Frenchie,
Today I did the walk-through on the house I purchased. I had Blake and Kayla with me, which helped so much. Not much needed fixing, but I asked them to take down the front railing so I could put out chairs and have room to sit. Honestly… am I ever really going to sit out front? It seems like such a small, strange thing, but most of the houses here have chairs out front — so of course, I had to do the same thing!
My stomach turned as I signed the closing papers. It made me sick. Part of me is still holding back, wanting to say, I don’t want to move. I want to stay in our home — the home you and I built together all those years ago. There are so many things I want but can’t have anymore. One of the biggest? You. I want you back. I want us back.
Since the house was being built, I only drove out there twice. Terry sent me pictures as it progressed, but quite honestly… I couldn’t care less. I knew the structure existed, but without you, it felt like just walls and wood.
After I left the closing, I came home and cried. I know the house is just a building, but the memories we made there — that’s what I’m leaving behind. I feel guilty — like I shouldn’t be making these big decisions without you. I still think we should make them together.
I put beams in the bedroom and my office, and brick on the walls too. I added a bathtub to the master bathroom — you know how excited I am for that first bubble bath! I even put a TV right above the bathtub — remember when we went to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill in Las Vegas and our hotel had the TV over the bath? Yep… just like that. My favorite upgrade is the bathtub, but the ice machine comes in a close second! I know you wouldn’t have chosen any of those options, or add-ons, but I plan on staying in this house. I never want to move again. It’s hard work — emotionally and physically — but I’m trying.
I can’t tell you enough how much I miss you — your smell, your smile, your eye-rolls at me, that cute little grin you gave me so often, and even your runs to Costco and Sam’s Club. The move keeps me busy — and that distraction helps — but it’s still so weird to go to church without you. At least in the Sixth Ward, they knew me and understood why I couldn’t smile. I really don’t want to have to tell that story over and over again.
I loved being your wife — and being part of the Williams family. They have always treated me better than my own family ever did. Your mom and dad… they are the best. I miss them so much, too.
Thank you for loving me — in the good, the bad, the ugly, and through sickness and health. But the best promise we made to each other… that promise is what will bring us back together again.
See you soon.
Love,
Monya
