It's Not My Time to Go

FRIDAY, JUNE 6, 2014

It's not my time to go

I was hoping to get my PICC line taken out today--NO SUCH LUCK--All the Cleveland Clinic doctors I see are out of town for a convention. It was also a suggestion that I keep it in until my surgery. I think I've finally made some decisions after talking to a few doctors; the proposal Dr. Barrs gave me is reasonable. However, three doctors have told me that taking muscle from my tongue is a temporary fix, and if I was an 80-year-old woman, they might consider that option. What they have seen work the best with someone with a dead nerve, like I do, is to take a nerve from my leg because it is the nerve that best replicates the nerve in my face. This can only be done if they find good nerves to work with in my ear. If there are no good nerves, they will take a muscle from my arm and connect it, close off the right ear completely with some tissue from my arm and bring in 2 other doctors who will help assist with this process. The plastic part of this surgery could be 6 months or more.

When the ENT vacuumed out my ear and cleaned it up a little, he said the inner ear looked good. All he needed to do was clear a place in his schedule, which I will not know about until Monday. This was good news; however, I am still cautious with my emotions; getting let down is so hard on me. He reassured me that my face would not stay the way it is right now, drooping on the right side. He said there is so much that can be done with technology today.

Right now, my head is in overdrive, trying to keep up with my health. Sometimes I feel myself slipping; I need the Lord by my side. I must get constant reassurance from the Lord that I am doing what is best for me--I live by every word and every answer I get from the Lord. I just need Him to let me know that I can do this. I would love to hear him say, "your faith is bigger than your fear, and you can handle this" Do you know how many times I have asked for the same things in the past 5 years? I have made choices that led me to nowhere, but I had to find out myself when I arrived where I thought I was supposed to be; it was a closed door--then I would have to get back on my knees and ask again for the Lord to actually take my hand and lead me to where I was supposed to be. He sees the way I'm supposed to go. If He would just take my hand and lead me there, I know I would be protected and safe, and I would know exactly what to do. This time it is different. I'm struggling, I sometimes wonder if I've been forgotten, and I sometimes wonder if I am even being listened to, it seems like the words are going to Heaven, but the door is shut. Sometimes I must be told NO to understand the YES, and to realize my Heavenly Father says NO because he has a better plan for me. It's just so hard sometimes to recognize the blessings that come in disguise;; I have seen so many miracles happen in my life--I had a very spiritual experience happen while I was in the hospital, and I don't feel comfortable sharing it right now, I shared it with my family the night before I came here to Cleveland.

All I know is that right now, it is not my time to go to Heaven...the Lord has work for me to do here on earth, which is why not getting clear answers is so tricky. I have no doubt He loves me and always will, through the good and the bad. Fear gives me to doubt sometimes then I learn that the doubt is because of my fear--I felt like I was finally in a good place in my life. I have studied the Lord's love for all His children, and it is hard to comprehend; I guess the only way to come close to understanding unconditional love is to have a child of your own. Never in a million years would I have imagined or thought I would be sitting in a hotel at 1:00 am across the street from a hospital, wondering if the Lord was listening to me. Does He know I need these answers? In this early morning hour, I am sitting in a bubble bath wondering if I have been abandoned by Heaven--realistically, I know that is not true--many people are praying for me--I have prayed for me, I've prayed for Him to take me on His wings and take me away like I can't do this anymore, I just want His sweet peace to pour over me and heal my soul,  I wish I could physically have His arms wrapped around me, give me some warmth, I want to go to the place where He can heal me, he's done it with other people, I need his mercy and grace to take me away, lead me to that place where I can feel no pain, no decision making.

Why can't my life ever just be every day? I have praised Him for every miracle that has come to me, I have given all I have to the Lord, and He has lifted me to higher ground and allowed me to see miracles happen--for some reason it is not happening as fast as I need it to--have I not done enough to be worthy of this request--I put my face in a pillow and screamed as loud as I could tonight--what am I doing or not doing to get the answers I need?

LABELS: CANCER, CLEVELAND CLINIC, DR BARRS, DR. BERNARD, DR. FRITZ, MIRACLES, PRAYER