Never Give Up

 

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2014

Never Give Up

I have to remind myself of this daily

Oh, how many times I've heard those words...."Never give up," but never have those words resonated with my soul as they did today. I've been dealing with this ear issue for over a year now; I said after my last surgery, "no more, I'm done, I can't do it anymore."
On December10, 2013 I went under the knife again; my time has been occupied with Mayo Clinic for over 4 years. I have lovely family and friends who have supported, prayed, fasted, and served me; most do it with no recognition, only pure intent of a good heart.

With so much time dedicated to Mayo Clinic, doctors, MRI, CAT scans, Bone scans, blood tests, etc., the list goes on and on. I have done everything my doctors have told me to do, and I have no regrets. My doctors have become my best friends, and Mayo Clinic is the 2nd home I never saw coming.

I love each and every one of the doctors on my team...but I need a life...outside of Mayo Clinic. I decided NO MORE SURGERY, no more putting bandaids on things. I missed a few appointments the last couple of weeks, and honestly, I didn't care a bit. I'm tired; I'm simply exhausted.

In January, I was approached by a dear friend with whom I have not had enough time, who has always stayed steady in checking in on me. Shelli asked me if I'd like two tickets to Barrett Jackson, Eric in his wisdom said, "let's go; it's time to get you out of this house" I have to admit I was feeling a little vulnerable with my ear exposed, worrying I would be bumped or touched during the rush of people, still we went.

When we arrived, Eric and I were greeted by Shelli; she took me to a booth where a few other old-time friends were working a booth for an anti-aging skin product called Nerium AD. I sat in the booth while Eric and Mark (Shelli's husband) strolled around, looking at all the awesome cars. I listened 1/2 way there and 1/2 way in another world--I saw all of these people, some of my close friends who I had not seen for so long, they were all so happy. Shelli asked me several times if I was OK, and I said I was fine, just watching them..she told me, "I'd really like to spend some time with you, and I have the perfect avenue to make that happen." My mind was telling me, "no, I'll just disappoint you. I can't fit this into my schedule," but my heart was saying, "Mayo is not your home; it's time to reclaim your life."

I've been so occupied thinking about dying I've forgotten to Live. I handed Shelli my credit card and signed up for a new life with Nerium. I bought my ticket to a national conference in St. Louis and went home.

I had no idea what I'd just done--either a Tender Mercy--or an impulsive buy. I'm not always good at making the best choices for myself. Mayo Clinic keeps calling, and I do not want to talk to anyone there.

I have continued to say, "I cannot handle any more surgery." But is that best for me or my family in the long run? I've met with Shelli weekly, and my circle of friends has grown. 

In St. Louis, I sat listening to a talk on Friday afternoon, taking notes, busily listening, and laughing with my friends; the speaker said 3 little words that popped me right back into reality--Mayo reality--those three words were "Never give up" it was as if the spirit was whispering to my heart, the tears bubbled up and flowed down my cheeks--I hurried to make a mad dash to the women's restroom, hoping no one would notice my emotional tears--I didn't want to bring them down off their high adrenaline rush. 

I sat in a bathroom stall with the door shut and the toilet seat down, staring at the purple doors, counting the tiles on the dirty floor--trying to compose myself--I did what I've done a million times--I prayed, yes I prayed in a purple painted, dirty floor, public bathroom. Usually, it's in the most random places and when I least expect it that the tears flow--a memory--a song-and in this case 3 words NEVER GIVE UP--I'm not giving up, I'm just reaching for something that inevitably in my mind is never going to happen--I am never going to be done fighting for my life--I feel like I fight these battles every other month, but will eventually lose the war.

The noise of all the women sharing their happiness, spreading their joy with each other, suddenly left. At the same time, I spoke to God--asking him, no begging him, first help me dry these eye's so no one would know--and 2nd to give me an answer, any answer, just please tell me what I'm supposed to do, what am supposed to be learning here? Suddenly, all the beautiful chatter of those women slowly began to be heard--I sat and cried a bit more, then stood up with my shoulders squared and head held high. I said, "I can do this" I put on my big girl panties and decided even if I'm never going to be given those 4 little words I've been dying to hear, "you are cancer free," I'm going to make time to clear my mind of cancer, step forward with confidence and spread some happiness, not only for me but for my future I just needed that moment to cry, cry with no one watching but my Heavenly Father--and I know it's hard for him to see, but for that moment I needed no one to ask me why I was crying. I just needed to let those emotions out. I've been forced to face deep pain, physically and spiritually. Mentally--I've been forced to face a villain, and there's nothing I can do but just get it out once in a while--I know this pain is not going away anytime soon.

For now, I am reclaiming my life, spending more time with friends I have not seen for so long, and Shelli was absolutely right when she told me this is the way for me to get away from my cancer world, even if it's for a weekend in St. Louis.

So tomorrow, I will again be headed to Mayo Clinic--being asked again about having another surgery--at this point tonight, I am not sure what I will say. I will not commit to anything I will listen with my heart.

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