Our First and Last Thanksgiving

 Hey Frenchie-

I am so overwhelmed and feel like I have no one I can trust to talk to. You were my one and done, my first and last lover. The day I leave this earth will be the happiest day of my life, for I will get to look into your beautiful eyes and hold you in my arms. Oh, what a day that will be. By then, you will have everyone convinced Donald Trump was the best President the world has ever had; it probably won't go quite like that, but I can dream. 

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, Eric; you would have loved it. Chloe is organized, you know? She called me and asked what the plan was for Thanksgiving. The next thing I knew, she had everyone's responsibility to bring for dinner. Blake Chloe made the Turkey, and it was unbelievably good. Kaitlyn made that raspberry jello salad. She tried to tell us it was a salad. Who's she kidding? That was our favorite dessert. She also made cream cheese with spicy cranberry jelly dip appetizer; you would have loved her sweet potatoes, too. I am trying to remember everything that was brought, but it was the best ever. I missed having Haleigh and Scott. She is still not talking to me, but I am no longer taking on anyone else's drama; I can't do that again. I would love to talk to her, and I think it is sad I don't get to see Ellis & Sena, but I cannot control this, so I'm letting it go for now.

Kayla went to New Mexico with Jeremy. His sister Megan was in a severe car accident with her family and Eric; it was terrible. Her husband and all of her children died. Megan was pregnant, so they had to do an emergency C-section, and that sweet little baby also died. I believe she was carrying her sixth child. I can't imagine waking up in the hospital and being told that my entire family was gone. She has strong faith, and that is what carried her through when her daughter died a few years ago. This is different; there is no husband to lean on. I hope her faith will take her through this trial. I pray for her every day.

I hoped the entire family would see the importance of being together for the first Thanksgiving without you and our last one in this house. You know what? I was grateful to the ones who could come. Kaitlyn said, "Mom, you made a perfect chocolate pie. I love it." That truly made my heart break. Do you know when you remember those moments as a child, and no one else does? This was like that. I automatically thought of my mom. She only complimented me once in my life, when she said I had the remarkable ability to forgive people. I remember where I was standing, what I was wearing, and how incredible it made me feel to have my mom acknowledge me in such a way. I will never forget this moment when Kaitlyn complimented me. I loved it. I also loved hearing the kids talk about the fun memories they shared with you. 

The night before Thanksgiving is usually the night you and I—well, really me—stay in the kitchen all day, wanting Thanksgiving to be perfect. You always went to Costco at the last minute for a sale on Pumpkin pie, and you were my go-to for running errands and picking up last-minute things from the store guy. I miss you coming in with that sly look like you thought you were in trouble with two turkeys in hand. Every year, I would ask, "When will we eat another Turkey before our next Thanksgiving?" It bugged me so much because the following year, you would want to donate it; well, you always wanted expired food to go to a shelter or be  donated somewhere, and every year, I would tell you, "Let's find a family who could use it this year."That never happened. I miss those little things. Every year, there was an argument about who I was inviting and whether we had enough tables and chairs- you knew we did. Your passive aggressiveness was saying, "Can you clean the tables and chairs so I don't have to do it?" It bugged me then, but I've changed since you left me. I can only control myself, and I've been leading with compassion towards people who say things that are just stupid- bless their hearts. They just don't understand the depth of my loneliness.

I'm packing up the house and don't want to get up in the attic—ugh—but you know I will get up on that ladder and start throwing things out. If there is anything worth keeping, I will save it, but honestly, what were we thinking, putting my old vinyl records up there? I'm sure they are cracked and wilted by now. There is certainly a lot to keep me busy for a few months. How in the world did we accumulate so much crap? I need to find out how much it will cost to have the city drop off a large garbage bin. I also need to call about getting someone to come to our house and shred everything that was essential papers. I know how important that was to you. 

Overall, our Thanksgiving was wonderful. Everyone got along, but everyone missed you, and I left your end seat empty—no one sat in it. 

I need some strength right now. I'm going to ask Brother Arnold to give me a blessing. I pray every night and listen for answers, but nothing comes, so I am overthinking this whole 'moving' thing. 

It's time for bed. Tomorrow, I will begin putting up Christmas, and I will think of you the entire time, knowing this is your favorite time of year. 

Love,

Monya

Unconditional Love

Dear Frenchie,

I’m in Utah visiting Teri. Two nights ago, I fell off a ladder and ended up in the hospital. I hit the ground so hard — it really scared me. Thankfully, I have no broken bones, but I have severe bruising on my hip, shoulder, leg, and left arm. My neck has been hurting like hell, too.

I just want to go home. I’ve been crying myself to sleep lately, the same way I did when you left me. We had such a wonderful life together. I look around and see so many people struggling to stay together. The only time the “D” word ever entered my mind during our marriage was when you had your first heart attack — what an unbelievably frightening time for both of us. I assumed you wanted to divorce me because I hadn’t heard from you… What a painful misunderstanding that was.

Now, seeing so many friends divorcing after decades of marriage, I’m eternally grateful that I will be with you forever. The Lord has truly blessed me. When I think about how easily I could have turned to drugs, alcohol, or worse when I was younger, I know it was prayer that saved me. I promised Heavenly Father I’d follow Him if He would get me out of the chaos I lived in — and He did.

Then I found you.

I remember being the “Mormon Nerd” — and yeah, that’s a fair description. I was so afraid of doing anything wrong, at least until three years into dating you! Lol. Looking back, I realize how scared you were of disappointing your dad right after your mom died. I’m so glad you finally learned to release that shame. As LDS members, we shame ourselves far too much. The closest thing to a perfect person I have ever met was your mom… and oh, how I miss her.

I wouldn’t trade our memories for anything in the world. We have many.

I know this:
I loved each of our children. I gave them all my heart, and I love them even more now as I watch them become beautiful wives and mothers. Blake is a good man, a committed husband, and an incredible father. Even though you and I never fully understood why some of our kids stepped away from the church, I’ve learned what unconditional love truly means. I love our children for who they are — not because of where they stand spiritually. They are grown adults, and as much as I wish I could go back and do it all over again… that simply is not His plan.

I love you, and I need to get to bed soon.

You won’t believe this — but I’m having a yard sale. Yes, really. I hate yard sales, but you, my man, left me with a lot of “stuff” I never even knew we had. You were incredible at hiding your things. I always thought I would die first so you would be the one to have to go through it all. Lol. Now I’m entering a new phase of life — living alone in a home where I don’t really know anyone. My biggest fear is that the kids will forget about me.

Next month I will be sixty-two, and I only have three more years until retirement. I’m counting down the years. I won’t have a mortgage, thanks to you. Blake thinks our house will sell for more than a million, and the new home is worth less than that, so I should be okay financially. Ronnie Mabry keeps reassuring me about everything. When I call him worried, he laughs and says:

“Eric was always worried about you and told us the most endearing stories about you. He really loved you a lot. You are in a good position. Stop worrying.”

So I’m trying. Really trying.

I love you, babe.
Good night, my love.

Monya