Unconditional Love

Dear Frenchie,

I’m in Utah visiting Teri. Two nights ago, I fell off a ladder and ended up in the hospital. I hit the ground so hard — it really scared me. Thankfully, I have no broken bones, but I have severe bruising on my hip, shoulder, leg, and left arm. My neck has been hurting like hell, too.

I just want to go home. I’ve been crying myself to sleep lately, the same way I did when you left me. We had such a wonderful life together. I look around and see so many people struggling to stay together. The only time the “D” word ever entered my mind during our marriage was when you had your first heart attack — what an unbelievably frightening time for both of us. I assumed you wanted to divorce me because I hadn’t heard from you… What a painful misunderstanding that was.

Now, seeing so many friends divorcing after decades of marriage, I’m eternally grateful that I will be with you forever. The Lord has truly blessed me. When I think about how easily I could have turned to drugs, alcohol, or worse when I was younger, I know it was prayer that saved me. I promised Heavenly Father I’d follow Him if He would get me out of the chaos I lived in — and He did.

Then I found you.

I remember being the “Mormon Nerd” — and yeah, that’s a fair description. I was so afraid of doing anything wrong, at least until three years into dating you! Lol. Looking back, I realize how scared you were of disappointing your dad right after your mom died. I’m so glad you finally learned to release that shame. As LDS members, we shame ourselves far too much. The closest thing to a perfect person I have ever met was your mom… and oh, how I miss her.

I wouldn’t trade our memories for anything in the world. We have many.

I know this:
I loved each of our children. I gave them all my heart, and I love them even more now as I watch them become beautiful wives and mothers. Blake is a good man, a committed husband, and an incredible father. Even though you and I never fully understood why some of our kids stepped away from the church, I’ve learned what unconditional love truly means. I love our children for who they are — not because of where they stand spiritually. They are grown adults, and as much as I wish I could go back and do it all over again… that simply is not His plan.

I love you, and I need to get to bed soon.

You won’t believe this — but I’m having a yard sale. Yes, really. I hate yard sales, but you, my man, left me with a lot of “stuff” I never even knew we had. You were incredible at hiding your things. I always thought I would die first so you would be the one to have to go through it all. Lol. Now I’m entering a new phase of life — living alone in a home where I don’t really know anyone. My biggest fear is that the kids will forget about me.

Next month I will be sixty-two, and I only have three more years until retirement. I’m counting down the years. I won’t have a mortgage, thanks to you. Blake thinks our house will sell for more than a million, and the new home is worth less than that, so I should be okay financially. Ronnie Mabry keeps reassuring me about everything. When I call him worried, he laughs and says:

“Eric was always worried about you and told us the most endearing stories about you. He really loved you a lot. You are in a good position. Stop worrying.”

So I’m trying. Really trying.

I love you, babe.
Good night, my love.

Monya