Surgery with Doctor Lettieri

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2015

Surgery with Doctor Lettieri

 It's been challenging to blog about current events. I've signed a book deal. However, I am going to keep up my blog. Soon, it will have the logo from my book. I will also have a FB page for caregivers, survivors, or anyone wanting to know how to comfort a friend, family member, or loved one during and after cancer has been diagnosed.

I entered the Mayo Clinic Hospital early on December 2, 2015. The last surgery I had with Dr. Lettieri was successful. He took a nerve from my leg and masterfully entered behind my left ear through the left side of my face under my lip. We were told if the surgery was a success, we would feel it grow one inch per month. It has done just that, and now it is time to finish the job. This is a very tedious surgery; finding a viable nerve from the right side of my face will take a few hours.

When I woke up in recovery, it was a little scary for Eric--not sure if I was having a stroke or reaction to medicine--either way, I dry heaved for over 24 hours. Did you know dry heaving hurts?

After neurology was quickly called to the rescue, I had CT-PT-MRI and brain scans--no sign of stroke--however, since I was still in much pain and dry heaving, I was kept for longer than expected.
My surgeon, Dr. Lettieri, is in Italy...What the Heck? Do Doctors get vacations?

I needed to go to the Mayo Clinic since the surgery sight was bleeding. I was temporarily fixed but will see another Surgeon when Dr. Lettieri returns. (Monday) Nothing was wrong with the surgeon I could see, but my ultimate choice is Dr. Lettieri--FOREVER- I made the mistake of going to Cleveland Clinic on a suggestion --HUGE MISTAKE -- I will never do that again.

While working on the nerve in my face, Dr. Lettieri had no choice but to try and work around my paraded gland. I know this gland and the damage that can happen if I don't get it fixed, but I am not seeing anyone else but Dr. Lettieri. The gland, for those of you who don't know, is the gland where your saliva generates. This gland was compromised, and my face has backed up blood, either running down my throat or out of my incision. We cannot keep it controlled with our own packing.

I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. Lettieri next week with more updates.

New Baby Coming

 

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2015

New Baby Coming

Today, as I entered the Mayo Clinic there was no piano playing. I proceeded to the lab to get blood drawn and tests necessary. My next stop was to see Doctor Northfelt, my oncologist.  I had an hour and a half wait. I heard the piano playing and decided to sit and wait in the peaceful lobby. I listened to the waterfall, and occasionally I could hear doctors and patients interacting as they walked by. But today I was grateful I could really enjoy the music coming from the Piano. This was much better than sitting on the third floor and smelling the sickness of chemo in the air. I put my head back and closed my eyes.  He started to play a medley of songs from The Sound of Music (my favorite movie of all time) It was enchanting to listen to. I remember when Eric and I visited Austria a few years ago after I finished my rounds of chemo and radiation. As each song played, I pictured that day we visited. I am a blessed lady. While there have been so many distractions in my life, in the past few years I have been blessed with so much. Patience is a virtue I never thought I could conquer, but in the case of my health, I have learned it is invaluable. I have been blessed with incredible doctors all from the Mayo Clinic, and Doctor Haberkamp from the Cleveland Clinic.

Last Sunday Blake and Chloe announced they are expecting their first baby in February. The doorbell rang, I answered, and outside was a set of three balloons with a note that said to read to the Family. I was then asked to pop the balloon that reads #1 on it, so I did. Inside was an ultrasound picture. I quickly wanted to read note #2 it read that someone in the family would be bringing grandchild #4 to join us in February. I thought for sure it was Kaitlyn and Brian. Scott and Haleigh, Blake, and Chloe have all been very verbal about waiting to have children. The third balloon was supposed to be popped by Eric, but I didn't know Oh, and I forgot to mention I was popping these balloons with a butcher knife. I quickly popped #3 to find out who it was.........Blake and Chloe......... Chloe said, "Monya look at the color of the confetti inside the balloon...." It was PINK. This will be our first granddaughter. I of course went crazy running around crying, happy, hugging them all the while with the butcher knife in my hand.... I'm sure it was an ugly sight, and I might have said a curse word... Eric and I are so happy. Blake has been such a great brother to his sisters, and compassionate and loving to me, and to Chloe, he will be an incredible dad. Chloe is so great with all the nephews and really loves them, I know she is going to be a wonderful mother.  I keep thinking about her mom who passed away with cancer during the time I was going through chemo. She is with our little granddaughter now, sharing with her all the love she has and passing on a legacy for Chloe to follow.

Hopes and dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2015

Hopes and Dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

This time 6 years ago I waited anxiously for a negative diagnosis of cancer.  Not receiving the news I was expecting, looking back on this journey I've been on I realize I am being prepared. For what? That I can't answer, I'm not sure I want to know.  I would be lying if I said I have not had days when I want to crawl up in my bed, close my eyes, and not wake up.  I have felt unmeasurable pain, physical, mental, and spiritual.  I think we all want to believe we are "strong" If I had a dime for every time someone has told me how "strong" I am in the past 6 years, I'd be a rich woman. I'm grateful to those people.  So many times I have prayed for a miracle and felt abandoned. Now that I've cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool I trust in Him.  So many of us have a hard time recognizing the blessings that come in disguise of a trial.

The funny thing about that is, I am a rich woman. Not in a monetary way, but I am richer in the strength of who I am. I've been forced to live my life with loneliness, hardships, and pain. What if I had not experienced these things?  Where would I be now? Who would I be?  He has bigger and better plans for me. I am in the midst of fulfilling commitments and I know He will keep His promises to me. I will serve others, and be happy with whatever circumstances come my way.

I have had to learn to challenge my thinking and to lean on a positive environment of people.  I'm trying to learn how to balance my life.  Work, family, Nerium, Mayo Clinic, friends, personal development, and daily intentional goals have helped me to keep focused on what is most important.  I've had to be brave in circumstances where others don't understand or actually don't have the capacity to understand what this past year has done for me. Just when I thought I could never look myself in the mirror again, I became brave I let it define and refine me.  I learned that my face is not who I am.  I can't say I have fully embraced the idea of a partially paralyzed face.

A year ago I read a book that changed my life and added value to who I am, I will forever be grateful for having the knowledge before I read it, that I am a beloved woman of God. If not for having that testimony I probably would not have been able to make effective choices,. I've learned your thoughts either serve your growth or serve your decline. It's been proven we make an average of 90,000 thoughts every day. I've always been a journal writer, and a reader and I love good uplifting Christian music so when I read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, I was like a sponge. I can attest to the power of words but as a child words were usually to my detriment. The Slight Edge convinced and reconfirmed to me I have been led and whispered to by the spirit all these years, I'm exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.

Humility is a word I probably would have never used to describe myself 6 years ago. I'm progressing by studying everything I can get my hands on. While studying I often think of all the people who have touched my life. Who I think are a true example of humility. Not one of these people knows they are humble, isn't that interesting? It is who they are, an attribute they have mastered without knowing they have. Some of these people have had devastating events happen in their lives and learned to control their thoughts and actions to mirror match a Christlike attitude. Others seem to not have had any apparent significant trials in their lives. They surround themselves or have been surrounded by proactive people who have built them up, and showed them compassion and unconditional love. The attribute of Humility is such a blessing, and not easy to accomplish.

During my reading of the Slight Edge and studying scriptures, I am finally able to say I believe in the power of the brain and how our thoughts, positive or negative can affect everything. I made the choice to look at myself in the mirror every day and say "You will smile someday" It's been over a year, and I've had 3 doctors tell me I will never smile again, I will never have facial movement on the right side of my face. I'm glad to report not all doctors are in charge of the outcome of a positive mental attitude. Dr. Lettieri told me I would smile again. He has encouraged me to continue to work that muscle.  Every morning for a year I tell myself over and over again "I will smile again" and then I tell my brain to tell my mouth to move. Dr. Lettieri has never given up on me, he has never said "You Can't or you Won't" It sometimes requires a surgical procedure but I am slowly but surely starting to tell my brain to simultaneously smile when I tell it to. It's working, I am reaping the rewards of my daily affirmations. It's a slight smile, but what's more important is realizing, just like reading from a good book every day, kneeling to pray every day, having faith all things I've done all my life are things I have mastered by doing them receptively. Those things are a part of who I am, If I stopped doing those things it would be like not brushing my teeth every day, eventually they would rot. It really has been such a slight change, but adding it to my daily routine has strengthened not only my brain and facial muscle but also led me to believe an arrow could be shot at me and I could repel it.

I am endeared to Dr. Lettieri, and to Heather Lucas. She has seen me through so much.  I miss Dr. Kreymerman and wish he was here to see my progress. Dr. Lettieri has now been renamed as my "smile doctor."

He said I would, I said I could and I am making progress. I am beginning to dream again, to have hope for my future. Prayer is the greatest miracle in my life when burdens have weighed me down, prayer from so many people has helped me to believe in myself again.  Putting my faith in Him I believe I have even greater miracles to come. He could take away all of this but His plan is perfect in every way. These trials are refining me into the woman I've always dreamed of being.

Post-Op with Dr. Sal Lettieri

 

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2015

Post-Op with Dr. Sal Lettieri

This past week has been challenging, not because of the pain from the surgery. Staying home and not being able to drive has been difficult. Today, I had my post-op appointment with Dr. Lettieri. Sonya was so sweet to take me to Mayo. I don't like anyone to go with me because it is not a fun way to spend time. This time, I was forced to ask for help; Eric could not go because my appointment time was changed at the last minute. I wondered what she would think of Dr. Lettieri and hoped she would love him as much as I do. I warned her as soon as I introduced her as my sister Sonya, he would have an intelligent comeback about Monya-Sonya. I was right, and he asked why. "I said it was the '60s."  He laughed and asked if we had another sister named Tonya, and of course, I said, "Oh no, that would be too easy. Her name is Kris.
Today, he had a young resident with him, Dr. Deep, charming and incredibly young. Immediately, Dr. Lettieri announced he was not happy with the eye surgery. We will wait until all the swelling goes down, and then he will decide how to proceed with more surgery. My eyes started to open yesterday, dripping more than ever. He said it would get worse and wished he had been a little more aggressive with the bottom lid; it's drooping more than Dr. L wanted it to be.
Dr. Lettieri was pleased about my nerve cross graft he did in February; it is even better than he had expected. I plan to wait for eye surgery and have him do that simultaneously with the nerve surgery. I didn't mention that to him today; I will see him again soon.
Heather took out the rest of the stitches in my eye while Dr. Deep and Dr. Lettieri talked doctor talk-way over my head.
Today was good news about the nerve but surprising news about my eye. I could tell he was disappointed. I told him, "It's OK," and he said, "Not for me."  I assumed he was being hard on himself because he's a perfectionist. He said, "No, that has nothing to do with it. I just want you to have it working at the best it can, and I know it won't, so I want to fix it." He continued telling me I would have more drainage than I had before if I didn't take care of it.
Many people have questioned my choices; guess what? That's OK. I realize you are not living my life. You are not the one who has to kneel and ask what to do. I feel entirely comfortable with the decisions I have made. Many have given me natural path choices and questioned my choice to go medicinal; it's OK, too. Everyone has a different thought process; these choices were made by relying on the Lord to answer me and lead me to the right places. I only doubted a decision when I went to Cleveland Clinic. I felt rushed to make an answer, and Dr. Lettieri was out of the country when this all happened a year ago. We made a fast reactive choice, based on the fact we were told with a nerve we only had a small gateway--because I didn't know a "small" gateway didn't mean I needed it taken care of within a week or two. I could have waited for Dr. Lettieri. I don't look at things that way; my mind doesn't process them that way. If I hadn't gone to Cleveland Clinic, I would not appreciate and love Dr. Lettieri like I do; I wouldn't appreciate Mayo Clinic like I do. So, to those skeptics who like to give me their opinions, I will not apologize for following my heart, listening to the spirit, and doing what we thought was best at the time.

Surgery With Dr. Sal Lettieri

 

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2015

Surgery with Dr. Sal Lettieri

Eric and I waiting to be called back--we are now frequent
flyers here at Mayo--I think I should have a punch card with some
a great reward after X number of surgeries. When the registration
the nurse knows you by name, and nurses remember you by name
It's a sign you've overstayed your welcome.

June 24, 4:45 am, on our way to Mayo Clinic. I talked Eric's ear off trying to keep from taking any anxiety medication--hey, who knew....it worked? While entering the Clinic, I refused to look to the left; I intentionally jabbered to Eric about positive experiences with Dr.Lettieri I wanted----NO, I needed to keep my head in a good place for at least a few more minutes while we registered.
Just over a year ago was a dreaded day. I'd been discharged from this same hospital with a disfigured face. Hearing a doctor tell me, "You need to get used to the new Monya; your face will never be the same" If I were to look to the left, I would have a vivid remembrance of being wheeled out in a wheelchair and while waiting for Eric to bring the car around I watched a woman fall to the ground have a massive heart attack. I listened as "code blue" echoed through the corridor. I watched as healthcare professionals did all they could to revive her life. They were unsuccessful, and I felt nothing but jealousy. I wouldn't necessarily say this was the lowest point of my life, but it ranked in the top 5.
I've seen and felt tragedy, separation anxiety, depression, heartache, enormous unexplainable pain, loss of hearing, sight, smell, breasts, and all my hair. I've had a temporary loss of feeling in my hands and feet. I still look back at all of this and know the positive outweighs the negative. I'd do it all again, feel every ache and pain to know what I know now. What I know to be true is there is life after this earth; it is beautiful and peaceful; there is no pain, hurt, or jealousy. It is like no other place you have been here on earth. I want to go there again; I will accept and take on all that happens to me here on earth to have that feeling for eternity.
After being registered, Eric and I headed up to the 2nd floor for surgery. When I got into the elevator
I couldn't help but look at that spot; it was empty, too early in the morning for visitors. The rush of reality came flashing back to that day a year ago. Eric asked if I was OK, and I responded, "Yeah, sure, I'm good." After checking in with surgery, they took me right back. Dr. Lettieri is on time. After vitals, question after question about allergies, and when was the last time I ate or drank anything, I started to dose off. My thought was, "Read my chart. Can't you see how many times I've answered these questions? This is not my 1st rodeo" I saw Dr. Magtibay walks by and into the patient's room across the hall; I suddenly sat up and wanted to talk to him. The nurse continued with her questions, but I kept asking her to ask Dr. Magtibay to come to see me when he was done...she was looking at me like really? I told her I would answer all her questions; you could start my IV quickly if she promised to get Dr. Magtibay. This time the IV only took a one-time poke; that's new. It usually takes several digs to obtain a different, more efficient RN to poke me.
Soon Eric returned, and just after that came Dr. Magtibay; I just love him. He hugged me and wanted to know about my surgery. I asked about his children and wife, then Dr. Lettieri came in. I didn't have to introduce them. They knew each other. Dr. Magtibay excused himself, turned, smiled, and wished me blessings on a great outcome.

ready to go, Dr. Lettieri took this picture so I could see
the difference in my smile

Dr. Lettieri smiled at me, and when I smiled back.....he said, "Do that again." Not knowing what the heck he was doing, I said, "Why?" he said, "Quit being difficult, just do that again, that thing you just did with your face" I shook my head and said with a big smile "This?" he smiled big, he said, "Where's Heather?" "I haven't seen her yet" Dr. Lettieri went out to find her, but she was walking in at the same time. "Do that again for Heather" I smiled as best I could. They both, in unison, said, "It's working" Dr. Lettieri asked me to do that same thing repeatedly. His surgery in February with the cross nerve was starting to show. By their responses, I could tell this was good news; he was happy. Heather has been with me since my 1st diagnosis with breast cancer, and we have become great friends. I can honestly say she has been faithful to the end. She watched as I suffered through chemo, radiation, expansions numerous surgeries she has assisted me with. She was there last year when I was rushed to the hospital in horrible pain, curled up in a fetal position, losing all control of my bodily functions. She stayed with my sisters and helped them to understand what was happening to me. I love her like a sister; I really, really love her. She was happy for me, genuinely happy for this bit of HOPE I was finally feeling.

Dr. Lettieri, Me, and Heather
I love them both.

After Dr. Lettieri gave his pre-op assessments on me, he walked out, and I yelled, "I love you" he answered, "I love you too" I was rolled into the OR and off to my Happy Place in Paris. I seriously don't remember a lot about recovery. I only remember saying I needed to go to the bathroom. In the past, I have not been able to have outpatient surgery because either the surgery required me to be observed for more than a few days or my bladder didn't work. After all, I was under anesthetic for so long. The recovery nurse helped me into the bathroom; when she went to shut the door, I said, "No, don't shut the door" "Honey, don't you want some privacy?" "Heck no, I want you to hear the stream of pee hit the toilet, and all those people in recovery are on drugs they won't remember,"  "She laughed. I immediately pee'd....it was long and loud, and I was proud--she said, "You didn't take any time at all" She helped me back to bed, and I slept for three days. Some funny things happened; that night, Eric woke up, and I wasn't in bed, so he went looking for me, 1st the bathroom, then he went downstairs, no Monya. He said he walked upstairs again to check the bedrooms, but I was asleep in the hall closet. He got a picture of it, but I'm not posting it. The following day I went to the bathroom; Eric said, "A man is coming to fix our cable in the bedroom" I told him OK, but I needed to lay in the bed if that was OK with him. The doorbell rang, and Eric brought the man into our room. I could hear him and Eric talking. I was throwing up on the ground with my head in the toilet. Eric came in and said, "Are you OK? The guy will be done soon"  I don't remember any answer; I just remember continuing to throw up. I fell asleep sitting on the floor in front of the toilet with my head on the seat. He got a laugh out of that one, and no, I'm not posting the pictures. I'm glad to be home but I never want to fall asleep on a toilet seat again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Dr. Sal Lettieri Eye Surgery

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24, 2015

Dr. Sal Lettieri's Eye Surgery

Tomorrow morning, I will enter Mayo Clinic Hospital for my 26th surgery. I'm having a lot of anxiety about this upcoming operation. I forced it so far into the back of my head, knowing we were going on a family vacation; suddenly, it hit me on the plane ride home. I'm not sure if it's because I realize what recovery will be like or if I am just so done with all this silly nonsense--it's like Groundhog Day, repeatedly.

I cannot wear my cochlear device. It is an excruciatingly painful ringing in my head and gives me terrible migraines and dizziness. However, I've lost most of my hearing in the left ear (the good one). I can't hear my alarm go off in the morning (usually, I can listen to that thing rings throughout my home's walls). I can't hear music, people talking, everyday things I have taken for granted. Although it is annoying, I will have to wait until after this surgery tomorrow with Dr. Lettieri. Hopefully, he will be taking the gold weight out of my eyelid placed in at the Cleveland Clinic (wrong size) and being upgraded to Platinum--I like to consider it an upgrade--GOLD to PLATINUM--, and I think I will save the Gold Weight--let's just see what Dr. Lettieri thinks about that......I paid for it, so why not take it home? That's the easy part; the more in-depth portion of the eye surgery is to fix the chronic dry eye--I didn't want to know the details about how that is done; Dr. Lettieri likes me to be informed of procedures--I frankly don't care or understand all that doctor jargon, so I told him "I trust you, just do it" I love and do trust him, I am in good hands tomorrow. Heather will be scrubbing in, too.... bonus for me; I love that girl.

Time to get to bed now. I have 5 hours before it's time to check in.

Seeds of Hope

 

SATURDAY, MAY 30, 2015

Seeds of Hope

Those who read my blog know I talk a lot about having Hope in my life. When I have a  seed of Hope, I know it gives me good things to look forward to in my life. Hope always gives birth to the overwhelming trials of life. It always believe in the best, even in the face of my worst circumstances. For believers in Christ, Hope is much more than a wish, yearning for a positive outlook; it is based on the promises of God. I'm grateful for the Hope Doctor Lettieri has given me for a positive outlook on my nerve surgery.

I can have Hope in life no matter what surrounds me because I believe in a Heavenly Father who cares, knows me by name (Isaiah 45:3), understands the desires of my heart (1 Chronicles 28:9), and knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb (Jeremiah 1:5).

Recently, I watched an interview with the miracle Flight #1549 passengers. Instead of ending in a disastrous crash, it gracefully landed in the Hudson River in New York City. Knowing this was a US Airways flight, I had some exposure to the story and was very proud of the captain and how he landed. The outcome was nothing short of a miracle. In fact, it was being referred to as "the miracle on the Hudson" because all 152 passengers and all the crew survived.

I thought about the passengers and what must have been racing through their minds in those final minutes before the impact. During the cries and prayers, I'm confident in saying there was one thing they all desperately held on to ......Hope.

Some passengers hoped to kiss their spouse again, others to hug their son or daughter, and some to make things right with a friend or family member. As the plane was about to hit the water, they knew their lives were at stake. Many were praying, and all were hoping for a miracle. Then the impact came, and a fantastic scene unfolded with passengers streaming onto the aircraft's wings. Eric and I watched the news replaying the scene repeatedly and watched the fantastic rescue. 

While I watched this documentary, I couldn't help but think of the many people who feel their life is like that plane. Sometimes I feel like I'm going down, leaving me only to hope that things might be different someday. When I have those feelings, it's difficult to shake them off; sometimes, it takes days or weeks. Then I remember the promises, the covenants made, and I have Hope again.

I know people who are facing setbacks with their jobs or relationships. I know people struggling financially or who are feeling the pressures of life. It's sometimes overwhelming.   Knowing Heavenly Father is for me, not against me, gives Hope for a brighter future. His love has no boundaries. 

I must constantly ask myself: Am I solid like a rock, or am I allowing myself to sink in the sand?

I recently let the enemy, Satan, own my thoughts; I've even allowed others to dictate my divine destiny by getting my head. I need to always keep Hope alive and never ever give up. I know God always, no matter what, has a solution for me. I know this because he knows me; my destiny was chosen before I came to earth. He had rescued me when I was in depths of despair.

So far, He has not let me down; when I trust Him, I am never disappointed.

The Price of Beauty

FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2015

The Price of Beauty

I was recently at a training in Canada, as I religiously took notes I suddenly was struck with shock when I heard Mark (the trainer) tell a story about how much women pay for their beauty products.  I heard laughing from the audience, but I was in another world.  I was having an outer body experience. What is the price we pay for beauty?  I'm not talking about a monetary price, as Mark was humorously entertaining us with.
I had an ah ha moment, I wrote: Mark said, "believe me guys, there is a price for beauty...."
I immediately wrote down "For me, what I have learned about beauty from Nerium this past year is Priceless" My face is disfigured, it will never be the same.  I want that so badly, I want to look at someone and smile, smile BIG.  I want to show my teeth.  I can't believe I took my smile for granted.  Just like I took my hair for granted, the feeling in breasts for granted, being able to run and train for granted, I could go on and on..... I simply took everything in life for granted.
I cannot honestly say any of this is understandable, nor has it been easy.  I may not always please people with my honesty and truthfulness, however I know the Lord has gotten me through these past few years.  I have been refined, not defined by Him who loves me just as I am.  In my quiet time, when I spend thinking and pondering over why so much in my life has been hard there have been times I've truly wanted to crawl in a hole and die--I've wondered if anyone would even miss me, lost sometimes in despair.
Then suddenly my heart is filled with more love and an overwhelming feeling of His arms around me, pulling me up through that dark and empty hole into the light again.
I lived for so long not caring about others, not caring even about where I was going or where I should be.  I now know my life was intentionally and most humbly prepared for me before I even came to earth.  His grace has gotten me through enormously unbelievable circumstances.  Because I know He has made promises to me if I am righteous and obedient I will continue trying to live as He wants me to.  I will share Hope and Faith with others, I know the Lord will use me, he will lead and guide me to people who are in need.  This life for me is no longer about beauty on the outside, I ask Him to help me not turn from pain and to give me strength and compassion to help others who are climbing an uphill battle.
We all want to feel beautiful, external beauty, I know this because I have been that person.  There are still glimpses I take in the mirror that horrify me.  When I am weak, I know I have to move forward, never go back, never give up.  I am putting all my faith in unseen strong hands that I have felt comfort me and pull me to a higher ground.  I love that feeling, knowing He is watching over me, He knows me, He feels my pain and He understands my journey on this earth is not quite over.
Physically I am tired, my body aches my heart is full and yet I want to fight because I know there are so many more miracles to come to others from Him through me.  I don't feel comfortable sharing those sacred moments the Lord has so gracefully revealed to me I have more work to do before it is my time to go live with Him again.  He has lifted my burdens on so many occasions when I have wanted to give up.  When Sheldon died, one of those special moments came.  I truly miss him, and visit his graveside often. I'm not sure why, I haven't visited anyone's grave as much as his but I feel a peace there. I will never forget him telling me I looked beautiful when I was bald.  Eric tells me I'm beautiful everyday, he is so kind in that way and I appreciate it so much, but the day Sheldon said those words to me, it meant something different.  He stood there pale faced and bald himself and yet for some reason those words penetrated my heart like no one else ever has. Maybe because I trusted he knew how I was feeling, not just using "words" to succor the needy.
Every bit of the worlds definition of physical beauty has been taken from me.  So yes, there is a price to pay for physical beauty, but for me what I have learned about pure unconditional love and beauty in His eyes is priceless.

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Have Courage and Be Kind

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2015

Have Courage and Be Kind

What an unbelievable week I’ve enjoyed. Renee Olson (Chief Leadership Officer for Nerium International) asked me to speak at Nerium’s semi-annual national convention. It was held at the SAP Center in San Jose, with a crowd of thousands of people sold out. I was hesitant to follow through with this great honor. I am so transparent in what I do, but I often do not allow others to see the delicate, emotional roller coaster I’ve endured. The aches have been natural for me. The weight of this responsibility became so heavy knowing my face would be on substantial jumbo screens for all to see gave me tremendous anxiety. This past year, there have been times I’ve just wanted to hide. Hearing an innocent child asking their parent, “Mom, what’s wrong with that lady's face?” has been challenging to process. Usually, I reply before the mother or father has a chance, “I just have a boo boo” The parents apologize generally and walk off, saying they are sorry. That is my reality; that has been my life for a year now. I realize no one can utterly understand my feelings, so I usually just say, “I’m fine,” when my heart is weak, struggling to be brave and strong. Just when I’ve started to heal and feel like life is taking a turn, another trial comes. I was so amazed while I poured out all my feelings; I felt loved. I prayed for the right words to say. This peace came over me before I went out on stage. I really opened and let Him guide me. I could not read my notes, resisted putting on my glasses to read them, and had to condense 5 and a half years into 10 minutes--I knew there was no way I could convey all the emotions we’ve lived through in that amount of time. Before I went out, I decided I would meet Him where He needed me to be, and this would bring me into a full circle and heal my insecurities. This experience helped me to be one step closer to being whole again. I prayed that whatever I said would touch at least one person and help them understand that we all feel broken in some way or another, but not giving up is the secret power we all have inside of us. We all want to feel valued and important; I’ve learned this through living it personally.

For those who have followed my blog, I don’t talk much about Nerium because I didn’t want my blog to become a platform for advertising. This is a sacred place where I go to escape the world; I am alone and listen to uplifting music when I write. I’ve always wanted this to be an authentic reality of who I am. My children will be able to go to this place long after I am gone to laugh, cry, and remember who their mom was. With that being said, I do have to add that I know Heavenly Father undoubtedly led me to this incredible company. I was not looking for anything; still involved heavily in health issues. The confirmation I felt when I said yes to Nerium was so overwhelming at the time I didn’t know why. Now I do; within a few months of joining my friends, my facial paralysis happened. If it were not for the self-development, I’ve gained from living in the culture of the Nerium Family, I don’t think I could have made it through this past year. I highly recommend anyone to READ THE SLIGHT EDGE. It has Nothing to do with Nerium; it has to do with a philosophy of life. Even through my breast cancer journey, losing my hair, uterus, and breasts, I still felt okay. My perspective on life has changed; Nothing in life is worth anger, hate, or malice. Seeing the world through different eyes lightened my heart and soul.

The Villain had taken from me everything that the world defines as “feminine.” It was challenging to process, and I relied on the Lord to get me through it. However, when the facial paralysis came, and a doctor told me, “Your face will never be the same again,” those words penetrated my mind deeply. I cried; my husband called for me. I was depressed and sad; I took so much of it out on my family and never wanted to be seen in public again. It has been a slow process that I cannot say I have fully conquered. Still, I can honestly say without hesitation nowhere, except for my church congregation and family, have I felt true unconditional love like I have with the Nerium family. Jeff Olson has taught me true happiness begins from the inside and manifests itself to others when you are genuine with your thoughts and feelings yourself. Success is not a car or a home. So many people think, “Well, when I lose weight, or I get a new job, or I blah blah blah......I will be happy.” Nothing can be further from the truth; being authentic and happy with yourself under any circumstance is what success is; it’s what attracts people to you and helped me live through this year. Be patient with me; I’m still under construction.

Speaking in front of a sold-out stadium--um. overwhelming
I had to lean on the spirit and speak from the heart.

Nerium and CEO Jeff Olson know how to throw a
white party--so much fun

It was a badge of courage and bravery for me to expose myself to such a large group of people. Over the past few weeks, as I traced where I’ve been, it was overwhelming even for me to process my journey. I have wrestled with shame and discouragement, feeling like I have let people down. I’ve wondered at times if my own children are disappointed in me. This life-changing alteration in my life has really brought me to my knees. Starting anything is always challenging: a diet, an exercise program, a new job, and even a new life. Trusting in myself to fight through this last year has been empowering. It’s been worth the sorrow and pain I’ve felt and feel. As I give up my pride and begin to give in to the fact this is the life I intend to live, I’m starting to believe I can move mountains. I have felt the changes inside of me. I’m beginning to realize I’m me because of where I’ve been and the experiences I’ve enjoyed and endured.

When Sheldon died, I wanted to give in and give up; now, I see the Lord has been waiting for me to do my part. To fulfill a promise. I’m finally beginning to understand I don’t need all the answers right now. It’s never too late to start on a path that will move you forward. Step up to the starting line and run as fast as you can; tomorrow may not come. This is the time to love others, share a kind word, and be true to yourself. You will find the strength to pull yourself out of any situation. There are days when I have to remind myself of who I am and convince myself once again I have the power within me to be happy. True happiness cannot be given to you, it cannot be bought, and it certainly cannot be faked. When you are pleased, you live with no regrets, you are at peace with who you are, and most of all, your spirit illuminates and becomes contagiously beautiful.

Tonight, Eric and I went to see the latest version of the animated Disney movie Cinderella. As I watched, I was engulfed in the story; many paralyzed my life. It showed me the unparalleled beauty of courage and kindness in the face of humiliation, suffering, and shame. I watched, thinking, sure, Cinderella looks stunning. But it’s not her ball gown or glass slippers that first catch the prince’s eye. Her inner beauty captures his attention—her courage and her kindness. Kindness isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength. Submission isn’t pitiful; it’s beautiful and courageous. We all have the power within ourselves to make our lives happy; it is a CHOICE.

Hilary Weeks My New BFF

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2015

Hilary Weeks, my new BFF

Lunch with Hilary-😘

A few months ago, Hilary Weeks emailed me to schedule a time to meet and go to lunch. With so much going on, it was easier to make that happen now.

Everyone knows I fly for free, so I got on a plane, flew to Utah stayed with one of my oldest and dearest friends Teri Padovich. We had so much fun catching up, laughing, actually laughing a lot. We talked a lot. We haven't seen each other for so long. I was a little worried about her reaction to my face. She didn't skip a beat; we hugged and went off. It was like old times; I needed this time away from Arizona.

While Teri was working, I met Hilary for lunch; good thing I knew what she looked like because we hadn't at that point exchanged phone numbers. I knew I was supposed to meet her in Harvest restaurant at Thanksgiving Point. I immediately recognized her and apologized for being late; those GPSs don't always give the correct directions.

I have to say, meeting Hilary was excellent for me; what a ray of light she gives out. Her spirit is inspirational; I could feel her sincerity. It's rare to find people you can truly connect with on a spiritual level. It felt like we'd been friends forever; she was beautiful inside and out. Just as I love the Live Happy campaign, Hilary has her own called Live Positive. You are truly missing out if you still need to get the app on your phone. Keep track of happy thoughts,  type journal entries, make goals, and earn inspirational quotes. You can even form groups of people to do it with.

I loved talking with Hilary; she has 4 daughters and met her husband while he was on his mission in Alaska --she thought Elder Weeks was pretty cute and pretty inspirational himself. A few years later, she was walking on the BYU campus when she saw him for the 1st time since Alaska. She said she yelled, "Elder Weeks" He turned, saw her, and ditched his friends; the rest is history. I love her music, I've heard her speak, and my heart has been drawn to her for so many reasons. Now I know why. She is so positive, loves her family, and has a burning desire to improve the world.

After lunch, we exchanged phone numbers, and to my surprise, she texted me and invited me to attend the Women's broadcast with her and 3 of her daughters. Teri dropped me off at Hilary's house. I met her daughter and her husband (Elder Weeks). What a great family.

I love these cute girls....❤️👀

Sitting in the woman's broadcast with Hilary and her girls was fun. When it came time to sing, my instinct was to pick up the hymn book and sing. Suddenly, I realized I was sitting next to Hilary Weeks. Her music has inspired me and helped me through some incredibly rough times...this was really surreal. I wanted to close my eyes and listen to her voice sing. Janice Kapp Perry was also in the congregation--I was surrounded by inspiration.

 Of course, I wished my daughters could have been with us too.  I am an avid note taker. I have stacks of journals and notepads full of the notes I have taken from special talks and thoughts I spontaneously have while visiting Mayo Clinic. Some of the most important life lessons I've learned are written down and journaled. I sometimes go back and review them, and often I am so surprised at the words I have written. How easy it is sometimes to forget the lessons we learn at poignant times of our life. I'm so grateful for having those detailed memories to look back on. This visit with Hilary and her family will always be one of those memories. The Lord has truly blessed me with good people in my life. Hilary and I will be forever friends now.  

This is truly a beautiful woman inside and out.

Notes from Conference