Find Me-Frozen Inside

Monday, SEPTEMBER 29, 2014

Find Me-Frozen Inside

There have been times when I've wanted to curl up and stay in the safety of a cocoon, much like a butterfly does. I've had days when I feel locked in a glass house with no way out and everyone watching. I want to fly free; I'm emotionally healing much slower than I expected. I'm trying hard to break out of the prison walls I've built around myself. I wish I had someone to talk to. I need to gain my grasp and be more authentic with people. I hide how tearfully hard it is for me not to be able to smile a big full smile; my frailties are being masked by a strong woman who has difficulty admitting her weaknesses.

I sometimes ache, trying so hard to hold back smiles or laughter for fear of what I look like to others. I caught myself wanting to laugh when I heard Ezra's huge belly laugh--he is so cute--but I caught my reflection in the mirror of our entryway and suddenly realized, "this is what other people see" This immediately took me down to a low I can't explain. I still feel so much Happiness in my heart & want to share it, especially with my grandchildren, but for some reason, I've let the adversary control my thoughts. The confusion contradicts what I feel inside, I don't understand it, so I do not expect anyone else to understand it. I'm trying my hardest to Live Happily. I love serving others; it warms my heart and lightens my load.

I love the Happiness Movement the United Nations agreed upon; the decision was made that the day will continue on March 20 of every year. I know and believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference, a rippling effect that can be wrapped around the hearts of people worldwide, regardless of race, culture, religious belief, or lifestyle. I am an ambassador of Happiness, but I still want to know if that contradicts how I feel on some days. I feel like I am on display; I see how people look at me and then quickly look away. I know because I, too, have done it. I've said on this blog that I don't believe people, in general, are vindictive or mean any harm; it's natural for a person to take a double look at something that is not what they are used to seeing. I just never thought I would be the one on display. I see them look, then look away and whisper to their friend, mother, or neighbor; they both look and quickly turn their back to me, usually because they know I have just seen what they did. The only thing that really holds me together is knowing He sees me, the REAL me--He knows I want to be me again; the sad part is because of what I've experienced, I know I will never be the same again. Although I didn't ask for this experience, I'm living it. I also realize that I have control over how I deal with the inner aching I continue to feel. I may not oversee my trials, but I have control over how I deal with them, and I choose to take it slow, understanding all that is expected of me, then proceed forward in faith and with a desire to continue to be the best I can be.

On the days when I work at UsAirways, the security guard always asks me, "how are you doing today, Monya?" and my answer is always the same "better than I was yesterday" I wrestle with what has been lost in my life, it's more than just dealing with cancer with and all the side effects. I carry a crushing weight on my shoulders when I cannot achieve my goals. I can't do this alone; my soul is tired and needs rest. I've pleaded for help so many times I seriously think I don't have any tears left to cry.
I'm giving my all, but sometimes I want to avoid hearing the answers. Saying I'm deaf is an understatement. I am so vulnerable right now; I know I need to be willing to put all my trust in the Lord's hands once more. I've been down this road before; I know this feeling. Taking a step forward is challenging, and it hurts to look backward. I want peace to speak louder than my fear. I have asked again, and again, and again "what am I supposed to learn" "What do you want me to do next?" When I'm finally ready to listen, I will go and be or do what He needs me to do.

I know this fear and pain that I am feeling needs to be turned over to the Lord, but for today, just for now, I'm frozen inside. I have no regrets; I've felt this pain before, and I will not bury it; I know I have to live it, and when I'm living in those shadows, He will find me, take me by the hand, and lead me to a brighter place.

LABELS: BLESSINGS, CANCER, FAITH, HEARING, HOPE, JOURNALING, LIVE HAPPY, LIVING, LOVE, MAYO CLINIC, PAIN, PEACE, SMILING, TRIALS 

Find strength in Adversity

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2014

Finding strength in Adversity

I just can't seem to sleep tonight. I am in a hotel room in Dallas, listening to my favorite VonSlade family sing to me and then Josh Menden--I am tearful today. I have felt the Lord's love and trust in His plan for me. I have seen angels with different faces lift me up. Sometimes those angels come at the most unexpected times; today was one of those days. A man named Kym was my angel today, and I know the Lord directed him to me for a purpose. Kym has no idea how he helped me; I'm not sure he had any intention of helping me, but today because of Him. I learned that I DECIDE which life I want to lead; I am authoring the story of my life and getting to decide how it will end. Don't worry; it's a Happily Ever After completion.

Many of my readers know me, some not personally, but through my blog, you have listened to my stories, and we have laughed, cried, and ranted together. Sitting in this hotel, my heart is beating in my chest, and it's hard to hold back the tears; my faith has taken deeper and stronger roots than I ever imagined I could. I have never felt the peace I am feeling right now; I will never be the same as I was 5 years ago; there is no looking back; I am forging forward. I know what HOPE is, and I have so many good reasons to believe through my Faith and Hope; even if I am not entirely healed when a person looks at me with the naked eye, I am beginning to recover from the inside out, He knows the strength I have, and the purpose of all things happening in my life. Everyone around me who loves and genuinely cares for me sees the heart inside me, but I feel bad that they must look at me with anxiety and fear of hurting me. I am dealing with this adversity differently than when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm not sure why, mostly because I, too, have bought into the belief a person's physical appearance is the first thing people see ... the face. I took my smile for granted, and I miss it. I want to laugh again, out loud with my friend Jenny; I want to jump on the Hotel beds and act like little girls again--but I fear that childhood innocence is gone; I know too much; I've seen and felt too much to ever go back to who I was before the paralysis.

I know the best is yet to come; I can look forward with faith, knowing I am responsible for being the REAL authentic ME, which hasn't changed. I wake up every day grateful for one that I woke up and two that it's always a good day to have a good day. I've climbed towering mountains and stumbled over a few hills; through every bend in the road, I feel like I had done what was right when no one was around; I have lived with integrity. I know my family, the girls, Chloe, and the boys, including Blake, Brian, Scott, and Jeremy. Eric, Recker, and Ezra are number one in my life. I want them to learn to open their hearts and listen harder, look for a good purpose, help others who have less than us, give a smile, or open a door, say please, and thank you--when we do this together, we shine bright for the world to see that we can make a change, each of us day by day, tiptoe by tiptoe those good deeds when practiced daily, will soon turn into HUGE GIANT steps towards the YOU you were meant to be. Choose your destiny, and remember your children are watching you; the choices you make, they will mimic because you are their HERO.

Making Connections

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2014

Making Connections

Ford Trimotor 

Today while working at USAirways, I received an incoming call from the cutest couple. They were each on the phone line, one in the kitchen, and one in the bedroom. They made a reservation with me, and the gentleman asked me what aircraft it was; I told him it was a CRJ. Then he told me a story about when he was around twelve (born in 1928). He and his friends were playing in a farmer's harvest, and the owner approached the boys and asked them if they would like to spin in his Ford Trimotor airplane. He said to me, "I don't think I ever did tell my parents that story" When I asked him if it was because he thought he would be in trouble, his response was so sweet; he said, "no, I knew they would not be upset, I didn't tell them because I didn't want them to be sad knowing they would never in their lifetime have the opportunity to fly" His wife was on the other end of the phone with the kindest voice saying "Oh darling, we need to let this girl get to work"  I loved to hear her laugh, while I was preparing their itinerary they were talking as if I couldn't listen to them. It reminded me of Vi and Ray--I asked them how long they had been married, and they laughed; both were so cute. He said he was around sixty-eight, but they had known each other since childhood.
This was such a polite conversation; I loved it so much because they had no idea what I looked like; a voice on the other end of the phone was kind and considerate, as they were with me also.

They were going to the funeral of their son. " I'm so sorry; it must be a difficult situation to have your son pass away before you do," she said "no, he was old,  lived a good life, and was struggling with cancer the past few years, so we are glad he is no more pain, I wouldn't mind visiting him soon"  Then they laughed again....under normal circumstances I would have felt uncomfortable, and wondered what to say to that, but I didn't I fully understood.

This has been a tough week for me, I never thought It would matter to me what people think about my face, but it does. I went to a Spanish-speaking meeting with one of my partners. Have you ever felt like someone was looking at you? You know the feeling I'm talking about; you want to look back at them to see if your feeling was right. I did; I looked at these two women who were talking about me in Spanish; I know this because the older woman looked at me and whispered something to her daughter (it was her daughter, not cheerful). Then they both looked at me, and the mother made this extraordinary face; again, they both looked at me. At that very moment, I was more vulnerable than I had ever felt. I could not concentrate on the speaker after that happened; some of that was because it was entirely in Spanish. I wanted to leave, but I didn't. I stood tall and made it through. I don't see any changes in my face, and I know when I smile, it is crooked, so it looks different. I love to laugh and smile--that has been temporarily taken away from me.

I know I will never look the same; I can recover and reprogram my brain, but I will re-form into a different person--hopefully better, stronger, and happier than I have ever been. I trust in the Lord and his plan for me; it's so hard on days like today when the reality of how I look is slammed in my face by others. I have a new journey that I can recover from. Hopefully, one day I will be on the other end of a phone conversation making a reservation and be able to smile with my heart as this couple did.

LABELS: CANCER, JOURNALING, LIVE HAPPY, USAIRWAYS 

Why are you happy?

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2014

Why are you happy?

I was recently asked, "why are you happy, and how do you remain happy?" The truth is, I must work on Happiness every day of my life. I did not intend to be diagnosed with late stages of breast cancer or the following side effects. I thought at the time it was a joke; I was still going to continue training for that Marathon I always wanted to run. I was happy; I had the life I always dreamed of, stay-at-home mom, room mother for all four of my children's classrooms, and I loved driving the girls to dance and Blake to baseball. Good friends and a wonderful family surrounded my life.

 I have always been a runner, kickboxer, cycler, core trainer, and weightlifter, this was my life, and I loved every second of it. The day I had to listen to a doctor explain what type of cancer I had, I did not respond; Eric was crying; it was such a blur. Why was he crying? This is not real; we will get a second opinion, and of course, I will continue to train because this is not real. Even now, when I look back at that day, how I responded amazes me: no tears or emotion. Blake was at the airport flying up to Utah to see his girlfriend Lecith, and Kaitlyn was living in Utah, going to school and loving life. She had found the man of her dreams, and I could not be happier with her choice. Eric called Blake and asked him to come home, but he wouldn't. He told Eric to just tell him what was up. When Eric told him, he was angry, thinking we knew for a while and just didn't tell him. I explained to him the doctor had just told me I had no idea. We did not hear from or see Blake for a week. He went to Utah and would not answer his phone. We then called Kaitlyn to tell her, and she reacted just like I did, with no emotion--however, Brian told me later that she was distraught. She thought like I did. This was just a little thing that would go away. Kayla, Jeremy, and Haleigh met us at the house, and I remember Eric standing in the kitchen sink. The kids and I were sitting at the table, and I just said, "I have cancer" Immediately, silence entered the room. Kayla started to cry, Eric was still crying, Jeremy was in a sullen mood, unsure how to react, but asked if I wanted a blessing. Haleigh, she was and is my baby girl. This announcement could not have come at a worse time for her. It was a week before her senior year of High School.

Since that day, I have had to learn to smile with my eyes and listen with my heart. I had no idea what would explode in our lives as the Villain took over. Suddenly, the "things" that were so important to me were insignificant. During the first three years, I never went one minute without thinking about the Villain; every appointment, bone scan, MRI, and test gave me anxiety. I still get anxious when I step off the elevator onto the third floor of the Mayo Clinic; I can smell the chemo, and the sickness is in the air.

Tonight, I just can't sleep. My mind is racing; I feel unprepared for this trial I am having now. I need some calmness in my life. I just want to fall asleep and be with Eric's mom and Dad, dream of being in a safe place, with no pain, no hurt, and in the arms of people who unconditionally love me. I must remind myself every day of the many blessings I have. I see my reflection in the mirror and want to cry. I don't expect anyone to understand. Now, I must learn to accept the person I see in the mirror and remember to smile with my eyes. I loved Elder Holland's talk about depression. I have read it repeatedly. Depression is REAL. If you have ever experienced it, you know what I am talking about. When Robin Williams took his life recently, much discussion was about his selfishness. I cannot completely understand his reasons. My heart was with him. How well he hid his depression and made us all laugh while he was struggling with his own demons.

A person cannot go through some of the things I have endured and be unchanged. To the people who feel discouraged, and misunderstood, have faith, hold onto the knowledge you have of Hope for a better day. I loved it when Elder Holland said, "Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can ever comprehend" It's incredible to me that the love He has for us never leaves. He will always love us. That love is unconditional. I am happy all the time. That simply would not be true, I struggle with it daily, but I know it is a choice, and it feels better than being depressed. You can wake up every day and decide to make the most of the life you have been given. It does not necessarily mean changing your world but how you look at it.