If Time Could Stand Still

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2013

If time could stand still

Thursday, December 5
Eric decided he wanted to go with me today. I usually go to Mayo alone; he knows why now. The people who go with you typically sit in the waiting area, and I feel bad when they have to wait. But he insisted. 3 appointments today, Pre-certification for surgery, then to talk about the living will and all that jazz.
Finally, our last appointment was with Dr. Barr's; I asked Eric not to talk much because Dr. Barr's is very busy, and he usually covers everything I need to know without asking any questions. The reason I said this to Eric was that I KNOW him, he will talk to everyone, and he did; the receptionist, he asked her about things she had no idea about, then the nurse, who again referred him to the Dr., he even asked the same questions to the lady helping us with the living will--then when we were walking out he stopped the volunteer to ask her something----I just grabbed his arm and politely said "let's get going, to our next appointment" I could see his dad in him today--he was a funny man and loved to talk to everyone.

When we finally did see Dr. Barr's he turned on the screen so I could, for the 1st time, see inside my right ear; all I really saw was infection--to me, it was no big deal; really, I have been asking Eric to look at it for weeks. Still, he says, "it looks the same as it did last time you asked me."  For the last couple of weeks, it has swollen up and been tender but dealing with my mother's death, I have not really paid much attention other than to put a new cotton ball in when it starts to drip. I have had more migraines than usual, and now I'm wondering about the slurred speech. 

Dr. Barr took out his ear vacuum and started to suck out what he could; I was a little frightened watching the screen and seeing what he was doing; I thought it would hurt, but it didn't. It also didn't suck anything out-- he then stuck some gadget down the ear canal to try and see what he could--now that hurt. He then called for Kathleen, his RN, to come in, and they discussed medical terms that were over my head; then asked me to take a seat next to Eric. He said, "this is terrible, and in case you didn't hear me....(which I didn't, but Eric did), he repeated it, "this is terrible"  He then showed us a large picture of the inner ear, which I have seen many times before. Dr. Barr's explained to Eric he had not seen this type of infection come so far out of the canal; he asked if Eric would stay close by while he was doing surgery so he could get his permission to move forward if needed. That means that if this has gone into the bone, he will have to cut out through the bone, which will leave a significant indentation on the side of my head. The good thing about all this is that I'm deaf in that ear, so it will not affect my hearing; if I had a normal ear, I would not have any hearing after this surgery.

Monday, December 9, 2013
 Tomorrow I will again be rolled into an OR at the Mayo Clinic. I've had anxiety all day today; I told my friend Marian that I feel more nervous about this surgery than I did the night before going in for the bilateral mastectomy. Marian said it's because I know too much now; going in for the mastectomy, I had no idea what I was getting into except that I would go into surgery with breasts and come out without them.

My inner ear is pounding like I can feel my heartbeat through my ear. I've been taking the antibiotics Dr. Barr's gave me, but it doesn't seem like it's getting better. Tonight I put the drops in my ear, and it felt like they were hitting my skull; the pain was something I had not felt since I was a little girl. The veins on my face and neck popped out, and I immediately turned red; my eyes teared up, and my nose started to run. It's this immense pain I cannot describe.

I'm trying my hardest to have a good attitude, be positive and smile my way through this. I got a text from a good friend yesterday; she was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year after me; she had a single mastectomy and was diagnosed at stage 2b. Her text said the tumor is back at stage 4 and has metathesized into several large organs. I threw the phone when I read it, what happened, why is this happening she was at stage 2. My mind went to a deep dark place where I knew I shouldn't be. I sat on my bedroom floor and cried myself to sleep. In my sleep, I saw Eric's mom and dad; they looked so happy; I wanted to stay with them; it felt comfortable and Heavenly there--finally, this is where I'm supposed to be; it almost felt like I was playing hide and seek, and not wanting anyone to find me there--Vi held my hand and said "You know you can't hide here, right?" and just like the snap of a finger they were gone, and I woke up--I slammed my hand on the carpet. I yelled, "No, please don't find me; let me go back just a little bit longer."

I hope I can go back there tomorrow; I want to visit with them more-- If I could just let time stand still, I would go back to the day Recker was born. I would hold him and love on him if I could. I would make the clock stop, but then my heart tells me I can't do that; I have to push through, listen to the clock's ticking, and do what I can to be brave. Tonight I feel like my heart is being torn apart piece by piece; I move 3 steps forward and 4 steps back, never getting ahead--I'm sitting here staring at one of my Mayo Clinic Itinerary, wondering how I got here--I don't want to go, what will happen if I don't go? as these thoughts are going through my head I am ripping up the Itinerary, maybe if I shred it, it won't be real.
A few weeks ago, during our Family Home Evening, I asked everyone if they knew this was their last day to live. What would they do? I'm not sure why I asked them, except that I have been thinking about it since my mother died. Some of their answers were funny; I think letting your mind go there is hard.

If I knew it was my last day on earth, I would watch the sunrise and feel the warmth on my face, I'd leave the dishes, I'd turn off the phone and TV, gather all my family around me, and make sure each one of them knew how much I love them. I'd hold my grandson and breathe in the scent of Ezra's baby smell. I'd look into Recker's eye and talk to him with my heart. We would watch The Sound of Music and eat popcorn as a family---then I'd take a picture with each one of them and tell them why they are so important to me and why I love them so much--I'd say to them I want no empty seats in Heaven--every one of them needs to be there--we are an Eternal Family. We'd go outside and watch the beautiful sunset of the Arizona sky..... and I'd have them sing me to sleep with Primary songs.

Now it's getting late, and I need to rest; tomorrow, I will wake up and HOPE for all prayers to be answered. I want to go to a place where the hurt ends, and the healing begins--I want to be wrapped up in the arms of His mercy--I just need this one more time--please, just one more time.

Next Up Surgery Dec 10th

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 01, 2013

Next Up Surgery December 10

I have spent several days at Mayo Clinic over the past few months. It is time to remove cancer in my ear canal. I was sitting at work with my supervisor one day a couple of weeks ago, and she interrupted me to tell me that blood was dripping from my ear onto my shirt. Quickly grabbed a tissue and covered my ear. That blood is combined with blackness, I have to cover it constantly with tissue, or it will drip out--when the tissue is not in my ear, it feels as though the wind is blowing from one ear out to the other. To make light of this, but maybe there really is nothing in between my ears--haha, Dr. Barrs will take my ear off, lay it to the side of my head where he can see more clearly what is happening down the ear canal--my ear has had so many surgeries on it as a child. The ear canal is smaller than an infant's ear canal. It makes it hard for him to see how bad or good it is in there.

  As a young child, I was standing outside of our home throwing a football back and forth to the neighbor kids across the street; someone had rolled over the ball with their car, and the tube inside the football was bursting through the seams, but it didn't keep us from throwing the ball we loved those simple pleasures. I caught the ball, and it blew up in my hands. I immediately grabbed my ear, as it began to bleed, my mother rushed me to the hospital, once again for another surgery. The eardrum broke again. The surgeon was not able to repair my eardrum. From that day forward I was not allowed to immerse my ear in water--no swimming, no baptism. 

I remember being in that hospital more times than I ever wanted to be--same room--same nurses--same surgeries, to get progressively worse after each surgery. Dr. Borland was my ENT, I loved him because he loved my grandmother who was an RN at the hospital where he worked, and he always told me incredible stories about her--she passed away having melanoma and he was always impressed with her ability to live if she did--she was a fighter. I never swam, I was baptized at the age of ten with my ear covered in gauze packing, taped down, and covered with plastic--

At age 29, I began to have symptoms of my equal Librium being off, and I was falling to the ground. Actually, Eric and I would laugh about it. Being young and newly married, we had no idea what was going on--I went to see Dr. Borland he took one look in my ear and sent me to another ENT specialist, I'm assuming much like Dr. Barr's at Mayo Clinic, he specializes in the inner ear only, his official title is Department of Otolaryngology, Ontology, and Neurology department. He explained after he takes the ear off and can see the tumor, he cannot give me a clear indication as to the severity of it.  However, he was 70% sure it is intact and will be able to be taken out. Then he will graft skin from my back or another part of my body to cover the hole in my ear drum. He will make a small hole in the eardrum to allow relief of pressure. Then he will attach the Bone Anchored Hearing Aid --the proper name is the Cochlear Baja device for people with SSD. (single-sided deafness) Basically I will never be able to have hearing restored in my right ear, but this device, will take the sound from the bone and nerves in my right ear to the bone and nerves in my left ear to help me hear better with the excellent ear --getting older it is getting even harder to hear, and this will give me a better quality of life. 

The day before my mother died, I was told because of the Obama Care, what was approved last year is now not covered anymore--It was a letdown, but I have lived without hearing in that ear for so long, I can do it and continue to read lips until it is approved.

This recovery will be long and hard. 'I'm not sure what he means by that; chemo and radiation were no walk in the park, and I've had plenty of ear surgeries. Today,I tried to get a clear picture of what my ear looks like, but's hard to see in there, but I forgot to put the tissue in today when Kayla came over, and she was pretty sickened by what it looks like, so I'd better keep it covered and cleared from getting infected. You may be wondering why we are waiting until December 10 to have the surgery done. Well, that was my decision; I need to see one of my oncologists on December 03, which was the earliest Dr. Barrs could get me in, so I opted for my preop appointment on December 03 after my Dr. Magtibay appointment, then surgery on the 10th. Yesterday, Eric and I went to the Audiology department at the Mayo Clinic on Shea to have another hearing test done for the insurance company. I'm fairly sure the audiologist was grossed out when she saw the cotton ball soaked in black cancerous goop and blood, she asked, "Has Dr. Barr's seen you recently. Because that does not look good" After explaining to her I saw him a couple of weeks ago. Now he is on vacation, I do not want any other doctor doing this surgery, she proceeded with the hearing test, only on the left side this time since they now are convinced, I have 0% hearing in the right ear--left ear hearing is still there same as last year--just a tad bit worse--nothing to be alarmed about. Hopefully the insurance will listen to my plea for an exception to be made, so I do not have to go through yet another ear surgery.

Carcinoma in the ear canal (I wish mine looked this good)

This is a smaller version of the hole in my eardrum--mine is now completely blown out.

On December 10, I will once again go into a surgery room at Mayo Clinic, praying to the Lord to help me fight this thing. Someone asked me today, "Are you tired of this?" I said, "Tired of what? This is just life and happens to be mine." But honestly, it is getting harder for me to remain optimistic. It's 3:00 am, and I need to go to bed. 

On Sunday, during the sacrament, I was in tremendous pain but wanted to go and take the Sacrament and then listen to the testimonies born, hoping I could feel the spirit and be lifted again to a higher level. Also, I forgot to take my aspirin the past few days, and the slurring started this morning. I hesitated walking up to the pulpit, but the spirit led me by some things Norma Hastings said, and I knew the people in our ward would understand.  I have no idea what I said and hope what was said was understood because the words came from my heart. I can't explain how hard it is to get sentences to come out the way you want them to, but they don't.  Honestly, I felt the spirit today Heaven's angels were helping me. After Sacrament, a friend told me a story about her experience during my mother's funeral. I don't feel comfortable sharing her experience, but that experience was reconfirmed to her at the Temple last week. It was exactly what I needed to hear--so my sweet friend if you are reading this, I love you, and I thank you for sharing such an intimate experience you had with the spirit. I love you.

The carcinoma is my ear is now a little out of control I cannot go for over an hour without the black soaking through the cotton balls--It's time for the surgery. Tuesday, I will see my oncologist. Thursday, I will have my preop; and the following Tuesday, I will have surgery.

Thanksgiving Medley

 

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2013

Thanksgiving Medley

Sunday morning, November 24, 2013

Eric and I moved to Gilbert over 26 years ago. We are both natives of Arizona; I'm from Phoenix, and Eric is from Mesa. We moved into the sixth ward when Haleigh was only 18 months old; now, she is married. We raised all 4 of our children in Gilbert, and every one of my children was baptized on their birthdays in this ward--the sixth ward will always be home to me. I will never forget our 1st Sunday attending this ward. We met in the Val Vista Stake Center building. Elouise Cluff was our Relief Society President. She came up to me with her big, huge smile, put her arms around me, and said, "You must be sister Williams. Let me show you where the Primary and nursery children meet......"

I felt special. She already knew who I was. I have to say even my children who are married and gone say there is no ward like the sixth ward. Bishop Wally Slade welcomed us with open arms and a giving heart. This ward was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. I distinctly remember sister Harbertson bearing testimony. When she spoke, it pierced my heart. One of the most powerful testimonies I have ever heard came from a young adult in this ward, Ally Packard visiting from BYU. Her testimony of Christ and his teachings touched me. I connected with her without her even knowing. She said she was searching for a testimony, her own, separate from parents or teachers; through her study and prayer, she had come to know for herself that HE lives. I could go on forever about the examples of faith and hope in this ward I live in. I have loved every gospel doctrine teacher; Brother Steve Peterson and Brother Stephen Phelps taught me so many lessons about the Savior and the Atonement of Jesus Christ-- I realized this morning I have been in Gilbert longer than I lived with my parents. I have always had a testimony of Christ, but I would be lying if I said the men and women of the sixth ward haven't helped me to anchor it, keep it burning in my heart.

This morning when I prayed, I asked if the Lord would please let my mom and dad see a glimpse into my life now, let them know the woman I have become. I'm trying hard to do what is right, live a Christ-centered life, and make them proud of me. Please let them know I have a forgiving heart and enjoy the simple things in life, and because of every trial, bump, or bruise, I have learned to be a fighter, a survivor, and to lean on the Lord for guidance. In other words, I am who I am because of the good and bad I've experienced and will yet experience in my life. I don't try to fully understand what happens between the period of death and the resurrection. Still, we have a chance to redeem ourselves for mistakes we've made, especially those that concern our eternal families. I have seen the physical reaction, and tole PRIDE takes on a body; it can destroy lives. It makes me want to say sorry to anyone I've ever hurt. My heart has really changed. This is yet another experience I needed in my life--I Will Never Be the Same--

I'm not feeling terrific. My ear is pounding. I don't know if I can make it through the meetings today. I love the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and for the 20 years we have been in this ward, I have sung with the choir--The Thanksgiving Medley- arranged by Stephen Phelps and Eloise Cluff. Today, I won't be able to sing. A nasty sore throat and a pounding ear do not make for a good combination--

Sunday, November 24, 2013, 4:30 pm

I decided there was no way I could miss hearing the choir sing or Stephen Phelps play the Thanksgiving Medley--Today, they announced Stephen Phelps has played this arrangement 32 years in a row in the sixth ward; I'm so glad I didn't miss it. I teared up, like I always do, some because I couldn't sing today and mainly because no music arrangement has ever touched me like that one...I love it. 

Mom's Funeral

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2013

Mom's Funeral

My nephew Ronny 

November 19, 2013, Tuesday
Today, my sisters and I attended the funeral services for our mother. It's difficult to describe how I felt. I was drawn closer to her by listening to her cousin, Mary Joyce, speak of mom's earlier years when she was a young girl and teenager. Mom never talked much about those days, so it was nice to hear and learn about her life's fun, happy side. All is Holy in the house of God, and I was trying my hardest to feel heaven there.

Linda, Myself, and Dottie (Linda's mom)

Linda is one of my besties- I love her.

Susan and Ron Lundberg (mom's closest friends)

 I am grateful for my friends who supported me and did not let the influence of "not knowing" my mom keep them from coming to support me. I needed you there, and I so appreciate Millie. We have been friends for 15 years. She had no idea of my life before Gilbert, yet because of her Christian spirit, she came and loved me through it. She also brought enchiladas to my family for Sunday dinner. She will and always be close to my heart. Linda, my friend from childhood, she and her mother drove far to be here, and I will always love Linda for her unconditional love, especially having known my parents made it special to me to have her there. Last, my dear friend Jenny Ruttinger texted me and said, "I know this will be hard for you. I will be sitting with you," and she did. We've been through a lot together in the past 20+ years. No questions asked. I knew she would be there for me. Eric and I decided we wanted to position ourselves perfectly to see and watch Stephen Phelps play the organ. I always feel the spirit and peace when I listen to him play. He and his wife have been a tremendous example for me as we have tried to raise our children by their example. Eric and I spoke about him many times this past week, knowing it would be difficult for him physically to play, and it would have been OK if he couldn't come, but he did, and I know he did it just for me. I love you, Stephen and Carolei. You have been an example to me for over 20 years and continue to amaze me with your loving hearts.

Jenny--I love you

November 20, 2013, Wednesday
As I post this, Eric and I are in Mexico, spending some time at our condominium. He needed to fix our freezer (well, I say him, but those of you who know my "Tim, the tool man" knows he will hire someone to fix it.)  He wanted me to come last week and was leaving for Mexico on the day he got the text from me saying my mother had passed. This week he has been begging me to come with him, and I have not wanted to go, mostly because I think some of those depression and unresolved issues are unsettling. Eric knows me so well. He knew if I stayed home, I would lay around and try to figure out the whys. Then became depressed and anxious, so I'm glad I came with him.

 Being here draws me closer to Heavenly Father. I can sit on the sand, watch the ocean waves come gently in and out and see the hand of the Lord pick me up and keep me from getting carried away in those waves. Honestly, I have so many emotions stirring up inside of me. Although what I am saying is entirely from my heart, and I am being true to myself, I know it will confuse some people.

I want to remember and write some of my fond memories of mom. Our kitchen was always our gathering place, and I loved sitting, watching, and learning from her. There were 3 things I remember distinctly about my mom during Christmas--she always made Red Velvet Cake and sprinkled the green and red sparkles to top it off. She also taught me how to make her Cranberry Meatballs, a Christmas Eve Tradition in our home. Lastly, she made cheese balls and gave them to friends and anyone she knew who needed a little boost during the holidays. Eric and I still carry on this tradition, so if you get a cheese ball during the holiday month, it's because our family loves you--DON"T THROW IT AWAY. Mom grew her own small cucumbers and taught me how to pickle them. I loved her homegrown pickles. I went to a girls' camp every year, and she was there. It was comforting to have my mom with us at Camp Lo Mia; all the girls in the Stake loved her. I wanted to be just like that. I wanted to work in Young Women's like she did, go to girl's camp like she did, and enjoy all the blessings from serving in YW. I have not had an opportunity to serve in the YW program for more than 6 months, but I was able to be our ward camp director for several years. I also remember my mom giving me the first compliment I can remember. She said, "Monya, you can get upset or mad, spit it out, then let it go; I like that about you" When Elvis Presley died, I was mowing the lawn and remember coming into the house to get a drink of water, she was crying, she really loved music, that is probably why I love music so much. I'll never forget telling my mother over the phone that my brother had died; she was heartbroken; she screamed "No, no" repeatedly and then threw the phone.

Mom is with Lance now.

I have tried to write and re-write to avoid offending anyone; I've decided journaling is a good thing for ME (maybe not how YOU would handle it) to be real; I've hidden for too many years. So--to all of you who have written me emails criticizing me for the things I blog about all I can say to you, my intentions are in the right place and coming from an authentic real me. You did not live my life and are not living my journey now. You saw my mom give endless hours of service to others, including some of you, and she did it not because she was Relief Society President, she did it because she wanted to serve; I'm so grateful for her example to me in that regard, and for the last thing on this subject, those of you who have emailed me with your criticism, I noticed not one of you took time to show your respect to my mother and come to her funeral. So please do not bother sending me a follow-up email--I said it, was upset about what you said, and now I'm over it. This is in the Lord's hands now, and I honestly believe my mother wanted the goal that myself and my sisters wanted, for our family to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but it is difficult to do that when you cannot admit parts are missing. I tried many times to mend this relationship and was given a blessing with confirmation that this will not be resolved in this lifetime. Unless hearts were softened and sorrow was shown. I realize this was difficult for my mother but was necessary on her part for our relationship to continue--she made her choices--and we have all had to deal with that decision. Mom did the best she knew how to do. I will see her again, and the Lord will solve all earthly issues. Thank you, Linda, for permitting me to express my feelings here. If you have problems, please email Linda.

Beautiful Casket

Greg dedicated the grave.

 I believe our lives are like ocean waves, constantly moving, sometimes those waves are further out than we can reach, but they eventually rise to meet me in a solemn comforting manner--when they do -- all is quiet and calm, especially in my heart where I need it the most. I am grateful my mother is peaceful with a completely healthy body. Still, I need some guidance; I believe there can be healing even in the deepest of graves--when we humble ourselves and allow the spirit to speak--but not all is calm in my heart right now--I feel lonely and vulnerable, and I know no-one on this earth can understand what I am feeling--not even my sister Sonya--she said she felt a warm blanket of "comfort" around her during the funeral--why didn't I feel that? Am I not worthy enough for that feeling?

When my brother Lance died, I felt so guilty for not doing more to help him; it was a heavy burden I was carrying; I knelt and prayed one night for comfort and peace to fill my soul, for the Lord to let me know Lance was OK. That night as I knelt waiting for an answer, I felt my brother's hand on mine, and his voice, as clear as day, said, "This is the Lord's will, not yours; I am happy" Because of that experience I was able to move forward in faith and HOPE knowing without a doubt Lance was in a good place.

 It was the start of healing when I could be at mom's bedside and say, "I forgive you," before she passed on. It was a tender moment, and I know she heard me.

During the funeral, my mother's dearest friend Susan spoke and told memories she had of my mom. She said from her heart that she really loved my mom, something I will always be grateful for. While she was speaking, I thought of a talk given by Elder Bednar at the General Conference in October of 2009. He talked about family love; he said that no wife, daughter, son, or husband should hear the words "I love you" for the first time from the pulpit--this is what I heard--but not from my mom from her friend. I wish I had heard "I love you and am proud of you" from my mother's lips. All I can do now is to make sure everyone I genuinely love and care for not only hears it but KNOW it. I understand mom may not have been able to express her love to me because I'm not really sure if she was told as a child--maybe she was never taught by example--I don't know--all I know for sure is when I held each and every one of my children in my arms for the 1st time I loved them--unconditionally loved each one of them. I guess forgiveness does not always leave you with peace and happiness. This part will come to me in the Lord's time--It always does-so for now, I love you, mom, and I know you did the best you could.

Dear Mom

 

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2013

Dear Mom

Today is Sunday, November 17

 Last night I barely slept. My hip pain is getting worse; I just barely had a cortisone shot a month ago--When I spoke to the Oncologist last week, she said I need to get more tests done--YAY, more tests--(sarcasm). Also, the tumor in my head is bleeding out through my ear, and I'm constantly changing the cotton ball--I didn't want to go to church today; in thinking about it, I received an email from my dear friend Carla Kelly, telling me her husband was speaking in church, I invited her to sit with me. The meeting today was beautiful; I loved all the talks revolving around President Monson's talk on adversity in our lives--endure to the end. Carla and her Husband lost a son 2 years ago; it has been a tough time for them, a wrenching pain I don't understand since I have never lost a child. But I remember how hard it was on my mom when she lost her son Lance at age 15. I've decided it's not about the trial or adversity we endure; it's about how strong we are to take those times. We can embrace those storms and come out on the other end a better person, having been through them, or we can become cold, hard-hearted, and let it destroys our lives and the ones we love the most, our family.

Mom, on Halloween, 2013

I know the Lord knows where my hidden places are, and HE will find me there, bring me into the light again and pull me up from the scrapes, bruises, and wounds I feel--HE will heal me.
If I am 100% pure and honest, I am afraid of going to the Funeral. Many people from the West Stake area where I grew up, who, when hearing bits and pieces of our lives years ago, did not believe this could be true--I'm nervous about seeing any of them. I'm hoping this can be put to rest; I want my mom to find some peace that she did not have here on earth for so long. Nothing that happened here on this earth can be changed; I would never change any of it, even as hard as it has been. I prayed for so many years it could and would be different. Still, I've realized all the fears and doubts we all go through are OUR OWN JOURNEY, something we chose together with our Heavenly Father before we came to earth. The faith I have found in myself during these endless, sleepless nights has changed me.   I've seen the hand of God in my life; I've asked for big and small miracles to happen; some have been granted, and most have not. Not because HE does not love me, but because HE loves me THAT much. I am proof that He is REAL; I cannot and will never deny that.

If I could talk to my mom today, I would say...
 Monday, November 18, 2013

Mom, I want to be healed, I want you to know me, I want you to see the woman you helped create. Thank you for giving me life, for staying with me all those times I was in the hospital and didn't want to be alone in the dark as a little girl. Thank you for never saying anything wrong about the Belshe family or my father, who put me in the hospital. Thank you for teaching me how to sew, even if I didn't care for it, thank you for teaching me to bake and love it. Thank you for not allowing me to drink soda and giving me a choice between fruit and candy. Most of all, thank you for remaining true to your faith, taking me to church, and helping me to anchor my testimony in Jesus Christ.

I know you have been in pain for years, and I also know this is so bittersweet for you, leaving three daughters behind with no earthly resolve but being able to go into the arms of Lance, your only son. You and I have been wanting the same things, a loving eternal family. I want you to know I KNOW you did the best you knew how to do.

 Today I went to the funeral home and watched as Kris did your hair. You were always so beautiful to me. I've heard it said, "time heals all wounds" I know time cannot stand still; life goes on. Things get more accessible, but for some reason, I want you to know not a day has gone by since Lance died that I haven't thought about him; now, as I think of him, I will always think of you with a perfect body, no more pain, being able to once again go forward with this next journey of your life, hopefully, happy and able to look down on your middle daughter (bonbon) and finally hear the words.
I LOVE YOU, MOM. I have you to thank for the tears running down my cheeks, but now it's time to wipe those away finally.

 There has been a hole in my heart for too many years; now, it's time to release that pain and reclaim the parts of my life that I have struggled with. I don't blame you; I forgive you, and this place where we call home and life is just passing through. Home is where you are now--no more sorrow or pain--the Lord will take over now and allow you and I both to heal. 

Today mom Died 11/12/2013

 

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2013

Today Mom Died 11/12/13

The time was 8:15 pm on November 12, 2013
It seems weird to write about this, but my feelings are raw and honest, and I need to register for therapy. I always wondered what this would feel like; my mom passed away today. She has been staying in an assisted living home for the past couple of months, only a couple of miles from my house. My sister Sonya got the call from my mom's bishop that mom needed to be placed in assisted living after her last fall, and Sonya decided driving a couple of hours one way every day to take care of her in Phoenix was a little too much for her. Hence, she decided to move mom to this side of town. A few months before my cancer diagnosis, my stepfather, Gary, died, and I was asked by my mother's best friend Susan to please come to the hospital and be with her. I hesitated because besides a couple of hateful letters I had received over the years (one that almost put me in a mental hospital, I have Debbie Slade and President Lesueuer to thank for that not happening), it had at that time already been 17 years since I had any contact with either one of them, per my mother's request. 6 months before Gary died, I was at the Temple and, out of the blue, had a feeling of forgiveness come over me more substantial than I had ever felt before; I searched for an email or someway to contact him and let him know. It simply read:

"Dear Dad, I want you to know I have forgiven you. I have a beautiful family 3 girls and 1 boy. We live in Gilbert, Arizona, and are very happy. I hope you are happy too."  Love Monya.

Within 6 months, he passed away, and I was at his bedside. My choice to be at his bedside did not have much to do with him but more to do with mending the relationship with my mother.

I will never forget walking into that hospital room with my 4 children, my sisters chose not to go, and I never judged them for that; in fact, Sonya begged me not to go; she is very protective over me and knows I get my hopes up, only to be crushed. 

The depression, guilt, and heartache start all over again. She is wise, but I did not listen. I went anyway; it was a tremendously grotesque experience to have my children watch as they pulled the plug on him; it was as if he was fighting to go to the other side; it honestly is what I imagined a person with a demon inside of them trying to get out would look like--I have questioned my motherly instinct on that one for years now.....not a good idea. But the one thing that struck me and has stayed with me over all these years is that my mother showed no emotion whatsoever. I spoke with her bishop and told him Eric and I would be willing to help with whatever arrangements needed to be done, hugged my mom, and said goodbye. The next day she called me to find out about meeting her at the funeral home; I replied, "Yes, mom, I would love to help you; what time would you like me to pick you up?" and then it came, that voice, it rings in my ears I can still hear her "Monya, I still have one more thing I need to say to you...." the sarcasm and stench in her voice let me know this was not going to go well...I quickly responded, "Mom, please not now; your husband just died yesterday. Can we please just let this go? I want a clean start with you."  She abruptly interrupted me and said, "You ruined our lives with your lies, and your father was forgiven for what he did."  obviously my next question was "what was he forgiven for? According to you and he both, he never did anything wrong. This led to a massive bowl of tears on my part, and I immediately called her bishop to tell him this would not work. He would have to get someone else to go to the funeral home and help her tomorrow, one of my kids called Sonya and told her what had happened as I wept like a baby wanting to be coddled by their mother. Sonya took measures into her own hands, called my mom, and, well, let's just say she finally was able to give her a little bit of her own medicine, all in defense of me. I love Sonya for that. A few months later came my cancer diagnosis, and of course, Sonya was protective, not allowing mom to go to the hospital or make life any more stressful than I needed it to be. I simply have put the whole ordeal behind me and not looked back; I knew and still do know that my mother is stubborn, that pride will never allow her to say she's sorry; if she did, then she would have to do something about it, and that was out of the question for her.

Over the past month, I realized while reading the Infinite Atonement that I need to forgive my mother. I have asked myself repeatedly, "How can you forgive your birth father for abandoning you as a little girl?"'How can you forgive the stepdad who abused you but not be able to forgive your own mother?"These questions have haunted me as I have studied the Atonement and tried desperately to comprehend why a mother would walk away from her children and grandchildren and why she stayed with a man who could do such heinous things to her very own flesh and blood. All these years, all I have ever wanted to hear from her was, "I'm sorry, this is not your fault, and I wish it had never happened,"or just "I'm sorry," that would have been sufficient. I was never granted those simple words "I love you."  

One day recently, while at the Temple, I had that overwhelming feeling again that I needed to let her know I had forgiven her. This is all the Lord asks of us, to Love One Another and to forgive as he did. Knowing I am about to have another major surgery, I realized I do have one last regret I need to take care of, I need to let her know how I feel, to let her know I have forgiven her and that I know the Lord will take care of all of this mess one day. I was not expecting anything in return, but my heart had finally been softened enough to acknowledge my weakness in not granting her the forgiveness I have in my heart for all these years of heartache and pain.

Two things happened, 1st I sent a text to my visiting teachers asking them if they would help me, I wanted them to come with me to the assisted living home while I spoke with her,  I felt this was the best way and felt the safest for me personally. I purposefully did not tell my family, not even Eric or Sonya that I was planning this for Friday the 14th this week. I have wonderful visiting teachers Kathi Cluff who I adore and admire so much, she is not only beautiful physically but have always looked to her for an example of true Christ like love. Marian Priday, is my other visiting teacher, I love her and have complete faith and assurance in confidentiality with her knowing she will always give me the best advice and help in anyway she can.

The 2nd thing that happened was last weekend I took my girls to a women's convention in downtown Phoenix called Time Out For Women, there were over 5500 women in attendance. During the very 1st speaker I was so emotional Brad Wilcox was the speaker, he spoke of the Atonement and how to use it in our lives, it felt as though he was speaking to me, and only me, like I was the only one in the room. He said The Atonement is a Gift, no one made or forced Christ to die for our sins, HE chose it.
and this is literally what I wrote in my note book "The spirit is so strong, my heart is pounding, I cannot get my mom off of my mind"  Let go of willpower and rely on HIS power, turn towards HIM-HE is the light. My life end goal of enduring to the end is to become more like HIM, to lead a more Christ like life in all that I do and say.
Can people change?
Not without God-
Alone we will fail-
with God all things are possible-

my next line of notes really hit me tonight--
YES--I can do this-through the Atonement of Christ I can face my fears, I can face my mother, and in the holiest of a pure heart I can tell her "I forgive you" and expect nothing in return.
Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the future home of all who are willing to be perfected.

Yesterday, I thought about my brother all day, it has been 26 years since his death, he would of been 42 in January. This is a night I will never forget, Veterans Day has always been a special day to me now. That night having to tell my parents their only son had died in their home while they were out of town, was hard. It was a defining moment in my life.

Today, as I sat holding my little grandson, my sister Sonya sent me a text that read "can you talk?" I did not respond knowing Kayla was soon leaving and I just wanted a few more minutes with Ezra. As soon as Kayla left, I got the 2nd text saying my mom was in Banner  Gateway Hospital and for me to come, she was not going to make it--I rushed over there, walked in the solemn room, quiet and with a smell of sickness and death--I stood by her side, told her "Mom, its Monya and I'm here--mom I forgive you" within just a few more very deep breaths the sounds of the flat lines  on the machine went off and she was gone. Sonya, Greg and myself alone in a room with a woman who had caused so much pain in our lives, suddenly I felt the pains of devastation--now I know what that feels like, its not having been abused, that can be fixed and forgiven, its not having cancer, it's a family ripped apart, because of pride,  a daughter of our Heavenly Father wanting so badly to have a relationship with her mother, call her for a recipe, talk about spiritual moments, share the blessings of an eternal family--just ripped in half--all over PRIDE.

 This earth is our school of learning, and I am saying from an authentic place, that I need to pray for myself to heal my heart from the hurt and pain my mom and dad have caused--help change ME--don't worry anymore about changing HER--The Atonement will allow all of me to change for good--I choose to be authentic, I choose to forgive, I choose to live like the Savior.

Today, if I am absolutely authentic, I had so many emotions go through me--why? why? couldn't my mom say "I'm sorry?" Why, was I not given 2 more days to express my feelings to her? Was the Lord protecting me from more pain? When the disciples prayed with Christ in his last days they were filled with desire--am I filled with desire? what is that desire? Because when I am sitting in this hospital room I want to scream out loud, I'm so mad. After everyone left, I asked if I could have a few minutes with my mom. My sisters Sonya and Kris had spent much time with her the past couple of months, and even they were ready to move on and go. When the door shut, I asked Eric to stay with me, I held my moms hand, talked about how small she was, 88 pounds, and kissed her on the forehead, with a final "I forgive you" Eric and I held her hand and he offered one of the sweetest prayers I have ever heard, I did not expect that from him, he has always had such pain and anger towards my parents for what they had put me through, but tonight that side of him was gone and the spirit of healing began. I wept, and could not control my emotions--so this is how this feels...

Fall Leaves, Ocean Views

 

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2013

Fall leaves, Ocean Views

I have wanted to take Eric to see the Fall leaves for years. The last time I visited was with a good friend many years ago, and I loved the trip. Eric is not a wintry weather guy, so this was not on his trip bucket list. However, he had a wonderful time and could not believe the beauty surrounding us as we drove through Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine. Now I think we will be making this trip every year... There was so much to see and little time to do it all.

Williams Port Light House

Beautiful homes on the beach. I want to play with Recker here.

Loved all the Lighthouses

Lobster Rolls--Famous

It's hard to find this kind of beauty in AZ.

Loved wearing my boots and beanie--winter clothes

Loved all the covered bridges too.

He looks warm enough !!

My Favorite part of the trip...seeing our sweet Chelsea Cloward.

Just how I love it--no one on the beach but me and Eric The Hampton's

Fenway Park, original seats

Fenway Park, original home plates

Eric taking the moment

Dr. Kreymerman Leaves Mayo Clinic

 

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2013

Dr. Kreymerman Leaves Mayo Clinic

Dr. Kreymerman, is leaving Mayo Clinic and moving to North Carolina.  His family has already moved, and Friday will be his last day at The Mayo Clinic.  Those of you who contact me via email about doctors to use for reconstruction--HE IS THE BEST--and if you live closer to NC, you are in luck--email me, and I will give you information about his practice.
I will never be able to say enough 'Thanks You's' to him; he has been an excellent doctor for me.  Although this seems to be a good move for him and his sweet family. I, along with many other patients he has treated, will miss him. 
Family is so important. This move for him will bring him closer to his parents and in-laws. I know his wife Rakhi is happy to be closer to her family.  Good Blessings are on their way to North Carolina. We will miss you in Arizona.

Dr. Peter Kreymerman, Me, and Heather Lucas P.A.

Saying goodbye is always hard--so I just said, "see you later."