Be Still My Soul

Dear Frenchie;

This has been a difficult week without you. We typically plan a summer trip to Paris, but who knows where we'd would go? IIt was always an adventure with you by my side. 'm not sure I can ever go back to Porte Jaune without you, my life is completely turned around right now and I continue to be triggered by the trauma of losing you.

Kayla has been coming over and helping me with going through your boxes upon boxes of 'stuff' that's all it is to me is just stuff without you nothing seems important to me, materially it is not the same without you. Blake's family is in California, making memories as a family. Haleigh and Scott have been gone all summer, I'm not sure when they will come home yet. I have been able to facetime with little Sena and Ellis. I can't begin to explain how important that was and I truly love her for thinking of me. Kaitlyn & Brian have been in Utah for a month or so. I sure miss them too, I tried to facetime with them but Kaitlyn never responded. She is working hard on her new job. I'm grateful she can be on vacation and work remotely. I think they came home yesterday.

When I was praying the other night I asked Heavenly Father help me make a decision about moving from this BIG house to a smaller one. Blake has been looking for me, he showed me house  he is remodeling by Lindsay and Elliott over by the Groves, you know I love the Groves. I went to look at it and it's the right size but the yard has a pool, and is bigger than I want. Luckily I have plenty of time to make those decisions. The next day after that prayer the Blandfords contacted me to say they would help me by allowing me to buy a spec home at cost. This is cheaper for a brand new house than the one Blake was showing me that was built in the 1980's.

I went to Reserve at Red Rock and found a lot I really liked. It was peaceful and quiet. Of course I am scared to death of the rattle snakes. Is this where you want me to be? Everyone in that neighborhood loves you, and I can't believe how many homes you sold.

Terry helped me walk through a couple of specs, I could feel your spirit there. You are so loved by so many of your clients ...? Is that what you call them? I spent some time with Sara and Isaiah and Saint. He is so cute and almost two next month. Sara is wanting to potty train Saint. Remember me doing that will all of our children? It seems like yesterday. Now they are potty training their own children. 

I'm waiting for the children to return from vacations so I can get their opinion. I will be sad to leave this home we have created for our family, but the upkeep and maintenance is going to kill me. I know you have always wanted to live out there in the dessert surrounded by cacti and rattle snakes. That part scares me, the walking trail is just behind lot 150 the spec I'm looking at. I thought it would be too far away from the children, but I rarely see or talk with them. Remember when Dad and Betty would get upset with us if we didn't talk constantly? I just know I should have never judged them because now as a grandmother of ten, I want to hear from them I want them to help me clear out this house but I'm afraid of getting rid of anything of yours.

Today in church I studied during the sacrament about covenants. I'm trying to keep the covenants I made with my Heavenly Father and you when we married for eternity. I will always love you with all my heart and cannot wait to see what eternity together is. I think of you 24/7 and think "What would Eric do.?" I cry daily remembering so much of our memories together, and the future memories we wanted to make with our children and grandchildren

I also looked at couples headstones together, you know I will be on top of you physically but with you in spirit when I die and I cannot wait for that day. In my bad humor I thought, "Well dad will be happy I'm on top." ha ha. But for now I will wait my time when the Lord wants me to come home, I just wish it was me first. I think the children would have liked more time with you. I love you so much, Kayla asked me about our story from beginning to end. I think I will type it up for her; I;m not sure the other kids will want to hear about you in a different light.I believe Kayla especially deserves to know the truth of what happened during that time. I wish I didn't have to do this but I know it is something she is really curious about. No matter what, I will let her know I have forgiven you and that you apologized the night at dinner in front of the Udall's the night before you died. 

I understand the shame you felt, I know you wanted to make your parents proud of you. I wish you never felt that, it was a different time in the church when we were raised and you had lovely parents who wanted to protect you. I will talk to you soon, I'm struggling right now with why Heavenly Father would take you from me at such a young age. I'm sure I'll never get that answer; I just want you back, physically with me.

See you Soon

I love you Monya