Don't Look Back

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 23, 2014

Don't Look Back

This has been an emotional week for me. I had several restless nights, pleading with the Lord to help me sleep; my mind had been racing. I needed His arms; he always calms me when I allow the spirit to speak to me with a feeling of peace. I've been allowed to see the faces of Eric's mom and dad, and I've been blessed to speak with them in dreams; it has been so real; when I wake, I'm upset because I want to stay there. No one person except for Viola Williams has ever put me at ease when I've needed it. Oh, how I look forward to the day when my physical body will leave this earth and join with them--they are my serenity in a world that sometimes feels empty and lonely.

I wish I could talk to Vi, I trust the Lord's plan for me, but sometimes it leaves me shaking and wondering if I am getting in the way of letting go. I'm grateful for the times when I can serve others to keep my brain in "compassion mode."

I never thought I would have to make decisions for myself that, if made incorrectly, could lead me right back to where I started. I need rescue; I don't want any more surgeries. Seeing my doctor on Monday was not a pleasant appointment; I cried on the way home and then felt guilty for doing it. I keep thinking even the bravest of people must have moments of fear.... right? These will be the 12th and 13th surgeries I have had at Mayo Clinic within 4 years--when does it end? When is it enough?

This week I received emails from several Doctors asking me to come and speak to young new doctors; they all started the email saying they have read parts of my blog...not knowing how to respond, I put them off for now. Except for one, she seemed sincere to want to help these young pre-med students at ASU to hear a cancer patient's perspective and show the human side of what goes through a cancer patients head as they conquer each day, inch by inch, trying to eliminate the negative and concentrate on the positive. I spoke with her on the phone Friday and will be speaking at ASU in April.

I had my whole life mapped out, I was content with my life, then when the VILLAIN invaded, there was this giant mountain I had to climb; I tried in the beginning to find ways around it but soon found there was nowhere to go but uphill, a hard challenging hill. I was brokenhearted when I started to climb it; I still have not reached the top of that mountain, I've prayed many times for Him to take it all away, and I've seen miracles along the way, gifts I never thought would or could endure.

 I would never trade the sleepless nights or the grace He has bestowed upon me. I don't think I would have ever recognized those miracles or rainbows if I had not gone through what I've been going through. Yes, I have tears, and yes, I have doubts at times, but this has indeed been a trial I would never change. Every bit of fear, doubt, and pain I've felt has been a testimony builder. I still don't know why; I question if my heart or body can take any more--I had taken the rain with the sunshine along this journey, not always seeing a rainbow-but on those days when I was blessed with those tender mercies, it gave me strength to keep climbing. I wonder what the view looks like from the top of that mountain......?