Our First and Last Thanksgiving

 Hey Frenchie-

I am so overwhelmed and feel like I have no one I can trust to talk to. You were my one and done, my first and last lover. The day I leave this earth will be the happiest day of my life, for I will get to look into your beautiful eyes and hold you in my arms. Oh, what a day that will be. By then, you will have everyone convinced Donald Trump was the best President the world has ever had; it probably won't go quite like that, but I can dream. 

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, Eric; you would have loved it. Chloe is organized, you know? She called me and asked what the plan was for Thanksgiving. The next thing I knew, she had everyone's responsibility to bring for dinner. Blake Chloe made the Turkey, and it was unbelievably good. Kaitlyn and Brian's little family. Kaitlyn made that raspberry jello salad. She tried to tell us it was a salad. Who's she kidding? That was our favorite dessert. She also made cream cheese with spicy cranberry jelly dip appetizer; you would have loved her sweet potatoes, too. I am trying to remember everything that was brought, but it was the best ever. I missed having Haleigh and Scott. She is still not talking to me, but I am no longer taking on anyone else's drama; I can't do that again. I would love to talk to her, and I think it is sad I don't get to see Ellis & Sena, but I cannot control this, so I'm letting it go.

Kayla went to New Mexico with Jeremy. His sister Megan was in a severe car accident with her family and Eric; it was terrible. Her husband and all of her children died. Megan was pregnant, so they had to do an emergency C-section, and that sweet little baby also died. I believe she was carrying her sixth child. I can't imagine waking up in the hospital and being told that my entire family was gone. She has strong faith, and that is what carried her through when her daughter died a few years ago. This is different; there is no husband to lean on. I hope her faith will carry her through this trial. I pray for her every day.

I hoped the entire family would see the importance of being together for the first Thanksgiving without you and our last one in this house. You know what? I was grateful to the ones who could come. Kaitlyn said, "Mom, you made a perfect chocolate pie, I love it." That truly made my heart break. Do you know when you remember those moments as a child and no one else does? This was like that. I automatically thought of my mom. She only complimented me when she said I had the remarkable ability to forgive people. I remember where I was standing, what I was wearing, and how incredible it made me feel to have my mom acknowledge me in such a way. I will never forget this moment when Kaitlyn complimented me. I loved it. I also loved hearing the kids talk about fun memories with you. 

The night before Thanksgiving is usually the night you and I—well, really me—stay in the kitchen all day, wanting Thanksgiving to be perfect. You always went to Costco at the last minute for a sale on Pumpkin pie, and you were my run-errands and pick-up last-minute things from the store guy. I miss you coming in with that sly look like you thought you were in trouble with Two Turkey in hand. Every year, I would ask, "When will we eat another Turkey before our next Thanksgiving?" It bugged me so much because the following year, you would want to donate it; well, you always wanted expired food to go to a shelter or donated somewhere, and every year, I would tell you, "Let's find a family who could use it this year."That never happened. I miss those little things. Every year, there was an argument about who I was inviting and whether we had enough tables and chairs- you knew we did. Your passive aggressiveness was saying, "Can you clean the tables and chairs so I don't have to do it?" It bugged me then, but I've changed since you left me. I can only control myself, and I've been leading with compassion towards people who say things that are just stupid- bless their hearts. They just don't understand the depth of loneliness I feel.

I'm packing up the house and don't want to get involved in the attack—ugh—but you know I will get up on that ladder and start throwing things out. If there is something worth keeping, I will save it, but honestly, what were we thinking putting my old vinyl records up there? I'm sure they are cracked and wilted by now. There is certainly a lot to keep me busy for a few months. How in the world did we accumulate so much crap? I need to find out how much it will cost to have the city drop off a large garbage bin. I also need to call about getting someone to come to our house and shred everything that was essential papers. I know how important that was to you. 

Overall, our Thanksgiving was wonderful. Everyone got along, but everyone missed you, and I left your end seat empty—no one sat in it. 

I love you to infinity, but I need some strength right now. I will ask Brother Arnold to give me a blessing. I pray every night and don't get answers, so I am overthinking this whole thing. I don't know why people think when someone dies that, the spouse is automatically taken care of and that I should have money to spare. My Uncle Mike will lose his house because their contractor skipped town with their money. I don't know why they would pay them upfront. He called me crying and asked me to borrow some cash. Eric, you know how much I love him and Auntie Ann, but you taught me to never do business with family again. We've been screwed by too many people, including family. You were the one who would make those decisions. I also received a notice from the IRS saying I owe $78,000.I don't know what to do, but the Alt Key people will look at it. However, on December 1st, it's due, and then they start charging us interest every day until it is paid. Dana won't settle, that stresses me out.

I finally finished my 6th year with Dr. Amen and can legally be a certified life coach. I know that would make you smile. I also finished my book The Happiness Junkie, but I'm not going to have it published. The kids hated it when I published the first book, and even though I am starting a new life without you to help me make decisions, I have to protect my heart from being hurt like that again. I'm finishing the last chapter of Pebbles in My Pockets, but I need to decide about publishing it, too. I have producers calling me from all types of agencies wanting to make I CAN-SURVIVE into a movie and blah blah blah. One of the production companies offered to pay for the entire thing and wanted me to be on set to make sure it was done tastefully. If the kids didn't like me writing a book, they would be against it. The NetFlix contract I signed is now null and void. That was a blessing in disguise, and I got paid for it. A part of me wants to publish Pebbles in My Pockets because it is uplifting and cheerful, but telling the kids would trigger a trigger in me and probably in them, too. I'll keep it private for now. Thank you for helping me with your perspectives.

I have been studying perspectives, and boy, do I have different perspectives now. People react and do things for a reason, and they are all connected to our brains. What I am experiencing grieving over your loss in my life is much different than the kids losing a dad. We knew everything about each other and spent 46 years figuring out life and relationships. It all comes down to perspective. Mine is the memories, good and bad, that taught us how survive in the circumstances we created while we were dating. I blamed you for what you did to me, but now I'm over it, knowing that I didn't come from the same family as you and we were entering a relationship with different perspectives on life, raising kids, your dad and Betty, my mom, and the stepdad. With all that going on, we should have taken the time to be ourselves. I now know and look forward to knowing everyone is dealing with something, and even if we don't have the same perspective, it does not diminish anyone else's. Respect and compassion are where I am now.

I love you, babe, and I know you will guide me.

It's time to put up Christmas and get into the spirit of giving to those less fortunate without judgment. You and I were good at that; you are better than me because you know when to say no. I collect dollar bills in my Jeep, and when I see someone needs them, I give them. 

It's time for bed, and I can't sleep with so much on my mind.

I love you so much and am so glad we were sealed together for eternity. I look forward to holding your hand again.

Love Monya

Unconditional Love

Hey babe, I'm in Utah visiting Teri. Two nights ago, I fell off a ladder and had to stay at the hospital. I hit so hard that it really scared me. But no broken bones, just severe internal bruising on my hip, shoulder leg, and left arm. My neck hurt like hell, too. 

I want to go home so wrong. I've been crying myself to sleep like I did when you left me. We had a wonderful life together. I look around and see so many people struggling to stay together. The only time the 'D' word ever came to my mind was when you had your first heart attack; wow, what a horribly unfortunate time for you and for me. I assumed you wanted to divorce me since I didn't hear from you. 

Now, as I see all our friends getting divorced after so many years of marriage, I am eternally grateful to have you forever. The Lord has truly blessed me. When I think about how easily I could have turned to drugs, alcohol, or worse when I was a youngster, I knew if I continued to pray, I would be blessed. I promised Heavenly Father I'd follow him if he would get me out of that horrible madness I lived in.

Then I found you. I remember being the 'Mormon Nerd, ' which is a good description. I was afraid to do anything wrong until three years into dating YOU. Lol. When I look back at that time, I realize how scared you were to disappoint your dad just after your mom died. I'm so glad you can let go of that shame now. As LDS members, we shame ourselves too much. The closest to a perfect person I have ever met is your mom, and oh, how I miss her.

I would not trade our memories for anything in the world. I know you wish you'd married someone like your mom. I know, I know, you never said it, but I most certainly didn't live up to her standards as a mother. Had she been alive at the beginning of our marriage, I know she would have helped me, then I would have been a better mom. Hine sight is always a crazy thing. I know that I loved each of our children with all my heart and still do even more as I see them turn into beautiful wives and mothers. Blake is a good man, husband, and father. Although you and I never really understood why they let the church, I'm grateful I have learned unconditional love. I just now knew what that meant. I love our children for who they are, not because they were baptized. They are grown adults, and as much as I wish I could go back and do it all over again, that simply is not His plan. 

My phone has been ringing off the hook, and production managers want to turn my book into a movie. I am not going down that road again. That book was a struggle to write I can't imagine Hollywood turning it into another nightmare.

I love you, and I need to get to bed. You won't believe this, but I'm having a yard sale ... yes you heard that right. I hate them, but you, my man left me with a lot of crap I never knew we had; you really knew how to hide things. I was hoping I would die first so you'd be the one to have to go through it all. It will be a new life for me, living alone in a home where I know no one. My fear is the kids will forget about me. 

I've invested in an e-commerce business, and I remember when I thought the training for American West Airlines was hard? This is out of my comfort zone. It's good that I am doing something now. Next month, I will be sixty-two and only have three more years to retire. I'm counting down the years. I want to be self-sufficient. I won't have a mortgage, thanks to you. Bake thinks our house will go for more than a million, and the new home is less than that. I should be okay with money. I call Ronnie Mabry about everything; he laughs and says, "Eric was always worried about you and told us endearing stories about you. He really loved you a lot. You are in a good position. Stop worrying." I can't imagine being retired, but I look forward to being my own boss.

I love you good-night my love!

Monya