to collapse some more veins. I dreaded going into the blood lab, knowing they would have difficulty finding a vein. After another 7 or 8 pokes, she finally got a smaller needle, which I had asked her to do in the beginning ... No one believed me. She finally found a working vein on the side of my left hand close to my wrist...painful? Umm ... Yes, but grateful she found one. She had tears in her eyes. I told her it was ok, and she said it looked like I had been poked earlier. I told her she said she couldn't believe how calm I was. I left there, sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel, and cried just a little.

I must believe the Lord is on my side; he knows what is best for me. Put it in his hands and let it go. Today, I will thank him for the healing coming my way.

Divine Connections

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2015

Divine Connections

God knows every hair on my head. He knows who I am, and he knows what my future is. With this knowledge, I should have no fear. If I trust in the Lord, there should be no doubt of His love for me.
Living entirely in faith, knowing he will lead and guide me, is hard sometimes. I know He has my plan already mapped out. I've said so many times nothing happens by mistake. People come and go in my life for a reason, and I've made divine connections with some incredible individuals.

At Cleveland Clinic last summer, I met a woman named Darlene Ballard. I sat in the waiting area, feeling vulnerable and weak. I looked to my right, and she was sitting with her friend (I believe). I noticed Darlene right away. Her eye was completely shut. Without hesitation, I walked over and sat beside her. "Do you mind if I ask you what happened to your eye?" I knew I was taking a risk by asking such a bold question. Perhaps she was not like me. Would she be offended? I'm so glad I decided to speak with her. She turned to me, and immediately I felt something, a bond. "Of course, I don't mind." Darlene continued to tell me why her eye was closed. She had a benign tumor. It wrapped around her eye. Although she was elated the diagnosis was not favorable for cancer, this was and is a significant trial to overcome. Her journey with this unexpected burden will not soon be over. In fact, she will probably deal with this for the rest of her life. She explained that the surgeon could not get all the tumors, even after a grueling surgery. She was positive. She showed me her eye was beginning to open just a bit. I asked her if her eye would ever wholly open. Darlene said her surgeon told her it would open.

Last Sunday night, I received a phone call from Darlene. She was simply calling to check on me. We talked for quite a while. She has had another surgery since I last saw her. She explained it would take several surgeries to get the entire tumor. I believe she came into my life for a divine purpose. Sometimes the Lord closes a door so that another one can open. I know there is no support group for losing a nerve. However, Darlene and I have struggled with similar feelings and emotions. It is my pleasure to call her my new friend. I will continue to pray for her full recovery.

I've learned I cannot force things in my life to happen; I can't manipulate God and his timing. He brings the right people into my life, so I can weed out the wrong. This sounds strong. The truth is there will always be good and evil in life. We cannot know the good without experiencing the bad. We can only see the light if we have experienced the darkness.

My dear friend Sheldon passed away this week. I made a divine connection with him. I will always be grateful for that connection. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2008. I was diagnosed in 2009. Over these past 5 and a half years, we connected on a different level than I could with other people. Sometimes all I needed to do was turn around during church to meet his eye; at that moment, we both knew. I could see in his face if he was having a good or bad week. Today, my immediate prompting was to turn and see if he was there. Sheldon was a quiet giant; I never heard him complain. We shared moments, thoughts, and feelings about oncologists, medicine, chemo, and side effects. He had a great love for his family. He deeply loved his wife Kit and his children Estee, Noah, Peri, and Chloe. I often listened to him share his feelings about each one of his children. He didn't want Kit to deal with the effects of cancer and often took it all on himself. Kit was an incredible caregiver and strength for him. She was well aware of his care and was always concerned. She made sure Sheldon ate clean and healthy. I was always impressed at how well she balanced everything in her life. I understood him wanting to do things his way. I have felt those feelings of concern for my own family.   There have been many times I have chosen to not tell my family what is happening in my world at Mayo Clinic. I think this is normal for many people who deal with life-altering events.

I will be eternally grateful for the divine connections I have made. With my Heavenly Father, this connection has been invaluable. As I continue the journey of life, I will always recognize a prompting to introduce myself, find a friend or share a moment.

I AM

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2015

I Am

The past couple of months have been a mix of emotions. I am so excited for our new grandbaby to arrive in February. Kaitlyn is so cute and pregnant, and I love watching Brian transitioning from husband mode to the responsibility of becoming a father. They are going to be fantastic parents.

I've decided Cleveland Clinic is a great facility, but not for me. It's too difficult to be away from my family. After my last surgery in December, I have not heard back from them. This makes me nervous. We have been told several times that there is a small window of opportunity when working with a nerve. After discussing my feelings with Heather and Doctor Barrs, we decided to get me in with a fantastic doctor at Mayo Clinic. He is employed by Rochester Mayo Clinic but resides here in Arizona. He works at the Maricopa County Hospital and surgeries at Mayo Clinic in Arizona, seeing nerve and trauma patients every Wednesday and FridaFridays blessed to get an appointment with him.

I will have another surgery on February 8 feel good about the procedure Dr. Lettieri will perform. With this first surgery, I will have a much longer, more risky surgery in a few months. I will be spending at least a week in the ICU. I am at peace with our decision. I know I will be questioned about why I am going through more surgeries. Several people have already told me that if my doctor wants to do any more, I should say to them no. It was suggested I should just be happy with how I look and move forward.

I have contemplated and pondered that bold statement for over a month now. I am not a quitter; I am strong and willing to do whatever it takes to regain my smile. Vain? I am not fighting against a time frame to work with this nerve. I know myself well enough to know I will have regrets if I don't try, and that window closes. I choose to leave this life with no shame. Once I am told there is nothing more they can do, I will let go, but until then, this is what I think is best.

I want to point out that only 2% of people with a nerve die for no reason. This is not caused by a stroke or Bell's palsy. Most of those patients have a complete restoration of facial paralysis. My nerve is dead. It is not returning to life, not with therapy or standing in front of the mirror daily, begging facial muscles to move. There is no comfort I get knowing I need to live with this. There are no support groups. I have felt alone and disconnected from my family and friends. I have shed more tears over this than ever over my cancer diagnosis. I will not apologize to anyone for how I feel. I would hope people would be considerate of the decisions I have to make; they are difficult.

Most of us, including me, have this conception of ourselves. None of us want to think we are concerned with the look on our faces. I am here to tell you unless you have been through this, a part of that 2%, you do not know how you would handle it. This has messed with my head and made me doubt myself. I'm trying so hard to be patient, to remember when I felt like most of you. The fact is, I am part of that 2%, and I do have to deal with it. This may take years for me to feel comfortable. So many people have asked me why I am involved with Nerium International. It has been a year now since I made that decision. Before the paralysis, I felt like I needed to get out of the cancer world, and instead of always thinking about my next doctor appointment, I reconnected with friends.

Little, my life's best decisions were to with self-development. I know, without a doubt, the Lord was watching me. He knew what this facial paralysis would do to me. I have learned to love myself on a level wholly different than I ever imagined I could. Happiness comes from within; it is a process of finding yourself. I am in that process now. I have friends who don't know anything about my cancer journey, who didn't know me before the facial paralysis. They have helped me along this road of self-awareness. My friends, who have known me for years and seen me through so much, will forever be embedded in my heart; I love them eternally.

I have nothing to offer Nerium International, the company will grow and flourish with or without me, but I need to thrive and grow right now. I feel a part of something special; the philosophy of the company I already believed in, the integrity and loyalty I think is something I have wanted to be a part of my entire life. This is so much more than money for me, and I can make a difference and help others do the same. Right now, this is where I need to be. I have relied on the Lord for 5 years to make the correct decisions. I will not turn my back on the feelings I have now. I know He is with me and blessing me along this journey. I am continually telling myself I am beautiful, a daughter of God, an influence, and important, I am going to survive, and I am choosing the right.