Grief

Dear Frenchie

My grief has not made me stronger, but it made me aware of all we had together. I have no choice but to learn how to function in the face of pure fear, bone-deep rage, and gut-wrenching sadness. You were my person, and now you're gone; I have no hugs, no kisses, and no "I love you" every day. I continue to pray every night for you and for our family to survive this incredible loss. I told you before, and I will continue to say, "I will NEVER get remarried." Not because I don't believe in intimacy or love, but because I could search the world repeatedly and NEVER find someone like you. You are and will always be THE BEST man for me. No one can compare.

Grief is a sadness that can only be known deep inside the devastated soul of the griever. It's this kind of despair that changes your entire life forever. I never knew how much I loved you until my heart was broken on that beach in Maui. I always thought we would have time to say, do, travel, laugh, and love more deeply. 

My entire universe was changed overnight. It's altered everything I thought I knew about myself and the world around me. And every day, I uncover more about what that even means. 

Sometimes, I feel you hold me at night like you used to. I have such a hard time sleeping, and I appreciate it when you quietly embrace me until I fall asleep. Thank you.

I realize that my feelings of grief change from day to day or even moment to moment. I will never forget you and what we shared together. Reflecting on our life together, we had much more romantic, fun vacations and everyday connections than most. 

Remember when it seemed like every one of our friends was getting divorced? That was a crazy time. But I loved that you and I always discussed those things and why people grow apart. We know why each of them broke up, and pride is a big part. Neither one could say sorry and really mean it. That was never worth an eternal marriage to you, and you fought for me to forgive you and move forward because, in the end, we made commitments to each other and promised our family would be eternal. I am so grateful for you and the man who made me a better wife and friend. 

I forgive you for putting me in positions where I felt forced to do things I didn't want to. I heard your apology, and I know how hard it was for you to say it with tears rolling down your cheeks in front of Jori and Dwight. But I promise I didn't tell them anything; your sincere apology put us all in tears. Your honesty and vulnerability were something I had never felt before, and it was an unforgettable moment. I will always hold that moment close to my heart. Only you and I know what that apology was for or what it meant to me. Thank you.

See you soon; I love you.

Monya