Back To Work

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2014

Back to Work

I decided to go back to work; my doctors in Cleveland would have wanted me to wait a bit longer, but I couldn't sit around. I look in the mirror and I am still not ready to accept what I see; I really thought I was. Last week I finished my work; it was a difficult transition, and my eye continued to be annoyed. Cleveland Clinic PA told me to massage the lower lid to strengthen the muscle; I have been doing that, but still, it waters constantly to the point of not being able to see out of my right eye. Mayo Clinic says I have chronic dry eye, which is weird since it always waters. They are trying to fit me in this week. Work was challenging; my foot was so swollen by the end of each day, I had a tough time getting my shoes on. I tried to spend the weekend elevating it; I don't have a vital education about how nerves all I know is it takes a year for things to truly heal. If this last surgery did not work, this is what is next. They will make an incision from my hairline, ear to ear, pull back my face, take the nerve from the left side, and attach it to the right side, then wait another year.

Being at work, I felt vulnerable as I walked into the building; I usually like to smile and greet people with a happy attitude. Alot of people did not recognize me with my short hair and odd-looking face. I even had someone ask if I gained all my weight while I was gone...Yes, I did...I was on two different steroids and ballooned up a bit. I am now off them and back to my regular eating habits to get back to my average weight. When others notice, then it must be a noticeable change.

I am always amazed at what my brain can retain, and what takes time to recall. My job at US Airways is in the International Reservations Department. There is a lot of information most people take for granted that they know how to do. I've realized, since being back, how amazing my brain is. Reactivating those brain cells and muscles, I have not used for a few months, is slowly coming back without having to look at my notes.

I am struggling to keep my spirits up and stay positive. One way I do this is to continue to read an enjoyable book every day for 30 minutes...this gives me HOPE in my purpose in life. It is so easy to wonder "why" when that happens; I have to get on my knees and say, "thank you for this trial,  I am trying so hard to understand; please give me guidance and strength to know what to do, now that it is done there is not much I can do to change it, but now it is time for reality and for me to live with it, I accept that, but please help me along the way, give those nudges of the spirit when I am bombarded with doubt." 

I marvel at my ignorance; I once thought I had all I could deal with as a youth, and that my Heavenly Father had given me quite a challenge to overcome, and when I finally did and was able to truly forgive and move forward, I just knew that was it for me ... If I could overcome that, I would be left alone for life... no more trials. He really does give us what He knows we can handle, but He is also trying to teach me something through all this. I had a dream that allowed me to see and was explicitly told that I have a purpose here on earth; it's just so hard to grasp what I've been asked to do and not say, "why? Why me? I try to believe that I am of infinite worth and that I should be saying "why not" Maybe because I know all my faults and know the things I need to work on, I am not a particular person, no different than anyone else, the world is filled with people who are struggling. A part of me wants to negotiate my way out of this one.