Mom's Funeral

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2013

Mom's Funeral

My nephew Ronny 

November 19, 2013, Tuesday
Today, my sisters and I attended the funeral services for our mother. It's difficult to describe how I felt. I was drawn closer to her by listening to her cousin, Mary Joyce, speak of mom's earlier years when she was a young girl and teenager. Mom never talked much about those days, so it was nice to hear and learn about her life's fun, happy side. All is Holy in the house of God, and I was trying my hardest to feel heaven there.

Linda, Myself, and Dottie (Linda's mom)

Linda is one of my besties- I love her.

Susan and Ron Lundberg (mom's closest friends)

 I am grateful for my friends who supported me and did not let the influence of "not knowing" my mom keep them from coming to support me. I needed you there, and I so appreciate Millie. We have been friends for 15 years. She had no idea of my life before Gilbert, yet because of her Christian spirit, she came and loved me through it. She also brought enchiladas to my family for Sunday dinner. She will and always be close to my heart. Linda, my friend from childhood, she and her mother drove far to be here, and I will always love Linda for her unconditional love, especially having known my parents made it special to me to have her there. Last, my dear friend Jenny Ruttinger texted me and said, "I know this will be hard for you. I will be sitting with you," and she did. We've been through a lot together in the past 20+ years. No questions asked. I knew she would be there for me. Eric and I decided we wanted to position ourselves perfectly to see and watch Stephen Phelps play the organ. I always feel the spirit and peace when I listen to him play. He and his wife have been a tremendous example for me as we have tried to raise our children by their example. Eric and I spoke about him many times this past week, knowing it would be difficult for him physically to play, and it would have been OK if he couldn't come, but he did, and I know he did it just for me. I love you, Stephen and Carolei. You have been an example to me for over 20 years and continue to amaze me with your loving hearts.

Jenny--I love you

November 20, 2013, Wednesday
As I post this, Eric and I are in Mexico, spending some time at our condominium. He needed to fix our freezer (well, I say him, but those of you who know my "Tim, the tool man" knows he will hire someone to fix it.)  He wanted me to come last week and was leaving for Mexico on the day he got the text from me saying my mother had passed. This week he has been begging me to come with him, and I have not wanted to go, mostly because I think some of those depression and unresolved issues are unsettling. Eric knows me so well. He knew if I stayed home, I would lay around and try to figure out the whys. Then became depressed and anxious, so I'm glad I came with him.

 Being here draws me closer to Heavenly Father. I can sit on the sand, watch the ocean waves come gently in and out and see the hand of the Lord pick me up and keep me from getting carried away in those waves. Honestly, I have so many emotions stirring up inside of me. Although what I am saying is entirely from my heart, and I am being true to myself, I know it will confuse some people.

I want to remember and write some of my fond memories of mom. Our kitchen was always our gathering place, and I loved sitting, watching, and learning from her. There were 3 things I remember distinctly about my mom during Christmas--she always made Red Velvet Cake and sprinkled the green and red sparkles to top it off. She also taught me how to make her Cranberry Meatballs, a Christmas Eve Tradition in our home. Lastly, she made cheese balls and gave them to friends and anyone she knew who needed a little boost during the holidays. Eric and I still carry on this tradition, so if you get a cheese ball during the holiday month, it's because our family loves you--DON"T THROW IT AWAY. Mom grew her own small cucumbers and taught me how to pickle them. I loved her homegrown pickles. I went to a girls' camp every year, and she was there. It was comforting to have my mom with us at Camp Lo Mia; all the girls in the Stake loved her. I wanted to be just like that. I wanted to work in Young Women's like she did, go to girl's camp like she did, and enjoy all the blessings from serving in YW. I have not had an opportunity to serve in the YW program for more than 6 months, but I was able to be our ward camp director for several years. I also remember my mom giving me the first compliment I can remember. She said, "Monya, you can get upset or mad, spit it out, then let it go; I like that about you" When Elvis Presley died, I was mowing the lawn and remember coming into the house to get a drink of water, she was crying, she really loved music, that is probably why I love music so much. I'll never forget telling my mother over the phone that my brother had died; she was heartbroken; she screamed "No, no" repeatedly and then threw the phone.

Mom is with Lance now.

I have tried to write and re-write to avoid offending anyone; I've decided journaling is a good thing for ME (maybe not how YOU would handle it) to be real; I've hidden for too many years. So--to all of you who have written me emails criticizing me for the things I blog about all I can say to you, my intentions are in the right place and coming from an authentic real me. You did not live my life and are not living my journey now. You saw my mom give endless hours of service to others, including some of you, and she did it not because she was Relief Society President, she did it because she wanted to serve; I'm so grateful for her example to me in that regard, and for the last thing on this subject, those of you who have emailed me with your criticism, I noticed not one of you took time to show your respect to my mother and come to her funeral. So please do not bother sending me a follow-up email--I said it, was upset about what you said, and now I'm over it. This is in the Lord's hands now, and I honestly believe my mother wanted the goal that myself and my sisters wanted, for our family to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but it is difficult to do that when you cannot admit parts are missing. I tried many times to mend this relationship and was given a blessing with confirmation that this will not be resolved in this lifetime. Unless hearts were softened and sorrow was shown. I realize this was difficult for my mother but was necessary on her part for our relationship to continue--she made her choices--and we have all had to deal with that decision. Mom did the best she knew how to do. I will see her again, and the Lord will solve all earthly issues. Thank you, Linda, for permitting me to express my feelings here. If you have problems, please email Linda.

Beautiful Casket

Greg dedicated the grave.

 I believe our lives are like ocean waves, constantly moving, sometimes those waves are further out than we can reach, but they eventually rise to meet me in a solemn comforting manner--when they do -- all is quiet and calm, especially in my heart where I need it the most. I am grateful my mother is peaceful with a completely healthy body. Still, I need some guidance; I believe there can be healing even in the deepest of graves--when we humble ourselves and allow the spirit to speak--but not all is calm in my heart right now--I feel lonely and vulnerable, and I know no-one on this earth can understand what I am feeling--not even my sister Sonya--she said she felt a warm blanket of "comfort" around her during the funeral--why didn't I feel that? Am I not worthy enough for that feeling?

When my brother Lance died, I felt so guilty for not doing more to help him; it was a heavy burden I was carrying; I knelt and prayed one night for comfort and peace to fill my soul, for the Lord to let me know Lance was OK. That night as I knelt waiting for an answer, I felt my brother's hand on mine, and his voice, as clear as day, said, "This is the Lord's will, not yours; I am happy" Because of that experience I was able to move forward in faith and HOPE knowing without a doubt Lance was in a good place.

 It was the start of healing when I could be at mom's bedside and say, "I forgive you," before she passed on. It was a tender moment, and I know she heard me.

During the funeral, my mother's dearest friend Susan spoke and told memories she had of my mom. She said from her heart that she really loved my mom, something I will always be grateful for. While she was speaking, I thought of a talk given by Elder Bednar at the General Conference in October of 2009. He talked about family love; he said that no wife, daughter, son, or husband should hear the words "I love you" for the first time from the pulpit--this is what I heard--but not from my mom from her friend. I wish I had heard "I love you and am proud of you" from my mother's lips. All I can do now is to make sure everyone I genuinely love and care for not only hears it but KNOW it. I understand mom may not have been able to express her love to me because I'm not really sure if she was told as a child--maybe she was never taught by example--I don't know--all I know for sure is when I held each and every one of my children in my arms for the 1st time I loved them--unconditionally loved each one of them. I guess forgiveness does not always leave you with peace and happiness. This part will come to me in the Lord's time--It always does-so for now, I love you, mom, and I know you did the best you could.