All I have is Yours

 

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2014

All I have is yours

Today is Sunday, January 12, 2013

Well, I did it; I went to church today and could sit through all three hours; yay, pat on the back for me. I was not feeling well yesterday and stayed in bed all day, except to get sick. I also had a very quiet Saturday. The kids went to Disneyland; Jeremy, Kayla, Ezra, and Recker spent the day together, and Eric was at work. Honestly, I was relieved to be allowed to just do nothing but rest and pray I could go to church. I made a goal to at least try to get through Sacrament, but I was able to make it through Sunday School and Relief Society.

I wish I could say it was easy, but I can't.   This was a massive revelation for me today, and I caught myself several times in tears. I walked in a little late, and Eric saved me a seat. Just before I left the house, I went back and forth to my room twice to pray....." please help me to understand what they are saying" that was my 1st prayer, and not feeling quite happy with it, I walked back upstairs and knelt next to that all familiar place next to my bed and poured out my heart, "I know you are teaching me something, or trying to, am I so hard headed that I am not getting it? Please. Heavenly Father, help me to listen with my heart today, even if I can't understand what is being said" I waited a few minutes with my head low and eyes closed, expecting something, but it never came.

I was met at the chapel doors by President Packard (one of my favorite people of all time). He had his head down with folded arms, so by this, I knew the prayer was going on; I waited to watch him; I could not hear one thing being said, so watching him gave me the indication when the prayer was over. He shook my hand, and we greeted him with a sweet hello. I was wearing a mask, so our eyes smiled. I have never been frightened to enter the chapel, but today I was until I saw Eric stand and help me get seated. Marian tapped my shoulder and smiled; what a comfort if she only knew what I was feeling. How will I communicate with these people I love so much? I can talk--that's never been my problem--I wonder why not? Why didn't my mouth get reconstructed? It's usually the one thing that gets me in the most trouble; if you've followed my blog or know me well, you know I don't keep much to myself. This has always been one of my downfalls and hardships in life......just say nothing.....maybe this is what the Lord trying to teach me....for so many years as a child and youth, I kept quiet through the rough times; after all, we were the All American Family, I think once I gave myself the permission to speak I never shut up....haha.

I sat through Sacrament, having to constantly ask Eric what the speakers were talking about. Mary Greer Spoke today and props to her; I could read her lips for all her talks; she is fantastic and has been through so many trials this past year. Just an amazing family, the Greers; Julie is great. I love her, and I can see the growth and comfort she and President Greer are giving to Mary and her tiny children after the death of Mary's husband last year. Sunday School, I caught little of what was being said; it's hard to explain. I have about 25% hearing in one ear, and it happened overnight; I have a tough time hearing when there is a group of people, and I have no idea who was reading, quoting, or commenting (one of those tearful moments)  When I only had a hearing in one ear, I thought I was a pretty good lip reader--come to find out--I'm not--If I am talking to someone one on one I do really good. Still, when noise comes from around me, I have no idea where it is or who it is. I'm so glad Haleigh was with me in Relief Society today--I've always been a believer that nothing happens in life as a coincidence; I know if Haleigh were not there, I could have quickly asked any woman in that room to sit on my left side and help me to follow along with the lesson. Still, I loved having my sweet baby girl there, she whispered in my ear when she thought I didn't understand, and she was right every time.

Today I have been thinking about a dear friend killed by a drunk driver years ago; she and I worked together. She taught me so many words in sign; it was something I enjoyed and always wished I had taken more interest in a class or two--I know I wouldn't be able to communicate this way with my family or anyone else who didn't know sign. But Blake didn't know how to speak Spanish when he went on his mission; he came home and knew the language. Is this what I am supposed to learn? Could I go on a sign language mission? Remember, these are just my wonderings--my mind goes places sometimes--like today.

And now I am tonight; I can't sleep, worried about too many things. I took a bath and listened to uplifting music with my earphones on to not wake the family with the speaker's full blast. I went into Haleigh's bedroom, read some of the Preach my Gospel, and finally decided to pray.