Don't Look Back

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 23, 2014

Don't Look Back

This has been an emotional week for me. I had several restless nights, pleading with the Lord to help me sleep; my mind had been racing. I needed His arms; he always calms me when I allow the spirit to speak to me with a feeling of peace. I've been allowed to see the faces of Eric's mom and dad, and I've been blessed to speak with them in dreams; it has been so real; when I wake, I'm upset because I want to stay there. No one person except for Viola Williams has ever put me at ease when I've needed it. Oh, how I look forward to the day when my physical body will leave this earth and join with them--they are my serenity in a world that sometimes feels empty and lonely.

I wish I could talk to Vi, I trust the Lord's plan for me, but sometimes it leaves me shaking and wondering if I am getting in the way of letting go. I'm grateful for the times when I can serve others to keep my brain in "compassion mode."

I never thought I would have to make decisions for myself that, if made incorrectly, could lead me right back to where I started. I need rescue; I don't want any more surgeries. Seeing my doctor on Monday was not a pleasant appointment; I cried on the way home and then felt guilty for doing it. I keep thinking even the bravest of people must have moments of fear.... right? These will be the 12th and 13th surgeries I have had at Mayo Clinic within 4 years--when does it end? When is it enough?

This week I received emails from several Doctors asking me to come and speak to young new doctors; they all started the email saying they have read parts of my blog...not knowing how to respond, I put them off for now. Except for one, she seemed sincere to want to help these young pre-med students at ASU to hear a cancer patient's perspective and show the human side of what goes through a cancer patients head as they conquer each day, inch by inch, trying to eliminate the negative and concentrate on the positive. I spoke with her on the phone Friday and will be speaking at ASU in April.

I had my whole life mapped out, I was content with my life, then when the VILLAIN invaded, there was this giant mountain I had to climb; I tried in the beginning to find ways around it but soon found there was nowhere to go but uphill, a hard challenging hill. I was brokenhearted when I started to climb it; I still have not reached the top of that mountain, I've prayed many times for Him to take it all away, and I've seen miracles along the way, gifts I never thought would or could endure.

 I would never trade the sleepless nights or the grace He has bestowed upon me. I don't think I would have ever recognized those miracles or rainbows if I had not gone through what I've been going through. Yes, I have tears, and yes, I have doubts at times, but this has indeed been a trial I would never change. Every bit of fear, doubt, and pain I've felt has been a testimony builder. I still don't know why; I question if my heart or body can take any more--I had taken the rain with the sunshine along this journey, not always seeing a rainbow-but on those days when I was blessed with those tender mercies, it gave me strength to keep climbing. I wonder what the view looks like from the top of that mountain......?

CJ Udall's Funeral (Celebration of LIfe)

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 23, 2014

CJ Udall's Funeral (celebration of life)

It's been a long week; I have tried to keep my thoughts and energy towards Dwight and Jori. The Udall family has seen miracles happen in their lives this week. Tender mercies from the Lord as they have been processing the death of their youngest son CJ. Last night Dwight and Jori held a celebration in honor of CJ. The LDS religion believes in celebrating life, not focusing on death.
What a great way to honor CJ; he touched so many lives... celebrate what he was able to accomplish in his 11 years of life on this earth.

We believe he came to earth to get his body, his spirit was perfect in every way, and he is and has been protected by the nature of God as he has to lead his life with joy and compassion and spread his love to all he met. Some have said, "why, if he is protected by Heavenly Father, would HE choose to take him now?" There are no answers for that, but I believe Jori and Dwight will have the honor as they live righteously to be with him again.

Listening to Jori tell CJ's life story was an incredible act of service she rendered, one that I am not sure I could do. In fact, I said to Eric, "all I can think of is our little Recker, how will his disability affect him and his parents."  I loved the words Dwight shared with the congregation; the word Advocate is a perfect word to describe a parent with a unique disability. Especially when a child is non-verbal and wants so badly to communicate. The spirit was with me today as I sat and listened to this sweet family spread happiness and give meaning to CJ and his life.

The memory of CJ's life will forever live on. I know a couple of mothers who have lost a child early in life. However, I have sat back and watched them blossom into loving, inspirational people helping those around them to process in their own way.

Tiffany Check and her husband are one of the couples I know who have not lost the memory of their sweet daughter but who are doing their best to live strong, experience tender mercies and recognize those blessings and feelings of her spirit through the Holy Ghost testifying to them...they will see their sweet daughter again, she will have a perfect body, a perfect mind. She will teach them more than they can ever teach her. I also feel this will be the same with Dwight and Jori.

CJ Udall

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 18, 2014

CJ Udall

Mesa mom says son died trying to save his dog - WFSB 3 Connecticut.

↑CLICK ON THE LINK ABOVE TO SEE THE PRESS RELEASE ↑

I've been so proud of Jori and Dwight; my heart aches for their family but spending time with them this week has been a spiritual experience. My testimony of the Savior and His love for all of His children has been re-confirmed. This sweet little angel boy touched more lives than he ever knew; it was simple for him. He loved people unconditionally. Just as our Savior does. Oh, how I wish I had that kind of love for everyone I come in contact with.

For the last couple of days, I can only think of CJ. There was a time when I was a little girl I tried so hard to touch the stars; I remember laying on the grass in our front yard with my hands stretched as high as I could, trying to grasp something, anything I could tangibly touch. At church, I squirmed in my seat, trying hard to concentrate on what my primary teacher was trying to teach me. The older I got, not much changed, except I lived with a quiet ache trying to reach for truth, desperate to discover something that had always been just out of my reach. It seemed that my best friends Linda and Jami knew the truth. I remember one night praying, and a stirring in my heart told me the knowledge was still yet to come. Once I felt that special feeling, I never wanted to be without it.

Today, as I remember those long past days, I realized everything I have been learning in this school of life is leading me up to what Heaven is for.

C J is now learning; he is in a school, a Heavenly school, gaining knowledge none of us have, sharing, smiling, and finally home where he belongs. Sometimes we are so desperate to learn it all now, but some of the knowledge is saved for another journey we will gladly take with our Heavenly Family.

CJ Udall-Perfect Body-Perfect Mind

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 15, 2014

CJ Udall-Perfect Body, Perfect Mind

Saturday, March 15, 2014

What started out to be a beautiful sunny spring day ended as a tragic yet spiritual experience for me. I was in a meeting when I got a text from Kayla saying, "Have you talked to Jori? Is CJ OK, or what is going on?"  "Why?" was my reply. She said, "He's been missing, and they pulled his dog out of a canal" Having no Internet connection, I panicked when I texted Jori and did not hear back (she always texts back). I left the meeting and went home to get more information, then headed straight to Jori and Dwight's home. When I arrived, there were police cars and many other vehicles. My heart was pounding as I walked up to her home. Jori and I have been friends for over 20 years, and her husband Dwight and Eric grew up together.
I was greeted by Jori's brother Scott and Dwight's brother Kent Udall. It was now that I realized CJ had drowned in the canal behind their home. Last night Jori had a camp out at her home with all the scouts in her area. This morning all the kids were in the pin with the goats laughing and having a fun time when Jori realized CJ was missing--Dwight went out towards Power Road looking and yelling for him, and Ben, Jori's other son, went toward the canal, he cried for his dad when he found CJ's dog. Dwight and Jori ran to the canal. Jori hit her knees, "yelling, I just want to start the day over, please just let it start over again" This broke my heart when Kent told me this part.
Jori and I were just at lunch 2 weeks ago talking about how much Recker loves water and the fear I have of not having a fence around our pool. This conversation was drowning my thoughts as I walked in to see Jori--she immediately grabbed me and hugged me; I didn't want to cry, and I tried to be strong for her as she sobbed in my arms. All I could say was, "I'm so sorry, Jori, I'm so sorry."  I couldn't help but sob with her.
With the police and investigators still hanging around, Jori pulled everyone into her living room and tried her very hardest to be strong and talk to everyone; she explained about the Priesthood and the blessings that come from receiving a Priesthood blessing, and she eloquently spoke about CJ, about his testimony, his love for nature, scouting and his family--she invited everyone in the room to stay as her brother gave her a Priesthood blessing. Then Dwight received a blessing from his father, Jess Udall. Dwight then gave his sons Ben and Josh a blessing; I couldn't help but think about when my brother Lance died. I wish I had been offered a Priesthood blessing. What difference could that have made in my life as I dealt with his death. As Dwight gave Ben the gift, I glanced up at a picture in their home. It read We Tend To Seek For Happiness --- a solemn peace came over me, and I cried harder knowing CJ is with his grandfather Carvel Jackson who he is named after--what a grand reunion they must be having--through the sounds of sniffling and tears I could feel this sweet spirit testify to me that HE LIVES -- and now CJ is in a perfect place, with an ideal body. Dwight talked to us about the day CJ was born. The nurse brought the baby to him and placed him in his arms; even before Jori knew Dwight could see CJ had down syndrome, but as clear as day, he heard a voice tell him, "CJ is here for a purpose, protect and watch out for him until the day HE returns to his father in Heaven" he said those words helped him to process what was going to be a life of watching a young boy growing up with challenges
Jori and Dwight raised CJ as if he were just like any typical child. CJ didn't know he had down syndrome. Just a couple of weeks ago, Jori told me they were at the Cultural Celebration watching Ben practice when a girl with down syndrome came up to CJ and said Hi, but CJ snubbed her--Jori said she had to have a talk with him about "being nice to the down syndrome kids" CJ didn't like the idea of being nice to a girl, not to mention one with down syndrome. I got a kick out of that story and told Jori she had done an excellent job raising him to be tolerant of everyone. He k w nothing but compassion and love for everyone he encountered. 
My heart aches for them. Tonight, they will not sleep. Right now, it's busy, people bringing food, helping fill the void, but when they all leave, the smoke settles. I worry about Jori. CJ was her life. She could not have a conversation without bringing up CJ--she was so proud of him, she loved her time with him, Jori has become incredibly involved in the scouting world, helping CJ and Ben to achieve their merit badges, and Ben his eagle.
I have never lost a child. I can't imagine how I would feel. I know my parents were devastated when Lance died. It was as though he took a piece of their heart with him. I'm sure Jori will have huge holes in her heart while she processes this trial she is forced to face. I heard it said that if all the people we know were brought into a room together to compare trials, most of us would take what we have and be grateful. Today, as I sat and watched this family mourn the loss of CJ, I felt as if my problems or pains were easy. The loss of a child is one trial I know the Lord knows I could not handle. I have so much respect and love for those who must experience the death of a child and are able to move forward in faith, knowing they will again see that child after death. I'm glad I could be a part of the Udall family today; I learned so much from watching and listening with my heart. When I try to sleep tonight, I will pray for Jori and Dwight, Josh and Ben, and give them strength and endurance while they try to make sense of a horrible day. I also rejoice that CJ now has a perfect body and mind as he continues his next chapter and journey.

What a day...

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 8, 2014(written)

What a day...

Friday, March 6, 2014

I woke up with blood coming out of my Baha implant. Knowing I have an appointment with Dr. Barrs this morning, I got myself ready. The phone rang; Mayo Clinic told me Dr. Barrs would not be in the office today because he was sick. I advised them of my bleeding situation. I'm not sure they knew what to say; she hung up and within a few minutes called back and told me I would be seeing the PA or resident today--I got a little crabby and said, "no, I will not; I will see an attending or I will not be coming at all"  These issues with my ear are getting on my nerves, I want so badly to get past this. I made my way to Mayo, and when I arrived, they quickly took me back to the exam room, Dr. Barrs walked in, and I was surprised to see him; I asked if he was sick because I did not want to be examined unless he has a mask on--He told me he was in a 3rd world country recently doing some pro-bono surgeries and thinks he may have picked something up but not to worry there was only a 50/50 chance I would catch it.
He first looked at the screw in the back of my head, turning my face towards the TV. I could see everything on the big screen--he began to scrape the skin around my Baha with a scalpel. Watching it was disgusting--I had to close my eyes; for some reason, if I didn't watch what he was doing, it hurt less.
He then looked in my ear, and to my surprise, it looked sickly; it didn't feel like it looked. What was going on? He tried to stick his vacuum down the ear canal and suck out what he could, but he didn't get too far. He went and got his nurse Kathleen, she took a look, and they both agreed, I will be having more surgery--the ear canal is virtually closed so tight he cannot see into the ear drum but knows it is not healing correctly. The Baha is not connecting with the bone like it should, so with both of those problems, more surgery is necessary--They both stepped out of the room, and as I stared at the carpet, I couldn't help but cry--I just sat there and cried--feeling vulnerable and alone I cried, then quickly wiped those tears away as I heard them coming back in. I put a smile on my face, bit my tongue, and listened partially to what they were telling me, but not wanting to hear what they were telling me--I let my mind wander off to a better place so that I could process this--then Dr. Barrs said, "OK, so you understand right?" "Um, yeah, I think so; I come back next week, right?" "yes, scheduling will call you."
I left there thinking, "I cannot have one more surgery; I don't want more surgery, seriously? How do I go home and tell my family, friends, and co-workers? How much more of my ear can he take off? What will it do if I don't have the surgery and get a 2nd opinion" So many thoughts running through my head--I feel a migraine coming on--and I have not had one since my surgery. I just told Marian Priday that maybe my migraines, slurred speech, and right-side numbness had something to do with my ear. I knew my day would get even worse before it got better.
With my mind on this, I drove down Scottsdale Road towards a hotel to meet with Dr, Northfelt, my oncologist. Earlier in the week, he called and asked me for a favor. He is giving a lecture today for 300 general family physicians about the side effects of chemo and radiation. He asked me to speak about side effects I have personally had. When I drove up to the entrance of the Hotel, he was standing there waiting for me. I tried to compose myself before getting out of the car. I need to focus on what I'm here for...actually, what am I here for?

Love my Doctors-

 Dr. Northfelt hugged me, and we entered a room filled with physicians. They introduced him, and he introduced me. As he began to tell the overfilled room of doctors about my diagnosis, I was not prepared to hear what he was saying. I had an out-of-body moment as I listened to him announce my stage 3 diagnosis; I could feel an anxiety attack coming on, and I could hear my heart beating, hoping no one else could hear it through my microphone. I was listening to him talk about me, my life, my breasts, my everything, well, at least everything medical that has happened over the last 4 years. I felt like I was in a tunnel. Every word he said penetrated my mind; oh, my goodness, this happened to me? It was difficult for me to express the rawness I felt hearing him speak; it was like I wasn't in the room. I watched as physicians quickly wrote notes; I thought, "what the heck are they writing? do they not understand, do they not see me, am I just a number to them, or a statistic?" "Do they not know I have a family? When I leave here today, my name is Monya; I have a husband named Eric, children with names, grandchildren, friends...I'm not a number but a person with real feelings."
Now it was my turn, Dr. Northfelt began asking me questions, and I was to answer them openly and honestly in a room full of strangers. There were two of us, Linda and I. Her diagnosis was stage 1, and for every question, Dr. Northfelt asked, she and I had complete opposite answers.
We talked about neuropathy, bone pain, body image, and sex. Then it was question and answer time; as they collected the questions, now I knew what they were all writing. One of the final questions I was asked was, "how has your quality of life changed?" This is my answer to that question, with a quiver on my lips and a tear in my eye. 

"Pre diagnosis, I thought I was happy, I was living the dream, four children, blessed with a husband who worked hard so I could stay home with the children, I had a nice home, car, able to exercise every day, I seriously thought I was happy. Now today, as I sit here with all of you, I can tell you without hesitation money, cars, and big homes do not bring happiness; through my journey, I have learned who I am, how strong I am, and who is important to me, what is important to me. I can honestly say I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life right now. I've learned that all those distractions I thought were important were mere objects detouring me from real happiness. All that really matters to me is my family and my doctors. I love them more deeply and purely than I ever thought I could; life is a precious gift that so many take for granted, Dr. Northfelt promised me he would be with me through every step of my journey, and I believe him." 

With that being said, the lecture ended, and everyone stood and clapped. That surprised me; is this normal? Do they stand and clap at these things? Several doctors came up to ask me questions; one of them walked up to me and asked me if I had ever tried any natural paths. My first reaction was, "Who is this kid?" Seriously he looked like he was 16 years old, I'm assuming just out of school and starting his practice eager to learn.

I'm not sure I said anything today to help anyone in that room. However, it did help me listen to my diagnosis, notes from my surgeon, and details I never wanted to hear.

Opened and shared; he can't take it back; I heard it all. This is precisely why when Dr. Northfelt initially asked me if I wanted to know statistics, I said "NO" I didn't want to know, not because I didn't care about other people. Still, I needed to focus on myself and what I could do to kill the villain in ME; I promised myself a long time ago that I would have no regrets and do precisely what I was told to do. I feel good about that; I'm firm in my knowledge of what I needed to know and what I didn't want to know--but now, I know, now I've heard it, scary? Not really, just an uneasy feeling hearing it all.

Dr. Northfelt walked me out to my car and hugged me; I told him how much I loved and appreciated all he had done for me. He thanked me for helping his lecture not be so boring. As I drove off, I couldn't help but be emotional; a few tears streamed down my cheek and onto my shirt, I looked up, and without any rain in sight, I saw a beautiful rainbow, sweet, tender mercy from the Lord, that moment gave me some peace, and I smiled. He really does know what I need and when I need it. Little tender mercies are recognized. Thank you for lifting me to higher ground today.

Kaitlyn Rae

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 7, 2014(written)

Kaitlyn Rae

Friday March 6th, 2014

Happy Birthday to my cutie patootie Kaitlyn Rae. This cute girl is married, works full time to help her husband get through school, and still manages to find time to visit her OLD MAMA and spend the day. 

I vividly remember the day Dr. Lepetich did my ultrasound and announced to us as he pointed and said, "you see that? it's a boy" What a surprise it was at her birth to hear him say "oops, it's actually a girl" I didn't believe him. Eric and I had picked out a name for our new little boy. We had the bedding made for a boy and bought clothes for a boy. Eric ran to Dillards and returned with some special darling girl clothes, something special we could take her home from the hospital.

We are so blessed to have Kaitlyn in our life. She has brought so much joy to us; she has a personality bigger than life--she always has and always will. People have always told me she looks so much like me. I can't deny that--she is a spitting image of me. Sometimes it even freaks me out when I see a picture of her. Seeing her grow up and become a strong woman is a blessing to her father and me.  It's been like seeing my childhood all over again, only happy. Kaitlyn is the gift Heavenly Father gave me, so I could heal from my childhood traumas. He has allowed me to see happiness, laughter, and joy through her.

I have often watched her and been amazed at her ability to simultaneously make us laugh and be in awe. She also has much of her dad in her- she is a good combination of both of us. I love you, Kaitlyn. You have been an inspiring young lady not only to us but also to our Heavenly Father. He is pleased with who you are. 

I loved watching the Temple being erected over the last few years. I have often driven by it or parked my car as close as I could to the grounds and said a prayer. Now as all the members of the LDS church humbly celebrate with great joy in our hearts, we will continue to pray for our hearts to be softened and our souls to be moved by the spirit as we try our best to become more like the Savior.

The dedication of this beautiful building has been a long but deserving wait. There is definitely something special in the air--I am personally so beyond happy and touched by the youth in this area who worked so hard over the past few months to sing, dance, and show never-ending faith as they danced in the pouring rain, Arizona needed the rain.

I have been to many Temples throughout the world, and I know I am being biased, but, in my opinion, this is the most beautiful Temple I have ever been in. There is always opposition when Temples are built. In 2008, when this Temple was announced, our Stake President told us to be prepared for trials to come into our lives as Satan tries to lead us astray. He said now more than ever, we need our testimonies to be strong, stay close to the Lord and continue to obey the commandments as we experience these trials. I have never forgotten that talk. A year and 3 months later, I was diagnosed with cancer. I could have easily given up on God and walked away. However, because of that talk, I could cling to my Savior and rely on Him to understand what I was feeling--going through that journey was the best thing that has ever happened to my spiritual growth. I'm in a good place in my life now. I have never felt the peace in my life as I do now. Here's to 2014 being a momentous year.