Brain Scan

 I thought I was past getting these scans. My neurologist wants to continue scanning my brain. I have fallen a lot since I was diagnosed with Meningitis. I've had an increase in migraines. 

I arrived at Mayo Clinic Hospital's first floor for the scan. This is a scan or (MRI) I have never experienced. First, I had to get dressed in the gown, and then I was taken into a room where the nurse had a hard time finding a vein. (no big surprise) After being poked several times, she finally found a baby vein in my finger; she was nice enough to use the infant needles. Most nurses don't listen to me when I tell them it's hard to find a vein in me, and they continue with big needles and blow out my veins. Today, I was blessed with a nurse who could see no veins, used baby needles, and proceeded. She was so kind and gentle.

She accompanied me to the waiting area, where two men were waiting. I was called first and followed the technician to the MRI machine room. He explained to me that this was not a typical MRI. With their magnetic process, the sounds will be more intense and different than I'm used to. I'm assuming I am also not allowed to have music on because of the metal in the earbuds or headphones.

As they rolled me into this massive MRI machine, I lay still as they asked. I closed my eyes and dreamed of Frenchie and me in Porte Jaune riding bikes. This was the most exciting romantic trip we had ever been on. I'm not scared or anxious going into Mayo Clinic today, Eric usually had to give me a pep talk when I go into these procedures. Today, my memories with my love helped me get through the racket going on in this machine. Before I knew it they pulled me out and connected me to the IV in my finger. This will give the specific dye my body needs for the techs to see anything unusual. I could feel the dye going through my body, but once again my Frenchie was smiling down on me with that twinkle in his eye.

"See You Soon"

 I got out of bed at 6:30 a.m. this morning. I didn't sleep last night, staring at the ceiling fan going around and around. The sun came up, and I knew I only had a couple of hours to be ready to go to my sweet, sweet husband's funeral. I wanted to look pretty for him but knew that would not happen. I've been crying for over two weeks; my eyes are puffy, and the crooked face is not helping. I keep trying to remember to let go of things I have no control over, but this is too hard. 

I wore a black dress with a white waistline. I have lost so much weight worrying about my children and how I could make things better. I weighed myself this morning, and I was 126 pounds. I'm afraid of losing anymore. I'm in a size 4. Nothing in my closet fits. I really wanted to look suitable for Frenchie today. While getting ready, I thought, "Who am I trying to impress? No one; Frenchie was my only love, and I've always wanted to look my best for him."

My talk would not print off. Blake called and said Chloe was on her way to pick me up. It was so frustrating. I finally grabbed my laptop and purse and greeted Weslie and Zeek at the door. Big hugs for Bonbon. I love them with all my heart. I remember when Vi passed on, Ben was the oldest grandson. He was so young, and today, he attended Ton Ton's funeral as a husband and father of four, with the oldest being older than he was when she died. Where does the time go?? 

We finally made it to the church. Eric's casket was already in the Relief Society room, so I sat in the front row. The florals Haleigh Brownlee made are so beautiful. Doran and Shannon came with their families. I haven't seen all of them together for years. Kurt, Amy, and their families arrived, and Dean and Raylani's families came in. I think I'm getting old. Uncle Mike came in and sat right next to me. I love having him here. He had on a dark blue suit and tie and looked so handsome.

When everyone was seated, Bunker Funeral Home directors approached me and asked if I wanted to assist them in putting the cap on Eric to finish off his beautiful Temple clothes. A rush of anxiety rushed through my veins; I had no idea they would open the casket today. I assisted or watched as they put on his cap, kissed him on the forehead, and sat down. Then, they asked if anyone wanted to come forward to say their final goodbyes to Eric. I didn't know that was going to happen either. Dwight grabbed Blake and walked him up to see Eric; I was so nervous for Blake. He didn't want to see his dad. I wondered what he was thinking. Karen Gruninger bought fourteen leis from Hawaii, and we all wore them. Mine was purple and white and smelled pretty.

We walked as a family behind the casket and took our seats in the front rows. My heart was racing; how was this even possible? We were supposed to have another twenty to thirty years together. I left my phone at home and regretted it later. Plus, I know Eric would have wanted me to take many pictures. Bishop Witt Randall was conducting; Terry Lents stood and told great memories of working with Eric for thirty years, and then he opened with a prayer. Eric would have loved to have people of other faiths, and he loved Terry. Kurt talked of his memories with Eric growing up. Dwight and Kendall Ray shared their memories of Eric, too. Brent Slade sang How Great Thou Art. The spirit was so strong, and the music beautiful. I know Eric loved hearing Brent's voice. Blake and my girls were brave and poignant when speaking about their dad. Clyde Bawden played the most beautiful medley of songs. I thought my legs would give out on me walking up to the pulpit. Thank you, Haleigh, for walking up with me. I have no idea what I said, but there was nothing in my notes.

The closing Hymn was God Be With You Till We Meet Again. Then Doran said the closing prayer. Many people were at the burial, and it was an honor to be Eric's wife. Brian dedicated the grave, and it was beautiful. Brian has always been good at everything he does.

Weslie came and sat on my lap; she was crying really hard. I tried to comfort her but also wanted her to know it was ok to cry; she missed Papa. I put my lei' on his casket; my grandchildren put lei's on his casket, too. Then, we watched as they lowered the casket to the ground. This day was an unbelievable tribute to my sweet Frenchie. He would have been so proud of his children, I was.

Frenchie is in Arizona (finally)

This morning, I woke up and had to run to the Desseret Book Store to pick up new pants for Eric's burial. I then met the kids at Bunker Funeral Home. This is so surreal, I haven't been able to sleep I miss Eric so much.

I'll see you in the stars

Today, I was alone most of the day. I started to go through Eric's paperwork ... I worked on separating medical, bank, and other stuff. Eric's body is supposed to be flown home tomorrow. I miss him and still cannot believe I will never physically hug or kiss him again.

Florence fell and broke her little arm in two places while Kaitlyn was at my house helping with plans for her dad's funeral arrangements. I felt so sorry for her when I saw the pictures. Florence is our youngest grandchild and is as cute as can be. She looks just like Kaitlyn did when she was a little girl.

When I took the garbage out tonight, I walked out the front door and saw the brightest, twinkling star—the only one I saw in the dark sky. I dropped the garbage and knew it was Eric winking at me. I could feel him watching over me. I stared at the star, wanting him to jump from the sky and hold me. After picking up the mess and getting it to the garbage can, I sat on my front doorstep staring at that star with memories of Eric and me. 

All the years we have shared together have allowed me to have thousands of memories with one of the greatest men I have ever met. We were not perfect parents, but we did our best with what we knew. We often talked about our children and asked each other if we could have done any better. One night, I remember him telling me we could have done better; he wished he had been more active in their lives, and his biggest regret was not attending church with them weekly. My biggest regret is that I wish I had been more patient, lowered my voice, and softened my heart. Then we talked about all the good memories that left us laughing and smiling. There were more good memories than bad. We loved each of our children unconditionally. We agreed it was just as hard to parent our adult children as it was for our once young babies, toddlers, and teenagers. No parent is perfect and we agreed our children will only understand that once they have adult children.

It was a special experience to stare at that star. So many fun, happy, silly memories ran through my head as tears dribbled down my cheeks. "I miss you, Frenchie."

WHY? Maui Day 5

My sweetheart died on February 21, 2024. My heart is broken. The day started out great. We woke up, and Eric was making breakfast. We decided to spend another day at the beach. Dwight and Eric wanted to snorkel. 

We arrived at the beach and found our space. There were quite a few people at Black Rock Beach. Eric kissed me and said, "I love you; see you soon." I said, "I love you and better see you soon." This was different for Frenchie to say that to me. I have told him for years that when someone passes away, he should never say goodbye, always say, 'See you soon.'

Jori took this picture of

Dwight and Eric as they walked off.

Eric was dead within an hour.

Jori and I settled in. I put on my headphones and relaxed. Soon, two women ran down the beach, yelling, "Jori or Monya?" Jori answered them, and we were running toward Dwight in a panic. I immediately knew something was wrong with Eric, and my heart started beating hard. He was lying on the beach, and paramedics were working on him. I stood by while paramedics worked on him for what seemed an hour. It was scary; I was screaming through my tears, "Don't leave me, Eric. Wake up, please." or "Heavenly Father, please don't take him from me." I begged and pleaded while listening to this machine say, "Start compressions" and then "Stop compressions." A very kind policeman stood by my side when he said, "There is nothing more we can do; he is gone. I'm so sorry we are calling it at 12:45." I dropped to my knees, yelling, and now hysterically crying, "No, please, no. Keep trying."

I watched as they wrapped Eric in something to carry him to the ambulance. The policeman walked with me to the ambulance. I kept thinking. "What is happening? This can't be true. We arrived at what looked like a garage (holding area for the dead). The paramedics got Eric out of the ambulance, and the policeman got me a chair and then said, "You can stay with him for as long as you want." I thought, as long as I wanted ...? Maybe he'll wake up if he feels my warm body on him. I began rubbing his chest and arms with my hands, praying for him to wake up ... why wasn't he listening to me ... WAKE UP, PLEASE, WAKE UP ... my voice fell on deaf ears, and my tears fell on his face as I held him close.

Soon, Jori and Dwight showed up but gave me space and time to say, "See you soon."

Jori took this picture from behind me. 

Dwight and I shared some exhausting

tears. A very kind Hawaiian woman

wiped the sand off Eric's face.

We stayed until the paramedics returned and told us they had another call. We would have to say our 'goodbyes.' Then they wheeled him into a room with another dead body. My head was spinning. I am so grateful to Jori and Dwight for being with us. Jori took some notes from the other policeman standing with us. All I could think about was him being in that little closet with another body. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground and pretty sure I took Jori down with me; I fainted and not very gracefully. I felt so bad for Jori, and I was pretty embarrassed. 

I called Blake to tell him on our ride back to the resort. This surprised Jori and Dwight, who now tell me we had decided not to call him until we were safe in the resort condo. Blake asked me, "What's wrong?" When he heard me crying, I said, "Blake dad died today." He raised his voice and said, "What? Nooo." I handed the phone to Jori because I could not talk.

Maui Day Four

Today, Frenchie got up early. He wanted to see the sunrise, and he was excited that Jori was awake and wanted to go with him. Then he started helping make breakfast. Dwight was next up and helped finish the breakfast. I had a protein drink. We all put on our swimsuits and went on another adventure.

Today we went whale watching, boy there were a lot of whales Eric was in Heaven. 

We had so much fun that it felt like we were on our honeymoon—actually, it felt better than that. Eric and I are so happy right now. I'm grateful for him. Eric works so hard and has always provided for his family. Family means everything to him, I have encouraged him to have good connections with each of his children. It makes me really sad that the perception they have about my mothering is completely different than my perspective. I don't remember ever having problems we couldn't fix while I raised them. Eric keeps telling me not to worry; he will reunite the family. I have my doubts those girls are really, really angry with me. But for now, it's just me and Frenchie. This past year has been hard, but he and I are moving forward with or without the girls in my life. We are getting older and want to spend the rest of our time together having fun.

Monya

Maui Day 3

 Today we went to a beautiful beach. It was called McKenna Beach. Of course, Eric got bored just sitting, so he and Dwight took a little hike over the mountain. I knew Dwight would be careful to ensure Eric would not overdo it. 

Jori and I stayed. We were good just visiting with each other on the beach. Around an hour or two later, the boys came back with big smiles on their faces. I asked Eric what in the world was making him smile so big. He said, "On the other side of that rock mountain is the most beautiful lagoon." I said, "Oh wow, I wish I wasn't worried about hiking over those rocks. I'd go with you." He laughed and said, "It was quite a hike, I took my time, but it was worth it. It's a naked beach ..." I was so surprised I giggled and said, "Seriously? What did you and Dwight do." Now Dwight, Jori, and Eric were all laughing. Eric said, "Well, Dwight said to me, "you ready to go for it?" Then I said, "Hell yeah, we took off our swimsuits and went swimming." I roared, laughing, and said, "You know everyone on the beach thought you two were 'partners'?" Dwight and Eric laughed and said simultaneously, "Who cares? We had so much fun and just made a memory." I could understand that Eric always says "Life is Good."

Maui Day 2

 Oh boy, today was a good day in Hawaii; well, really, when is it not a good day in Hawaii?

We went to the beach, ate at a food truck, and laughed with Jori and Dwight. They are the best friends, and we have had so much fun spending time with them.

Having one-on-one time with Eric has been so fun; he's so happy. He kept saying how beautiful Maui was and wanted to look at real estate for a small home. The man loves real estate and the beach. His mom served her mission in Hawaii, and we talked a bit about her. We both miss her; Eric is very private and does not talk about her too much except with me. He loved her dearly, and seeing where she served made him feel closer to her. I love seeing him so happy. He enjoys life and never takes for granted every breath of life. Today was a good day!!!

MAUI Here We Come Day 1

 This morning we boarded a Southwest plane with Dwight and Jori Udall, friends we have loved for more than forty years. Yes, Southwest Airlines. Eric and I have not flown on any other airline than American Airlines in 19 years, but we wanted to be on the same flight as the Udall's. So much for a non-stop, the pilot announced we needed to land in LAX to get fuel.... WHAT?

When we arrived at the airport Frenchie got a wheelchair for me and told them I needed to pre-board. I was perfectly fine to walk, I asked him why he did that and he said, "I forgot to check in and this is the only way we can pick a seat with Jori and Dwight." Okay, I was down for a little sneaky sneaky!!

Frenchie was so excited to use his new iPad to watch movies on. Problem is he didn't sync it to his phone and could not do it on the airplane. I looked over at him and he was watching Barbie on his phone, I laughed and asked why would he want to watch that movie, it's just not him. He said, "Haleigh told me it was really good, and I like it." Okay then, have fun I thought.

When we arrived to Maui Frenchie was so excited for our first stop to be at COSTCO. He is a COSTCO junkie, SAMS is a close second. I loved watching him, he was like a child in a candy store. He found not one but three swimsuits, but still didn't want to pay full price. I reminded him that he has lost so much weight none of his other suits would fit him. He has worked so hard to be healthy and he has lost over 130 pounds. He was so proud of himself and I was proud of him too, the man loves food. Since his heart attack he has been eating clean with me. I showed him instead of looking at what he couldn't eat he should be looking at all the wonderful things he could eat. It's been a journey and we deserve this vacation.

The resort we stayed at was absolutely beautiful, Jori and Dwight have a time share in Maui. We told them we would love to come with them anytime they need companions. We were exhausted that first night. So off to our room we knelt and said our prayers holding hands, then fell asleep.

Happy Birthday CJ, today we celebrate you!!

Packing for Hawaii

 Frenchie and I are going to Maui with Jori and Dwight tomorrow. We are so excited. It has been a long time since we last went on a trip like this. I have to make this short because I need to sleep.

As we were busily packing tonight, Frenchie said, "Why are we rushing? Get over here and dance with me. He put on a song we both love called IF by Bread. I thought it was so sweet of him to do that. I love him so much; his heart attack has helped us remember we only have this moment right now to love and share what time we have left together.

Eric wants me to retire by next January. He said we would retire together. It shocked me. I never thought he would stop working, but I think he wants to spend as much time together as we can. He always tells me every day how much he loves me and how grateful he is to have me as his best friend. I believe I have the best husband and best friend I could ask for.

Okay, I'm off to bed, ready to see what adventures Frenchie and I will discover in Maui. More memories to make-I just love him so much.

Disney On Ice

     Chloe and Blake gave me tickets for Christmas to take Weslie to Disney on Ice for my birthday. Weslie and I talked the entire way to the stadium and were very excited about the show. We arrived early and were able to get a really great parking spot. We found where we were supposed to sit, then went out to the vendors for yummy food, drinks, and, of course, to buy a souvenir for Weslie. She is so sweet and asked if we could get something for Zeek. I already had that idea in mind, but when Weslie said, "I would rather get something for Zeek if you don't have enough money." My heart ... oh my heart!! I love this little girl. She is so polite and kind, and she is only seven years old, far older in maturity than seven years old. I also noticed she saved half of everything we ordered for treats and saved them for Zeek. He had popcorn, half a churro, half of her cotton candy, and a souvenir.

    I loved watching Weslie as the Characters came onto the ice; she was so wide-eyed and excited that it warmed my heart. She sang along to the music and announced the characters' names as they entered the ice. Weslie is so sweet. I loved every second with her.